Ladies and gentleman….ha, who am I kidding, the IWF has more sausage than a meat packing plant. Welcome to the latest edition of the No Smark Zone, the only column with its own security team. That’s right, Monkeystyle is watching the door, looking for you Dave Meltzer worshippers, and when he finds you, he’s gonna….be really nice and calm eh, and ask you politely to leave, eh. But if that doesn’t work, we have Soulpower. A man who was trained to fight by Carlito’s former bodyguard Jesus, and was trained to heal by John Cena’s doctor who can make a knife scar disappear overnight! Well a lot has happened since the last time we saw each other. One of the industries biggest stars has been arrested, Raw has sunk even further into the shitter (and I’m not talking about the guest hosts), and SD is still the dominant brand in wrestling today. Yes, it eclipses TNA, ROH, and the mighty WWC :shifty:
I can’t say I’m surprised that Kurt Angle got arrested for, among a lot of things, abusing his current girlfriend, TNA’s Rhaka Kahn. I’m not saying I could tell he was a woman beater, but the guy is obviously wound really tight, as a lot of legitimate athletes are. I think the best perspective on this came from good ol JR when he said Angle is likely putting too much pressure on himself to perform and it might be affecting his mental status. And no, that’s not an excuse, but it is what it is. If there is a ton of pressure on you at work, you’re going to have to let it off somewhere and not even Kurt Angle can tell Dixie Carter to go f*ck herself, so he takes it out on the latest in his string of failed relationships. But once again, all of his relationship problems, I bet, are related to his in ring ones. You can tell Angle, like all of the greats, loves the wrestling business more than almost anyone or anything else.
That being said, it’s really hard to just turn that off when you want to be in a relationship because the job always comes first. Not because it has to, I’m sure Angle is set for life (if not, damn near close), but because HE wants it to. A lot of women find that to be an appealing quality. “Oh look, he’s not an unmotivated slacker like a lot of the other guys I know.” While this is true, Angle is more than driven. Angle, like a lot of pro wrestlers has some kind of NEED to be in the business. I’m going to make an assumption and say that Angle likes it, mostly because it fills a need for competition he can no longer fill with amateur wrestling or MMA. It’s something I think he feels he HAS to do, he HAS to be the best, he HAS to keep competing. So yes ladies, he’s a very driven person, and he has goals. But at the end of the day, if it comes down to you or the business, guys like Angle will choose the business 10 times out of 10.
That’s not a slight at him by any means, or anyone who tries to make a relationship work with that kind of person as much as it is an attempt to explain why a seemingly good person can do such a sh*tty thing. I don’t think Kurt Angle is evil, I don’t think he beats on women for the fun of it, I just think he needs to relax a bit. Yeah, it’s that simple, relax. JR said maybe Kurt needs to take a step back from the business. I don’t know if that will work if Angle still needs to get his itch scratched, it probably can’t be done by acting or playing the stock market. But I do believe that if and when Kurt Angle has had his fill and he decides enough is enough, he will probably be able to slip back into a normal life. There won’t be that pressure on him anymore (self imposed or otherwise) to be the best anymore. Sure, he will probably want to win at Parcheesi or Smackdown vs. Raw (featuring ECW) 2015, with the special LEGEND Kurt Angle, but he won’t feel the need to pump himself full of HGH, push his body and mind past their limitations. Sage words from good ol JR. You know, if he got a shade or two greener, he could pass or Yoda.
I have to say I am about to do something I really hate doing. I saw this in a news article on my favorite news site and I’ve seen it talked about here too, and it has to do with the lack of depth in the Raw main event scene. Now, please don’t misunderstand me, I know, and we all know that Randy Orton, HHH, and John Cena are three of the biggest, if not THE three biggest draws in wrestling right now. Jeff Hardy fits in there too as does Edge but he’s injured. But is there really a need to just ONLY use those three guys in the Raw main event scene? The only justification I can see for it is the WWE don’t want to try an untested feud like Orton/MVP going into their second or third biggest PPV of the year. I can understand it from THAT perspective, but other than that, I have no f*cking clue what the hell they are doing. You have two guys, MVP and Carlito, who are asking, in fact BEGGING (not backstage but talent wise) to be elevated to the next level.
Truth be told, MVP, while not ready to go over Orton, could be served well to work a program with him just to gain the big match experience. Because to this point, I think that MVP’s biggest matches have come on TV while having a one off or 3 off feud with Batista or hell, his match with Randy Orton way back when he was still US Champ. It doesn’t have to be a LONG feud, hell a month would be nice. But let MVP get that experience so when he IS given a legit shot to take the ball and run, he has the tools to go all the way with it. The only GOOD reason I can see NOT doing this now is because they are kind of “saving” MVP to go over Orton later on. That’s more wishful thinking than anything else as I think the WWE writers and Vince are more scared/lazy than anything else.
The same could be said, pretty much, for Carlito. Though I understand the apprehension with him as he has shown a negative attitude before, if only because of attrition, he should get a shot. And I’m not saying “just push him”, that’s Blue. You can’t just push ANYONE. But I think that Carlito has proven he can get himself over in a tag team and in singles competition, so feature him and give him a chance to showcase his talents. The problem with Carlito, though, is he only has to viable main event opponents, HHH and John Cena. HHH looks like he’d KILL Carlito so Cena makes the more obvious choice. Add to that, he and Cena have been kept apart for what, 3 years now? Maybe even more, but they have a great history. But when you feud Cena with Carlito, who challenges Orton? HHH? Well we saw that at our BIGGEST PPV of the year so I doubt it.
Yes the WWE are in quite the quandary. But I want you to know, I have the solution. Since they can’t really feud with anyone else, why not have them feud with each other? Not as a throw away feud for Raw’s only, as a staple of the brand, showcasing two of its brightest young talents. I mean fuck, the WWE are pushing Khali and Kane, AGAIN to a PPV, so why couldn’t these two have been on there instead? Both of them get just as good a reaction as Kane/Khali, and they will put on a much better match (unless Kane uses his meathook). Since the WWE are dead set against using either of these guys in the main event, they can have a good long feud against each other, giving them time to get themselves over even more, and maybe gain a little more big(ish) match experience.
Every professional sport has their own museum. Hell, some sports TEAMS have their own museum. I know the Green Bay Packers have one, and deservingly so. But where is the pro wrestling one? I know museums are mostly tied to a “Hall of Fame” and Vince has the market cornered on that, but I think there needs to be an all encompassing Professional Wrestling Museum, showing off the greatness of the businesses past and present. It may not be the best time to open one, unless you’re in a place not affected by this economy. But what would be the “main exhibits”? Most museums have attractions that bring you in, and then you can look at other things as well, so what would have to be featured in this place of wrestling history?
Ed “Strangler” Lewis
Ed is the actual beginning of what pro wrestling is today. From Nekoosa, WI, Ed Lewis started in wrestling when it was legitimate. He toured the world taking on all comers and became one of the most feared men on the planet, and all because of his dreaded sleeper hold. When an audience in France saw him apply it to an opponent and they thought he was actually strangling the opponent to death. Eventually he won what would come to be seen as THE legitimate world heavyweight championship and defended it against anyone. When he came back stateside, he opened up his own territory, with himself as champion. As he started wrestling in one area, he realized that the people coming to watch got bored with the same guy being champion for too long, so he decided to lose the title to another contender. And if a guy got out of line, he’d just take his title back because Ed was good enough to take the title back whenever he wanted. After him, other promoters followed suit and wrestling has never been the same since.
Special Attraction: For this exhibit, I’d have a dummy that you can apply to the sleeper hold to and it tells you if you’re applying it correctly and a life-size Ed statue that can put YOU in the sleeper.
Gorgeous George
Back in the 1940’s, kind of like now, a lot of people were homophobic. Knowing this, and that people would react negatively, sometimes viscerally to him, George dressed up very effeminately. He feathered his hair, he wore sparkly robes, and he had a “man servant” who would spray a scent around him. More so than moves, George had a trademark saying. Not like “And that’s the bottom line...” or “If you smellllllllllllllllllllllllllll…”. Whenever someone, like a referee or another wrestler would initially try to touch him, he’d recoil in horror, and scream “YOU GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME!!” The fans ate that s*it up back in the day. He’d actually milk it once in a while and have the crowd ready to riot just because he was acting like such a pansy.
Bobby “The Brain” Hennan
He is, and given the state of managers now a days, always will be, the greatest manager of all time. His career speaks for itself, working with some of the greatest wrestlers in the history of the business, from Ric Flair, to Mr. Perfect, to Andre The Giant. If his “clients” had faults, he masked them. If there needed to be a fall guy, he was it. Heenan even took it upon himself to help get other faces over by having them bet him in matches. His most memorable, of course, was his series of matches with The Ultimate Warrior, where he was put into a “weasel” suit when he lost. Bobby played the megalomaniacal genius damn near perfectly, and he said it became a risk at times. Heenan has talked about how, on many occasions, riots had started after his interfering in a match. The story that sticks out to me is when Heenan talked about how he was SHOT (yeah, you read that right) with a BB gun in the leg. Bobby remarked that it hurt really bad but was told “never sell a mark” so he just stood there and didn’t move, but the pain actually caused him to piss his pants. Nick Bockwinkle (his protégé at the time) asked him during the match, “Are you ok?” to which he replied “No Nick, I always piss my pants about 9pm on Friday Nights, YOU MORON!!” I get a kick out of that sh*t whenever I hear it. Later in his career, Bobby Heenan became the constant companion of “Gorilla” Monsoon on then WWF television and pay per view and after that moved onto WCW as a staple on Monday Nitro and all WCW PPVs.
Special Attraction: For this one, you get to take pictures of yourself, as Bobby, surrounded by life sized statues of his former clients like The Brainbusters, Haku, The Barbarian, Mr. Perfect, and others.
Andre The Giant
He was known all over the globe as “The 8th Wonder Of The World”, and for good reason. Andre Rene Rousenoff was 7ft 4in tall and weighed at full capacity, 550 lbs. Andre came up in the wrestling business in the last bastion of “shoots” in the ring. Back in the days when wrestlers would travel to different territories, sometimes they’d bring their world title with them. Sometimes disagreements were had and a shoot would happen in the ring, and a title may be taken away when it wasn’t planned. Well, people TRIED to do that with Andre, and they soon learned not to anymore. It got to the point where, while some people were HONORED to take on Andre when he came into the territory, some people were almost scared to death to face him because of what MIGHT happen. Hulk Hogan recounted what happened before the first time he ever fought Andre. Hogan was driving to the arena, thinking about what a monumental task he had ahead of him. Hulk started to feel a bit off. That turned into a queasiness in his stomach. As Hogan realized that he would be getting into the ring with a man who probably could kill him or maim him for life, he actually pulled over to the side of the road and THREW UP. Now, I will admit I have been really scared in my life, but I have never been SO SCARED that I had to throw up. Even in Japan, where wrestling is full of some of the baddest men in the sport, very few of THEM wanted to tangle with Andre. His career is mostly remembered for his time in the WWE where he had feuds with Jake “The Snake” Roberts, “Big” John Stud, and, of course, Hulk Hogan. Who can forget the most famous body slam in the history of wrestling at Wrestlemania III when Andre challenged his former friend? After he passed away in 1996, Andre had the great distinction to be the first man EVER named to the WWE hall of Fame.
Special Attraction: You get to experience the life of Andre where you sit at a table with all the food he used to eat in one sitting, a bar with all he would drink in one sitting, and even get a chance to step in boots that were his size.
Well that’s it for this edition of the No Smark Zone. Next time, I will have the second part of this museum piece as this turned out to be much more of a project than I thought. I have picked who I want to talk about, but feel free to make suggestions. And as always, feeback is welcome. See ya next time!
I can’t say I’m surprised that Kurt Angle got arrested for, among a lot of things, abusing his current girlfriend, TNA’s Rhaka Kahn. I’m not saying I could tell he was a woman beater, but the guy is obviously wound really tight, as a lot of legitimate athletes are. I think the best perspective on this came from good ol JR when he said Angle is likely putting too much pressure on himself to perform and it might be affecting his mental status. And no, that’s not an excuse, but it is what it is. If there is a ton of pressure on you at work, you’re going to have to let it off somewhere and not even Kurt Angle can tell Dixie Carter to go f*ck herself, so he takes it out on the latest in his string of failed relationships. But once again, all of his relationship problems, I bet, are related to his in ring ones. You can tell Angle, like all of the greats, loves the wrestling business more than almost anyone or anything else.
That being said, it’s really hard to just turn that off when you want to be in a relationship because the job always comes first. Not because it has to, I’m sure Angle is set for life (if not, damn near close), but because HE wants it to. A lot of women find that to be an appealing quality. “Oh look, he’s not an unmotivated slacker like a lot of the other guys I know.” While this is true, Angle is more than driven. Angle, like a lot of pro wrestlers has some kind of NEED to be in the business. I’m going to make an assumption and say that Angle likes it, mostly because it fills a need for competition he can no longer fill with amateur wrestling or MMA. It’s something I think he feels he HAS to do, he HAS to be the best, he HAS to keep competing. So yes ladies, he’s a very driven person, and he has goals. But at the end of the day, if it comes down to you or the business, guys like Angle will choose the business 10 times out of 10.
That’s not a slight at him by any means, or anyone who tries to make a relationship work with that kind of person as much as it is an attempt to explain why a seemingly good person can do such a sh*tty thing. I don’t think Kurt Angle is evil, I don’t think he beats on women for the fun of it, I just think he needs to relax a bit. Yeah, it’s that simple, relax. JR said maybe Kurt needs to take a step back from the business. I don’t know if that will work if Angle still needs to get his itch scratched, it probably can’t be done by acting or playing the stock market. But I do believe that if and when Kurt Angle has had his fill and he decides enough is enough, he will probably be able to slip back into a normal life. There won’t be that pressure on him anymore (self imposed or otherwise) to be the best anymore. Sure, he will probably want to win at Parcheesi or Smackdown vs. Raw (featuring ECW) 2015, with the special LEGEND Kurt Angle, but he won’t feel the need to pump himself full of HGH, push his body and mind past their limitations. Sage words from good ol JR. You know, if he got a shade or two greener, he could pass or Yoda.
I have to say I am about to do something I really hate doing. I saw this in a news article on my favorite news site and I’ve seen it talked about here too, and it has to do with the lack of depth in the Raw main event scene. Now, please don’t misunderstand me, I know, and we all know that Randy Orton, HHH, and John Cena are three of the biggest, if not THE three biggest draws in wrestling right now. Jeff Hardy fits in there too as does Edge but he’s injured. But is there really a need to just ONLY use those three guys in the Raw main event scene? The only justification I can see for it is the WWE don’t want to try an untested feud like Orton/MVP going into their second or third biggest PPV of the year. I can understand it from THAT perspective, but other than that, I have no f*cking clue what the hell they are doing. You have two guys, MVP and Carlito, who are asking, in fact BEGGING (not backstage but talent wise) to be elevated to the next level.
Truth be told, MVP, while not ready to go over Orton, could be served well to work a program with him just to gain the big match experience. Because to this point, I think that MVP’s biggest matches have come on TV while having a one off or 3 off feud with Batista or hell, his match with Randy Orton way back when he was still US Champ. It doesn’t have to be a LONG feud, hell a month would be nice. But let MVP get that experience so when he IS given a legit shot to take the ball and run, he has the tools to go all the way with it. The only GOOD reason I can see NOT doing this now is because they are kind of “saving” MVP to go over Orton later on. That’s more wishful thinking than anything else as I think the WWE writers and Vince are more scared/lazy than anything else.
The same could be said, pretty much, for Carlito. Though I understand the apprehension with him as he has shown a negative attitude before, if only because of attrition, he should get a shot. And I’m not saying “just push him”, that’s Blue. You can’t just push ANYONE. But I think that Carlito has proven he can get himself over in a tag team and in singles competition, so feature him and give him a chance to showcase his talents. The problem with Carlito, though, is he only has to viable main event opponents, HHH and John Cena. HHH looks like he’d KILL Carlito so Cena makes the more obvious choice. Add to that, he and Cena have been kept apart for what, 3 years now? Maybe even more, but they have a great history. But when you feud Cena with Carlito, who challenges Orton? HHH? Well we saw that at our BIGGEST PPV of the year so I doubt it.
Yes the WWE are in quite the quandary. But I want you to know, I have the solution. Since they can’t really feud with anyone else, why not have them feud with each other? Not as a throw away feud for Raw’s only, as a staple of the brand, showcasing two of its brightest young talents. I mean fuck, the WWE are pushing Khali and Kane, AGAIN to a PPV, so why couldn’t these two have been on there instead? Both of them get just as good a reaction as Kane/Khali, and they will put on a much better match (unless Kane uses his meathook). Since the WWE are dead set against using either of these guys in the main event, they can have a good long feud against each other, giving them time to get themselves over even more, and maybe gain a little more big(ish) match experience.
Every professional sport has their own museum. Hell, some sports TEAMS have their own museum. I know the Green Bay Packers have one, and deservingly so. But where is the pro wrestling one? I know museums are mostly tied to a “Hall of Fame” and Vince has the market cornered on that, but I think there needs to be an all encompassing Professional Wrestling Museum, showing off the greatness of the businesses past and present. It may not be the best time to open one, unless you’re in a place not affected by this economy. But what would be the “main exhibits”? Most museums have attractions that bring you in, and then you can look at other things as well, so what would have to be featured in this place of wrestling history?
Ed “Strangler” Lewis
Ed is the actual beginning of what pro wrestling is today. From Nekoosa, WI, Ed Lewis started in wrestling when it was legitimate. He toured the world taking on all comers and became one of the most feared men on the planet, and all because of his dreaded sleeper hold. When an audience in France saw him apply it to an opponent and they thought he was actually strangling the opponent to death. Eventually he won what would come to be seen as THE legitimate world heavyweight championship and defended it against anyone. When he came back stateside, he opened up his own territory, with himself as champion. As he started wrestling in one area, he realized that the people coming to watch got bored with the same guy being champion for too long, so he decided to lose the title to another contender. And if a guy got out of line, he’d just take his title back because Ed was good enough to take the title back whenever he wanted. After him, other promoters followed suit and wrestling has never been the same since.
Special Attraction: For this exhibit, I’d have a dummy that you can apply to the sleeper hold to and it tells you if you’re applying it correctly and a life-size Ed statue that can put YOU in the sleeper.
Gorgeous George
Back in the 1940’s, kind of like now, a lot of people were homophobic. Knowing this, and that people would react negatively, sometimes viscerally to him, George dressed up very effeminately. He feathered his hair, he wore sparkly robes, and he had a “man servant” who would spray a scent around him. More so than moves, George had a trademark saying. Not like “And that’s the bottom line...” or “If you smellllllllllllllllllllllllllll…”. Whenever someone, like a referee or another wrestler would initially try to touch him, he’d recoil in horror, and scream “YOU GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF ME!!” The fans ate that s*it up back in the day. He’d actually milk it once in a while and have the crowd ready to riot just because he was acting like such a pansy.
Bobby “The Brain” Hennan
He is, and given the state of managers now a days, always will be, the greatest manager of all time. His career speaks for itself, working with some of the greatest wrestlers in the history of the business, from Ric Flair, to Mr. Perfect, to Andre The Giant. If his “clients” had faults, he masked them. If there needed to be a fall guy, he was it. Heenan even took it upon himself to help get other faces over by having them bet him in matches. His most memorable, of course, was his series of matches with The Ultimate Warrior, where he was put into a “weasel” suit when he lost. Bobby played the megalomaniacal genius damn near perfectly, and he said it became a risk at times. Heenan has talked about how, on many occasions, riots had started after his interfering in a match. The story that sticks out to me is when Heenan talked about how he was SHOT (yeah, you read that right) with a BB gun in the leg. Bobby remarked that it hurt really bad but was told “never sell a mark” so he just stood there and didn’t move, but the pain actually caused him to piss his pants. Nick Bockwinkle (his protégé at the time) asked him during the match, “Are you ok?” to which he replied “No Nick, I always piss my pants about 9pm on Friday Nights, YOU MORON!!” I get a kick out of that sh*t whenever I hear it. Later in his career, Bobby Heenan became the constant companion of “Gorilla” Monsoon on then WWF television and pay per view and after that moved onto WCW as a staple on Monday Nitro and all WCW PPVs.
Special Attraction: For this one, you get to take pictures of yourself, as Bobby, surrounded by life sized statues of his former clients like The Brainbusters, Haku, The Barbarian, Mr. Perfect, and others.
Andre The Giant
He was known all over the globe as “The 8th Wonder Of The World”, and for good reason. Andre Rene Rousenoff was 7ft 4in tall and weighed at full capacity, 550 lbs. Andre came up in the wrestling business in the last bastion of “shoots” in the ring. Back in the days when wrestlers would travel to different territories, sometimes they’d bring their world title with them. Sometimes disagreements were had and a shoot would happen in the ring, and a title may be taken away when it wasn’t planned. Well, people TRIED to do that with Andre, and they soon learned not to anymore. It got to the point where, while some people were HONORED to take on Andre when he came into the territory, some people were almost scared to death to face him because of what MIGHT happen. Hulk Hogan recounted what happened before the first time he ever fought Andre. Hogan was driving to the arena, thinking about what a monumental task he had ahead of him. Hulk started to feel a bit off. That turned into a queasiness in his stomach. As Hogan realized that he would be getting into the ring with a man who probably could kill him or maim him for life, he actually pulled over to the side of the road and THREW UP. Now, I will admit I have been really scared in my life, but I have never been SO SCARED that I had to throw up. Even in Japan, where wrestling is full of some of the baddest men in the sport, very few of THEM wanted to tangle with Andre. His career is mostly remembered for his time in the WWE where he had feuds with Jake “The Snake” Roberts, “Big” John Stud, and, of course, Hulk Hogan. Who can forget the most famous body slam in the history of wrestling at Wrestlemania III when Andre challenged his former friend? After he passed away in 1996, Andre had the great distinction to be the first man EVER named to the WWE hall of Fame.
Special Attraction: You get to experience the life of Andre where you sit at a table with all the food he used to eat in one sitting, a bar with all he would drink in one sitting, and even get a chance to step in boots that were his size.
Well that’s it for this edition of the No Smark Zone. Next time, I will have the second part of this museum piece as this turned out to be much more of a project than I thought. I have picked who I want to talk about, but feel free to make suggestions. And as always, feeback is welcome. See ya next time!
