Sky "enjoys" the TNA Immortal Era

[Sky]

Impact October 7, 2010: Before the Glory - They're Coming... Later​

We cold open (ooh!) to Abyss dragging Dixie Carter along backstage, with both of them cuffed together (at least I think they're cuffed together - this segment is not well lit at all). Nobody in security helps Dixie, like, at all. Eventually they make it to the Impact Zone. "Can you smell it, Dixie?" -Abyss, noting the faint smell of piss in that soundstage in Orlando. He's able to wax lyrical about 10.10.10 without a mic, before being accosted by Eric Bischoff as well as Gunner and Murphy. Wait... the corrupt security specifically? Interesting. Very interesting. No one tries to help Dixie escape, though, and Abyss just... releases her? "Cut to commercial" -Bisch, before he's interrupted by the arrival of the Sting/Nash/Pope faction.

When we return, things have died down. Wisely, they let Pope do the initial talking. Guy just oozes charisma. However, the gist of his promo is "maybe Bischoff is good... maybe he isn't. After 10.10.10, it will make sense". Despite... claiming to already know it will happen on 10.10.10? Is Pope angling for a position in "them"? He says either that they're not "3 hungry lions" or "300 lions". Kevin Nash probably thinks he's 300 lions. Bisch tries to boil it down to Sting's feud with Hogan, to which Sting... agrees? I appreciate the honesty. Sting claims the only way this can be settled is by Hulk Hogan wrestling. Foreshadowing?

Jeff jarrett and Samoa Joe show up to throw hands, but Bisch holds them off. His answer is... no, Hogan won't be ready for 10.10.10. And to back himself up, they play footage of Hogan looking like a mess post-surgery and doctors expressing their doubts about him. No Hogan, but we're still getting a 3-on-2 handicap match, the not-Band vs. Joe and jarrett. Team Hogan is not thrilled at all.

We go out to the back when someone's getting out of a car. It's Mickie James! This is how you debut a new Knockout, just... with no fanfare at all. A long, long hype package for the World Title match at BFG follows. Team 3D are in New York, to announce that they're going to make an announcement. At BFG. So... that's fine, I guess. Brother Ray has the ultimate asshole voice. "New York mother truckin' city" -Ray, remembering he's not in ECW anymore (HardCORE Justice triggered a relapse).

Match 1: Angelina Love/Velvet Sky vs. Madison Rayne/Tara - for the Beautiful People name​

Madison's debuting a new look, brown-haired and glittery. We're getting ever closer to Killa Queen, and I'm hype for it. "The music kept playing because it's the same music" -Taz, noticing the same things I notice. "Never was there a song or a name at stake" -also Taz, forgetting the match in WCW for all the Harlem Heat trademarks, including the letter T. Madison and Tara turn themselves into uber heels by interrupting the OGs' entrance. Miss Tessmacher's watching and taking notes. Madison attempts a head scissors with just her ankles. A double kick finishes it and the original TBP have their brand once more.

Tessmacher, naturally, interrupts what she just saw. First of all, she announces the four-way again, to absolutely merciless WHAT chants. However, there's something new: there will be a special guest referee! And it's Mickie James! At least it was a surprise to the Impact Zone crowd. Her look seriously recalls Native American imagery in a way that feels uncomfortable. She immediately stakes her claim for the title, despite being a special guest ref.

We get a clip of Mick Foley hyping his book... in Boston. Hopefully this was pre-recorded, or he's late for his flight back. Dixie wants Bischoff to do something, and she wants him to do it later tonight. "I'll go find Abyss, and I'll tell him we're done" -that implies you were associated in the first place, doesn't it, Eric? Hmm? "I want you to do it in the ring, in front of everybody" -Dixie in the TNA parody porno on whatever she wants Bischoff to do.

Match 2: Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley - Last Man Standing​

Or is it a Falls Count Anywhere match? JB announced it as that. Apparently what Dixie wanted Bischoff to do was fire Abyss. Makes perfect sense. SoCal Val is remarkably dressed. These two broken old men don't bother to look like anything else but broken old men during their entrances. Flair wastes no time in untaping Foley's head and busting him open again. Mick responds by making odd sounds. ""Mick, your balls are big again" -Flair" -Tenay. Flair looks like he wants to become a guest commentator again, but Foley gives him the barbed wire bat treatment. Flair tosses Foley onto the concessions table, drawing genuine horrified reactions from commentary. It looked like he was about to miss completely. "Holy shit" chants lead to half the audio being blanked out.

During the break, Flair smacked Foley around with a copy of his own book. HUGE dueling chants. Crowd just wants these two old guys to attack each other. The Nature Boy is the one to bring out the thumbtacks. Which, according to the laws of wrestling, means he's the one to take the thumbtack bump. I feel bad for Flair. He was supposed to be retired two years ago, but here he is getting back body dropped into thumbtacks. He's also getting a barbed wire board kneed into him. Mick gets the tables. I'm shocked that there's been no ECW chants yet.

The next round of TNA chants comes from a 61-year-old man splashing a 45-year-old man through a table and on to thumbtacks. However, it's the younger Mick Foley (that feels weird to say) who gets to his feet before the ten. That was... well, would have been an incredibly fun hardcore match to watch, if these weren't two old guys obviously destroying their bodies even more than they are already. This, for the record, was Mick Foley's last ever singles match, and not a moment too soon. Ric tries to head off before he can kiss Foley's ass, before he gets called out on it. This doesn't happen, of course, because Fortune and EV2.0 show up to brawl. That was one hellacious way to set up the Lethal Lockdown! Commentary shows off the blood on their desk.

Bisch is out before EV2.0 can even make their exit. Goldfish-memory recap footage goes over his entrance. "This is one hell of a trainwreck right here" -Bischoff, on his time in TNA the broken stuff inside the ring. He wants to see Abyss out there, right now. He waits through commercial... but gets RVD instead! The man of unlimited overness insists that he not fire Abyss - because he'll walk out of the company if he doesn't get the chance to beat the Monster at his own Ball. He also says the boys in the back don't rely on management... to management. So, Abyss isn't getting fired, good to know.

We get a clip of EV2.0 outside the recent house show at the ECW Arena, and getting the love that only nostalgia-blinded mouth-breathers can give. One break later, Orlando Jordan is trying to teach Eric Young how to play carnival games, in a way that looks like all kinds of molestation. EY suggests they could be an all-time great tag team, proving that he's completely insane. This is a lead-in to the next match:

Match 3: Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) vs. Eric Young/Orlando Jordan​

Jobber entrance for the punks. Sigh. Also, they have pink mohawks for some reason. Orlando Jordan's theme is still one of the greatest never to be released. Someone @ Impact on Twitter and tell them to release it. EY looks weird with hair but no beard. He locks up with his own partner and tags in his opponent, and yet he's still over as a face. Taz uses the word "flaming" a lot to describe OJ. OJ brings out a shoulderbreaker - you don't see that move often these days. He then goes for a pin with his crotch in Jesse Neal's face. This is why I don't want to see him on TV, ever (well, actually, it's because he's completely boring when he's not Goldusting it up, but I guess there can be multiple reasons).

EY comes in, and it's just constant shenanigans. From throwing his opponent into his own partner, to pointing out when OJ has his foot on the ropes as the referee didn't notice, preventing him from winning. It's fun, but it's dumb. Dumb fun is still fun, but fun dumbness is still dumbness. OJ wins with a low blow, but EY goes on the mic to declare himself the leader of the team and forfeit the match. Huh?? This is setting up a match at BFG, apparently. That idea is over with the Impact Zone crowd, but not me.

We get a clip of Jay Lethal doing a Cribs-esque tour of his home in Elizabeth, NJ. These kind of things should stay on ReAction (you know, so the Impact matches don't end up on ReAction). Backstage, it's the RVD/Abyss/Bischoff/Dixie story again. Bischoff hands Dixie what he says is a termination waiver that declares Abyss fired on 10.11.10. Emphasis on what he says. I don't trust Bisch and neither should you.

Oh yeah... it's Shore. Oh no, it's Shore. Yes, it's Robbie E and Cookie (that is, the future Robert Stone and the former Becky Bayless). They spend their time looking as trashy as possible, as Robbie fist-pumps his way to the ring. They're obnoxious, and not the good kind of obnoxious. "There is zero hot girls in Florida" -Robbie E. Wait, Cookie's in Florida right now. "I have not seen one filthy gorilla since we've been in this damn town" -Cookie. What is that meant to mean? The crowd is absolutely SHITTING on this. "Boring" chants are the loudest thing in this promo. "What do you think Snooki and the Situation think about it?" -ssh, Tenay, you weren't supposed to reveal what they were ripping off yet.

We get a quick video package, which features a bunch of TNA guys talking. Notably, it includes the word "Immortals" followed by a picture of Hulk Hogan. If that isn't foreshadowing, I don't know what is.

Match 4: Abyss vs. AJ Styles vs. Alex Shelley vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Chris Sabin vs. D'Angelo Dinero vs. Douglas Williams vs. Eric Young vs. James Storm vs. Jay Lethal vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Jeff jarrett vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Jesse Neal vs. Kazarian vs. Kevin Nash vs. Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan vs. Max Buck vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Orlando Jordan vs. Raven vs. Rhino vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Robert Roode vs. Sabu vs. Samoa Joe vs. Shannon Moore vs. Sting vs. Tommy Dreamer - Bound for Glory Invitational Gauntlet Battle Royal for $100,000​

That has to be the longest match header I will ever type up. Also, yes, it's a Gauntlet Battle Royal now, because they didn't have time for all those jobber entrances and had to turn it into their discount Royal Rumble. Anderson out at #1, which may help his claims of Hogan's conspiracy against him... except that Angle's out at #2. And Jeff Hardy's out at #3. There's apparently a very short gap between entrants, because by the time I typed this up, AJ Styles has entered at #4. And by the end of the subsequent commercial break, Tommy Dreamer is in at #9. What's the point of having a Gauntlet Battle Royal if you don't have any countdowns?

Or eliminations? One entire segment later, there's been no eliminations. By the end of the SECOND commercial break, Abyss is out at #19. He's the first one to get any eliminations, taking out Doug Williams, Sabu, and Jay Lethal. Abyss must really hate the X DIvision. A nice spot happens after he's cleared out 6 different men - almost everyone dogpiles him in the corner, then Sting hits the Stinger Splash on the crowd! It's impossible to comment on battle royals like this to be honest - there's so much going on, and yet so little.

Naturally for a match involving 25+ people, this takes a long time, and so it spills out to ReAction. What's somewhat amusing (but also sad) is that the switchover happens while Pope is in mid-elimination. What seems to be the final four is the World Title contenders + Abyss, who has double figure eliminations at this point. After Hardy is eliminated, RVD's music hits, which shows that we all forgot that he was in the match. That has to be the furthest gap between entrances in this battle royal, at several minutes, which essentially reveals why they didn't do countdowns. Anyway, RVD and Abyss eliminate each other, Angle eliminates Anderson and gets the 100 grand. As Rumbles go, that wasn't hype at all. You know what is hype? BFG is up next!

Next up: Bound for Glory

Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson - World Title Tournament Final Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) (c) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) - for the World Tag Team Championship
Angelina Love (c) vs. Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky vs. Tara - for the Knockouts Championship (Special Guest Referee: Mickie James)
Jay Lethal (c) vs. Douglas Williams - for the X Division Championship
Fortune (AJ Styles/Kazarian/James Storm/Robert Roode/Matt Morgan) vs. EV2.0 (Tommy Dreamer/Rhino/Sabu/Raven/Stevie Richards) - Lethal Lockdown Match
Rob Van Dam vs. Abyss - Monster's Ball
The Band (Sting/Kevin Nash/D'Angelo Dinero) vs. Jeff jarrett/Samoa Joe - Handicap Match
Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) vs. Eric Young/Orlando Jordan​

 

[Chris]

They had pink mohawks bc October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

 

[Sky]

Bound for Glory 2010 - They're Here!​

10.10.10 has arrived! And we'll finally get to find out who is Abyss' "they", and so actually start the era this thread is named after. TNA, to their credit, try to pretend that everything's okay and this is a totally normal epic wrestling event in their opening video package. Said package is footage of their main faces over stock epic music. RVD has been away training in China or something. "One night will change everything"... for once, TNA actually means it. God, the Ocean Center crowd looks really nice. I see "Ten Ten Ten" signs with the N's being the Nexus logo. A little optimistic for a WWE invasion angle, are we? Or are they saying the TNA guys are glorified jobbers, like the Nexus? When the cameras are on Tenay and Taz at their booth, a fan behind them punches his friend and poses.

They also casually drop the bombshell that the main event is No DQ, so a winner is guaranteed. Doesn't matter for now, let's get to the first match!

Match 1: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) (c) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) - for the World Tag Team Championship​

Ooh, that's rough. I mean, I get that you want to hype up the crowd early, but that's telling everyone that the tag titles are only useful for curtain jerking. Bucks' music doesn't even start until halfway through their entrances. Max says something inaudible to the camera. Sabin's wearing stegosaurus pricks on his hood. Guns are all... guns blazing at the start, with some really cool "stepping stone" corner elbows followed by a really weird, sorta-jackknife pin that doesn't seem to apply that much pressure. Shelley spits on his face for a knife-edge chop. Is that supposed to make it more effective? Sabin runs across the ring apron and absolutely PUNTS Jeremy in the face. He might be dead.

Meanwhile, Max is taking that one Guns move with a lot of dropkicks and a neck crank. A double suicide dive gets the first mid-match TNA chants of the night. Shelley learns a big lesson of tag team wrestling: don't go to the top rope unless BOTH of your opponents are down, or else you get leg-swept, land on your balls, and become open to that deadly double hung DDT. I want to talk about that Bucks move where they both do a backflip and hit sandwiching dropkicks. What does the flip add to it? It's like something Lacey Von Erich would do. Shelley does a top rope double stomp and i actually cringe in pain. The period after Sabin tags in is full of too many hype spots to mention here.

Shelley attempts a slingshot forearm but seemingly just breaks his wrist. He later hits a German suplex that looks like it might make his opponent land on their head, which is a terrifying prospect. Shelley does later make up for it with a flatliner/DDT combo hitting both Bucks at the same time. That always looks good even though it isn't flashy. Bucks' standing moonsault/springboard splash still doesn't get the pin, and looks like it must be a nightmare to coordinate. How do you not land on top of each other? Bucks set up More Bang For Your Buck, but Shelley gets his knees up, Sabin steps off Jeremy to give Max a release German suplex off the top rope. Skull and Bones finishes it and the Guns are #AndStill again. That was... wow. Gonna be a tough act to follow.

Madison Rayne is "critiquing" Christy Hemme's hair during the interview with her and Tara. "Bozo the Clown called, he wants his hair dye back, you phony bitch" -the former fake blonde. She seems to be very confident that Tara will obey her as reward for Madison letting her wrestle again. She's still got the TBP airhead genes, clearly, given that she doesn't understand how a four-way match works. "Mickie James, you think you can just walk into TNA and become the new honey of the Knockouts division?" -Madison, who should understand how TNA works by now. Apparently Miss Tessmacher is officially the head of the Knockouts. "Angel in a love" -Tess. Good start.

Match 2: Angelina Love (c) vs. Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky vs. Tara - for the Knockouts Championship (Special Guest Referee: Mickie James)​

Mickie is way over, and she looks great in black and white. Killa Queen is finally here! ...but only an instrumental. Taz repeatedly notes that this isn't a tag match during the entrances... but it turns out it's one of those four-way matches, where it's only 2 in at a time and you have to tag your opponents. Madison immediately does the smart thing and tags out so it's Love/Sky and they have to fight it out. Mild "We want Mickie" chants. Madison screams at Mickie when informed she only has till five. "That very large pectoral region of Tara" -Taz, noting that Tara's outfit has a pectoral region window.

There's a vertical suplex attempt where it's not clear who's the aggressor. (Turns out it's Tara, and not Velvet). The ending sequence involves a cavalcade of finishers: Botox Injection -> Rayne Drop -> jumping DDT... but the Widow's Peak attempt fails. No matter, though, as Tara goes for a roll-through pin. This is a weird one, because (1) she's got a handful of tights and Mickie should clearly see this, and (2) she's very clearly applying no pressure at all on Velvet.

Still, it works. New Knockouts Champion - Tara. Tara's expression is something like "shit, I didn't mean to do that. Madison's going to ruin me now". Madison does indeed scream at Tara, but she's slapped round by Mickie James, who gets her theme played as the match ends. Guess the winner is... the referee?

Christy interview number 2 is with Eric Young. He's got "tattoos" with a bunch of shit drawn on him with marker pen, including a poorly formed anchor and the word "pornstar" in that sort of CM Punk way. Apparently he thinks Orlando Jordan sees him as a father figure. "Who cares if he's bi...........polar?" -EY. I am not exaggerating the pause. OJ shows up in white curtain material.

Match 3: Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal) vs. Eric Young/Orlando Jordan​

Ink Inc. still have pink mohawks (apparently this is for breast cancer awareness). EY is the first person to happily accept OJ's lollipop. EY... tags in for the ref and starts counting pins? What is with this guy? I say it in the best possible way. The match, except for EY's contributions, is fairly humdrum, which is honestly as much as I'd expect from a bout involving two WWE-OVW guys. EY completely ignores OJ's attempts to set up a double-team move and waits for him to leave the ring. He then gets rolled up, congratulates Moore on getting him down for two, and high-fives everyone. Which tags OJ in.

Ink Inc. manage to crotch both of their opponents on the ropes at the same time. OJ grinds himself on Moore then produces a shoddy-looking spinebuster. EY is holding the "Rule Book" for some reason. He kicks OJ's hand away when he tries to hold the ropes for leverage. After some disagreements, EY uses his entire finishing sequence, complete with elbow drop, to his own partner. This leaves OJ a sitting duck for Ink Inc. to come in and get the pin and win. EY raises the hands of his opponents. Why was this on PPV?

Christy interview number 3: Jeff Hardy, who appears to be wearing the tartan of the Hardy clan on his face. "Someone's gonna suffer an unfortunate Twist of Fate" -Hardy, possibly foreshadowing. Otherwise, he's just Going To Win The Upcoming Match, so nothing else special there.

Match 4: Jay Lethal (c) vs. Douglas Williams - for the X Division Championship​

I'm disappointed Doug didn't keep that theme from No Surrender, and no one else used it either. Commentary talks about invoking his return match clause - shouldn't that be revoked since Lethal lost and regained the title in the interim? I haven't commented on the screens in the Ocean Centre: they're absolutely huge, and display a lot of different things during entrances, so I feel they add a lot to the presentation. I miss this level of presentation from this company. The first sequence of this match is Doug applying a wristlock while Lethal flips about, which I think is a good microcosm of their styles.

It's pointed out that Doug has the Williams family crest on his tights - actually, it's the crest of the Irish Williams family, not the English one. Lethal gets turned completely inside out by a lariat. What was the rationale for slowing down the X Division by making Doug a dominant figure? It doesn't make sense. The X Division is supposed to be the cornerstone of your company's existence, so why turn it into Just Another Belt? Lethal kicks out of Chaos Theory (which I feel was one of the most protected finishers in the company up to this point).

Finish comes soon after, when Lethal capitalises on a failed rana attempt to roll up Doug for the pin. This is treated as a huge stolen victory, given how quick Doug is up and ranting about how that was never three all the way up the ramp. Lethal goes up to celebrate with the fans. You've got a proper home-grown face here! How on earth did you manage to get him to leave the company in six months' time? How, TNA? I immediately realise how as he's attacked by Robbie E and Cookie, promoed on, and made to look like a loser.

Video package for RVD/Abyss, and I'm reminded that the Monster wants to strip the flesh off of RVD's ass.

Match 5: Rob Van Dam vs. Abyss - Monster's Ball​

Apparently the Monster's Ball is no rules. Does this mean pins don't count? Abyss lays Janice on the commentary table - you want to be careful with that, Chris. You don't know what kind of shit Mike "Deathmatch King" Tenay is capable of. Abyss' brief promo has him mention that 10.10.10 "happens once a century". Isn't that the case for every date? RVD out in a shirt. "We drove 15 hours 2 C RVD" sign in the crowd. I feel sorry for those people. RVD tries to get in all of his proper-wrestling spots early, with a slingshot leg drop and a top rope spinning heel kick. It looks like it'll be over before it's begun with RVD setting up for the frog splash, but Abyss rolls out of the way and he has to settle for a crossbody to the outside.

Abyss' first offense is a shoulder takedown, and RVD sells it more than Abyss sold that hellaciously flashy beating. Doesn't matter because he's soon recovered enough to bulldog the Monster through a barbed wire board. He then Rolling Thunders himself into the board. At one point, we have said barbed wire board propped between the guardrail and one side of the ring, and a table propped in a similar way on another side of the ring. I'm just disappointed that no one propped a table on the third side to make it symmetrical. A Rolling Thunder over the top rope and to the outside breaks the table, causing the camera to go full-Kevin Dunn mode in order to find Abyss' face.

We look like we're about to see a Van Terminator broken out, but Abyss gets up, and throws the chair at RVD's face, which throws him back and through the barbed wire board, breaking it and landing on the outside... I'm pretty sure that spot alone took a couple of years off Rob's life. He looks for a while like he's out. Abyss makes the mistake of propping up a barbed wire board in the corner, which I don't think has ever not ended with him being pushed into it. Anyway, RVD pushes him into it. He then moves the board so the barbed wire points towards Abyss' face and Van Terminators him that way. They really are killing each other.

I like how RVD sells a missed Five-Star Frog Splash. Abyss brings Janice into play, and we get the first time Janice is ever successfully used on-screen. Unfortunately for Abyss, it's by RVD, who takes the weapon and swings it right into his nuts. A kick and a frog splash finishes it in the face's favour. The part of me that hasn't watched this in a while is amazed that Abyss manages to go the entire match without anyone from "they" showing up... But it seems it's going to be later, according to Abyss.

Another video package, this time about Sting and his not-Band hating Hogan for mysterious reasons. We get once again that camera shot where the rain's falling up. I start to think it was shown that way intentionally. I also start to admire the juxtaposition of Abyss' warnings about "they" with Sting's warnings about a conspiracy in TNA.

Match 6: The Band (Sting/Kevin Nash/D'Angelo Dinero) vs. Jeff jarrett/Samoa Joe - Handicap Match​

The heels all come out to Sting's music. Tenay still refuses to put two and two together regarding "they" and Sting's conspiracy. Joe and Pope start out, and I'm left hoping that no one ever tags in or out. Pope's shoulderblock flies a ridiculous amount - it needs to be seen to be believed. jarrett pats Joe on the back, and apparently that doesn't count as a tag-in. Stinger Splash is countered into a uranage, which will always look cool and impactful. Joe and Sting brawl on the outside, which is followed by the heels(?) all taking it in turns to beat on Joe. Got to be honest, this isn't how I would have booked it.

It looks like jarrett's about to be the hot tag, but when it looks like it should happen... he just drops off the apron and walks away. Thus ends one of the least convincing face runs of all time. The rest is just a beatdown to Joe, ending with a Jackknife that looks just like Nash dropped him.

Christy's interview time, and it's Anderson. "OpporTuniTy" -MisTer Anderson. He facetiously apologises to everyone who's ever known Kurt Angle. Angle punched Anderson in the nuts - "not just the left one, but the right one". He's mostly focusing on how he's going to retire Angle tonight. A weird variation on the usual promo. You Are Going To Lose The Upcoming Match?

Team 3D's announcement time! "You crazy mother truckers" -Brother Ray. You're on PPV. Say fuck. It's so jarring for him to act like a face when he was feuding with his own brother before the whole ECW reunion thing happened. He takes a long time to say what the point is: that Team 3D is retiring. They want one more match, and that one more match is going to be against MCMG for the titles. That's it, really. The rest is just playing to the crowd. Ray didn't even mention this to fellow ex-ECW guy Taz.

We see in the background referees preparing to raise the cage for Lethal Lockdown, so it's convenient that we go to a video package for Lethal Lockdown. "EV2.0 is a gimmick that didn't work" -Ric Flair, speaking sense for once. Christy's surrounded by the Fortune... Six. She looks positively thrilled to have muscular men all around her. Each heel relates how his team is Going To Win The Upcoming Match - that was a decent bit of stalling, all things considered.

Match 7: Fortune (AJ Styles/Kazarian/James Storm/Robert Roode/Matt Morgan) vs. EV2.0 (Tommy Dreamer/Rhino/Sabu/Raven/Stevie Richards) - Lethal Lockdown Match​

Sadly no Brian Kendrick. I rate Fortune's chances even more because they're wearing matching blue ring gear. Taz is hyped for Fortune, despite being an EV2.0 member. Flair and Foley, each accompanying their team to the ring, have to be separated from fighting each other. Kazarian and Stevie start - I guess that means they're slowly building. Taz later explains his dislike of EV2.0: "It was a different time". Five minutes of nothing pass before AJ Styles makes his entrance. Dueling chants strangely favour AJ over Stevie. Wait, no, not "strangely favour". "Obviously favour".

Everyone seems to be going for submissions, even though the referee isn't in the ring. "Pumphandle suplex - which I think he stole from me, but that's another story" -Taz on Tommy Dreamer. A pretty cool spot follows - they do the standard superplex-powerbomb spot, but Kazarian's foot, while being superplexed, kicks Dreamer in the head. Commentary inexplicably passes it off as accidental. Dreamer bleeds heavily even though the weapons aren't even in play yet. Ric Flair throws punches through the camera hole - why not pass a pen through it, for good measure? There's blood on one of the cameras.

For some reason, Sabu's entrance is booed. This is nowhere near as wild or exciting as it could be so far. Raven gives Kazarian the snot-rag treatment in easily the most hardcore thing that's happened so far. Raven and Stevie make the dumb mistake of rushing at Matt Morgan as he comes in. He gives Sabu a cage-side powerbomb that must destroy a man's spine. Rhino enters about half a second early - isn't that a DQ? Flair and Foley distract from the cage roof lowering by brawling on the outside, even briefly disrupting commentary.

Taz calls a nightstick a billy club - "it's 1920 again". Too many weapon shots to the head to count. The cage door is broken open for the second time in a couple of weeks - this time by a Carbon Footprint followed by Kazarian being tossed into it - and now the brawl is being taken to the outside. Several Mankind-esque falls off the top of the cage are teased. Kaz looks like he's about to do the Jeff Hardy cage-ladder spot, but suddenly Brian Kendrick emerges from under tarp! He's been on the roof all this time! I like this twist! He backdrops Kaz through the table, and then begins to meditate. The finish is in the cage, though, as Dreamer hits a top rope Dreamer Driver on to a chair and pins AJ Styles to give EV2.0 the win. The build was too slow, but the meat of the match was fun.

The final Christy interview goes to Kurt Angle, who doesn't want to give an interview. "Hulk, this one's for you" -Angle, who was hopefully not trying to set off death retirement flags. As we wait for them to clear up the mess left by the Lethal Lockdown, we get a music video about the three guys about to fight in the main event. That's one way to stall four minutes. "There's going to be no shenanigans, no tomfoolery" -Taz, tempting fate.

Match 8: Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson - World Title Tournament Final No Disqualification, No Count-Out Career Threatening Match for the vacant World Heavyweight Championship​

Oh hey, it's Another Me! Hardy's best ever theme debuts at this PPV, and it still gets cheered because they've not yet learned to associate it with a heel. Thanks to the higher roof at the Ocean Center, it takes Anderson longer to drop his mic. He still does his announcement, even though JB has already done it for him. It's only during the introductions for this main event that I notice the screen is partially transparent. That's a great touch, and it gives the big-match feel.

After a brief interplay between Hardy and Anderson, Angle takes control, downing both guys. First cool move of the match is Angle pulling a double German Suplex on both men, stacking them up and surprisingly not breaking anyone's neck. He does manage to damage that region, though, when he gets backdropped to the outside by Hardy, rolls through and smacks his face on the floor mats. At one point, Angle waits under Hardy while he misses a Swanton on Anderson. It looked like Angle was trying to hit Hardy with some sort of move but missed his cue. We get the superplex-powerbomb spot again, this time with Anderson as the beneficiary.

We're seven minutes in and already Angle has his straps down. It's worth it, though, as he manages to get an ankle lock on both of his opponents. A top rope Green Bay Plunge looks like it'll finish it, until Hardy Swantons himself on to the pin attempt! That looks cool and dangerous! Angle's not to be outdone, hitting a top rope Angle Slam. This really is a finisher storm. Swanton pin attempt into ankle lock into Mic Check... And then a moonsault by Angle! As if things weren't chaotic enough, we get a ref bump!

...and now we have Eric Bischoff with a chair! He looks like he's about to bash both Hardy and Anderson, until Hulk Hogan shows up on crutches. "Hollywood Hogan is Back" sign in the crowd... that's gonna be too close to home pretty soon. Hogan tells Hardy to fight Bischoff, crutch-to-crutch... but Hardy hits Angle with the crutch instead! Hogan approves of this. Another crutch shot by Anderson follows, along with a Twist of Fate, and Bischoff drags the referee into the ring and kicks him until he makes the count...

New World Heavyweight Champion - Jeff Hardy.

No one can believe what they're seeing. Crowd is throwing garbage into the ring. Jeff jarrett and Abyss both show up to celebrate alongside Hogan, Bischoff, and Hardy, who have the shit-eatingest grins on right now. RVD attempts to reason with Hardy, but eats a belt shot. The closing shot is of the new faction, celebrating taking Hardy to the world title, and as we fade out and I remind you that I'll see you next Impact, things are clear. Not just that "they" are here, but after nine months of build...

The Immortal Era has officially begun!

 

[Chris]

This feels like a major thread milestone

 

[Sky]

Impact October 14, 2010 - You Can't Kill Me, I'm Immortal

This writeup is dedicated to the memory of TNA Legend, Puppet the Psycho Dwarf. He probably thought this episode was shit.​

Well, that sure was a turn-up at Bound for Glory, wasn't it? The people I've been hating on for most of this rewatch turned out to be the heels of this story! The opening package, of course, is entirely dedicated to the massive bombshell. The first piece of new footage we see is Eric Bischoff talking to Dixie's lawyer. The lawyer makes the not entirely unreasonable accusation that the termination waiver that Dixie signed was something else entirely. Which makes the even more reasonable implication that Dixie Carter is in the habit of signing contracts without reading them. "You want to fight it out in court?... See you in about 5 1/2, 6 years" -Bischoff, foreshadowing Jarrett v. Anthem. "You haven't seen the last of me, Eric" -the no-name extra.

Hogan and Bischoff out to start, and to my surprise, there's still a few people cheering Hogan. Perhaps the teenage girl demographic likes bad boys. According to Tenay, the contract that Dixie signed unseats her as President and gives Hogan and Bischoff full control. Big "Hogan" chants?? Followed by "Hogan sucks" chants?? These fans are fickle. Hogan feels conned into coming to TNA and not having absolute creative control (none of what he says is a work).

In a clear case of stating the obvious, Bisch tells us Abyss was in on it, and so the Monster gets to join in the celebration. Abyss does Abyss things before Hogan lauds him as his son. Guess who's here too? Jeff jarrett. Interesting that Bisch mentions they didn't see eye to eye initially, which implies that jarrett's humiliation wasn't part of the con. The crowd shits on jarrett's promo, producing a mixture of "Joe's gonna kill you" chants and silence.

Just when you think enough people have been talking, Ric Flair and Fortune show up! A cursory look at their tron reveals that it's officially not spelled "Fourtune" anymore. Ric's squad gets a pretty good reaction, and when I first watched this, a small part of me hoped that this was a face turn for Fortune. Flair reckons all the members of his faction are ready to die for the cause. Hogan and Flair look like they're about to square up... then they hug! He's aligned Fortune with Hogan, and I feel my heart sink. Flair was convinced to fight against Dixie Carter after she brought in EV2.0... Same, Ric. Same.

The final man to join this heel lovefest: the new World Champion, Jeff Hardy! Just an aside: Another Me is a fucking great heel theme. He blames the fans for... him doing flippy shit? Huh? Hogan's new faction cares about his future. RVD is "just another asshole I know that won't admit to being an ass kisser, just another politician", according to Hardy. What could this be a reference to? Some WWE guy? Anyway, Hardy's championship win couldn't have happened without Abyss attacking RVD - this is true, given his well-established attitude to dropping the title to anyone not as old as him. At last, Immortal gets its name officially. Just when you thought we were done with talking after 22 minutes straight of talking, Sting and Nash are watching in the back, and Bisch calls them down.

After a break - and a shot of Dixie Carter arriving with security - we get their arrival. At this point, they're struggling to fit everyone in the ring, with jarrett and James Storm sitting on turnbuckles. Bisch is willing to put aside their differences because it's best for business. He sounds like he's about to say WWE needs them for a moment (partial foreshadowing?). Nash admits to being a self-serving money-loving prick before, but pretends he's not the same now. Essentially, what Nash and Sting are saying is that they want nothing to do with this shit anymore and they're walking out. Nice touch with them giving each other the Too Sweet as they leave.

That opening segment ate up 30 minutes of time - and we're not yet done with the talking! Pope meets with his not-Band partners, who suggest he join them. In a great example of "faces are idiots", he declines and says he's going to fight for the Cause alone. Dixie shows up and is like "Dudes, what the fuck??". Sting apparently tried to warn her, but she makes the great point that he talked in cryptic bullshit rather than say "You know, Hogan and Bischoff are trying to destroy TNA". This segment continues with Hogan and Bischoff accosting Dixie, which leads to Dixie slapping the smiling fucking mug (yep, that gets a pop from me). They're going to take it to Hogan's office... Oh, joy. More talking and more Hogan.

We're back to the office of mediocrity. "Did you intentionally try to screw me?" -Dixie. You know, I'd have loved it if this were a complete accident and Hogan didn't even intend to become head of TNA. She never really trusted Bischoff - maybe she's completely sane and my digs at her being a terrible businesswoman were wrong. "You little smug shit" -Dixie to Bisch. That's another genuine pop from me. Eventually, Gunner and Murphy drag her off - and Gunner decks her husband for good measure. Some nobody shows up in a car with no number plates. Tenay later clarifies that this is JWoww. So you've got two fake Jersey Shore members in, and now you've got a real Jersey Shore member in? Milking someone else's cow, aren't we, TNA?

FINALLY we get something unrelated to Immortal - Madison Rayne shows up, dragging a referee with her. She went to the "shout really loudly" school of acting. Basically, Madison isn't happy with Tara winning the title instead of her. Myself, I'm mostly unhappy that the pin wasn't even a pin and supposed face referee Mickie James ignored this. "You owe me" -Madison, repeatedly. "Do the right thing" -Madison, again repeatedly. Seemingly to stop Madison from repeating herself, Tara agrees to put the title up in a match. The first match of the night, after nearly an hour (including ad breaks) of nothing! I bet it's going to be a barn-burner!

Match 1: Tara (c) vs. Madison Rayne - for the Knockouts Championship​

Tara just... lays down. New Knockouts Champion - Madison Rayne. Madison didn't even have the common courtesy to pull off a Fingerpoke of Doom before pinning her. She celebrates like she's won every women's belt in the world at the same time. She's about to pull off another disingenuous promo before Mickie James shows up and trashes this segment like the trash it is. She wants to go for the title right now, but Madison sics Tara on her (which proves ineffective) and runs.

The Beautiful People now! They're getting all made up (I doubt they're on this show apart from this segment, but okay) and Lacey is still here. JWoww shows up and asks for Cookie, because she heard that some nobody called Cookie's been talking shit. If she's such a nobody, why did JWoww show up on this wrestling show to deal with her? Anyway, the original TBP are down to deal with Cookie, and Lacey is down to go shopping with this Z-lister. Just Lacey things. After the break, they're still looking, Eric Young shows up and tries to appeal to JWoww, and Orlando Jordan fails to get her to accept his lollipop. "Jersey Shore sucks" -OJ. What the fuck, I love him now.

Kurt Angle is out! No entrance music, and he looks like he's been attacked already. HUGE "please don't go" chants. He wants to know why Hogan and Bischoff did it... although they already explained this. He also opens the door to weaseling out of his retirement because he's never been pinned. Shouldn't you have retired on the Impact after No Surrender, then, given the double pin result? Then, Jeff jarrett to gloat about having taken everything away from Kurt - including his family! - and ruined his life. "You can have that slut" -Angle on Karen jarrett. Jj joined Immortal simply to shit on Kurt, for the crime of... not worshipping him when he first came into TNA? No, me neither.

They brawl and Gunner and Murphy break it up... by handcuffing Angle. So, security is pro-Immortal now. jarrett's allowed to continue beating on Angle, even tossing him into a wall neck first. It takes Taz - a fellow neck injury victim - stepping off the broadcast table to stop jarrett from hurting Angle even more. If that's what it takes, why hasn't Taz tried to stop any other beatdowns? Video package of Samoa Joe on Daytona Beach saying he made a mistake trusting jarrett - much like everyone else who ever trusted jarrett.

Match 2: Abyss vs. Samoa Joe​

It'll be interesting to see if this match goes over 10 seconds. Tenay is incredulous about the Immortal name. Joe right in there, doing his standard beatdown spots. How are this 282-pound man's enzuigiris so good? Abyss tries to introduce a chair, but Joe flies out with a suicide forearm. I get that it's supposed to hit the chair into Abyss, but doesn't that just hurt your arm? The Monster then grabs the timekeeper's bell and smacks Joe with it, but is gracious enough to put it back so it can be rung to signal the DQ. The beatdown continues until RVD shows up! Joe's busted open but waves off medical attention - nice touch!

RVD's grabbing a FUCKING MIC, but he's not here to talk to Abyss - he's talking to Jeff Hardy and wants an apology. What he gets is a pre-taped video promo where the champion talks some cryptic nonsense. "Some are even referring to me as the new Antichrist of Professional Wrestling" -Hardy. Wait, who's referring to you as that? You made that up for yourself. Bisch reckons what would please RVD is a shot at the title. He's going to get it if he can beat Anderson in a Number 1 Contender's match. Finally, some actual storytelling around here...

And if you hadn't had enough Bischoff yet, we go to the back where he's talking to Miss Tessmacher. She uses her wiles to please Bischoff... but then gets rejected. Apparently, because she's been easy with Nash and Pope, she doesn't get to be Head of the Knockouts anymore. (Interesting, given that she only really performed one act as the Head of the Knockouts.) To earn her keep, she's got to wrestle. "Miss Tessmacher: Wrestler", huh? Certainly doesn't sound as bad as "Lacey Von Erich: Wrestler". Anderson then shows up and assesses Bischoff as not an asshole, but a douchebag. What's the scale here? Does it go prick -> asshole -> douchebag? What's the level above douchebag, in that case? I'd prefer to listen to Anderson explain that, rather than more Hogan/Bischoff.

Match 3: D'Angelo Dinero vs. Fortune (AJ Styles/James Storm/Robert Roode/Kazarian/Douglas Williams) - Handicap Match​

Pope's money rain rating: wait, why are they still funding this if Immortal runs the show and Pope's against Immortal? It's 1v5 - I'm surprised Fortune didn't go the whole hog and add Matt Morgan to the competitors. This surprisingly is not just a glorified beatdown of Pope - he does very well against Doug, Kaz, and AJ. But when he goes for his backslide move thing, he eats a Carbon Footprint and the result seems beyond any doubt. AJ chooses to toy with Pope rather than pin him - this is a rare example of Heels Are Dumb, as this lets Pope back in, where he takes advantage of various miscommunications to almost win. A referee distraction and DWI means the heels win again, though. They keep attacking, because why not at this stage!

We're reminded that TBP/JWoww and the Shore are on a collision course, and so Robbie E and Cookie show up to heat that would make even X-Pac think "well, that's excessive". "Shore = Bore" sign in the crowd. "Right now, we're on at the same time as the Jersey Shore, bro" -Robbie E. Wait. If you're trying to get crossover appeal, why in the fuck would you do it with a show that you're running against??? Crowd is absolutely shitting on this until JWoww shows up - after which they proceed to shit on it even more. JWoww looks genuinely gotten to by Cookie's comments - if she weren't told in advance that this was scripted, she'd probably be throwing hands legit. They do have a cat fight, though, and TBP get to clown on Robbie E for good measure.

They waste some more time giving recaps of everything that's happened so far, before showing Mr. Anderson warming up for the main event.

Match 4: Mr. Anderson vs. Rob Van Dam - World Heavyweight Championship Number 1 Contender's Match​

I've heard of cutting it ridiculously fine, but by the time JB says "the following contest..." there's around four minutes to go. Even more time is wasted with RVD warming up. The bell rings after the break... and they just stare each other down. This Is Wrestling! (clap, clap, clapclapclap). RVD gives this match its pace, because Anderson's kind of a pure brawler. I'd call his style "Austin-esque", but people actually cared when Austin worked a match. We're 2 minutes in before the main event bleeds into ReAction. That means that, by my count, we've had 8 whole minutes of match time over the space of 2 hours. And that's a very generous estimate.

Let me repeat that: The 2 hours of Impact featured 8 minutes of match time. And hardly any of that could be counted as wrestling.

We go to ReAction, and... it's essentially just what you'd expect from a house show match between RVD and Anderson. Except that it's on TV, and so important that it had to run in to your third hour. We don't even get a proper finish! Bischoff shows up, tells the referee to abandon the match, then Jeff Hardy shows up and gives them both chair shots. He does do a pretty interesting move where he gives the Twist of Fate to RVD so he lands on Anderson's Pillmanised arm, but that's about it. Overall? Fuck this show, fuck all of it. I don't blame you if the thought of this show turned you off continuing. See you next Impact, or maybe not.

 

[Sky]

Impact October 21, 2010 - A Whole New World Order​

There's very little material for the opening recap, given that the last Impact was almost entirely talking. But what important talking it was - basically, Hogan and Bischoff control the transmission, and this is basically just the nWo again, only 13 years after the nWo was ever "cool". Episode title is "Rob Van Damned!!!" (exclamation marks not mine). What did I say about spoiling the entire episode with a title? Now we all know that something bad's happening to RVD. Again.

Our first view of a rather subdued Impact Zone has Mr. Anderson entering with his arm in a sling. Thankfully it isn't his mic-grabbing arm, or else he'd be useless. Anderson's in serious mode, calling Jeff Hardy to the ring (including instructing him to put panties on his arms). He doesn't get Hardy, but instead gets RVD, who is like "I was here first, get in line". Crowd treats this like a heel turn for RVD, but really, it's just yet another example of the "faces are idiots" trend. Surely you should be united against Immortal? Hardy shows up on the tron to facetiously ask for forgiveness. The usual insincere-sounding "acting" that Hardy employs is actually working in his favour here. Good job, TNA.

Eric Bischoff comes out, and fake-asks for forgiveness too - but first plugs ReAction, where he and Hogan are going to spend the whole show explaining how they took over the company. I can't believe they're able to stretch "We played backstage politics and treated Dixie Carter for the fool she is" to an hour. He wants to make it up to RVD and Anderson, so he gives them two big opportunities. For Anderson, it's a match against Kazarian... in Ultimate X... while he's still got one arm. And RVD's going to be teaming with Sabu to face Beer Money, which doesn't sound too bad until the smiling fucking mug telegraphs that Sabu's going to betray his partner.

Oh, so that was a cold open? We get the intro now. Mickie James makes her in-ring debut vs. Sarita tonight. Should be a good match if it gets time... which it won't. We get footage from TMZ cameras harassing Robbie E and Cookie. I know TMZ are Z-list muck-rakers extraordinaire, but why do they care about these nobodies? Bisch's mind games have gotten to RVD, as we get a shot of the EV2.0 locker room where he's harassing the others about being the traitor. I wouldn't mind seeing a game of Among Us between this lot. "Rhino... you seem kinda sus". We get a recap of Robbie E/Cookie vs. JWoww, and then they show more TMZ footage. This is sad.

Match 1: Robbie E vs. Amazing Red​

Speaking of sad, jobber entrance for Red. This very recent TNA X Division Champion is not even getting his entrance on TV. He's reviving his Asylum-era gear, it seems. Crowd absolutely trashes everything Robbie E does, with "Boring" chants constantly. And that's most of the match, because, somehow, this is a squash. You are burying Red by giving him about one offensive move against this guido loser joke. Come on. Seems his finishing move is fist pumping and giving a Diamond Cutter, and in under two minutes, it's over. The two insufferable dickheads promo after the match, Robbie calling out Jay Lethal. "Jersey's in the house, bitches!" -Cookie. Get out of the house. Please.

We get an "earlier this week" from the Pope, who's in a strip club in Harlem. I'm shocked that we can hear what he's saying over the music. That's not my experience with... such establishments. He's here to talk about Immortal, and so he's challenged "the man with the title", AJ Styles, to a fight. So, in the space of a month, he's gone from fighting for the World Title to fighting for the TV title. We get a clip from Mick Foley's book signing, with Brian Kendrick showing up to mark out and talk about his weird interpretation... of an autobiography. Guess that EV2.0 stint didn't work out, huh? "Make it out to Spanky, please" -Kendrick. Heh.

Fortune absolutely aren't sweating any of the matches their members have tonight. Storm calls RVD "STD". Flair gets iced or something. I have no idea how these drinking games work. Bisch shows up to clarify something about AJ's match coming up - sure, it's a Street Fight, but if anyone from Fortune interferes, he forfeits his title. Notice the loophole there. "Anyone from Fortune". As exploitable proclamations go, it's no "no man of woman born".

Meanwhile, Miss Tessmacher is begging TBP to train her to wrestle. It would be too easy to write a joke here, so I won't. Velvet and Angelina are indignant but Lacey wants to give it a go - okay, I'll bite. Lacey training Tess isn't just the blind leading the blind, it's the blind, deaf and with no arms or legs leading the blind. Velvet and Lacey go up to practice something, leaving Angelina... and who should debut but Winter? She's in the mirror, Hogan/Warrior style, and just like Warrior, the cameras can see her, but other people (like Velvet) can't. Also I think I heard Angelina call Velvet "Talia". A bit of career continuity there.

Match 2: AJ Styles (c) vs. D'Angelo Dinero - Street Fight for the Television Championship (Fortune Banned from Ringside)​

Pope's attire is Godfather-esque. Pope's money rain rating: none. Guess they went forward in time and read my writeup from last week. Match starts outside the ring, because that's how street fights work. Pope, apparently the face, tries to use a belt shot. AJ takes a couple of nasty blows to the head, from ramming into steel steps and being catapulted into a ring post. I like the presence of usually illegal stuff here, with Pope choking with fist tape and AJ openly using a low blow. AJ sells a haymaker like he's been killed. Match finish comes when Abyss (decidedly not a member of Fortune) attacks Pope. Called it. AJ has to lead Abyss out the ring, and gives him a "hit the showers, good game" ass spank for good measure.

We get a promo from Sarita at home, doing her yoga while cockily talking down Mickie. Why don't we see more of her? She's great. Backstage, Pope guilt trips Joe over his lack of assistance in that Street Fight. Joe is like "Fly home, Buddy, I work alone," which proves once again that faces are idiots against a united heel force. Meanwhile, Bischoff and Flair congratulate themselves on how they set up that... well, setup in the TV Title match. This really is just a lot of quick-fire backstage segments. I don't really know what to say about them.

We get a video package about Team 3D's impending retirement. They're looking to step back and focus on other things. The Team 3D Academy and Devon's family are pretty obvious, but Brother Ray says he has a career in the music industry, which is... what? Upshot of this is... as we already know, they want to face MCMG for the belts. Seems fair. Speaking of MCMG, they're playing catch, Velvet Sky is flirting with Sabin (that's THREE YEARS deep foreshadowing right there), and a camera guy is harassing them over Team 3D's challenge. This leads to a Guns/Bucks fight with Velvet playing peacemaker. Storylines intersecting! That's a good thing!

Jeff jarrett claimed on last week's ReAction he wanted to apologise to Kurt Angle, and Joe expressed his wish to beat up jarrett. That's going to come to a head in the next segment, when jarrett comes to the ring. "King of Nothing" chants. jarrett's apology is for not beating up Angle more, and just like last week, he delights in having taken everything from him. Joe shows up but gets the same treatment as Angle, as Gunner and Murphy handcuff him so jarrett can kick his ass more easily. This time he tosses Joe over the side of the ramp into a deep-looking pit. Mike Tenay gets out from his desk and asks the man he's worked with for 8 years - and has shown the same capacity for betrayal all those years - "Dude, what the fuck?". Why are you surprised?! You're supposed to know everything!

Match 3: Beer Money, Inc. (James Storm/Robert Roode) vs. Rob Van Dam/Sabu​

You can just tell there's discord between the faces, even though they don't show it. RVD looks dead inside.

Tenay pretends Jeff Hardy was more trustworthy to RVD than his EV2.0 allies. You're off your game tonight, Professor... Sabu is clearly not what he used to be - more like No Surrender Sabu than HardCORE Justice Sabu. Roode goes for a faux-Camel Clutch with eye rakes - nice touch! RVD uses Sabu as a weapon, tossing him on to Roode, which looks so cool, to be honest. Storytelling here is strange, because we get two tag team mess-ups in a row - first Storm accidentally spitting beer in Roode's face, then Sabu accidentally tossing a chair square at RVD's head. And that latter spot finishes the match.

Naturally, RVD thinks what Bisch said is true, and it almost causes a fight, until the rest of EV2.0 show up and manage to break it up. I do like the idea of the overarching storyline here. At this point, if the rest of the TNA roster can't gel with each other, what chance do they stand against the united force of Immortal? I just don't like that they're telling the story by making guys like Joe and Pope look like fools.

We get a dumb "Hardcore Country" promo from Mickie James where she's riding an ornamental bull. Mickie is, apparently, a world class champion. Even though she isn't even champion yet... Ad for Turning Point, which is just an ad for all their big names. Including Sting, who won't be here as he walked out on the company. Nice job. Bischoff believes in Kazarian, though I wouldn't be inclined to believe that given his ability to lie constantly.

Match 4: Mickie James vs. Sarita​

Comparing Sarita's theme in 2010 to Apolo's theme in 2002... apparently Dale Oliver has done multiple distinct rip-offs of "Smooth". The lower third description of Sarita is "TNA Knockout". These are two women that can work, and they're being allowed to work. And this gets over with the crowd! Who'd have thought it. Taz seems entirely too happy with the idea of Immortal's takeover. He also makes reference to John Nord - the former Berzerker would be happy that someone remembers he existed. Sarita uses La Reienera, which causes Taz to get distracted by the word "rack" in relation to Sarita. Mick Kick finishes it, but Tara attacks Mickie afterwards. Tara seems to have no regrets about forfeiting her title to a woman who treats her like trash.

Mr. Anderson doesn't seem convinced about his chances, which is a first, but he's going to whoop the shit out of Hardy. Meanwhile, Mickie James is not happy about what Tara just did, and wants to speak to your manager Eric Bischoff. Her demeanour is downright Karen-like, which is jarring given that she's the face.

Match 5: Mr. Anderson vs. Kazarian - Ultimate X Match​

We get a short clip of Anderson warming up, which turns into an extended clip of him being assaulted and broken even more by Fortune. They bring him to the entrance ramp, where Kazarian looks on in faux-surprise. He almost manages to retrieve the X before Anderson can even get to the ring, but even with one arm and limping, Anderson manages to remove him from the cable. Guess this'll be an actual match! At one point, Anderson looks under the ring, perhaps for a ladder. After the commercial break, he has to dislodge Kaz again by swinging him off.

Anderson gives climbing the cables a shot, but as soon as he has to put any weight on his injured arm, he drops. We get a TNA chant for Anderson dropping Kaz off the cables for a third time. Finally he gets his ladder, and is about to retrieve the X until the rest of Fortune come and wreck his shit, allowing Kaz to get the win. Anderson does eventually roll back in the ring with a bit of pipe to clobber a couple of guys, but that doesn't matter as Hardy shows up and smacks him with a steel chair... right in the back of his head. This, by the way, gives him a legitimate concussion, and I'm told is the reason why TNA finally stopped chairshots to the head years after WWE did it. You can tell it's legit because he stops selling the bad arm and holds his bleeding head with both hands.

Hardy heels it up by tearing up a fan's sign, before we get a clip of Bisch and Flair heading off in their ride together. That is, until they come across Kurt Angle, with almost serial killer-like demeanour, who smashes the vehicle with a pipe of his own. Gunner and Murphy deal with it, Flair's screaming about how he wants Angle arrested, and... that's the show. Talk about car-wreck TV to finish it off. This wasn't as bad as last week, pretty much purely because it had less old man rambling. See you next Impact, for hopefully similar amounts of old man rambling to this Impact.

 

[Chris]

Ken Anderson was in an Ultimate X match

 

[Sky]

Impact October 28, 2010 - Unforgiven (oh wait, that's an actual wrestling show name)​

(Apologies that this took OVER A MONTH - it's down to personal difficulties I was having. I hope I can get back into the groove after this.)

The opening video package is basically a recap of the last two weeks - that Jeff Hardy is Super Eeeeeevil now and he's beaten the rest of the main event faces to a bloody pulp. The Anderson beatdown last week is still tough to watch.

Our first segment is... a Knockouts brawl in catering. That's a refreshing change. Mickie James and Tara battle it out (featuring the millionth cameraman bump this month) until they reach the outside, where in quick succession, Madison, the Beautiful People, and Sarita join in. This is less storylines intersecting and more storylines mashing into each other in a heap. It naturally bleeds into the inside, featuring broom-based offense and a tease of Velvet suplexing Sarita off the broadcast area that never happens. Tara and Mickie are last to make it inside, going past the Xplosion set on the way. "Great to see the new regime has everything under control" -Tenay, clearly meaning to be sarcastic but actually sounding sincere as he only has one vocal tone.

Ric Flair shows up with Immortal security Gunner and Murphy to break things up, which leads to a pretty fun moment as Mickie and Tara both get hits in on Flair. The old man rambles at them, calls Mickie psycho and threatens to rape her(??), and finally gets round to announcing the inevitable six-woman tag match. He then tells the women to stop fighting, after which they keep fighting.

In other news, Impact has a new intro! And it's intentionally very Immortal-heavy, as commentary mentioned Hulk Hogan helped put it together himself. Pope's wheeling a casket, we go to a break, and then we get a video package featuring Jeff Hardy. What gripping television this is! We go to the office of sadness (distinct from the office of mediocrity) as Bischoff and Flair ramble. Some nobody claiming to be the head trainer shows up and insisting Mr. Anderson can't wrestle due to his (legit) concussion. Bischoff doesn't give a shit. "This isn't the NFL". They claim the NFL ratings are down and TNA ratings are up (you're looking at the wrong graph, there).

Pope is here, and once again he has the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand. He's really leaning in to the religious references, as he seems to think Abyss is a demon of some sort who needs to be sent straight back to Hell. This may or may not be hyping for a casket match in the future. His speech is interrupted by Abyss himself, who is an unconvincing ham as a heel. "The only thing you're gonna need is a priest to administer your last rites" says Abyss. The crowd boos, perhaps remembering what a shitshow the last Last Rites match was. Implies he's going to attack by surprise, which must be a challenge for a 350-pound man. He then drags some fans off - holy shit!

And the perfect thing to kill this mood of threat - Jeff jarrett. He's apparently the one scheduled to face Anderson tonight, and on top of that he's got Samoa Joe at Turning Point. That's twice I'm going to have to watch this dude wrestle. Meanwhile in Flair country, he's trying to hit up an employee until Matt Morgan shows up and says "really??". Morgan agrees with the statistics about concussions apparently. I guess he's beginning the slow path towards turning face. Would make sense, they're running out of main event level faces (the last one they have is Pope, and they seem to be cooling him off). This wouldn't be a problem if you hadn't put Fortune together with Immortal!

Match 1: Robbie E vs. Jay Lethal - Jersey Shore Street Fight​

Taz loves the fist pump. "They've been documented from ET to TMZ" -Tenay. I momentarily forgot that ET stood for "Entertainment Tonight", and thought these two were aliens with no idea of what human wrestling fans want to see. Would explain the... everything. Oh, it's the "beat the champion in non-title match" trope. I only realised how much I dislike that when I stopped booking and realised how much of an easy way out it is. Still... street fights in street clothes, nice. We've got street detritus as weapons too! Lethal smashes Robbie right in the head with a bin lid, which suggests they learned nothing from the Anderson concussion incident, even after it happened a week ago. Odd, then, that they keep talking about the Anderson concussion.

Robbie sells a suplex on a road sign (a thin sheet of metal) pretty heavily. "Get me a kendo stick" -Robbie to Cookie, who struggles with this request. Genuine heat for tearing Jay's wifebeater. It doesn't matter as Robbie screws it up, Lethal gets the kendo stick and does that stock hit-someone-with-something-while-a-garbage-can-is-over-their-head spot that somehow never gets old. Top rope move is denied by Cookie with a leg pull and hairspray, which allows Robbie to win with his lame neckbreaker. This is your match for Turning Point, folks. What is happening to the X Division?

Beautiful People update: Velvet is mad at being disrespected by Sarita or something. I don't know, they're talking over each other. After she goes off to call Chris Sabin and calm down, Angelina sees Winter in the mirror. Again. Apparently it's fate that they are coming together. Fate, or as it's called in the pro wrestling world, "booking". Once again, Winter doesn't exist to anyone except Angelina, and the cameras, and Mike Tenay, and...

Speaking of teams being gradually broken up, EV2.0. The non-RVD ECW squad is all in the ring, including Brian Kendrick, who's reading that signed copy of Mick Foley's book from last week. He does not appear to give a shit about anything in this segment. That makes two of us. Dreamer tries to talk down RVD from being paranoid, by playing up their collective histories, but RVD isn't having any of it. I didn't know he was dumb enough to drink Bischoff's Kool-Aid directly from the tap. Dreamer tells him that Bischoff wants the faces in-fighting so none of them can take on Immortal - in other words, stating the obvious, if you've watched the first few weeks of post-Immortal TNA.

"Remember what Eric Bischoff did to our old company" -if I'm not mistaken, this is a reference to not just the WCW talent raids of ECW (remember 70s Guy Mike Awesome?) but the creation of WWECW, which Bischoff hated in and out of character. Which is... odd. Raven laughs and openly berates how RVD's been manipulated, which causes RVD to accuse him of being the mole. "Ha, f'n ha" -yes, RVD, actually said that. This leads to Fortune coming out, with Flair making RVD/Raven vs. AJ/Kaz for tonight. Doug Williams, though, wanted to wrestle instead, so after a bit of badgering backstage, Flair replaces Kaz with him... So much friction between teams. Is this just what Bischoff does all the time? After the nWo succeeded, there must always be backstabbing and distrust from now on?

Match 2: Madison Rayne/Tara/Sarita vs. Velvet Sky/Angelina Love/Mickie James​

Once again, very few actual matches. It's the top of the second hour. Faces jump the heels during their entrance, and the brawl resumes from earlier, complete with Gunner and Murphy trying to pull the Knockouts apart. When the match actually starts, commentary immediately starts talking about Mr. Anderson again. Velvet does some Flair chops, but has to say the "woo" herself. Mickie, the hot new talent, is relegated to the duty of being beaten on by the heels. "You see our wrestlers uncovered" -Taz on ReAction, during a Knockouts match. You know what you're doing there, Taz, you brilliant human potato, you.

Angelina Love is the least effective hot tag ever... for over a minute when a still-hurt Mickie takes that title. Match descends into chaos as we're reminded that Lacey is away training Miss Tessmacher to wrestle. That gets a chuckle. The chain of finishers ends with a Tiger Bomb from Sarita to get the win from the heels. I like Sarita, so hopefully this means a push for her, but probably not. She gets cheered a little, believe it or not.

Pope's looking for Abyss, hears a woman screaming... and runs towards it. He clearly hasn't watched a horror movie in his life. After the break, the screamer - one of two fans used as bait - is let loose as Pope is attacked by Abyss in a blindingly obvious scheme. Faces are idiots. The ensuing brawl centres around a handy little casket, into which Abyss eventually stuffs Pope (literal burial) and then makes a big dent in it with Janice.

Back in the ring, we get Generation Me trashing MCMG and Ink Inc. (who are apparently their opponents in the upcoming random tag title three-way). Shannon Moore basically calls Gen.Me Hardy Boyz ripoffs (well, if anyone would know, he would).

Match 3: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) (c) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) vs. Ink Inc. (Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal)​

Tenay and Taz talk hypotheticals about a Bucks/Team 3D match. That's something I'm surprised never happened (though that would require them to elevate the Bucks at all). Tenay rants about the millennials or something - he's supposed to be a face commentator. Jesse Neal is still over. Shannon Moore's crossbody seems to land on the face more than the body. This is really nice tag action, but despite being between the three most dynamic teams on the roster at the moment, it barely gets five minutes. Ink Inc's finisher (Samoan drop + Mooregasm) would get the win if Jeremy Buck hadn't pulled away the referee, but they just forestall the inevitable as Jesse Neal eats a Skull and Bones.

After the match (fairly predictably) Team 3D come out. They start by putting over the tag team division a bit, before they officially make the challenge for one last title win, which they accept.

Meanwhile in Bischoff's office, Matt Morgan wants another word. He's taking up his complaints about Anderson's concussion to the highest level, but Bischoff says "one armed concussed dude in a chain match, that's ratings lol" or something. Morgan even brings up having concussed Hernandez and put him on the shelf for months. Oh fuck, he really is a face, isn't he? Bischoff, of course, trashes the big man's concerns, which is a strange tone to take to a 7-foot man with a boot that can cave your entire body in, I'd think. I don't get how he can get away with openly disrespecting much bigger men. After the break, this story continues with Morgan having to convince a trainer that he just wants to talk to Anderson, not beat him up. Anderson's still advertised for Turning Point, by the way.

We're back to hearing Jeff Hardy talking. He doesn't sound like he's even trying to care, which really does sell the heel character in a way. He's not a fan, in particular, of how little money playing to the crowd made him. So he... left WWE and went to TNA. I have no words for that.

Match 4: Fortune (AJ Styles/Douglas Williams) vs. Rob Van Dam/Raven​

No Fortune theme for AJ and Doug but they still come out together, which I think is meant to be a subtle bit of storytelling... Subtlety? Nah, it's Vince Russo, must be an accident. Before RVD can make his entrance, the heels attack Raven, and... the bell rings?? Commentary tries to go with the flow for a bit but expresses their confusion eventually, after RVD makes his entrance. He's in absolutely no hurry whatsoever to save his teammate, which is odd given that he clearly needs Raven. I mean, he gets zero offense in this match, aside from a single Rolling Thunder to pop the crowd.

Raven gets bumped while the non-legal man not once, but twice; the second is from Ric Flair, who whacks him with the TV title belt. RVD, however, completely dismisses the idea of cheap heel tactics and is convinced that Raven (who is lying on the floor, TWITCHING) doesn't want to help him. An interesting moment follows - AJ would win with a Phenomenal Forearm, but he's not the legal man. So Doug goes to finish it with a top rope knee drop, but AJ blind tags him and gets the pin anyway. Every faction must have friction! It's the law!

We get an extended ad for the TNA Family Feud week. Oh yeah, that was a thing that happened around this time. No, I won't be re-watching it, because that's 4-5 extra hours of wrestlers embarrassing themselves that doesn't even have any consequence in the storylines. I will say that WrestleCrap and Game Show Garbage have both covered it, and all you really need to know is that one of the teams contained Lacey Von Erich. Yes, she of the IQ so low that the rest of the team put together only JUST puts them into a positive total. She also hits on Steve Harvey. Do not want.

Match 5: Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff jarrett - Chain Match​

And with that bit of time-wasting out of the way, it's time for our main event - with literally two and a half minutes to go in the Impact timeslot. Guess we're going into ReAction again. We're shown a recap of jarrett injuring Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe. "Put him against a legitimately concussed guy, what could possibly go wrong?" -TNA management, in kayfabe and also probably out of it. Anderson's music hits and out comes the big angry giant, Matt Morgan, but we run out of time on Impact before he can say why the hell he's here. Over on the "third hour", the crowd has no idea how to react most of the time watching Morgan talk about concussions. jarrett's predictably having none of it, and says he wants to hurt someone. Morgan picks up the chain. Okay, then...

Match 5: Matt Morgan vs. Jeff jarrett - Chain Match​

Morgan, by the way, is not dressed to wrestle. Doesn't stop him controlling the offense for most of the match. jarrett upends some steel steps for no reason. Finish comes within five minutes when a missed Carbon Footprint causes Morgan to crotch himself on the chain, allowing jarrett to hit the Stroke and win. Way to put over your next big face, right? After the match, Morgan tries to choke out his opponent with the chain, until the rest of Fortune show up and beat him up. jarrett makes a makeshift noose out of the chain, and they hang him from over the ring rope. That's not dark at all. See you next Impact, where there's hopefully less Matt Morgan and more Sarita.

 

[Chris]

this shit was such a mess lmao

 

[Sky]

Impact November 4th, 2010 - This Episode Was Written with a Concussion​

Opening package focuses on the fact that Matt Morgan is suddenly a face now and cares about concussion protocol, and so he's turned on Immortal after less than a month. Once again, this would not be a problem if you'd not left yourself with 0 main event faces.

Episode title is "Kung Fu Bischoff", and funnily enough, we get exactly that as Flair's in the back hyping up the smiling fucking mug in a black gi and gloves. As he makes his way down to the ring, he gets in some pretty clean punches and kicks at the camera. Taz informs us that Bischoff has an amateur martial arts background (which, to my surprise when I looked it up, is actually true). Bischoff is out like this to... cut a promo? We get what we already know - Morgan is no longer in Fortune or Immortal - complete with a shot at the "future endeavours".

Back to Anderson again - Bischoff is challenging him to a match tonight, which if he wins, he gets his shot at Hardy. I love to think that this was the plan before the concussion, and would have actually happened. That would have been a trainwreck and a half. We finish with the other individual that Bisch is feuding with - this random referee, apparently, for releasing Morgan too early in the chain match and putting jarrett's career in jeopardy. No mention of the attempted chain lynching by Fortune? He does get to pull off his moves on this referee, with a judo throw that looks more like a clothesline + low blow.

We get a brief clip of Fortune walking and bantering, with Doug Williams acting very much like the fifth wheel he is. If he hadn't been a coward heel all year and had matches that lowered the tone of the X DIvision, I'd feel sorry for him. Then we go to the EV2.0 war room (different from last time) featuring Brian Kendrick telling stories from Mick Foley's book (continuity!). RVD shows up and has tension again, until the two segments intersect and Fortune shows up. AJ casually mentions there'll be a Fortune vs. EV2.0 match at Turning Point, with the winning team getting to fire one of the losers. What is it with Fortune/EV2.0 matches and being announced in backstage segments? AJ baits Rhino but moves out of the way so he hits RVD. Nice heel tactic! Plays up the theme of "dissent in EV2.0".

Goldfish memory recap reminds us of all the heel shit Jeff Hardy has done, which leads into a phone interview with Mr. Anderson. He basically describes post-concussion syndrome to Tenay and Taz before expressing that he's slow to trust Morgan. Very ho-hum stuff there. We get our Knockouts segment as Velvet Sky is seriously overconfident for her match with Sarita, and turns down interference from Angelina. And once again, she leaves Angelina alone to find Winter in the mirror! Only this time, she turns around to see the "real" Winter not in the mirror. So, is she real now? Whatever it is, Angelina's tired of this shit and wants to be left alone. Me too.

Match 1: Sarita vs. Velvet Sky​

I hope you can tell that these are two people I want to see on my TV more. "Velvet is taking over the TV set" -if they weren't cowards, they'd do an all-Knockouts episode of Xplosion or something where TBP are in control. Velvet pats Sarita on the midriff for reasons unknown. Commentary doesn't seem to want to talk about this, being most interested in talking about the upcoming AJ vs RVD vs Rhino TV title three-way. I don't know why - Sarita's so athletic and a delight to watch. Commentary tries to sell Sarita as being frustrated, then switches to Velvet being frustrated when they remember who's set to win. It's Sarita as it turns out, taking it with the Tiger Bomb for the second week in a row. I like!

Bischoff's in the back sparring with jarrett, and suddenly jarrett is concerned about him hitting Anderson too hard. Is he a face too? Actually, no, he's acting somewhat indignant about apologising to Samoa Joe. So, still heel. He does have words for Joe though. Presumably they involve fighting. Speaking of fighting, Doug Williams and Kaz are apparently set to settle their feud Horsemen-style, i.e. with a match between them. That's not really special, it's how most wrestling feuds are settled. Doug, however, has something to say to Christy Hemme, and a really funny moment happens when Christy's preparing for an interview and her mic isn't working - so a production guy drops Mr. Anderson's ceiling mic for her! Beautiful! I am sports entertained.

Match 2: Mickie James/Shannon Moore/Jesse Neal vs. Tara/Max Buck/Jeremy Buck​

Tara comes out on her bike, with "cougar" on her shirt and "Wanna Ride?" on her shorts. Come on, that's not fair. None of this is fair. How are we not supposed to thirst? The teenage girl demographic is hyped for the faces - even Mickie James. "That mohawk, flaring like a pack of haemorrhoids" -Taz on Jesse Neal. We possibly have the record for "earliest referee distraction" as barely a minute in, Tara and Mickie being separated causes a Neal pin to be missed. When Neal gets dropkicked to the outside, a camera man tries to get the low shot and visibly drops and damages his camera. Say what you like about current Impact production botches: old production botches are a lot more interesting.

Tara pulls off a very interesting ass-based rope choke. The continuing tour of Jesse Neal being bullied continues, as he misses a clothesline, gets slid to the outside, and eats a superkick from Tara. So much for women fighting women - in fact, neither woman has gotten to tag in! I think Tara calls Max Buck "Matt" at one point. You're not wrong... Shannon Moore is the hot tag, though Mickie is the most effective, crotching Max on the ring and nailing a Frankensteiner. The Knockouts fight for about 2 seconds, and it's a catfight. Eventually, Max looks like he's about to sexually assault Mickie, but he eats a Mick Kick and then the Samoan drop/Mooregasm thing. Doesn't do the winning faces much good, as they get beaten up after the match.

Eric Young and Orlando Jordan are in for... couples' counselling? I think this is what this is... sadly. This is just a hurricane of disturbing innuendo, Jordan wanting to be on top, and Young stretching out and keeping loose. Short clips about jarrett/Joe sandwich a sit-down between Team 3D and MCMG bantering about their match at Turning Point, which is totally definitely face/face and will stay face/face, honest. Brother Ray possibly sleeps with his tag titles.

Here comes jarrett. Oh no. First up, he wants to talk about Kurt Angle attacking Bischoff's ride. Angle's beef should be with jarrett, apparently, as if he was the one who came up with the idea of concussing a bunch of faces in a row. Now, Joe. "I've just got one word for you, Joe: I'm sorry" -jarrett. Even Taz recognises that that's two words. Going with the pattern of apologies recently, he's sorry for not murdering Joe even more than he did. This culminates in a challenge for Turning Point. After taking issue with the constant "you sold out" chants, he goes up the ramp, as if everything's fine and no confrontation will happen.

That has to be an emote, I'm sorry. Someone get on that. Joe fights off jarrett, then fights off Gunner and Murphy when they show up. We get the staredown with Joe's music, but then Gunner and Murphy start attacking again, so they have to do the staredown again. Nice. Very much not a botch. Meanwhile, RVD's talking paranoia about EV2.0, and Bischoff is stretching for his match with Anderson.

Match 3: AJ Styles (c) vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Rhino - for the Television Championship​

It feels like RVD has gotten a lot less over recently. Strangely, Rhino hasn't. Mr. Weedman looks dead inside again. Earl Hebner makes a complete hash of holding up the TV title, so it looks like it's falling apart.

AJ's transparently trying to get RVD and Rhino to fight it out, they team up to remove him... but then they start arguing anyway. Confusing. AJ catches a slingshotting RVD with a dropkick, which looks cleaner than it has any right to. Mike Tenay thinks Immortal shouldn't give a shit about the TV title. AJ attempts a springboard but RVD kicks his foot out from under him. That looked dangerous! He's going to dive to the outside but Rhino stops him, which lets AJ nail a flying forearm and roll up RVD with a handful of tights. That... sure was three minutes of wrestling.

Rhino and RVD are still arguing, and the rest of EV2.0 show up to separate them. At this point, the mistrust looks childish as it's blatantly Immortal mind games. Dreamer promos about unity or something, which leads to RVD vs. Dreamer at Turning Point. I mean... sure?

Abyss promos backstage on the Pope (Immortal never dies, like Hulkamania? Hulkamania died in 2002) before Ric Flair shows up to take commentary for the next match. This should be fun. And he has a lollipop. I now feel kind of ill when a wrestler has a lollipop, because of Joey Ryan. His flair perfectly segues into Fortune's theme, which is nice.

Match 4: Kazarian vs. Douglas Williams​

Both men manage to walk around the Joe-shaped hole in the entrance ramp that's still there. Flair calls Kaz the most handsome man in wrestling. Very mild chants for Doug Williams. Before the match can truly get underway Beer Money show up to watch. "How did this guy go unseen for so long?" -Flair on Kazarian, as if his contemporaries hadn't kept young talent like him down for the past several years. Pretty decent wrestling, as expected from these two, but it doesn't go on long at all before James Storm mounts the apron, Kaz tosses Doug into him and then rolls his opponent up. There's an argument in the ring but Flair sorts it out. You really are short on faces that you have to start breaking up Fortune, huh? Here's a tip: DON'T ALIGN THEM WITH IMMORTAL IN THE FIRST PLACE!

In an "earlier today", Pope discusses the possibility of pimp slapping Abyss over and over. I can't imagine that would be effective in a wrestling ring. Back to the counselling session, where EY is on OJ's lap. OJ blames himself, because he's bi.......... polar. EY is the one who finishes the word there. Sadly this does mean the tag team will continue.

Match 5: Abyss vs. D'Angelo Dinero​

Entrance ramp hole is no longer there. Pope's money rain rating: none, still. Pope unloads punches on his much larger opponent. Tenay talks about closed fists - I'm pretty sure no referee enforces closed fists anymore. Abyss gets a big boot in, and this dissolves into a beatdown. Eventually he gets tired of beating on Pope and starts to attack some fans instead, which gets him DQ'd. The road agents swarm Abyss to try and stop him, before Pope challenges him to a lumberjack match, with members of the Congregation (i.e. fans) as lumberjacks. I quite like the stipulation, so sure! That'll be nice.

We get a Shore backstage segment. Oh, fuck off. Robbie E, apparently, is Going To Win The Upcoming Match. "Jersey's in the house, bitches" is Cookie's catchphrase now? Mr. Anderson is still advertised for Turning Point. We get a weird shot of Bischoff heading to the ring after which... he hits the cameraman or something? It's not clear what happens. Jeff Hardy gets a full-on Antichrist video package that only really serves to waste time.

Time for what I guess is our main event. Bischoff's still in karate gear. He gives JB a very long ring announcer's script, which declares him as a black belt and undefeated in karate, and calls Green Bay a "frozen inbred tundra" home to the "impotent warrior" Anderson. "The President Obama of Head Trauma" -JB. He gives up knowing Anderson won't be here, which not only inspires a "read it" chant (FUCKING. BRILLIANT.), but inspires Bisch to challenge JB instead! After a short beating by Bisch, Mr. Anderson's music hits, but who else but Matt Morgan comes out from behind. He nails Bisch with a Carbon Footprint, pins him, and signs the contract. I have two questions:

1. Surely the contract specifically names Anderson? Would it really work for Morgan?
2. If it doesn't name Anderson, could any TNA star have done that? Could - say for example - Velvet Sky have challenged Jeff Hardy if she'd showed up and attacked Bischoff?

Never mind. For the record, the segment bled slightly into ReAction, involving Morgan leaving through the crowd and Flair helping up Bischoff. Not much reason to talk about any of that. See you at the PPV!

Next up: Turning Point

Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Matt Morgan - for the World Heavyweight Championship
Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) (c) vs. Team 3D (Brother Ray/Brother Devon) - Retirement Match for the World Tag Team Championship
Jay Lethal (c) vs. Robbie E - for the X Division Championship
Fortune (AJ Styles/James Storm/Robert Roode/Kazarian/Douglas Williams) vs. EV2.0 (Rhino/Raven/Sabu/Stevie Richards/Brian Kendrick) - Winning Side Fires One of the Losing Side
Abyss vs. D'Angelo Dinero - Lumberjack Match
Jeff jarrett vs. Samoa Joe
Rob Van Dam vs. Tommy Dreamer
Tara vs. Mickie James​

 

[Sky]

Turning Point 2010 - Turning 360 Degrees And Walking Away​

"What is real? What is true?" asks Jeff Hardy in the opening video. What is true is that he's basically cutting the same heel promo he has since he turned, sounding disaffected over "epic" looking stock footage. He serves only one master - and that master is Jeff Hardy. Setting up for a face turn? We'll never know. I like the fact that the PPV crowds are actually hyped for the show, unlike Impact crowds. So who's opening up the show...? The X Division. Of course.

Match 1: Jay Lethal (c) vs. Robbie E - for the X Division Championship​

People are actually fist pumping in the crowd. I take back what I said about the PPV fans being hyped - they're all obviously on the STRONGEST mind-altering drugs, and that shouldn't be encouraged. Cookie very obviously shows off the hairspray. I wonder how this match will finish? The opening 30 seconds of this match features a lengthy collar-and-elbow tie-up, followed by Robbie rolling out of the ring and giving instructions to Cookie. Everything you love about the X Division! Robbie drops something white from his right hand, but it's impossible to tell what it was and he had nothing in his hand seconds earlier. Lethal actually gets the match into gear with some really clean armdrags. Did I mention I like a good armdrag?

Robbie seems to tap to Lethal at one point early on, but no one acknowledges this. Lethal tries to go for the Lethal Combination when Robbie's right against the ropes, so he just looks like a dumbass. This match is extraordinarily slow when Robbie is in control - that is not how the X Division should work! He does transition pretty cleanly from an Irish whip into an abdominal stretch, so there's that. Lethal struggles to pull Robbie down for a sunset flip pin, but it doesn't matter because Cookie's pulling off a classic distraction. Did I say "classic"? I meant "tiresome". First TNA chant is for a suicide dive. This is how far we've fallen.

Lethal stops Cookie from using the hairspray, but it doesn't matter because she catches him when he's going for an elbow drop. Why does this always happen? One interference denied, then another interference happens immediately after? Robbie hits his neckbreaker, and... New X Division Champion - Robbie E. This is the point where I should tap out. Some nobody, who's getting X-Pac'd out of the building on the regular, is stinking up the X Division, and holds their belt a month into his tenure with the company? Doesn't bode well for the rest of the show, does it? Robbie and Cookie's celebration is basically a discount Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth - actually fitting considering they just beat Lethal.

Tenay and Taz take some time to talk and let the crowd's jeers of derision die down. They rule out the possibility, in the Fortune vs. EV2.0 match, for EV2.0 winning and one of Fortune being fired. Mickie James gets a pre-match interview with Christy, in which she talks really fast and seems to want to get it over with as fast as possible. Also, for some reason, she's vaguely referencing events that happened in WWE? Wouldn't be the first time this company has done that.

Match 2: Tara vs. Mickie James​

JB botches the ring announcement twice in a row. First he says the match is "for the TNA Knockout", stopping himself halfway through realising that this isn't for the title and the champion isn't even involved. So, will "TNA Knockout" Taylor Wilde be the prize for this one? On top of that, he says Tara is accompanied to the ring by Madison Rayne, who is nowhere to be found. Mickie comes out wearing overly long chaps that she's surely going to trip over. "Joveel" -Taz. We get a surprise debut during this match - referee Jackson James, who is named specifically during commentary! If you know why he's important later on, you'll know why that excites me.

Obvious dueling chants - these women are over. And partly that's because they're allowed to wrestle. Crowd seriously pops for a half crab by Mickie, seemingly just because Mickie's a pure babyface and they love her. Speaking of cool submissions, Tara does a snap suplex and floats over into some sort of facelock. Camera goes for a soaring camera angle during Mickie's missile dropkick, which looks nice, but sadly misses the actual impact of the dropkick. Mickie goes for an extremely slow Mick Kick, and commentary tries to act surprised when it's countered.

There's one spot where Mickie's sitting on the corner, Tara's climbing up to meet her and deliver those 1-2-3 punches, but Mickie sweeps her leg so Tara lands in her lap. What annoys me is that Tenay and Taz both seem to act like what we're witnessing right now is hardcore pornography. That really puts a damper on the best Knockouts PPV match I've seen in a good while. Anyway, they tumble out, start brawling in the crowd, and the match ends in a double countout. An actual good match! Why wasn't this for the title? Why did you have to have a Fingerpoke of Doom to give the title to Madison? What is the point??

After the match is a pretty fun hardcore brawl, Tara snapping a broom over the back of Mickie's neck before Mickie delivers garbage can shots. They eventually make it back in the ring, where they're both tearing at each other's clothes until security has to break them up. I appreciate the "ECW spirit" in this post-match. In fact, this was more ECW than half of HardCORE Justice was. They're seriously struggling to break the two up, though. Again - why wasn't this for the title?! Why is Madison the champion?!

Anyway, a long Team 3D package brings us to Christy Interview Numero Dos, with the ex-Dudleys themselves. Christy gets so emotional she forgets not to call Brother Ray "Bubba". Team 3D are Going To Win The Upcoming Final Match.

Match 3: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) (c) vs. Team 3D (Brother Ray/Brother Devon) - Retirement Match for the World Tag Team Championship​

Guy in the front row seems to be only cheering sarcastically. Alex Shelley has a "game face" that looks constipated. During the initial buildup, we get a discussion between Tenay and Taz - apparently Taz doesn't like the idea of fighting champions. Wasn't the FTW Championship initially created because the current ECW champion wasn't competing? We're two and a half minutes in and already Team 3D attempt to hit their finisher, but Chris Sabin does what apparently no one has done by stopping and sliding out of the ring. So did these guys' 23 title reigns happen because their opponents were a bunch of idiots?

Taz relates how Team 3D started (it was all his idea, apparently), whilst the Guns demonstrate that they're not just going to run directly into the stock Dudley spots like everyone else. As Shelley attempts a double foot stomp that misses, I think "How can you do that and not destroy your knees?", to which Shelley seemingly responds by selling his knee, and Brother Ray responds with a combination legscissors/armbar. Shelley later does one of his step-up moves, and doesn't get as much height as usual. Who said these guys can't do psychology and storytelling? "We want tables", chants the crowd, during a regular match. Sabin tries to tear open Brother Ray's head wound, which is as hard to watch as it sounds. Guess the Guns are playing heel.

Shelley goes for the springboard crossbody but gets outtanowhered by a Bubba Cutter. Crowd pops HUGE for Devon tagging in, which is a rare sentence. Crowd is still chanting for tables! Come on, do you want this to end in a DQ? Guns go for those step-up moves again, but Devon catches Sabin and slams him into Shelley, leaving them in a crumpled heap. That's cool, I guess. Devon tries to cause himself brain damage one last time with the diving headbutt. Actually, twice more, with the yambag region move. They finally get the tables and prop one off the corner, but Sabin parkours himself off it really cleanly and tempts Ray into charging into it in a really nice spot.

Devon becomes the first I've seen to kick out of the Skull and Bones, and that's not even the most memorable finish kickout of this match, as seconds later, Chris Sabin becomes the first non-Japanese man to kick out of the 3D! Commentary is as surprised as Devon is! Then they go for another 3D but Sabin counters into a DDT, and Skull and Bones finishes... That was one hell of a match, with a hell of a shocking finish. Commentary tries to sell the fact that Team 3D were off their game. Wonder if that will become relevant in future...?

Christy Interview Numero Tres goes to Tommy Dreamer, who starts by taking more credit for Team 3D, before talking about EV2.0's infighting. "Congratulations, Bischoff, we're playing into exactly what you wanted", says someone who could, at any time, choose not to play into exactly what Bischoff wants. RVD's going to find out who is his true friend... by being beaten up?

Match 4: Rob Van Dam vs. Tommy Dreamer - Anything Goes​

This stipulation isn't announced by JB (he's the one who's off his game), but by Mike Tenay. Both men look like they would rather be anywhere else. This is something that can be explained both in kayfabe (Taz even calls that they don't want to fight) and out of it. RVD gets kicked from the ring apron and slides back pretty badly. If we hadn't established that years of weed smoking had turned his bones into some sort of stiff rubber, I'd be worried that he actually got hurt. Actually, he may have taken a head injury, he's seriously stumbling. Atomic drop on to the guardrail - how does anyone take that? How does that not destroy your entire lower half? I love this implementation of the Anything Goes stipulation - the referee can just politely suggest they get inside the ring.

First weapons spot - a slingshot leg drop (yikes) to a chair (yikes) on top of Dreamer's face (yikes) on the ring apron (yikes), but Dreamer slips out and RVD lands hard (YIKES). We really are destroying tailbones tonight, aren't we? Dreamer repeatedly tries to put RVD in a tree of woe with a chair over his face, but RVD gets out of it each time. Doesn't do him much good as he eats an elevated neckbreaker (there's another hit to the back of the head!). Taz calls Dreamer "innovative" for hitting his opponent in the face with a ladder.

RVD's neck is stacked up on the ladder whilst being pinned, and he's twitching. At this point the referee should be checking if he's not legit hurt. When not enough old guy bones are being crushed, Dreamer elbow drops a ladder and RVD breaks his fucking back hitting the Rolling Thunder on the same ladder. Dreamer steals RVD's frog splash, even getting the detail right of landing horribly and selling for a good few seconds before hitting the pin. Fuck, he's actually broken his wrist, hasn't he? And yet they don't go home. The story of missed moves continues as RVD hits a split-legged moonsault on to a chair. Dreamer hits a piledriver and RVD bounces like hell. (I told you - rubber.)

These men just do not know when to finish. After a ladder crotch spot, and a Van Daminator, and another attempted frog splash... Dreamer is still going. RVD even attempts to set up a Dreamer Driver, but sadly (thankfully?) he doesn't get to follow through. At least it only takes one more frog splash before thankfully, it's over. The ECW guys are friends again, too. Now Dreamer can get some medical treatment. Please.

Christy interview number 4tune... is with Fortune. "Thank God that's over" -Ric Flair. He says no one wants to see two old men destroying themselves, just a month after his car crash Last Man Standing with Mick Foley. "This pathetic reunion of EV2.0 has been going on way too long" -Robert Roode, not lying at all. Christy seems to be entirely okay with being part of a sex celebration with all 5 of the Fortune guys after they win.

Match 5: Fortune (AJ Styles/James Storm/Robert Roode/Kazarian/Douglas Williams) vs. EV2.0 (Rhino/Raven/Sabu/Stevie Richards/Brian Kendrick) - Winning Side Fires One of the Losing Side​

JB's mic malfunctions, so his entire introduction to Fortune is "...ORTUNE!". Tenay mentions that what brought Hogan and Flair together was a perceived slight by Dixie Carter regarding them and EV2.0. Yeah, in their position, I'd be pretty incensed if anyone said EV2.0 was better than me. Maybe Immortal are the faces? EV2.0 don't get named in their introduction. Raven's wearing a Thing 1 shirt. No, I didn't make that up. Match inexplicably starts while a mass brawl is occurring - Earl Hebner doesn't even bother controlling them. We get a brief glimpse of Kendrick taking on Kaz and Doug, showing us some actual high-pace, high-stakes action... then Kendrick gets (seemingly legit) injured. Well, fuck.

With that massive damper on this match, Beer Money's heart doesn't seem to be in doing their double team spots. "Fortune is the younger, more stealth-like team" -Taz. Because, of course, wrestling is all about stealth, and that's why Solid Snake is an undefeated 20-year champion. Stevie Richards spends a good 4 minutes getting bullied again and again, until Kaz tries to mock him with a Stevie Kick - and ends up mocked himself with a stolen Wave of the Future. A move that I literally haven't seen Kaz use this year. Rhino is probably one of the best hot tags there is in kayfabe, and he demonstrates this, ploughing through 5 men in a row. Though, eventually, the match settles into a pattern and he keeps getting beaten up.

Sabu's the second consecutive EV2.0 hot tag, and he takes a chair out and does his reckless chair -> springboard thing. Speaking of springboard, AJ attempts his rare springboard 450, but he has to roll through. We get the typical chain-of-finishers spot, featuring such highlights as:

• Doug Williams' top rope European uppercut being called a "European uppercut-style shot" by Tenay, the master of not calling moves what they are
• Kaz using the Fade to Black (his actual current finisher) and making Stevie BOUNCE
• Roode eating a Gore that flings him so far it looks like he breaks his neck on the ring ropes
• Sabu showing off his legendary finisher, Throw A Chair At The Guy's Face
• And finally, AJ catching an attempted Frankensteiner by Sabu into a Styles Clash for the pin and the win.

According to the commentary, it was the person who ate the pin that got fired, so Sabu's gone. I never thought I'd say this about Sabu before I actually saw him work in 2010... but this is not a big loss. Flair didn't get the memo, and he relates actual reasons for the firing. Those reasons being that he didn't like the Sheik. RVD and Dreamer come out after that gnarly match they had to eulogise along with the rest of EV2.0. Dreamer's got the wrist wrapped up.

Christy Interview The Fifth! And it's the Pope. He's got his Congregation, or in other words, "We got all the African-American men we could find and put Pope-style sunglasses on them". Christy smiles awkwardly like it's a porn video. "It's better to be pissed off than pissed on" -Pope's dad, apparently, which is something Pope remembered while taking a piss. Please don't tell me there's going to be actual piss involved in this angle. Hey, Jeff Hardy's in the main event, so you never know. After the promo, Mickie James and Tara come in - they're still brawling! An hour later! The Congregation separate them for a bit, but eventually have to leave for the match. Madison finally shows up (hey, Madison! You missed your cue by miles!) and beats on Mickie too.

Match 6: Abyss vs. D'Angelo Dinero - Lumberjack Match​

Fuck, this means jarrett's semi-main eventing, doesn't it? Looks to me like Abyss is developing an ECW limp. Pope showing up with the Congregation is a great touch. What if he'd gotten to be champion? Would we get this sort of entrance at Bound for Glory? That would be great. Pope's money rain rating: LITERALLY JUST FOUR BILLS. That's right, Immortal are so cheap with outsiders they couldn't even be bothered to repack the fake bills. Taz insists that none of the lumberjacks have ever actually been lumberjacks, which leads to this bizarre exchange.

"In South Brooklyn we have certain types of hunting."
"Like?"
"Check."

Pope makes the ludicrously regular mistake of going for a sunset flip on a 350-pound man; Abyss responds by trying a seated senton and destroying his tailbone when Pope runs away. Pope's legit brother is repeatedly pointed out. Abyss gets tossed out and swarmed by the Congregation, although they choose to put him back in the ring without even roughing him up. They suck at being lumberjacks. This is demonstrated by the fact that Abyss takes control for several minutes after this. The sequence ends in a really clean counter to a Black Hole Slam followed by a floatover DDT.

Pope hits the inverted atomic drop. How is that move not counted as a low blow? It doesn't even look like it's attacking the tailbone like a regular atomic drop - just going straight for the nads. Abyss' Shock Treatment backbreaker doesn't even look like Pope lands on his shoulders. Pope goes for a crossbody to the outside that barely even hits Abyss, then goes for some sort of splash on the inside that ends up as a botched diving headbutt. Eventually, Bischoff shows up, and it's revealed that he's paid off the entire Congregation to attack Pope at this critical moment! The smiling fucking mug makes money signs as they beat him down, then send him in for a Black Hole Slam and defeat. This was more of a storyline match than a workrate one. Stop making Abyss work clean, please.

Christy interview six sees her head to the EV2.0 dressing room, trying to talk to Sabu, but getting Stevie Richards instead. He berates Fortune for thinking they own the place - they certainly have more of a claim to it than the ECW guy faction. We're getting Stevie vs. AJ on Impact - I wonder who's going to do most of the work for that one. As I watch the jarrett/Joe video package, it makes me think: isn't Joe the only pro-Hogan individual that remained face after the Immortal event?

Match 7: Jeff jarrett vs. Samoa Joe​

jarrett stares down the commentators. Is he upset at Tenay for calling him out before? Or Taz, for pointing out that he can't count? He puts on an absolute drone of a promo where he relates how he is Going To Win The Upcoming Match. Eventually he gets tired of the "You sold out" chants and walks out - only to be stopped by Samoa Joe! That singlehandedly makes this the only jarrett promo of 2010 that didn't make me feel a little more dead inside. We get a solid minute of stalling before jarrett finally gets in the ring - and doesn't get as demolished as I'd hope. Joe looks like he's about to give himself a little handy to break out of jarrett's hold.

Taz claims the speed advantage goes to jarrett, immediately before Joe picks up a burst of speed and takes advantage. Ref is asking jarrett whether he wants to give up 3 minutes in. jarrett breaks out of Joe's spinebuster attempt and then puts on a really pathetic-looking ankle lock. Tenay calls out Taz on helping Kurt Angle when jarrett attacked him, but not Joe. Apparently it's because he relates to Angle's neck issues. Joe's apparently fine, even though his knees and lower back are nonexistent thanks to a bunch of dumb spots (remember the dropkick on concrete steps from 2008?). He can still kick out of the Stroke, though. And another one from the top rope.

jarrett attempts to introduce a chair for the second time, and Joe dives into him, bumping the referee. Of course. Shenanigans. He's about to hit the Muscle Buster, but he has to fend off Gunner and Murphy, and once they're dealt with, jarrett attacks him with a nightstick. He knocks Joe out with a nightstick-assisted rear naked choke, and then puts on a pathetic attempt at a Coquina Clutch which the referee perceives as having knocked Joe out... Well, it's a jarrett match. What can I say except "disappointed, but not surprised"?

We get a recap that must have been put together in two minutes, before Christy interview number seven, with Bischoff and the ex-Congregation. Apparently they're the "Brotherhood of the True Immortals" now. I bet we never see them again. The smiling fucking mug gets a pair of sunglasses and two cross pendants, in what I think is a very fitting culmination of the "dorky white kid gets Pope's sunglasses" series.

A recap of the excessively stupid events that have somehow led to Matt Morgan being the top face ensues.

Match 8: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Matt Morgan - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

In kayfabe, the pyro guy seems to have forgotten Morgan's not a heel anymore and gives him his usual pyro. It's such a weird plot hole to point out, but this has happened twice for Pope, so it's surely something that should be relevant. Hardy is fairly late to come out and his movements are slow and staggering. I already fear the worst. The teenage girl demographic is still hype, though. Crowd is surprisingly behind Morgan - with a few women in the back chanting Hardy instead. The first couple of minutes contains very little offense, and what offense there is, Morgan only sells half the time. There's an extended sequence where Hardy, outside the ring, should have been counted out 3 times over. Must be because the newbie referee, Jackson James, is involved.

Morgan goes for a jumping leg drop and misses, to which Hardy remembers to do a bit of psychology and works the knee. This continues for most of the match. Sorry, there's not much to talk about, given that you're asking Jeff Hardy, of all people, to work a slow-paced submission match. Morgan recovers and tears off Hardy's shirt, to the delight of that one screaming voice in the nosebleed seats that I continue to call the "teenage girl demographic" despite it clearly being just one person and a regular plant. Hardy at one point does the hand sign he regularly does, but then flips off the crowd. Nice heel touch. Doesn't stop him getting caught for a chokeslam.

A low blow with zero subtlety doesn't get Hardy disqualified (newbie referee) but lets him set up the Twist of Hate (that move is officially renamed now!). The crowd is pretty much divided 50/50. Morgan has him pinned for the three, but Jackson James only counts it as a two, despite Hardy never kicking out. Maybe it's because Morgan dropped the leg hook so Hardy's heel hit him in the head. After a bit of argument with the referee, an alleged "finishing sequence" ends with a Whisper in the Wind and Twist of Hate to give Hardy the win. The rest of Immortal show up to celebrate wildly with champagne and a sea of confetti. Looks like this will be the norm... especially because there's no more faces available. See you next Impact, if they haven't changed its name to "The Immortal Show" at this point.

 

[Chris]

I think I may have skipped this PPV honestly bc I have like no recollection of it but I thought I was watching all of them live at this point in time

 

[Sky]

Impact November 11, 2010 - These Go To 11/11​

The opening video, naturally focuses on the increasing hopelessness for anyone who dares to stand in Immortal's way. "Odds were stacked against me" -Jeff Hardy, without a hint of irony. How soon we forget the referee mistake that prevented Matt Morgan of all people from holding one of America's major wrestling championships.

We open with another unexpected debut - the Immortal theme song! As far as I remember, we don't get to hear this often, as Immortal don't tend to fight as a unit given how widespread they are. Anyway, overexposure would just show off how much the opening guitar is a discount Voodoo Child ripoff. Most of the crew are in the ring, with Bischoff, Flair and AJ Styles getting a word in in a promo segment that was thankfully nowhere near as long as the show after BFG. Like that promo, though, they introduce Immortal's champion, Jeff Hardy, in a separate entrance. He talks all cryptic-like for a good while. Like, seriously, I cannot understand what this guy is saying on a good day.

Hulk Hogan also gets his own entrance. According to the Hulkster, Ric Flair's presence was one of his prerequisites for joining TNA, and he wastes a bit of time praising the Nature Boy. So, why are they all out here? They dim the lights, and a title belt is lowered to the ring. Yes, it's the debut of...

This absolute horror of a vanity championship, "designed" by Jeff Hardy in such a way that it made fans at the time praise the Cena spinner. "Now that you've dranketh from the Cup of Hulkamania" -Hogan, thinking he's from the 14th century. His skin certainly looks like it. Hogan trashes the old belt, Madusa-style.

Wait, maybe this segment is as long as the post-BFG one, as after Hogan implies you'd be a fool to oppose Immortal now, Pope comes out from the crowd and does just that! "Did you buy a ticket?" -Bischoff, forgetting that they can't even charge admission inside Universal Studios. Samoa Joe's also here, pissed at being screwed... as is RVD, who likes EV2.0 now... as is Matt Morgan. RVD can't even sound like he gives a shit about the company while he's not champion. Morgan claims Jeff is no champion - well, who's the one with the belt? Not you. He asks Hogan where his balls are for a while, then Hogan/Bischoff/Flair head off to work out what the hell they're going to do this week. This opening segment was 23 minutes. Says it all.

And when we get back from commercial, the three heads of Immortal make the matches for tonight. It's Joe vs. Gunner/Murphy, RVD vs. Kazarian, and Morgan vs. Beer Money AND Douglas Williams. Wow, multiple handicap matches with the heels having the advantage. What compelling television! I wonder what's going to happen in these hot, competitive matches? I wonder what?! Can you tell I'm losing my marbles from this stuff? We get a walk-and-talk interview with Robbie E, Cookie, and some nameless extra where everyone talks over each other. The upcoming match does get mentioned, though...

Match 1: Robbie E/Cookie vs. Jay Lethal/Taylor Wilde​

This match had to be taped twice, apparently, because the first one was so fucking bad. Let's hope the second was an improvement. Taylor Wilde, we're reminded, is still a Knockouts Tag Team Champion. What happened to those belts? Where's Hamada? (Apparently, she headed back to Japan and requested her release in October. Relatable.) Cookie refuses to wrestle, thankfully, but the referee insists. Also, according to Taz, she stole her boots from Gene Simmons' locker room. It starts as a protracted out-of-ring slapfight, which is as much as you'd expect from the heel team.

After some rudimentary wrestling between Robbie and Lethal, the latter tags in Taylor and Cookie is suddenly not talking any shit at all. This should be how people feel about Taylor! She beat Awesome Kong for the Knockouts Championship in the month of her debut! She can mess you up! (On top of that, she looks fantastic.) Anyway, Cookie tags out before she can actually be touched and then feels free to taunt once more. Robbie then comes on to Taylor. Get these Shore fucks off my TV. There's a referee distraction which allows Robbie to blindside Lethal - why was the referee distracted? He didn't actually do anything that would draw a DQ.

A second distraction lets Robbie and Cookie double team Lethal, but it doesn't even matter! The referee straight up ignores Cookie later on when she interferes! Cookie lets Lethal remove her boot (ew) and the all-woman, three-booted chase around the ring lets Robbie use the boot to smack Lethal in the face and get the pin. All I have to say was... how bad was the first match?! Taylor Wilde did not get to pull off one wrestling move. The X Division and the Knockouts (two hallmarks of TNA) died on this night.

Up next, it's the Team 3D retirement ceremony. "Please don't go" chants, which shows that the fans don't lose interest in actual good wrestlers after watching trash like Robbie E a minute before. They go through the beats you'd expect for a retirement ceremony - talk about what they did for tag team wrestling in TNA, and about their future. Devon lets off one last Testify and their music hits to play them off... before Ray sneak attacks him! What an unexpected twist, and something they won't tell us any more about until later!

We get a bit of Bischoff chastising his referees. If he's to be believed, Jackson James screwing up the call had nothing to do with him and he blames Earl Hebner for appointing James and making it look like he's a crook. Of course, Bischoff is not to be believed. Morgan shows up to back Jackson up, because he's a Top Face now, and that's what Top Faces should do. Even as a face he sounds like a massive jerk. He asks for Jackson James, of all the referees, to officiate his handicap match, because he'll be redeemed by.... allowing Morgan to win?

Match 2: Samoa Joe vs. Gunner/Murphy - Handicap Match​

Once again, we're well into the second hour and this is only match number two. Joe, for me, is one of those workers where you can tell by his face how good his future booking is going to be. Like Sasha Banks. By my calculations... it will be absolutely terrible. Still, he gets a good showing, being initially overwhelmed by the 2-on-1 advantage but picking it up and getting a win against the Immortal security by pinning Murphy. Gunner shows up to apply a beatdown, but is quickly choked out. And then, because we can't have nice things, along comes Jeff jarrett with the nightstick. How many Impact matches has it been since we've seen a face beat an Immortal member and then not be screwed? Too many. Kurt Angle does show up, Angle Slam the goons and run jarrett off, though.

Immortal's heads and their pet Abyss are in the office, discussing what the fuck just happened. Gunner and Murphy, according to Flair, are "done", which I doubt will stick. Eric Bischoff and Abyss head to the bathroom, but the smiling fucking mug is no longer smiling after he gets jumped by the Pope, who takes him off... somewhere. As bathroom-based segments go, it's no Desmond Wolfe/Chelsea/Lacey Von Erich. (Lacey, for the record, left TNA the day this episode aired, which must be interesting for the state of Miss Tessmacher's training as a wrestler.)

Match 3: Rob Van Dam vs. Kazarian - If RVD Wins, He is Number 1 Contender to the World Heavyweight Championship​

Fans are losing their enthusiasm for chanting RVD's theme, and losing it fast. Commentary mentions that another recent release from TNA is Rhino! EV2.0 is basically down to a skeleton staff at this point. RVD plays to the crowd like an idiot and gets a dropkick to the legs. He then does his stock RVD spots for a while, letting Kaz get limited offense. A Kaz crossbody bumps the referee, because of course it fucking does. Ric Flair's about to use a chair, before the apparently-released Rhino shows up and wrests it away from him. Then... he Gores RVD?? What was the point of that swerve? Make us think EV2.0 can be an actual united front, then say "LOL go fuck yourself"? Thanks for invalidating the Turning Point match! After Kaz wins, Rhino wipes out RVD and Tommy Dreamer with the chair.

Meanwhile, in Pope-attacking-Bisch news, he's taken him somewhere backstage, where he beats on him, lectures him, and even gives him his Pope regalia and makes him do a bad rap. Hogan is pissed that this is happening - Abyss is on watching Bisch duty (and, it seems, back to meek loser mode). While Abyss goes off to find Bisch and Pope, they give us a goldfish-memory recap of stuff that's happened.

Match 4: AJ Styles (c) vs. Stevie Richards - for the Television Championship​

Champ out first. Stevie jumps AJ during his entrance, they brawl IN THE RING, they go to a break... and somehow, only after the break does the opening bell ring. AJ is out in a shirt but Stevie has none of that shit, tearing it off. AJ does... something. A springboard moonsault knee drop to the rope-hung opponent? Does that have a name? Whatever it is, it looks badass. There's far too many restholds for an AJ Styles match. Commentary talks up about the history of prestigious TV titles... of which the TNA TV title is absolutely not one. It's not the ECW one. It's not the WCW one in its heyday. It's not even the WCW one in 2000 when Jim Duggan won it by finding it in the fucking garbage. Speaking of fucking garbage, this show so far.

Stevie tries to hit AJ in the corner but just smashes his balls on the turnbuckle. A flying forearm attempt sees AJ eat a Stevie Kick... but his foot was on the rope. Got to hand it to them - the crowd was behind the idea of giving Stevie Richards, of all the people, a big win. The finish sees AJ seemingly tease the Styles Clash but instead go for a really sickening looking standing driver. Stevie's neck must be fucked. Would have been worse if he'd gone through with the actual Clash, as Stevie looked like he was about to Yoshi Tatsu himself.

Meanwhile in Pope vs. Bischoff news, Pope finds another, less dented casket, knocks Bisch the hell out, and carts him in. He's wheeling the casket out to the ring before Abyss stops him and attacks him. The smiling fucking mug does eventually come to while the casket's open, and uppercuts Pope right in the nads. They then put Pope in that casket. Literally buried.

Match 5: Fortune (James Storm/Robert Roode/Douglas Williams) vs. Matt Morgan - Handicap Match​

If Morgan's such an enemy of Immortal, why do they shell out for his pyro? This is... yeah, it starts right off the bat as a 3-on-1 beatdown. Morgan tries to fight them off, but is overpowered. They work his legs, including a Figure 4 by James Storm, of all people. Bischoff is pissed about what's been happening (why? You've dominated this show!) and shows up on commentary. His job involves yelling at Tenay. Bisch announces, for some reason, that Morgan's going to get a World Title shot if he wins. Why would you do this? You control the company! Why would you give faces opportunities? Morgan manages to fight back, and seems to have the upper hand... but that's all we have time for, and the show bleeds into ReAction. Of course.

During the third hour, Beer Money, for some reason, leave Williams alone while Morgan is confronting Ric Flair. Williams is left to the wolves for the Carbon Footprint and win. First of all, Hardy/Morgan again?? Second, why do this finish? It just makes Fortune look like losers who can't stay united to save their life either. Bischoff wants Jackson James fired for the crime of not handing the match to Beer Money. Jeff Hardy shows up on screen - but it's a distraction as he runs through the crowd to attack Morgan! At least that's a nice touch to end what has been a complete turd of a show. They're 0 for 2 on fallout shows post-BFG. I'll leave you with a quote about this show from a certain other enjoyer of terrible wrestling content:

When I write Death of TNA, this show could warrant an entire chapter.

TNA isn't dead, even 10 years later, but as bad as this show was, I doubt it would fill a whole chapter... which only tells me what's to come is even worse. Oh no. See you next Impact, I guess...

 

[Sky]

Impact November 18, 2010 - or, How I Learned To Stop Caring and Hate Pro Wrestling​

This is going to be a very interesting Impact, and not necessarily because of what happens in the allotted two hours. The introduction, much like most things these days, is a montage of Jeff Hardy set to Another Me. Might as well get some mileage out of him, if you made an atrociously ugly vanity belt for him. The title of this episode is "Morgan Wooooo's the Nature Boy". First off, wrong apostrophe use, ew. Second, why do these titles tell us what is going to happen during the episode? Think about the precious kayfabe you're destroying!

Speaking of Ric Flair, he's out first! Just like most of his career, the crowd respects him despite being a heel. The packed house is, according to Flair, for Immortal, Fortune, and him. Quite the opposite, I think you'll find. Because of referee-based reasons, Ric Flair is appointing himself special guest ref for the Final Resolution match, even though he obviously can't drop to his knees to count a pin. He then decides that now is the time, when he's out on his own without Fortune to back him up, to call out a 7-foot man who hates him.

First order of business: Morgan can't call him Naitch anymore. Also he keeps calling himself God, which... Vince McMahon would beg to differ. The title shot for which Ric Flair has already given himself refereeship is apparently nullified unless Morgan can beat Flair in an actual match. Please, no. Morgan just wants to say he's wrestled Ric Flair. Happy-to-be-here mode - the code for "I'm being buried soon". Flair then talks about having sex with a horse, or at least that's what I got from it.

Meanwhile backstage, Gen.Me are heading out for their match where they meet Tara. She hits on them and smacks Jeremy's ass. Tara really is leaning into the cougar thing at this stage in her career, and I'm all for it. We get info on our upcoming matches whilst Jay Lethal is making his entrance: Abyss's Casket Match open challenge (huh) and Hardy vs. Raven, where if Raven loses, he is fired. Random massive stipulation with zero build alert, much?

Match 1: Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin/Jay Lethal/Velvet Sky vs. Max Buck/Jeremy Buck/Robbie E/Cookie​

I doubt this gets five minutes, even with eight people. Jobber entrance for the entire heel team. Sky and Sabin are not just Facebook official, they are kayfabe official, which is fairly commonplace today, but feels odd in 2010. Whilst Taz is mentioning this, we cut to Shelley looking leerily at her. Please don't tell me this is the leadup to another team breakup storyline. Faces have the edge early. They do a really heelish tactic - Max Buck is in the Tree of Woe, the three men rush the other corner to distract the referee, while Velvet takes the opportunity and stamps on Max's nuts. The difference between a face and a heel, apparently, is who the crowd cheer for. So, Jeff jarrett has never been a face.

Shelley takes a nasty dropkick while on the outside - looks like it rearranges his face. Referee is once again an idiot, and his interventions only benefit the heels. Cookie briefly tags in and looks completely out of place in a wrestling ring. Robbie's trunks have a fist on the ass. That combined with his later team being named "Bro Mans", maybe that's trying to make a statement. Sabin and Sky are already doing tag team combo moves... I won't complain, if it gets me more Velvet Sky on TV. Skull and Bones should finish it, but Shelley isn't the legal man and Sabin eats some hairspray, which allows a rollup win for the heels. Velvet and Cookie are catfighting in the corner for the entirety of this finish.

Jeff jarrett is decked out in MMA gear. Apparently his recent submission win over Samoa Joe makes him think he can fight legit. Insert CM Punk joke here. MCMG complain about the Bucks cheating, and challenge them to an empty arena match during ReAction, after everyone else has gone home. That makes it two things of interest that happen on ReAction this week. jarrett's talking to the very much non-fired Gunner and Murphy (any explanation for this?) and telling them to keep him safe from Kurt Angle. He also bullies Jeremy Borash. What is it with jarrett and abusing JB? As if to telegraph Kurt Angle interference, we get a Kurt Angle video package.

JB is already in the ring to introduce the Double-J Double-M-A Exhibition! jarrett comes out with 6 scrawny local jobbers (including, believe it or not, Samuel Shaw again!) dressed up as MMA fighters. The guy who does the lower third captions has fun with this.

Borash gives a "don't try this at home" explanation, and jarrett demands that there be a lower third reiterating that. jarrett then demonstrates several MMA submissions, including:

• The cross-armbreaker ("You gotta put your knee in the solar plexus" says jarrett, before proceeding not to do that)
• The kneebar ("My buddy Frank Mir, he made big Brock tap to this" - that's either a really dated shot at WWE, or a really ahead-of-its-time shot at WWE)
• The ankle lock ("This has been perfected by a former TNA champion" - wait for Angle chants - "Ken Shamrock")
• The rear naked choke (which looks the weakest of the bunch, because jarrett does it like he'd do a rest hold)

The "boring" chants set in about halfway through the first hold. Eventually Samoa Joe shows up to stop this charade. He'll get a submission match from jarrett if he can tap out the remaining two geeks. Which he does, in short order (while jarrett encourages his "students" to shoot on him). Guess this is happening, then...

Match 2: Samoa Joe vs. Jeff jarrett - Submission Match​

Oh wait, it isn't happening, as jarrett sics the students on him and runs off. Doesn't stop Joe from laying out all six of them. What a terrible, terrible segment.

Back in the EV2.0 dressing room (which seems to change location every week), Stevie Richards is trying to hype up Raven for his all-or-nothing match with Hardy. That's going to be a hell of a task. Trying to rile up Raven is like trying to get a crowd to sympathise with Jeff jarrett. Dreamer mentions that they lost the FBI - at least someone remembers they were in TNA. I almost forgot myself.

Match 3: Jeff Hardy vs. Raven - Raven Must Win or Be Fired​

Jobber entrance for Raven. Hardy gets a long-winded entrance on the same level as the Pope's Lockdown entrance, and then... "And now... introducing his opponent... Raven". Genuine smile from me. Hardy gets tripped to the outside early on and just looks stupid. Speaking of looking stupid, Raven sets up a steel chair in the corner but gets tripped into it. Then Hardy misses Whisper in the Wind. Guess both guys are eating shit tonight. Raven's too slow to hit the Evenflow DDT, so eats a Twist of Hate and Swanton, and is fired. That was... not even three minutes. I shit on EV2.0, but you could at least treat them as a threat after months of doing so before. Raven's TNA career ends like his WWE career did: by losing to Jeff Hardy.

What's left of EV2.0 comes out to console the recently-fired Raven, but then Hogan comes out to berate him. He says that EV2.0 doesn't mean anything as much as he did to wrestling (keep this in mind - he'll expand on this in a bit). "WHAT ABOUT ME, WAAH WAAH WAAH" -Hogan, thinking he did a valid impression of Raven's career. What if Hogan was in ECW? He'd be fucking destroyed.

Dreamer remains in the ring for the next segment, where he berates Rhino for turning heel. Rhino has no music (because he's fired) but still comes out via the entrance ramp and still has his tron. According to Rhino, EV2.0 didn't care about his contract expiring (valid) but Bischoff did (if he did, why wouldn't he have renewed it??). He was a world champ in TNA before RVD was, and yet he was de-emphasised. He also wants to feed his family. So... why is he the heel? Dreamer gives his usual "I love wrestling, and I fucked myself up for it" promo, but Rhino is having none of it. "You just quit" -uh, no, Dreamer, his contract expired. RVD comes out to save Dreamer from a Rhino beatdown (why wasn't he there to console Raven?? Say it with me - it doesn't have to make sense!), but fails.

Abyss is trudging like a big monster boy, whilst Matt Morgan is talking to an unseen interview while the camera pans down in such a way that makes him appear naked.

Match 4: Abyss vs. Shannon Moore - Casket Match​

Moore answered the open challenge - guess he really wants to be buried like the Pope was. Is it just me who thinks the Book of DILLIGAF prop has nothing in it at all? By all storytelling sense, this match should be a squash, but Moore is getting in offense and it's not selling the dominance of Abyss. At one point, it even looks like Abyss will just be rolled into the casket! Moore tries a moonsault to the outside but gets absolutely none of it. Moore is once again very close to winning - why? Finish comes when Abyss opens the casket... and the Pope is somehow inside it! Cool magic trick, maybe. The match is thrown out as Pope and Abyss brawl. Like... how do you get a DQ in a casket match? Just have Abyss win and then do the Moore/Pope switch. That would work better.

Angelina Love apparently looked Mickie James up to find out everything about her, as if she hadn't been on internationally-broadcast TV for the past several years. "If Mickie thinks she's going to be handed the number 1 contendership, she couldn't be more wrong" -Angelina, who has no idea about TNA's policies with ex-WWE wrestlers.

Match 5: Angelina Love vs. Mickie James - Knockouts Championship Number 1 Contender's Match​

Angelina's outfit is vaguely chainmail-y. Mickie's gear is more sensible than last week. This is... fairly standard Diva fare, ultimately, but "fairly standard Diva fare" is far better than what most of these Knockouts have been given recently. Mickie pulls off the same sort of rollup that she didn't notice Tara had botched at BFG. "That's a hot monkey" -Taz on Mickie. Camera is entirely in Mickie's Daisy Duke-clad rear at one point. Mickie offers a handshake, to which Angelina attacks her. She's slowly turning heel, and Winter is possibly to blame. Botox Injection hits, but Angelina crawls slow like HHH vs. Booker T and only gets two. Mickie, remembering her WWE training, turns to hard camera before hitting the jumping DDT and winning.

Brother Ray is walking with purpose, whilst Angelina is in the back breaking stuff. Who should console her but Winter? Oh yeah, an actual Knockouts storyline is happening. One ad break later, Brother Ray comes out to explain why he betrayed Devon, briefly. Essentially, it's because Devon's weak enough to let Sabin kick out of the 3D, which Ray demonstrates by rattling off a bunch of ECW and WWE guys who didn't kick out. A "We want Devon" chant duels with literally one guy chanting "Brother Ray". He calls Devon the Jannetty (yep). "You're nothing more than a guy who got my tables" -this is actually a killer line! Not to mention that, in the WWE of 2002, he demonstrated that he was more than capable of doing that on his own.

Match 6: Matt Morgan vs. Ric Flair - If Morgan Wins, He Chooses the Referee for the Title Match at Final Resolution; If Flair Wins, Morgan is Out of the Title Match​

So, even though Flair declared himself the referee, there is now almost no chance of Flair being the referee at all. Makes sense. I prefer Flair's robes to Morgan's. One thing I really notice in this match - Flair never takes bumps on his back; he's always rolling on his side. To be fair to him, he was in a plane crash that broke his back in three places, but it's a curiosity. Morgan does his back elbows, to which Flair does a pretty nice flop. Ref gets bumped, because OF COURSE. It goes to the outside, where Flair gets busted open, as is tradition. This match, like most Impact main events these days, bleeds into ReAction...

Over on the little-watched, little-noticed red-headed stepchild of Thursday nights, Morgan hits a side slam, which Flair - once again - does not take on his back. Same with the chokeslam. Fortune come out to beat on Morgan, as expected, but Doug Williams doesn't take part. When AJ calls him out on this, he instead... attacks AJ, turning face! It's a fairly expected development, but it's satisfying. I'd rather see Williams main event against Hardy than Morgan - would track with his hatred of high flyers. Fortune gets cleared out, and Morgan gives Flair the Carbon Footprint for the pin and the win. Yep.

But now we cover the rest of ReAction! I do this because there's two notable things that happen on this episode of ReAction. I hope you don't mind that I do them out of order. First, the MCMG vs. Generation Me match...

Match 7: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) vs. Generation Me (Max Buck/Jeremy Buck) - Unsanctioned Empty Arena Match​

This is shot in cinematic fashion, with the camera work being a mixture between Blair Witch and Kevin Dunn. Because of this, it's not really easy to appreciate the quality of the wrestling, but it's still a great watch. Tenay and Taz put in a little bit of subdued golf commentary. MCMG try to do their step-up spot against the guardrail, but a guardrail's easier to escape on than a corner, and Sabin ends up getting smashed in the ribs. Shelley tries to ground-and-pound, which must be difficult while you're 1 against 2. "Let's break his freakin' neck" -the Bucks, repeatedly. A very cool spot occurs where Sabin splashes both his opponents while they're preparing to do that double DDT, but seems to just hurt his wrist in the process. "Oh man, whoo" -Taz, as if he's in post-nut clarity.

Max camel-clutch-chokes Sabin with a belt before the Bucks get him in a camel clutch/Boston crab combo. Shelley then shows up with a belt of his own, as Max takes multiple belt shots like a champ. "You're getting a real birds-eye view of how physical this business is" -Taz, forgetting the lack of hard camera means we're instead getting a much lower view than usual. Guns bring out a table but get it dropkicked into them. Eventually Jeremy eats a Skull and Bones through a table on the outside. Fuck me, that's sick. His nose is probably broken legit. "WE ARE GOING TO KILL YOU!" -Shelley to Max, who's currently bound to the ring post. On that very heelish note, the Guns just leave their hapless opponents there to close it off.

That... was an experience. It felt like it was the closer to a feud, which is odd considering that (1) it was on fucking ReAction, and (2) it's not even the last Guns/Bucks match this year. Still, Guns/Bucks = good thing. You can watch the match here:



What happened before that, the second thing I want to talk about, is an utterly maddening promo by Hulk Hogan (of all the people to show up on ReAction). In the space of a minute and a half, the Hulkster completely shits on kayfabe and outright states that nothing you do in the ring or on the mic matters unless you drew in the 1980s. Link to the promo below, followed by a transcript (emphasis mine).

Brother, we're lightening the load around here, we're trimming the fat, we're thinning the herd. I mean, you know, it's pathetic. It's pathetic that Dixie would let this company get in the shape it's in. It's her train of thought. Raven, who hasn't had a damn shower or bath? You know, with RVD, and that whole crew out there? They mean to professional wrestling what Hulk Hogan, who sold out Shea Stadium, who put 94,000 people in the Pontiac Silverdome, who slammed the 700-pound giant - they mean to professional wrestling what Hulk Hogan means? No wonder this company was in the shape it's in. It's time to get rid of the trash, the garbage, the worthless pieces of crap out here, and we started with Dixie Carter.

Yeah, we're getting very real around here. We are so real, it's unbelievable. Because if you don't get over, like I said, you're fired. If you don't draw a number, if you don't entertain, if you don't put asses in seats, if you don't put the coinage in the piggy bank, you're fired! No more games. No more "Kayfabe - It's a work - I've won 34 tag team belts". Who gives a damn how many fake belts you won?! If you don't draw money, you get fired around here. If you don't put asses in seats, you're gone.

That is... Wow. Just wow. Way to shit on the business, Hulkster, not to mention the fans for enjoying it. I have no idea why both of Team 3D didn't just walk on the spot after hearing the bolded. I guess it's a miracle that this was on ReAction - if Hogan had cut this promo on Impact, people would actually have seen it, and they'd get the fuck away from this disaster of a TNA. See you next Impact, not that it matters because it features a lot of people who aren't Hulk Hogan, don't draw, and therefore aren't worth anyone's time.

 

[Chris]

That was an experience to read as it was to watch 10 years ago

Amazing title btw and Double J Double M A Exhibition HYPE bc it's almost time for the Crimson boi