Hello folks. Welcome to the 2nd edition of STAWP: Sal Talks About Wrestling People. For the uninitiated, my goal is to say something insightful or witty about every single person who appeared on Raw tonight.
QUICK, THERE'S NO TIME, I HAVE TO WRITE THIS ARTICLE QUICKLY, KANE MIGHT BE BEHIND ME. FIRST WRESTLER!
Kane: THAT'S GOTTA BE KANE! Kane wins the rare "Hey, The Show's Starting and You're Not HHH!" award. For a guy who's trying to be a horrible monster, wasn't his pre-show promo really campy? Kane shouldn't have promos like this. Logically, he'd have to convince a cameraman to come film him talking about ambulances, and that doesn't sit well with me. When Jeff Hardy had his "edgy" turn back in 2008, when he beat Undertaker clean, he did those poorly lit self-shot promos that I really liked.
[video=youtube;mG_sPMr3jIg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mG_sPMr3jIg[/video]
Kane's promos are just lit way too nicely. If he's going to ripoff Heath Ledger's Joker (the same way every "weird" wrestling character does), he might as well go all out and use the shaky cam style. And if you're going to do your promos like that, for the love of god, dye your beard. White is just not a good look.
Jerry Lawler: I seriously can't think of the last time King contributed anything of substance to my wrestling program. Um, that's it.
Brian Williams: Really should have been there to legitimize this whole "debate" theme they had going on. Now, I'm 26 years old. I'm pretty well-educated. For example, I know the difference between there, their, and they're. I like the wrestling show. And I like to talk politics. I'm one of the few people this format is designed to resonate with. AND I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK. If I was more graphically inclined, I'd make a Venn Diagram with circles for "People who watch wrestling" and "People who love debates." THE CIRCLES WOULD BE 3 MILES APART.
John Laurinaitis: Sometimes I think Big Johnny's awesome, and then sometimes I just think it's really easy to be a heel. But having him come out, say his name, and do nothing else of substance all night was just stellar.
David Otunga: Did they even acknowledge that he was at the Oscars last night? I can just imagine him sitting there, watching his gorgeous fiancee sing the FUCK out of a Whitney song, and he's typing into his iPhone "Remind Big Johnny that he's only the interim GM."
CM Punk: He did something during the opening segment that I liked. He addressed the audience. He appealed to his majority support. Punk doesn't do this nearly enough. It should be the basis for his gimmick. He should always always ALWAYS be the charismatic funny guy who just might be full of shit. He shouldn't be the guy who calls Big Johnny GAYBALLZ.
Dolph Ziggler: I was absolutely dying at his reactions to everything that was going on. "I've lost 15 minutes that I'll never get back." He wasn't in character, he was narrating this hackneyed segment! He's getting better and better on the microphone in these scenarios, but they should really play to his strength, which is letting him talk backstage and go off on a rant.
R-Truth: We're all terrified, I think, that Truth is going to turn into a teddy bear. But tonight he was just pitch-perfect. He should be as crazy as possible. He wasn't stupid, he wasn't pandering, he legitimately thought he was running to be the Chairman of the WWE. He even set an agenda! If only he gave his stance on abortion I'd give him the Person of the Week award that doesn't really exist yet.
Miz: Wait, was it Miz or Truth who got a concussion last week? Jesus, he's picking a bad time to suck at everything.
Kofi Kingston: The best thing I can say about Kofi's mini-promo was that he spoke in clear, complete, believable sentences. The bad news for Kofi is that he's doing the same thing he did during the buildup for Money in the Bank last year. Everyone else talks about how great they are and how much everyone else sucks. Kofi's talking point is "I'm in this match, and therefore I may win." That would be super compelling if these matches weren't, like, pre-determined. I like you Kofi. Please. Get a gimmick.
Chris Jericho: I was disappointed in Jericho this week. Last week, he was hinting at this megalomaniac gimmick where he really thought he was better than everybody at everything. I wouldn't have minded all the ridiculous comparisons he made if that was his gimmick, just being ridiculous. This week he simply returned to the slow talking vocabularious guy. The one great part: there was no reason at all for Jericho to still have a light-up jacket on. It was so weird going with his delivery, but I loved it anyway.
Charles Robinson's Hair: Seriously, what is he using? VO5 Hot Oil or something?
The guy holding the "Fire Cole, we want Schiavone" sign: You're the best.
Shawn Michaels: Hey, there he is backstage! Awesome! And he looks so happy! You know he's happy because he hasn't jobbed to anyone in two years. Well it's great to see him-
Wait.
Whenever he's around, that other guy's around. But, hang on, wait-
HHH: Goddammit.
Zack Ryder: Hey, during that Kane segment at the beginning of the show, my friend Chekhov lost his gun. He can't find it anywhere. Anyone seen it?
Ah, there it is. Wheelchairs have just never gone right for wrestlers. They're right up there with birthday cakes and weddings. And it's not like Zack Ryder needs any precedent. He could look back to, I don't know, FOUR WEEKS AGO. Doomed from the start.
Daniel Bryan: Now, last year, Miz was a chickenshit WWE champion trying to sneak by to Wrestlemania. At the Elimination Chamber, for whatever reason, he didn't have to fight in an...Elimination Chamber. He got to face storied contributor of nothing, Jerry Lawler. It's 2012. Daniel Bryan is a chickenshit heel champion. He's in a chamber match with Randy Orton. The moral of the story: D BRYAN'S LOSING.
Wade BARRAH: Everybody who should be on Raw every week, look as aristocratic as possible:
Nailed it, Wade, you do deserve-
I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD HUNTER, IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.
Randy Orton: Please tell me the voice in Randy Orton's head is Little Jimmy. Please.
Big Show: If I was a 500 pound guy, and I had to fall on my face an extra time because my opponent messed up the timing on his finishing move, I'd probably go out of my way to get a few of these in:
[video=youtube;kU4ceCJu07E]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU4ceCJu07E[/video]
Shawn Michaels: We need to talk about the hair. It's a lot longer in the back than it's been in a long time. You won't even take your hat off anymore. Your hairline probably starts at the back of your neck by now. Chop it off, bro. But my god, this guy has microphone skills to burn. Shawn Michaels on the mic is what HHH thinks he is on the mic. He can get a point across and be interesting at the same time.
D-GENERATION X: duh duh duhhhhhhhhhhhhh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duhhhhhhhhhh D-GENERATION X
When they first embraced in the ring, it occurred to me that it was 10 years ago that they teased a DX reunion and HHH pedigree'd HBK. I was rooting for HHH to give him another Pedigree, because maybe that would, like, re-start the timeline or something. I could go back to being 16 again, I could find a way to avoid the Benoit tragedy, and most importantly I wouldn't get my hopes up for Mr. Kennedy.
HHH: For whatever reason, WWE is trying to give this HHH/Undertaker match a level of depth that doesn't mesh with anything else on the show. Part of me admires their ambition. They're telling a story not about the typical wrestling fare but about something much more important. Undertaker has decided between getting away safely and reclaiming his pride. Triple H will make a decision that will speak to his very identity. Is he just another Mr. McMahon? Is business all that matters, or is it right to make things personal from time to time? I really liked how this was presented.
But then he said, "THIS IS ALL GONNA BE MINE." That's the line that has everyone buzzing, but it doesn't make sense, not in this story. The story is about choosing between what's right for him and what's right for the company. Now he's framed it such that any decision will be a selfish decision. Unless he really heels it up and lets us see the power-hungry conflict-of-interest HHH we all (should) want to see, I'm going to have a lot more negative feedback on this storyline.
Undertaker: He's new at this wig removal thing. Forgive him. He didn't know you could just take it off whole.
I have no clue where they're going with the haircut Taker gave himself tonight. Are they planning on going with a "transformation" angle? Watch this, because I think this is what they're going to try to do.
[video=youtube;68gwIbZ6jQ8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68gwIbZ6jQ8[/video]
And I just don't think they can pull it off. But because he's Mean Mark, it will work anyway.
By the way, this video is proof that HHH only sells for fat guys stripping.
Michael Cole: I don't really blame him for the following, but I'm going to use a lot of caps anyway:
"How goofy is R-Truth? He thought the Elimination Chamber debate was an election!"
HE'S NO GOOFIER THAN THE PREMISE OF HAVING A DEBATE ABOUT WHO'S GOING TO WIN A WRESTLING MATCH. IT WAS A DEBATE ABOUT A WRESTLING MATCH. NOTHING GOOFIER THAN THAT EXISTS. WE'RE STUCK WITH PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES INSTEAD OF PRESIDENTIAL WRESTLING MATCHES BECAUSE AND ONLY BECAUSE WE ARE A NATION OF COWARDS.
Dolph Ziggler: Whenever Dolph loses a match without getting to do anything awesome, an angel gets her wings plucked off.
Santino Marella: Somebody tell me. Was he ever actually funny? Because hoooooly shit, he's just the opposite of funny right now. Take the Venn Diagram I hypothetically made earlier and replace the titles with "Santino" and "funny."
Tamina Snuka: Tamina's on a roll! Last week she got to have a staredown with Beth. This week she gets a title match and a last name! I really don't get this trend of refusing to give women full names. Titus O'Neil got a fucking last name, and he can't get his boots on by himself. A.J. Lee doesn't get a last name because she's a woman? Are they (A) trying to do a "Madonna" kind of thing with them, or (B) sending a deeper message about women's inequality?
The answer's (C), actually. The writers just haven't come up with last names for them yet. They'll give Kaitlyn a last name after they find out where the Funkasaurus went with Naomi and that other one.
The Incomparable John Cena: I'd probably have something to say about him here, but according to Michael Cole, he exists on a plane beyond comparison.
The Rock: He's in a movie, cool.
(Yes I intentionally gave the divas 10x more words than The Rock)
Eve: Okay, she's like the 4th best actress in WWE history. Miss Elizabeth, Trish, Linda McMahon, then her. ACTING!
John Cena: "EVE I JUST PUNCHED THIS MONSTER IN THE BACK IT'S SAFE NOW OPEN THE DOOR"
I was ready to rant about how awful this segment was, but then Eve stuck her tongue into John Cena's incomparable mouth, and then we saw Zack Ryder's reaction.
ALL ZACK EVERYTHING, ZACK CARS, ZACK CARDS, ALL ZACK EVERYTHING
John Cena again: He stole HHH's "go to the ring and talk about my feelings for no reason" shtick. Even within the context of the fictional show, the authority characters are trying to sell the show. John Cena coming out at 11:00 to talk about nothing doesn't pass the smell test. Give your segments some context.
Michael Cole: "YOU KNOW THE AMBULANCE MATCH IS A DANGEROUS MATCH BECAUSE THERE HASN'T BEEN ONE IN 10 YEARS." Oh yeah? Well there hasn't been a KENNEL FROM HELL match in like 14 years, so suck it. Give the people [me] what they want dammit!
Zack Ryder: His walk down to the ring made me feel like this.
[video=youtube;qLlUgilKqms]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLlUgilKqms[/video]
WWE Writers: If I'm in that room watching Zack Ryder get thrown off the ramp, I'm making 100 jokes like this:
This is WWE.
This is Zack Ryder.
This is WWE giving Zack Ryder a push.
Any questions?
That upset girl in the audience: If you missed it, this girl at 2:11.
[video=youtube;aaRqh6Gm-dk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaRqh6Gm-dk[/video]
As cheap of a ploy as it is, it works. This hugely freaking adorable moment of self-awareness got more of a reaction out of me than watching a guy take an 8-foot dive in a wheelchair. Probably because it was something that every forced John Cena and Eve reaction wasn't. It was something that WWE always tries to be but never gets there. It was real.
QUICK, THERE'S NO TIME, I HAVE TO WRITE THIS ARTICLE QUICKLY, KANE MIGHT BE BEHIND ME. FIRST WRESTLER!
Kane: THAT'S GOTTA BE KANE! Kane wins the rare "Hey, The Show's Starting and You're Not HHH!" award. For a guy who's trying to be a horrible monster, wasn't his pre-show promo really campy? Kane shouldn't have promos like this. Logically, he'd have to convince a cameraman to come film him talking about ambulances, and that doesn't sit well with me. When Jeff Hardy had his "edgy" turn back in 2008, when he beat Undertaker clean, he did those poorly lit self-shot promos that I really liked.
[video=youtube;mG_sPMr3jIg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mG_sPMr3jIg[/video]
Kane's promos are just lit way too nicely. If he's going to ripoff Heath Ledger's Joker (the same way every "weird" wrestling character does), he might as well go all out and use the shaky cam style. And if you're going to do your promos like that, for the love of god, dye your beard. White is just not a good look.
Jerry Lawler: I seriously can't think of the last time King contributed anything of substance to my wrestling program. Um, that's it.
Brian Williams: Really should have been there to legitimize this whole "debate" theme they had going on. Now, I'm 26 years old. I'm pretty well-educated. For example, I know the difference between there, their, and they're. I like the wrestling show. And I like to talk politics. I'm one of the few people this format is designed to resonate with. AND I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK. If I was more graphically inclined, I'd make a Venn Diagram with circles for "People who watch wrestling" and "People who love debates." THE CIRCLES WOULD BE 3 MILES APART.
John Laurinaitis: Sometimes I think Big Johnny's awesome, and then sometimes I just think it's really easy to be a heel. But having him come out, say his name, and do nothing else of substance all night was just stellar.
David Otunga: Did they even acknowledge that he was at the Oscars last night? I can just imagine him sitting there, watching his gorgeous fiancee sing the FUCK out of a Whitney song, and he's typing into his iPhone "Remind Big Johnny that he's only the interim GM."
CM Punk: He did something during the opening segment that I liked. He addressed the audience. He appealed to his majority support. Punk doesn't do this nearly enough. It should be the basis for his gimmick. He should always always ALWAYS be the charismatic funny guy who just might be full of shit. He shouldn't be the guy who calls Big Johnny GAYBALLZ.
Dolph Ziggler: I was absolutely dying at his reactions to everything that was going on. "I've lost 15 minutes that I'll never get back." He wasn't in character, he was narrating this hackneyed segment! He's getting better and better on the microphone in these scenarios, but they should really play to his strength, which is letting him talk backstage and go off on a rant.
R-Truth: We're all terrified, I think, that Truth is going to turn into a teddy bear. But tonight he was just pitch-perfect. He should be as crazy as possible. He wasn't stupid, he wasn't pandering, he legitimately thought he was running to be the Chairman of the WWE. He even set an agenda! If only he gave his stance on abortion I'd give him the Person of the Week award that doesn't really exist yet.
Miz: Wait, was it Miz or Truth who got a concussion last week? Jesus, he's picking a bad time to suck at everything.
Kofi Kingston: The best thing I can say about Kofi's mini-promo was that he spoke in clear, complete, believable sentences. The bad news for Kofi is that he's doing the same thing he did during the buildup for Money in the Bank last year. Everyone else talks about how great they are and how much everyone else sucks. Kofi's talking point is "I'm in this match, and therefore I may win." That would be super compelling if these matches weren't, like, pre-determined. I like you Kofi. Please. Get a gimmick.
Chris Jericho: I was disappointed in Jericho this week. Last week, he was hinting at this megalomaniac gimmick where he really thought he was better than everybody at everything. I wouldn't have minded all the ridiculous comparisons he made if that was his gimmick, just being ridiculous. This week he simply returned to the slow talking vocabularious guy. The one great part: there was no reason at all for Jericho to still have a light-up jacket on. It was so weird going with his delivery, but I loved it anyway.
Charles Robinson's Hair: Seriously, what is he using? VO5 Hot Oil or something?
The guy holding the "Fire Cole, we want Schiavone" sign: You're the best.
Shawn Michaels: Hey, there he is backstage! Awesome! And he looks so happy! You know he's happy because he hasn't jobbed to anyone in two years. Well it's great to see him-
Wait.
Whenever he's around, that other guy's around. But, hang on, wait-
HHH: Goddammit.
Zack Ryder: Hey, during that Kane segment at the beginning of the show, my friend Chekhov lost his gun. He can't find it anywhere. Anyone seen it?
Ah, there it is. Wheelchairs have just never gone right for wrestlers. They're right up there with birthday cakes and weddings. And it's not like Zack Ryder needs any precedent. He could look back to, I don't know, FOUR WEEKS AGO. Doomed from the start.
Daniel Bryan: Now, last year, Miz was a chickenshit WWE champion trying to sneak by to Wrestlemania. At the Elimination Chamber, for whatever reason, he didn't have to fight in an...Elimination Chamber. He got to face storied contributor of nothing, Jerry Lawler. It's 2012. Daniel Bryan is a chickenshit heel champion. He's in a chamber match with Randy Orton. The moral of the story: D BRYAN'S LOSING.
Wade BARRAH: Everybody who should be on Raw every week, look as aristocratic as possible:
Nailed it, Wade, you do deserve-
I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD HUNTER, IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.
Randy Orton: Please tell me the voice in Randy Orton's head is Little Jimmy. Please.
Big Show: If I was a 500 pound guy, and I had to fall on my face an extra time because my opponent messed up the timing on his finishing move, I'd probably go out of my way to get a few of these in:
[video=youtube;kU4ceCJu07E]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU4ceCJu07E[/video]
Shawn Michaels: We need to talk about the hair. It's a lot longer in the back than it's been in a long time. You won't even take your hat off anymore. Your hairline probably starts at the back of your neck by now. Chop it off, bro. But my god, this guy has microphone skills to burn. Shawn Michaels on the mic is what HHH thinks he is on the mic. He can get a point across and be interesting at the same time.
D-GENERATION X: duh duh duhhhhhhhhhhhhh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duhhhhhhhhhh D-GENERATION X
When they first embraced in the ring, it occurred to me that it was 10 years ago that they teased a DX reunion and HHH pedigree'd HBK. I was rooting for HHH to give him another Pedigree, because maybe that would, like, re-start the timeline or something. I could go back to being 16 again, I could find a way to avoid the Benoit tragedy, and most importantly I wouldn't get my hopes up for Mr. Kennedy.
HHH: For whatever reason, WWE is trying to give this HHH/Undertaker match a level of depth that doesn't mesh with anything else on the show. Part of me admires their ambition. They're telling a story not about the typical wrestling fare but about something much more important. Undertaker has decided between getting away safely and reclaiming his pride. Triple H will make a decision that will speak to his very identity. Is he just another Mr. McMahon? Is business all that matters, or is it right to make things personal from time to time? I really liked how this was presented.
But then he said, "THIS IS ALL GONNA BE MINE." That's the line that has everyone buzzing, but it doesn't make sense, not in this story. The story is about choosing between what's right for him and what's right for the company. Now he's framed it such that any decision will be a selfish decision. Unless he really heels it up and lets us see the power-hungry conflict-of-interest HHH we all (should) want to see, I'm going to have a lot more negative feedback on this storyline.
Undertaker: He's new at this wig removal thing. Forgive him. He didn't know you could just take it off whole.
I have no clue where they're going with the haircut Taker gave himself tonight. Are they planning on going with a "transformation" angle? Watch this, because I think this is what they're going to try to do.
[video=youtube;68gwIbZ6jQ8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68gwIbZ6jQ8[/video]
And I just don't think they can pull it off. But because he's Mean Mark, it will work anyway.
By the way, this video is proof that HHH only sells for fat guys stripping.
Michael Cole: I don't really blame him for the following, but I'm going to use a lot of caps anyway:
"How goofy is R-Truth? He thought the Elimination Chamber debate was an election!"
HE'S NO GOOFIER THAN THE PREMISE OF HAVING A DEBATE ABOUT WHO'S GOING TO WIN A WRESTLING MATCH. IT WAS A DEBATE ABOUT A WRESTLING MATCH. NOTHING GOOFIER THAN THAT EXISTS. WE'RE STUCK WITH PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES INSTEAD OF PRESIDENTIAL WRESTLING MATCHES BECAUSE AND ONLY BECAUSE WE ARE A NATION OF COWARDS.
Dolph Ziggler: Whenever Dolph loses a match without getting to do anything awesome, an angel gets her wings plucked off.
Santino Marella: Somebody tell me. Was he ever actually funny? Because hoooooly shit, he's just the opposite of funny right now. Take the Venn Diagram I hypothetically made earlier and replace the titles with "Santino" and "funny."
Tamina Snuka: Tamina's on a roll! Last week she got to have a staredown with Beth. This week she gets a title match and a last name! I really don't get this trend of refusing to give women full names. Titus O'Neil got a fucking last name, and he can't get his boots on by himself. A.J. Lee doesn't get a last name because she's a woman? Are they (A) trying to do a "Madonna" kind of thing with them, or (B) sending a deeper message about women's inequality?
The answer's (C), actually. The writers just haven't come up with last names for them yet. They'll give Kaitlyn a last name after they find out where the Funkasaurus went with Naomi and that other one.
The Incomparable John Cena: I'd probably have something to say about him here, but according to Michael Cole, he exists on a plane beyond comparison.
The Rock: He's in a movie, cool.
(Yes I intentionally gave the divas 10x more words than The Rock)
Eve: Okay, she's like the 4th best actress in WWE history. Miss Elizabeth, Trish, Linda McMahon, then her. ACTING!
John Cena: "EVE I JUST PUNCHED THIS MONSTER IN THE BACK IT'S SAFE NOW OPEN THE DOOR"
I was ready to rant about how awful this segment was, but then Eve stuck her tongue into John Cena's incomparable mouth, and then we saw Zack Ryder's reaction.
ALL ZACK EVERYTHING, ZACK CARS, ZACK CARDS, ALL ZACK EVERYTHING
John Cena again: He stole HHH's "go to the ring and talk about my feelings for no reason" shtick. Even within the context of the fictional show, the authority characters are trying to sell the show. John Cena coming out at 11:00 to talk about nothing doesn't pass the smell test. Give your segments some context.
Michael Cole: "YOU KNOW THE AMBULANCE MATCH IS A DANGEROUS MATCH BECAUSE THERE HASN'T BEEN ONE IN 10 YEARS." Oh yeah? Well there hasn't been a KENNEL FROM HELL match in like 14 years, so suck it. Give the people [me] what they want dammit!
Zack Ryder: His walk down to the ring made me feel like this.
[video=youtube;qLlUgilKqms]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLlUgilKqms[/video]
WWE Writers: If I'm in that room watching Zack Ryder get thrown off the ramp, I'm making 100 jokes like this:
This is WWE.
This is Zack Ryder.
This is WWE giving Zack Ryder a push.
Any questions?
That upset girl in the audience: If you missed it, this girl at 2:11.
[video=youtube;aaRqh6Gm-dk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaRqh6Gm-dk[/video]
As cheap of a ploy as it is, it works. This hugely freaking adorable moment of self-awareness got more of a reaction out of me than watching a guy take an 8-foot dive in a wheelchair. Probably because it was something that every forced John Cena and Eve reaction wasn't. It was something that WWE always tries to be but never gets there. It was real.
