Did you like the "Star Wars" prequels? No? Well join the club, the club being basically all of America. But never fear, because JJ Abrams is here to save the franchise from George Lucas, who once cared about something other than making piles and piles of money (we think). So can the "Star Trek" virtuoso lift the series into the cinematic stratosphere once again? We certainly hope so, and to help him along we've compiled a list of 12 "Star Wars" prequel mistakes he should steer clear of if he hopes not to send the fanboys into giant spirals of abject rage and despair.
Do not make your protagonist an unlikable whiner
Even though we all knew Anakin Skywalker was eventually going to turn to the Dark Side, the fact is that he was one of the main protagonists for nearly two full movies. So why didn't we like him? Because Anakin was a big, whiny baby, that's why. it didn't help that the character was played by Hayden Christensen, who wasn't exactly adept at conveying the emotional complexities required for the role.
Do not kill off cool characters in the first movie
Darth Maul is an awesome dude. He has horns coming out of his head, a red lightsaber, and the voice of Peter Serafinowicz. He's a worthy antagonist, and it certainly makes for an exciting finale when he's sliced in half by Obi-Wan Kenobi at the end of "Phantom Menace." Unfortunately, that means there's no more Darth Maul in the rest of the trilogy -- and for that, the films sorely suffered.
Do not shove in 150000 origin stories
It's understandable that you want to give as many nods to fans as you can, either with Easter eggs, cameos, or just a little sprinkling of backstory for side characters. But — as with everything in life — moderation is key. We didn't need to see Greedo's traumatic childhood that would lead him to a life of crime, or Boba Fett's traumatic childhood that would lead him to a life of crime, or C-3P0's traumatic existence that would lead him to a life of nervous over-compensation, or…well you get the point.
Do not shoehorn in a love story just because you think the audience expects one
Let's face it: the love story between Anakin and Queen Amidala was painful. How painful? People actually had to laugh to keep from crying (remember the meadow scene? Remember, America?) It wasn't just that Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman were saddled with crappy dialogue ("I don't like sand, it's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere") but that they had zero on-screen chemistry. The moral of the story being: do not cast 20-year-old Hayden Christensen in a movie. Oh and also, don't add a love story to your script just to add a love story - especially one as saccharine and unconvincing as this.
Do not have one ONE female character of import in the entire damn universe
Look, Padme Amidale, Queen of Naboo and mother of Luke and Leia Skywalker, is a badass. And, seeing as she's played by Natalie Portman in all that amazing makeup and wardrobe, she also has a beautiful and feminine side. But representing all of womankind is a lot to place on the shoulders of one person, which is to say: having only one major female character in an epic three-part franchise is bullshit.
Do not make the plot revolve around college level knowledge of geopolitical trade tariffs
Quick! What's the catalyst that sets off the events of the Star Wars prequels? If you said the Senate sent Jedi Knights to negotiate on behalf of Naboo because the Trade Federation set up a blockade around the planet to force Queen Amidala's hand by cutting off all supplies supposedly to protest the taxation by the Galactic Republic which was actually a smokescreen for military arm of the Trade Federation (wait what?) to invade Naboo because reasons…then you just also used Google to look that up because no one in the history of cinema actually understood what the actual hell was happening other than pod races and Darth Maul. A movie — especially one marketed heavily at children — needs a story arc you can follow even if you didn't get a degree at Harvard Business school.
Do not be overly self-referential
Along with their numerous other too-cute-for-their-own-good qualities, the prequels suffered from an overload of self-referential moments, from the shoehorning in of Boba Fett - given an underwhelming origin story segment in "Attack of the Clones" - to Chewbacca literally giving Yoda a piggyback ride in "Revenge of the Sith." It's as if even Lucas knew the prequels weren't good and decided to throw some callbacks into the mix to try and retain a modicum of the goodwill he earned with the original trilogy. Nice try, George.
Do not over-explain things that are better left as mysteries
Of all the "Star Wars" universe's inventions, the Force as it was originally explained might just be the coolest. A metaphysical energy that surrounds all living things, harnessing the Force is what makes a Jedi a Jedi. And, best of all, actually understanding the Force was just barely out of reach for us mere mortals -- which, of course, just made it seem cooler. But then "Episode 1" had do go and rationalize the Force on a biological level by introducing Midi-chlorians, intelligent microscopic life forms that live inside cells and allow their hosts to sense and harvest the Force. So: the higher your Midi-chlorian count, the better you are at doing Jedi stuff. Which really takes all the fun out of it, doesn't it?
Do not have the love interest literally die of a broken heart
A lot of things could've killed Padme Amidala Skywalker. The noxious fumes from the volcano planet Mustafar, the fact that her husband literally force choked her and could realistically have partially crushed her windpipe, or even having twins via vaginal birth instead of emergency Caesarian section because who programmed that maternity droid? But in a universe with synthetic skin, robot helpers, and bloody INTERGALACTIC SPACE TRAVEL, dying of sadness is just lazy writing.
Do not be over-reliant on CGI
Remember when Yoda looked like an actual living being and not like a video game character? Remember when the "Star Wars" franchise was about telling a good story and not about showcasing the latest visual-effects technology? Remember when George Lucas had a soul?
Do not accidentally make us root for the villain's underlings
When your hero is an immature mass murderer, you have to take great pains to make sure the villains are even more unlikable. Otherwise you end up in a situation where the audience is thinking, "Wow, I used to hate stormtroopers until I realized they were literally a slave race of clones, born and bred to fight without questioning orders, ingratiating themselves with the enemy until Order 66 literally forced them to turn against their friends and slaughter them wholesale." Meanwhile, the 'hero' is off murdering children in the Jedi Temple.
Do not turn a race of people into a Jamaican stereotype
Mesa tink Jar Jar Binks might actually be the most annoying character in cinematic history. Yousa too?
