Royal Rumble decided by comments

[Mandalorian]

Alright, I have my 30. How the hell am I gonna book this man lmao

Simon Dean wins, easy.

 

[King Kota]

Simon Dean wins, easy.

on the way down to the ring his segway breaks down, by the time he's bout to fix it batista comes out lays him out drags him in the ring and then over the top rope

 

[Vegeta]

Zach Gowen has a leg up on the competition

 

[Jarf]

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome everyone to the space time vortex we were sucked into in order to make this a possibility. The ring announcer explains the rules to the match, and out comes number 1.

Number 1: Brodie Lee

Brodie Lee enters the ring to a raucous ovation from whoever the hell is in the audience. (I guess wrestlingsmarks users), waiting for number 2.

Number 2: Jon Moxley

Jon Moxley makes his way through the audience. And as soon as the bell rings, these two start going at it. Turning the match into more of a brawl early. Mox blades off a superkick from Brodie and is going to be bleeding for the entire match, ladies and gentlemen. Soon enough, the countdown starts and out comes…

Number 3: Simon Dean

Simon tries to make an alliance with Brodie. Brodie just stares at him, so Simon immediately starts putting the boots to Moxley, who’s still down and still bleeding. Simon tries to high five Brodie, who turns Simon inside out with a Discus Clothesline. Simon Dean rolls under the bottom rope so he is not eliminated. Moxley gets back up and the brawl between them continues.

Number 4: Lochness

It takes a solid minute for Lochness to make it to the ring as Mox and Brodie brawl inside. And when he gets in, Mox and Brodie turn their attention towards him and toss him over together.

Number 5: Papa Shango

The voodoo master comes down and puts a curse on both Mox and Brodie. Mox sells it by blading some more while Brodie pulls out a stack of papers and throws it at Shango’s head, the force of which is so strong that Shango flies over the top, but hangs on as Brodie goes back to fighting with Moxley. Shango tries to come back into the fray, but Moxley grabs the papers this time and chucks them at Shango’s head, giving himself a paper cut in the process. But with all this ridiculousness, out comes…

Number 6: Danhausen

Danhausen comes face to face with Papa Shango, and raises his arms. Shango pleads with Danhausen not to do it… but Danhausen puts a curse on Papa Shango. Shango is not having this shit. He lunges at Danhausen, who drops the ropes, causing Shango to fly over the ropes and out of the match. Just from behind Danhausen, Simon Dean comes back in and Danhausen puts a curse on him too, causing Simon to run out under the bottom rope again.

Number 7: The Wall

THAT’S THE WALL BROTHER! The Wall makes his way down and barrels over everyone in the ring. He gives a chokeslam to Mox, Danhausen and even Brodie. He lifts Danhausen over his shoulders and goes to toss him out, but Danhausen slips off the back and runs at him, and The Wall hits him with a nasty clothesline.

Number 8: Griffin McCoy

Griffin comes face to face with the Wall and tries taking him on. Hitting him with the classics, including the disaster kick off the second rope. But he gets knocked down by The Wall. Who can stop the Wall brother? Is it the next entrant?

Number 9: Bastion Booger

No. No it is not. Bastion Booger comes out with a couple hot dogs in his hands. Simon Dean stands in front of him and tries to tell him to get on the Simon System, but Booger headbutts him and gets in the ring. The Wall… tries to pick him up, but Bastion Booger farts and breaks the Wall off him. Booger gives The Wall a clothesline. Brodie superkicks Booger and lifts him over the ropes, eliminating him.

Number 10: “Dirty” Dom Mysterio

If you listen close enough, you can hear Michael Cole screaming. Dominik comes in and gets his shit stomped in by Moxley immediately. Mox is attacked from behind by Griffin McCoy, and they have a sweet mini-match, with them chopping the shit out of each other, that ends with Mox biting the hell out of McCoy.

Number 11: Amish Roadkill

Roadkill comes out and he takes on The Wall, and manages to get him over the top rope and The Wall is gone. Brodie jumps Roadkill from behind, but Roadkill is the fresher of the two and gets the better of him. Danhausen sees Dom laying in the corner, squats down towards him and tries to put a curse on him, but Dom kicks Danhausen’s hand away, gets up and hits a tilt-a-whirl arm drag.

Number 12: Mike Sharpe

Who the fuck is this guy? Doesn’t matter because he jobs out to Moxley, and gets thrown out. Roadkill tries to throw Mox out from behind, but Moxley hangs on.

Number 13: Rodney Mack

Rodney Mack comes out and tries to give all the men in the ring the 5 minute white boy challenge, but they all jump him. Griffin tries to throw Rodney Mack out, but Mack hangs on to the ropes and soon the countdown begins again.

Number 14: Gillberg

Giiiiillberg! Giiiiiillberg! Giiiiillberg! Gillberg comes out here with the sparklers and shit and it’s at this point I wish someone would’ve picked Goldberg, because he definitely would’ve been next. But Simon Dean pokes his head back out from under the ring, gets in. He sees Gillberg… and starts laughing. Gillberg flexes his arms and tries to hit a spear… and does it! The crowd goes wild as Gillberg raises his arm to signal the Jackhammer’s next. Gillberg gets Simon in position, but Simon picks Gillberg over the ropes and eliminates him. Simon Dean gets his first elimination of the match. But he’s knocked out again, after a superkick from Griffin McCoy. Simon Dean, again rolls back under the ropes as we await the halfway point.

Number 15: Batista

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Batista rushes into the ring and knocks down everyone in sight. Batista gives a Spinebuster to Roadkill before he throws him over the ropes. He spears the hell out of Danhausen before he throws him out as well. Batista and Brodie go at it. Brodie goes for a Discus Clothesline, but Batista Spears him, and hits a Batista Bomb! Drax the Destroyer goes wild.

Number 16: Zach Gowen

Zach Gowen comes out with both legs, but removes one. He gets in and hits a one legged dropkick on Rodney Mack. Rodney flies over the ropes so he lasts exactly 4:59 in the match. He’s been beaten by the one legged white boy. Dom looks at Zach Gowen… and starts laughing like an asshole. But Zach actually holds his own with Dominik and puts the little shit in his place.

Number 17: Willie Mack

Willie Mack comes out and he picks out Batista out of everyone in the match and he’s able to hit all the classics. Just gets all his shit in on Batista. Towards the end of the time. Dominik tosses Zach Gowen out. But he’s not eliminated because… only one foot touched the floor! Zach gets on the top rope and hits a crossbody on Dom.

Number 18: Toru Yano

Jon Moxley has a PTSD flashback as he hears this play through the arena. Yano comes out and Moxley runs out of the ring and jumps Yano before he can get to the ring. He tosses Yano inside and Yano puts his hand out in front of him for a handshake, but Mox is having none of that. Yano retreats to the ring post and Mox pounces on him. But he’s attacked from behind by Brodie, the other man who’s been in the match since the beginning. Dom goes outside the ring, grabs Zach Gowen’s prosthetic leg and hits him in the face with it. He tosses Zach out of the ring and then throws his other leg out of the ring and the crowd boos the hell out of this man. THIS NO GOOD SON OF A BITCH! As JR yells on commentary. That’s it, he yells. The countdown starts…

Number 19: Jim Ross

Jerry Lawler looks at Jim confused and asks him if he’s in the match. And JR says “I am now!” Just declaring himself as the next entrant because why not. He gets in their and he knocks Dom to the ground and stomps a mudhole in his ass and walks it dry! Who was supposed to come out? Doesn’t matter. Meanwhile Toru Yano has somehow managed to tie Moxley and Brodie’s legs together so now the 2 longest men in the match are on the mat. Yano pulls out fliers from his pants and throws them at both their heads.

Number 20: Gunther

The Ring General! Gunther makes his way out and chops everyone in sight. He chops the shit out of Batista, Griffin McCoy, Dominik, He has a mini-match with Willie Mack, until Gunther gets the better of the exchange and tosses him out. Griffin tries holding his own, but he gets turned inside out by a clothesline and a powerbomb. Simon Dean runs in and runs. SLAP! Right into a chop. Simon Dean rolls back under the bottom rope. Gunther ends Griffin’s night and throws him out of the ring. Toru Yano tries to shake Jim Ross’ hand while this is happening and tells him Yano to suck it, causing Yano to scream at the top of lungs.

Number 21: Rhea Ripley

Jerry Lawler says “MAMIIIIIIIII!” Rhea runs out as fast as she can, coming to the aid of Dominik. Rhea immediately puts the boots to good ol Jim Ross and throws him over. Then Rhea finds out just how big Batista’s dick is by low blowing him. She helps Dom up and they come face to face with Gunther, and they try to work together, but Gunther chops the shit out of both of them! Meanwhile, Moxley and Brodie are still trying to untie themselves.

Number 22: The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust

If you think that Gunther has any time for this shit, you are out of your mind. As soon as Goldust gets in the ring, Gunther kicks the shit out of him. Batista attacks him from behind and they have a beefy hoss battle.

Number 23: Chase Owens

Chase Owens gets in and goes after Rhea Ripley, but Rhea is no pushover and fights back and even picks Chase up and hits the Riptide. Gunther finally makes his way to Yano and HE FUCKING HATES YANO! He fucks this man up. He has no time for any of this bullshit! Gunther eliminates Yano.

Number 24: Archibald Peck

Archie comes in and taunts to the crowd, letting everyone know he’s gonna win and he’s about to do his finisher… So he… He… He trips Brodie and Moxley as they’re still tied together and then celebrates like he just won the whole match. Gunther decides that this man must die and chops Archie into the next 3 centuries. Mox and Brodie escape, they beat the bricks off Archie before throwing him out.

Number 25: Haiti Kid

Haiti Kid storms up to Rhea Ripley… and tries to fight her, but Rhea holds him back by his head and shoves him down. Haiti Kid gets back up and kicks Rhea in the shin, then stomps on Dom’s foot. Batista hits a double clothesline on Dom and Rhea before they can attack Haiti Kid. Batista drops Haiti Kid onto Dom for a little splash. Batista then picks Dom back up and throws him out of the ring. Batista high fives the Haiti Kid, before he kills him with a big boot. Batista picks Haiti Kid up and throws him out next. Meanwhile, Moxley, Brodie and Gunther are now beating the shit out of each other.

Number 26: Harley Race

Harley Race, one of wrestling’s legit toughest men gets in and beats up Goldust before throwing him out. Gunther chops Brodie and Mox, and stares a hole through Harley…. And these two start going at it. Gunther hits a chop and Harley hits a headbutt. Harley’s chest already looks like hamburger meat and Harley rocks Gunther with a hard clothesline. Brodie and Moxley’s battle finally ends as Moxley clotheslines Brodie over the top rope, and while they happens Simon Dean runs in and throws Moxley over the top rope! Mox and Brodie look at each other like “the fuck just happened?” Simon Dean turns around to see Rhea Ripley, who picks Simon up to hit a Riptide. Simon Dean rolls under the rope again… where Moxley and Brodie are waiting for him and fuck this man up. After they’ve finished murdering Simon Dean, they fist bump and leave together.

Number 27: Keita Yano

Keita Yano comes in and hits a top rope dropkick on Batista, but he’s in the ring with a bunch of sharks right now, so he has to survive. Harley and Gunther are still having their Rocky/Drago fight as they beat the shit out of the other and try to throw the other out.

Number 28: Dennis Rodman

BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! Jim Ross shouts. “It’s the Rodman.” Ross says. Rodman comes out here looking like an absolute freak and hits a few dropkicks and even gets to eliminate Chase Owens. But he gets a Spinebuster from Batista and he’s thrown out by the animal.

Number 29: Bruno Sammartino

BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! IT’S THE SAMMARTINO! Ross shouts. Bruno comes in and tackles Gunther to the ground. He hits a back body drop on Harley Race. He faces Batista and they have another hoss fight between them, and Bruno wins because he’s the fresher of the two. Bruno eliminates Keita. And with 5 entrants in the ring, it’s time for number 30.

Number 30: “MACHO WARRIOR” RIC HOGAN

The shittiest mashup in history plays throughout the building as a man, wearing some shades with warrior facepaint, wearing a rope and with a t-shirt underneath. He sprints towards the ring and Jim Ross is losing his mind on commentary!

I’VE JUST BEEN TOLD THAT MACHO MAN, ULTIMATE WARRIOR, RIC FLAIR AND HULK HOGAN DID A FOUR WAY FUSION DANCE TO COMBINE THEIR POLITICAL POWER!

Gunther chops the hell out of Macho Warrior, and Warrior chops back repeatedly with while saying WOOOO, and YEEEAH, and BROTHER before he snorts a line of coke and chops Gunther to the mat and roars! He rips up his shirt before Bruno tries to stop him. But not even the longest reigning WWE Champion in history is enough to overcome the power of MACHO WARRIOR! He big boots Bruno and hits a Big Legdrop. Then throws Bruno out! He sees Batista on the ground and hits a big splash. Before he throws him out as well! The crowd is going nuts! They’re throwing trash in the ring, they’re so excited! He puts Harley Race in the Figure 4 and yells WOO! Gunther picks Macho Warrior up and drops him with a powerbomb, but HOGAN NO SELLS IT and clotheslines Gunther over the ropes. Then throws Harley Race out as well. He sees Rhea Ripley on the mat and goes up top to hit an ELBOW DROP. Simon Dean runs in and tries to throw Hogan out, but he says, that doesn’t work for me brother! He throws Simon out. Then turns around just in time to see Rhea Ripley run towards him, and he backdrops her out of the ring AND WE HAVE A WINNER!

“MACHO WARRIOR” RIC HOGAN has overcome the odds for all his little Macho Warrior Maniacs! WOO! BROTHER! DUDE! YEAH! WOO! BROTHER! ROAR!

 

[Sky]

FINALLY one of my picks wins it and it's the joke paedophile

 

[Vegeta]

Dammit. Was hoping as it went on Simon Dean won

 

[Jarf]

FINALLY one of my picks wins it and it's the joke paedophile

The political power was too strong brother.

 

[Jarf]

Dammit. Was hoping as it went on Simon Dean won

Not with Macho Warrior in the house lmao

 

[Mandalorian]

My boy Simon was ROBBED. ROBBED, I tell you!

This was fun, nice job.