The Undertaker
Most people think Undertaker isn't really dead, thinking Mark Callaway; the man who plays him is a normal person in real life. In reality, he's really the reigning champion of the undead. He was sent to the WWE to punish the company for it's crimes against humanity. He has a brother whom is a monster with dark sexual undertones. The story behind him still walking is that after Wheel Chair Wrestling released him, Callaway was in a freak accident that killed him. At his funeral, he sat right up out of the casket and walked right to WWE headquarters. He had been re-killed several times before by Yoko Ono, Kane, and Randy Snortin'. But he just keeps coming back from the dead.
John Cena
John Cena is a former 3 time WWE Champion, 3 time United States Champion, and 1 time World Tag Team Champion. He had left school at an early age to join the WWE and become a professional black man. He also cannot be beaten by a clean win due to the fact that he is Goldberg's little brother(given up for adoption). He has the ability to turn invisible by simply waving his open palm in front of his face. Cena is also a fan of the interwebs, using such terms as Fuck U, Shut The Fuck Up, and OMGWTFBBQLOL. Cena gets his ass kicked for most of the match, eventually he will reverse a move into a shoulder block and the magical white rapper god casts a spell that allows him to beat his opponents in 5 moves or less, the same will happen to cena in a chess game, the 5 moves of doom are, shoulder block, back suplex/power bomb hybrid, falling head punch, wimpy version of death valley driver and a perfectly good submission he just had to go and ruin called the STFU. He used to be known in OVW as The Prototype, a robot cyborg from the future, but instead decided to become a black gansta rapper because that seemed to be more believable.
Triple H
He recently grew his leg back (It was blown off by a cow fart). He spent his time off Banging up Stephanie McMahon and also impregnating Vince's son and hiding his flaming homosexuality thus guaranteeing his future position of Emperor of the World. He has actually been quoted as saying when he heard Chyna speaking Spanish, "JR, there many 'bi' things I am, but lingual isn't one of them....did I just say that?" He continues holding back younger and more talented workers. He is currently in a feud with Umanga! He is also the 298th Pokemon. William Regal often claims that his real name is "Triple Haitch," but trial is pending on his official name. Most of his title wins involved some form of cheating with a sledgehammer when the ref wasn't looking. He likes to drink bottled water and spit it out at the crowd. He pops steroid pills like they are M&M's and even his eyelids have muscles on them.
Shawn Michaels
Something similar happened to him, but Shawn Michaels was implanted with a ball of energy at a young age that won't allow him to die. Shawn's finisher is the Give me my walking stick sunny, more commonly known as the sweet chin music though his opponents get both when his 80 year old leg goes that high. He will, however, still age visibly. This means that in about 300 years time, he will look like Hulk Hogan and still dance like a fairy. He almost lost his eye to Chris Jerico, who kept taking cheap eye shots to HBK's left eye at the Bash at the Beach match. HBK now wears an eyepatch over his left eye and talks like a Pirate.
Randy Orton
Professional twat, Randy Orton, has many abilities. His dad is a former wrestler, and so is his uncle. That is the only reason he got in the WWE and that is the only reason he is a big cocky noob. The Rock claims that when they where children, Randy would hang out with his father and play with his sister's "My Little Pony" and scream "It's my little pony, mine!" and cry a lot. Formerly of the US Marines, he was once court marshaled for failing to kill a family of cows for meat. He said, "they are just to innocent and pretty... like me" and was sent to jail for 1000 years. He was released from prison in the year 1975 and was signed up to the WWE immediately. His first year in the business was successful, he was known as Cyber-Tron Orton and held the United States championship for a record 12 seconds. He then lost it to Big Show the Third who got mad and destroyed Orton's mental processor. Orton was out with this injury for 5000 years and then made a comeback. He got in the ring and destroyed John Cena Jr. with 5 RKO's to win the WWE Title.
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Lashley originally found fame starring in the hit kids TV show as Little Bill. After the show finished, Bobby joined the Army and there he was introduced to the world of professional wrestling. He immediately ate his platoon and ran off to join the WWE. Since joining, Bobby has achieved things such as winning the ECW belt of power, maintaining a vow of silence and looking stupid. Also he has nearly no neck. Coined the phrase "Respect my Lash-thority". Bobby Lashley was given the name Bobbina Lashley (due to Lashley being a girl at birth). Bobbinas cupsize is 24B, and she loves Sisqo. Bobbina is currently pregnant and will be taking time off. Father of the child is ... Vince McMahon ... like you never already knew!?!
Unconditional proof that Bobby Lashley was on steroids as you can see.
Mark Henry
Believed to be half Transformer and half Predator in disguise, this man has done nothing of importance in his whole career ... Which is why WWE regard him as a great wrestler. He gets to feature in squash matches every Friday night on SmackDown!
Chris Benoit
Vince: "Hey, Shane. How tall is Chris Benoit?"
Shane: "I don't know. What are you talking about?"
Vince: "Not tall enough to touch the floor! Anyway we got some shit to do here."
FLASH
Vince: "Chris Benoit never existed, steroids never existed, my balls are as big as grapefruit's and I did not fondle that girl at the tanning salon."
Shane: "Oh, and aliens don't exist either."
Vince: "Let's go Shane. Our work is done."
Rambo
Threatened Vince Mcmahon to give him a job or he would blow him up with a grenade. Vince denied him and so Rambo took his anger out on Jim Cornette instead. Jim has not been seen since... Unless you count his appearance as fake manager of worthless TNA (Totally Nackered Athletes)
Umanga
Umanga (Often announced incorrectly as Umaga (which stands for tiny monkey penis), his real name is in fact Umanga, as was brought to our attention by William Regal. His opinion on the matter can be taken as gospel due to the fact that he is English, and therefore can speak correctly as he has never pronounced aluminum as al-ooooooo-minum) is fat and Samoan (and believed to be part pit bull. Rather than simply employ Samoa Joe vince decided it was cheaper to promote some flop with a similar gimmick as this had worked quite well when he created Stephen F. Austin as a rip-off of William Schmoykel Goldberg. Umaga His TV career started on the short-lived channel Playgirl XXL, as a part of the show UMANGHABONANZAFEST.
CM Punk
(AKA Cum On My Punk)Your one true wrestling God, although he once said there is no God and the cage was not 30 feet high. He possesses magical knees which can knock out an opponent just by hitting them in the face at high velocity. Would have beat █████ ██████ last year if █████ ██████ hadn't been a total family-killing dick.
Does not use steroids, tobacco, drugs or alcohol, although his addiction to McDonalds and competition has landed him in Competition Rehab numerous times.
Knows kung fu, muy thai, jeet kune do and the identity of who shot Tupac and who put the 'bomp' in the 'bomp-shoo-bomp-shoo-bomp.'
He has cool tattoos, one of them is the Pepsi logo and another is GI Joe's enemy Cobra. He also has a tattoo of him beating Cobra Commander off while enjoying an ice cold Pepsi.
Shitsky
He is the same as Umanga except he prefers to eat heads and steroids, while washing them down with the pus from all that backne. He is also falsely known for killing babies. It wasn't his fault. (Do not get his name confused with Snitsky, it is in fact Shitsky.) in fact Shitsjy is often incorrectly called a fladdolle. so dont do that.
King Booker
Some black guy from Houston, Texas that is supposedly a king. He whines a lot. He's been to prison for armed robbery of a Wendy's back in Compton, he was not only an employee of that Wendy's but also WORE HIS UNIFORM DURING THE ROBBERY. He moved to the better company nobody watches because Vince got Umanga to eat their TV remotes, aka TNA. He moved after finding out about his next shithouse gimmick, a black man who thinks he is an astronaut eskimo. He is also the missing link between Homo sapiens and apes and thus shares a common IQ rating with George Bush and sea cucumbers. Vince really fired his ass for not being ruthless enough, and Booker ended up on TNA facing some guy named Robert Roode that shattered his wife's jaw.
Scotty 2 Hotty
Some Gangsta Rapper from Maine. He is arguably the greatest technical dancer the wwe has ever had in its 400 years of existence. Is said to be the great Wrestler with the greatest Wrestling move ever The One-Eyed Worm. (which is referring to his 24 inch penis). S2H is also over with the fans for his countdown timer which was displayed and calling himself the new millennium scotty 5 hotty > scotty 4 hotty > scotty 3 hotty > scotty 2 hotty BLOW IT UP
Mr. Kennedy ... KENNEDY!
The inner sanctum of the WWE are of the opinion that Mr Kennedy is the most important of all the important men who currently wrestle. Shares Batista's nasty habit of damaging his body in new and exciting ways every 6 months or so. This although new and exciting means that Kennedy actually can't wrestle for 6 months out of the year as he needs to heal. The sad result is he then is restricted to cutting promos whilst getting rolled up by Super Crazy.
Kennedy is currently slated to be the first WWE Champion who doesn't wrestle as he is continually injured. When news of this traveled to the locker room guys like Edge's ears twitched upwards with excitement (since he's way too weak to win a title without attacking a healthy wrestler).
Kennedy was recently quoted in the press as saying that he was embarrassed to be the only person in the company with any talent. Of coarse this was true but Vince denied it saying "You want real talent, then maybe I could hire back some of my cruserweights." Unknown to Vince at this time, all his cruserweights had either joined the X-Division or had self destructed from depression after Jobbing to Cena. This was Kennedy's first attempt to get the Hollywood ball rolling so he can piss off and make movies once his profile is sufficiently high.
Recent interviews with the man himself have uncovered a deep secret about Mr. Kennedy Kennedy! Turns out that his long absences from the ring are not from injuries, but actually from embarrassment! (In some extreme cases InBearAssMint!) In the latest WWE "superstar" "wrestler" interview, it was revealed that Kennedy KENNEDY has an "XTREME" speech impediment and OCD. His surname is really just Kennedy. He just can't stop stuttering.
"Kennedy KENNEDY" was one of the founding "fathers" of the WWE. The original name for the WWE was going to WE. Kennedy KENNEDY stood up to praise the name, but ended up completely changing the name. These were his exact words, "I M-mmm-m-r. Kennedy KENNEDY! love the n-nnn-n-nnn-n-name W-WE."
Santiko Massalla
Santiko is Italian although he used to be Russian and is from New Jersey which is nearer Canada than Italyland. Santiko is blessed with an inability to wrestle in any way shape or form, however he is employed so that the WWE can still tour Italy once every 9 years (see William Regal). He recently admitted that despite being paired up with top heavy cretin Maria, he prefers getting pounded in the ring. Teamed with Carlita Colon because they both sound kinda funny they have set the lower undercard alight with their comic mispronunciations. Santiko has borrowed the late Andy Kaufman's wrestling schitck in wrestling with women and talking about how inferior they are. Santiko even kept Andy Kaufman's feud with Jerry "The King" Lawyler going, and once stole The King's Subway sandwich after slapping him and running off with it up the exit ramp. Santiko seems to be doing a lot of Andy Kaufman's foreign man imitations, like Latka from Taxi, in which he butchers the English language and gets words pronounced incorrectly for comic relief.
Chris Jericho
Chris Jericho invented Microsoft in 1972. He forgot how he did it in 2007 so he tried to write the code for Windows again. When all he could write was bits of binary and stuff about him returning to wrestling, he decided he might as well do that. Thus far, he has mainly looked a bit odd due to his short hair and his magician getup and people seem to have forgotten to cheer for him, as they would rather Eddie Guerrero had come back and punched his widow Vickie in the head for being shit and getting engaged to Edge. Chris Jericho has recently been voted "worst Canadian role model" because of the fact that he openly stated that he is the only Canadian on the planet who 'loves' HBK Shawn Michaels since his teenage years. This proves why he doesn't get a crowd reaction since his return to the WWE from all fans watching at home or at wrestling arena's.
Pal Penis
Mr Penis joined the WWE when he realized that he had a muscley body and he got fed up of starring in porn movies (a guy in a porn movie alone). He sucked and has wrestled on Heat ever since.He sucks both ways!
Matt & Jeff Hardy
Matthew Hardy (He's famous on the Internet thanks to Edge & Lita for 'screwing' 1 of his mysteries up) is a slim fast drinking fat dude that teams up with his brother Jefferson Hardy (He's famous for being a stunt man) to beat up and get beaten up by the WWE! They are well known as the The Hardy Boyz and love to solve many mysteries. They are currently trying to solve the mystery as to why the hell did Vince McMahon want the ECW World Title, and Why the hell did he fake an explosion and his death?!
RVD
Rob Van Dam (Or Roberto Vanne Damo for our Italian users) was some athletic guy that wrestled very well and loved to thumb himself very slowly in case the audience couldn't say his name correctly. He won the WWE and ECW titles, then he celebrated his win by scoring some weed, smoking it with his is friend Sabu (whome by the way, is not quite at bad as botching as 9.Morrison), and got pulled over by the police while drving without his shirt on. He continued to get depushed after that and recently he didn't resign with the company.
RVD'S love for Weed
RVD loves weed he smokes it with his good friends the WaterMan(also known as The SandMan in WWE) he also likes to smoke weed with the arabian pothead Sabu (9.Morrison is botchier then him). One day when RVD was smoking weed with his good friend the botch machine Sabu, the pigs a.k.a the police found the arabian pothead and RVD smoking pot. Vince McMahon found out and suplexed RVD and RVD was like !OMG! Since that moment RVD left WWE and now smokes regulary with the arabian pothead in his 2 bedroom cardboard box with a tin can for a bathroom. His WWE career was ended when Randy Orton punted his face in, leading to another push. RVD agrees on making an appearances on Dr Phil for his problems with his former wife Tommy Dreamer, who was also on his way to more botchfests.
MP3
MP3 is a wannabe gangsta who currently holds the WWwee George Dubya Bush Championship, people don't like him because he confuses the Hardy Boyz and their solving.
Batista
Dave Batista, a self-confessed shit wrestler (Read his auto-biography "Batista Unleashed" for more) can lift every cruiserweight wrestler on the Smackdown brand all at once and also injures himself in exciting new ways. He showed this impressive skill during one of his many squash matches. He has gone from strength to strength since winning the World Heavyweight Championship from Triple HHH. He has since lost the title due to injury, then won the title, then lost the title, then won the title, then most recently lost it to Edge. He enjoys boring the fans with countless fueds with The Undertaker and Edge, and has a nack for showing his sexual relationship with Rey Mysterio as often as possible. There is an old folks tale that he was spawned in the Devil's Pit in the year 1149 B.C and that he wrestled Xena and Hercules for the World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 12 B.V. (Before Vince)
REY Mysterio
Rey Mysterio, otherwise known as the man without a face because of his mask, is one of the greatest highflyers in the womens' league. Rumours said that he could fly. Most believe that this rumour is true since in 2006, he was thrown off a building by Chavo Gurrerro during a drug bust after Rey shot that SOB, Eddie Gurrerro 20 times in the leg because that dumb little shit can't aim. Finally, Eddie, that stupid crack, took one to the head. Because the midget, Rey Mysterio is back in wrestling, it is obvious that he can fly. He obviously loves teaching kids because his signature move is three numbers.He also has secert relationships with men such as Batista,Edge,Axel,Michael Jackson.
Good Old James "Fat Daddy" Ross
'Good Ol' JR' Jim Ross is a dick. His job is basically to sit at ringside, eat a lot of BBQ giraffe meat and scream "Stone Cold, Stone Cold" while having a orgasm. Usually, his fellow commentator was able to keep Jim down on his seat whenever Stone Cold Steve Austin came out to the ring, but recently JR has become more violent and no-body wants to upset JR, because he will orgasm all over the announce tables. Internet fans love JR because they have no life!. Jim has become more fatter and uses his Okla-Homo accent to bore people to sleep every week. JR has many fetishes he shares on WWE, like screaming "Slober Knocker" when ever he see's Ric Flair and HBK "Going At It". He also loves to be "Whipped Like A Government Mule" by his "Best Friends" Stone Cold Steve Austin & HBK in bed!
Douche and Dominos
Two old guys who still think it's the 50s. They will occasionally take out their pistols and shoot at Japanese people. They currently live in the Hospital for the Mentally Blue.
Jesse and Festus
Two hillbilly freaks from Arkansas. One is named Jesse and has no talent to speak of, other than promoting the Blue features of his tag-team partner, the other is Festus a giant corn fed colossus sociopath after the bell rings, before the bell rings he is highly Blue and his tongue sticks out of his mouth and he drools too much.
Bret "The Hitchman" Hart
Bret Hart retired from being Hitch at an early age and passed the crown down to Will Smith. He was then trained in a dungeon by a crazy man named Stu who claimed to be his father. Bret decided to join the WWF but eventually left when he was involved in the Montreal Blowjob. Bret now lives in a gym, doing interviews for a living, and saying Shawn Michaels and Triple H (whom actually came up with the idea for the blowjob) can't move on when it concerns the Montreal Blowjob.
Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan is cool. Useless people like you, and John Rambo hate him. However, in a recent turn of events, Hulk Hogan fell into a pool of quicksand, but refused to job to it. This ruined the episode of Hogan Knows Best, and he was incidentally fired from the WWE because Vince had been sent an email from a fan informing him that Hogan was cool. Hogan now spends his time sewing up all the Hulkamania shirts that he destroyed during his time in the WWF. Before being the first 500 year old man to be inducted into the WWE hall of fame, he had a cage match against the Incredible Hulk. Hogan makes great poop. He has recently seen a career revival, partially owing to receiving more oxygen from not being smothered by the large breasts of his ex wife Linda.
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
Jim Duggan was fired years ago, he just wont leave. He comes out yelling hooooooooo becauce that what his wife is. WTF he had a wife!!!!! Jim Duggan also cleans wrestlers bums. Duggan gave his wife his balls for their wedding anniversary because he knew he would never use it again. His wife only likes to suck dick, that is why he has no kids. Or maybe because his wife is a DUDE! Duggan also won the Miss Hairy Universe at 2007 at the age of 264. His winning costume was a beautiful leaf worn over his dick rolled up with no balls. He has said that he wont retire until he gets a boyfiend
Liu Kang
Liu Kang has always been known as the "Champion of Mortal Kombat", but little do people know he had a run in the WWE for many years. It was Kang who freeded the WWE from the tyranny of it's original owner (another previously unknown fact) Shang Tsung. After Kang's victory, Vince McMahon, (the second owner and self proclaimed "God" of professional wrestling, took control of the WWE and fired Kang. After that he went to TNA for a while and then returned to the WWE to become it's last World Heavyweight Champion before the company was bought out by new owner Jeff Jarrett.
STONE COLD Steve Austin
That drunken guy from Texas with the many nicknames that kicked a lot of peoples asses, WHAT?, drove numerous vehicles down to the ring, WHAT?, drank a lot of beer, WHAT?, flipped off a lot of people, WHAT?, drank more beer, WHAT?, said "WHAT?" a lot, WHAT?, kicked some more ass, WHAT?, got his ass kicked every now and then, WHAT?, beat his wife up, WHAT?, drank even more beer, WHAT?, went on rants a lot, WHAT?, oh wait..., WHAT?, and gave out a lot of stunners WHAT?. He is being a moviemaker nowadays ... WHAT?! As JR would say, "Cold Stone Cold Stone Cold Stone. MAH GAWD MAH GAWD". Cold Stone also needs to beat up Vince McMahon or else he gets cranky and walks out on the WWE. He refused to job to Wrestling God "The Coach" one time. It might have been because The Coach is shit or it might have been because the Coach is almost black. He also stars in the film The Condomed. STONE COLD IS THE WRESTLER EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
The Rock
He is the Tail Raising, Razor Blading , Steriod taking, Cake baking, Wife beating ,Anjobie eating,You know the name you know the face want to be in the hall of fame The Rock!
Ric Flair
Recently celebrated his birthday. The cake was sent to NASA to have the candles counted, which they are still counting. Doesn't wrestle much anymore, as he spends most of his time at funerals for his dinosoar friends. But being the family man he is he still finds time to beat up on his wife. Ric Flair is also allowed to land on Helicopter landing pads, due to the fact that he is a chopper. The same reason why Val Venis gets so many part time jobs, oh wait, sorry thats jobber.WHO IS NOW OVER INFO NIT YEARS OLD. Made it to the hall of fame and then got sweet chin music from Shawn Michaels and lost his last match and he had to retire and cried a lot before he retired.
Ultimate Warrior
Too stupid to wrestle after a few million chair shots to his head. Had massive brain damage that made him more right-wing than George W. Bush. Claims Bush, etc are too left-wing for him. Whines a lot on his blog about liberals.
Eric Bitchoff
He was the Emperor of Egypt from 2002 to 3050. He ruled WWE with an iron fist. It was revealed during this time that he is the illegitimate twin brother of the former host of That's Incredible and many game shows John Davidson.
The Ragu Brothers
These two brothers were well known for being hated by the fans due to their names being the same as a crappy spaghetti sauce. Jocko and Rayborn failed to have any success. Jacko would go on his own later playing a Canadian criminal, even spending a night in jail after losing to the Big Boss Man in 1991.
Most people think Undertaker isn't really dead, thinking Mark Callaway; the man who plays him is a normal person in real life. In reality, he's really the reigning champion of the undead. He was sent to the WWE to punish the company for it's crimes against humanity. He has a brother whom is a monster with dark sexual undertones. The story behind him still walking is that after Wheel Chair Wrestling released him, Callaway was in a freak accident that killed him. At his funeral, he sat right up out of the casket and walked right to WWE headquarters. He had been re-killed several times before by Yoko Ono, Kane, and Randy Snortin'. But he just keeps coming back from the dead.
John Cena
John Cena is a former 3 time WWE Champion, 3 time United States Champion, and 1 time World Tag Team Champion. He had left school at an early age to join the WWE and become a professional black man. He also cannot be beaten by a clean win due to the fact that he is Goldberg's little brother(given up for adoption). He has the ability to turn invisible by simply waving his open palm in front of his face. Cena is also a fan of the interwebs, using such terms as Fuck U, Shut The Fuck Up, and OMGWTFBBQLOL. Cena gets his ass kicked for most of the match, eventually he will reverse a move into a shoulder block and the magical white rapper god casts a spell that allows him to beat his opponents in 5 moves or less, the same will happen to cena in a chess game, the 5 moves of doom are, shoulder block, back suplex/power bomb hybrid, falling head punch, wimpy version of death valley driver and a perfectly good submission he just had to go and ruin called the STFU. He used to be known in OVW as The Prototype, a robot cyborg from the future, but instead decided to become a black gansta rapper because that seemed to be more believable.
Triple H
He recently grew his leg back (It was blown off by a cow fart). He spent his time off Banging up Stephanie McMahon and also impregnating Vince's son and hiding his flaming homosexuality thus guaranteeing his future position of Emperor of the World. He has actually been quoted as saying when he heard Chyna speaking Spanish, "JR, there many 'bi' things I am, but lingual isn't one of them....did I just say that?" He continues holding back younger and more talented workers. He is currently in a feud with Umanga! He is also the 298th Pokemon. William Regal often claims that his real name is "Triple Haitch," but trial is pending on his official name. Most of his title wins involved some form of cheating with a sledgehammer when the ref wasn't looking. He likes to drink bottled water and spit it out at the crowd. He pops steroid pills like they are M&M's and even his eyelids have muscles on them.
Shawn Michaels
Something similar happened to him, but Shawn Michaels was implanted with a ball of energy at a young age that won't allow him to die. Shawn's finisher is the Give me my walking stick sunny, more commonly known as the sweet chin music though his opponents get both when his 80 year old leg goes that high. He will, however, still age visibly. This means that in about 300 years time, he will look like Hulk Hogan and still dance like a fairy. He almost lost his eye to Chris Jerico, who kept taking cheap eye shots to HBK's left eye at the Bash at the Beach match. HBK now wears an eyepatch over his left eye and talks like a Pirate.
Randy Orton
Professional twat, Randy Orton, has many abilities. His dad is a former wrestler, and so is his uncle. That is the only reason he got in the WWE and that is the only reason he is a big cocky noob. The Rock claims that when they where children, Randy would hang out with his father and play with his sister's "My Little Pony" and scream "It's my little pony, mine!" and cry a lot. Formerly of the US Marines, he was once court marshaled for failing to kill a family of cows for meat. He said, "they are just to innocent and pretty... like me" and was sent to jail for 1000 years. He was released from prison in the year 1975 and was signed up to the WWE immediately. His first year in the business was successful, he was known as Cyber-Tron Orton and held the United States championship for a record 12 seconds. He then lost it to Big Show the Third who got mad and destroyed Orton's mental processor. Orton was out with this injury for 5000 years and then made a comeback. He got in the ring and destroyed John Cena Jr. with 5 RKO's to win the WWE Title.
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Lashley originally found fame starring in the hit kids TV show as Little Bill. After the show finished, Bobby joined the Army and there he was introduced to the world of professional wrestling. He immediately ate his platoon and ran off to join the WWE. Since joining, Bobby has achieved things such as winning the ECW belt of power, maintaining a vow of silence and looking stupid. Also he has nearly no neck. Coined the phrase "Respect my Lash-thority". Bobby Lashley was given the name Bobbina Lashley (due to Lashley being a girl at birth). Bobbinas cupsize is 24B, and she loves Sisqo. Bobbina is currently pregnant and will be taking time off. Father of the child is ... Vince McMahon ... like you never already knew!?!
Unconditional proof that Bobby Lashley was on steroids as you can see.
Mark Henry
Believed to be half Transformer and half Predator in disguise, this man has done nothing of importance in his whole career ... Which is why WWE regard him as a great wrestler. He gets to feature in squash matches every Friday night on SmackDown!
Chris Benoit
Vince: "Hey, Shane. How tall is Chris Benoit?"
Shane: "I don't know. What are you talking about?"
Vince: "Not tall enough to touch the floor! Anyway we got some shit to do here."
FLASH
Vince: "Chris Benoit never existed, steroids never existed, my balls are as big as grapefruit's and I did not fondle that girl at the tanning salon."
Shane: "Oh, and aliens don't exist either."
Vince: "Let's go Shane. Our work is done."
Rambo
Threatened Vince Mcmahon to give him a job or he would blow him up with a grenade. Vince denied him and so Rambo took his anger out on Jim Cornette instead. Jim has not been seen since... Unless you count his appearance as fake manager of worthless TNA (Totally Nackered Athletes)
Umanga
Umanga (Often announced incorrectly as Umaga (which stands for tiny monkey penis), his real name is in fact Umanga, as was brought to our attention by William Regal. His opinion on the matter can be taken as gospel due to the fact that he is English, and therefore can speak correctly as he has never pronounced aluminum as al-ooooooo-minum) is fat and Samoan (and believed to be part pit bull. Rather than simply employ Samoa Joe vince decided it was cheaper to promote some flop with a similar gimmick as this had worked quite well when he created Stephen F. Austin as a rip-off of William Schmoykel Goldberg. Umaga His TV career started on the short-lived channel Playgirl XXL, as a part of the show UMANGHABONANZAFEST.
CM Punk
(AKA Cum On My Punk)Your one true wrestling God, although he once said there is no God and the cage was not 30 feet high. He possesses magical knees which can knock out an opponent just by hitting them in the face at high velocity. Would have beat █████ ██████ last year if █████ ██████ hadn't been a total family-killing dick.
Does not use steroids, tobacco, drugs or alcohol, although his addiction to McDonalds and competition has landed him in Competition Rehab numerous times.
Knows kung fu, muy thai, jeet kune do and the identity of who shot Tupac and who put the 'bomp' in the 'bomp-shoo-bomp-shoo-bomp.'
He has cool tattoos, one of them is the Pepsi logo and another is GI Joe's enemy Cobra. He also has a tattoo of him beating Cobra Commander off while enjoying an ice cold Pepsi.
Shitsky
He is the same as Umanga except he prefers to eat heads and steroids, while washing them down with the pus from all that backne. He is also falsely known for killing babies. It wasn't his fault. (Do not get his name confused with Snitsky, it is in fact Shitsky.) in fact Shitsjy is often incorrectly called a fladdolle. so dont do that.
King Booker
Some black guy from Houston, Texas that is supposedly a king. He whines a lot. He's been to prison for armed robbery of a Wendy's back in Compton, he was not only an employee of that Wendy's but also WORE HIS UNIFORM DURING THE ROBBERY. He moved to the better company nobody watches because Vince got Umanga to eat their TV remotes, aka TNA. He moved after finding out about his next shithouse gimmick, a black man who thinks he is an astronaut eskimo. He is also the missing link between Homo sapiens and apes and thus shares a common IQ rating with George Bush and sea cucumbers. Vince really fired his ass for not being ruthless enough, and Booker ended up on TNA facing some guy named Robert Roode that shattered his wife's jaw.
Scotty 2 Hotty
Some Gangsta Rapper from Maine. He is arguably the greatest technical dancer the wwe has ever had in its 400 years of existence. Is said to be the great Wrestler with the greatest Wrestling move ever The One-Eyed Worm. (which is referring to his 24 inch penis). S2H is also over with the fans for his countdown timer which was displayed and calling himself the new millennium scotty 5 hotty > scotty 4 hotty > scotty 3 hotty > scotty 2 hotty BLOW IT UP
Mr. Kennedy ... KENNEDY!
The inner sanctum of the WWE are of the opinion that Mr Kennedy is the most important of all the important men who currently wrestle. Shares Batista's nasty habit of damaging his body in new and exciting ways every 6 months or so. This although new and exciting means that Kennedy actually can't wrestle for 6 months out of the year as he needs to heal. The sad result is he then is restricted to cutting promos whilst getting rolled up by Super Crazy.
Kennedy is currently slated to be the first WWE Champion who doesn't wrestle as he is continually injured. When news of this traveled to the locker room guys like Edge's ears twitched upwards with excitement (since he's way too weak to win a title without attacking a healthy wrestler).
Kennedy was recently quoted in the press as saying that he was embarrassed to be the only person in the company with any talent. Of coarse this was true but Vince denied it saying "You want real talent, then maybe I could hire back some of my cruserweights." Unknown to Vince at this time, all his cruserweights had either joined the X-Division or had self destructed from depression after Jobbing to Cena. This was Kennedy's first attempt to get the Hollywood ball rolling so he can piss off and make movies once his profile is sufficiently high.
Recent interviews with the man himself have uncovered a deep secret about Mr. Kennedy Kennedy! Turns out that his long absences from the ring are not from injuries, but actually from embarrassment! (In some extreme cases InBearAssMint!) In the latest WWE "superstar" "wrestler" interview, it was revealed that Kennedy KENNEDY has an "XTREME" speech impediment and OCD. His surname is really just Kennedy. He just can't stop stuttering.
"Kennedy KENNEDY" was one of the founding "fathers" of the WWE. The original name for the WWE was going to WE. Kennedy KENNEDY stood up to praise the name, but ended up completely changing the name. These were his exact words, "I M-mmm-m-r. Kennedy KENNEDY! love the n-nnn-n-nnn-n-name W-WE."
Santiko Massalla
Santiko is Italian although he used to be Russian and is from New Jersey which is nearer Canada than Italyland. Santiko is blessed with an inability to wrestle in any way shape or form, however he is employed so that the WWE can still tour Italy once every 9 years (see William Regal). He recently admitted that despite being paired up with top heavy cretin Maria, he prefers getting pounded in the ring. Teamed with Carlita Colon because they both sound kinda funny they have set the lower undercard alight with their comic mispronunciations. Santiko has borrowed the late Andy Kaufman's wrestling schitck in wrestling with women and talking about how inferior they are. Santiko even kept Andy Kaufman's feud with Jerry "The King" Lawyler going, and once stole The King's Subway sandwich after slapping him and running off with it up the exit ramp. Santiko seems to be doing a lot of Andy Kaufman's foreign man imitations, like Latka from Taxi, in which he butchers the English language and gets words pronounced incorrectly for comic relief.
Chris Jericho
Chris Jericho invented Microsoft in 1972. He forgot how he did it in 2007 so he tried to write the code for Windows again. When all he could write was bits of binary and stuff about him returning to wrestling, he decided he might as well do that. Thus far, he has mainly looked a bit odd due to his short hair and his magician getup and people seem to have forgotten to cheer for him, as they would rather Eddie Guerrero had come back and punched his widow Vickie in the head for being shit and getting engaged to Edge. Chris Jericho has recently been voted "worst Canadian role model" because of the fact that he openly stated that he is the only Canadian on the planet who 'loves' HBK Shawn Michaels since his teenage years. This proves why he doesn't get a crowd reaction since his return to the WWE from all fans watching at home or at wrestling arena's.
Pal Penis
Mr Penis joined the WWE when he realized that he had a muscley body and he got fed up of starring in porn movies (a guy in a porn movie alone). He sucked and has wrestled on Heat ever since.He sucks both ways!
Matt & Jeff Hardy
Matthew Hardy (He's famous on the Internet thanks to Edge & Lita for 'screwing' 1 of his mysteries up) is a slim fast drinking fat dude that teams up with his brother Jefferson Hardy (He's famous for being a stunt man) to beat up and get beaten up by the WWE! They are well known as the The Hardy Boyz and love to solve many mysteries. They are currently trying to solve the mystery as to why the hell did Vince McMahon want the ECW World Title, and Why the hell did he fake an explosion and his death?!
RVD
Rob Van Dam (Or Roberto Vanne Damo for our Italian users) was some athletic guy that wrestled very well and loved to thumb himself very slowly in case the audience couldn't say his name correctly. He won the WWE and ECW titles, then he celebrated his win by scoring some weed, smoking it with his is friend Sabu (whome by the way, is not quite at bad as botching as 9.Morrison), and got pulled over by the police while drving without his shirt on. He continued to get depushed after that and recently he didn't resign with the company.
RVD'S love for Weed
RVD loves weed he smokes it with his good friends the WaterMan(also known as The SandMan in WWE) he also likes to smoke weed with the arabian pothead Sabu (9.Morrison is botchier then him). One day when RVD was smoking weed with his good friend the botch machine Sabu, the pigs a.k.a the police found the arabian pothead and RVD smoking pot. Vince McMahon found out and suplexed RVD and RVD was like !OMG! Since that moment RVD left WWE and now smokes regulary with the arabian pothead in his 2 bedroom cardboard box with a tin can for a bathroom. His WWE career was ended when Randy Orton punted his face in, leading to another push. RVD agrees on making an appearances on Dr Phil for his problems with his former wife Tommy Dreamer, who was also on his way to more botchfests.
MP3
MP3 is a wannabe gangsta who currently holds the WWwee George Dubya Bush Championship, people don't like him because he confuses the Hardy Boyz and their solving.
Batista
Dave Batista, a self-confessed shit wrestler (Read his auto-biography "Batista Unleashed" for more) can lift every cruiserweight wrestler on the Smackdown brand all at once and also injures himself in exciting new ways. He showed this impressive skill during one of his many squash matches. He has gone from strength to strength since winning the World Heavyweight Championship from Triple HHH. He has since lost the title due to injury, then won the title, then lost the title, then won the title, then most recently lost it to Edge. He enjoys boring the fans with countless fueds with The Undertaker and Edge, and has a nack for showing his sexual relationship with Rey Mysterio as often as possible. There is an old folks tale that he was spawned in the Devil's Pit in the year 1149 B.C and that he wrestled Xena and Hercules for the World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 12 B.V. (Before Vince)
REY Mysterio
Rey Mysterio, otherwise known as the man without a face because of his mask, is one of the greatest highflyers in the womens' league. Rumours said that he could fly. Most believe that this rumour is true since in 2006, he was thrown off a building by Chavo Gurrerro during a drug bust after Rey shot that SOB, Eddie Gurrerro 20 times in the leg because that dumb little shit can't aim. Finally, Eddie, that stupid crack, took one to the head. Because the midget, Rey Mysterio is back in wrestling, it is obvious that he can fly. He obviously loves teaching kids because his signature move is three numbers.He also has secert relationships with men such as Batista,Edge,Axel,Michael Jackson.
Good Old James "Fat Daddy" Ross
'Good Ol' JR' Jim Ross is a dick. His job is basically to sit at ringside, eat a lot of BBQ giraffe meat and scream "Stone Cold, Stone Cold" while having a orgasm. Usually, his fellow commentator was able to keep Jim down on his seat whenever Stone Cold Steve Austin came out to the ring, but recently JR has become more violent and no-body wants to upset JR, because he will orgasm all over the announce tables. Internet fans love JR because they have no life!. Jim has become more fatter and uses his Okla-Homo accent to bore people to sleep every week. JR has many fetishes he shares on WWE, like screaming "Slober Knocker" when ever he see's Ric Flair and HBK "Going At It". He also loves to be "Whipped Like A Government Mule" by his "Best Friends" Stone Cold Steve Austin & HBK in bed!
Douche and Dominos
Two old guys who still think it's the 50s. They will occasionally take out their pistols and shoot at Japanese people. They currently live in the Hospital for the Mentally Blue.
Jesse and Festus
Two hillbilly freaks from Arkansas. One is named Jesse and has no talent to speak of, other than promoting the Blue features of his tag-team partner, the other is Festus a giant corn fed colossus sociopath after the bell rings, before the bell rings he is highly Blue and his tongue sticks out of his mouth and he drools too much.
Bret "The Hitchman" Hart
Bret Hart retired from being Hitch at an early age and passed the crown down to Will Smith. He was then trained in a dungeon by a crazy man named Stu who claimed to be his father. Bret decided to join the WWF but eventually left when he was involved in the Montreal Blowjob. Bret now lives in a gym, doing interviews for a living, and saying Shawn Michaels and Triple H (whom actually came up with the idea for the blowjob) can't move on when it concerns the Montreal Blowjob.
Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan is cool. Useless people like you, and John Rambo hate him. However, in a recent turn of events, Hulk Hogan fell into a pool of quicksand, but refused to job to it. This ruined the episode of Hogan Knows Best, and he was incidentally fired from the WWE because Vince had been sent an email from a fan informing him that Hogan was cool. Hogan now spends his time sewing up all the Hulkamania shirts that he destroyed during his time in the WWF. Before being the first 500 year old man to be inducted into the WWE hall of fame, he had a cage match against the Incredible Hulk. Hogan makes great poop. He has recently seen a career revival, partially owing to receiving more oxygen from not being smothered by the large breasts of his ex wife Linda.
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
Jim Duggan was fired years ago, he just wont leave. He comes out yelling hooooooooo becauce that what his wife is. WTF he had a wife!!!!! Jim Duggan also cleans wrestlers bums. Duggan gave his wife his balls for their wedding anniversary because he knew he would never use it again. His wife only likes to suck dick, that is why he has no kids. Or maybe because his wife is a DUDE! Duggan also won the Miss Hairy Universe at 2007 at the age of 264. His winning costume was a beautiful leaf worn over his dick rolled up with no balls. He has said that he wont retire until he gets a boyfiend
Liu Kang
Liu Kang has always been known as the "Champion of Mortal Kombat", but little do people know he had a run in the WWE for many years. It was Kang who freeded the WWE from the tyranny of it's original owner (another previously unknown fact) Shang Tsung. After Kang's victory, Vince McMahon, (the second owner and self proclaimed "God" of professional wrestling, took control of the WWE and fired Kang. After that he went to TNA for a while and then returned to the WWE to become it's last World Heavyweight Champion before the company was bought out by new owner Jeff Jarrett.
STONE COLD Steve Austin
That drunken guy from Texas with the many nicknames that kicked a lot of peoples asses, WHAT?, drove numerous vehicles down to the ring, WHAT?, drank a lot of beer, WHAT?, flipped off a lot of people, WHAT?, drank more beer, WHAT?, said "WHAT?" a lot, WHAT?, kicked some more ass, WHAT?, got his ass kicked every now and then, WHAT?, beat his wife up, WHAT?, drank even more beer, WHAT?, went on rants a lot, WHAT?, oh wait..., WHAT?, and gave out a lot of stunners WHAT?. He is being a moviemaker nowadays ... WHAT?! As JR would say, "Cold Stone Cold Stone Cold Stone. MAH GAWD MAH GAWD". Cold Stone also needs to beat up Vince McMahon or else he gets cranky and walks out on the WWE. He refused to job to Wrestling God "The Coach" one time. It might have been because The Coach is shit or it might have been because the Coach is almost black. He also stars in the film The Condomed. STONE COLD IS THE WRESTLER EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
The Rock
He is the Tail Raising, Razor Blading , Steriod taking, Cake baking, Wife beating ,Anjobie eating,You know the name you know the face want to be in the hall of fame The Rock!
Ric Flair
Recently celebrated his birthday. The cake was sent to NASA to have the candles counted, which they are still counting. Doesn't wrestle much anymore, as he spends most of his time at funerals for his dinosoar friends. But being the family man he is he still finds time to beat up on his wife. Ric Flair is also allowed to land on Helicopter landing pads, due to the fact that he is a chopper. The same reason why Val Venis gets so many part time jobs, oh wait, sorry thats jobber.WHO IS NOW OVER INFO NIT YEARS OLD. Made it to the hall of fame and then got sweet chin music from Shawn Michaels and lost his last match and he had to retire and cried a lot before he retired.
Ultimate Warrior
Too stupid to wrestle after a few million chair shots to his head. Had massive brain damage that made him more right-wing than George W. Bush. Claims Bush, etc are too left-wing for him. Whines a lot on his blog about liberals.
Eric Bitchoff
He was the Emperor of Egypt from 2002 to 3050. He ruled WWE with an iron fist. It was revealed during this time that he is the illegitimate twin brother of the former host of That's Incredible and many game shows John Davidson.
The Ragu Brothers
These two brothers were well known for being hated by the fans due to their names being the same as a crappy spaghetti sauce. Jocko and Rayborn failed to have any success. Jacko would go on his own later playing a Canadian criminal, even spending a night in jail after losing to the Big Boss Man in 1991.