Something I wrote a while ago and had nowhere to post. Basically I watch a crappy 80s/90s cartoon from my childhood and riff on it from the snarky 26-year-old perspective.
I would like to do a column with this type of shit and also reviews, and so on, so if it can be done, and if anyone is interested PM me to set it up.
Let me know - feedback, so forth.
NOTE: It's funnier if you watch the cartoon along with the text.
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Let's Watch: Hulk Hogan's Rock'n'Wrestling
When you're a kid, you're not too discerning in what concerns television. There's the cartoons you *do* watch, and those your parents *won't let you* watch. But as long as it's there, and available, you pretty much will watch it; it isn't until you hit your preteens that you start to switch off programmes by choice.
That is why there are so many bad cartoons floating around. Producers know kids will watch anything, and therefore put minimal effort into their product. This explains why I used to watch - and enjoy! - tacky cartoons such as Captain Planet, Hammerman, or today's subject, Hulk Hogan's Rock'n'Wrestling.
Made as a vanity project for Cyndi Lauper and Hulk Hogan (whose cartoon counterpart, in typical Gary Stu/wish fulfillment fashion, has a full head of hair), HHR'n'W first caught my attention when it began airing in my home country of Portugal, in the early 90's. This was before the days of Dragon Ball Z and Power Rangers, and even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were just taking their first steps. There wasn't that much for a kid to watch, and with its epically cheesy theme song ("Hulk! Hulk!") and celebrity endorsement, this made the cut with the seven-year-old me. Watching it years later...yeah, it's not that good.
One of the fatal flaws that immediately dates this show is the presence of other wrestlers as bad guys. Sure, the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff were notorious heels, but Rowdy Roddy Piper later turned face (something that happens with incredible regularity in the world of professional wrestling), and seeing him as a villain here instantly sends this show to the out-of-date heap. Still, my fondest memories of this show (other than the theme song) are of the bicker-heavy rivalry between the Hulkster and Roddy - in fact, I don't really remember much else, so please bear with me while I refresh my memory.
*ONE YOUTUBE SEARCH LATER*
Aw man, it's all coming back to me! OHMYGOSH, IT'S THE THEME SONG! "HULK! HULK!" And there's that shot of Hulkster walking down the street and being surrounded by kids! For me, that EPITOMIZES the show! That's the image that stuck with me all these years, and to see it again brings back memories. But enough gushing about the intro, time for the cartoon itself.
WATCH IT ALONG WITH ME!
PART 1: Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling - Superfly Express (Part 1/3) - YouTube
PART 2: Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling - Superfly Express (Part 2/3) - YouTube
PART 3: Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling - Superfly Express (Part 3/3) - YouTube
All right, so the episode we're watching is called "Superfly Express". It starts with a train running off its tracks (insert AC/DC reference here), but it isn't crashing, oh no; the animation is just that cheap. Soon, we are introduced to our extended group of heroes, which includes Andre the Giant, Captain Lou Albano (again, people who at one point were heels, but are portrayed here as faces), Hillbilly Jim, Junkyard Dog, Tito Santana and the titular "Superfly", Jimmy Snuka, as well as Wendy Richter. They are all taking a train to California (what, couldn't Vince spare a bus?) and it doesn't take long before we are introduced to our main villains, two kidnappers introduced with all the subtetly of a pickup line in a bad porno.
Still, these bozos take a while to act, as we are subjected to what this show considers "humour": lame sight gags that no one above the age of eight could possibly find funny. Eventually, Jimmy Snuka sneaks out and runs into a girl who - in voice-acting as well as in model - looks straight out of a bad anime from the period. She begins to flirt with him, causing Superfly to embark in the usual goo-goo-gaa-gaa reaction men are assumed to have in these situations. She mentions her name is Lenora, but a more appropriate name would be Awful Vaguely Foreign Accent. She also explains she is going back to her country after two years studying in America (...and for that she takes a train? Uhhhh...moving on, moving on...)
It is here that our two felons literally swoop in, again exhibiting all the finesse of a sledgehammer shot to the privates. And just as they are about to commit their dastardly deed...we cut away to another cabin, where Hulkster and his friends are woken up by a scream. Any half-Blue toddler can join two and two by now, but still our heroes take their sweet time to figure out who screamed - which is fair enough, since they were sleeping and know nothing about Lenora. For the viewer, however, it comes off as gratingly obvious padding. complete with painful dialogue ("I think someone's in trouble" - REALLY, Hulkster? Whatever made you think THAT?)
Meanwhile, Superfly is facing off against the villains, who easily trap him in a net when he bad-animates them with a Superfly Leap. Lenora, in the meantime, nonchalantly and daintily plucks a grape from her fruit bowl, before remembering she's in danger and shrieking again. Hulk and friends come to the rescue, but find only Jimmy Snuka struggling against the Titanium Net of Doom (he can't escape it, even though he is supposed to be a tough-as-nails wrestler). Andre releases him, and one more lame gag later, Jimmy explains the situation and they all take off to help - all except Captain Lou, who pigs out on the fruit (subtle humour? WHAT'S THAT?)
But as it turns out, Lenora wasn't plucking a grape from the bowl - she was hiding a purple ring in there, which Captain Lou nearly swallows. This makes more sense, but it's a good thing they showed us that ring - nobody would have been able to tell what she was doing from the bad animation.
A few more lame gags later (mostly involving Hillbilly Jim's pet skunk and an Afghan hound who changes models three times in a few seconds), the padding finally ends and we discover what the crooks are up to - predictably, they are after the ring Lou just found in the fruit bowl. They are being led by Skeletor's little brother, who looks completely out of place in a non-fantasy cartoon such as this one. It should be noted that Lenora, despite her harmful situation, keeps a plastic smile on her lips throughout. Based on the evidence, i'd say the woman has some kinks that we're not being told about...
Yet more lame gags later, the crooks (sans Lenora) spot our heroes inside the freezer cabin (WHY?!) and decide to take care of them by...turning the heat up so it snows?! My mind boggles. They then fumble their way through an attempt to snag them, as Hulkster lets out an audible F-bomb (masked as a grunt) and they all engage in a badly-animated snowball fight. Hulk then picks one of them up for a bodyslam, but the other takes advantage of the train going up a slope and releases a block of ice on our heroes. Badly-animated Hulk badly-animatedly releases the bad guy he was holding and badly-animatedly rushes to stop the incoming badly-animated icicle. Wendy comes to help and he tells her to "PUSH! HARDER!" (she's the WEAKER of you two, you jerk!), but they seem powerless to stop the ice from crushing them. Only when Snuka and Andre appear do the others escape their pickle.
As all this is going on, Captain Lou is making a run for it, resulting in more padding and lame gags. Eventually, the others hear him and come to the rescue, but not before Lou loses the ring down an opening in the roof of the train. Then, he, Hulk and Wendy all fall off a bridge, resulting in our FIRST CLIFFHANGER! and the end of Part One.
There are two more parts to go, folks. This is going to be painful.
Part Two begins with the Trio of Terror crashing into a boat, with Snuka and Andre assuming them dead (yeah, I'd think so too, if I were them). They go after the crooks, as we find out the boat our heroes crashed into was filled with trash, and manned by a very pissed-off captain (not named Lou) who dresses like the pirate from the Simpsons and stereotypically waves his harpoon at them.
Back in the train, the two groups of would-be rescuers run afoul of the villains, as Hillbilly's skunk snatches the ring with her tail. One badly-animated chase sequence later, the heroes prove to be about as competent as Team Rocket when it comes to catching someone, with Andre and Hillbilly being thrown out of the train by the oldest ruse in the book (ducking) and landing on a bale of hay. Seconds later, they meet Betty Jane, the only person in this show more hillbilly than Jim. She says she can get them back to the train, and they follow.
In the meantime, Hulkster and Co are being led to the Sheriff, accused of being "garbage pirates" (why anyone would steal garbage, I don't know). The Sheriff, however, recognises them, and they explain the situation. The Sheriff offers to help them and they set off in his car. Meanwhile, it is revealed that Betty Jane own an airplane (or, in its first few frames, half an airplane), and all of a sudden Sheriff Whotsits doesn't seem so well-equipped anymore. As soon as the tail of the airplane magically materializes, they're off - but not before some more (say it with me!) LAME GAGS.
Unsurprisingly, the rickety plane can't make it off the ground with all the weight added to it, and it seems like they're going to crash and the Sheriff will have the upper hand again. But get this: Andre gets so scared by the prospect of crashing that he begins to flail his arms, and that helps them take off. I wish I was making this up, folks! But that's not all - the Sheriff's car jumps over a bridge, while Dukes of Hazzard music plays. Errm...we are still in the right show, aren't we?
From this point on, the (extremely dull) chase is on between airplane and car, to see who gets to the train first. It is revealed that the Sheriff's car can also rock-climb, and that the plane didn't need Andre's propulsion to fly after all. Mean Gene Okerlund then appears on a flying unicycle, dressed like the Orville Brothers (don't...just don't) and crashes into Betty Jane's bale of hay as they fly over him. End of Part Two.
Thankfully, there are only four more minutes to go in Part Three. It starts with Tito, Junkyard Dog and Snuka searching the remaining wagons on the train and finding Lenora inside a bag. Too late, however - the crooks have the ring! Another bad chase ensues, with everyone coming together to chase the express (no pun intended). Everyone except Superfly and Lenora, whose wagon has been let loose by Skeletor Jr. Somehow, the car's intercomm can communicate with the plane's intercom (don't, I told you!) and they split up. The plane chases the runaway caboose, while Hulkster and Co try to catch the train. Jimmy and Lenora make their escape circus-style, and just in time too, as the caboose rolls down a cliff. The Sheriff rescues JYD and Tito, and stops the train to catch the crooks.
And here is where the cartoon jumps the shark. In an extremely lame Scooby-Doo reveal, Skeletor Jr turns out to be Lenora's darker haired cousin, Deanna (NEVER MIND THAT HE/SHE/IT HAD A MALE VOICE ALL THIS TIME!) She wanted to use her purported physical similarities to Lenora (I don't see them, but everyone else does) to steal the ring and become princess instead of the princess. For that is what Lenora is - the princess of a conveniently unnamed "small country" (WHO TRAVELS ECONOMY-CLASS ON A TRAIN). She flirts with Superfly some more, Deanna apparently gets away (neither she nor the thugs are there from this point on) and the episode ends in a lame gag. THANK GOD.
This is...HORRIBLE! How could I ever watch this?! Much less like it?! Bad "gags", worse animation, hammy voice acting, a plot that meanders all over the place, and lots of implausible points (even for a cartoon) make sure that this one remains nothing more than an oddity from the late 80s/early 90s. What's more, this episode had no Roddy Piper and no music videos, making it not only bad, but boring - a double whammy of suck!
In conclusion, unless you're a reviewer like me (in which case this makes for great material), leave this one alone and use your nostalgia goggles on something that holds up, like Garfield and Friends. Hulk Hogan's Rock'n'Wrestling deserves to remain nothing more than an oddity from the late 80s and early 90s. Kids are undiscerning indeed.
I would like to do a column with this type of shit and also reviews, and so on, so if it can be done, and if anyone is interested PM me to set it up.
Let me know - feedback, so forth.
NOTE: It's funnier if you watch the cartoon along with the text.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's Watch: Hulk Hogan's Rock'n'Wrestling
When you're a kid, you're not too discerning in what concerns television. There's the cartoons you *do* watch, and those your parents *won't let you* watch. But as long as it's there, and available, you pretty much will watch it; it isn't until you hit your preteens that you start to switch off programmes by choice.
That is why there are so many bad cartoons floating around. Producers know kids will watch anything, and therefore put minimal effort into their product. This explains why I used to watch - and enjoy! - tacky cartoons such as Captain Planet, Hammerman, or today's subject, Hulk Hogan's Rock'n'Wrestling.
Made as a vanity project for Cyndi Lauper and Hulk Hogan (whose cartoon counterpart, in typical Gary Stu/wish fulfillment fashion, has a full head of hair), HHR'n'W first caught my attention when it began airing in my home country of Portugal, in the early 90's. This was before the days of Dragon Ball Z and Power Rangers, and even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were just taking their first steps. There wasn't that much for a kid to watch, and with its epically cheesy theme song ("Hulk! Hulk!") and celebrity endorsement, this made the cut with the seven-year-old me. Watching it years later...yeah, it's not that good.
One of the fatal flaws that immediately dates this show is the presence of other wrestlers as bad guys. Sure, the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff were notorious heels, but Rowdy Roddy Piper later turned face (something that happens with incredible regularity in the world of professional wrestling), and seeing him as a villain here instantly sends this show to the out-of-date heap. Still, my fondest memories of this show (other than the theme song) are of the bicker-heavy rivalry between the Hulkster and Roddy - in fact, I don't really remember much else, so please bear with me while I refresh my memory.
*ONE YOUTUBE SEARCH LATER*
Aw man, it's all coming back to me! OHMYGOSH, IT'S THE THEME SONG! "HULK! HULK!" And there's that shot of Hulkster walking down the street and being surrounded by kids! For me, that EPITOMIZES the show! That's the image that stuck with me all these years, and to see it again brings back memories. But enough gushing about the intro, time for the cartoon itself.
WATCH IT ALONG WITH ME!
PART 1: Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling - Superfly Express (Part 1/3) - YouTube
PART 2: Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling - Superfly Express (Part 2/3) - YouTube
PART 3: Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling - Superfly Express (Part 3/3) - YouTube
All right, so the episode we're watching is called "Superfly Express". It starts with a train running off its tracks (insert AC/DC reference here), but it isn't crashing, oh no; the animation is just that cheap. Soon, we are introduced to our extended group of heroes, which includes Andre the Giant, Captain Lou Albano (again, people who at one point were heels, but are portrayed here as faces), Hillbilly Jim, Junkyard Dog, Tito Santana and the titular "Superfly", Jimmy Snuka, as well as Wendy Richter. They are all taking a train to California (what, couldn't Vince spare a bus?) and it doesn't take long before we are introduced to our main villains, two kidnappers introduced with all the subtetly of a pickup line in a bad porno.
Still, these bozos take a while to act, as we are subjected to what this show considers "humour": lame sight gags that no one above the age of eight could possibly find funny. Eventually, Jimmy Snuka sneaks out and runs into a girl who - in voice-acting as well as in model - looks straight out of a bad anime from the period. She begins to flirt with him, causing Superfly to embark in the usual goo-goo-gaa-gaa reaction men are assumed to have in these situations. She mentions her name is Lenora, but a more appropriate name would be Awful Vaguely Foreign Accent. She also explains she is going back to her country after two years studying in America (...and for that she takes a train? Uhhhh...moving on, moving on...)
It is here that our two felons literally swoop in, again exhibiting all the finesse of a sledgehammer shot to the privates. And just as they are about to commit their dastardly deed...we cut away to another cabin, where Hulkster and his friends are woken up by a scream. Any half-Blue toddler can join two and two by now, but still our heroes take their sweet time to figure out who screamed - which is fair enough, since they were sleeping and know nothing about Lenora. For the viewer, however, it comes off as gratingly obvious padding. complete with painful dialogue ("I think someone's in trouble" - REALLY, Hulkster? Whatever made you think THAT?)
Meanwhile, Superfly is facing off against the villains, who easily trap him in a net when he bad-animates them with a Superfly Leap. Lenora, in the meantime, nonchalantly and daintily plucks a grape from her fruit bowl, before remembering she's in danger and shrieking again. Hulk and friends come to the rescue, but find only Jimmy Snuka struggling against the Titanium Net of Doom (he can't escape it, even though he is supposed to be a tough-as-nails wrestler). Andre releases him, and one more lame gag later, Jimmy explains the situation and they all take off to help - all except Captain Lou, who pigs out on the fruit (subtle humour? WHAT'S THAT?)
But as it turns out, Lenora wasn't plucking a grape from the bowl - she was hiding a purple ring in there, which Captain Lou nearly swallows. This makes more sense, but it's a good thing they showed us that ring - nobody would have been able to tell what she was doing from the bad animation.
A few more lame gags later (mostly involving Hillbilly Jim's pet skunk and an Afghan hound who changes models three times in a few seconds), the padding finally ends and we discover what the crooks are up to - predictably, they are after the ring Lou just found in the fruit bowl. They are being led by Skeletor's little brother, who looks completely out of place in a non-fantasy cartoon such as this one. It should be noted that Lenora, despite her harmful situation, keeps a plastic smile on her lips throughout. Based on the evidence, i'd say the woman has some kinks that we're not being told about...
Yet more lame gags later, the crooks (sans Lenora) spot our heroes inside the freezer cabin (WHY?!) and decide to take care of them by...turning the heat up so it snows?! My mind boggles. They then fumble their way through an attempt to snag them, as Hulkster lets out an audible F-bomb (masked as a grunt) and they all engage in a badly-animated snowball fight. Hulk then picks one of them up for a bodyslam, but the other takes advantage of the train going up a slope and releases a block of ice on our heroes. Badly-animated Hulk badly-animatedly releases the bad guy he was holding and badly-animatedly rushes to stop the incoming badly-animated icicle. Wendy comes to help and he tells her to "PUSH! HARDER!" (she's the WEAKER of you two, you jerk!), but they seem powerless to stop the ice from crushing them. Only when Snuka and Andre appear do the others escape their pickle.
As all this is going on, Captain Lou is making a run for it, resulting in more padding and lame gags. Eventually, the others hear him and come to the rescue, but not before Lou loses the ring down an opening in the roof of the train. Then, he, Hulk and Wendy all fall off a bridge, resulting in our FIRST CLIFFHANGER! and the end of Part One.
There are two more parts to go, folks. This is going to be painful.
Part Two begins with the Trio of Terror crashing into a boat, with Snuka and Andre assuming them dead (yeah, I'd think so too, if I were them). They go after the crooks, as we find out the boat our heroes crashed into was filled with trash, and manned by a very pissed-off captain (not named Lou) who dresses like the pirate from the Simpsons and stereotypically waves his harpoon at them.
Back in the train, the two groups of would-be rescuers run afoul of the villains, as Hillbilly's skunk snatches the ring with her tail. One badly-animated chase sequence later, the heroes prove to be about as competent as Team Rocket when it comes to catching someone, with Andre and Hillbilly being thrown out of the train by the oldest ruse in the book (ducking) and landing on a bale of hay. Seconds later, they meet Betty Jane, the only person in this show more hillbilly than Jim. She says she can get them back to the train, and they follow.
In the meantime, Hulkster and Co are being led to the Sheriff, accused of being "garbage pirates" (why anyone would steal garbage, I don't know). The Sheriff, however, recognises them, and they explain the situation. The Sheriff offers to help them and they set off in his car. Meanwhile, it is revealed that Betty Jane own an airplane (or, in its first few frames, half an airplane), and all of a sudden Sheriff Whotsits doesn't seem so well-equipped anymore. As soon as the tail of the airplane magically materializes, they're off - but not before some more (say it with me!) LAME GAGS.
Unsurprisingly, the rickety plane can't make it off the ground with all the weight added to it, and it seems like they're going to crash and the Sheriff will have the upper hand again. But get this: Andre gets so scared by the prospect of crashing that he begins to flail his arms, and that helps them take off. I wish I was making this up, folks! But that's not all - the Sheriff's car jumps over a bridge, while Dukes of Hazzard music plays. Errm...we are still in the right show, aren't we?
From this point on, the (extremely dull) chase is on between airplane and car, to see who gets to the train first. It is revealed that the Sheriff's car can also rock-climb, and that the plane didn't need Andre's propulsion to fly after all. Mean Gene Okerlund then appears on a flying unicycle, dressed like the Orville Brothers (don't...just don't) and crashes into Betty Jane's bale of hay as they fly over him. End of Part Two.
Thankfully, there are only four more minutes to go in Part Three. It starts with Tito, Junkyard Dog and Snuka searching the remaining wagons on the train and finding Lenora inside a bag. Too late, however - the crooks have the ring! Another bad chase ensues, with everyone coming together to chase the express (no pun intended). Everyone except Superfly and Lenora, whose wagon has been let loose by Skeletor Jr. Somehow, the car's intercomm can communicate with the plane's intercom (don't, I told you!) and they split up. The plane chases the runaway caboose, while Hulkster and Co try to catch the train. Jimmy and Lenora make their escape circus-style, and just in time too, as the caboose rolls down a cliff. The Sheriff rescues JYD and Tito, and stops the train to catch the crooks.
And here is where the cartoon jumps the shark. In an extremely lame Scooby-Doo reveal, Skeletor Jr turns out to be Lenora's darker haired cousin, Deanna (NEVER MIND THAT HE/SHE/IT HAD A MALE VOICE ALL THIS TIME!) She wanted to use her purported physical similarities to Lenora (I don't see them, but everyone else does) to steal the ring and become princess instead of the princess. For that is what Lenora is - the princess of a conveniently unnamed "small country" (WHO TRAVELS ECONOMY-CLASS ON A TRAIN). She flirts with Superfly some more, Deanna apparently gets away (neither she nor the thugs are there from this point on) and the episode ends in a lame gag. THANK GOD.
This is...HORRIBLE! How could I ever watch this?! Much less like it?! Bad "gags", worse animation, hammy voice acting, a plot that meanders all over the place, and lots of implausible points (even for a cartoon) make sure that this one remains nothing more than an oddity from the late 80s/early 90s. What's more, this episode had no Roddy Piper and no music videos, making it not only bad, but boring - a double whammy of suck!
In conclusion, unless you're a reviewer like me (in which case this makes for great material), leave this one alone and use your nostalgia goggles on something that holds up, like Garfield and Friends. Hulk Hogan's Rock'n'Wrestling deserves to remain nothing more than an oddity from the late 80s and early 90s. Kids are undiscerning indeed.