FWA Appeals to Audience on Enhancement Talent Cuts

[Mandalorian]

@ShakeMeltzer
In a highly unusual move, the Fantasy Wrestling Alliance is requesting input from its fan base to help determine which enhancement talent will be spared from the ongoing roster cuts.

The company has already announced 9 individuals who are safe and will remain with the company in a recent Tweet. It is understood that up to another three enhancement talents will remain with the company and it is rumoured that fan opinion will be used to help ascertain exactly who will survive the roster cuts.

From my understanding, the names at risk are;

The Zoo Keeper
Sensei John Mills
Spooder Man
Steve
Bob Bob Bob
Bubsy Malone
Michael Transactions
Dr. 5
Shoot Buckwinkle
Allen McNeal
OG Florida Men
Supear Saying
Craig
Shit Stain Dwayne
Lancelot Powers
Percy Slash
Oliver Jordan
Make Sheltzer
OMBHAUSEN
Big Bam Slam
Mr. Goal
Frankie Falcone
The Beardsman
Nate White
Kung-Fu Kyle
Rawrdlow*

*Deceased but not yet removed from FWA roster page. Will not be brought back.

OOC: That’s right, we’re doing a cull. Only THREE of the above names jobbers will survive and the rest will be condemned and never seen again (most have never been seen before anyway).

Everyone can vote for up to TWO of these fine specimens to save, with the three receiving the most votes living to fight another day. Please PM votes to me (Man) on Discord. If I don’t have you on Discord then on the forum is fine I guess…

You can vote for jobbers you have created and hey, if you want, your jobbers can even use this thread as a chance to make a plea as to why they should remain with the FWA. Whether people will actually be influenced by these is up to them.

The deadline for sending in your votes will be this Friday, 13 October 2023 at 8pm BST. Results will be revealed shortly after.

 

[Tommy Bedlam]

@OliverJordan
Hey, save me FWA fans. I do flips and stuff. Yea.

 

[Jimmy King]

@KungfuKarl
Everyone please save my sensei, Sensei Mills. I’m sending this on his behalf since he doesn’t have social media. Also, can anyone help us out of this dumpster, please?

 

[Jazz Wolf]

The following audio was uploaded to whatever Twitter is now called, at 2:12am this morning. It is understood that this was leaked from the answering machine of Jon Russnow by an unnamed intern. The official word is that Russnow 'didn't even notice there was a leaker' and is 'too busy teaching the window to stop disrespecting him to concern himself with his answering machine, whatever that is.' The transcript is as follows.

[AUDIO ID: WIND. TRAFFIC. THERE IS A SINGULAR VOICE, SPEAKING DIRECTLY INTO THE PHONE, IN A MANNER SUGGESTING THAT HE IS TREATING THE PAYPHONE AS MORE OF A DRIVE-THRU INTERCOM.]

???: Jon! Jon, Junior, Mr. Russnow! Hey, what's up bud, it's your pal Micheal! Michael Transactions, yeah, you remember your old friend Michael, don't you? Of course you do, you sign my paychecks, that's the sign of a valuable friendship.

[AUDIO ID: CRICKETS CHIRPING. A CLEARING OF THE THROAT.]

Michael Transactions: Listen, Jon, look, bud, I need a new Lamborghini. My old one, y'know, the one I got about... Four weeks ago? No, three weeks ago, four weeks ago was the red one, we're talking about the blue one. I was waiting for the red light to turn green, because for some reason some bigwigs get real pissy when I'm just trying to get to my next meeting in as little time as possible. I'm an important man, I got places to be, and these BOZOS-

[AUDIO ID: SIRENS IN THE DISTANCE. THE SOUND OF A POSTURE SHIFTING.]

Michael Transactions: Point being, while I was parked some hipster or equally dirty peon tried to scam MY HARD EARNED DOLLARS out of me by washing my windshield. By the time I told him to hit the bricks he had already touched my windscreen and gotten his below-middle-class fingerprints on the dashboard. Can you believe it? I can't drive this shit now. The market value plummeted the second that walking septic tank so much as breathed on it. This Lamborghini is fucking WORTHLESS NOW. I need a new one.

[AUDIO ID: MUFFLED RAP MUSIC PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE.]

Michael Transactions: You've been good to me, I've been good to you, we've had a pretty mutually beneficial relationship. You give me money, I do the whole wrestling thing, you give me more money and I throw in the DLC packs, it's a good thing we got going here. And look, I know I've got that nGw thing with the joystick kid and the japanese guy and the vegan and the other one to fall back on, but christ, Jon, Bell's checks bounce more than a fuckin' kangaroo. I can't rely on those to pay for my next fountain, let alone my next Lamborghini. And word on the net is, you're about to cut 80% of the Enchancement Service Talent to save some money. That's some good business, Jon, like I said to you, you gotta cut corners if you wanna make the money roll. Look at coins, they're circular, they don't have corners, so why should you? I knew I taught you well, I knew you were listening even if you were avoiding eye contact. But, uh... You seem to have forgotten that I'm on that Enhancement Service Talent list. Must've been one of those interns fuckin' up in the office, one of those humorous mistakes we'll all look back and laugh at, right? Ha-haaa.

[AUDIO ID: TEN SECONDS OF SILENCE.]

Michael Transactions: Jon, bud, we're two peas in a pod, so I know I can be honest with you - I need Lamborghini money. A lot of it. I'm down to six drive-able Lamborghinis, and there's seven days in the week, I can't have that, I'm Michael Fucking Transactions. So, what say when you cut the rest of those goobers, you keep me on board, and we keep our little deal going for a bit longer. You know the old saying, I scratch your back, you throw an exorbitant amount of money at me, I buy a fountain that pisses pure Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne into my mouth, and everyone's happy. Yeah? Yeah?

[AUDIO ID: DOGS BARKING NEARBY.]

Michael Transactions: Look, I get it, maybe you weren't too impressed with the whole DLC-moveset thing - It's not extortion, it's additional services for an additional fee - and that's why I didn't get booked all that much, but I'll make you a deal, keep my contract and I'll be willing to drop my DLC asking price by 10% for the next match you book me in. Ten percent! Do you know how much of a bargain that is? Fuck, I'm practically giving it away for free! You'd be a FUCKING MORON not to take that deal, and you're not one of those, Jon, so-

[AUDIO ID: KNOCKING ON A DOOR.]

Michael Transactions: YEAH ONE SECOND, ALRIGHT?!? HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES, MY MONEY'S GOOD FOR THIRTY MORE SECONDS, YOU WAIT YOUR GODAMNED TURN AN-

[AUDIO ID: MORE KNOCKING. MUFFLED SWEARING.]

Michael Transactions: FUCK YOU AND YOUR LOW CREDIT RATING. Look, Jon, you're my last quarter, all I got left are hundred dollar bills, and this payphone doesn't accept those. Just- just keep my name in your head, remember the pleasant feeling you get when you sign my paychecks, and repeat to yourself: Michael Transactions needs a new Lambor-

[AUDIO ID: DIAL TONE. END OF TRANSCRIPT.]

 

[Kim Jong Umb]

OMBHAUSEN & Rawrdlow bout to go on a tour of the indy tag scene that will make FTR jealous