I’ll Never Have a Perfect Ending
I’ll Never Have a Perfect Ending
The invitation is clear. This is the spot. This is the location. This is where I am supposed to meet him. It doesn’t look like anywhere you’d want to have a formal first meeting, though. I mean … it is a cave. Literally … a cave. There are rocks stacked on top of one another with slivers of dirt in between – weeds of grass even growing from the dirt and in between the rocks in some spots.
It’s not very well kept together. It doesn’t look like anyone has given it care in decades. Maybe not in … about … 14 or 15 years, and the man standing before it couldn’t tell you exactly why that amount of time comes to mind. He couldn’t tell you.
But here he is – a saddened soul who lost his best friend only weeks ago – and searching for some sort of direction. He has a little bit of one, but that’s only due to the unselfishness of four new companions. They didn’t have to come join this man, XYZ, on my Magic School Bus, but they did.
They did, and there’s a thankfulness filling X’s heart.
But there are still questions and there’s still sadness. There’s still a longing for something to hold onto, and XYZ thinks the person behind this invitation – whoever they are – knows that.
But why did the invitation say to come here? Why this cave? Why a cave on an island in the middle of the ocean? And how did XYZ even get here? Does he remember?
My green cape tied around his neck flutters in the light breeze sliding by the cave opening. His curly hair distracts his eyesight for a moment, but a head and neck twist swoops the bangs back to the side.
“Should I go in?” XYZ mumbles under my breath. “Yes. Superheroes aren't scared! NOT OF ANYTHING!”
This charging-up of the energy and courage somehow works. XYZ usually can give himself courage, like a little kid trying to get himself psyched up to go inside a haunted house or watch a scary movie or go into school for the first day of the year.
A few steps forward brings XYZ from the light of day – light shining on a small island in the eastern side of the Pacific Ocean, near Hawaii – and into the darkness of the cave. It’s not a deep cave. There are maybe 10 yards of dirt before the back wall comes into view. The side walls of the cave’s interior are lit up enough from the sun’s light outside and shining through. The vermiculite rock and dirt crunching below his feet surely has asbestos in it.
Within a few seconds of taking in the scene, XYZ sees an unmistakable face leaning against the back wall.
“You came. I’m surprised.”
Sauce Man wears faded cargo shorts with a T-shirt with a big red tomato plastered on it. Otherwise, he looks nondescript, but everyone can identify that frail, skinny face.
“I always show up when asked. I always show up … when needed. That’s what heroes do.”
XYZ looks at Sauce Man from about a distance of 8 feet. He’s still leaning against the rock wall. XYZ stands upright.
“Did you ask me to come here?”
Sauce Man shakes his head at my question.
“He said, ‘I waaaant to staaaart a baaaand,’” Sauce Man says, trying his best to imitate the words of “The Rotten Gold” Devin Golden.
“A band?”
“A baaaand. He waaaants to staaaart a baaaand, but the woooorld won’t leeeet him staaaart a baaaand.”
“Why won’t the world let him start a band? This confuses me. This is a puzzle, and superheroes don't solve puzzles. Are you The Riddler? Call Batman.”
“Because he knoooows … that he can’t haaaave his peeeeerfect eeeeending.”
“I don’t know … why a band would … prevent him from …”
XYZ's response is interrupted by the impatient and impolite Sauce Man.
“He just knows. He has seen it all and done it all,” Sauce Man says, putting on ice his attempt to speak like Golden.
“What are you doing here then? Why would he ask for a hero and not be here to greet … a hero?”
“Because … well, I don’t know. He told me to come here, too.”
“Why’d he ask you to come? You’re not a superhero.”
“I AM A SUPERHERO! I AM SAUCE MAN!”
“Do you fight the darkness and carry the light of the stars?”
“No. I bring the sauce[/i] to the people. They need the sauce, and I deliver.”
“Doesn’t sound like an important superhero. It’s just sauce.”
“Whatever,” Sauce Man says, folding his arms across his chest. XYZ now notices Sauce Man is leaning on one of his legs and seems to be shaking the other one, showing signs of pain.
“He said I was … gooooing to plaaaay … the taaaambouriiiine,” Sauce Man says, bringing back the deranged speech.
“The tambourine? I do not know this instrument you speak of.”
“He said that’s aaaall I’m goooood for.”
While this seems like a putdown, Sauce Man is not offended. He smiles.
“I mean … I’m just a deliverer of sauce, not a musician.”
“What would I play?”
“He hasn’t … fiiiiigured that out. And it doooooesn’t matter, because sheeee never came. That’s why … heeee never … caaaame.”
“She? Who is she?”
“You know who.”
“No … no I don’t. Tell me now you Man of Sauce! Tell me now! We have a missing person situation!”
“Ha-haaaaaaaah!" Sauce Man shouts, again mimicking Golden. "He told me you'd be extravagant in your ... ways. Deep in your heart … you know who … because you and her … are the creations … of him.”
There's a mysterious aspect to this conversation. XYZ is pretty sure he knows who “he” is, but he’s not sure who “she” is. Even as a world-saving superhero and the person behind the name of XYZ that sends fear into the hearts of evil everywhere, he’s not a mind-reader.
Plus, XYZ is heartbroken, and he feels like Big Al would be a huge help figuring this out right now.
“Why’d the invitation say to come … alone? I have new friends. Sierra, Frank, Wild Jerry, and the guy with the video game. His name escapes me. Anyways, why couldn’t my posse come? My comrades?”
“He said ... it’d be … awkward.”
“Awkward? Why?”
Sauce Man simply shakes his head.
“Stop being coy! There’s a missing person.”
“Then go find him. But bring him back here. We have to start the band.”
As XYZ turns to leave the cave, he notices markings on one of the side walls. It’s cave markings written in English.
The first word is “Inches.” Then “a billboard outside an arena”. “Searching for the greatest promo ever”. “Is Boudreau really dead?” “Sunrise-Sunset”. “Civil war”. “Virtual reality in the Hall of Fame”. “The scrapbook”. “Visiting Matthew Robinson”. “Freaky Friday”. “Groundhog day”. “Goosebumps”. “Breaking Randy out of heaven with a musical”. “What If?” “An old man and his memories”.
And lastly, “I mean it when I say ‘Siempre’”.
There’s also no more room for any more carvings.
“What are these?”
“History.”
After XYZ mercifully leaves the cave, he scoots around the corner to his parked Magic School Bus. In this moment, as he casts his eyes on the beaten-down bus near the edge of a cliff, XYZ remembers that his new friends did not join him. XYZ does not go against requests or instructions, so he asked Sierra, Frank, the guy with the video game, and Wild Jerry to stay home – this time, at least.
Yet, when he enters the Magic School Bus, he is not alone.
XYZ quickly walks up the steps and towards the driver’s seat. He pretends to not notice the person sitting in the second seat behind the driver’s seat, but then XYZ quickly turns and lunges at the seated man while shouting.
“I CAST YOU TO THE EVIL LANDS OF MORDOR!”
XYZ’s attempt to tackle “The Rotten Gold” Devin Golden is futile, as the reigning FWA World Champion does what FWA World Champions don’t often do and smacks XYZ with his walking cane he does not need.
“I kneeeew … you would do thaaaat.”
XYZ holds his jaw.
“What do you want?”
“I want to go on one of your … adveeeentures … beeeefore I leeeeave this plaaaace.”
“Do I know you?”
“No. But I maaaade … you.”
“Yeah. Whatever. Why’d you invite me here?”
There’s no immediate answer. XYZ notices how Golden’s dressed: a black top hat sitting on his head; the black walking cane he doesn’t need to walk but apparently needs to smack people in the face; a black button-down collared shirt; and black slack pants with black dress shoes. This all goes with Golden’s 5 o’clock shadow.
“Why did you bring me there … in my state of sadness? With my broken heart? Why waste my time?”
“I waaaanted you to knoooow what you are liiiinked to. I waaaant you to seeeee it.”
“Those carvings? You wanted me to see that? I’m a busy superhero! I’m trying to bring the light of the stars to the …”
Golden interrupts me yet again.
“I waaaant to staaaart a baaaand … and I caaaan’t … because I haaaave to teeeeach. I always … haaaave … to teeeeach … someone … something.”
I want to ask about this band. Then I think to ask about Chris Peacock. But it’s like “The Rotten Gold” is reading my mind.
“Chris Peeeeacock … has been toooold … everything he neeeeeds … to be toooold. He will either evoooolve … or lose. If he evoooolves … if he leeeearns … then he will win. It is his tiiiime. It is his mooooment.
But soooometimes … people miiiiss their mooooments. Sooooometimes … people let their mooooments … pass them byyyy. Christoooopher did that … after the Wiiiinter Waaaasteland match. He haaaad a chaaaance. He haaaad … a mooooment.
So weeee … will seeeee … if he groooows … if he leeeearns.”
There’s a pause.
“This … is noooot aboooout … him.
It’s aboooout … meeeee.
I haaaad … a peeeerfeeeect … eeeeending. It was wriiiitten. It was ideeeeal.
But heeeere … I aaaam. Woooorld Chaaaampion. And … whaaaat moooore can be doooone or saaaaid?”
“Can you stop talking like that? This is taking too long and I have to leave to get back to earth.”
“We’re not on earth?”
“Oh, I forgot. It just doesn’t look like earth.”
“I’ve never left earth. Was hoping you’d take me somewhere. Can we go somewhere?”
“We’ll see.”
XYZ tries to move the conversation along to appease Golden, who doesn’t believe he’ll get his wish. That’s alright, though. It was a long shot.
“What is this perfect ending you seek? You’ve won.”
“A perfect ending isn’t a result of good versus evil. It is deeper than that.”
Golden stands up inside the Magic School Bus and twirls his cane within the narrow walkway between the rows of seats. He then rises from the seat and walks to the front of the Magic School Bus.
"I created ... this bus with ... a characteristic ... you may not have learned yet."
XYZ looks suspiciously at Golden as he sits in the driver's seat. He then points his right index finger to a tiny button positioned below the air conditioning knob, which is useless as the air conditioning is broken and has been for as long as X can remember.
"This button does ... what?"
"I've never touched it, because someone told me not to. I don't know who."
"Mmmm, right. Well ... better now than ever again."
When "The Rotten Gold" presses the button, the Magic School Bus begins to shake. It's a feature that XYZ has never experienced. Golden looks back at X and smiles. Suddenly, a sort of multicolored funnel appears in front of the bus and grows larger and larger with each moment, until the bus is consumed by this rainbow funnel.
"Let's go ... to 2013."
XYZ and "The Rotten Gold" Devin Golden -- along with the Magic School Bus -- suddenly zoom through a multicolored black hole of sorts, without the body-crunching pressure. They then appear on the other side and right in the middle of the massive crowd inside of Fight Night. It's late June of the year 2013. "The Golden One" takes a DDT from Stu "The Snake" St. Clair and gets pinned, ending the FWA Tag Team Championship match between Sunrise-Sunset and Vodka & Venom. It ended up being a handicap match when Ryan Rondo was injured and could not compete.
"This was ... the first time ... I could've had a perfect ending."
Golden, still inside of an apparently invisible Magic School Bus, watches through the front window as the 10-years-ago version of himself takes a curtain call and raises his hands into the air, signaling the end of something."
Golden watches the moment with a sense of fondness. He sees a version of himself that isn't jaded or selfish or mean or any of the things Chris Peacock and others call him. When he hears these characterizations from people, it slightly pierces Golden -- or, it once pierced him. It doesn't anymore.
No more are the opinions of others worth anything to him. Ryan Rondo's characterizations of his selfishness used to boil his blood. It no longer does. Cyrus Truth's words used to irk him. The recent monologue about Golden worming his way into the World title picture like only a worm would ... no longer gets to him. And Chris Peacock's opinion of him ... matters nothing.
"This was the last match Sunrise-Sunset ever fought, and in some ways, I thought this would be the last match of my career. It would've been perfect. I finally got the tag team run I always wanted. I felt fulfilled. I felt complete, in a way. However ... I still knew that I was at the top of my game. I could beat anyone. Plus ... we were better than Vodka & Venom."
Golden looks down at the little button below the air conditioner knob and presses it again.
"2015."
This time, the Magic School Bus appears in one of the more historic events ever. It's the Trial By Fire Pay-Per-View, featuring Ryan Rondo and "The Rotten Gold" Devin Golden. When Golden watches himself take the cutter from Rondo -- mercifully ending a dominating performance from the "Last Star in the Sky" -- his heart flutters. This is the first person for whom he was a teacher. This is the first time he felt this place -- this world living within all of our comatose minds -- called him to this calling, of being a teacher for others.
It's a calling he still upholds now, in 2023, on the eve of about to face Chris Peacock. When he re-watches this moment in 2015, he sees a version of a result of his teaching of Rondo. "The Last Star in the Sky" went on to unify the FWA World Championship and become the best in the entire world. He was the best.
“When I faced Ryan Rondo … in 2015 … that felt like the perfect ending. I ended a rivalry with my longtime rival and friend. I passed the torch. I called it a curtain in the way I felt was … perfect. Only it wasn’t perfect, because I left too early. I wasn’t tired. I wasn’t at the end of my rope. I wasn’t on the downswing. I had much more to give this place. This dream. This … coma world.
I had more story to tell. I wasn’t done here, and this place … this .. place … wasn’t done with me."
Golden presses the button once more.
"Where are we now?"
"2019."
It's a normal episode of Fight Night -- or so you'd think. Golden watches himself rise from the announcers table and enter the ring, which includes Cyrus Truth, Krash, Chris Kennedy, and Dave Sullivan all arguing about whether Cyrus and Krash should have a World Championship match.
Golden knows how this will end -- with a Bitter Sweet Chin Symphony from Kennedy and the inevitable return of Golden into his wrestling career.
"I still wanted the perfect ending. I returned here. I never planned to return, but I should've always known I would. I should've known I had something left, and all it took was one event. That's how ... weak it was."
Golden watches as the Bitter Sweet Chin Symphony connects with his chin -- sending the entire crowd into a frenzy of cheers, boos, and gasps. Golden looks back at this moment and wishes ...
it never happened. At least in a way. He wishes he never stepped back into the ring. He wishes he still had the perfect ending from 2015, because it's a perfect ending he is now chasing in 2023.
"Then ... from here on ... every moment … when I could have taken my final bow … after the Gang Stars beat Golden Rock … after Nova Diamond cashed in his briefcase … after Chris Peacock beat me at Back in Business … after Danny Toner defended the FWA World Championship by pinning me at the Anniversary Show … I felt there was a loose end. I felt there was something … itching at me. I felt it wasn’t quite perfect. … So I stayed. I kept looking for it."
Golden watches as the battle lines are drawn in the ring, leading to a 3-on-3 match that'd bring "The Golden One" out of retirement for a Back in Business match against a man who is no longer mentioned in the FWA. Golden defeated a stereotype, and now he's urging Chris Peacock not to be a stereotype himself. The world -- at least this world -- is circular, no matter how much you try to break free from the circle.
"And then I made a plan. I came back … one final time … for one final match. I would face Alyster Black in the Winter Wasteland match and that would be my ending. It would be emotional and painful and wrap everything up into a bow. It would have stakes far beyond and above my own ending, which just adds to my ending.
It was perfect.
But then …"
Golden pauses and smirks. He looks at XYZ, who is a few inches shorter than him. The Magic School Bus looks like it has trampled at least 50 people in their seats, but somehow it fits seamlessly and invisibly within the entire audience.
"Do I have to time travel us to the ending of that Fallout? I think we're good, right?
This world … is a funny place. I won. So … here I am. I’m thrilled to be World Champion, but I’m … feeling … a little bitter. I’m selfish. So now what?
I'm just searching for that perfect ending, and I'll never get it.”
"What if it ends at Back in Town? Would that be perfect?"
"It would not, but we don't get to choose our endings, do we?"
Golden presses the button one more time.
When the Magic School Bus passes through the multicolored funnel, they end back at the ledge of the Pacific Ocean island where they started. Golden stands up from the driver's seat and walks towards the exit door. XYZ watches him as the reigning FWA World Champion takes two steps down and puts his hand on the glass.
In XYZ's view, the best in the FWA right now seems small. He seems fragile. He seems vulnerable.
Golden turns back to look at XYZ.
"You'd think I'd have some power in choice, but this place ... keeps surprising you ... over and over and over. It never gets old. Maybe that's why I've stayed this long. Maybe that's why I am still here. I keep getting surprised, with twists and turns.
So I just have to accept ... that my ending won't be perfect. It's out of my hands. It's in Chris Peacock's hands. If he evolves, then I'm gone. If not, then it'll be someone else ... some other time."
“Keep winning. Win forever, right?”
“Win forever? Ha-HAAAAAAAAA!”
Golden smirks as he thinks about the suggestion.
“No one wins forever.”
XYZ doesn’t respond. Instead, he stays silent and just looks at Golden. It’s about 15 seconds of this silence, growing more awkward with each passing few seconds. Finally, Golden nods his head and walks towards the door.
When it opens, Golden steps out.
“No one lives forever, and there are no more spots on the cave.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I'll try, but I've cheated death enough times now that it's catching up to me eventually. And ... well ... I wanted to start a band ... before I left.”
"I don't even know how to play an instrument!"
Golden smirks and then even chuckles.
"I never wanted to start a band. I just wanted to teach ... someone ... anyone ... at least one more time."
XYZ nods, even though he still doesn’t quite know what Golden’s talking about.
"Why me then?"
"Because ... it matters what you do, so I wanted to teach you ... before I leave.
Maybe ... if anything more comes from me beating Alyster ... it's that I had time ... a little more time ... to have this with you."
The door opens for Golden and seconds later closes behind Golden, who disappears on this mysterious Pacific Ocean island and likely heads back to his cave. This leaves XYZ alone in the Magic School Bus with his thoughts and the fever-dream feeling of this entire experience, from Sauce Man in the cave to Golden in the bus.
“No one lives forever,” is what XYZ hears, except in his own voice, as he sits in the Magic School Bus chair, ready to fly off to wherever he’s needed next. In this moment, he thinks about the death of Big Al.
"No one lives forever," he mumbles to himself, "and no ending is perfect.
...
And that's OK. No ending is perfect, and that's OK."
XYZ oddly finds some comfort in this era of grief from this message, which is now drilled into his brain. He'll probably never see "The Rotten Gold" Devin Golden again, but like any good-hearted superhero, he hopes Golden is satisfied with his ending -- whenever it comes.