No Smark Zone 3: Kaedon’s P25, Ultimate WWE Tourney, and Dispelling the myths of ECW
Welcome to the latest edition of The No Smark Zone. Today I am going to really piss some people off, but to be honest I don’t really care. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful that all of you read my column, but if I happen to ruffle someone’s feathers, so be it. Today I will debut my monthly Power 25 Ranking and I will also start the very long process of booking the ULTIMATE WWE TOURNAMENT! But first I’m going to get the fun stuff out of the way, I am going to bust all of the myths about everyone’s favorite hardcore promotion…E-C-W!
Now anyone who knows me, realizes that I am NOT a fan of ECW. I never was and I never will be. That doesn’t mean they didn’t have some great matches once in a while, but the more and more I listen to hardcore ECW fans talk about the promotion they love so much, the more and more I get disgusted by what they say. So, here and now, I am going to dispel all of the myths about ECW.
Myth 1: Without ECW guys like Steve Austin, Y2J, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, and Rey Mysterio would have never gotten as big as they are today.
This is an outright lie. And here is why. Between the names of the aforementioned wrestlers, how many of them were the ECW World Champion? Anyone? The answer, of course, is ZERO! How about world title shots? Off the top of my head, I can only recall Steve Austin getting a shot, and what happened? He lost to a guy who ANYONE could beat up in Mikey Whipwreck. The fact is, in ECW, the only guys who got the big push were NOT the actual good wrestlers that they had (because they had a lot) but it was the people who did all of the hardcore/high spot bullshit for the fans. Another great example is Little Guido aka Nunzio. He is, without a doubt, one of the most technically sound wrestlers I have ever seen and what did he get? A marginal tag title run. I challenge any ECW fan to find me ONE main event match that is on par with Flair/Steamboat, HBK/Bret, Angle/Benoit, or Bret/Piper. I am willing to bet the answer…ZERO! I have never seen an ECW PPV, TV show, or live show that wasn’t chock full or hardcore or high spots. Yeah, Tazz was a great wrestler, but how often could he have a great WRESTLING match in ECW, especially as the World Champ? Oh wait, I know, it was that great mat classic between Taz and Sandman right? The fact is, these guys were HUGE names over in Japan, and being exposed to 500 fans every few weeks isn’t going to show up on Ted Turners or Vince McMahon’s radar.
Myth 2: ECW revolutionized the wrestling industry. Without ECW, the WWE wouldn’t have become so “realistic” and the “Attitude Era” never would have occurred.
Another lie. The fact is that wrestling, just like movies, TV, books, and any other form of entertainment changes as the society changes. When the Romans were at the peak of their existence, they had pure athletic contests to entertain themselves. Then the society got a little more hardcore and they needed something a little rougher for entertainment. So what did they do? They dressed guys up in metal and said FIGHT. When that didn’t become enough, we all know what came next. The people relished in the misery of a person being thrown to lions. As the society changed, the entertainment changed. The same happened with wrestling. Back in its heyday, wrestling was a pure competition. Then, the society got bored with it, so something had to be changed. It became a staged event with the winner and the loser already being predetermined. When that wasn’t enough, little by little, showman acts were added. First two wrestlers who were so crazed that they couldn’t be contained in a ring were thrown into a cage. Then they began to bleed while they were in the cage. Chairs started getting used. Then more blood. All of these things built up over 50 or so years. Then, in the 80’s we started to see a bit of a crescendo. One of the first VERY GRAPHIC matches that ever took place in the states and that was shown to a nationwide audience was the “Dog Collar Match” between Rowdy Roddy Piper and Greg The Hammer Valentine. It was at the first ever PPV, Starrcade 1983. The match was beyond brutal. Even by today’s standards, people would say “man that’s fucked up.” Especially when Valentine took part of Piper’s ear off (causing Roddy to lose almost all of the hearing in his left ear). Over in Japan (or as I call it, “The Land Of The Stiffs”) they were doing some crazy insane things. Exploding rings, barbed wire, electricity, etc. In 1989, one of the first, if not the first, electrified steel cage match took place in the NWA. It was at the then annual even Halloween Havoc. Sting and Ric Flair (with Ole Anderson) defeated Terry Funk and The Great Muta with the legendary Bruno Sammartino as the special guest referee. These matches all took place BEFORE ECW, and got WAY MORE EXPOSURE than any match in ECW.
Then we have “real” storylines.
People who are hardcore into ECW seem to forget that “reality” had been used in wrestling LONG before ECW was even a gleam in the eye of Dr. Frankenstein, Paul Heyman. How about when the WWE decided to use the REAL LIFE WIFE of Jake The Snake Roberts, Cheryl, in a storyline. That wasn’t real or anything right? Want shoot promos? Look no further than the greatest mic worker in the history of wrestling, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Pipers Pit. His very first Pit was him basically ripping on some no named wrestler, off the cuff and totally unrehearsed. Tell me, what got more exposure, Pipers Pit or the oh so “realistic” Raven being “crucified”? Or how about Tommy Dreamer acting like he was being initiated into a fraternity. (“Thank you sir, may I have another?”) Or the best, Sandman and his kid. Oh so when ECW does it, its great, but when the WWE use a kid to keep two wrestlers together who can actually wrestle, unlike that piece of shit the Sandman and Dreamer was it? It doesn’t matter because they both suck.
Myth 3: Without ECW, the WCW Cruiserweight and WWE Light heavyweight (later changed to the Cruiserweight) divisions wouldn’t have existed and smaller guys wouldn’t have “gotten over”.
COMPLETELY false. People act like before ECW smaller wrestlers never existed. Ric Flair, Terry Funk, Roddy Piper, Ted Dibiasie, Randy Savage, Mr. Perfect, Ricky Steamboat, Bret Hart, Tito Santana, need I go on? All of these people are Hall Of Famers or on the way to being so and NONE OF THEM were nearly as big as Hulk Hogan, Andre The Giant, Superstar Billy Grahm, and so many others but they were still HUGE stars.
And how about them cruiserweights? I guess a lot of people forget this, WCW had a light heavyweight division LONG BEFORE ECW WAS IN EXISTANCE! And who was the first champion of that division? The late, great, Brian Pillman. Pillman brought so much attention to the lightweights it’s recockulous. He had amazing matches with Jushin Thunder Leiger and then moved up to the big time with one of the hottest stars of the time Lex Luger. Hell, the founder of ECW even said Brain Pillman brought the luchadore style in way before ECW did. Watch the “Loose Cannon” DVD, he says Pillman was “wrestling with a 1994 or 1995 wrestling style” back in 1988 and 1989.
I’m sure these are sure to stir up a lot of controversy, but as Eric Bischoff says “controversy creates cash.”
This next piece is something that is going to take a very long while to unravel. I guess you could say its like Steven Colbert’s “Better Know A District” series. What I have here is an ultimate WWE Fantasy Tournament. Why am I doing it? Because I love tournaments and because I am looking to stir up some talk about “what would happen if he took on him.” I realize I may have left out some of your favorites, but this is what I came up with at the time so this is what we shall go with. As you can see, we have four brackets, the International bracket, the Intercontinental Champions bracket, the WWE/World Champions bracket, and the Legends/Legends in the Making bracket. Now, and I hate to use this word, this will be done from a K.A.Y.F.A.B.E. perspective. This is completely for fun and just to go “hmmmm what if?” Got it? When all is said and done, we will determine the Ultimate WWE Superstar (if any of you just groaned and said “yeah right” stop reading because you have no fucking imagination!!)
First up we go to the International bracket. We have a true clash of styles in our first match up as 5 time WWE Champion from north of the border Bret “Hitman” Hart takes on 2 time WCW Cruiserweight Champion from south of the border, Psicosis! Can Psicosis pull off the biggest upset of his life? Or will the Hitman take out the budding car thief? Lets find out!
Psicosis jumps Bret Hart as the Hitman is giving out his glasses to a young fan. Psicosis nails Bret with a summersault senton laying him out in front of his young fan. After a few straight lefts to the head, the psycho one throws him back into the ring. Psicosis ascends the ropes and tries a cross body block but the Hitman scores with the dropkick to the midsection. Bret Hart takes over now by kicking the inside of Psicosis’ knee. We all know what he’s doing. Bret picks up his opponent and sets him up in the corner. Bret sets up Psicosis’ knee on the rope and starts kicking it over and over. The ref gives him the 5 count and Bret backs off. Bret charges back in and Psicosis jumps to the second rope and hits a sunset flip, 1…..2…..kickout. This angers the Hitman who continues stomping on Psicosis’ knee. Bret rolls him to his stomach, grabs his leg, lifts it up, and DRIVES his knee into the mat. Hart is showing his younger, smaller opponent how he learned to wrestle in the dungeon. Bret locks in a spinning toe hold but Psicosis grabs his head and rolls him up. 1……………..2…………kickout. Bret gets a lot madder now. He goes for a leg drop but Psicosis moves. Bret tries again and gets the same result. Bret then fakes a leg drop, this time when Psicosis moves, Bret drops an elbow straight into his head. Bret picks up Psicosis and drops him down in a shin buster. Psicosis screams out in agony. Psicosis is pulled back up on one leg. Bret goes for a single leg trip but Psicosis nails an insaguri. Psicosis starts pounding on the mat to try and get fired up. He pulls himself up on one leg and Bret charges but Psicosis ducks and sends the Hitman out to the floor. Psicosis hobbles into position and launches himself over in a plancha, dropping he and Bret Hart. Bret is dazed as the psycho one pulls himself back into the ring. The ref counts up to 8 but Bret makes it back in. Psicosis hobbles and bounces off the ropes, giving Bret a straight dropkick to the face. The Hitman grabs his nose as it’s bleeding all over the mat. Psicosis, picks up Bret and signals for his trademark “brainbuster” suplex. Psicosis picks up Bret but his knee gives way and Bret falls on his feet. Bret hits a side Russian leg sweep. Bret then lays out Psicosis with his patented backbreaker. Bret signals to the crowd and goes to the second rope and drops the elbow but Psicosis moves! He covers Bret but only gets a 2. He picks up Bret and sends him into the ropes but Bret reverses it. Bret goes for a clothesline but misses. Psicosis comes back and hits a hurricanrana and hooks the leg. 1………………..2……………..no. Psicosis gets up and tries for a springboard dropkick but Bret catches him and locks on the sharpshooter! Bret wrenches back HARD and Psicosis finally taps!
Bret Hart is the first man to advance in the WWE Fantasy Tournament. Next week, we will have one of the biggest fantasy match ups to date as the immortal Hulk Hogan takes on The Animal Batista! Who will win in this battle of the titans? Tune in next week and find out!
Now before I leave I want to tune you in to a new monthly feature. Now some may call me a hack for this, however I am going to introduce the No Smark Zone Power 25. Unlike the WWE’s Power 25 mine will not be updated weekly. This is because I find a week isn’t really enough to take someone and move them that much. I mean say Cena loses the WWE Title, that would drop him a few spots, justifiably, however I don’t just take wins and losses into account. I take appearances on TV, impact on the show, and a lot of other things into account. So without further adieu, here is the No Smark Zone Power 25 for April 2007! (It should be noted rankings do NOT INCLUDE this week’s Raw)
25. The Miz
As much as it PAINS me to do this, I have to put the Miz on this month. I really, REALLY hate the guy, but I will admit him playing a prank on Batista was really funny. What was even funnier was when Batista laid his scrawny ass out! Lets face it, the guy has his own TV show (I think) and owns a victory over the greatest technical wrestler in the history of the WWE, Chris Benoit. For now, he’s in the top 25 stars in the WWE.
24. Elijah Burke
Another guy I don’t particularly like, but I feel deserves some credit. Sure, in the past month, he has only been on the winning side of a match ONCE, however its not all about that. He has been doing GREAT as the mouthpiece for the New Breed over on ECW. Also, he has had some fantastic matches with RVD and his performance just last week in the extreme rules 8 man tag was enough to solidify him a spot on the Power 25.
23. Snitsky
This guy is a freak. Seriously, he is a monster. The guy has been running through opponent after opponent and looking completely unstoppable. Sure, he looks just like a wannabe Kane with bad back acne, but you still have to admit, he looks rather impressive doing it, despite the fact that the guy has a BIG BOOT AS A FUCKING FINISHER!! Not to worry, the guy will be gone soon, but for now, he’s on the list.
22. Ric Flair
Much like a lot of other people, including Natch himself, I was really mad Ric Flair was left off of Wrestlemania. I mean really, he is probably one of the top 5 most well known guys in the locker room, and he wasn’t even on the fucking card? Are you kidding me? I mean, look, I can understand that you need to make room. But with an 8 man Money In The Bank Match, and a 3 minute WWE Women’s Title Match, you could have had a tag match on the card. But whatever, Flair has been on a role since getting this new tag partner Carlito, and I for one LOVED when he was kicking Carlito in the pants and lighting a fire under his ass.
21. Chavo Guerrero
The man who ended the reign of the longest reining champion on SD in however many years. Sure, now he’s teaming with the guy and losing, but whatever. He’s still the CW champion.
20. Finlay
This man really impressed me in Money In The Bank. I thought he was going to be the weak link, but man, he really added some good stuff to the match. I particularly loved his Cletic Cross on the ladder. Even though he lost there, he is, and always has been, a vital part of the SD roster. Yeah, he might not be the biggest star on the show, but he helps people learn and he helps the show have quality matches. Also add to the fact that he is only the 3rd man to have a victory over Mr. Money In The Bank and you’ve got a recepie for getting on the Power 25.
19. Carlito
See Ric Flair. No really, its really the same thing. Why was one of the WWE’s biggest rising stars left off the show? Is he in “the doghouse”? Well I don’t believe in that bullshit you read on the net, so I will just chalk it up to them not having anything for him to do.
18. Kane
Ok, yes, I know he lost at Wrestlemania but up until that he had a really good big man feud going with the Great Waste Of TV Time, I mean Khali. I would get really excited when he would come out with his meathook. I was very disappointed that he really didn’t get to use it at Mania. I was even more disappointed when he fucking lost, but that’s neither here, nor there. I also liked the fact that he dominated the New Bloods this past week on SD.
17. The Great Khali
Ugh mommy, do I really have to put him on here? Yes, in fact I do. He is another guy like Snitsky. The guy just runs through EVERYONE, including the big red blueberry Kane. (Don’t tell Kane I called him a blueberry, he might shove that meathook up my ass.) He had a good match (or as good as it could have been) at Mania and he has been on an awesome streak going into it, so he deserves a spot.
16. King Booker
The king is dead! Man what a performance at Mania! A Book End off a ladder is the LAST thing I was expecting from this man. And, just like Finlay, I really wasn’t expecting much from him in the match either. I also liked how they set up the pseudo-semi-quazi turn between him and Sharmell. But the best thing I like about Booker this month is when he attacked Taker out of nowhere. That takes balls. Sure it “broke his neck” but it still takes balls, and it caught me off guard, which is always good.
15. MVP
Perhaps the most annoying person on WWE television today. I mean really, whenever this guy is on screen, I want to punch him in his face. But he did have an impressive “win streak” against “great wrestlers” from all over the world. No ok it wasn’t that impressive, but it was damn funny! And I like a guy who can make me laugh.
14. Umaga
Anyone who knows me knows I am a big fan of this guy. I love Umaga, I always have, and I always will. I think the guy makes just an amazing big man heel and unlike Snitsky and Khali, the guy can actually back it up. His matches always have one or 2 big moves that just make you go HOLY SHIT, even if its only that toss up Samoan Drop. If you can do that on a man who is 300lbs of SOLID FUCK MUSCLE, you have something special.
13. Edge
The former MITB winner went into Mania with as much, if not more momentum, than anyone else. A lot of people placed him in the “top 3” in the running to win the MITB match. I knew it wasn’t going to happen but then again, I have Karnack on speed dial. Unfortunately, Edge suffered a jaw injury, which I would believe due to the fact that he was pulled off of every house show before Mania and didn’t really wrestle at all before Mania. And how did he get around this? He found humorous ways to get out of it. Really, the guy, like MVP makes me laugh in spite of myself, and that makes a good heel.
12. Randy Orton
Boy if ever there was a guy people loved to hate, it’s Randy Orton. I know some people might not think he should be placed so high since on the way to Mania he was used as a foil to Lashley and only one once, if I’m not mistaken. However, and you can dispute this if you want, the match would NOT have been as good without him. You could have thrown Benoit in the match, and it would have been as good. And it was all for one reason, Orton was the X-Factor. A lot of people picked Kennedy to win MITB, with good reason. However Orton was a close second. A lot of people even predicted Orton and Edge to BOTH win the case and then fight over it on Raw. Do you think there would have been so much conjecture over the MITB match had he not been in it?
11. CM Punk
Another guy who had just an amazing showing at MITB. I know a lot of smarks would have picked him to win it, but its not his time yet. He’s still VERY green and small guys don’t go over as well as big guys when they are green. In all honesty, if you put Punk next to me, it looks like I could kick his ass because I’m 6ft 280. But I know his time will come soon. But on the way in and on the way out of Mania, he has racked up some impressive wins all while fielding offers from The New Breed and the ECW Originals. He’s the hottest commodity in ECW right now, and that’s why he gets number 11 on the P25.
10. Melina
What can I say? She’s fucking hot. She’s the WWE Women’s Champion. After some less than phenomenal build up for her match, she disposed of the cover girl in 3 minutes. Right now, she is the big bitch on the block.
9. RVD
Talk about a guy who is flying high, PUN INTENDED!!! This guy has been on a big time roll. He’s won matches pretty much for the past month and a half. He’s had some phenomenal ones with the New Breeder Elijah Burke. Also, he got the win for the ECW Originals at Mania. Lets face it, he’s the man!
8. Chris Benoit
Ok, so Benoit would be higher if that little WORM Miz didn’t beat him this past week. Benoit had a really good (not great) match with MVP at Mania and made it as good as it could have been with the lack of build up. It was mostly MVP talking and Benoit kicking ass with not so much interaction. But he’s still the US Champ, thought it might not last for long, and that’s good enough for me.
7. HBK
What a match he had at Mania huh folks? Some people even rated it higher than MITB and the Taker/Batista Match. I don’t know if I would go THAT far but man it was good. HBK was in rare form on that night and I will say on the way up, I enjoyed the antics of he and Cena. He would have been a LOT higher and he not cost his team the tag straps, but I will say I was genuinely shocked when it happened.
6. Batista
The Animal of the WWE comes in at number 6 this month. He was booked to look invincible up until Mania when the deadman kicked his ass and neutered the Animal. But Batista had the greatest feud, and the greatest match of his short 3-4 year career. So even though he lost, he is still looking impressive.
5. The Hardy Boyz
What can I say? The greatest team of the 1990’s has been reformed. Not only have they been reformed, they have won the World Tag Team Titles! As soon as they came out on Raw, I knew they had it. I didn’t know HOW it was gonna happen, but I knew it was their night. They both also did really well, despite losing at MITB. And yeah, that Jeff Hardy Spot was sick.
4. John Cena
And now we come to the golden boy of the WWE and of the internet. What can I say? He’s the champ and he has put on some seriously good matches as of late. I know im going kinda far back, but both of his matches earlier in the year with Umaga were fucking awesome. Then of course we have his epic battle with HBK in between that, we have the opponents winning the tag team titles from Rated RKO. All in all, Cena deserves this spot, despite what the smarks say.
3. Bobby Lashley
The other ANIMAL of the WWE. The guy is a genetic freak and is just UNSTOPPABLE! Lets go back to when he had a steel cage match with Hardcore Holly. We were expecting at least a little blood. But what did we get? The man PROPELLS HIMSELF THROUGH THE CAGE TO THE FLOOR! What the fuck was that? That’s dedication, I don’t care how much of a “meathead” he looks like. I don’t care what anyone says, the guy is impressive. My favorite match of his, outside of his Mania match (which was just stellar) was his handicapped tables match on Smackdown. The only loss he has since winning the damn ECW Title was when Vince beat him right? Or did Test or RVD get a DQ win over him? Bottom line, the guy is the 3rd best star in the WWE today.
2. Ken Kennedy
And now we come Mr. Friday Night, Mr. Money In The Bank, and now we come to…MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KENNEDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Yeah I know its annoying, but I cant help myself. Talk about a guy who is on a roll?! He quietly won matches against the Hardy Boyz and CM Punk and Edge (all in tag matches of course). And now he is on his way to becoming a true main event star.
1. The Undertaker
The Deadman comes in at number one this month. He successfully held up his winning streak and for the FIRST TIME has won the same title as Harley Race, Ric Flair, Sting, and Hulk Hogan. He also gave Batista his best feud ever in his career along with his best match ever so the Deadman is NUMBER ONE this month!
Well thats it for the 3rd installment of the No Smark Zone. I want to thank all of you for reading and leaving responses! I will be back next week with some more suprises and Match 2, along with a bracket hopefully, of the Fantasy Tournament!
Welcome to the latest edition of The No Smark Zone. Today I am going to really piss some people off, but to be honest I don’t really care. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful that all of you read my column, but if I happen to ruffle someone’s feathers, so be it. Today I will debut my monthly Power 25 Ranking and I will also start the very long process of booking the ULTIMATE WWE TOURNAMENT! But first I’m going to get the fun stuff out of the way, I am going to bust all of the myths about everyone’s favorite hardcore promotion…E-C-W!
Now anyone who knows me, realizes that I am NOT a fan of ECW. I never was and I never will be. That doesn’t mean they didn’t have some great matches once in a while, but the more and more I listen to hardcore ECW fans talk about the promotion they love so much, the more and more I get disgusted by what they say. So, here and now, I am going to dispel all of the myths about ECW.
Myth 1: Without ECW guys like Steve Austin, Y2J, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, and Rey Mysterio would have never gotten as big as they are today.
This is an outright lie. And here is why. Between the names of the aforementioned wrestlers, how many of them were the ECW World Champion? Anyone? The answer, of course, is ZERO! How about world title shots? Off the top of my head, I can only recall Steve Austin getting a shot, and what happened? He lost to a guy who ANYONE could beat up in Mikey Whipwreck. The fact is, in ECW, the only guys who got the big push were NOT the actual good wrestlers that they had (because they had a lot) but it was the people who did all of the hardcore/high spot bullshit for the fans. Another great example is Little Guido aka Nunzio. He is, without a doubt, one of the most technically sound wrestlers I have ever seen and what did he get? A marginal tag title run. I challenge any ECW fan to find me ONE main event match that is on par with Flair/Steamboat, HBK/Bret, Angle/Benoit, or Bret/Piper. I am willing to bet the answer…ZERO! I have never seen an ECW PPV, TV show, or live show that wasn’t chock full or hardcore or high spots. Yeah, Tazz was a great wrestler, but how often could he have a great WRESTLING match in ECW, especially as the World Champ? Oh wait, I know, it was that great mat classic between Taz and Sandman right? The fact is, these guys were HUGE names over in Japan, and being exposed to 500 fans every few weeks isn’t going to show up on Ted Turners or Vince McMahon’s radar.
Myth 2: ECW revolutionized the wrestling industry. Without ECW, the WWE wouldn’t have become so “realistic” and the “Attitude Era” never would have occurred.
Another lie. The fact is that wrestling, just like movies, TV, books, and any other form of entertainment changes as the society changes. When the Romans were at the peak of their existence, they had pure athletic contests to entertain themselves. Then the society got a little more hardcore and they needed something a little rougher for entertainment. So what did they do? They dressed guys up in metal and said FIGHT. When that didn’t become enough, we all know what came next. The people relished in the misery of a person being thrown to lions. As the society changed, the entertainment changed. The same happened with wrestling. Back in its heyday, wrestling was a pure competition. Then, the society got bored with it, so something had to be changed. It became a staged event with the winner and the loser already being predetermined. When that wasn’t enough, little by little, showman acts were added. First two wrestlers who were so crazed that they couldn’t be contained in a ring were thrown into a cage. Then they began to bleed while they were in the cage. Chairs started getting used. Then more blood. All of these things built up over 50 or so years. Then, in the 80’s we started to see a bit of a crescendo. One of the first VERY GRAPHIC matches that ever took place in the states and that was shown to a nationwide audience was the “Dog Collar Match” between Rowdy Roddy Piper and Greg The Hammer Valentine. It was at the first ever PPV, Starrcade 1983. The match was beyond brutal. Even by today’s standards, people would say “man that’s fucked up.” Especially when Valentine took part of Piper’s ear off (causing Roddy to lose almost all of the hearing in his left ear). Over in Japan (or as I call it, “The Land Of The Stiffs”) they were doing some crazy insane things. Exploding rings, barbed wire, electricity, etc. In 1989, one of the first, if not the first, electrified steel cage match took place in the NWA. It was at the then annual even Halloween Havoc. Sting and Ric Flair (with Ole Anderson) defeated Terry Funk and The Great Muta with the legendary Bruno Sammartino as the special guest referee. These matches all took place BEFORE ECW, and got WAY MORE EXPOSURE than any match in ECW.
Then we have “real” storylines.
People who are hardcore into ECW seem to forget that “reality” had been used in wrestling LONG before ECW was even a gleam in the eye of Dr. Frankenstein, Paul Heyman. How about when the WWE decided to use the REAL LIFE WIFE of Jake The Snake Roberts, Cheryl, in a storyline. That wasn’t real or anything right? Want shoot promos? Look no further than the greatest mic worker in the history of wrestling, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Pipers Pit. His very first Pit was him basically ripping on some no named wrestler, off the cuff and totally unrehearsed. Tell me, what got more exposure, Pipers Pit or the oh so “realistic” Raven being “crucified”? Or how about Tommy Dreamer acting like he was being initiated into a fraternity. (“Thank you sir, may I have another?”) Or the best, Sandman and his kid. Oh so when ECW does it, its great, but when the WWE use a kid to keep two wrestlers together who can actually wrestle, unlike that piece of shit the Sandman and Dreamer was it? It doesn’t matter because they both suck.
Myth 3: Without ECW, the WCW Cruiserweight and WWE Light heavyweight (later changed to the Cruiserweight) divisions wouldn’t have existed and smaller guys wouldn’t have “gotten over”.
COMPLETELY false. People act like before ECW smaller wrestlers never existed. Ric Flair, Terry Funk, Roddy Piper, Ted Dibiasie, Randy Savage, Mr. Perfect, Ricky Steamboat, Bret Hart, Tito Santana, need I go on? All of these people are Hall Of Famers or on the way to being so and NONE OF THEM were nearly as big as Hulk Hogan, Andre The Giant, Superstar Billy Grahm, and so many others but they were still HUGE stars.
And how about them cruiserweights? I guess a lot of people forget this, WCW had a light heavyweight division LONG BEFORE ECW WAS IN EXISTANCE! And who was the first champion of that division? The late, great, Brian Pillman. Pillman brought so much attention to the lightweights it’s recockulous. He had amazing matches with Jushin Thunder Leiger and then moved up to the big time with one of the hottest stars of the time Lex Luger. Hell, the founder of ECW even said Brain Pillman brought the luchadore style in way before ECW did. Watch the “Loose Cannon” DVD, he says Pillman was “wrestling with a 1994 or 1995 wrestling style” back in 1988 and 1989.
I’m sure these are sure to stir up a lot of controversy, but as Eric Bischoff says “controversy creates cash.”
This next piece is something that is going to take a very long while to unravel. I guess you could say its like Steven Colbert’s “Better Know A District” series. What I have here is an ultimate WWE Fantasy Tournament. Why am I doing it? Because I love tournaments and because I am looking to stir up some talk about “what would happen if he took on him.” I realize I may have left out some of your favorites, but this is what I came up with at the time so this is what we shall go with. As you can see, we have four brackets, the International bracket, the Intercontinental Champions bracket, the WWE/World Champions bracket, and the Legends/Legends in the Making bracket. Now, and I hate to use this word, this will be done from a K.A.Y.F.A.B.E. perspective. This is completely for fun and just to go “hmmmm what if?” Got it? When all is said and done, we will determine the Ultimate WWE Superstar (if any of you just groaned and said “yeah right” stop reading because you have no fucking imagination!!)
First up we go to the International bracket. We have a true clash of styles in our first match up as 5 time WWE Champion from north of the border Bret “Hitman” Hart takes on 2 time WCW Cruiserweight Champion from south of the border, Psicosis! Can Psicosis pull off the biggest upset of his life? Or will the Hitman take out the budding car thief? Lets find out!
Psicosis jumps Bret Hart as the Hitman is giving out his glasses to a young fan. Psicosis nails Bret with a summersault senton laying him out in front of his young fan. After a few straight lefts to the head, the psycho one throws him back into the ring. Psicosis ascends the ropes and tries a cross body block but the Hitman scores with the dropkick to the midsection. Bret Hart takes over now by kicking the inside of Psicosis’ knee. We all know what he’s doing. Bret picks up his opponent and sets him up in the corner. Bret sets up Psicosis’ knee on the rope and starts kicking it over and over. The ref gives him the 5 count and Bret backs off. Bret charges back in and Psicosis jumps to the second rope and hits a sunset flip, 1…..2…..kickout. This angers the Hitman who continues stomping on Psicosis’ knee. Bret rolls him to his stomach, grabs his leg, lifts it up, and DRIVES his knee into the mat. Hart is showing his younger, smaller opponent how he learned to wrestle in the dungeon. Bret locks in a spinning toe hold but Psicosis grabs his head and rolls him up. 1……………..2…………kickout. Bret gets a lot madder now. He goes for a leg drop but Psicosis moves. Bret tries again and gets the same result. Bret then fakes a leg drop, this time when Psicosis moves, Bret drops an elbow straight into his head. Bret picks up Psicosis and drops him down in a shin buster. Psicosis screams out in agony. Psicosis is pulled back up on one leg. Bret goes for a single leg trip but Psicosis nails an insaguri. Psicosis starts pounding on the mat to try and get fired up. He pulls himself up on one leg and Bret charges but Psicosis ducks and sends the Hitman out to the floor. Psicosis hobbles into position and launches himself over in a plancha, dropping he and Bret Hart. Bret is dazed as the psycho one pulls himself back into the ring. The ref counts up to 8 but Bret makes it back in. Psicosis hobbles and bounces off the ropes, giving Bret a straight dropkick to the face. The Hitman grabs his nose as it’s bleeding all over the mat. Psicosis, picks up Bret and signals for his trademark “brainbuster” suplex. Psicosis picks up Bret but his knee gives way and Bret falls on his feet. Bret hits a side Russian leg sweep. Bret then lays out Psicosis with his patented backbreaker. Bret signals to the crowd and goes to the second rope and drops the elbow but Psicosis moves! He covers Bret but only gets a 2. He picks up Bret and sends him into the ropes but Bret reverses it. Bret goes for a clothesline but misses. Psicosis comes back and hits a hurricanrana and hooks the leg. 1………………..2……………..no. Psicosis gets up and tries for a springboard dropkick but Bret catches him and locks on the sharpshooter! Bret wrenches back HARD and Psicosis finally taps!
Bret Hart is the first man to advance in the WWE Fantasy Tournament. Next week, we will have one of the biggest fantasy match ups to date as the immortal Hulk Hogan takes on The Animal Batista! Who will win in this battle of the titans? Tune in next week and find out!
Now before I leave I want to tune you in to a new monthly feature. Now some may call me a hack for this, however I am going to introduce the No Smark Zone Power 25. Unlike the WWE’s Power 25 mine will not be updated weekly. This is because I find a week isn’t really enough to take someone and move them that much. I mean say Cena loses the WWE Title, that would drop him a few spots, justifiably, however I don’t just take wins and losses into account. I take appearances on TV, impact on the show, and a lot of other things into account. So without further adieu, here is the No Smark Zone Power 25 for April 2007! (It should be noted rankings do NOT INCLUDE this week’s Raw)
25. The Miz
As much as it PAINS me to do this, I have to put the Miz on this month. I really, REALLY hate the guy, but I will admit him playing a prank on Batista was really funny. What was even funnier was when Batista laid his scrawny ass out! Lets face it, the guy has his own TV show (I think) and owns a victory over the greatest technical wrestler in the history of the WWE, Chris Benoit. For now, he’s in the top 25 stars in the WWE.
24. Elijah Burke
Another guy I don’t particularly like, but I feel deserves some credit. Sure, in the past month, he has only been on the winning side of a match ONCE, however its not all about that. He has been doing GREAT as the mouthpiece for the New Breed over on ECW. Also, he has had some fantastic matches with RVD and his performance just last week in the extreme rules 8 man tag was enough to solidify him a spot on the Power 25.
23. Snitsky
This guy is a freak. Seriously, he is a monster. The guy has been running through opponent after opponent and looking completely unstoppable. Sure, he looks just like a wannabe Kane with bad back acne, but you still have to admit, he looks rather impressive doing it, despite the fact that the guy has a BIG BOOT AS A FUCKING FINISHER!! Not to worry, the guy will be gone soon, but for now, he’s on the list.
22. Ric Flair
Much like a lot of other people, including Natch himself, I was really mad Ric Flair was left off of Wrestlemania. I mean really, he is probably one of the top 5 most well known guys in the locker room, and he wasn’t even on the fucking card? Are you kidding me? I mean, look, I can understand that you need to make room. But with an 8 man Money In The Bank Match, and a 3 minute WWE Women’s Title Match, you could have had a tag match on the card. But whatever, Flair has been on a role since getting this new tag partner Carlito, and I for one LOVED when he was kicking Carlito in the pants and lighting a fire under his ass.
21. Chavo Guerrero
The man who ended the reign of the longest reining champion on SD in however many years. Sure, now he’s teaming with the guy and losing, but whatever. He’s still the CW champion.
20. Finlay
This man really impressed me in Money In The Bank. I thought he was going to be the weak link, but man, he really added some good stuff to the match. I particularly loved his Cletic Cross on the ladder. Even though he lost there, he is, and always has been, a vital part of the SD roster. Yeah, he might not be the biggest star on the show, but he helps people learn and he helps the show have quality matches. Also add to the fact that he is only the 3rd man to have a victory over Mr. Money In The Bank and you’ve got a recepie for getting on the Power 25.
19. Carlito
See Ric Flair. No really, its really the same thing. Why was one of the WWE’s biggest rising stars left off the show? Is he in “the doghouse”? Well I don’t believe in that bullshit you read on the net, so I will just chalk it up to them not having anything for him to do.
18. Kane
Ok, yes, I know he lost at Wrestlemania but up until that he had a really good big man feud going with the Great Waste Of TV Time, I mean Khali. I would get really excited when he would come out with his meathook. I was very disappointed that he really didn’t get to use it at Mania. I was even more disappointed when he fucking lost, but that’s neither here, nor there. I also liked the fact that he dominated the New Bloods this past week on SD.
17. The Great Khali
Ugh mommy, do I really have to put him on here? Yes, in fact I do. He is another guy like Snitsky. The guy just runs through EVERYONE, including the big red blueberry Kane. (Don’t tell Kane I called him a blueberry, he might shove that meathook up my ass.) He had a good match (or as good as it could have been) at Mania and he has been on an awesome streak going into it, so he deserves a spot.
16. King Booker
The king is dead! Man what a performance at Mania! A Book End off a ladder is the LAST thing I was expecting from this man. And, just like Finlay, I really wasn’t expecting much from him in the match either. I also liked how they set up the pseudo-semi-quazi turn between him and Sharmell. But the best thing I like about Booker this month is when he attacked Taker out of nowhere. That takes balls. Sure it “broke his neck” but it still takes balls, and it caught me off guard, which is always good.
15. MVP
Perhaps the most annoying person on WWE television today. I mean really, whenever this guy is on screen, I want to punch him in his face. But he did have an impressive “win streak” against “great wrestlers” from all over the world. No ok it wasn’t that impressive, but it was damn funny! And I like a guy who can make me laugh.
14. Umaga
Anyone who knows me knows I am a big fan of this guy. I love Umaga, I always have, and I always will. I think the guy makes just an amazing big man heel and unlike Snitsky and Khali, the guy can actually back it up. His matches always have one or 2 big moves that just make you go HOLY SHIT, even if its only that toss up Samoan Drop. If you can do that on a man who is 300lbs of SOLID FUCK MUSCLE, you have something special.
13. Edge
The former MITB winner went into Mania with as much, if not more momentum, than anyone else. A lot of people placed him in the “top 3” in the running to win the MITB match. I knew it wasn’t going to happen but then again, I have Karnack on speed dial. Unfortunately, Edge suffered a jaw injury, which I would believe due to the fact that he was pulled off of every house show before Mania and didn’t really wrestle at all before Mania. And how did he get around this? He found humorous ways to get out of it. Really, the guy, like MVP makes me laugh in spite of myself, and that makes a good heel.
12. Randy Orton
Boy if ever there was a guy people loved to hate, it’s Randy Orton. I know some people might not think he should be placed so high since on the way to Mania he was used as a foil to Lashley and only one once, if I’m not mistaken. However, and you can dispute this if you want, the match would NOT have been as good without him. You could have thrown Benoit in the match, and it would have been as good. And it was all for one reason, Orton was the X-Factor. A lot of people picked Kennedy to win MITB, with good reason. However Orton was a close second. A lot of people even predicted Orton and Edge to BOTH win the case and then fight over it on Raw. Do you think there would have been so much conjecture over the MITB match had he not been in it?
11. CM Punk
Another guy who had just an amazing showing at MITB. I know a lot of smarks would have picked him to win it, but its not his time yet. He’s still VERY green and small guys don’t go over as well as big guys when they are green. In all honesty, if you put Punk next to me, it looks like I could kick his ass because I’m 6ft 280. But I know his time will come soon. But on the way in and on the way out of Mania, he has racked up some impressive wins all while fielding offers from The New Breed and the ECW Originals. He’s the hottest commodity in ECW right now, and that’s why he gets number 11 on the P25.
10. Melina
What can I say? She’s fucking hot. She’s the WWE Women’s Champion. After some less than phenomenal build up for her match, she disposed of the cover girl in 3 minutes. Right now, she is the big bitch on the block.
9. RVD
Talk about a guy who is flying high, PUN INTENDED!!! This guy has been on a big time roll. He’s won matches pretty much for the past month and a half. He’s had some phenomenal ones with the New Breeder Elijah Burke. Also, he got the win for the ECW Originals at Mania. Lets face it, he’s the man!
8. Chris Benoit
Ok, so Benoit would be higher if that little WORM Miz didn’t beat him this past week. Benoit had a really good (not great) match with MVP at Mania and made it as good as it could have been with the lack of build up. It was mostly MVP talking and Benoit kicking ass with not so much interaction. But he’s still the US Champ, thought it might not last for long, and that’s good enough for me.
7. HBK
What a match he had at Mania huh folks? Some people even rated it higher than MITB and the Taker/Batista Match. I don’t know if I would go THAT far but man it was good. HBK was in rare form on that night and I will say on the way up, I enjoyed the antics of he and Cena. He would have been a LOT higher and he not cost his team the tag straps, but I will say I was genuinely shocked when it happened.
6. Batista
The Animal of the WWE comes in at number 6 this month. He was booked to look invincible up until Mania when the deadman kicked his ass and neutered the Animal. But Batista had the greatest feud, and the greatest match of his short 3-4 year career. So even though he lost, he is still looking impressive.
5. The Hardy Boyz
What can I say? The greatest team of the 1990’s has been reformed. Not only have they been reformed, they have won the World Tag Team Titles! As soon as they came out on Raw, I knew they had it. I didn’t know HOW it was gonna happen, but I knew it was their night. They both also did really well, despite losing at MITB. And yeah, that Jeff Hardy Spot was sick.
4. John Cena
And now we come to the golden boy of the WWE and of the internet. What can I say? He’s the champ and he has put on some seriously good matches as of late. I know im going kinda far back, but both of his matches earlier in the year with Umaga were fucking awesome. Then of course we have his epic battle with HBK in between that, we have the opponents winning the tag team titles from Rated RKO. All in all, Cena deserves this spot, despite what the smarks say.
3. Bobby Lashley
The other ANIMAL of the WWE. The guy is a genetic freak and is just UNSTOPPABLE! Lets go back to when he had a steel cage match with Hardcore Holly. We were expecting at least a little blood. But what did we get? The man PROPELLS HIMSELF THROUGH THE CAGE TO THE FLOOR! What the fuck was that? That’s dedication, I don’t care how much of a “meathead” he looks like. I don’t care what anyone says, the guy is impressive. My favorite match of his, outside of his Mania match (which was just stellar) was his handicapped tables match on Smackdown. The only loss he has since winning the damn ECW Title was when Vince beat him right? Or did Test or RVD get a DQ win over him? Bottom line, the guy is the 3rd best star in the WWE today.
2. Ken Kennedy
And now we come Mr. Friday Night, Mr. Money In The Bank, and now we come to…MISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR KENNEDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Yeah I know its annoying, but I cant help myself. Talk about a guy who is on a roll?! He quietly won matches against the Hardy Boyz and CM Punk and Edge (all in tag matches of course). And now he is on his way to becoming a true main event star.
1. The Undertaker
The Deadman comes in at number one this month. He successfully held up his winning streak and for the FIRST TIME has won the same title as Harley Race, Ric Flair, Sting, and Hulk Hogan. He also gave Batista his best feud ever in his career along with his best match ever so the Deadman is NUMBER ONE this month!
Well thats it for the 3rd installment of the No Smark Zone. I want to thank all of you for reading and leaving responses! I will be back next week with some more suprises and Match 2, along with a bracket hopefully, of the Fantasy Tournament!
i dunno whats wrong either with him or with the WWE .