It's that time again. Welcome to this week's edition of Sal Talks About Wrestling People. Better than ever, now with 65% more HHH jokes!
WWE is at the point now where the main-event matches for Wrestlemania 28 have been made. The difference between justifying a match's existence and driving interest in said match can be huge. They could only pick one person to face The Undertaker, for example. They had to narrow down possibilities and choose one opponent, one main theme for the match. Now that it's been made, they can afford to get a little crazy and make the feuds really stand out. This week, they only did that for one match. GUESS WHICH ONE? Now, for the Wrestling People-Talking.
Shawn Michaels: He clearly heard my cries two weeks ago. This week he actually took his hat off! And god bless him, his hairline's almost hanging in there. What this segment showed me was the evolution of Shawn Michaels as a shitty friend. Twenty years ago, he threw Marty Jannetty threw a glass window. This week, we saw the older way more passive-aggressive HBK. "I just want to hear it from HHH himself!" I understand it's a TV show, but still, a phone call would've been nice.
Triple H: Okay. As much as I love making fun of this guy...wait, I have to post another picture of him:
As much as I love making fun of him, when there's someone in the ring with him, his promos are fine. When they let him talk to the crowd and "spout off" and take forever to say nothing, that's when I'd rather see him shot into the sun. This week he was great as the guy who had to cover for the fact that he had a pretty stupid reason for accepting the match with Taker. "No, Shawn, you've got it all wrong, I'm doing this for you!" I had missed old bullshittin' Triple H! Where else have we heard Triple H trying to cover himself in front of Michaels?
[video=youtube;rlqrt9wb_D4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlqrt9wb_D4[/video]
This storyline won't go like that. With Michaels as the special referee now, Triple H will do everything to make sure Michaels is on the same page. It'll be Michaels surprising an overconfident Triple H with a superkick. I think we might have seen the beginning of Corporate Triple H this week, and that would be TREMENDOUS.
This fucking match: This one match has the following going for it:
- Two Attitude Era legends
- Fighting at Wrestlemania for a third time
- In possibly both men's last match
- With Taker's Streak on the line
- In Hell in a Cell
- With special referee HBK
This isn't even a match anymore, it's Triple H's mid-life crisis. Somewhere Daniel Bryan's gotta be like "CAN I GET ONE STIPULATION?!"
Santino Marella: The new United States champion. I....I just can't react positively to this. Maybe if it happened at Wrestlemania with a little build instead of on an episode of Raw out of nowhere. Maybe if they let him bust out a little Boris Alexiev instead of winning every match by rollup or lovetap. I will rescind this complaint if he breaks out the U.S. title version of the Honky-Meter.
Dolph Ziggler: He spent six months elevating the status of the U.S. title and helping to make a star out of Zack Ryder. Then he had to go out there and watch in person as the bookers (possibly) threw the belt back down the elevator shaft.
Dolph Ziggler's Pink T-Shirt: I had a couple of wrestling t-shirts when I was younger. In 1998 I had the Austin 3:16 and the Rock shirt, the one with the big blue Brahma Bull on the front. OH YES I LOOKED AWESOME. Then I turned 15. My poor big sister got me a Kurt Angle t-shirt, a red one that said "I'll make you tap out!" on it. I wore that one in public zero times. The only other shirt I owned since then was a blue El Generico shirt. I wear that one in public from time to time because he's an indy guy and it's fun to go "iOLE!" But other than that, yeah, that's been it for me and wrestling apparel. I'm 26 years old. I'm an adult. I WEAR ADULT CLOTHES. I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS.
My point is, PLEASE PUT THAT PINK SHIRT ON SALE BECAUSE I WILL WEAR IT EVERYWHERE
Jack Swagger: Why did it take me like 4 years (holy shit he's been around for 4 years) to realize that this guy shouldn't try to look cool at all? Hair parted to the side? That was perfection. Perfection.
John Laurinaitis: KEEP YOUR JACKET ON JOHNNY. Angry power-hungry familiar wrestling character John Laurinaitis just doesn't do it for me.
Teddy Long: You know he had that red suit in his closet for 28 years just waiting for the perfect night to wear it.
The Rock: For reasons pretty much beyond my control, I'll be talking about him four times in this review. Whatever the Rock says about Cena getting stale and the people turning on him, the Rock doesn't really have anything of substance to say. "Your gear looks stupid and you're gay" doesn't work for me as a reason to fight, it's not particularly funny, and it's not even fresh. At least Rock added a few new words to his insults?
Eve: On one hand, I want to criticize the idea that a character turn automatically turns someone into a dominant wrestler. Eve didn't get better at wrestling overnight because she turned into a bitch, right? That's just silly. There's a simpler explanation though: even in kayfabe, the face divas are fucking terrible at wrestling.
Kelly Kelly: She was at the announce table and was only fleetingly shown on camera. Which is kind of like putting Susan Boyle in a soundproof booth.
Alicia Fox: Got backstage after her match and received a Certificate of Participation. Congratulations to Alicia!
John Cena: I've read a couple reviews of this Raw, and both of them blasted this promo. The critics have a point. I thought the substance of the promo was a little off, and as Brandon Stroud at With Leather put it, it was a lot like every E-Fed promo I've ever read. Before this week, Cena did nothing to convince me that he NEEDS to win the match. The seriousness was a little sudden. But what worked about the promo, what made it the opposite of Rock's promos, was Cena's sincerity. Why even bother trying to beat Rock at the gay poop joke game? Do something the Rock has never ever done: be sincere. If you take what he said about winning the match (which I didn't buy) and then apply it to winning the CROWD, then what he said makes a ton of sense. The best part of the promo was Cena convincing us that he needs to win the match. Desperation is what makes men change, not whatever Kane was trying to make Cena embrace. Whichever way they go with Cena's character after Wrestlemania, they can play off the desperation. If he wins the match but loses the crowd, he still has a reason to snap if they want to go there. Even if he doesn't turn, they can play with this down the line, maybe an angle where Cena wonders whether he's gotten too big for wrestling.
The guy with the "Colt of Personality" sign: hugz
Your Wrestlemania Main-Event Tag Match: CM Punk and Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan. A huge guy, a rock star, and two indy dudes who weren't supposed to get past the mid-card. Even though the title matches have been treated like afterthoughts so far, I still appreciate WWE throwing us a bone.
Chris Jericho: People thought he got hurt during the match? CHRIS JERICHO DOES NOT GET INJURED. JESUS STOLE HIS RESILIENCE FROM CHRIS JERICHO.
CM Punk: Selling injuries is good. Selling injuries from attacks last week is great. Doing top rope elbows with the back injury you should be selling is less great.
I can't believe that's the only CM Punk note I have for the night.
Sheamus/Bryan: I mentioned this earlier, but this feud could really use...anything. If I can make a suggestion, I'd like Paul London back so he and Bryan can reform the HYBRID DOLPHINS.
[video=youtube;FSh2s_lmthI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSh2s_lmthI[/video]
Please check out Part Two at this link:
http://wrestlingsmarks.com/forums/t22359-new/
I'M IN IT FOR THE PAGE VIEWS
WWE is at the point now where the main-event matches for Wrestlemania 28 have been made. The difference between justifying a match's existence and driving interest in said match can be huge. They could only pick one person to face The Undertaker, for example. They had to narrow down possibilities and choose one opponent, one main theme for the match. Now that it's been made, they can afford to get a little crazy and make the feuds really stand out. This week, they only did that for one match. GUESS WHICH ONE? Now, for the Wrestling People-Talking.
Shawn Michaels: He clearly heard my cries two weeks ago. This week he actually took his hat off! And god bless him, his hairline's almost hanging in there. What this segment showed me was the evolution of Shawn Michaels as a shitty friend. Twenty years ago, he threw Marty Jannetty threw a glass window. This week, we saw the older way more passive-aggressive HBK. "I just want to hear it from HHH himself!" I understand it's a TV show, but still, a phone call would've been nice.
Triple H: Okay. As much as I love making fun of this guy...wait, I have to post another picture of him:
As much as I love making fun of him, when there's someone in the ring with him, his promos are fine. When they let him talk to the crowd and "spout off" and take forever to say nothing, that's when I'd rather see him shot into the sun. This week he was great as the guy who had to cover for the fact that he had a pretty stupid reason for accepting the match with Taker. "No, Shawn, you've got it all wrong, I'm doing this for you!" I had missed old bullshittin' Triple H! Where else have we heard Triple H trying to cover himself in front of Michaels?
[video=youtube;rlqrt9wb_D4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlqrt9wb_D4[/video]
This storyline won't go like that. With Michaels as the special referee now, Triple H will do everything to make sure Michaels is on the same page. It'll be Michaels surprising an overconfident Triple H with a superkick. I think we might have seen the beginning of Corporate Triple H this week, and that would be TREMENDOUS.
This fucking match: This one match has the following going for it:
- Two Attitude Era legends
- Fighting at Wrestlemania for a third time
- In possibly both men's last match
- With Taker's Streak on the line
- In Hell in a Cell
- With special referee HBK
This isn't even a match anymore, it's Triple H's mid-life crisis. Somewhere Daniel Bryan's gotta be like "CAN I GET ONE STIPULATION?!"
Santino Marella: The new United States champion. I....I just can't react positively to this. Maybe if it happened at Wrestlemania with a little build instead of on an episode of Raw out of nowhere. Maybe if they let him bust out a little Boris Alexiev instead of winning every match by rollup or lovetap. I will rescind this complaint if he breaks out the U.S. title version of the Honky-Meter.
Dolph Ziggler: He spent six months elevating the status of the U.S. title and helping to make a star out of Zack Ryder. Then he had to go out there and watch in person as the bookers (possibly) threw the belt back down the elevator shaft.
Dolph Ziggler's Pink T-Shirt: I had a couple of wrestling t-shirts when I was younger. In 1998 I had the Austin 3:16 and the Rock shirt, the one with the big blue Brahma Bull on the front. OH YES I LOOKED AWESOME. Then I turned 15. My poor big sister got me a Kurt Angle t-shirt, a red one that said "I'll make you tap out!" on it. I wore that one in public zero times. The only other shirt I owned since then was a blue El Generico shirt. I wear that one in public from time to time because he's an indy guy and it's fun to go "iOLE!" But other than that, yeah, that's been it for me and wrestling apparel. I'm 26 years old. I'm an adult. I WEAR ADULT CLOTHES. I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS.
My point is, PLEASE PUT THAT PINK SHIRT ON SALE BECAUSE I WILL WEAR IT EVERYWHERE
Jack Swagger: Why did it take me like 4 years (holy shit he's been around for 4 years) to realize that this guy shouldn't try to look cool at all? Hair parted to the side? That was perfection. Perfection.
John Laurinaitis: KEEP YOUR JACKET ON JOHNNY. Angry power-hungry familiar wrestling character John Laurinaitis just doesn't do it for me.
Teddy Long: You know he had that red suit in his closet for 28 years just waiting for the perfect night to wear it.
The Rock: For reasons pretty much beyond my control, I'll be talking about him four times in this review. Whatever the Rock says about Cena getting stale and the people turning on him, the Rock doesn't really have anything of substance to say. "Your gear looks stupid and you're gay" doesn't work for me as a reason to fight, it's not particularly funny, and it's not even fresh. At least Rock added a few new words to his insults?
Eve: On one hand, I want to criticize the idea that a character turn automatically turns someone into a dominant wrestler. Eve didn't get better at wrestling overnight because she turned into a bitch, right? That's just silly. There's a simpler explanation though: even in kayfabe, the face divas are fucking terrible at wrestling.
Kelly Kelly: She was at the announce table and was only fleetingly shown on camera. Which is kind of like putting Susan Boyle in a soundproof booth.
Alicia Fox: Got backstage after her match and received a Certificate of Participation. Congratulations to Alicia!
John Cena: I've read a couple reviews of this Raw, and both of them blasted this promo. The critics have a point. I thought the substance of the promo was a little off, and as Brandon Stroud at With Leather put it, it was a lot like every E-Fed promo I've ever read. Before this week, Cena did nothing to convince me that he NEEDS to win the match. The seriousness was a little sudden. But what worked about the promo, what made it the opposite of Rock's promos, was Cena's sincerity. Why even bother trying to beat Rock at the gay poop joke game? Do something the Rock has never ever done: be sincere. If you take what he said about winning the match (which I didn't buy) and then apply it to winning the CROWD, then what he said makes a ton of sense. The best part of the promo was Cena convincing us that he needs to win the match. Desperation is what makes men change, not whatever Kane was trying to make Cena embrace. Whichever way they go with Cena's character after Wrestlemania, they can play off the desperation. If he wins the match but loses the crowd, he still has a reason to snap if they want to go there. Even if he doesn't turn, they can play with this down the line, maybe an angle where Cena wonders whether he's gotten too big for wrestling.
The guy with the "Colt of Personality" sign: hugz
Your Wrestlemania Main-Event Tag Match: CM Punk and Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan. A huge guy, a rock star, and two indy dudes who weren't supposed to get past the mid-card. Even though the title matches have been treated like afterthoughts so far, I still appreciate WWE throwing us a bone.
Chris Jericho: People thought he got hurt during the match? CHRIS JERICHO DOES NOT GET INJURED. JESUS STOLE HIS RESILIENCE FROM CHRIS JERICHO.
CM Punk: Selling injuries is good. Selling injuries from attacks last week is great. Doing top rope elbows with the back injury you should be selling is less great.
I can't believe that's the only CM Punk note I have for the night.
Sheamus/Bryan: I mentioned this earlier, but this feud could really use...anything. If I can make a suggestion, I'd like Paul London back so he and Bryan can reform the HYBRID DOLPHINS.
[video=youtube;FSh2s_lmthI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSh2s_lmthI[/video]
Please check out Part Two at this link:
http://wrestlingsmarks.com/forums/t22359-new/
I'M IN IT FOR THE PAGE VIEWS
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