KSL Presents: WrestleMania V
- Night 2 -
Live from the Maracanã - Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Segment: "Previously on WrestleMania..." - includes things that didn't even happen, like Moolah shagging Honky mid-match, Candido patching up an injury with a French fry, and Randy Orton straight up abandoning his team. Wait... that all happened? Huh.
Hardcore Championship Hardcore Rules - B.A.G. (c) (Juice) (with Team Al-QaeDAH) vs. Pentagon Jr. (Carter) (with Lince Dorado)
We open with this match! And we have a prayer mat, oriented towards Mecca, set up inside the ring so B.A.G. can have a 30 minute praying session. Penta is having none of it, though, and attacks him in the Halal wing of Catering! They're tossing properly-prepared meat at each other before they brawl to the ring! They pass by several faces who didn't make it on to the card. When the two make it, Hassan and Booker are already beating on Lince Dorado like he's some sort of toy. They lift him up for B.A.G. to hit an Allah Spear, a symbolic move and an insult to Penta by attacking his teammate. Penta flies off the handle and attacks Booker, near-snapping his arm (that's going to hurt for his match later...) before accosting Hassan. Then, B.A.G. returns to the fray and the match begins in earnest (even though it started 12 minutes ago). From there it's a mess of weapon-tossing and beating the shit out of each other until B.A.G. hits Penta with a Jackhammer on to a pile of steel chairs.
Winner: B.A.G. in 23:04. Rating: ****.
Green Light Elite (Kazuchika Okada/Cody Rhodes) (Juice/Juice) vs. Roman Reigns/Johnny Gargano (MG/Sass)
GLE looking to recover a bit of momentum after the debacle at Elimination Chamber, where they lost to two wrestlers who were at odds. A very even match... for about the first minute. Unfortunately, Okada gets wiped out on the outside by a Gargano Spike DDT on to a chair and Reigns uses Cody to make himself look strong. Spear after Spear after Spear... Following a good ten minutes of devastation, Cody - barely on his feet at this point - is finished off with a Guillotine Choke. After the finish, Reigns beats on Okada too, for good measure. How will GLE ever recover from this...?
Winner: Reigns/Gargano in 11:52. Rating: ***1/4.
Segment: Dungeon of Deezy Couples (Throuples?) Therapy. A bit of a joke segment full of innuendo. Yeti talks (grunts) about feeling inadequate, whilst Gonzalez insinuates that Yeti's bad in bed, and Loch Ness eyes up the snacks. Eventually the two of them agree to accept Yeti once again... if they can become 6-Man Tag Champs!
Six-Man Tag Team Championship - Random Team (Bully Ray/Baron Corbin/The Cat) (c) (EC/KIF/KIF) vs. The Dungeon of Deezy (Giant Gonzalez/Loch Ness/Yeti) (Deezy/Deezy/Deezy)
Dungeon of Deezy are fighting with a new rawly sexual vigour, and the bear hug humping almost finishes off the Cat until Yeti demands to be tagged in. He is tagged in... and just starts getting fucking destroyed. Sad, huh? From that point, Loch Ness and Gonzalez refuse to help him, and their opponents wreck him together and separately. Big Splash, Bubba Bomb, and End of Days in a row bring down the Yeti. After the match, Gonzalez and Loch Ness leave the arena not as a threesome... but as a twosome.
Winner: Random Team in 9:59. Rating: ***.
Tag Team Championship Tables, Ladders and Chairs - Ric Flair/Mr. Perfect (c) (Grim/Blaze) vs. Team Al-QaeDAH (King Booker/Muhammad Hassan) (Haza/Haza) (with B.A.G.) vs. #AntiWadeBarrett (Val Venis/Simon Miller) (Haza/Kamala)
#AntiWadeBarrett are largely absent from this match, with Hassan putting both of them through tables. Otherwise, until the final 10 minutes, this is basically a regular tornado tag team match. No weapons needed, just carnage with suplexes, scissors kicks, and knife edge chops galore. I wish I could say it was bloodless carnage, but it's a Ric Flair match so there's no way it's bloodless. When the steel chairs do finally get introduced, it's B.A.G. tossing a few into the ring, leaving them in a heap for his teammates to do as they wish... but Mr. Perfect hits a Perfect Plex on Hassan on to the chairs! The steel chairs giveth, and the steel chairs taketh away. Perfect stabilises a ladder for Flair to climb, but Booker attacks from behind and shoves Flair off the ladder, causing him to land on his side (because Ric Flair Does Not Take Back Bumps). Out of nowhere, while Mr. Perfect and Booker are brawling, Simon Miller slides into the ring and begins to climb the ladder! He's under the tag team titles, and reaching up... but Perfect notices, slinging Booker into the ladder and clattering Miller down... AND HERE'S WADE BARRETT! OUT OF NOWHERE! HE GIVES MILLER A TOP ROPE WASTELAND THROUGH A TABLE! Oh, and also Perfect nails Booker with a chair and climbs the ladder to retain. What a match.
Winner: Flair/Perfect in 27:01. Rating: *****.
Women's Championship - AJ Lee (c) (Smark) vs. Sasha Banks (Pace) vs. Britt Baker (Carter) vs. Tegan Nox (Steph)
Tegan Nox finds herself wiped out early and has to rest on the outside whilst AJ puts the offense in to Britt Baker and Sasha Banks. They do each get a few DDTs in on AJ, but they eventually realise they have to fight each other, and that's what lets the Women's Champ in. Eventually AJ has Britt in the Black Widow before Tegan recovers and hits a springboard crossbody on both of them to break the hold! Sasha staggers to her feet but eats a neckbreaker from Tegan! Britt recovers but takes a Codebreaker! And AJ falls victim to the Shiniest Wizard! Tegan Nox has reclaimed her title!
Winner: Tegan Nox in 16:18. Rating: ****1/8.
Buried in a Coffin - Team Impact Zone (Brian Knobbs/Lacey Von Erich/Orlando Jordan) (Sky/Sky/Sky) vs. Undertaker/Asuka/John Cena (Chris/Grim/Jimmy King)
Team Impact Zone quickly find themselves outmatched by these three titans of the wrestling scene. Asuka soon has Lacey in the Asuka Lock, shoving her into a coffin and chaining her in. Meanwhile, Taker is making a ragdoll out of Jordan (not in that way) whilst Knobbs and Cena are brawling. Asuka sets the coffin in the grave hole on the stage, and beckons Cena over. She opens the coffin... to allow Cena to AA Knobbs right in!! The two team up to shovel dirt on to the coffin as soon as possible. Eliminated: Lacey Von Erich at 6:18, Brian Knobbs at 6:18.
Now it's three-on-one. Orlando Jordan, however, is not going to go down without a fight (or consent). After breaking away from Taker, he grabs some dirt before engaging with Cena. Jordan throws and rubs the dirt into the eyes of the Leader of the Cenation, and the blinded Cena takes action. He picks up what he thinks is Jordan and AAs them into a coffin. Only a few minutes later does he realise he's eliminated his own teammate... and that's when he's been eliminated himself, as Jordan nails him with a shovel to the back of the head and buries both Cena and Asuka. Eliminated: Asuka at 14:08, John Cena at 14:08.
Taker begins to pursue Jordan, and they start to fight back into the ring. OJ hits Taker with superkicks, but he doesn't budge! Taker attempts to go for a Tombstone and end it... but Jordan bites Taker in his little zombie nuts! Whilst Taker's writhing in pain, OJ drags in one of three remaining coffins and runs through Taker with it, bowling him over. He puts Taker into the coffin, drags him again to the hole, then takes a shovel and digs and digs and digs... TAKER'S HAND SMASHES THROUGH THE COFFIN! But it doesn't matter, as he can't climb out before he's buried in dirt... Jordan collapses on his back, exhausted from a grueling effort. Eliminated: Undertaker at 24:39.
Winner: Team Impact Zone in 24:39. Rating: literal burial.
World Championship - Jeff Hardy (c) (Sass) vs. Chad Gable (Ingo)
It's the opportunity won at the Rumble! And it promises to be a truly great encounter, with Twist of Fates and German Suplexes galore. Hardy attempts to play to the crowd again and again, but Gable shuts him down. After a Whisper in the Wind and Twist of Fate, Hardy senses it's time to end it and starts to go for the Swanton. To the sound of screaming fangirls, he soars through the air... but Gable gets his knees up! Hardy's in serious pain on his back, having taken suplex after suplex and having missed that Swanton, and Gable has to take advantage... he's got the ankle! Ankle lock applied! And he turns it into a sort of ankle-twisting half crab, putting pain on the back as well as the leg. Eventually, Hardy can take no more and taps out! Gable is World Champion! He has proven that he is ready... willing... and Shorty G. Wait, no, not that. New champ!
Winner: Chad Gable in 29:20. Rating: ****3/4.
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Thank you for enjoying WrestleMania. Next updates may not be for some time, we've got stuff to work out.
