Meltdown XXVIII & Fallout 028 || Card & Discussion Thread.

[SupineSnake]

Please note that this card contains spoilers for the Carnal Contendership, so go and read that first if you don’t want to get spoiled.

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XXVIII: “ALABAMA SLAMMER.”
Live from the Legacy Arena in Birmingham, Alabama, USA.
Wednesday 11th March, 2023.

​

FIRST MATCH - 1/60.
The Connection (Michelle von Horrowitz and Gerald Grayson) [c] vs. ??? and ???
Tag Team Match - Open Challenge for the FWA World Tag Team Championships.
Match Writer: SS.​

Following the Connection's victory in their fifth defense of the FWA World Tag Team Championships against the Buddy System at Carnal Contendership, it was announced that - after a brief meeting between Michelle von Horrowitz and FWA authority figure Jon Russnow - the champions would immediately be thrust into their sixth defense. Their opponents? Currently unknown to the FWA Cosmos as well as the champions themselves, and we won’t find out who the challengers will be until we arrive in Birmingham, Alabama for Meltdown XXVIII and this tag team ‘open challenge’ contest. The office is being tight-lipped on who would be receiving this shot, but did somewhat cryptically allude to the fact that the challengers are pretty hot on their African capitals...

​

SECOND MATCH - 1/20
Joe Burr vs. Keres.
Singles Match.
Match Writer: Man.​

​

Last seen competing in the opening contest of Chicago’s The Grand March pay-per-view, Joe Burr and Keres will rekindle their rivalry in Birmingham in this singles match-up. Princess Nova and Lizzie Rose are expected to be in their respective corners for this one, and - given the strange and often surreal overtures made in the direction of ‘The Rave’ by Eternal - no doubt one eye will have to be kept on proceedings outside of the ring. Although Burr and Keres (along with their respective partners) did not appear in the thirty-person Carnal Contendership match, we did see the Eternal pairing giving Lizzie Rose something of a superstar makeover, and perhaps observed a softening of stance from the former North American Champion with regards to the newcomers.

​

THIRD MATCH - -/10
Ratin Makitchin vs. Steve the Techno Vampire.
Over the Top Rope Challenge.
Match Writer: Man.​

The eternal rivalry rolls on…

​

FOURTH MATCH - MAIN EVENT - 1/30
Cyrus Truth vs. weaselperson.
Singles Match.
Match Writer: Dubb.​

On the surface, ‘The Exile’ Cyrus Truth and weaselperson don’t exactly have much in common. However, one thing that they did share was center stage in Nashville, Tennessee. Last Sunday at Carnal Contendership, the final two in the thirty-person over the top battle royale were Truth and weaselperson, with the latter impressing many who assumed their first round exit in the King of the Deathmatch tournament would be the last we see of them. It was, however, Cyrus Truth who emerged triumphantly, setting up a one-on-one match with Chris Peacock at Back in Business in Mexico City. No doubt the FWA World Champion will be nearby to watch his next challenger, who faces a tough challenge against a new, improved, and revived weaselperson. CC’s second place finisher will be looking to get one over on the man who eliminated him to win the whole thing, whilst Truth will hope to keep his momentum going as we head towards the border.

​

PLUS!
Cornelius Aurelius Caesar discusses the events of Carnal Contendership, his past, and his future....​

028: “NOLA.”
Live from the Smoothie King Arena in New Orleans, Louisiana, USA.
Saturday 13th May, 2023.

​

FIRST MATCH - 1/30.
Al Blizzard vs. Reagan Cole vs. Makima Snowmantashi vs. Madison Gray vs. Tommy Bedlam vs. Lizzie Rose vs. Aka Yurei vs. Noriko Kaitomi.
Eight-Person Match - winner gets a shot at the FWA World Tag Team Championships with a partner of their choosing on XXIX/029.
Match Writer: SS.​

It appears that MvH’s meeting with Russnow in order to set up this week’s tag team open challenge actually went further than that, with yet another potential challenger being lined up for the champions on the XXIX/029 cycle. Of course, there’s a very good chance that the Connection won’t even be the FWA World Tag Team Champions by the time this match comes to pass. Whoever holds the gold will have to contend with one of these eight competitors and a partner of their choosing in Texas in two weeks time, and a large number of big names are lining up for that opportunity. Tommy Bedlam still has unfinished business with ‘Der Basterd’, but may shift focus to the tag belts with victory here. Reagan Cole looks to continue his momentum after qualifying for the Golden Opportunity match, and has an obvious potential partner waiting in the wings should he triumph here. Interestingly, another competitor in this match is the woman he previously held the FWA World Tag Team Championships with, Aka Yurei, who has moved on from the British Apprentice and has a new teammate with whom she would challenge for the belts. Another woman with a potential partner close at hand is Lizzie Rose, who may see this tag team opportunity as a way of compensating for her recent loss of the FWA North American Championship. Meanwhile, Al Blizzard, Noriko Kaitomi, Makima Snowmantashi, and Madison Gray will all hope to challenge for their first FWA gold as these four relative newcomers round out the field in this eight-person match.

​

SECOND MATCH - 1/20
Jackson Fenix vs. Katsu.
Singles Match
Match Writer: Jimmy.​

On Fallout 028 in New Orleans, Louisiana, we will see two of the six competitors in the upcoming Golden Opportunity match (scheduled for Sunday 20th August at the 18th Anniversary Show) go one-on-one, hoping to one-up the other and gain a mental advantage going into the chamber. On one side of the ring will be the remodelled Katsu, after an impressive fourth place finish in the battle royale, and on the other is the resurgent Jackson Fenix, who placed in fifth. Although Fenix is best-known for his tag team accomplishments with partner Nate Savage in the Undisputed Alliance, he has recently been gathering steam in the singles division. He suffered a tough loss to Mike Parr at The Grand March, but the CC match showed his pedigree. Katsu, meanwhile, recently took a break from competition before returning in a refreshed manner in the battle royale. Both will hope to continue their form at NOLA.

​

THIRD MATCH - 1/20
Jeremy Best vs. Violet Dreyer.
Singles Match.
Match Writer: Dubb.​

​

New Orleans will also see the rematch between Jeremy Best and Violet Dreyer, following their quarter final stage meeting at the King of the Deathmatch tournament. Dreyer had been hoping to get her hands on ‘Your New Best Friend’ during the tournament, owing to the dramatic events regarding the Buddy System and Krash at Back in Town. After a lengthy beatdown on Best and with Dreyer firmly in the driver’s seat, the appearance of Bryan Baxter - who wasn’t even meant to be in the desert at the tournament - saw the tides turn and Best qualify for the semi-final stage. A chance to avenge that loss, and indeed the assault on Dreyer’s mentor and friend in the White Wolf, presents itself very soon after the fact. One would have to question, though, whether Bryan Baxter will again play a role in the climax of this rematch.

​

FOURTH MATCH - 1/20
Jason Randall vs. Derrick Hunter.
Singles Match.
Match Writer: Jimmy.​

​

Following his first round exit in a hellacious encounter with Jeffry Mason at the King of the Deathmatch tournament, ‘the Wildcard’ did not compete in the 2023 Carnal Contendership match, instead endeavoring to recover from the wounds sustained in the desert. He hopes to return, refreshed and better than ever, in Louisiana at Fallout 028, where he will go one-on-one with ‘Mr Europe’ Derrick Hunter, with Randall looking to put one in the win column and return to good form as we begin the road to Back in Business.

​

FIFTH MATCH - 1/20
Chris Peacock vs. Danny Toner.
Singles Match.
Match Writer: Man.​

In a moment that shocked the world at the King of the Deathmatch, the Alyster Black imposter - who’d been plaguing the real deal for weeks on end - removed his mask to reveal none other than Danny Toner. Toner is, of course, the man who was forced to vacate the FWA World Championship a few short months ago, citing injuring and handing the belt over to FWA officials. Since then, the championship has been held by Alyster Black himself, Devin Golden, and now Chris Peacock, who also just so happens to be Black Jesus’ tag team partner in FTN.

There are a lot of elements at play here, not the least of them being the fact that Danny Toner - who has since dubbed himself ‘the Last Draw in the Sky’ in a nod/jibe towards his one-time tag partner Ryan Rondo - never lost the belt that Peacock now holds. A victory for Toner here would surely reinsert him into that title picture, at least after ‘the Exile’ gets his shot at Back in Business. Furthermore, Peacock will no doubt have half a mind on revenge given the fact that Toner was directly responsible for his partner’s loss to Jeremy Best at KODM, thus ending the historic, record-breaking X Championship reign of Alyster Black. Even aside from issues surrounding championship belts and mutual friends and enemies, Danny Toner and Chris Peacock have a sizeable amount of history themselves throughout the years, including battles over the FWA X Championship and the state of the Fallout commentary booth. The latest chapter in this long-running rivalry will be written in New Orleans, Louisiana in this semi main event match.

​

SEVENTH MATCH - MAIN EVENT - 1/60
Shawn Summers [c] vs. XYZ vs. Trixie Bordeaux vs. Death Walker.
Four-Way Match - FWA Television Championship.
Match Writer: BT.​

After keeping hold of his FWA Television Championship at The Grand March, despite losing to Tommy Bedlam via disqualification, ‘Der Basterd’ Shawn Summers went on to add more championship gold around his waist, when he defeated Cornelius Aurelius Caesar at the Carnal Contendership to become the FWA X Champion. He may not be able to remain a double champion for long, though, as Summers will put his Television Championship on the line in Fallout 029’s main event in this Fatal 4 Way match-up. The challengers - XYZ, Death Walker, and Trixie Bordeaux - have had intertwining paths over the past few weeks. Death Walker has been a constant thorn in XYZ’s side as of late, choking him out on multiple occasions, both in matches and outside of them. Most recently, Death overcame XYZ in the first round of the KODM tournament, with Trixie also involved and never too far away from Death Walker’s chaotic, destructive path. Now, these combustible elements will all be lined up in front of Shawn Summers, ‘Der Basterd’ given the difficult task of negotiating these stormy waters if he is to emerge with the FWA Television Championship still intact.

The promo deadlines for both shows are:

Sunday 7th May, 2023 at 23:59 Pacific Time.
Monday 8th May, 2023 at 03:00(am) Eastern.
Monday 8th May, 2023 at 08:00(am) UK.
Monday 8th May, 2023 at 10:00(am) Turkey.
Monday 8th May, 2023 at 17:00 Melbourne.
There will be no extensions. Good luckl!​

 

[SupineSnake]

please note changes to the opener on meltdown.

 

[The Gipper]

please note changes to the opener on meltdown.

Did you mean on Fallout?

 

[Rosie]

Twitter friendships are made to be broken it seems.

 

[SupineSnake]

Did you mean on Fallout?

yes.

 

[Mandalorian]

Al Blizzard - @Blizzard Boi
Thought I'd share my thoughts on this one as it is the first time we've had a chance to see your work here in the FWA. I think overall this was a solid introductory piece for Blizzard and gives us a well-needed look into his psyche and we already have some of his motivations set out for us. There are a lot of questions still left to be asked and answered, which I think is fine as it gives you things to build towards in future promos. I don't think I am supposed to know who the person at the door was, which is good, because I don't. It seems Al has a lot of stuff that has happened in the past and affected him and I am looking forward to seeing you explore that more.

From a grading perspective, I think I would have liked to have seen a bit more match focus. How would getting a tag title shot help Al? Who would he choose from a roster he knows so few of? I don't think there is anything wrong with the moving on from the past angle, but perhaps the future could have been tied to the match a little bit more. That being said, I think this is a good monologue promo, which when done right, can be just as good as a massive space adventure or zombie apocalypse because where they may fall away slightly on the creativity part of the grading rubric, they can earn the points back in the character sections. That being said, it is still absolutely possible to do a monologue creatively.

I think your descriptions and narration are very strong and this promo is a very clean one aesthetically, too. This was an enjoyable first promo for Al and I look forward to what comes next.

 

[Rosie]

I'm going through some promos today, more cherry picking either newer characters or people who just really want the feedback, and one for my opponent this show. Three now, and three after.

First: Al Blizzard

@Blizzard Boi

I'm not going to repeat what Man said as I generally agree with a lot of his points. Match focus, even if your promo doesn't do it over the top, can help aid it. But you had a good taster of your character and are likely trying to get some rust off. I think you acknowledging Blizzard's spotty past (which no offense, you didn't win much, did ya?) actually is a nice piece. While the majority of the fed probably doesn't know it in detail, and you probably don't need your entire fed history on each and every branch, acknowledging it can allow you to build and create new interesting and organic storylines. Which also can work as a face or a heel. Either someone who, despite his size, his an underdog, trying to climb himself up, or someone slowly becoming more bitter then desperate to change his fortunes around. I think now it is just a matter of you getting into the swing of things then slowly going out of your comfort zone when ready. Even with my experience I had some adjusting to do in this fed with a new format and certain kinds of promos having a hint more success. But a respectable first step. So I think just in the future it will go down to you getting into the flow of things and ideally things will naturally improve on all fronts as you can explore grander ideas.

Second: @Tommy Bedlam

I'm doing this one, not because it is likely needed, but because I've known about his dodgeball ideas since I posted my CC promo since me mentioning Dodgeball one day in Discord accidentally inspired it.

-And I was going to go into detail, but I just... I just fucking lost it laughing. So many small references and digs at everyone. Though, the dog should have been named Milo. Welsh knows what I mean. But this was a case of you going outside of your comfort zone and hitting it in the balls with blue balls...

Jesus fuck this was not 12 year old safe. I think maybe it doesn't have as much in Character development, especially since it was such an out of the norm scene, but I think you probably made it up with everything else. Strong promo, and if you had the time to do this in the CC, you'd probably would have finished in the GO at min.

Third: Now, an opponent, @Jimmy King as Jackson Fenix. Besides, mods don't always get feedback and since SS can sleepwalk and write a 31 scored promo, and the other two are singles champs, I'll default to you for the moment.

This promo is seemingly set in three parts. First the interview, second, the drive, and then the mirror scene. I think you've been doing well at presenting Jackson and even Nate as faces. The turn seems natural with them already having that New Day esq charm from when they were heels of being entertaining. The digs at me, Jackson thinking Katsu was a vampire is funny, even if you hit that joke like three or four times. Then of course, I'm glad someone got the "Katsu chicken" line out of the way. Good thing there are multiple words in Japanese meaning different things pronounced that way! But I did enjoy the personality from Jackson in the promo. Just charming, dorky, a bit dim-witted. Then we have the final scene. The mirror. I think that scene was great as a way to get in the head of your character, still TRYING to be good and get better as a person, showing that conflict. But I think what could have helped that a bit more is some scene setting. Just set an atmosphere and let the moment breathe more. I'll show.

"Jackson finishes up his business and washes up. He splashes his face with cold water."

Instead, maybe something like:

In the bathrooms at Chuck-E-Cheese, Jackson Fenix, is just finishing up his business. The bathroom is as about as appealing as you'd expect from this fine establishment. Paper towels on the floor, the mirror has chips in it, graffiti on the walls, with art work of the famous rat itself on the walls. Despite the fun celebrations, Jackson Fenix seems a touch on edge. There is still something under the surface bothering him as he's in the washroom, alone. Running his hands through with soap and water (assuming he actually washes his hands), he looks up to see himself. His hair back in a ponytail, eyes pale. He looks like he's seen a ghost. Rinsing his hands, he splashes the cold water on his face.

”Come on man, lighten up!” he mutters to himself.

"Still the same old Jackson..."

Where did that voice come from? He looks up in the mirror and sees another version of himself looking back at him. [Then if there is anything special about this version, you'd show it here]

That's kind of the idea. You know upon entering a new scene where someone is, the atmosphere of it, any emotions/body tones. If you are ever stuck, something I always consider is the five senses, sight, smell, touch, gustatory, and hearing. Not all are required, but if one of those can help set a scene, then they can be explored.

The reaction of Jackson seeing himself in the mirror. Then there is a lot of line, line, line, dialogue. Breaking it up with something to show the tone of the "Evil" Jackson, Jackson's reaction to it, him looking to the side, having a sting, thinking of his loss to Mike Parr, anything. Especially that:

"She helped you once; big deal! That doesn't mean you owe her respect because you don't owe her squat! Playing nice won't help you beat her, just like it didn't help you beat Mike Parr back at The Grand March!"

Jackson winces back. The Grand March. Another chance at a title match slipped from his fingers. His reflection has a sly smirk on his face, yelling back.

Oh, that one stung, huh? Did I strike a nerve? The truth hurts, huh, Jackie boy?!

I think that extra bit of scene setting can be something to take your promo to the next level. You don't need to do it for every individual line said, but breaking it up a bit can help. Let the moments breathe, show the consequences of what is said/done. I've seen enough stuff to know you have a solid bedrock to build on. Great character, witty lines, with the UA especially you have a clear story arc to guide your promos, I think just that little extra detail. Some more scene setting, or small things to build the emotional scene of the promo can take it to a scarily high level.

Regardless, good work, good luck with this match and afterwards... But you do know I'm coming for the GO too


Next three will be a mix of a new person and two promos posted around the same time I posted mine.

 

[Rosie]

Next: A newbie with

JOSHI

POWEEEER!!!

@Momochi

Two things instantly stick out to me. First is how great your scene setting in. You paint a picture of your scene (with some nice art you made) and try to create a unique scene. The second is something which I don't really see in other e-fed promos and that is telling it from a first-person perspective. "I, me, we." I can't say it is bad, nor can I say what judges think of it, but in this circumstance, I feel as though it makes the promo feel personal and an almost novel like feeling. I appreciate it. Then we have the promo which I feel is a good balance, which is hard to do in a debut, between addressing the match AND doing what every first promo for a character needs to do and that's introduce yourself and give us a taster. We get a sense of her having some trauma at a young age which makes her matured quicker, but still having this upbeat and a hint bubbly personality. It's good and in terms of the other Joshi characters in the fed, which is rare there is more than one, it separates you from how Katsu is, the mysterious yet more emotional person with her friendships driving her, to Aka and Keiko's dynamic.

You also bring up some things which are likely going to push your character in the further weeks. Her being in a new place, even mentioning her needing a "Partner" for the sake of the match if she wins. I am having a hard time finding things to pick apart for improvement because the promo is different and in some ways, refreshing. I think there's potential in this one and it is a bit of a shame that between Tommy going mad with a Dodgeball promo, you doing this, that at least one of you will technically have to not win the match. Even Blizz I give some props for doing a good job given the rust he has.

But then again: I have my Stardom bias, don't judge me.

Next, my tag team partner: @Nostradamus doing his first solo promo in FWA as Keres.

First of all, all I have seen was Nova's lines for the sake of approval, but I trust him with Nova. He's known her well enough over the years to either get the lines spot on or close enough.

But I think the diary scene, while someone else has been doing some diary promos in FWA (as Tommy parodied in his promo) you do it in a completely different way and the promo mostly feels like a poem rather than a traditional promo, a certain flow, symbolism, etc which creates a unique style. I know you've wrote poetry over the years so that may be something you can keep in mind for Keres promos. You also get an insight into her mind as to why we've been doing all this to Lizzie and Joe being in the way. The only thing I really have to say is that I know you were sort of feeling the promo was short-ish, and while it is short compared to other promos I've seen here, it at least feels complete. In terms of more grand ideas, I believe you will be able to get them to grow more and more once you get more comfortable promo writing without me since I honestly believe you've been mostly doing stuff in pairs with me over the past several years apart from Marquise Bridges in AMA and the first XX promo you did. Not as in depth, but a bit of feedback. As always, great symbolism, you wrote your lines with purpose, but improvement in solo works will likely come as you get grander ideas, maybe opponents with more to go off of, and you get used to writing Keres on your own in singles matches where I'm not there.

@WelshyBOI

Someone is on a roll, eh?

First, I'll say the thing which is a criticism. I think for the French parts you maybe should have just wrote it in English but had the description mention someone speaking French. I think it cuts the flow of it of an otherwise really good promo. But I get it, my primary character is Japanese. Good thing I have French heritage and could pick out maybe 20% of the words, just the inability to put them together.

The opening with us learning a bit about Trixie and Bret's family, the speech, and a little bit of Bret being the older brother messing with her, works. I think it is heartwarming and gets you sort of rooting for Trixie and feel happy for her. Her first title match. But then we got the day-dream. Her being placed in a war scene with "Der Bastard." I believe it plays off the original promo CBK Did against you where he shot your bro? So, it makes some symbolic sense, plays off her ancestry. But that scene was stress inducing and was a big tonal shift, but one that worked. Then the end of Trixie rushing to hug Bret after the bad dream, kind of heart-warming.

I really think this is a solid promo and apart from the challenges that come with having multiple languages in a promo, which I actually had to balance in mine I did, you did pretty damn good in your first proper title match. Good job.

So, three solid promos after doing the other three which were all good in their own right. Good job, crew.

 

[WelshyBOI]

Next: A newbie with

JOSHI

POWEEEER!!!

@Momochi

Two things instantly stick out to me. First is how great your scene setting in. You paint a picture of your scene (with some nice art you made) and try to create a unique scene. The second is something which I don't really see in other e-fed promos and that is telling it from a first-person perspective. "I, me, we." I can't say it is bad, nor can I say what judges think of it, but in this circumstance, I feel as though it makes the promo feel personal and an almost novel like feeling. I appreciate it. Then we have the promo which I feel is a good balance, which is hard to do in a debut, between addressing the match AND doing what every first promo for a character needs to do and that's introduce yourself and give us a taster. We get a sense of her having some trauma at a young age which makes her matured quicker, but still having this upbeat and a hint bubbly personality. It's good and in terms of the other Joshi characters in the fed, which is rare there is more than one, it separates you from how Katsu is, the mysterious yet more emotional person with her friendships driving her, to Aka and Keiko's dynamic.

You also bring up some things which are likely going to push your character in the further weeks. Her being in a new place, even mentioning her needing a "Partner" for the sake of the match if she wins. I am having a hard time finding things to pick apart for improvement because the promo is different and in some ways, refreshing. I think there's potential in this one and it is a bit of a shame that between Tommy going mad with a Dodgeball promo, you doing this, that at least one of you will technically have to not win the match. Even Blizz I give some props for doing a good job given the rust he has.

But then again: I have my Stardom bias, don't judge me.

Next, my tag team partner: @Nostradamus doing his first solo promo in FWA as Keres.

First of all, all I have seen was Nova's lines for the sake of approval, but I trust him with Nova. He's known her well enough over the years to either get the lines spot on or close enough.

But I think the diary scene, while someone else has been doing some diary promos in FWA (as Tommy parodied in his promo) you do it in a completely different way and the promo mostly feels like a poem rather than a traditional promo, a certain flow, symbolism, etc which creates a unique style. I know you've wrote poetry over the years so that may be something you can keep in mind for Keres promos. You also get an insight into her mind as to why we've been doing all this to Lizzie and Joe being in the way. The only thing I really have to say is that I know you were sort of feeling the promo was short-ish, and while it is short compared to other promos I've seen here, it at least feels complete. In terms of more grand ideas, I believe you will be able to get them to grow more and more once you get more comfortable promo writing without me since I honestly believe you've been mostly doing stuff in pairs with me over the past several years apart from Marquise Bridges in AMA and the first XX promo you did. Not as in depth, but a bit of feedback. As always, great symbolism, you wrote your lines with purpose, but improvement in solo works will likely come as you get grander ideas, maybe opponents with more to go off of, and you get used to writing Keres on your own in singles matches where I'm not there.

@WelshyBOI

Someone is on a roll, eh?

First, I'll say the thing which is a criticism. I think for the French parts you maybe should have just wrote it in English but had the description mention someone speaking French. I think it cuts the flow of it of an otherwise really good promo. But I get it, my primary character is Japanese. Good thing I have French heritage and could pick out maybe 20% of the words, just the inability to put them together.

The opening with us learning a bit about Trixie and Bret's family, the speech, and a little bit of Bret being the older brother messing with her, works. I think it is heartwarming and gets you sort of rooting for Trixie and feel happy for her. Her first title match. But then we got the day-dream. Her being placed in a war scene with "Der Bastard." I believe it plays off the original promo CBK Did against you where he shot your bro? So, it makes some symbolic sense, plays off her ancestry. But that scene was stress inducing and was a big tonal shift, but one that worked. Then the end of Trixie rushing to hug Bret after the bad dream, kind of heart-warming.

I really think this is a solid promo and apart from the challenges that come with having multiple languages in a promo, which I actually had to balance in mine I did, you did pretty damn good in your first proper title match. Good job.

So, three solid promos after doing the other three which were all good in their own right. Good job, crew.

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it!

Just a note on me not translating the French dialogue, I’ll just give my thought process on it.

Basically, for the dream/memory scene, I tried to write it in a way that we aren’t seeing the scene in the same way as my previous scenes in the promo, which were writing in more of a [Us looking at the scene in the same way as watching a TV Show, with everyone in a 3rd person perspective]. I attempted to write it through a first person view, with Trixie seeing through the eyes of another, but Trixie’s mind is the lens through which the reader sees the scene. And with that, and since Trixie doesn’t have any understanding of the French language, I figured that it’d be better to leave the French dialogue untranslated, since we’re viewing it through Trixie’s mind and she doesn’t understand what’s being said, so I actually half way wanted the reader not to be able to understand the French dialogue as well, since that puts the reader in the same boat as Trixie.

I did attempt to follow up the French dialogue almost immediately with clear actions, where the reader could kinda figure out what was said almost immediately following it, for example. (I’m not direct quoting my promo since I’m on my phone, lol)

- When Trixie/Amelie sees Summers through the window and he waved at her, that was immediately followed by her calling Pierre/Bret…so what was said can kinda be figured as “there’s some asshole in our garden!” (That’s not a direct translation, but still )

- Or that long winded piece of dialogue that Pierre/Bret tells Trixie/Amelie before he opens the door and confronts Summers. That piece of dialogue was immediately followed by Trixie/Amelie running towards the barn, locking the door, and then looking to set the think on fire…so again, what was said can kinda be deduced from the following actions, despite not understanding the words themselves.

Just a couple of examples, lol. The fact that I didn’t translate the French dialogue was my biggest worry with this promo, since I didn’t know if people would understand why went in that direction. If it affects my scores in any way, then I’ll consider it a lesson learned for the future…but, I tried something different and shot my shot, lol. FINGERS CROSSED!

Again, thanks so much for the feedback! I truly appreciate it. Especially from someone that I genuinely look up to when it comes to E-Feds and writing.

 

[Momochi]

That was a great review thank you Katsu! Also big thank you to others who directly messaged me and giving their own thoughts on the promo as well
You're all awesome and very supportive.

I'll remember these and make sure to return the favour in the near future when I write some reviews, myself!

Cheers!

 

[weaselperson]

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it!

Just a note on me not translating the French dialogue, I’ll just give my thought process on it.

Basically, for the dream/memory scene, I tried to write it in a way that we aren’t seeing the scene in the same way as my previous scenes in the promo, which were writing in more of a [Us looking at the scene in the same way as watching a TV Show, with everyone in a 3rd person perspective]. I attempted to write it through a first person view, with Trixie seeing through the eyes of another, but Trixie’s mind is the lens through which the reader sees the scene. And with that, and since Trixie doesn’t have any understanding of the French language, I figured that it’d be better to leave the French dialogue untranslated, since we’re viewing it through Trixie’s mind and she doesn’t understand what’s being said, so I actually half way wanted the reader not to be able to understand the French dialogue as well, since that puts the reader in the same boat as Trixie.

I did attempt to follow up the French dialogue almost immediately with clear actions, where the reader could kinda figure out what was said almost immediately following it, for example. (I’m not direct quoting my promo since I’m on my phone, lol)

- When Trixie/Amelie sees Summers through the window and he waved at her, that was immediately followed by her calling Pierre/Bret…so what was said can kinda be figured as “there’s some asshole in our garden!” (That’s not a direct translation, but still )

- Or that long winded piece of dialogue that Pierre/Bret tells Trixie/Amelie before he opens the door and confronts Summers. That piece of dialogue was immediately followed by Trixie/Amelie running towards the barn, locking the door, and then looking to set the think on fire…so again, what was said can kinda be deduced from the following actions, despite not understanding the words themselves.

Just a couple of examples, lol. The fact that I didn’t translate the French dialogue was my biggest worry with this promo, since I didn’t know if people would understand why went in that direction. If it affects my scores in any way, then I’ll consider it a lesson learned for the future…but, I tried something different and shot my shot, lol. FINGERS CROSSED!

Again, thanks so much for the feedback! I truly appreciate it. Especially from someone that I genuinely look up to when it comes to E-Feds and writing.

If I were hypothetically grading, I don't think its something that would effect your score negatively & if anything would add to the mood of the promo for me.

 

[SupineSnake]

Some quick thoughts. Maybe part one, maybe the only part. We’ll see…

Al Blizzard - this was an interesting introductory promo after what has felt like months of rollercoastering hype. Really glad to see the character finally landing for real in the fed with this piece. This one helped to set the scene for Al, give us a little bit of history on him and some links with people who are here and familiar to this fed. Intrigued by who the mysterious visitor it is and whether or not they will play a part in Blizzard’s story going forward. Would’ve definitely liked to have seen a little bit more match focus - not necessarily a running down of other characters in the match, but I felt this one definitely dwelled upon the past more than the future in terms of the peripheral characters it discussed. Focussing on your own character in these multi-man matches can work to your advantage but would’ve liked to have seen a little more about the eight-person in this promo. Still, interesting start and looking forward to where Al goes.

Lizzie - I’m not really sure what to make of this promo. Certainly extremely intriguing. Am I to gather that perhaps this is something to do with Rose’s on-screen storyline with Eternal? Would certainly fit with the kind of stuff that we’ve been seeing from them on television. That would certainly be a very interesting direction. Curious.

Bedlam - good job on picking something to pastiche that is pretty much universally familiar! That can sometimes be a risk with these things but don’t think there’s many who won’t understand what strand you’re following. Very fun promo - you mentioned in the Discord that you were just throwing things at the wall here and that definitely comes across in this entertaining roleplay. Particular highlight for me was Madison Gray putting more focus into her diary than the game and getting eliminated as a result, thought that was a funny touch that brought something from in the fed to the context. I would’ve liked to have seen that done more often with some of the other characters - maybe it’s difficult to do that with some of the newer ones but at times I feel maybe the promo slipped into just dodgeball descriptions rather than parallels to fed stuff. Fun dodgeball descriptions, though. Stuff like Tommy’s blue balls is definitely juvenile but the gusto with which you throw yourself into it, and the set-up as a whole, is pretty endearing. Definitely one of the most entertaining promos of the week.

Best - like I mentioned with Tommy, can sometimes run the risk with things like this of the person reading/grading not knowing the pastiche and missing some of the humour. Haven’t seen Cobra Kai but got by on my knowledge of Karate Kid here. Of course, the best of these parody type promos are the ones where it shouldn’t really matter if you’ve seen the source at all and I think that was the case here. You still managed to tell a complete and engaging story with relevance through parallels to what is actually going on in the fed. Kinda wish Best and Bax had just gone ahead and joined Nephew Kai, though. Definitely the stronger Kai. My favourite element to this promo was how, towards the end, it seemed to be gearing up towards Jeremy Best having a Cyrus/CC-type revelation that only he is standing in his own way… only for him to swerve us at the end, externalise, and lay all of the blame at Violet’s feet. Jeremy continues to slide, which was some nice character work.

Fenix - this felt like a fuller and more complete promo from Jackson Fenix that continued on the well-received and well-written arc. I mentioned Jeremy Best’s continued slide towards the dark side and it’s really interesting to read Fenix’s continuation along the opposite trajectory. Fenix has been this sort of obnoxious heelish type character, and at times perhaps even comic relief for Savage’s more serious side of the tandem, for so long, so it’s great to see him embarking on something a bit meatier and different. You threw a lot of things at the wall here in the conversation with Price, stuff with Jackson’s mother, Chuck E. Cheese and then, at the end of the promo, the scene with Fenix in the mirror. This was an interesting way of showing the internal conflict in the character, although part of me thinks it’s perhaps we’ve seen it done by the likes of Shawn Summers, PAJ, and maybe more quite recently. Enjoyable promo and good to see you continuing your trend of great work with Fenix.

Noriko - it’s clear that you’re a really talented writer, even from this short introductory piece with this character. Scene-setting at the start was a real strength (although maybe a little too reliant on adverbs in the first couple paragraphs) - I always like to learn a couple of new words from a promo! The whole thing was so clean and easy to read from a presentation standpoint. I only noticed one or two spelling errors and the image header was unique and looked very fresh. Some interesting imagery throughout the promo, the dolls of the opponents in this match providing a little bit of match focus, even if perhaps we don’t delve too deeply here. That’s pretty understandable given the nature of the match and that this is really an introductory roleplay for Noriko. Younger Noriko disappearing was well-written and again some more nice imagery, providing some simple but effective character development (which is often difficult to do in the first promo). Really excited about this character.

Randall - McClain spotting! Marking for McClains and McClones in this one. Short but fun romp with some science fiction elements that I’m always going to pop for. Added some creativity to the promo and made it an enjoyable read. Obviously you have prioritised the Fenix promo this week and I think that is understandable given the two matches you have this week, but this was amusing and does the job against Derrick Hunter. World-building with the clones is always appreciated, hoping for more of that at CDW.

Keres - we return to Eternal’s TORN universe here for another highly atmospheric, sombre, and intriguing journey into the mind of Keres (with, of course, some insight into Princess Nova along the way, too). Used the word atmospheric already but atmosphere leaps out to me as your real strength, particularly in the scene-setting sequences throughout this one. I love your use of ‘dear, dear diary’ repetitively throughout the promo. I thought this gave the thing a real melodic quality, almost hypnotic in its rhythm as the promo builds through its crescendo. The content of this, too, almost read like a riddle, making the reader think twice about every sentence and the writer’s intended meaning and what it said of the opponent. Purple tree imagery is pretty stark, like that a lot. The Eternal vs. Lizzie and Joe rivalry is developing really nicely and Keres’ eerie and intense presence is a large part of that.

Trixie - definitely a creative and inventive promo here from Trixie, glad to see she took a swing at the Television Championship and went all out. The start of this promo felt almost Wes Anderson -esque with the sudden sidestep into the middle of France and the previously unheard (I think) backstory about Trixie and Bret’s wealthy great grandmother. Complete coincidence but I once planned out a similar promo for Michelle back in Netherlands (or maybe it was Belgium) but I never wrote it for whatever reason. More free-wheeling and creative stuff with the leap back in time and an interesting way of approaching the opponents in the match (some more than others) through this flashback/hallucination/whatever it is. Think it makes sense and is in-fitting with the character for Trixie to sort of exaggerate and dramatise her relationship with Shawn Summers, and this section certainly served to highlight the contrast between the champion and the challenger. This section felt very hectic, there’s definitely often a frantic element to your writing which I guess goes with the Trixie character. Promo definitely felt a bit cleaner than last time in terms of spelling etc. Good work here, this match is going to be interesting. Also, just to comment on the discussion - I didn’t have an issue with the French dialogue at all. We are seeing this from Trixie’s perspective and Trixie doesn’t speak French. This was clever writing and added to the scene.

Katsu - this was another well written and enjoyable effort from Katsu, following on from her impressive fourth place showing in the Carnal Contendership. The opening half built up Katsu's background universe more, which is something you've done a good job with since joining the fed. I was beginning to think that maybe the conversation-themed promo was maybe a little too straight forward and traditional, but the second half of the promo was certainly a lot more creative. I think the way you're writing language stuff definitely a lot less jarring now in my opinion. Fun theme for the second half of the promo - though there was some amusement in Katsu lambasting Fenix for doubtlessly doing a Japanese trope promo and then sort of slipping into one. Also felt that maybe the promo was a little disjointed with the two separate parts. Would've preferred more of an overarching narrative or at least more evident thematic links between the two halves. That said, another interesting piece and I have a feeling Katsu gonna be rolling towards the Golden Opportunity.

Kazadi - interesting that you’re going down the route of continuing old Kazadi stories and newish weaselperson ones simultaneously, as well as introducing new layers to the character what with Kazadi returning under this new guise. This one felt quite episodic, which I guess it had to be to further some disparate character and plot points, but I liked the constant theme of Kazadi’s conversation with his uncle running throughout the promo. That helped tie it together and give the over piece some consistency. I really like Wanda and glad that she’s sticking around. Didn’t much like the detective but I think that’s deliberate. That scene was very funny, loved Kazadi recounting what happened in the CC promo and accidentally snitching on Jermaine in the midst of it. Meta stuff about it being confusing, hard to follow, some filler references etc were amusing too. Centerpiece was definitely the closing segments where Kazadi turns on Truth after not a huge amount of match focus for most of the body. Monologuish close-up with repeated ‘tell me how you really feel’ was definitely excellently written and scathing but I could see it maybe viewed as being tacked on to the main text rather than a real culmination of it. Still thought this was a killer promo. Also loads ‘cleaner’ than last week’s in terms of presentation.

Cyrus - after the world championship match and then Cyrus going all-out in the great race for the Carnal Contendership, would’ve been easy for Truth to sort of take it easy a bit here and I think the Kazadi promo almost expected you to (not with Jon’s effort but rather with the content). Obviously wasn’t the case and Truth comes out with fists swinging with a promo illustrating why exactly it’s important that Truth does keep going on the stretch to Back in Business. It’s always interesting to see Truth interacting with Konchu Hao – there’s a fun dynamic between the two characters and I like the subtle allusions to events in their history, both ones that we’re privy to (i.e. Sulley’s castle) and ones that we aren’t (that one time in Malaysia… unless I’m forgetting something from a previous promo there?!). The dialogue element with Hao also helped this to feel fresh and distinct from the previous two promos and the assessment on both weaselperson and Kazadi was (as usual) razor sharp. Truth is in good form, hope it continues to Back in Business for all our sake.

Peacock - there were times when I thought that maybe this was a homage or a pastiche to something but I’m pleased to hear it’s an original story. Was creative and helped out by the originality of the narrative, but the overall setting is something that is maybe overdone and I’m hoping a more unique feel to this world begins to emerge throughout. I don’t know if it’s a spoiler that you plan to continue this narrative thread all the way along the path to back in business, which is definitely an intriguing concept and something I’m looking forward to seeing you develop – not only in terms of the characters inhabiting the world but the world itself. Always interested in worldbuilding and I think that will be necessary to help distinguish this place from other fantasy worlds we see in these promos (I think Fantasia itself has also been used multiple times, for instance). Definitely some interesting discussions on the Peacock and Toner relationship throughout this promo, the highs and lows of it and where they’re at now, but felt the Watcher was perhaps the most intriguing element of it. Looking forward to him coming into it more. Still not sure why Rose and Cole were chosen for their roles, perhaps I missed something there. I liked certain meta elements to it, like the rat scene (which felt like a video game training level and had me convinced you were homaging something), Danny’s fear, and experimentations with homelessness. Really neat concept to set a whole cycle of promos in one world and looking forward to seeing if you pull it off.

XYZ - really enjoyed this promo. Think X is a really unique voice, a complete baby-face whose driving force is hope. Loved the part where Angelo recounted what he'd learned about X from his research, to be told that that's not who he *is*. I thought this was quietly creative in that the focus of the promo was Christian rather than X, with the adventurer drifting through the narrative and affecting it from the peripheries. Made the promo feel different and by telling it from a fan's perspective you brought out a fair bit about what the character is and what he means to the XYZites. I like the informality of the narrator and the way that they often pause to talk directly to the reader - I try that sometimes but the manner in which you do it seems different, as if I'm being told a story at a campfire rather than in a library. Would've loved to have seen this fleshed out a little more and some focus put on your opponent, but what was here was really enjoyable stuff.

 

[Rosie]

Katsu - this was another well written and enjoyable effort from Katsu, following on from her impressive fourth place showing in the Carnal Contendership. The opening half built up Katsu's background universe more, which is something you've done a good job with since joining the fed. I was beginning to think that maybe the conversation-themed promo was maybe a little too straight forward and traditional, but the second half of the promo was certainly a lot more creative. I think the way you're writing language stuff definitely a lot less jarring now in my opinion. Fun theme for the second half of the promo - though there was some amusement in Katsu lambasting Fenix for doubtlessly doing a Japanese trope promo and then sort of slipping into one. Also felt that maybe the promo was a little disjointed with the two separate parts. Would've preferred more of an overarching narrative or at least more evident thematic links between the two halves. That said, another interesting piece and I have a feeling Katsu gonna be rolling towards the Golden Opportunity.

Thanks! I really think I did try to get them connected, but struggled. Though I did try to at least hint towards some things brought up in the other half, I could have done better. I nearly went fully into an extended version of the second half and instead post the first half as a separate non-match promo as it does hit a few CD points I want, her sort of trying to learn and improve from her past, trying to not get hard on herself on a loss, and if anything getting a touch defensive when Cali was acting over protective. But I honestly kept reaching mental walls writing that until Saturday. Just nothing seemed to flow mentally for it until I just broke through. I'll for sure keep that in mind in the future.

 

[Mandalorian]

Thought I would throw down a few more promo reviews whilst I am here...

Reagan Cole - @The Gipper
So, I'm not quite sure whether it was intentional or not, but I think some of the way that the narrative was written did help add to how Reagan was feeling in the opening part of the promo. Things like "I mean...", "he just wants to get some sleep, man" allows us as readers to understand how he is feeling when having that interaction, as we've all been there. If it was intentional, those were great touches in giving off a sense of Reagan just being totally fed up. Did I miss a part where he was given a new room? As it went from 88 with the two fat ladies joke, to 666?

Anyway, YES! This is what I have been waiting on for so long and for Reagan to get called out for everything that has been going on and why he's sticking with Mason despite everything. I think had you had more time available then this promo had potential to be one of your best, only because the scope for progression with everything here was so high. There's definitely more to come from this, I hope. This was a very solid effort, Gip, and another one in what has been a line of good promos coming from Reagan Cole this year. With GO on the horizon, you're definitely picking up some steam at the right time.

Makima Snowmantashi - @weaselperson
Okay, so I'll be honest. I was conflicted as soon as I realised where this was going as I was hoping for more of a standalone piece to introduce us properly to Makima, but in this instance, it makes sense that there would be some linkage in here with the Nephews, given that her goal is to win this match to then go and face two of them. On that basis, it makes perfect sense that they'd be involved here in some capacity although arguably you have an unfair advantage of being able to use them carte blanche due to how close you are with dijo. Harry being able to read the inner monologue was great and the wiping his hands subtle hint to it before it was made clear was very good.

The concept for this promo was brilliant, with people all having someone matched with them to mimic the ability to choose their partner. I liked the Hateful Eight set up with the added touch of Makima pretending not to be who she said she was at first. It actually being a legitimate thing was a twist I should have expected from you but I did not. I do think that the promo being so high concept and securing creativity boosts does come at the costs of some character development. For example, Makima started out being very sure of herself and despite everything going on, remained very sure of herself. I accept that she did not encounter much adversity along the way as she believed she was fully in control the entire time, though.

I think this is a very strong promo and a fun introductory piece for Makima here in the FWA. You've left me wanting to read more from her and seeing where this all goes next. Good job.

Lizzie Rose - @AON
With everything going on with Lizzie at the moment, this kind of promo raises my eyebrow less than it otherwise would have. I think this is a good reflection of Lizzie sensing the change within herself that is happening as she becomes more and more drawn away from what she knows as reality. Lizzie may not get the win in this match, but I think this is still a very good development for her. Although I won't lie I was rooting for you to win this because Lizzie and Joe tag champs would be amazing, especially after we already almost beat Connection last year.

Tommy Bedlam - @Tommy Bedlam
Someone is playing a little game of "appeal to the graders", aren't they? Dodgeball is an amazing film and whilst this was not a case of the promo being made to fit around the plot of the movie, I liked the references to it throughout. When writing a promo for a multi-person match, it is easy to fall into the trap of by one means or another, the field either being eliminated from the promo or focus being shifted from each opponent in turn. It is something that has happened to me many times before, and I think you did slightly do that here as well. However, it is not to say that those kind of promos where each of your opponents are considered in turn are automatically bad, because they aren't (look at the Nova Diamond GO promo for example). What ensured that was still the case here was the renewed focus on Tommy throughout.

The references to switches and of course the ending of the promo really makes me a feel a certain way, as I know what it is in reference to. You will have boosted your QOC score at the end with the consideration of the next steps, as it adds weight to the importance of this match from Tommy's perspective. Like, why bother going for it in a match like this if you don't have that next step prepared for and a partner lined up? Really smart work there with that. This was very fun to read, and like Cole, Bedlam is definitely one of the characters that is on the up at the moment and has been for the last several months.

Noriko Kaitomi - @Momochi
Out of all of the promos for this match, this is one of the two I was looking forward to reading the most, along with Al Blizzard, as it is the first time that we have seen what you've got in a competitive promo, and I have got to say that this is a very promising character. First of all, I have no idea how you were able to format the image like that but it looks great. I really like descriptive writing styles, as I try to write in the same manner myself, and these opening sections are very strong in that way.

I really really liked the theme of this promo, with Noriko letting go of her younger self and it was actually a very moving and emotional piece of writing when the younger self disappeared away. The dolls being stand ins for opponents is something that can be seen quite often, but that does not mean that the metaphor doesn't work. With Noriko not having any existing link to anyone else in the match, it makes sense that she was the main focus of the promo. I thoroughly enjoyed this and I am really looking forward to seeing what comes next as the character becomes more established in-universe.

 

[The Gipper]

Thought I would throw down a few more promo reviews whilst I am here...

Reagan Cole - @The Gipper
Did I miss a part where he was given a new room? As it went from 88 with the two fat ladies joke, to 666?

....Fuck. It was originally 666 but I went back and changed the joke and forgot that I mentioned the number twice. XD

Also appreciate the feedback as always!