Welcome to the next edition of Sal Talks About Wrestling People!
This week, I'm going to say all the same things I've been saying for the last 10 years, and you'll love it anyway.
I wasn't around to do STAWP last week, so I'll give you a nice quick haiku review of last Monday's show.
John Cena's stale! Boo!
Wait, he's doing his gimmick
from nine years ago? Yay!
Rock spent twenty-five
minutes calling Cena gay.
And then he sang Queen.
The Ryder/Eve thing
Is just really goddamn dumb.
Really goddamn dumb.
Dolph Ziggler's so good
at wrestling matches that he
botches his botches.
CM Punk gets to
re-do his indy angles.
Colt begs to drink bleach.
Sheamus/Bryan. They
have a Wrestlemania match!
Isn't that something?
ANYWAY! Let's get on with it.
CM Punk - I complained when he went into full snark mode for no reason, so I can't complain now that he's pretty much dong the exact opposite. What's jarring to me is that, for whatever reason, Punk always either goes on the full offensive or the complete defensive. One week it's "You have no balls and you're a dick and nobody likes you," and the next week it's (sad face). Jericho's the guy you should be insulting Punk, not poor sweet innocent John Laurinaitis!
Chris Jericho - This guy had an absolutely flaming Canadian accent coming out of him while he was pretending to be sincere. I couldn't get past it. I usually can't hear it that well, but every "sourry" and "aboot" had me in stitches.
Kane - Came out to hit a SUPER CHOKESLAM on Big Show, and then stayed in the back while his new made-up nemesis Randy Orton was talking? Not even a little "mind-game" pyro or mood lighting or anything? BOOO
King Hippo v. Little Mac - Sorry, I meant
Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes - ALL I COULD THINK OF WHILE THIS WAS HAPPENING
[video=youtube;p8bdk7JOTcE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8bdk7JOTcE[/video]
David Otunga - David Otunga The Awesomely Gimmicked Out-of-Ring Guy is having a huge effect on my perception of David Otunga the Wrestler. That gimmick is so good, I wouldn't have a problem if he won the U.S. title tomorrow.
With that in mind, he did beat the U.S. Champion this week...
Santino Marella - One of the perils of doing this review a day after the show is that sometimes I forget the details what happened the night before. I couldn't remember anything notable he did this week. Then I watched it on youtube. Then I immediately forgot again.
JOHN LAURINAITIS PLAYING THE INVISIBLE TROMBONE - JOHN LAURINAITIS PLAYING THE INVISIBLE TROMBONE
Lord Tensai - PRINCE ALBERT! Awesome. Although when the promo started and they showed a painted head, I literally said out loud, "...Goldust?" For some reason, I had a hankering for some Goldust...
(GUYS I can't find a picture of HHH from that one time he dressed as Goldust. Someone plz halp!)
The Rock - I'm going to say nice things about The Rock this week.
No really, I am.
This week was the first time I can remember The Rock making John Cena look important. It took way too long to get something positive out of him. So far all Rock has said about this match is "I'm fighting you because you're stupid and gay and a woman and a gay woman and fuck you and I'm like really tall." Meanwhile, John Cena had made SOME effort toward providing a serious reason for the match to happen with his empty arena promo. This week Rock invoked history. All he had to do was put John Cena alongside other legends and tell us why the match was important to him. That's all it took. And I enjoyed the flashback to Rock's 2001 promo where he stood in front of the Rocky statue just before he decided whether to re-join WWE or join the Alliance.
With that said, two less nice things:
Camera Guy - We know there are people in the crowd watching Rock. We can hear them laughing. You don't need to cut to them every 10 seconds.
Fat Mac - Definitely appreciates Rock shouting out "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." Rock, you know that's actually on Comedy Central Monday from 9-11, right? I almost flipped over out of principle.
Daniel Bryan - Every time Daniel Bryan kills somebody in 3 minutes, an angel gets its FUCKING HEAD KICKED IN
(clap clap clap clap clapclapclapclap)
AJ Jesus christ she's cute. I couldn't hate her if she put my dog in the oven. Which means, she's perfect for this role. But Bryan's gonna have to get a lot more abusive quickly if I'm going to support AJ costing him the title.
Zack Ryder - Wasn't he, like, near death last week? I thought he still had the crutches. Either way, it's strange having him come back like this with no fanfare. I do have to admit I loved the t-shirt.
WWE Shop calls it the "Statue of LiBROty." I would've gone with the StatWOO of Liberty, but hey, either way.
Shaquille O'Neal - When they showed the TMZ article about John Cena's car accident, there was a little sidebar article about something with Shaq talking about white people. YOU ALMOST MADE WRESTLEMANIA SHAQ!
Flo Rida - Someone tell me who this is.
The camera guy, again - This time I'll say nice things. The Cena/Henry match gave us two very well-produced entrances. I've always loved the choice to give Cena a chance to say something to the camera as he comes out. John Cena's as close as we get to an Observer character; he's the guy who most frequently comments about other storylines. Giving us his perspective as he comes out to the ramp is a nice touch.
Mark Henry's entrance is spot-on as well. Henry's gimmick is "big fucking dude," and they get creative giving us the close up view of his back that really shows us just how big he is. He's obviously enormous, but that angle makes him look like a mountain.
The match - Mark Henry is the absolute perfect opponent for John Cena. Cena plays the underdog against everybody, which can be very grating. There's no reason why Miz would dominate Cena for 5 straight minutes. Henry's big, strong, and fast enough that it's completely believable. I was disappointed that this match ended clean. Henry deserves a main-event PPV match against Cena and maybe even a victory setting up another match.
The Rock - Rock promised a surprise after Cena's match. I saw Cena was facing Henry and all I could think was PLEASE GOD RE-FORM THE NATION OF DOMINATION. As it turns out, Rock's surprise was that he was going to come to the ring and not say anything. His best promo ever!
Storyline Consistency - The HHH/HBK/Taker thing? Has NONE of this. And they actually went out of their way to highlight it with a video package!
Two weeks ago: HBK surprises HHH, reveals he's the guest ref. HHH looks confused.
Last week: HBK teases taking over the match and screwing over Taker. HHH looks happy.
This week (SPOILER!): HBK teases screwing over Taker, HHH gets mad at him.
This is why we invented the word "overbooked."
Maria Menounos - That coveted Celebrity Gossip/Professional Wrestling overlap! She's retardedly good-looking, so I'll allow it.
Miz - He mentioned that King Kong Bundy had the biggest dropoff from main-eventing one Wrestlemania to the next. I investigated! I also submit:
- Brock Lesnar going from Kurt Angle at WM19 to the worst match ever with Goldberg at WM20.
- Randy Orton going from Triple H at WM25 to the opening match with Rhodes & Dibiase at WM26.
- Undertaker going from HBK at WM26 to a match that FINE OKAY I'LL STOP CRITICIZING IT
Sheamus - Part of the reason why Sheamus/Bryan has no storyline is that Sheamus' gimmick is absolutely nothing more than Ronald McDonald on steroids screaming OIL FOIT EM! He's basically gotten the same build as Broadus Clay, but the problem is that it's still going! They need to give this Wrestlemania title match something more.
Josh Matthews - Was standing WAY TOO CLOSE to Randy Orton. They were on this big stage off to the side of the entrance ramp, and Josh basically had his face in Orton's armpit.
Randy Orton - Tried to answer the ongoing question, "How much time...can one person...spend...saying...nothing?" I did like the interview format; it reminded me of what wrestling used to be.
Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger - Two blonde white guys feuding with two of the only black guys on the roster? I'd give anything for them to start calling themselves the Fourth Reich.
Kofi Kingston - I think it's a foregone conclusion that Team Johnny is going to win the match at Wrestlemania. Teddy as the GM will be two shows' worth of boring, and they've made a pretty big commitment to getting Big Johnny over. The 12-man match presents an opportunity for someone to turn heel and cost Teddy the win. How about a guy who's great in the ring and fucking desperate for a gimmick? KOFI KINGSTON, COME ON DOWN!
Aksana - Every time my penis tries to tell me she's good-looking, I have to remind myself that before she got into wrestling, she looked like this:
AHHH KILL IT WITH FIRE
HHH wrestling a house show match - Of course, that makes sense.
WWE showing HHH wrestling a house show match on television - NO THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. They don't wrestle on TV for a reason. Don't show HHH wrestling. Maybe it's a minor point, but it confused the hell out of me that they showed it.
The main event - i'm going to hate this i'm going to hate this
I didn't hate it! They didn't really progress the feud anywhere else, because there's nowhere else for it to go. In fact, they're already repeating themselves. But the big improvement from last year is that they are interacting. No long-winded promos where they talk to nobody. Fewer masturbatory video packages. They've provided a reason for this match, and that's what they're talking about. They aren't speaking in nonsense platitudes like they were last year. There's something concrete on the line, and they have reasons to fight each other. That makes it much better already. I'll maintain that this match is HHH's mid-life crisis, but I'll let it go. That said,
Ending the segment with HHH making his poopy face because Taker said HBK was better - WHAT IS THIS FUCKING MATCH ABOUT, SERIOUSLY
This week, I'm going to say all the same things I've been saying for the last 10 years, and you'll love it anyway.
I wasn't around to do STAWP last week, so I'll give you a nice quick haiku review of last Monday's show.
John Cena's stale! Boo!
Wait, he's doing his gimmick
from nine years ago? Yay!
Rock spent twenty-five
minutes calling Cena gay.
And then he sang Queen.
The Ryder/Eve thing
Is just really goddamn dumb.
Really goddamn dumb.
Dolph Ziggler's so good
at wrestling matches that he
botches his botches.
CM Punk gets to
re-do his indy angles.
Colt begs to drink bleach.
Sheamus/Bryan. They
have a Wrestlemania match!
Isn't that something?
ANYWAY! Let's get on with it.
CM Punk - I complained when he went into full snark mode for no reason, so I can't complain now that he's pretty much dong the exact opposite. What's jarring to me is that, for whatever reason, Punk always either goes on the full offensive or the complete defensive. One week it's "You have no balls and you're a dick and nobody likes you," and the next week it's (sad face). Jericho's the guy you should be insulting Punk, not poor sweet innocent John Laurinaitis!
Chris Jericho - This guy had an absolutely flaming Canadian accent coming out of him while he was pretending to be sincere. I couldn't get past it. I usually can't hear it that well, but every "sourry" and "aboot" had me in stitches.
Kane - Came out to hit a SUPER CHOKESLAM on Big Show, and then stayed in the back while his new made-up nemesis Randy Orton was talking? Not even a little "mind-game" pyro or mood lighting or anything? BOOO
King Hippo v. Little Mac - Sorry, I meant
Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes - ALL I COULD THINK OF WHILE THIS WAS HAPPENING
[video=youtube;p8bdk7JOTcE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8bdk7JOTcE[/video]
David Otunga - David Otunga The Awesomely Gimmicked Out-of-Ring Guy is having a huge effect on my perception of David Otunga the Wrestler. That gimmick is so good, I wouldn't have a problem if he won the U.S. title tomorrow.
With that in mind, he did beat the U.S. Champion this week...
Santino Marella - One of the perils of doing this review a day after the show is that sometimes I forget the details what happened the night before. I couldn't remember anything notable he did this week. Then I watched it on youtube. Then I immediately forgot again.
JOHN LAURINAITIS PLAYING THE INVISIBLE TROMBONE - JOHN LAURINAITIS PLAYING THE INVISIBLE TROMBONE
Lord Tensai - PRINCE ALBERT! Awesome. Although when the promo started and they showed a painted head, I literally said out loud, "...Goldust?" For some reason, I had a hankering for some Goldust...
(GUYS I can't find a picture of HHH from that one time he dressed as Goldust. Someone plz halp!)
The Rock - I'm going to say nice things about The Rock this week.
No really, I am.
This week was the first time I can remember The Rock making John Cena look important. It took way too long to get something positive out of him. So far all Rock has said about this match is "I'm fighting you because you're stupid and gay and a woman and a gay woman and fuck you and I'm like really tall." Meanwhile, John Cena had made SOME effort toward providing a serious reason for the match to happen with his empty arena promo. This week Rock invoked history. All he had to do was put John Cena alongside other legends and tell us why the match was important to him. That's all it took. And I enjoyed the flashback to Rock's 2001 promo where he stood in front of the Rocky statue just before he decided whether to re-join WWE or join the Alliance.
With that said, two less nice things:
Camera Guy - We know there are people in the crowd watching Rock. We can hear them laughing. You don't need to cut to them every 10 seconds.
Fat Mac - Definitely appreciates Rock shouting out "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." Rock, you know that's actually on Comedy Central Monday from 9-11, right? I almost flipped over out of principle.
Daniel Bryan - Every time Daniel Bryan kills somebody in 3 minutes, an angel gets its FUCKING HEAD KICKED IN
(clap clap clap clap clapclapclapclap)
AJ Jesus christ she's cute. I couldn't hate her if she put my dog in the oven. Which means, she's perfect for this role. But Bryan's gonna have to get a lot more abusive quickly if I'm going to support AJ costing him the title.
Zack Ryder - Wasn't he, like, near death last week? I thought he still had the crutches. Either way, it's strange having him come back like this with no fanfare. I do have to admit I loved the t-shirt.
WWE Shop calls it the "Statue of LiBROty." I would've gone with the StatWOO of Liberty, but hey, either way.
Shaquille O'Neal - When they showed the TMZ article about John Cena's car accident, there was a little sidebar article about something with Shaq talking about white people. YOU ALMOST MADE WRESTLEMANIA SHAQ!
Flo Rida - Someone tell me who this is.
The camera guy, again - This time I'll say nice things. The Cena/Henry match gave us two very well-produced entrances. I've always loved the choice to give Cena a chance to say something to the camera as he comes out. John Cena's as close as we get to an Observer character; he's the guy who most frequently comments about other storylines. Giving us his perspective as he comes out to the ramp is a nice touch.
Mark Henry's entrance is spot-on as well. Henry's gimmick is "big fucking dude," and they get creative giving us the close up view of his back that really shows us just how big he is. He's obviously enormous, but that angle makes him look like a mountain.
The match - Mark Henry is the absolute perfect opponent for John Cena. Cena plays the underdog against everybody, which can be very grating. There's no reason why Miz would dominate Cena for 5 straight minutes. Henry's big, strong, and fast enough that it's completely believable. I was disappointed that this match ended clean. Henry deserves a main-event PPV match against Cena and maybe even a victory setting up another match.
The Rock - Rock promised a surprise after Cena's match. I saw Cena was facing Henry and all I could think was PLEASE GOD RE-FORM THE NATION OF DOMINATION. As it turns out, Rock's surprise was that he was going to come to the ring and not say anything. His best promo ever!
Storyline Consistency - The HHH/HBK/Taker thing? Has NONE of this. And they actually went out of their way to highlight it with a video package!
Two weeks ago: HBK surprises HHH, reveals he's the guest ref. HHH looks confused.
Last week: HBK teases taking over the match and screwing over Taker. HHH looks happy.
This week (SPOILER!): HBK teases screwing over Taker, HHH gets mad at him.
This is why we invented the word "overbooked."
Maria Menounos - That coveted Celebrity Gossip/Professional Wrestling overlap! She's retardedly good-looking, so I'll allow it.
Miz - He mentioned that King Kong Bundy had the biggest dropoff from main-eventing one Wrestlemania to the next. I investigated! I also submit:
- Brock Lesnar going from Kurt Angle at WM19 to the worst match ever with Goldberg at WM20.
- Randy Orton going from Triple H at WM25 to the opening match with Rhodes & Dibiase at WM26.
- Undertaker going from HBK at WM26 to a match that FINE OKAY I'LL STOP CRITICIZING IT
Sheamus - Part of the reason why Sheamus/Bryan has no storyline is that Sheamus' gimmick is absolutely nothing more than Ronald McDonald on steroids screaming OIL FOIT EM! He's basically gotten the same build as Broadus Clay, but the problem is that it's still going! They need to give this Wrestlemania title match something more.
Josh Matthews - Was standing WAY TOO CLOSE to Randy Orton. They were on this big stage off to the side of the entrance ramp, and Josh basically had his face in Orton's armpit.
Randy Orton - Tried to answer the ongoing question, "How much time...can one person...spend...saying...nothing?" I did like the interview format; it reminded me of what wrestling used to be.
Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger - Two blonde white guys feuding with two of the only black guys on the roster? I'd give anything for them to start calling themselves the Fourth Reich.
Kofi Kingston - I think it's a foregone conclusion that Team Johnny is going to win the match at Wrestlemania. Teddy as the GM will be two shows' worth of boring, and they've made a pretty big commitment to getting Big Johnny over. The 12-man match presents an opportunity for someone to turn heel and cost Teddy the win. How about a guy who's great in the ring and fucking desperate for a gimmick? KOFI KINGSTON, COME ON DOWN!
Aksana - Every time my penis tries to tell me she's good-looking, I have to remind myself that before she got into wrestling, she looked like this:
AHHH KILL IT WITH FIRE
HHH wrestling a house show match - Of course, that makes sense.
WWE showing HHH wrestling a house show match on television - NO THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. They don't wrestle on TV for a reason. Don't show HHH wrestling. Maybe it's a minor point, but it confused the hell out of me that they showed it.
The main event - i'm going to hate this i'm going to hate this
I didn't hate it! They didn't really progress the feud anywhere else, because there's nowhere else for it to go. In fact, they're already repeating themselves. But the big improvement from last year is that they are interacting. No long-winded promos where they talk to nobody. Fewer masturbatory video packages. They've provided a reason for this match, and that's what they're talking about. They aren't speaking in nonsense platitudes like they were last year. There's something concrete on the line, and they have reasons to fight each other. That makes it much better already. I'll maintain that this match is HHH's mid-life crisis, but I'll let it go. That said,
Ending the segment with HHH making his poopy face because Taker said HBK was better - WHAT IS THIS FUCKING MATCH ABOUT, SERIOUSLY
