Meltdown XXV and Fallout 025 || Card & Discussion Thread

[Comeback Kid]

@The Golden One
So let's set the stage for a few things before I get into my review. One, you know I don't get to read as much as I would like and I want you to know that I hate I hadn't had a chance to follow the Devin Golden character as he went on this journey. Two, it's hard for some people to realize when they have accomplished everything with a character and I have to say that you choose the perfect time to do it - still on top and in your prime with writing.

Now, to get into the actual review. I knew that Devin had this thought that all of the FWA was just made up in his head and him waking up in the hospital and the doctor telling him you're good and you can finally go home was just so damn good to me. You really got me hooked with that intro. Devin knows its over but is like I've gotta go back and finish . Chefs kiss good.

I loved how you had Devin Golden talking to you the writer in the car and getting answers to some questions and leaving other answers up to Devin and the reader to decide. It was dialogue-heavy at times but that wasn't a bad thing for me because I was genuinely hooked on what they were saying and not how they were reacting (I mean they're driving what all can you really do in a car, lol).

The notes to Rondo and Toner was great and really added to the finality to things. I liked the way you let them know you have some regrets of things that you didn't get to do with them - it gave it more depth. I felt like there was some of you coming through in the Devin Golden character when talking about how you created all of this because in a sense you kind of did for a good while when you were head mod. We were in your world playing with our characters. That was such good shit!

Alyster Black wasn't the focus of the promo and normally I would be like aww man you gotta focus on your opponent a little bit but fuck man it worked the way you did mention Alyster still giving him props but also hyping up your legacy throughout the promo.

The ending sequence was straight up out of a movie. It was real emotion, man. I loved it.

 

[Comeback Kid]

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, this is my first time writing for Bret and Bellatrix that isn't as part of a team with @Patriot Pants, so It'll take me some time to get used to it. The SpongeBob references were just a device to A: Highlight a little bit of her childlike nature, along with sitting on the floor to watch the TV because I've seen my niece do it etc, lol. and B. It was just a way that I could introduce Trixie's tendency to zone out and wander off into daydreams, since it's a concept that I plan on exploring more in the future and shall attempt to use to further stories once the character is a little more entrenched in the Fed. If you wanna know more about the origin of why Trixie tends to drift off, I've explained the backstory of it in her sign-up.

As far as not going hard on Shawn Summers, I felt like once Trixie found out that Shawn attacked Vampyra, I could've gone the route of a character assassination, but Trixie is such an oblivious person when it comes to most things that she genuinely wouldn't know who Shawn Summers is. Like, in AMA, Trixie had her first match while thinking she was literally a "Hitwoman" because that was the only way her brother could get her to listen to him. Like, she's fucking clueless . I could have had Bret go in on Shawn Summers more, but Bret was so concerned about his sister's safety above everything else, that he just went on a rant about the situation she's gonna find herself in, in what will be her first singles match EVER, only her third professional wrestling match EVER, and her opponent is still an experienced, former champion who will pretty much do anything to win, so I had Bret highlight more the threat of Shawn, since that's what Bret would be worried about due to his concern for his sister. I probably could've gotten a bit more out of that scene, but I had very little time to myself on Sunday and so I had to get the promo out Saturday, lol.

I appreciate the feedback!

BTW, having read your promo...congrats on the win!

Also, a bit rude having Shawn kill a representation of Bret in front of a representation of Trixie, lol, but I enjoyed it. It amazes me how so many people in this Fed can think of things like writing WW1 war stories and somehow tie them into the story of a wrestling match...like I said on Discord, it's a level of thinking that I can only hope to achieve. Big props, and again, congrats on the win.

I wouldn't call my promo a win by any means at this time but I will tell you to not be intimidated by the writing of any of us because you 100% will achieve that level of thinking that you don't think you have yet (you do have it). I'm really looking forward to seeing Bellatrix (love the name btw) go through FWA and mature. My promo was rushed at the end but I knew that I wanted to use your characters as devices to show how much of a bastard Shawn Summers was. Kind of like his beginning.

 

[The Golden One]

@The Golden One
So let's set the stage for a few things before I get into my review. One, you know I don't get to read as much as I would like and I want you to know that I hate I hadn't had a chance to follow the Devin Golden character as he went on this journey. Two, it's hard for some people to realize when they have accomplished everything with a character and I have to say that you choose the perfect time to do it - still on top and in your prime with writing.

Now, to get into the actual review. I knew that Devin had this thought that all of the FWA was just made up in his head and him waking up in the hospital and the doctor telling him you're good and you can finally go home was just so damn good to me. You really got me hooked with that intro. Devin knows its over but is like I've gotta go back and finish . Chefs kiss good.

I loved how you had Devin Golden talking to you the writer in the car and getting answers to some questions and leaving other answers up to Devin and the reader to decide. It was dialogue-heavy at times but that wasn't a bad thing for me because I was genuinely hooked on what they were saying and not how they were reacting (I mean they're driving what all can you really do in a car, lol).

The notes to Rondo and Toner was great and really added to the finality to things. I liked the way you let them know you have some regrets of things that you didn't get to do with them - it gave it more depth. I felt like there was some of you coming through in the Devin Golden character when talking about how you created all of this because in a sense you kind of did for a good while when you were head mod. We were in your world playing with our characters. That was such good shit!

Alyster Black wasn't the focus of the promo and normally I would be like aww man you gotta focus on your opponent a little bit but fuck man it worked the way you did mention Alyster still giving him props but also hyping up your legacy throughout the promo.

The ending sequence was straight up out of a movie. It was real emotion, man. I loved it.

You're a prince and a scholar, CBK. I appreciate your review and feedback a lot.

 

[WelshyBOI]

I wouldn't call my promo a win by any means at this time but I will tell you to not be intimidated by the writing of any of us because you 100% will achieve that level of thinking that you don't think you have yet (you do have it). I'm really looking forward to seeing Bellatrix (love the name btw) go through FWA and mature. My promo was rushed at the end but I knew that I wanted to use your characters as devices to show how much of a bastard Shawn Summers was. Kind of like his beginning.

Just saying…if Trixie is officially the origin of the “Der Basterd” nickname, I want at least 20% of all revenue from Shawn Summers’ merch sales

PS…congrats on the win!

 

[Rosie]

@Tiger Princess

I believe that you said that you would go a slightly different route with your promo than you normally do for this one and I think that can be a good thing. I can admit that it can get boring writing the same/similar-themed promos. I thought you did an excellent job of describing the agony and disappointment that Vampyra (Vamp) was experiencing after losing to MVH and still dealing with the attack from Summers. I did feel like there were many short choppy sentences that could have been combined together instead - but that could just be a style difference between you and me. I noticed throughout the promo that you had included many details that I felt didn't really help push the narrative further or add to the scene setting.

I liked what you did with incorporating the "death" of Gabby at the hands of Kayden into the promo and how you wrapped everything up with the character that was supposed to be Kayden. I thought it was a nice touch to really hit your opponent while also still telling the story that you wanted to tell.

You do a great job of showcasing the importance of the relationships that Vampyra has with her friends in every promo that I have read from you. Too many times we see characters that are just loners and have no one to confide in when they are at their lowest of lows or to celebrate with when they are at their highest. You could tell that her friend was deeply impacted by the loss of Vampyra at the funeral. That was a good showcase of pathos.

Although I'm a big fan of how you portray the relationships between Vampyra and her friends I find myself not impressed with the dialogue presented between them. It doesn't feel real. The characters are just giving monologues with little to no emotion shown throughout it and that's just not how people talk in the real world. They narrow their eyes when they are making a stinging point at someone. They may pace around while talking to show that they are thinking or confuse the person they are talking to or do other small things that are important to convey their message. I would tell you to kind of take a look at SS' previous promos and even the most recent one from Dubb. I find looking at how my favorite authors add in details in the books I read a good place to look when I'm writing dialogue.

I didn't realize that Vampyra was supposed to be 21 years old. This literally has no impact on your promo or anything like that it's just a pet peeve of mine that I've seen for ears in the efed world - where they'll have this really young wrestler (pretty much anyone under 25) that's had such an accomplished career prior to coming to the fed. It just doesn't read well to me because it's kind of an anomaly. I would bet that almost 90% of 21-year-olds aren't excelling at the careers they choose at the same level as those who've been in the industry a little longer. Tie in the fact that most 21-year-olds are extremely immature and lack the critical thinking skills that you have provided for the character of Vampyra. I personally think it's a disservice to the character to have her that young but that's just my opinion.

Thank you for the feedback. I'm glad you got some of the theming of it. I kind of took the idea of, for the bulk of the promo, her chances of the tournament are now dead. So I wanted to show that. So I went with the graveyard motif but rather than doing what often people do with it and go "Oh yeah, this is for my opponent!" Etc, Vampyra herself starts in the grave/going into it. Then show people may be happy she's suffered (Summers), benefit from it(MvH), or just don't give a shit despite maybe "deserving" that fate themselves (Kayden for brutalizing's Gabby) Her chances are dead. But she crawls out from it. She's down. But the eulogy from her friend brought her out of it, not wanting those people to have a last laugh, focusing on those who do support her (friends, her fans, etc).

I will keep some of that stuff in mind for dialogue and maybe sometime this week I'll look at those other promos for how to improve my narration to take the emotional notes of my promo to a higher level. I think some of the choppiness, especially from Vamp or Cali in the funeral/graveyard is potentially due to the fact they are speaking Japanese, as I mention, and I try to show a "general translation" to reflect it being in a different language. But also I do know that I can have marbles in my mouth at times even in real life which can translate to my writing. I might have to rethink how I do the different languages thing the future as that will be a continued challenge for my character.

As for your pet-peeve. I did mention it to you in discord, but I'll explain it here. I think it becomes a touch more clear once you take the context of the character. First of all, many Joshi do start young, like some like Riho from AEW and AZM start at 9 and 11 respectively. Vampyra has wrestled since like 15, so she's had 6 years in the ring, leaving more time for "success." So she'd be probably similar time in the ring wise to someone 26-ish from the West in terms of in-ring development. I do agree that I hate when people make their characters this uber accomplished person while being young "OH YEAH! I CONQUERED JAPAN! I'M A FORMER WORLD CHAMPION!" etc. But when deciding what she HAS succeeded, I tried to not go too overboard. Two Trios Championship reigns and one tournament. By its nature, a Trios title isn't a top belt, but one where you wrestle with two others (potentially better wrestlers). The second reign of the two was longer, but that was after she has some more time in the ring and has a pair of partners she clicks well with. Then the tournament was designed for wrestlers under 18 or less than 2 years in. At least in my mind, I frame her more as mid-card in Japan and a young wrestler with upside. Not going to be a main eventer overnight, but has the potential to get there with work and some breakout performances.

For a note of her personality, I think some of it can come down to cultural differences as well, and her up-bringing. I've got planned some things in the future which piece together bits of how she was raised, early career, etc. But I don't think I've been able to fill the entire picture yet. That is in part due to the F1 taking up so much promo time recently for her and me not wanting to pepper every promo with "Okay, I need a flashback here. Or this to be revealed in detail, etc." What I have revealed which may or may not reflect her personality is her ability to manage stress, anxiety, and emotions. I remember, and I think you mentioned it in her Sawyer promo, was her beginning to freak out. In my MvH promo I actually expanded on that a lot more. What happened was, because she was down in the tournament, her "moment" got ruined by an attack, she is up against M V Fucking H with a knee injury, on top of the stress of the European tour she had a massive anxiety attack. She wasn't "emotionally mature" enough to take those issues and think over them and just concluded "I'm fucked. Fuck me." What helped her snap out, similar to the opening of this promo, Cali showed up and she gave her a pep talk.

I hope as time goes on and I piece things some things together to make it a bit more clear.

 

[Comeback Kid]

@Tommy Bedlam
The choose your own adventure route is risky. If pulled off right you can produce a promo that will be talked about for a while. Wrongly pull it off, and...well at least you had fun writing it, right?

I LOVED how you gave the reader background on Tommy and the moments in his life that shaped him into who is today (depending on the path you choose). Getting that backstory is always good in my opinion and it helped to make Tommy Bedlam a more 3D character that I was connected with. As I did my journey I found myself feeling bad for Tommy during the lows and getting excited when I choose the path that lead him to good fortune, etc.

You're putting a LOT of trust in the reader to follow through with multiple endings and deadends to get the promo that you want them to read and that is ballsy as fuck. You put some work into this promo and I admire the hell out of that. It took me FIVE ROUNDS to get the ultimate ending for Tommy but dammit I was determined to get where I needed to. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a great writer. As you can tell from my other comments you know I'm very hard on everyone when it comes to dialogue. I think that's one area where you could learn from Dubb, SS, Rawr, Krash, etc. That was one of the only parts where I was like "if he tightened this up and added a little emotion and expression from the characters providing dialogue this could be really good."

While it was a great story overall I feel like you kind of lacked enough match relevancy and focus on why you should overcome your opponent. Sure, depending on the path you choose, Tommy grew as a character but it left me little reason to come away and say oh Tommy should totally go over Michelle. It was hard to come away with that emotion due to the multiple different endings, etc - that's my only gripe with CYOA promos.

 

[Comeback Kid]

@Oz

I agree with your view on KPop and now I wonder if Chris Kennedy thinks about Josh Drake...the world may never know. 40/40.

 

[Comeback Kid]

@SupineSnake
I'm a massive fan of Ernest Hemmingway and quite enjoyed The Sun Also Rises so you immediately had me intrigued with that opening line. The promo was filled with allusion that was easy to spot but it wasn't done in a corny way. It seemed that MvH wasn't impressed with the cowboy or the bullfighter, but she was intrigued by the bull which was interesting to me. I wonder if you were trying to show how similar the two people were throughout the promo -especially once you got to the ending scene.

The contrast between the cowboy and the bullfighter was done really well and I found it interesting that while they were brawling and had the attention of the other girls, MvH was less than. Is that a metaphor for how she feels about the other participants in the Climaxxx?

You write MvH as such a dynamic character. You have such a grasp on writing her and her mannerisms and how she reacts to things. I think no one knows their character and how they would react in any situation better than you do. The writing in this promo was great, as usual, and once we reached the end I couldn't help but want to read more. It's a feeling I have after reading most MvH promos.

Bonus - this is how I pictured Alejandro.

 

[Mandalorian]

Just saying…if Trixie is officially the origin of the “Der Basterd” nickname, I want at least 20% of all revenue from Shawn Summers’ merch sales

PS…congrats on the win!

NO ONE buys Shawn Summers merch.

@Comeback Kid you’re smashing this with these reviews. Great work mate x

 

[Comeback Kid]

@Cyrus Truth
Your promos are always a good read for me, and this one was no different. You've crafted your writing style to be how you like it, and I can't even be mad at that. I would do my dialogue differently, but how you do it works because the extra details are always filled in around the dialogue - if that makes sense. I caught a couple of grammatical things, but it wasn't anything that took me out of the story (I love a good political thriller).

I will say that this promo felt more like a stepping stone in a bigger story and didn't really focus too much on the upcoming match or your opponent at all. We're seeing Cyrus Truth kind of evolve in life and move forward as a character, though, and that's always a huge plus. I'm a big fan of your work, and I'm predicting that we will see Cyrus Truth as the World Champion this year.

 

[SupineSnake]

@Comeback Kid

This was a really excellent piece of writing, with us returning to the German Summers alterago as he prepares to go to war in France, but this time in World War I. The setting of this promo was really well realised in all of the specific details surrounding the war: the buildup to it and the feeling of Summers and Trevor buying into the propaganda effort before enlistment, the gradual loss of innocence for Shawn and indeed Noah tha to runs through it, as well as the elements of battle itself, bringing to life a sense of barbarism. Relating the conflict to the recent Meltdown v Fallout angle was well done and creative. I liked that Summers' initial enthusiasm for the war eventually drains away as the promo progresses, and he realises he's not going to find heroism in the places he's looking. In reality, we got a feeling that Summers wasn't really engaging in the battle versus Meltdown through maybe apathy or perhaps his superiority complex. Here, though, we are led to believe that Shawn is held back by something resembling fear: a passive cowardice that hints at the fragility and vulnerability that we half-expect from the best Summers promo.

Obviously, as soon as I started reading a promo about German soldier Summers, the Der Basterd Carnal Contendership promo sprung immediately to mind, even if the conflict chosen for the setting was different. The dates and youth of the Shawn character had me thinking it was maybe a prequel of sorts, and although I'd sort of figured this out before the end I thought that reveal was supremely well done, with the girl - the Trixie Bordeaux stand-in - dubbing Summers with his moniker and then the post-credit epitaph making this association and the link to previous work clear. This was really creative and a nice return to the Der Basterd character from the previous abstract promo without doing a direct sequel, which is a trip a lot of his fallen into.

Speaking of Bordeaux, I did think for the majority of the promo that there wasn't a lot of focus directly on your opponent, but I was sort of willing to forgive a lot of that because it's a new character you're facing, and there was enough focus on Summers' position within the FWA - both historically and in the present - to make up for that. It also helped that this focus was done in a highly creative and non-direct way. The focus on the Bordeaux character comes at the very end, and I must say when Shawn sounds out the name of the city I smiled and thought pretty clever. Bordeaux having her brother looking out for her was a neat touch given the twitter sparring session you two have had. Bordeaux being responsible for Summers becoming Der Basterd was a nice touch in the promo's internal narrative, but I do question that within the wider context of the metaphor: Shawn has been a Basterd, even if not Der Basterd, for a while, long before Trixie came along, so that seemed to fit a little less well than what came before in the promo.

Presentation wise this promo felt a lot more solid than some of your older work, as though it's benefited from more or more thorough proof-reading. This was never really a weakness for you but I felt this aspect was stronger in this promo outside of a few spelling mistakes (previsions/provisions and riffle/rifle stood out to me, probably because they're technical terms relating to the setting). I'm also not a huge fan of italics for all non-dialogue, but I guess that's just a subjective thing. I do like to see italics used to emphasise certain words or passages, as this can be used to help the flow of the writing and add stress or dimensions to certain parts of the sentence. A more noticeable error was 'Brock' and 'Dave' fighting alongside Shawn in the Jailhouse Blues scene, when you'd expect them to be opposing him given they were on Meltdown. This was obvious only a small part of the promo, but was quite noticeable given how well thought out the rest of the piece was. I also noticed the tense used flitting between past and present quite a bit, which would have knocked a little off the presentation score also.

I didn't actually grade this promo but if I had I think I would've scored it very highly. It was an engaging and entertaining promo, very creative, well thought-out (mostly), and made good use of the chosen setting to highlight points about Summers in the FWA and his general character in an indirect way. Don't think this would have been out of place anywhere on the card. Top draw stuff and Vampyra going to have her work cut out for her to keep that championship at the upcoming pay-per-view.

Also, thank you for your reviews of my roleplay and quite a few others. It's much appreciated.

 

[Mandalorian]

@Comeback Kid

So SS did comment a lot on this and covered a lot of how I felt, but as someone who did grade this promo I just have to reiterate just how good this promo was. I too felt like it was an origin story of sorts and gave a great insight into how Shawn became the man he was and what some of his motivations are. He’s such a layered and complex character, with so many facets to him, but I can tell that you understand him completely. I think it is a credit to how well you know and write for the character that if I was tasked with writing a promo for Summers I’d almost not know where to start.

Summers has been such an intriguing and prominent on-screen presence since Lights Out and I think it’s clear that you’re having a blast writing for the character at the moment through your writing, which is great to see. I won’t go on and on about the promo as I fear I would find myself repeating what SS has said. Out of the promos I did grade for this cycle, I feel that this was one of the clear standouts, which is great to see. Really looking forward to seeing how you tackle the tag match up next.

Also, like SS said, you’re a king for these promo reviews as well. Thank you again for taking the time to comment on mine as well as everyone else’s.

 

[Mandalorian]

@Tommy Bedlam

So I wanted to give you a lot of credit for taking something like this on. These kind of promos are very difficult to conceive and pull off and despite the match result, I feel like you did pull off a successful CYOA promo here for Tommy Bedlam. I think you got the concept right whilst not making it too complicated, so it was easy to follow. Things made sense and having read all of the outcomes, I do feel like you’d clearly thought out the implications of each choice.

What I liked about this that for me helped it to stand out from other CYOA promos I’ve read is that it is fully grounded. It’s not a massive adventure or anything like that and the long term consequences of each choice being shown is a different approach to what I’ve seen before. I think we learned a good amount here about what makes Tommy tick.

The one area I think this promo fell slightly was in the last sections. I’d have preferred to get more of a traditional promo section than a match write up when it came to focusing on Michelle. I think that’s ultimately what stopped this promo getting the win in this one; the focus being slightly misplaced when it came to the opponent.

Overall though, you should be really happy with how this one came out. It is another in the long run of high-scoring promos that you’ve been putting out. Looking forward to seeing what comes next, partner!