Hello again! This is the 3rd edition of Sal Talks About Wrestling People. If you enjoy this, I humbly ask that you:
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Let's just get a dumb-looking picture of HHH out of the way early:
HEY THERE DENIM DAN. WHERE'D YOU GET THE CANADIAN TUXEDO?
Without further ado, here's what I have to say about the Wrestling People on Raw this week.
Eve: I'm seriously starting this thing off with Eve?
This poor girl. Over a month of this Kane storyline that was supposed to test John Cena and maybe turn him justalittlebitheel, and as we saw at the Elimination Chamber PPV, it was for nothing. John Cena did the Fosbury Flop Over Hate, he Triumphed Over Adversity, He Sternly Pointed His Finger at Bullying and Called it Poopy, etc. There was no story development at all. John Cena is absoFUCKINGlutely the exact same person he was two months ago, a year ago, five years ago.
The point is that Eve turned heel last night, doing a complete 180 from "strong sexy powerful diva" to "bitchy whoreslut who doesn't realize a WWE cameraman is 8 inches away from her buttchin." In the first two minutes of the show, Eve's turn finished the job that John Cena started the night before by easily beating Kane. Tonight, Eve was sacrificed to the god of John Cena Being a Babyface Forever. The only thing the in-ring segment was missing was Vince McMahon telling Eve to bark like a dog.
The Bella Twins: I'll admit it. Their looks of confusion/disbelief/whatever emotion they were trying to convey killed me. I want to believe they were thinking, "So, almost getting RAPEMURDERED by Kane was part of your master plan to French kiss John Cena?"
John Cena: Five/six years ago, John Cena probably wrote like twenty awesome herpes jokes about Lita. Tonight he was like YES FINALLY I GET TO FINISH THE LIST.
Taker/HHH: These guys will pop up a few times in this review. For now all I want to talk about is how fucking weird the presentation of HHH/Taker has been. For the match last year, they refused to talk about or show their 2001 Wrestlemania match, or, like, any of their other matches. This year, all they can talk about is last year's match. It's like when I wrote a college term paper up against a deadline, and I only had time to use Wikipedia. You have resources, folks. Use 'em.
Metallica: Oh fuck off. If I get to pick a song to describe how much time this feud and match will get, I'm going with "Sad But True."
WAIT THAT SONG WAS SAMPLED ON KID ROCK'S SONG "AMERICAN BADASS," AND TAKER USED TO BE THE AMERICAN BADASS, IT'S PERFECT
Sheamus/Mark Henry: I'm looking at this match like it was a really nice subtle touch. Sheamus lost to Henry at Summerslam. If you don't remember that match, allow John Locke to fill you in (start at 1:30):
[video=youtube;DDkNnnRRJlQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDkNnnRRJlQ[/video]
Sheamus fought like hell but just couldn't beat Henry in August. Those of us advocating for a Sheamus push knew it was the start of his climb up the mountain. Now Sheamus is the guy who comes down and kills anyone who makes Teddy Long mad. He's a lot stronger than he was in August. Defeating Mark Henry was a good way to show it. But this match deserved:
a) An explanation of that story
b) More time/a greater struggle
c) A lot more hype
If Mark Henry was healthy enough to wrestle, why not add Sheamus/Henry to the PPV last night? Why not have Sheamus put his main-event spot on the line? They want to get this guy over, don't they?
David Otunga: I'm feeling the purple. And I'm definitely feeling the win over Ezekiel Jackson. David Otunga is a guy who should be on TV all the time and should win JUST ENOUGH to piss everyone off.
Teddy Long: Please don't butcher R. Lee Ermey's shit. That awful line about compost, that's from Full Metal Jacket, and it goes like THIS DAMMIT: "How tall are you? Six feet? I DIDN'T KNOW THEY STACKED SHIT THAT HIGH!"
And Ezekiel Jackson was the Teddy Longiest pick of all time. "Hmm...David Otunga is a really strong black guy. I know! I'll get a taller really strong black guy!" If John Laurinaitis wants to get rid of him, he should just start posting signs toward the exit that say "IMPROMPTU TAG TEAM MATCH THIS WAY."
John Laurinaitis: He functions in a world where he's not even really a wrestling character. He doesn't talk like anybody else. He doesn't wait for cues. He doesn't even try to keep from laughing when other people make fun of him. What I'm saying is, HE'S FANTASTIC. Big Johnny should be the GM of Raw and Smackdown and NXT and Superstars and Impact and Nitro and Thunder.
Kofi Kingston: "Non-title match against the tag team champions" is the section of hell that Kofi's stuck in. Other people bounce in and out of it, but he's there ALWAYS. Please, somebody, give this guy a gimmick.
(plays "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan)
And why are Kofi, R-Truth, and Santino in non-title matches that don't really matter? Later in the night, they're fighting in a battle royal for a Wrestlemania World Title match. Why in god's name are Kofi and R-Truth like, "yeah, big match later, but we HAVE to show Primo and Epico what's up right now. And Rosa's gonna wear somethin super-slutty, so, why not?"
Okay that's a fair argument.
Rosa Mendes: In the era of "Sexy! Smart! Powerful!" Rosa's a refreshing throwback to when women put on a short skirt, showed some cleavage, and didn't open their mouths. Wait did I say refreshing too late moving on
Ron Simmons: DAMN!
Good for Faarooq. Though I imagine Justin Hawk Bradshaw, er, JBL was watching all the APA clips and wondering why his phone didn't ring too. I blame the Mexicans.
Chris Jericho: Okay Chris, listen up for a second (I know you read this, don't pretend you don't)
You're one of my favorites dude. Always have been. I know how you put everyone over, even though you never got properly put over yourself. I would like to defend you as much as possible. So could you please stop saying things that are stupid. A few weeks ago, you tried to take credit for inventing the phrase "what's up?" A week ago, you started saying you were the best in the world at EVERYTHING you do. And this week, you said you were screwed out of the Elimination Chamber because you didn't get pinned or submit. YOU WERE UNCONSCIOUS. Punk could've just, like, carried you into the ring and pinned you. Regardless of what Michael Cole said about how it was unfair- wait a second.
Michael Cole: SHUT UP.
Chris Jericho: Better. How was it unfair that Punk legally kicked you in the head during a no-DQ match? Like, why do this angle at all if you're going to have Jericho win a battle royal the next night anyway?
Undertaker: Was the first person to adhere to the old 2003 HHH rules:
1. HHH should be on screen all the time.
2. When HHH isn't on screen, someone should ask, "Where is HHH?"
I am glad that he put to rest the really poorly-conceived notion that he was returning as ABA or Big Evil or something. That would be like if the Red Hot Chili Peppers went on a farewell tour and announced they were bringing back Dave Navarro to play lead guitar. But...he was only there for one album, and that album kinda sucked. You bring him out as the same zombie guy he's always been. We're not sick of it yet.
Guy that yelled "YOU SUCK" at the beginning of Taker's promo for no reason: I laughed.
Undertaker: A big theme of this feud is "we are the last of our kind." Two things here:
1. Kane, Big Show, Rock, Mark Henry, Booker T, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, and William Regal would all like you to go fuck yourselves.
2. WHOGIVESAFUCK
Everyone remembers the classic match at Wrestlemania 12 between those two declining superstars who both wanted to lay claim to being the last guy from their era. WAIT, NO THEY DON'T, BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. "We're both old" is not a reason for a match. "We're both old and everyone else sucks compared to us" is not a reasonable justification for giving your match an hour. "WE'RE GONNA HAVE THE MATCH IN A BIG CAGE" won't hide the fact that the match is going to be bad. Yes, HHH/Taker last year was bad. The last 20 minutes of the match went like this:
HHH hits a big move
Taker kicks out
HHH does an exaggerated "crawl back toward the ropes in shock" thing
REPEAT
Now they're going to add Irish whips into the cage as one of the big spots. And this match is going to get a TON of time on a PPV that could easily get by as a one-match show where as many young guys as possible should get exposure. I have so many FUCKS for this. So many.
BONUS BOOKING!
SAL RE-BOOKS THE LAST THREE WEEKS OF HHH/TAKER BUILD
Segment 1
Taker: "Wrestlemania. Wanna have a match?"
HHH: "No. Okay, yes."
SAL BOOKS THE HHH/TAKER MATCH
They trade punches for 45 minutes, pointing to the Wrestlemania sign after every punch. They go up to the top of the cell for no reason. Taker chokeslams HHH through the cell. They both fall through the ring, never to be seen again. The match is ruled a no-contest.
Oh, and it's the dark match
Kelly, Aksana, and the Bellas:
WHY
John Cena: When Raw came back from commercial and he was already in the ring, I was like, "They really needed to shoehorn another segment so Cena can remind us that Rock's not there?" Now, Cena did very well. He didn't resort to the dumb jokes or the pandering he's relied on for years. It was nice to see 100% Serious John Cena. Kane trying to rape-murder Eve didn't even warrant a 100% serious promo from Cena. But I have two big problems with what he said:
1. "At some point the Rock morphed into Dwayne." No John. Dwayne has always been his name. Especially in a WWE where the curtain has been peeled back over the last year, every fan recognizes that Rock and Dwayne can exist at the same time, just as Hunter and Paul can, just as Dolph and Nic, just as Undertaker and Mark, just as John and, uh, John. It's fitting that Cena's one of the few people who uses his real name. It's like his character can't fathom having a life outside wrestling. There were some fans who resented Rock for leaving, but most of us understood and didn't hold it against him. Cena comes off as a fanboy when he complains about Rock not being there every week. Cena's cry for help hasn't worked with the fans before and it won't start working during the one part of the year when Rock will actually be there. Cena is correct in theory but it does nothing for him in practice.
2. "I'll be here every week." Honestly, that's part of the problem. We appreciate that he's here every week. But wrestling isn't a competition to see who can be present the most. Hogan got booed eventually. Babyface Rocky got booed at one point for christ's sake. Cena's like a father who wants credit for just being there. THAT IS THE LEAST YOU CAN DO JOHN. We also want to be entertained. He hasn't been in an interesting storyline that he's carried since like 2006. The fans love Rock in part because he's only there sporadically. I'm a John Cena supporter, and I think he's turned into a great in-ring wrestler. But there isn't anything about the Rock that's going to overwhelm your staleness.
Now, if this is a plan to explain in retrospect why Cena snapped on the Rock after their WM match, then I'll re-write this more positively. He's got the motivation. It'll all be about what he does with it.
Also, a bonus HERPADERP @ "The best part of April 1 will be April 9."
CM Punk: There's a backlash against Punk, and I've been part of it. But I'll just say this: as good as he is in the ring and at cutting promos, I really think he could make the greatest positive effect on the product as a full-time commentator. He adds an edge to the show that Jerry Lawler added, like, 15 years ago. He can be smarky without being all Michael Coley about it and overwhelming what's in the ring with LOOK AT THIS NERD VEGAN smurf.
The point here isn't that I want CM Punk to stop wrestling. It's that they need to get some color commentators who can do what Punk does with ease.
Dolph Ziggler: Please, let me pretend he didn't know he had a pink t-shirt attached to his shorts.
Khali: See Kelly, Aksana, and the Bellas.
Guy with the "Back to the MIZ-Card" sign: Good try!
Wade Barrett: After a stellar performance in the Elimination Chamber (seriously, he carried that match), it was great to see Barrett putting on a good showing in this Battle Royal. He's lined up for a possible MITB win at Wrestlemania, isn't he?
Big Show: Hey, everybody who just ruined Wrestlemania for me, do the DX chop!
I can't do the HHH joke here. It's just too easy. Hey, wait a second, let's play the Blame Game!
Wade Barrett: FUCK YOU WADE IT'S YOUR FAULT YOU'RE NOT 9 FEET TALL
R-Truth: FUCK YOU RONNIE IF YOU DIDN'T SMOKE YOU COULD'VE CAUGHT HIM
Dolph Ziggler: FUCK YOU DOLPH IF YOU WEIGHED 450 THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
Big Show: YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYING TO THROW DOLPH AT MICHAEL COLE AND I RESPECT THAT
- Like this post
- Comment, to tell me how great this is
- Comment, to tell me how shitty this is
- Comment, to tell me that you don't care about this
- Tell your friends to read this, so I can feel important
Let's just get a dumb-looking picture of HHH out of the way early:
HEY THERE DENIM DAN. WHERE'D YOU GET THE CANADIAN TUXEDO?
Without further ado, here's what I have to say about the Wrestling People on Raw this week.
Eve: I'm seriously starting this thing off with Eve?
This poor girl. Over a month of this Kane storyline that was supposed to test John Cena and maybe turn him justalittlebitheel, and as we saw at the Elimination Chamber PPV, it was for nothing. John Cena did the Fosbury Flop Over Hate, he Triumphed Over Adversity, He Sternly Pointed His Finger at Bullying and Called it Poopy, etc. There was no story development at all. John Cena is absoFUCKINGlutely the exact same person he was two months ago, a year ago, five years ago.
The point is that Eve turned heel last night, doing a complete 180 from "strong sexy powerful diva" to "bitchy whoreslut who doesn't realize a WWE cameraman is 8 inches away from her buttchin." In the first two minutes of the show, Eve's turn finished the job that John Cena started the night before by easily beating Kane. Tonight, Eve was sacrificed to the god of John Cena Being a Babyface Forever. The only thing the in-ring segment was missing was Vince McMahon telling Eve to bark like a dog.
The Bella Twins: I'll admit it. Their looks of confusion/disbelief/whatever emotion they were trying to convey killed me. I want to believe they were thinking, "So, almost getting RAPEMURDERED by Kane was part of your master plan to French kiss John Cena?"
John Cena: Five/six years ago, John Cena probably wrote like twenty awesome herpes jokes about Lita. Tonight he was like YES FINALLY I GET TO FINISH THE LIST.
Taker/HHH: These guys will pop up a few times in this review. For now all I want to talk about is how fucking weird the presentation of HHH/Taker has been. For the match last year, they refused to talk about or show their 2001 Wrestlemania match, or, like, any of their other matches. This year, all they can talk about is last year's match. It's like when I wrote a college term paper up against a deadline, and I only had time to use Wikipedia. You have resources, folks. Use 'em.
Metallica: Oh fuck off. If I get to pick a song to describe how much time this feud and match will get, I'm going with "Sad But True."
WAIT THAT SONG WAS SAMPLED ON KID ROCK'S SONG "AMERICAN BADASS," AND TAKER USED TO BE THE AMERICAN BADASS, IT'S PERFECT
Sheamus/Mark Henry: I'm looking at this match like it was a really nice subtle touch. Sheamus lost to Henry at Summerslam. If you don't remember that match, allow John Locke to fill you in (start at 1:30):
[video=youtube;DDkNnnRRJlQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDkNnnRRJlQ[/video]
Sheamus fought like hell but just couldn't beat Henry in August. Those of us advocating for a Sheamus push knew it was the start of his climb up the mountain. Now Sheamus is the guy who comes down and kills anyone who makes Teddy Long mad. He's a lot stronger than he was in August. Defeating Mark Henry was a good way to show it. But this match deserved:
a) An explanation of that story
b) More time/a greater struggle
c) A lot more hype
If Mark Henry was healthy enough to wrestle, why not add Sheamus/Henry to the PPV last night? Why not have Sheamus put his main-event spot on the line? They want to get this guy over, don't they?
David Otunga: I'm feeling the purple. And I'm definitely feeling the win over Ezekiel Jackson. David Otunga is a guy who should be on TV all the time and should win JUST ENOUGH to piss everyone off.
Teddy Long: Please don't butcher R. Lee Ermey's shit. That awful line about compost, that's from Full Metal Jacket, and it goes like THIS DAMMIT: "How tall are you? Six feet? I DIDN'T KNOW THEY STACKED SHIT THAT HIGH!"
And Ezekiel Jackson was the Teddy Longiest pick of all time. "Hmm...David Otunga is a really strong black guy. I know! I'll get a taller really strong black guy!" If John Laurinaitis wants to get rid of him, he should just start posting signs toward the exit that say "IMPROMPTU TAG TEAM MATCH THIS WAY."
John Laurinaitis: He functions in a world where he's not even really a wrestling character. He doesn't talk like anybody else. He doesn't wait for cues. He doesn't even try to keep from laughing when other people make fun of him. What I'm saying is, HE'S FANTASTIC. Big Johnny should be the GM of Raw and Smackdown and NXT and Superstars and Impact and Nitro and Thunder.
Kofi Kingston: "Non-title match against the tag team champions" is the section of hell that Kofi's stuck in. Other people bounce in and out of it, but he's there ALWAYS. Please, somebody, give this guy a gimmick.
(plays "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan)
And why are Kofi, R-Truth, and Santino in non-title matches that don't really matter? Later in the night, they're fighting in a battle royal for a Wrestlemania World Title match. Why in god's name are Kofi and R-Truth like, "yeah, big match later, but we HAVE to show Primo and Epico what's up right now. And Rosa's gonna wear somethin super-slutty, so, why not?"
Okay that's a fair argument.
Rosa Mendes: In the era of "Sexy! Smart! Powerful!" Rosa's a refreshing throwback to when women put on a short skirt, showed some cleavage, and didn't open their mouths. Wait did I say refreshing too late moving on
Ron Simmons: DAMN!
Good for Faarooq. Though I imagine Justin Hawk Bradshaw, er, JBL was watching all the APA clips and wondering why his phone didn't ring too. I blame the Mexicans.
Chris Jericho: Okay Chris, listen up for a second (I know you read this, don't pretend you don't)
You're one of my favorites dude. Always have been. I know how you put everyone over, even though you never got properly put over yourself. I would like to defend you as much as possible. So could you please stop saying things that are stupid. A few weeks ago, you tried to take credit for inventing the phrase "what's up?" A week ago, you started saying you were the best in the world at EVERYTHING you do. And this week, you said you were screwed out of the Elimination Chamber because you didn't get pinned or submit. YOU WERE UNCONSCIOUS. Punk could've just, like, carried you into the ring and pinned you. Regardless of what Michael Cole said about how it was unfair- wait a second.
Michael Cole: SHUT UP.
Chris Jericho: Better. How was it unfair that Punk legally kicked you in the head during a no-DQ match? Like, why do this angle at all if you're going to have Jericho win a battle royal the next night anyway?
Undertaker: Was the first person to adhere to the old 2003 HHH rules:
1. HHH should be on screen all the time.
2. When HHH isn't on screen, someone should ask, "Where is HHH?"
I am glad that he put to rest the really poorly-conceived notion that he was returning as ABA or Big Evil or something. That would be like if the Red Hot Chili Peppers went on a farewell tour and announced they were bringing back Dave Navarro to play lead guitar. But...he was only there for one album, and that album kinda sucked. You bring him out as the same zombie guy he's always been. We're not sick of it yet.
Guy that yelled "YOU SUCK" at the beginning of Taker's promo for no reason: I laughed.
Undertaker: A big theme of this feud is "we are the last of our kind." Two things here:
1. Kane, Big Show, Rock, Mark Henry, Booker T, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, and William Regal would all like you to go fuck yourselves.
2. WHOGIVESAFUCK
Everyone remembers the classic match at Wrestlemania 12 between those two declining superstars who both wanted to lay claim to being the last guy from their era. WAIT, NO THEY DON'T, BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. "We're both old" is not a reason for a match. "We're both old and everyone else sucks compared to us" is not a reasonable justification for giving your match an hour. "WE'RE GONNA HAVE THE MATCH IN A BIG CAGE" won't hide the fact that the match is going to be bad. Yes, HHH/Taker last year was bad. The last 20 minutes of the match went like this:
HHH hits a big move
Taker kicks out
HHH does an exaggerated "crawl back toward the ropes in shock" thing
REPEAT
Now they're going to add Irish whips into the cage as one of the big spots. And this match is going to get a TON of time on a PPV that could easily get by as a one-match show where as many young guys as possible should get exposure. I have so many FUCKS for this. So many.
BONUS BOOKING!
SAL RE-BOOKS THE LAST THREE WEEKS OF HHH/TAKER BUILD
Segment 1
Taker: "Wrestlemania. Wanna have a match?"
HHH: "No. Okay, yes."
SAL BOOKS THE HHH/TAKER MATCH
They trade punches for 45 minutes, pointing to the Wrestlemania sign after every punch. They go up to the top of the cell for no reason. Taker chokeslams HHH through the cell. They both fall through the ring, never to be seen again. The match is ruled a no-contest.
Oh, and it's the dark match
Kelly, Aksana, and the Bellas:
WHY
John Cena: When Raw came back from commercial and he was already in the ring, I was like, "They really needed to shoehorn another segment so Cena can remind us that Rock's not there?" Now, Cena did very well. He didn't resort to the dumb jokes or the pandering he's relied on for years. It was nice to see 100% Serious John Cena. Kane trying to rape-murder Eve didn't even warrant a 100% serious promo from Cena. But I have two big problems with what he said:
1. "At some point the Rock morphed into Dwayne." No John. Dwayne has always been his name. Especially in a WWE where the curtain has been peeled back over the last year, every fan recognizes that Rock and Dwayne can exist at the same time, just as Hunter and Paul can, just as Dolph and Nic, just as Undertaker and Mark, just as John and, uh, John. It's fitting that Cena's one of the few people who uses his real name. It's like his character can't fathom having a life outside wrestling. There were some fans who resented Rock for leaving, but most of us understood and didn't hold it against him. Cena comes off as a fanboy when he complains about Rock not being there every week. Cena's cry for help hasn't worked with the fans before and it won't start working during the one part of the year when Rock will actually be there. Cena is correct in theory but it does nothing for him in practice.
2. "I'll be here every week." Honestly, that's part of the problem. We appreciate that he's here every week. But wrestling isn't a competition to see who can be present the most. Hogan got booed eventually. Babyface Rocky got booed at one point for christ's sake. Cena's like a father who wants credit for just being there. THAT IS THE LEAST YOU CAN DO JOHN. We also want to be entertained. He hasn't been in an interesting storyline that he's carried since like 2006. The fans love Rock in part because he's only there sporadically. I'm a John Cena supporter, and I think he's turned into a great in-ring wrestler. But there isn't anything about the Rock that's going to overwhelm your staleness.
Now, if this is a plan to explain in retrospect why Cena snapped on the Rock after their WM match, then I'll re-write this more positively. He's got the motivation. It'll all be about what he does with it.
Also, a bonus HERPADERP @ "The best part of April 1 will be April 9."
CM Punk: There's a backlash against Punk, and I've been part of it. But I'll just say this: as good as he is in the ring and at cutting promos, I really think he could make the greatest positive effect on the product as a full-time commentator. He adds an edge to the show that Jerry Lawler added, like, 15 years ago. He can be smarky without being all Michael Coley about it and overwhelming what's in the ring with LOOK AT THIS NERD VEGAN smurf.
The point here isn't that I want CM Punk to stop wrestling. It's that they need to get some color commentators who can do what Punk does with ease.
Dolph Ziggler: Please, let me pretend he didn't know he had a pink t-shirt attached to his shorts.
Khali: See Kelly, Aksana, and the Bellas.
Guy with the "Back to the MIZ-Card" sign: Good try!
Wade Barrett: After a stellar performance in the Elimination Chamber (seriously, he carried that match), it was great to see Barrett putting on a good showing in this Battle Royal. He's lined up for a possible MITB win at Wrestlemania, isn't he?
Big Show: Hey, everybody who just ruined Wrestlemania for me, do the DX chop!
I can't do the HHH joke here. It's just too easy. Hey, wait a second, let's play the Blame Game!
Wade Barrett: FUCK YOU WADE IT'S YOUR FAULT YOU'RE NOT 9 FEET TALL
R-Truth: FUCK YOU RONNIE IF YOU DIDN'T SMOKE YOU COULD'VE CAUGHT HIM
Dolph Ziggler: FUCK YOU DOLPH IF YOU WEIGHED 450 THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED
Big Show: YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYING TO THROW DOLPH AT MICHAEL COLE AND I RESPECT THAT
