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The annoying theme music plays as Steven Richards and Bull Buchanan march down the ramp, walking up the steel steps Richards holds out his hand and grabs a microphone as Buchanan grabs his hands and stands towering behind him. Steven Richards:
Please please settle down, sit and remain quiet for what we have to say is a change of pace for you all, what we have to say is actually important and relevant unlike the laundry list of other people who come out here and spew out their false hoods. My name is Steven Richards and by my side is Mr. Bull Buchanan, and we'd like to take a moment to speak to you all about a very important subject. And that is simply your salvation, and the salvation of those around you.
Richards hands the microphone to Buchanan
Bull Buchanan:
I used to be like all of yall...
Steven puts a hand on his shoulder, telling him something.
Excuse me, I used to be like all of you people, I used to find enjoyment and entertainment out of violent and vulgar programming. But then...then I thought about my children, how they were going to be exposed to this world and all it's misgivings and I just couldn't allow it...I wouldn't allow it. I always had this in the back of my mind but thanks to one great man, I was molded in his image and brought into this company full of obscene and deplorable content and given the opportunity to make this world a better place. I was enlightened, and in that process I learned why Mr. Sandow has all this ben-ben
Bull turns to Richards asking him something before Richards answers and Bull continues.
benevolence. it's not because he feels like he's better than all of us, it's not because he hates who you all are, he sees us all as his own children. And he only wants what is best for us, just like all of you want for your own and we are here to help you. Can't yall see that?
Steven holds up a hand calming Bull down as the crowd boos, he takes the microphone back. Steven Richards:
This week, we face a team that thrives in this world were sex sells and bad examples are the norm. We face a "Chick Magnet" and a "Shaman of Sexy", well gentleman we are here to tell you both that this behavior is unacceptable and it will not be tolerated. If it were up to me or Mr. Buchanan we would censor you from the show by eliminating you from the screens of the watching audience, if it were up to us we would once and for all put an end to your adultery totting ways physically. But we are not here for ourselves, we are not Stevie and B-2 we are but humble servants to a greater man and as such he wishes to always convert first. Therefore, we would like to offer you the opportunity to fix up your hair styles, wear something more conservative, and enlighten yourselves. So Miz and Morrison would you be up to taking a mere moment of your time to talk about our savior, Damien Sandow?
Every light in the arena and several surrounding city blocks cuts out as the greatest techno song of all time hits the PA. The crowd goes ballistic, screaming their faces off in anticipation of the arrival of their actual saviours. With a magnificent crescendo the song reaches a stunning peak at half a minute in, at which point it cuts out and dozens of fireworks explode around the building. When the smoke clears, the song resumes and the greatest tag team in the history of tag teams rides out on to the stage. Rides what, you ask? The Miz and John Morrison are each saddled on their own elephant - giant, magnificent creatures with large ears and ivory tusks, commonly found in Africa and South-East Asia. The elephants are all decked out in moon sapphires and the finest Mongolian silk. They are also wearing bedazzled sunglasses, so the excessive strobe lights flashing around the arena don't spook them. The capacity crowd continues to scream and cheer for their heroes as they slowly approach the ring. Once at ringside, the tandem hops off of their rides, landing gracefully in the ring. The elephants are taken to the back by a dozen or so French supermodels. They climb opposing turnbuckles, affording the people a chance to behold their idols. It then seems that they've collected a set of microphones out of nowhere, and are ready to let the verbal smack down begin.
Morrison: I'm John Morrison, and I have seen a Pokemon in real life.
The Miz: And I'm your chick magnet, The Miz! Before we start things off, I just want to let everyone know how excited we are to be debuting as a team on UWF RAW! I mean, winning that match on the Slammies Special was cool, and being undefeated on FNME all those years ago was really great, but UWF Raw? That's the bees knees kiddos. It's the cream of the crop! The toast of the town! The best of the best! La formidable en Francais! It's, dare I say it... of course I dare... AWESOME!
Every single person in the audience screams in agreement. Small children tremble and woman weep while men remove their hats in respect and awe.
Morrison: Indeed, the fountains of radicalness and regalia overfloweth here tonight, washing away the weariness brought on by years of monotony, lameness, and ugly folk with terrible hair cuts and who don't wear enough clothes. But as was foretold by the mystics of old, we have returned, together, with each other, as a team, to Raw, so that we might save the tag team division. The doubters and fools have claimed that the division is "fine", that is "doesn't need saving", and that saying something like that "literally makes very little sense" - but we beg to differ. We beg to differ quite hard, in fact. We've been told by nay-sayers that "we're too good looking to be pro-wrestlers" and that "wasting" our "time" beating up "hideous freaks" like, oh, I dunno, virtually everyone else on "the" roster is a waste of our talent and effort. But we just scoffed at that, and oh... did we ever look good doing it.
You see, it doesn't matter how ignorant or repulsive or overweight the other superstars are. It doesn't matter that they've defiled the title belts with their greasy, stanky bodies or that they've bored you all half to death with inane, uninspired promos for years now. Because we are finally back, finally together on Raw, and so all nightmarish, terrible things shall end. The Palace of Wisdom has opened its doors and shone enlightenment on the people. The Knights of Cydonia have returned on a Righteous Crusade to reclaim their golden prize, to bring back a sanctity to the tag team division, and also whatever other titles we win along the way. And it all begins here, "tonight".
Miz: Granted, the title scene is a little backed up right now. Father Time, his pinocchio nose and the Cross-eyed Cowboy are doing all they can to hold on to those straps with their ancient, arthritic, wrinkly hands. Those goofball hosers and their shameless floozies claim to be the number one contenders, while some indy-grade-us-rip-offs have the blue brand belts. Meanwhile, you got the make believe dress-up squad, T.I.O.Clearly taking out their daddy issues, The SHIELD - aka Sweaty Hair, Idiots, Eeww, Like, these guys sure look Dumb with those vests on, and a few other loser teams clogging everything up. Unacceptable. Not surprising though, and we know that timing is everything. Unforgiven is around the corner, but once everyone has been unforgive'd, it'll just be me, John, the road to Wrestlemania and a dream that has been prophesized to come true. Dig it!
Morrison: In the mean time, we have these two to keep us "busy"...
Morrison points at Richards and Buchanan, looking disgusted. The crowd boos the much dumber and less cool team.
Morrison: Has anybody every told you guys that your mother dresses you like sofas?
Miz: Sick burn!
And Chris Jericho, who is in attendance tonight, totally agrees!*
Morrison: I can feel it from here... the heat... the shadows of heat...
Miz: For real though fellas. What's going on here? One part network censorship, one part Bible-thumping door-to-door preachers, one part book club, one part weird boy scouty sex cult vibe, one part Damien Sandow has a gross beard, one part soooooooooo boring.... but all parts suck-tastic. Barf. In my mouth. Twice. Ugh. Whatever happened to cool teams like the Road Warriors or the Hart Dynasty or MNM or MizShow or Awesome Truth? Its like every time I turn around another pair of virgin tough-guy wannabe tools get together to ruin my day. Well no more. We're going to make ourselves an example here tonight, and after we beat you... you... people... in like, a really convincing way, then everybody will know we're above this Sunday Night Heat grade malarkey.
The crowd cheers because they agree. Remember, Chris Jericho is the crowd tonight. Its worth noting that John Malkovich is as well.
---------- *"Burn" gif needlessly included because rey.
Richards simply shakes his head almost in dissapointment as he raises his microphone.
Steven Richards:
Self Indulgence, incoherent ramblings, and hypocritical claims. Is it any wonder why Mr. Sandow has had such a tough time attempting to bring about the beacon light of enlightenment through the fog people like you two shoot up to hide behind. What boisterous claims coming from two already proven failures in this business, and even worse these two claim to be saving the tag division. If either of you are considered a savior of any kind, I'd rather take my chances alone. But Gentleman you are not to blame, you are mere casualties of the society we live in, with that said however even if you are not to blame your claims against us are unacceptable...We are not Boring, we are respectable members of society who above all else are concerned about all these people. While Both of you are only concerned with yourselves, and this egotistical bravado will not be tolerated any longer.
Bull puts a hand up to Steven telling him to take it easy before he raises his own microphone, attempting to calm things down.
Bull Buchanan:
We could point out how many times both of you have tried and failed to make an impact in the past, we could point out that the most relevant you two ever got was on a show that was only on the internet, but Listen up boys, we aren't here to argue with ya...we aren't here in the U dubya eff to fight ya, no no We are here for you and for all of these people here tonight. We're trying to help ya can't ya see that, We know what's best, Damien Sandow knows what's best.
Richards puts a hand on Bulls shoulder stopping him from continuing, having retained his composure Steven now speaks.
Steven Richards:
What my associate is attempting to parlay, is that you both are talented young men who have been searching for that push to get to the top you've been reaching for for so long. Well we're not here to stop you but to help you, join us, accept Damien Sandow as your savior, and not only will you both learn how to properly dress, how to properly wear your hair, or how to properly speak but you will learn what you have failed to learn for so long and that is humility. There is nothing wrong with being a follower, and if you follow us we will lead you to the promise land. Of course to do that you must first prove yourselves, so on Raw keep the circus at home and commit a sacrifice...forfeit your match against us as a sign of humility and as a result Damien Sandow can mold you into the stars you were always meant to be...Or...
The crowd boos loudly at the prospect, Richards looks angry at the crown and Bull holds out a hand telling people to let him speak.
Bull Buchanan:
Or you can prove your own ignorance, prove ya don't know any better just like all these people are proving they don't know none better by booing our message, and we will show you first hand just how deep our conviction runs.
Steven Richards:
Either way gentleman, whether you are with us or against us, everything we do is done because none of you know any better...You don't know what's best for your children, what's best for yourselves, what's best for your own careers...But Damien Sandow does, We do, and you were all given the choice to accept it long ago. Now we are here to make sure you do what is best...So if you should join us, or if you should choose to be laid out by us, at the end of the day it will have been...For your own good.
Miz looks at Morrison, Morrison looks at Miz. The crowd cheers their favouritest dudes to ever lace up four boots, but the duo looks distraught. What could be bothering them so?
Miz: John... I... I... Morrison: Miz, I know... I just... I know... ya know? Miz: I do. We... need salvation! These gentlemen, these... these... prophets! They have shown me that I desperately, fiercely, severely need to be saved from myself and this volatile world we live in!
Morrison removes his sexy shades, ready to speak candidly.
Morrison: I've gone my whole life getting by on my fiendishly good looks, natural charisma, chiselled abs, perfect hair, excessive wealth and understanding of ancient mysteries... but what if there's more? I thought I had it all, but maybe, just maybe... there could be something else. Something that we... that we never even thought of? I don't know, I'm just so... I'm just confused right now, like I'm losing grip on the mask I've worn since before I can remember, and now I'm looking in a mirror, about to see a man I've never met. I... I want to meet him Miz. I really want to meet him! Miz: I want to meet him too, John, and by him, I mean the me I've never met. Like you just said.
Morrison: Like I just said. Miz: But, how... and what... and where do we... where do we even begin? Its like we're drowning in an ocean of lies and illusions, by stirred around by a storm of ignorance and tomfoolery. I'm tired of swimming John, but I... I don't want to drown. In the distance, I see a lighthouse, far away like a dream... and just maybe, maybe if we swim a little bit longer, that light will shine down and guide us to land. A safe, dry land shore, sturdy in the earth. A solid foundation on which to reconstruct our very selves. Morrison: But Miz, these men, these two guys we've just been making fun of - they are the lighthouse, calling us home! And all because of... THE ENLIGHTENED ONE - DAMIEN SANDOW! Ah! For so, so long, I've hear whispers, rumours, tales, fables, legends... secret hopes that trickled from the lips of martyrs as their eyes faded into the nether, and also blogs on the internet.com... For the longest time, I've been scared, and I in my fear I have mocked these hopes, but now I see Miz... we need to be saved! Miz: Do we ever! Damien Sandow has risen above in a way we never could have on our own. He has attained divine wisdom, supreme understanding, and in his grace has invited others to join him on that plain if only we submit to his reverence. John, we must surrender ourselves! We must throw ourselves at the feet of these disciples and beg... nay, prey that pardon our ignorance and take us with them to the promised land!
The Miz and John Morrison instantly bow down at the feet of Richards and Buchanan, faces buried in the canvas, grovelling without shame. The crowd begins to boo, until Morrison reaches for his mic again, face still bowed low.
Morrison: Show us the way, oh holy ones. Tell me where I must go to get an awful hair cut like yours, oh Prophet Richards. My perfect hair now only distracts me, and also every woman alive. How can any of them focus on their studies or civic duties if my astoundingly handsome locks are claiming their attention constantly? So please, tell me how I can a hair cut as dumb as yours so that I might make amends for this sin.
The Miz also grabs his mic again...
Miz: And Disciple Buchanan, where can I go to get such bland, horrible clothes like the ones you where? Is it Wal-Mast? Target? Value Village? Did you just trust the wisdom of Master Sandow to pick them, or do you still let your mother pick them out? My mom has bad taste, maybe yours could pick mine out too? I'm sure she would be thrilled to find out you've made a new friend, being that it must so rare for someone as... enlightened as you to bring people around the house. You still live at home with mom and dad right? Should I move back into my parent's basement too? Agh! So many questions! Help me!
Morrison: And how, pray tell, how do I become creepy and nerdish! I know the great Master values these things, I can tell by his bath robe, beard and slippers. He's like that neighbour you had growing up who retired way too young, only wears pajamas, has a bunch of cats and gives away terry's chocolate oranges on Halloween. Should I start doing stuff like that? It seems... being a total dork is essential to the cause. Should I buy encyclopedias? Start caring about dog shows? Collect buttons or stamps? Unlose my virginity? How do I do these things?
Miz: John, I... I feel something... something happening in my body... like, like the very presence of Sandow is upon me! I... I... AAHHHHH!
The Miz stands up, starting to shake violently. His eyes roll back into his head like the Undertaker. He then collapses on the floor, rolling around and vibrating as though his old soul is rotting out, being replaced with Sandow's superior one. Miz: AAAHHAHAHA! I can feeeeeeeeeeeel him! I can feeeeeeeeeeeel him! He.... aahahahah.... BLAGH!
The Miz stops suddenly as he pukes at the feet of Richards and Buchanan. Its super gross. The Miz stops shaking, and looking quite pale, wipes his mouth and stands back up. Chris Jericho is shown in the crowd, and he looks super grossed out too.
Morrison: Eeeeeeeeeewwwwww....
Miz: I... ugh... sorry....
Morrison: Ya know Miz, that was really gross. But also, maybe we're just not cut out for this whole "salvation" business, at least in the "being saved" sense. Maybe we're better off being the heroes of the people, and leaving the creepy all-male suit-and-tie cult stuff to freaks like these guys. I mean, you remember that thing with Sean O'Haire and Zach Gowen, right?
Miz: I try not to... Morrison: Exactly. So, Steve, Bull, sorry guys, but I guess we're gonna have to decline after all and just kicks your faces in tonight. Miz: Yeah... and uh... maybe get some different shoes before match time? Morrison: That's a fair request. Now, I have some high-impact Korean stretching to do, so...
Morrison blows a magic flute that appeared literally out of nowhere. The super models guide the elephants back to ring, Morrison and Miz climb aboard and return backstage to the cheers of their thousands and thousands of fans.
