PART TWO! Due to site issues, I had to put this up in two parts. If you caught these in the wrong order, check out Part One first:
STAWP 3/5/2012 Part One
Or, like, don't. Whatevs.
The Rock, Promo #2: At this point, I'm openly rooting for the Rock to stay stupid, or what he calls "funny." If they stick with this dynamic, with Rock making stupid jokes and Cena taking things seriously, I could really get behind it.
SPOILER ALERT: They don't stick with it.
Chris Masters: I picture him watching the commercial for the next WWE movie that won't make a dime and being like "That over me? Go fuck yourself." The poor guy, he's not even pluralized anymore.
[video=youtube;hyzBUwKxzyc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyzBUwKxzyc[/video]
The Miz: What I said about Dolph Ziggler's pink shirt? THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT APPLIES TO MIZ'S SHIRT. Having toolish attire makes for a great heel. And a shitty t-shirt salesman.
Big Show: He's going to win the IC title at Wrestlemania. Start preparing for it. There's no way he signed off on this campaign to embarrass the fuck out of him without some kind of payoff.
Cody Rhodes: This is going to be a weird argument, but hear me out. He's been good enough on the microphone that he shouldn't be the one introducing Big Show's Embarrassing Wrestlemania Moments. It's a tremendous angle, and Cody's getting a lot of heat for it, but you could've stuck any promo-challenged guy out there and it would be the same thing. Cody's great on the mic, so he should have a more active role in these segments.
It would be a bad decision to have Cody drop the title to someone like Show who won't do anything with it, but at least it would benefit Cody in the immediate future. He'd be well-positioned to fight for the world title at the May PPV and be in the mix for Money in the Bank.
The Rock, Promo #3: Bleh.
R-Truth: The little promo boxes while wrestlers walk to the ring should come back FOREVER AND EVER. It's either those or Cole and Lawler expositioning and clicheing us to death while nothing else is going on. If you can put up fucking twitter graphics during matches that matter, you can give guys like this promo time while nothing's happening.
Kane: Now that he's starting a feud with Orton, I'm really looking forward to the promo where he makes up the reason for targeting Orton. I sincerely mean that; I'll enjoy the promo and it will be retardedly stupid. After the weak rationale for the Cena feud, I'm expecting that he went after Orton because he saw Orton's iPod cover:
Randy Orton: His character is still really nothing more than "Guy who RKOs things." AND THE CROWD GOES WILD
John Cena: Ugh, his closing promo was the opposite of his empty arena promo. All of a sudden, in the ring, surrounded by a live crowd, he turned back into Funny Cena. I'm not saying he shouldn't have a good time. I just think he focused way too much on finding ways to make fun of Rock. And then of course...
The Rock: Four times, jesus. Of course, after three promos full of dick jokes, Rock comes out and tries to match Cena's seriousness from earlier in the night. I can't give him much more credit than "he tried." Rock tried to go serious, saying that when you strip away all the stupid shit (everything else he said that night), he's...tall...and he has muscles. Super! So does the Great Khali. So does Mason Ryan. If you want to be the guy who doesn't take this seriously, don't take the one thing Cena can do away from him.
Clearly they're saving up for later weeks. Maybe, eventually, both of them will be serious at the same time, and it will be dramatic and it will help sell PPVs. But the way they've gone about their promos so far, this match is basically being treated like an exhibition, the way male tennis players face females sometimes at those charity events because, gosh, isn't that funny? And really, that would be fine, except this is the main event of Wrestlemania. Promos should sell that battle. Rock and Cena treat the promos like they ARE the battles. We've all been asking "who won the promo?" If that's all we take away from every interaction, the answer is "nobody." Cena only won last week because he figured that out and said "Talking's fun, but you're a phony and I'm going to kick your ass." That did more for the match than 1,000 gay jokes. The match itself, right now, has no stakes.
If the next three weeks are going to be a continuation of this promo battle between good guys with them taking things seriously 5% of the time, the least they can do is admit the match doesn't matter and they're both gonna get stupidly rich off it.
CM Punk: Please go to 3:47 of this video.
[video=youtube;CUANPO9jklk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUANPO9jklk[/video]
What's funny is that, basically, that's John Cena's argument. "You're a phony, you lied to the fans, you write notes on your wrist, you don't deserve all the accolades you get." SO LET'S SETTLE THIS BY PUTTING ON AN EXHIBITION MATCH AND MAKING YOU A TON OF MONEY
Until next week!
STAWP 3/5/2012 Part One
Or, like, don't. Whatevs.
The Rock, Promo #2: At this point, I'm openly rooting for the Rock to stay stupid, or what he calls "funny." If they stick with this dynamic, with Rock making stupid jokes and Cena taking things seriously, I could really get behind it.
SPOILER ALERT: They don't stick with it.
Chris Masters: I picture him watching the commercial for the next WWE movie that won't make a dime and being like "That over me? Go fuck yourself." The poor guy, he's not even pluralized anymore.
[video=youtube;hyzBUwKxzyc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyzBUwKxzyc[/video]
The Miz: What I said about Dolph Ziggler's pink shirt? THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT APPLIES TO MIZ'S SHIRT. Having toolish attire makes for a great heel. And a shitty t-shirt salesman.
Big Show: He's going to win the IC title at Wrestlemania. Start preparing for it. There's no way he signed off on this campaign to embarrass the fuck out of him without some kind of payoff.
Cody Rhodes: This is going to be a weird argument, but hear me out. He's been good enough on the microphone that he shouldn't be the one introducing Big Show's Embarrassing Wrestlemania Moments. It's a tremendous angle, and Cody's getting a lot of heat for it, but you could've stuck any promo-challenged guy out there and it would be the same thing. Cody's great on the mic, so he should have a more active role in these segments.
It would be a bad decision to have Cody drop the title to someone like Show who won't do anything with it, but at least it would benefit Cody in the immediate future. He'd be well-positioned to fight for the world title at the May PPV and be in the mix for Money in the Bank.
The Rock, Promo #3: Bleh.
R-Truth: The little promo boxes while wrestlers walk to the ring should come back FOREVER AND EVER. It's either those or Cole and Lawler expositioning and clicheing us to death while nothing else is going on. If you can put up fucking twitter graphics during matches that matter, you can give guys like this promo time while nothing's happening.
Kane: Now that he's starting a feud with Orton, I'm really looking forward to the promo where he makes up the reason for targeting Orton. I sincerely mean that; I'll enjoy the promo and it will be retardedly stupid. After the weak rationale for the Cena feud, I'm expecting that he went after Orton because he saw Orton's iPod cover:
Randy Orton: His character is still really nothing more than "Guy who RKOs things." AND THE CROWD GOES WILD
John Cena: Ugh, his closing promo was the opposite of his empty arena promo. All of a sudden, in the ring, surrounded by a live crowd, he turned back into Funny Cena. I'm not saying he shouldn't have a good time. I just think he focused way too much on finding ways to make fun of Rock. And then of course...
The Rock: Four times, jesus. Of course, after three promos full of dick jokes, Rock comes out and tries to match Cena's seriousness from earlier in the night. I can't give him much more credit than "he tried." Rock tried to go serious, saying that when you strip away all the stupid shit (everything else he said that night), he's...tall...and he has muscles. Super! So does the Great Khali. So does Mason Ryan. If you want to be the guy who doesn't take this seriously, don't take the one thing Cena can do away from him.
Clearly they're saving up for later weeks. Maybe, eventually, both of them will be serious at the same time, and it will be dramatic and it will help sell PPVs. But the way they've gone about their promos so far, this match is basically being treated like an exhibition, the way male tennis players face females sometimes at those charity events because, gosh, isn't that funny? And really, that would be fine, except this is the main event of Wrestlemania. Promos should sell that battle. Rock and Cena treat the promos like they ARE the battles. We've all been asking "who won the promo?" If that's all we take away from every interaction, the answer is "nobody." Cena only won last week because he figured that out and said "Talking's fun, but you're a phony and I'm going to kick your ass." That did more for the match than 1,000 gay jokes. The match itself, right now, has no stakes.
If the next three weeks are going to be a continuation of this promo battle between good guys with them taking things seriously 5% of the time, the least they can do is admit the match doesn't matter and they're both gonna get stupidly rich off it.
CM Punk: Please go to 3:47 of this video.
[video=youtube;CUANPO9jklk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUANPO9jklk[/video]
What's funny is that, basically, that's John Cena's argument. "You're a phony, you lied to the fans, you write notes on your wrist, you don't deserve all the accolades you get." SO LET'S SETTLE THIS BY PUTTING ON AN EXHIBITION MATCH AND MAKING YOU A TON OF MONEY
Until next week!
