Update What the Fox Be Doing

[Jacob Fox]

Hey everyone. I know I have been very quiet lately and for that I apologize. I have been on tnnhis forum for many years and consider it my go to site. It's part of my life and a major part.

As you know, my brother David passed away at the age of 45. I have not completely dealt with it. He didn't want a funeral and he made me promise to not be sad. He must know that is impossible.

When I was five years old, I began doing some weird things. I couldn't walk between two objects that were similar because I believed if I did I would go into a parallel universe. In fact when I was 5, I was outside playing and I walked between two clothes line poles down the street. When I got back and had dinner, I was bugged and after that I had to go back and go through the polls the opposite way.

I actually thought I was schizophrenic. However, that immediately disqualified me because schizophrenics don't believe they are. When I was 28, I was diagnosed as a severe obsessive compulsive. My GAF score was 28. I will put in a spoiler here to explain the score.

Spoiler: Global Assessment of Function

Let me put it this way, my GAF should have had me committed to a psych ward. I had to plead with my psychiatrist to not do that. I was terrified. Here is the explanation of my GAF:

21 – 30 Behavior is considerably influenced by delusions or hallucinations or serious impairment, in communication or judgment (e.g., sometimes incoherent, acts grossly inappropriately, suicidal preoccupation) or inability to function in almost all areas (e.g., stays in bed all day, no job, home, or friends)

You would not have recognized me. I mean, I was still cute as fuck, but crazy like Howard Hughes.

So why am I telling you all this? Well it's because of my brother. I have, my entire life, lived in existential confusion. And this has been the weirdest thing for me. I know I have experienced death. My first boyfriend, Matthew, killed himself in a bathtub in a hotel and bloodied up the entire bathroom. It was hard. But I only knew Matthew for a year. I've known my brother for 43 years. He was always there.

It's weird, but I was watching Rick and Morty and the first thought was "David loved this but he will never know how it ended. I mean, closing your eyes to sleep and never waking up... I am having a real issue dealing with it. Plus my brother did not have a funeral, he was cremated and put into 8 urns. My mom is probably going to give us the urns on Christmas. But it is weird. Neither me nor my sister have not yet wrapped our head around it.

So I just needed to get that out. You've probably noticed I missed chats and things but I am going to be here for TLC. I know this forum has been quiet lately. I really do not want it to die and I'm going to work hard to see if we can save it. It's like home to me. This is the best forum I've ever been on.

Yeah, I am having a hard time still. An existential crisis. I am a mix between Christianity and Hinduism. But I'm also a skeptic and scientist. Science so far has only showed us oblivion. And it's weird thinking my brother doesn't exist anymore. I wonder if he is somewhere out there.

Almost every night, I feel someone stepping on my bed. I pull my head out and I was alone. I like to think he stepped on it. I dunno.

But this is sort of a mangled rant, which I apologize for. But you're my friends and I do feel like I've neglected this place and I don't want to do that. I will see you at TLC and Raw and Smackdown. Much love to a great group of people. Even the people I sometimes feud with, you're part of the world and I like you all around.

 

[Solid Snake]

Almost every night, I feel someone stepping on my bed. I pull my head out and I was alone. I like to think he stepped on it. I dunno.

I know it isn't comparable but after my first cat passed away, I would feel him kneading the bed almost every night, a few times I almost believed he never died.
I think it is the brain and memory's way of coping as the most vulnerable time for us (on a survival level) is right before we fall asleep.

And I know it is corny and people say it all the time, but he will be alive with you in your memories and your heart.
Pass on the stories and fun times you shared with others so he can continue to live through you.

 

[Zany Clowny]

It takes awhile for your brain to adjust to death. When my mom died, she would still appear in my dreams, which sounds dramatic, but my memories hadn't updated yet if that makes sense. I get those existential feelings too, when I look at old photos where I'm the only one still alive in them. I wish I had a spiritual explanation for death, or a way of justfying not dreading the unknown. The only thing I can say about death is that I want to face it like a man.

I think you'll be alright man, I've always looked at you as a rational, intelligent guy, I can tell your life has been a bit chaotic but you've gotten through it.

 

[Death Walker]

Hey everyone. I know I have been very quiet lately and for that I apologize. I have been on tnnhis forum for many years and consider it my go to site. It's part of my life and a major part.

As you know, my brother David passed away at the age of 45. I have not completely dealt with it. He didn't want a funeral and he made me promise to not be sad. He must know that is impossible.

When I was five years old, I began doing some weird things. I couldn't walk between two objects that were similar because I believed if I did I would go into a parallel universe. In fact when I was 5, I was outside playing and I walked between two clothes line poles down the street. When I got back and had dinner, I was bugged and after that I had to go back and go through the polls the opposite way.

I actually thought I was schizophrenic. However, that immediately disqualified me because schizophrenics don't believe they are. When I was 28, I was diagnosed as a severe obsessive compulsive. My GAF score was 28. I will put in a spoiler here to explain the score.

Spoiler: Global Assessment of Function

Let me put it this way, my GAF should have had me committed to a psych ward. I had to plead with my psychiatrist to not do that. I was terrified. Here is the explanation of my GAF:

21 – 30 Behavior is considerably influenced by delusions or hallucinations or serious impairment, in communication or judgment (e.g., sometimes incoherent, acts grossly inappropriately, suicidal preoccupation) or inability to function in almost all areas (e.g., stays in bed all day, no job, home, or friends)

You would not have recognized me. I mean, I was still cute as fuck, but crazy like Howard Hughes.

So why am I telling you all this? Well it's because of my brother. I have, my entire life, lived in existential confusion. And this has been the weirdest thing for me. I know I have experienced death. My first boyfriend, Matthew, killed himself in a bathtub in a hotel and bloodied up the entire bathroom. It was hard. But I only knew Matthew for a year. I've known my brother for 43 years. He was always there.

It's weird, but I was watching Rick and Morty and the first thought was "David loved this but he will never know how it ended. I mean, closing your eyes to sleep and never waking up... I am having a real issue dealing with it. Plus my brother did not have a funeral, he was cremated and put into 8 urns. My mom is probably going to give us the urns on Christmas. But it is weird. Neither me nor my sister have not yet wrapped our head around it.

So I just needed to get that out. You've probably noticed I missed chats and things but I am going to be here for TLC. I know this forum has been quiet lately. I really do not want it to die and I'm going to work hard to see if we can save it. It's like home to me. This is the best forum I've ever been on.

Yeah, I am having a hard time still. An existential crisis. I am a mix between Christianity and Hinduism. But I'm also a skeptic and scientist. Science so far has only showed us oblivion. And it's weird thinking my brother doesn't exist anymore. I wonder if he is somewhere out there.

Almost every night, I feel someone stepping on my bed. I pull my head out and I was alone. I like to think he stepped on it. I dunno.

But this is sort of a mangled rant, which I apologize for. But you're my friends and I do feel like I've neglected this place and I don't want to do that. I will see you at TLC and Raw and Smackdown. Much love to a great group of people. Even the people I sometimes feud with, you're part of the world and I like you all around.

Best thing you can do is take the much needed time to deal with his death, make sure to not get stuck too long with it that it take you to a dark place or where you feel like completely giving up. However, always remember you have quite a few of us here who you can talk to when you need time to express more.

Please don't worry too much on anything else until you have the strength necessary to deal with such matters. Basically what I'm saying is that you can't help nobody if you don't help yourself.

I, myself would much rather have you here in better spirits for doing all that you are known to do in contribution for this forum. And thank you for those things you have done along with helping individuals with their own issues.

No rush, Jacob. I hope to be on the forum Sunday and catch you in the chatroom.

 

[Jacob Fox]

I know it isn't comparable but after my first cat passed away, I would feel him kneading the bed almost every night, a few times I almost believed he never died.
I think it is the brain and memory's way of coping as the most vulnerable time for us (on a survival level) is right before we fall asleep.

And I know it is corny and people say it all the time, but he will be alive with you in your memories and your heart.
Pass on the stories and fun times you shared with others so he can continue to live through you.

It's not corny and it IS comparable. My uncle Dale, who was more like a brother because we were close in age, died a year ago. I loved Dale but it didn't affect me much.

I used take advantage of having a big bro who was huge. Whenever anyone picked on me, I would pretend to cry and tell David they hit me. He would chase their asses down and beat the crap out of him. I told him later I was lying but he didn't care. Those are my favorite memories. Thank you so much for the kind message. Much love.

It takes awhile for your brain to adjust to death. When my mom died, she would still appear in my dreams, which sounds dramatic, but my memories hadn't updated yet if that makes sense. I get those existential feelings too, when I look at old photos where I'm the only one still alive in them. I wish I had a spiritual explanation for death, or a way of justfying not dreading the unknown. The only thing I can say about death is that I want to face it like a man.

I think you'll be alright man, I've always looked at you as a rational, intelligent guy, I can tell your life has been a bit chaotic but you've gotten through it.

I am sorry about your mom. That actually scares me so much because I am a TOTAL mama's boy. But yeah, you're right. I appreciate your kind words. I knew I'd like you because if you remember, the very first time we talked we argued for like half an hour. Whenever I argue with someone the first time we talk, I always know we'd become friends.

You know, I have been both a pagan and an atheist in the past. When I was an atheist, I had NO problem with not having an afterlife. But now that I have a big spiritual side I do get freaked out.

Thank you so much for the last comment. It means a lot to me. To compliment you, I have always enjoyed your sense of humor. I don't laugh involuntarily much, but you've made me do it. Much thanks.

Best thing you can do is take the much needed time to deal with his death, make sure to not get stuck too long with it that it take you to a dark place or where you feel like completely giving up. However, always remember you have quite a few of us here who you can talk to when you need time to express more.

Please don't worry too much on anything else until you have the strength necessary to deal with such matters. Basically what I'm saying is that you can't help nobody if you don't help yourself.

I, myself would much rather have you here in better spirits for doing all that you are known to do in contribution for this forum. And thank you for those things you have done along with helping individuals with their own issues.

No rush, Jacob. I hope to be on the forum Sunday and catch you in the chatroom.

I appreciate that, my friend. I think all three of you were people I fought with the first time we talked and then we all became friends.

Hey, you're one of the best in the chat. I've always loved debating things about Roman Reigns. A friendly conflict is always great.

I think I am in a better spirit. And yours and everyone who had a kind thing to post has made me very, very happy. I will read your post over a few times and I really hope to see you in the TLC chat. Sometimes when it is just you and me, we still have fun.

Thank you all. Everything all of you have said helped. Much love to all.

 

[RedDwarfTechy]

I have a brother and I couldn't imagine losing him. I really have no pearls of wisdom but I've seen my dad deal with losing his brother ages ago. He got so busy with arranging the funeral and such, he ended up not having time to grieve. He started getting physical issues because he had all this bottled up grief.

So all I can tell you is that I can't imagine the pain you might have gone through, but you're dealing with it, and that's the only way you can move forward.

I don't know how much you believe in Hinduism but maybe your brother is still around you, in a different form, still making sure that your bullies are scared.

 

[Jay-Ashley]

Honestly, I haven't noticed you haven't been around as I am hardly on as for I have quit watching Wrestling and there really is no reason for me to be on here. I did know you were taking the death of your brother hard and such, but that is it. I would offer advice, but I have become desensitized to Death and my advice would be more rational, Nihilistic, Cynical, and in general, would make me an asshole, but keep doing whatever helps you out.

 

[Jacob Fox]

I have a brother and I couldn't imagine losing him. I really have no pearls of wisdom but I've seen my dad deal with losing his brother ages ago. He got so busy with arranging the funeral and such, he ended up not having time to grieve. He started getting physical issues because he had all this bottled up grief.

So all I can tell you is that I can't imagine the pain you might have gone through, but you're dealing with it, and that's the only way you can move forward.

I don't know how much you believe in Hinduism but maybe your brother is still around you, in a different form, still making sure that your bullies are scared.

Well I appreciate the cool words. I can't tell you anything about your feelings about what may happen with you and your brother. We can't know and either of you dying first is not a good thing, because then the other one has to be in pain. It's a messed up world but good comments in good nature is what is important and I thank you for that.