Welp, this week on Smackdown from... :woo: KNOXVILLE! YEAH! MY HOMETOWN BROUGHT IT!
...if it meant 45% attendance and TNA style embarassing photos that ignored that we had a fucking tornado warning in the area the next day and us southerners have the IQ of pimento cheese so everyone panics and runs out to buy milk and bread and stays indoors for a week at a time. Also because TNA >>>>> WWE at advertising, so screw you dirtsheets slinging shit all over my somewhat beloved city. :tough: Besides, even with the Smackdown canned heat you can tell we were better than that atrocious UK crowd last week, so suck it.
First off we have... Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! This opening segment was fucking gold! Man, I love wrestling when everyone can just chillax and have some fun and with so many dudes clearly just out here having fun (and also Alberto Del Rio, and even the Buzz Killington of WWE couldn't ruin this) this was BEAUTIFUL TELEVISION. Even Roman Reigns got in a good line on what happened the last time he was on Miz TV.
Even doing this dead as all hell Meximerica bullcrap Zeb got a good line! "How did you get in this country anyway? Did you ice skate across Lake Michigan?" and then... Oh, R-Truth. "My bad, 'yall... well, best of luck to you, best of luck to you....... nah I ain't wishing y'all luck I'm outta here".
1: Ambrose just had a blast punching Miz in the face because everyone has a blast punching Miz in the face and... If you can, this is one of those segments to go out of your way to see. And that's counting how it went through a commercial break where the Miz was bitching... kinda rightfully so, about how Ambrose just knocked him the hell out and now he has to wrestle a match... then Cesaro comes out after stopping a missile with his bare hands, swimming his way down the ramp with a great big smile ready to KICK YOUR ASS.
While usually this is the most heel thing ever because he has the point... Dammit, adding insult to injury for the sake of punching the Miz in the face is great, plus if you ever dare Cesaro's in the wrong he'll dropkick you through the TV before DOING MOTHERFUCKING LUCHA. Cesaro wins in 40 seconds after he actually hits the move Sin Cara tried to use at first and botched a million times, a damn tiltawhirl headscissors into armbar into crossface and it was SO AWESOME. He laughed so loud you can hear it under his horrible theme music and was just having a ball, then he climbed up the ramp for the SEVENTH DISTRACTION on this show so far when Stardust popped up in front of him jumping around like a jackass - I love Stardust - before the Ascension blocked the way, and Cesaro just chuckled, walked on by before mocking Stardust's entrance. This was just fun, Cesaro is getting multiple segments a week where the whole point is "Make Cesaro look strong". Yay!
Then... The fun kinda came to an end for this viewer as A Dude in a Cape and The Men that TNA Forgot faced OH MY GOODNESS I JUST REALIZED THE ASCENSION ARE THE LEGIT GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY RIGHT NOW. DUDE. :yay: I'm gonna call Konnor Groot from now on. Yah am Groot. Rawr. Anyway they did stuff and somebody won. Wrestling!
Then, Tyler Breeze, now that he came up the main roster, is facing NXT midcarder Zach Ryder on Smackdown, and Breeze is distracted the whole time and still wins. Somewhere in Nashville staying in a bomb shelter away from THE TORNADO OF DOOM THAT NEVER ACTUALLY CAME Taylor Swift was off remixing "Teardrops on My Guitar" to talk about Aids crying in his beer. Summer yelled "You're not VIP!" and made a pretty awesome dick joke and I'm just here mourning the loss of selfie promos Dolph poured out Tyler Breeze's stupidly expensive alcoholic beverages! Oh no! Whatever shall he do?! Not take the distraction rollup of death by Zack Ryder, that's what!
Want to know how much Bullshit with Bray Wyatt has jumped the shark for Ol' Snowwie? It's reached Ziggler vs Rusev levels of fail, to where Snowman took of his mask and revealed his face, and all I could think hearing his dumb grunting and his massive forehead is that he's what Peyton Manning will look like in 15 years. Only right that I notice that when they kept saying "University of Tennessee" because they're pissed at my city, well I'm pissed at you you fuck... grr, but anyway that Peyton Manning will still have cable, I wonder just how much of Taker and Kane's souls were kidnapped. Were they like, bits and pieces or full-blown chips? Mmmm, Soul Chips. Sounds like it tastes good with salsa... yeah, this has reached the Dolphin Lana stage of "I give so little of a fuck that making dumb horrible jokes that take as much time to think of as "Team PCB" is >>>>> this segment." And then the kicker, when Taker yelled out "You think you have all the cards... all you have left is a dead man's hand"... I paused, laughed, and thought about just how epic it would be if Wes Brisco and Garett Bischoff and Mike Knox and whichever other no-talent hacks made that faction up would throw off their druid outfits and jumped the Wyatts just for the Dudleys to jump the barricade in cuttes and we could have a full blown random Pussies in Leather reunion in the middle of Smackdown. Awww, there's your 4 on 4 match! It all makes sense now! The Dead Man's Hand against the Wyatts, lets gooooooooooooo! Hell you could even have the match end with Sting running out to hit Bully and Devon with the bat for the DQ, pissing off the Undertaker and YEAH ACES AND EIGHTS FOR LIFE!
...cutaway to Springfield Retirement Castle where Terry's playing chinese checkers, and Brooke's somehow still married to Bully.
Laugh all you want, but what actually happened? All the Druids collapsed. That's all. Because they all rested in peace... just like Isis will at Survivor Series when Cesaro gets done with them! (yes I will edit this out if it happens.)
...Okay back to Smackdown. Charlotte and Brie was perfectly acceptable warm-up filler for Charlotte vs Paige, as Charlotte got to actually run through her moves and look like the NXT Charlotte for the first time I've seen anyway. Yay!
Oh for crying out loud NO STOP. NOT THIS SEGMENT! WHY. RIP Kalisto's Push: 2015-2015: Gone but Already Forgotten. How is he gonna get fed to Big E so badly in less than a minute! I mean, this match could be amazing but noooooooooooo. Granted the Damned Numbers Game caught up with Kalisto because Sin Cara had his mask soaked with tears where after Cesaro showed that dude up so badly. Then Ryback runs through the New Day ALL BY HIMSELF AND...
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT... oh, so they're trying to establish mutual respect between Kalisto and the Big Guy. So hahahaha Prince Balor and CF Crusader, the 5 on 5 match did have build. Shame they had to make 5 people look bad in the process.
speaking of looking bad, the most Smackdown main event ever happened and tbh I didn't bother watching it... Haven't looked at the spoilers, but let me guess: ADR loses by the dreaded DQ for kicking too much ass, and then the Shie clears the ring? Someone reply with what happened, I wanna know, y'all.
Talk to y'all next week, with a bag of Soul Chips in my hands.