OOC Promo Advice/Feedback Thread

[Nostradamus]

Since promos heavily influence your place in the league, this thread is to be used to help everyone improve.

-If you wish to have feedback on a promo you created, link it in this thread only once, spamming is not allowed.
-If you wish to give feedback on a promo on your own accord, it must be constructive and helpful. If there is any blatant negativity towards the promo or towards the member that wrote it, there will be consequences.
-When giving feedback on a promo, be sure to be as clear as possible.
-If somebody asks you for more help, take it to a PM, so as to keep this thread relatively clean.

 

[Emo]

*A video package plays on the Ignition titan-tron with the words and narrator saying*
Narrator: The following is a special presentation from Lord Fireshock.
*The video shows a huge mansion outside the door showing a FS logo on it. The door is knocked and a butler opens the door to the stranger*

Henry (The Butler): Ah yes the you must be here to see Lord Fireshock, right this way Lord Fireshock is a most impatient one when it comes to guests.
*The two walk down a corridor containing many pictures of Fireshock’s achievements. One of him holding the TWF Hardcore Championship, one after pinning Tony Soccerboy and one of him betraying KOW in 2014. *
Henry: Ah all the amazing accomplishments of the Lord himself, an amazing man he is.
*The two finally reach the private room of Fireshock, the butler opens the door for the stranger letting him in the room*
Henry: The Lord is waiting for you inside.

*The stranger walks in the room as he spots Fireshock talking to himself as he looks at an old picture*
Fireshock: Ah memories such wonderfully things. *He turns to notice the person*
Fireshock: Hello there, you must the Ignition camera PEASANT @Jet Star has sent. Wow look at you this is the best Jet could send, I hope you did not touch any of the pictures on the way in here. Those admiring pictures are worth thousands. Hmm ok then, fine you will have to do.
*Fireshock takes a moment to adjust his suit, while the camera man starts to hit record*

Fireshock: Cough... Greetings PEASANTS my name is Fireshock Lord Fireshock. I am addressing you from my royal house in a very secret location; I have some had horrible news regarding my match on the first broadcast of Ignition. I have been placed in a match with some low rent PEASANT by the name of Luis .. umm hold on the nope that’s not it Luis Avocado ? Nope that’s the one. Hold on a second *Fireshock grabs a bell and rings it. Henry enters the room*
Henry: Yes my Lord.
Fireshock: Ah Henry my loyal Butler, I seem to have a small problem. See I Jet Star old pal of and KOW buddy in the day has placed in a match against someone I can’t remember the name of PEASANT.
Henry: I see my Lord, I know you only remember things that are important to you.
Fireshock: Henry you know me well.

Henry: Ah I got it sir, it’s is a wrestler called Luis Alvarado.
Fireshock: Wait that Luis Alvarado. *Fireshock breaks into huge amounts of laughing with the crowd booing Fireshock from the arena*
Fireshock: Him really, oh wow that is truly a low level PEASANT. Ok Henry you are excused thank you. Oh I also forgot make sure to polish my wrestling boots I want them nice and shiny when I kick in the face.
Henry: Yes sir of course.

Fireshock: Now where was I, Luis Alvarado you are just another disgusting bug to squash under my boot. Quite honestly I am offended Jet you put me against this horrible foul PEASANT, but every cloud has a silver lining. He is simply a small fish in a sea of sharks that will be ripped apart by the smartest man in wrestling today. Because Luis Alvarado all you are a small PEASANT standing in my way to putting the Ignition World Championship on my mantle place.

*Fireshock takes a drink of his wine*
Fireshock: Because simply put, you’ll just burn in my amazing light. Now get out of here you low paid PEASANT, your body odour is causing a terrible smell in my favourite room.
*The camera feed cuts*

Metions: @Hybrid @Jet Starr
OOC: Christina's one should come either today or tomorrow.

I just have a few request for future promos.
1. Please find a synonym for the word "peasant" (you used it 8 times in this promo). Re-using the same word over and over doesn't give the impression that your guy is a sophisticated billionaire like you seem to be going for.
2. Please do a grammar/spell check before posting. There were a lot of punctuation errors (ranging from a lack of commas to using a comma instead of a question mark) and there were a couple wording errors (such as "See I Jet Star old pal of and KOW buddy").

As for this third request, this one goes out to everyone in the league.
3. Please read up on your opponent's character before making a promo about them. In this week's promos, there were a lot of people who talked about their opponent in a way that went completely against that person's character. (Using this promo as an example, you called Luis a "low rent peasant" and "a small fish in a sea of sharks". Luis is an actor, a singer and a model, so calling him a low rent anything makes absolutely no sense. He is also the longest reigning champion we've had going as far back as TWF, something that has indeed been recognized in this league. Adding on to that, most promos mentioning Luis in the past have often had the person showing somewhat fear in facing him, as he is considered the best in the company. So calling him "a small fish in a sea of sharks" most definitely made no sense what-so-ever)

 

[Fireshock]

I just have a few request for future promos.
1. Please find a synonym for the word "peasant" (you used it 8 times in this promo). Re-using the same word over and over doesn't give the impression that your guy is a sophisticated billionaire like you seem to be going for.
2. Please do a grammar/spell check before posting. There were a lot of punctuation errors (ranging from a lack of commas to using a comma instead of a question mark) and there were a couple wording errors (such as "See I Jet Star old pal of and KOW buddy").

As for this third request, this one goes out to everyone in the league.
3. Please read up on your opponent's character before making a promo about them. In this week's promos, there were a lot of people who talked about their opponent in a way that went completely against that person's character. (Using this promo as an example, you called Luis a "low rent peasant" and "a small fish in a sea of sharks". Luis is an actor, a singer and a model, so calling him a low rent anything makes absolutely no sense. He is also the longest reigning champion we've had going as far back as TWF, something that has indeed been recognized in this league. Adding on to that, most promos mentioning Luis in the past have often had the person showing somewhat fear in facing him, as he is considered the best in the company. So calling him "a small fish in a sea of sharks" most definitely made no sense what-so-ever)

Hey there bud at work at the moment just seen ur post. Completely agree on this, after reading the promo again twice I don't think it turned out how I expected at all. I think it could have been much better in the overuse of certain words. When I get home I really want to write a fresh one, as I don't I was in the right frame of mind writing and looking back through I waffled a lot. But your points are valid bud thanks for feedback I will take it on board a lot.

 

[Emo]

*Todd McKay walks to the ring with a strangely happy look on his face. He is in his signature leather jacket and denim jeans. He also has a "Todd McKay" t-shirt on*
Todd McKay: So I just listened to absolute drivel for four whole minutes. That Minho fella just stood out here and played to his strength. His one strength. Being the most unbearable man on the planet. Now he happened to say that I have two lines when I come out here and I say Minho. Man... That's really hurtful. I'm going to have to report you for being a massive twat. Na I'm messing your words don't hurt me. In fact I believe my words hurt you. I mean why else would you hang onto that 'cocky prick' remark. As for saying I'm the best wrestler here. Are you suggesting I lie to these people and tell them I'm not the worlds best, 'Cause if so I expected better from you Minho. Such an honorable man I would have thought you would congratulate me on an impressive victory but I hear you belittling me instead. How rude. As for your girlfriend I don't think she would stand a chance. In fact I believe that I would break her massive nose when I hit my finisher. Oh and as for me being the "Plainest Jane" you shouldn't call me out for the way I look 'cause that could get messy
*Todd walks back to the backstage area as Ignition goes to adverts*

I'm just going to put this simply. There was no ending to this promo. You cut yourself off mid conversation, and also the whole promo just seemed jumpy and rushed. I get that you needed to get a promo up before the results thread went up, but there was a high lacking of effort here tonight.

 

[Emo]

Spoiler: Demon's Post

*An unfamiliar theme begins to echo through the arena and the lights are dark then at the words "CUT IT!" all the lights switch back on, in a blue colour, a hooded person walks out, they walk down the ramp, very slowly, once they get to ringside they circle the ring and when they get to the timekeepers' area they snatch a mic from the announcer and slide into the ring, they then lift the mic to his hooded head*

???: I'm here, your Nightmare is here!

*The crowd boo after this*

Nightmare: You wanted me to explain myself Mr general manager? Well guess what, I don't owe you an explanation!

*The crowd then boo again after this remark*

Nightmare: Fine, you want an explanation, I'll give it to you!

*Nightmare then takes off the hood to reveal a face painted face, a skull type face paint, he's smirks as the camera gets closer to him, he then returns to talking*

Nightmare: I didn't turn up because they aren't worth my time, the only people who are worth my time are those punks fighting for the intercontinental championship!

*The crowd boo*

Nightmare: I don't know what you germs are worried for? Are you worried I'll take the spotlight from your favourite people?

*The crowd boo*

Nightmare: You lot are pathetic! You know what, Jet Starr! If I don't get an intercontinental championship shot, I'm going to destroy this whole roster once and for all because, the re-branding didn't kill you somehow!

*Some crowd members "Ooh" at this and the rest boo*

Nightmare: I am going to win what is rightfully mine! You wanted me to explain did you Jet? Well guess what I'm explaining now, this isn't even an explanation, this is a demand, I want an intercontinental championship shot otherwise I will destroy this roster, even you Jet!

*The theme then starts again as the lights dim and Nightmare begins to get out of the ring and the screen fades to black*

Mentions:
@Jet Starr

This is my promo opportunity promo btw! Very short I know but not much needs to be said!

via @DemonHunter1257

Spoiler: My Version

*An unfamiliar theme plays throughout the darkened arena. Then as the words "Cut It!" echo, blue lights illuminate the arena and a hooded man walks out. He gradually makes his way down the ramp, circling the arena before snatching a mic from the timekeeper's area. Finally they slip into the ring under the bottom rope, raising the mic to their hidden face as they slowly rise to their feet*

Nightmare: You wanted me to explain myself Mr. Starr? Why should I have to explain my actions when my reasoning should be blatantly obvious?

*The crowd boos in irritation*

Nightmare: Maybe I've held you people on too high of a podium. Or maybe...

*He begins to pull back his hood*

Nightmare: Maybe this just keeps you up at night, not allowing you to get the proper sleep in order to gather the intelligence needed in order to understand my methods.

*Nightmare fully pulls back his hood, revealing a skull painted face. As chants of "You look stupid!" sound off*

Nightmare: People have said that Ronald McDonald looks stupid. They've said that the Joker looks stupid. They've said that Krampus looks stupid! As stupid as these people may look from the onset, they've still managed to strike fear in people's hearts. Appearance doesn't cause nightmares. Actions cause nightmares. The paint, it is just there to give you something to picture at night before you awaken in cold-sweats, begging to never experience something so horrifying in reality.

*A slight grin appears on Nightmare's face*

Nightmare: I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news here...but those nightmares will become a reality. Last week I just decided to give you people another week of solace before the pain, before the suffering, before the agony....before the nightmares consume you.

*Boos echo from the crowd, but Nightmare seems unfazed*

Nightmare: It was my Christmas gift to all of you. The thing with this gift, though, is that it has an expiration date...

*The boos continue, even seeming to intensify, as Nightmare just looks deep into the camera, piercing it with his eyes*

Nightmare: Next week.. next week the nightmares are coming. And no amount of relaxation, no amount of dream catchers, and no amount of medication will prevent them.

*"Cut It!" once again echoes through the arena as the lights dim yet again. Nightmare just stands there, staring into the camera with a big grin on his face as the crowd continues to boo, before finally cutting to a commercial break*

This is what I'm talking about when I tell people to put just a bit more time and effort into their promos. Not only does it make your character more interesting, but it also prevents making repetitive mistakes such as "face painted face". Seriously guys, you don't have to post promos the second that the match card goes up or right before the results thread goes up. There is nearly a weeks time between the two. If you aren't good at putting out promos in one session, spend some time each day to edit and revise the promo until it feels like something that actually has the possibility of making on real pro-wrestling programming.

 

[Emo]

*Todd McKay walks out wearing a suit shirt and slacks he has a mic in his right hand. He walks down the ramp to the ring grabbing a chair from ringside before entering into the ring. He sets up the chair and sits down in the middle of the ring before bringing the mic up so he can speak*
Todd McKay: Just gonna guess you all saw Winter Wonderland. Let me say just one thing about it We dismantled three superstars and all that the head of management cared about was my god damn mutton chops. Well Mister Starr. I don't think that the fact my mutton chops are gone is going to halt my merch sales considering I'm part of the only interesting thing in your company right now. The Syndicate.
*Todd stands up and runs a hand across his face where his mutton chops used to be before laughing. He calms down and collects himself as he begins to speak again*
Todd McKay: As for my opponent Chris Young. Well. There is nothing to really say you're just a bland guy with a belt and I'll beat you easily. Cool? Cool. Peace and love all my adoring fans and go away if you don't support myself and The Syndicate
*Todd folds back up the chair and brings it to the backstage area with him after soaking in the boos from the crowd*

Dude, c'mon. You guys just had a big impact on the first PPV, and your first promo afterwards is 4 sentences that were just randomly put together? You need to put more effort into your promos. Explain why you did what you did and then flow that into you talking about your match this week. You've been doing this "Hey, you saw what I did right? Fuck you guys, and fuck my opponent this week. Bye." type of promo for weeks now, and it is just getting ridiculous. If you want to be seen as a plausible main-eventer, then you need to work hard at making promos that interest the reader and flow together well. Otherwise, you might as well just accept a position as a midcarder for the rest of the year.

 

[MintMidget69]

Dude, c'mon. You guys just had a big impact on the first PPV, and your first promo afterwards is 4 sentences that were just randomly put together? You need to put more effort into your promos. Explain why you did what you did and then flow that into you talking about your match this week. You've been doing this "Hey, you saw what I did right? Fuck you guys, and fuck my opponent this week. Bye." type of promo for weeks now, and it is just getting ridiculous. If you want to be seen as a plausible main-eventer, then you need to work hard at making promos that interest the reader and flow together well. Otherwise, you might as well just accept a position as a midcarder for the rest of the year.

I just don't have any passion, I always win and it gets me nowhere.

 

[Emo]

I just don't have any passion, I always win and it gets me nowhere.

It gets you nowhere because you don't put your effort into your promos. You have to be able to do both to make it in the main event.

 

[Closed]

feedbacks plz

Kayfabe - What's Your Next Move, Jet?

 

[Emo]

Both Fireshock and Tyson Storm are standing in the ring ready for their match. Both men seem a little hesitant considering they're in the same group, but these men do not want their contract salary cut in half. Bryce Frisco seems to have a smile on his face since he knows his brother just one upped The Syndicate. The bell rings as the match has officially started. Both Tyson Storm and Fireshock walk towards each other with their game faces, but they don't attack each other. They smile at each other and begin to laugh as the audience begin to boo. Both men in fact hug each other instead of locking up for a match. Bryce Frisco seems less than pleased. Tyson Storm yells for a mic while Fireshock stands tall with him

"You thought I would wrestle my brother in arms? Haven't you all been watching for the past few weeks? We're a unit! We're stronger together! I don't care if Jet Starr takes all of our money away since that doesn't matter anymore. Jet can't buy himself out of this one while sitting in his little pretty office with his dumb little assistant. Jet Starr can't do anything to us because we're stronger than him. We have no remorse and I sure as hell know he won't fire me. Jet can't be seen as a failure, and him terminating our contracts would indeed make him a failure. He would be a failure since he had nothing to play to stop us, but the truth is we always have something better up our sleeve. He may think what he did tonight was smart, but it really wasn't smart at all. In fact it was the dumbest thing he could've done. Jet, you tried to make me go to war with my brother. Jet...now The Syndicate goes to war with your brother."

Tyson Storm drops the mic as both Fireshock and Tyson look over to Bryce Frisco who is still sitting at the announce table. Bryce knows what's about to happen since he slowly removes his headset and stands. Both Tyson and Fireshock arrogantly walk towards Bryce thinking he is completely out of shape due to his absence from the wrestling ring. All three men stare directly at each other, but Bryce is the one to throw the first punch. He connects with a big right hand to Fireshock's jaw, and he takes Tyson Storm down. He continues to throw a fury of punches to Tyson while the audience chant "Let's go Bryce!" which seems to be giving him more momentum.

"WAR! MCKAY! GET OUT HERE!"

Fireshock runs over and tackles Bryce to the ground while both War and Mckay come running down to the announce table area. The boos are once again going around the arena, but Bryce isn't done yet. He throws Fireshock over the announce table and begins to fight off War and Mckay. The momentum Bryce has is just too much for the already hurt War and Mckay who just had a match earlier that night. He kicks War in the face with a big boot. Mckay retreats to the ring, but Bryce quickly follows from behind. Mckay tries to defend himself, but the power of Bryce is just too much. Bryce grabs him by the neck and turns him over. Bryce connects with a perfect FrisCold (the Cross Rhodes. Bryce's finisher)

"Get on the ring. Don't allow him to leave! NOW!"

War and Fireshock begin to slowly climb the ring while Bryce is yelling for them to get in, but he fails to spot Tyson Storm who comes up from behind with a steel chair. Tyson drops Bryce right down to the ring as both Fireshock and War enter the ring. Tyson speaks to War

"Go check on him"

War then goes to check on Mckay who is still recovering. Both Tyson Storm and Fireshock begin to kick the former World champion who is trying to defend himself. Mckay is now up and he runs right towards Bryce and connects with many punches. Tyson begins to laugh as he whispers to Fireshock who also laughs. Tyson Storm points towards Bryce's arm and yells out

"Let's break his arm!"

All members of the Syndicate begin to laugh as they hold the big man down. Tyson Storm wraps the chair around his arm and he grabs the front end of his arm. Bryce is still trying to fight out, but he just can't overpower four men. Tyson begins to pull the front end of the arm backwards while the chair holds down the rest. Bryce is screaming in pain

"Jet! This is what happens!"

At that moment Bryce's arm completely snaps and you can see his arm go backwards in the camera. Bryce is in some serious pain right now, but the Syndicate members just continue to laugh. Tyson grabs the mic as all members of the Syndicate stand in the ring

"Well, what's your next move, Jet?"

Tyson Storm drops the mic as all four men laugh. Bryce is being taken away by a stretcher. The audience boo The Syndicate louder than ever at this point, but they really don't care. The ending scene is once again The Syndicate standing strong in the ring




*Segment end*


​

Overall I enjoyed the promo, though it seems that Mint has a different opinion. Anyways when I look at this promo, I like how it shows Tyson taking his place as the head of the group, but he's also not a cowardice or overpowered heel. You gave Bryce offense against everyone, whether it be throwing punches at Tyson, throwing Fireshock and War around, or hitting McKay with a FrisCold. It's always good to show that a faction isn't indestructable, but just well organized, and I'd say that this promo definitely did that. My only gripe with the promo is that I never understand the need to put *Segment end* when you usually are pretty good at showing it with the actions. No real need for that part, but if that is part of your process, then it doesn't really matter.

 

[MintMidget69]

Overall I enjoyed the promo, though it seems that Mint has a different opinion. Anyways when I look at this promo, I like how it shows Tyson taking his place as the head of the group, but he's also not a cowardice or overpowered heel. You gave Bryce offense against everyone, whether it be throwing punches at Tyson, throwing Fireshock and War around, or hitting McKay with a FrisCold. It's always good to show that a faction isn't indestructable, but just well organized, and I'd say that this promo definitely did that. My only gripe with the promo is that I never understand the need to put *Segment end* when you usually are pretty good at showing it with the actions. No real need for that part, but if that is part of your process, then it doesn't really matter.

I don't like it because it doesn't make any sense to me that one guy can fight off a group no matter the situation even if it does end with him going down.
Also it kinda gets Bryce Frisco over more than the new group.

 

[Emo]

I don't like it because it doesn't make any sense to me that one guy can fight off a group no matter the situation even if it does end with him going down.

Bryce is a big dude who was a fairly dominant figure in his previous tenure in TWF. So him going down easily, even considering the numbers game, wouldn't make much sense unless he was tired out from a match. Just think of it as if the Shield were to attack Braun Strowman. Braun isn't going to go down easily, even if it is from 3 of the top guys in the WWE. You have to give him some offense, but in the end, make the group's numbers and organization be too much for him. Which is exactly what happened in the promo. It made you guys look strong because you showed just how organized and resilient you were without making you guys look overpowered and without making Bryce look like a jobber. It was good work on Frosty's part, and if you don't see it now, you'll see it eventually.

 

[Closed]

Overall I enjoyed the promo, though it seems that Mint has a different opinion. Anyways when I look at this promo, I like how it shows Tyson taking his place as the head of the group, but he's also not a cowardice or overpowered heel. You gave Bryce offense against everyone, whether it be throwing punches at Tyson, throwing Fireshock and War around, or hitting McKay with a FrisCold. It's always good to show that a faction isn't indestructable, but just well organized, and I'd say that this promo definitely did that. My only gripe with the promo is that I never understand the need to put *Segment end* when you usually are pretty good at showing it with the actions. No real need for that part, but if that is part of your process, then it doesn't really matter.

Thanks. I kind of picked up the segment end thing from the PS league a few months ago. Just always put it in there for some reason lol

 

[Fireshock]

While we are on the promo feedback game at the moment, could I get some thoughts on my last promo ?
Kayfabe - A New Chapter

 

[MintMidget69]

Bryce is a big dude who was a fairly dominant figure in his previous tenure in TWF. So him going down easily, even considering the numbers game, wouldn't make much sense unless he was tired out from a match. Just think of it as if the Shield were to attack Braun Strowman. Braun isn't going to go down easily, even if it is from 3 of the top guys in the WWE. You have to give him some offense, but in the end, make the group's numbers and organization be too much for him. Which is exactly what happened in the promo. It made you guys look strong because you showed just how organized and resilient you were without making you guys look overpowered and without making Bryce look like a jobber. It was good work on Frosty's part, and if you don't see it now, you'll see it eventually.

Your situation with Strowman doesn't apply, Strowman isn't a commentator, it doesn't matter if Bryce used to be anything. He shouldn't be prepared to be attacked by four guys as he is only a commentator. Fair enough if he could get one of us at a time but if Todd and War both go for him and he manages to fight us off, it makes us look like pussies and makes us look weak far too early in our groups run. That's the most realistic way to look at it. You could argue a separate point that it's making Bryce look weak if we just beat him up but .1 he's a commentator and .2 it's the newest group in ignition, we shouldn't be made to look so weak as a unit on our second week as a group.