One day, me and my boy EdgeHead were lifting weights at a gym. As we were lifting our weights, we noticed this skinny and underweight guy right next to us. This guy, whose name was Fire Ant Loves Cocaine, could barely lift 5 lbs above his head and it was fucking hilarious. Without hesitation, my boy EdgeHead darts over to Fire Ant and says, “Hey man I’m the man with the penis bigger than Venus and I see you are having a hard time here.” Fire Ant gave a strange look which didn’t sit well with EdgeHead as he picked up the guy with just one hand and threw him across the gym for no apparent reason besides the fact that the man looked at him weirdly. Laughing, I asked him why he did it. He said, “That little bitch looked at me weird! I am the man with the penis bigger than Venus and that’s what I do!” Completely forgetting what he just said, I ask him, “Hey you want to go back to my place and fuck all our bitches?” Without even questioning he says yes. We go home, we do our thang. After we are all done having a wonderful time with the ladies, I get a call from Scott. Scott says to me, “Hey genetic freaks I was thinking we hit the gym and workout and kiss our muscles and do whatever genetic freaks do. But to change things up, I was thinking we should try and become ‘Super Genetic Freaks’. We can become super genetic freaks if we just follow my new video that involves hauling an 80,000 lb tractor trailer and benching over 1500 lbs. What do you say freaks? Are you in?” Steiner sounds like he is out of breath on the other line. I then answer him by saying, “HELL YEAH BROTHER! We’ll be down in a bit!” Scott then says, “ALRIGHT! After you are done with this workout, you will be covered with muscles from head to toe!” After that I say my goodbye and me and EdgeHead with our genetic freakliness head down to the gym to meet Scott.
Me and EdgeHead head down to my garage where my Hummer is. Hummers are awesome because Hummers are what genetic freaks like me, EdgeHead and Scotty drive. I start the ignition, and pop a Slayer CD in the radio console to get me and EdgeHead pumped to work out. I then pull out of the driveway and start driving. You see, the way genetic freaks drive is a whole lot different from what you FATASSES do. We drive about 30-40 MPH over the speed limit and try to nearly kill every other driver on the road because they know they can’t compete with our genetic freakliness.
About half way to the gym, we hit a red light. There was heavy traffic so I didn’t want to risk getting me and EdgeHead killed. Though now that I think of it, I thought I was being a pussy. Anyway we stop and the guy next to me in this fairly nice sports car with some kind of fancy looking face paint says to me, “YO I’M AUSTIN THE JUGGALO AND I’M JCW’S NUMBER ONE FAN! Anyway I stopped to ask if you wanted to have a race.” EdgeHead, who was before still jamming to the Slayer CD, said, “You bet your redneck face paint ass we will have a race!” I then say, “First one to the gym wins.” Austin says lets go. As soon as the light turns green, me and the Juggalo start racing. It was a back and forth race throughout, but about 300 yards away from the gym, the Juggalo Austin spins out crashes into a Cracker Barrel. Me and EdgeHead have won and EdgeHead says to me, “Woooo, that was intense! Let’s go workout, brother!” I give him a high five and we both walk into the gym.
As we walk into the gym, we immediately see Scotty doing bitch presses with this beautiful girl. Scotty sees us and tosses the girl to the side and says, “Ok bitch you can go do something else because my genetic freaks are here.” We say our hellos to Scotty and shake hands. He then says, “So… Are my genetic freaks ready for ‘The Ultimate Workout’?” Me and EdgeHead both say HELL YEAH and we Scotty leads us into the weight room. He says, “Alright to start we’ll bench 1500 lbs. If you start to feel any pain just block it out and keep lifting!” So we start benching and boy what a rush. Steiner then says to both of us snickering, “Hey you see that guy over there?” The guy he was pointing out was this fatass who was so fat that he had quadruple chin. Steiner said he was going to go over and talk to him. Steiner then goes over and says to the guy, “Hey fatass, can you tell me what your name is?!” The guy says his name is Roray. Steiner says, “Well fatass, if you do my Scott Steiner Ultimate Work out there is a 141 and 2/3% chance if you follow it you will not only become a genetic freak like me, but a super genetic freak.” Roray says, “Really?” Steiner laughs at him and says, “Of course not fatass! Since you’re so fat there is only a 33 and 2/3% chance that you’ll become a genetic freak like me!” Roray says, “Well that doesn’t really make any sense.” Steiner then tells him to shut up and knocks him out clean with a right hand. Steiner says, “Never question my logic you no good piece of white trash!” Me and EdgeHead said that was awesome and Steiner said, “Yeah that was awesome my genetic freaks. Alright let’s move on to the next workout.” The next workout is bitch presses.
There are 3 lovely ladies ready to get pressed by us. So we end up doing the presses but me and EdgeHead have been kind of doing the same thing for years now. I mean doing bitch presses and benching 1500 lbs gets tiresome after a while if you do it all the time like us genetic freaks but for some reason Steiner has never gotten tired of it. So while me and EdgeHead are taking a break from working out, we talk. I say, “Look I think we should just go back to my place and go fuck all of our bitches.” EdgeHead agrees with me but says, “Yeah brother I think we should go do that too. I can just feel the testosterone pumping through my veins. But the thing is, how are going to leave without Steiner knowing we did?” I say, “I don’t know just follow my lead.” Steiner comes over to us and says, “Ok genetic freaks it’s time for our final workout and that will be us hauling an 80,000 lb tractor trailer.” So Steiner takes us outside to where the tractor trailer is. He says, “Ok. Watch me haul this and then you guys will do the same.” So we watch and to our amazement Steiner easily hauls this thing by himself with no problem whatsoever. I and EdgeHead were getting a little suspicious. To be honest I thought Scotty was just joking about the whole tractor trailer thing, but he wasn’t. I then say to EdgeHead, “I think Scotty is a robot. There is no way a normal genetic freak, hell even a super genetic freak couldn’t do that by himself so easily. EdgeHead agrees with me and says, “Yeah even though it sounds like you’ve been smoking that RVD shit, it does sound legit.” So me and EdgeHead come up with a plan to attack Steiner to expose him for who he really is. With me and EdgeHead we have a 141 and 2/3% chance of taking on Steiner and beating him. I mean the numbers don’t lie. So we then attack Steiner. Steiner can’t handle the man with the penis bigger than Venus and the man that gets all of the bitches. As we beat him down we noticed something strange. Steiner was not taking any pain at all. So this must mean that he is indeed a motherfucking robot! In fact that is the case. I punch is chest so hard that I get electrocuted from all the wires in is chest. Fortunately, though, I survive the shock. Me and EdgeHead then realize that Steiner has like a control department in his torso kind of like the bad guy played by Rowan Akinson from that Scooby Doo movie in 2002 (By the way that movie sucked). We open up the compartment and see that it was MinnesotaManiax who was controlling Steiner the entire time. I say to him, “Minnesota? Wow I thought you would be bigger.” EdgeHead then says, “Minnesota why did you do it? WHY?!” He said, “I just wanted to be something that I couldn’t and being Steiner was the only thing I could do.” We then ask him where the real Steiner is and he said he killed him about 3 years ago. I say to him, “Well it looks like I will have to turn you in.” Minnesota then says, “You know I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling genetic freaks!”
So me and EdgeHead turn in Minnesota to the authorities and is sent to jail. We then go home and have a wonderful fun time with the ladies. EdgeHead says to me, “Well what a crazy day PoPo.” And I say to him, “Yeah such an unusual day.” EdgeHead then tells me, “Ok PoPo there is one thing I want you to do and that’s to wake up. Wake up PoPo. Wake up.” I then wake up out of my bed and realize it was just all a dream! I say to myself, “Shit man I gotta stop eating ice cream before I go to bed. Them sweats give me them wacky ass dreams.” I then get ready for school. Once I do get to my school, I tell all my friends about the dream. They all say what a fucked up dream. Then I would say, “Yeah it was a bit of a fucked up dream.” I then go home and when I get there I turn on TV to find out Scott Steiner has gone missing. They said on the news his family hasn’t seen or heard from him in over a month and are worried about him. I then say to myself, “DAMN MAN! I guess anything can happen!” After that, I started receiving texts from girls from my school who want to make boom boom, if you know what I mean. I think to myself this is all too weird. I then have a couple of girls from a few different classes of mine come to my house and we do our thang. After that I then say, “Hmmmm… Maybe this dream did happen. But in a whole different dimension where I am a genetic freak and so is EdgeHead.” I then think, “Nah. I’m just thinking too much like Steiner.” And that right there ends our funny, weird tale about a workout that went wrong but really was a dream… Or was it?
