The 54th No Smark Zone! Predictions for 2009

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Kaedon

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Happy new year everyone and welcome to the 54th installment of the No Smark Zone And we have ONE THING for you this week, PREDICTIONS! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I have gotten back our favorite fortuneteller Karack The Magnificent. And no, not the guy from Johnny Carson, that guy is a hack who ripped off MY BUDDY Karnack and rode his success to new heights. He has some great predictions about the Royal Rumble winner, the main event at Wrestlemania, CM Punk Jeff Hardy and all of your favorites, but first we will look through my predictions from last year.



-TNA will still be around by years end but will not go above a 1.4 in the ratings.

100% right. But if TNA keeps up with the Main Event Mafia and can get something else going besides their one money angle, they could get to 1.5. Despite what they think, they are not WCW with the best undercard workers who can support a show until the MEM shows up. They need better angles.


-After the draft, Smackdown’s midcard will be more solidified with the additions of John Morrison and Carlito.
Well I was half right on this one and I am glad I was right because Carlito and Primo have given a shock to the dying tag team division. And with good promos and even better matches, this was a great move.


-Jesse & Festus will win the WWE Tag Team Championship.
EHHHHHHHHHH. Wrong. And I think had the Colons not shown up, they would probably be champs right now.


-Ric Flair will finally be retired but will return to the WWE in some on-air capacity.
Another half right. I will admit I was kind of going with the trend on this one because it sounded like such a logical thing, and I guess he kind of did, but I was thinking he would return in more of a long term capacity and not a one shot deal.


-CM Punk will turn heel.
This was really more wishful thinking than anything else. I don’t think, given his situations, he could have been turned heel in any REALLY effective way. Hopefullu it happens soon.


-The Undertaker will gain the WHC early in the year and will hold onto it for the majority of 2008.
This was another half right one too. And it wasn’t because of anything but Taker being injured again. I wonder if he has had his last title run because clearly he is a health risk.


- There will be 4 different ECW Champs in 2008 and none of them will have held it before.
Off by 1, Kane, Mark Henry, and Matt Hardy, none who have held it before. Yay me.


-Kofi Kingston will become the hottest wrestler amongst the IWC, and then, if he gets a push, he will then become the most hated because he was “pushed too soon”.
This is another one I was glad Im wrong about. Kofi hasn’t quite been shit on yet, and with good reason. Because he is entertaining as hell.


-The Highlanders will be released by the WWE.
Sadly I was right here, because I loved these guys. No longer will I see slap in the face tags and no longer will I hear “IM ROBBY!” Cest la vie’


-Bobby Lashley will return to the WWE.
Wroooooooooooong.


-Kelly Kelly will be the next diva to switch brands, likely to Raw.
Hey another one right for me. And she’s had a decent run as she has gotten lightyears better than I thought she could, in the ring.


-DH Smith will continue to be a highly touted rookie but will get lost in the shuffle on Raw, and will therefore be moved to SD or ECW.
Another one right for me, and he hasn’t done crap. Booo.


-Madison Square Garden will be announced as the site of WM 25.
I really wish I was right on this one. I love MSG. But I get it I guess, they just had the Rumble there this year. And they are going for another indoor record in Texas


-Ric Flair will be inducted into the WWE Hall Of Fame.
Woooooooooooooooooooooooo.


-Chris Jericho will move to Smackdown.
Instead of Jericho, it was HHH. I think it was a good trade.


-JBL will win the WWE Title at least ONCE this year.
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


-The brand extension will NOT end.
* ding *


8 ½ out of 17. That’s exactly half right for me…..I mean Karnack…..:shifty: And now, please welcome him back as he goes through his predictions for 2009!!! Please welcome KARNACK THE MAGNIFICENT!!!


Yes helllooooooo, Karnack here with your predictions of 2009.* Holds an envelope up to his head * Ric Flair’s testicles, Vince McMahon storylines, and HHH running through people like they are jobbers…..* opens envelope * “Name three old things” * canned laughter * Three old things, kinda like HHH, HBK, and The Undertaker, which leads me into my first prediction. This will be the first year since Wrestlemania 15 that will not have HHH, The Undertaker, or Shawn Michaels in any main event title match. And look at it from this perspective, since Wrestlemania 10, only two, 10 and 15 have not had those three men in the main event. That’s 12 Mania’s, a whole decade and then some of the same three guys main eventing. This year, it will not be that way. I think the WWE is finally starting to realize that they don’t need these guys to draw. Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy, John Cena vs. Randy Orton, Edge vs. CM Punk, Batista vs. John Cena, Christian vs. Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy vs. Edge, all of these main events could draw, imo, just as good as sticking HHH, HBK, and Undertaker in the match.

The other reason I don’t think that these guys wont be in the main event is because that 2 out of the 3 of them have been out of the main event before and know they can still contribute. HHH, I believe, is starting to understand that he is a special attraction. He is becoming an icon in the business and knows that if he shows up, people will come to see it, therefore he doesn’t need to wrestle as much and doesn’t need the title. I doubt he would agree because he seems to be the kind of guy who wants to wrestle every night due to his love and passion for the business, but I think he is realizing that isnt necessary anymore.


For my next prediction I am channeling a combination of The Nation Of Domination, The Rock, and Brock Lesnar. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO, I predict that highly touted wrestler Bobby Lashley will indeed return to the ring, and it will be for TNA. This is two fold. For one, I think there are a lot of bitter feelings in the WWE, more than people would let on. And despite the fact that Vince will look past a grudge to make money, Bobby wasn’t a huge money draw so he’d have to become a huge draw before this happened. And how would Bobby become an even bigger draw? Going to TNA. While it is true that TNA is seen as the distant second company in the wars of wrestling, but you can still get over like a motherfucker with their fans, and some of the WWEs fans who watch TNA. And I think that Bobby Lashley has a bit of a kindred spirit with Kurt Angle. I think they would like to hook it up again and they are both MMA guys. So I think The Lash will go to TNA and maybe this year, but will after, go back to the WWE, much like Christian is now returning to the WWE.



Hand me my next envelope please…….*holds it up to his head* Gilligan, The Skipper, and CM Punk……*opens envelope* “Name three castwaways”. Yes, it’s as Metallica say SAD BUT TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEE , CM Punk, despite what everyone thinks is NOT going to get close to the World Heavyweight Title ever again, and certainly not this year. CM Punk is not a draw on the stacked Raw roster, not enough to be given the title without some kind of boost via booking, like him winning and cashing in on Money In The Bank. So my prediction for this year, barring some kind of major injury to a star, drug scandal or something like that, CM Punk will not win the WHC this year and may not even get more than a one off title match or be involved in a triple threat. As an aside, and this is not an OFFICIAL prediction from the great prognosticator, I believe CM Punk could easily win MITB again this year, and cash it is. This time, however, he will lose, thus leading to a long term and long awaited HEEL TURN, which could make his stock rise within the company. That is not an official prediction, as I said, but if it comes true, it WILL become an official one!



Now I am seeing a pompous white man, with goofy looking hair, and who has been on TV a lot. No, I’m not talking about Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich, I am talking about Donald Trump. No I am not predicting he will be back on WWE television, but I am channeling his two favorite words, YOU’RE FIRED!!! That’s right, this year, just like the past 100 years in the wrestling business, some people are going to get fired. The top three on my list are Ricky Ortiz/Atlas Dabone, and Jack Swagger. Not because I don’t think they are untalented necessarily, but because they just arent getting over. Granted, they are only on ECW, but they still arent getting over for dick. And them getting more time on the touted new WWE Superstars show wont do anything for them either because from what I have read its basically random matches with random non over guys from Raw, SD, and ECW. So don’t look for anyone to get a huge boost from the show. I also predict two veterans in Ron “Damn” Simmons and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan will finally hang it up this coming year. I would also look for one time tag team champions HnR Edgehead; aka Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder to be let go as they have not gotten over at all, even when being featured week after week as Edge’s stablemates AND THEN as tag team champions. Finally look for some housecleaning of the big men in the WWE. Just like Snitsky, Tomko, and so many other untalented fucks before him, Mark Henry and Mike Knox will be let go because there really will be just nothing for them to do as newer guys come up from development.

Next up are predictions on the WWE Draft. Yes it will happen this year, but it will not be as shocking as last year when HHH decided he wanted to move over to SD because Raw was getting too hard for him. But look for Matt Hardy to be officially moved to Smackdown after a bitter feud with his brother is started. John Morrison will split up from the Miz and will become the next breakout star along with holding a midcard title, most likely the United States title after he is drafted to Smackdown. Also heading to Smackdown is a guy who the WWE have abused more than the US Government is abusing their power right now, Rey Mysterio. Lets face it, the guy has been floundering on Raw and SD is really where he belongs. I think Shelton will move to ECW and become the crown jewel of the brand as a heel, much like Matt Hardy is now as Shelton can work well with anyone. And finally look for the big men, Mark Henry and Valdimir Kozlov look to switch places before Mark is let go later in the year. And finally, look for Raw to get “Rated R” again as Edge ends his love affair with Vickie Guerrero AGAIN and is traded to Raw to spice up the main event scene.

For my last prediction I will need help from a very charismatic wrestler named “The Gold Standard” Shelton Benjamin. “AINT NO STOPPIN ME NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.” Ok, he got his one line out. This last one has to do with gold, specifically, who will and wont hold it. The Puerto Rican all-stars will hold onto the tag team titles on Smackdown in a division that still wont go anywhere. And look for the old man, Shawn Michaels, to get one last taste of the gold. I expect him to hold the belt as the WWE try and figure out how to reconfigure after the draft. And in accordance with not being in the main event this year at Mania, HHH will also NOT hold the WWE title this year for the reasons I stated earlier. The trickiest prediction I have has to do with Jeff Hardy. I think if his reign continues to be as good as it is now, and he doesn’t go off the rails, he will lose the title and regain it later in the year. If he has another lapse, this is it. Jeff will not only never get the title back, he WILL be fired and you will never hear girls screaming that loud ever again. I also think that Randy Orton, who I predict to win the Rumble, will be the first heel to win the Wrestlemania main event after winning the Rumble ever. And this will lead to a prolonged run as a bad ass face later in the year.

Well thank you Karnack, you have certainly painted a great picture for 2009, and I cant wait to see each and every one of your predictions proven to be 100% right because you are a master soothsayer. That is it for this edition of the No Smark Zone. Next week we will for sure have some Fact or Fiction coming down the pike and I think I will have to find Stu Finer to make his predictions on the Royal Rumble. I think he will come to some of the same ones Karnack has come to >_> see you next time!!
 

MikeRaw

Guest
Wow, no comments?
Very good column Kaedon, it was awesome to look back on the old predictions of yours, cause, tbh, i forgot about them.
Interested to see the results of your current predictions.
 

The Rated R CMStar

Guest
Ricky Ortiz and Atlas Dabone are the same person.

Anyways, I agree with all your predictions, except with Swagger getting fired. I do think he's getting over, granted, he doesnt get killer heat, but for a being around what, 5 months, and just 2 doing something important, he's getting more boos than expected.
 

Beer Money Army

Guest
i like this colummn.. good work

2009 will be the year of the Benjamin... That Benjamin Vs Taker on Smackdown showed he is >kennedy and alot of the younger talent that tried to work a good match with taker...(he won't get WWE title, but i see him buliding and improving the Midcard and build a legacy with that U.s. championship)
 

The Rated R CMStar

Guest
The thing is, after he drops that US Championship, what's next for him. It's been a while now, and he still fails to get boos from the crowd. I doubt he'll ever get over enough to be pushed further up the card
 

Airfixx

Guest
A good read as always, Kaedon.

However, I do feel duty-bound as a pedant to point out that WM17 didn't have any of the guys you mentioned in the title matches either. ;o]
 

Kaedon

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Well I know 17 didnt but I mean come on, Taker/HHH was pretty much a main event, but I will give it to you. Bathturd!
 

seX-Power

Guest
The thing is, after he drops that US Championship, what's next for him. It's been a while now, and he still fails to get boos from the crowd. I doubt he'll ever get over enough to be pushed further up the card

A move to ECW and a possible face turn. He is more over as a face, and ECW is a place where he has a chance to garner some notice, with a proper feud or two.