Hello everyone and welcome to the ONLY column on the internet that is fair and balanced…..HAHAHAHA. Sorry, I just couldn’t get it out. There is nothing anywhere that is fair and balanced, everyone has biases, including me, so be forewarned, anyone one who claims complete and utter objectivity, is full of it. Just a little tip from the K-Man. Coming up on Monday we have the return of the King Of The Ring. Who thinks King Duggan might once again take his throne? Also, in 8 days we have the perennial WWE cool down PPV, Backlash. And to help us out with predictions is our good friend, Stu Finer. And finally, I am going to talk a little about some of the news floating around the internet.
The King Of The Ring
Ever since I was a kid, I have always loved wrestling. But something that drew me in was when I saw Wrestlemania 4. When I was really young, I wanted to soak up as much wrestling as I could so I begged my mom and my gramma to rent or buy me as many wrestling tapes as possible. (That’s right kiddies, we used to have these things called video tapes. A long since forgotten technology that has gone the way of Lazer Disc) The first time I saw WM 4, I was hooked on tournaments. And ever since then, I have loved whenever I got to see one. That is why I am very in favor of, for no particular reason, having this King Of The Ring tournament on Raw. I mean, lets face it, there has been no build up. Usually there is even a month worth of something. But this year its “Next week, the KOTR returns.†But like I said, I am in favor of it for a few reasons. For one, it’s a tournament. Wooooooo! Two, it’s a good way to keep things fresh on the way into Backlash. I mean lets face it, a lot of the PPV is a rehash of WM, so we’d be getting the same shit for the weeks coming. The KOTR is a way to spice things up. Though, I don’t really think a guy who is involved in a major feud ie, HBK, HHH, Cena, JBL, Orton or whoever is going to win, it’s still a way to get some fresh matches. We could see Taker vs. JBL, Batista vs. Big Show, Cena vs. Kane, MVP vs. HHH, Kofi Kingston vs. CM Punk, HBK vs. Matt Hardy or Orton vs. Big Show (And really, who wouldn’t want to see that fucking smurf get his ass SQUASHED by Show?). The possibilities are literally endless and that’s why I like it.
Now there are some downsides. For one, who the fuck is in it? I mean those matches I mentioned are possibilities but only until we find out who is in it. And its only an 8 man tourney. On a three hour show. Even if every match went 20 min, which you know they WONT, it still wouldn’t full the three hours. So methinks something is up, but I don’t know what. How will they go about picking entrants? Will it be a random drawing? A battle royal and letting the last 8 go at it? How about a 16 man tag and then the winning team enters into the tourney. Also, I don’t really like the fact that only the big stars are going to be in it. I mean does anyone really fucking think that Undertaker, Randy Orton, or Kane are going to win this thing? If it comes down to HHH vs. CM Punk, really who is gonna win? The guy who logically needs the push or HHH? I mean come on. I really think the only “names†that have a chance to win it are Big Show, Jericho, MVP, Khali, Punk and, the man who I think will win it. Now, this guy really has had nothing to do for a while. He has been in feuds that produced solid to great matches with even better intensity, but all in all, he has been being relatively misused IMO. That’s why I feel that the winner of this years King Of The Ring will be…….JBL. That’s right. I believe it would be the best thing for him right now. He has no chance right now to get the WWE Title because I don’t think Orton is dropping it anytime soon. The IC belt is out because he’s already feuded with Jericho. And he already think’s he’s gods gift to shit. So why not have him win the King Of The Ring? I mean my god, I bet the character would hold that as HIGH as winning a world title. He’s be fucking royalty! And I really don’t think he’d adopt the royalty gimmick per se, but he would defiantly use parts of it to enhance his character. I think Jericho might actually go the full royal gimmick if he wins but as a rocked out king. If Punk wins, sad to say, unless he turns heel, he’ll just be like “yeah, I won it†which is really effing boring. So as much as I like Punk, I hope a heel wins. Id actually get a kick out of Khali winning it and him become “King Khaliâ€. Just imagine him being carried out every week. A 7ft4in, 400lb Punjabi King on that thing that Savage used to be carried out on. It would take 6 men just for the 245lb Macho King, It would have to take double that for Khali. Id just like to see the developmental guys and their faces “God damn it, I don’t think 500 dollars a week is worth it to carry this walking turd out to the ring.â€
News Odds n Ends
This is really due to a lack of anything better to write about. It’s the equivelant of JBL vs. Finlay at Mania. It’s filler. But I am going to do my bestest to make it entertaining as hell.
So it seems the whole net is up in arms about Joey Styles leaving the ECW announcing team. I don’t really care. And all in all, it wont affect the show because in reality, unless the announcer is the drizzling shits, it wont matter. You know what people watch wrestling shows for? It’s not announcers, I can tell you that. He’s better than the Coach, he’s better than Don West, and he seems to have a genuine enthusiasm about it, so give him a chance or better yet, mute your fucking TV and quit whining. And I’m talking to you PAUL HEYMAN.
Awesome Kong was rushed to the hospital a few hours before Lockdown, and there was some fear that she wasn’t going to be able to go. When I first read the story I thought her fat ass had a heart attack but apparently it wasn’t the case as she said it was “a personal issue†that she was embarrassed about. Now I don’t think she was steadily hemorrhaging from her vagina (which is what a lot of women say when they have a “personal issueâ€) so I bet someone close to her, a friend or a family member, was acting a fool and maybe she got into a fight. Really, who’d pick a fight with Kong unless they knew who she was. You know what they say about family, you can pick your ass, but you cant pick your family.
Roddy Piper said he wasn’t given enough notice to make it to Flair’s 3 day weekend. He said it is one of the low points of his life as he and Flair are very close friends. I think, if its true, that the WWE only gave him two days notice, that’s bullshit. Then again, I don’t think it would have been too much effort on his part to tune into Raw or SD once the month before Mania and see that Flair was retiring.
The WWE is on the look out for “ethnic†Diva’s. Now, I’m all for getting colors to add to the WWE’s pail rainbow, but I personally am not a fan of the dark meat, so to speak. But that’s personal choice and there are exceptions. This black actress who used to be on La Vegas, FUCKING HOT! Here is what the WWE is looking for
Must be between the ages of 18-27 years old and fit the following:
- Beautiful
- Speaks and understands Portuguese
- Speaks and understands English
- Physically fit/ Athletic
- Great personality
Perhaps we can add knowledge or ability of the product in there? Pretty please?
Drew McEntyre and Kevin Throne have been taken off the WWE main roster. I really feel bad for Kevin as he really hasn’t been able to find his footing. I really liked both of the gimmicks he had, Mordecai moreso than the vampire. But for some reason, it wasn’t getting over with the fans so, back he goes. I hope he is able to find something that works because I think he is a tremendous hand in the ring. Drew, well, he was brought up too soon. That is obvious. And the WWE are in the habit of doing that. I hope they aren’t rushing Ted’s kid when he comes up to SD, which is the rumor right now. I’ve seen him and the guy is a BEAST.
And speaking of new stars, the WWE have signed the son of WWE Legend and HOFer Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig. Now, we’ve seen that a kid cant always follow in his fathers footsteps (see David Flair) but from what I understand the kid is a natural athlete so it should be all good. This means the WWE has a DiBiasie, a Rhodes, a Smith, an Orton, a Neidhart, a Flair, and now a Hennig on their roster at some place. They have the spawn of some of the greatest workers of all time. I really hope this works out because I’d love to see them renew the rivalries their fathers carried out.
Backlash Predictions
And now its tiiiiiiiime for the maaaaaaaaaaaaain event of the evening, your Backlash predictions. And to help is out, we have the winningest, richest, most intelligent handicapper in the history of betting, STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU FHINNNNNNNNNNERRRR!
THAT’S RIGHT BABY STU FINER IS BACK TO MAKE YOUR MAN HIS BITCH. I categorically guarantee with these picks, you will have your bookie crying as he hands you his mortgage money! Backlash is just around the corner. And I know all of you are thinking your winning when you get your tax money back but guess what, I will be the one to single-handedly save the American economy as I will give you more expendable income than that monkey in the White House ever could!
Matt Hardy vs. MVP for the United States Title
The man who is money and the man who cost him money in the bank. Matt Hardy is back baby and he is out for blood! Matt has been on the shelf for months, waiting, hoping and training for this. And now it’s his time to shine. Also, did you all know that the M in MVP stands for Montell? Do you know who else has the name Montell? One of the sickest, evilest monsters in the history of the virtual world, Monty Burns. That man is a true heel. Now I know some of you are saying “that’s only his middle name†YEAH I KNOW THAT! But I also know this….heel champions, whose first name is the same as a supervillians middle name are a atrocious 1-7,042 all time in the WWE. That’s why I am picking Matt Hardy not only to win the match, but win the US Title! Bank on Hardy winning this like you can bank on his brother shooting smack while he watches the PPV from his brothers house!
Kane vs. Chavo Guerrero for the ECW Title
Who remembers what happened at Mania? Anyone? ILL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED, STU FINER CAME THROUGH WITH THE MEGA PICK OF THE YEAR! Kane won the battle royal, Kane won the title, Kane simply dominated. And since he won the BR like I said he would, technically that is 28 correct predictions for me, that’s right. Add that to the match after and STU FINER IS ON FIRE! You really want to listen to me on this one. Chavo Guerrero has everything going his way. He has been owning Kane of TV all week AND he has a new bodyguard. But that matters not as he is going up against the big red machine. The man who ran through his monkey ass at Mania in EIGHT SECONDS! Chavo cant hang! Chavo is going down! Load the boat on Kane over Chavo!
Batista vs. Shawn Michaels
Now I want you all to forget that I predicted Ric Flair to win at WM. Because in reality, he won in the end and that’s all that matters right? No one is doing this to make money are they? HBK and the Animal are two grown men who just flat out want to kill each other. And in Stu’s opinion, it is not looking good for Shawn. I know he has slayed the biggest giants the world has ever seen but this Animal is a zebra of a different color. Batista is mad, Batista is hungry, and he is out for revenge. But let me tell you this, while HBK is probably going to win, there is no way in hell he is going to walk out of the show on his own power.
The Great Khali vs. The Big Show
Boy talk about two tanker trucks going at it. If Stu could be so arrogant as to quote a long dead man this is the “irresistible force vs. the immovable objectâ€. And after a failed peace offering and numerous back offs, Khali came out on Smackdown this week and sent Show a message by picking up the 400lb giant and dropped him like no one ever has, even Kevin Nash. On the surface this looks like a hard match to call, but thanks to the patented “Finer Research Instituteâ€, or Fri, we have this one amazing piece of inside info. The Great Khali is from where? India! And there has only been one other wrestler from India to ever make it to the bigs. The homicidal, suicidal, genocidal, death defying Sabu! In fact, being from India isnt all they have in common. Neither of them can cut a promo and their ring skills are limited at best. But did you know that foreign born superstars, who have 4 or more letters in their name, are a historic 4-1,034,871 all time at PPVs in the month of April! Make sure you lay down BIG money on the BIG Show!
Edge vs. The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship
Ok, back to serious mode. Stu is gone but I am going to give you his pick with a little more anlysis and commentary. Backlash, by its very nature is going to look like dogass when compared to the show that came the month before. So let it be known, don’t expect this show or any of the matches on this show to be WM quality. That being said, I am looking for this match to be better than their last one. For a few reasons. One, there aren’t many guys who can go out their first time and tear it down. These guys never went at each other one on one before so their first match was bound to have some bumps and it did. I think this match is going to be greater than the Mania match because they aren’t under as much pressure. As for the outcome, I really don’t think Taker is going to win the title at Mania and drop it at Backlash.
Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. HHH vs. JBL for the WWE Title
This is the second year the WWE has given us a fatal 4 way at Backlash. I know they want to have as big a card as possible, but would it have been so bad to have Cena vs. HHH or JBL in a number one contenders match and leave the main event to be one on one? Not that I am complaining too much as I love 4 ways and 3 ways, but it was the same last year and really, does anyone expect Orton to lose the belt here? JBL has absolutely ZERO chance of winning, and Cena and HHH have about a 30% chance of winning each. But I really don’t think that either of them are going to win. I really don’t like the predictability of the show and this match in particular, but if they can make it entertaining, it shouldn’t matter. Just don’t give us a worked MMA match, PLEASE!
Well that’s it for this No Smark Zone. Thanks for reading and don’t forget to read SP’s ECW and Raw reviews and my SD Review here weekly on the IWF! Also, get your ass over to DM and check out my vids if you havent seen them! See ya next week!
The King Of The Ring
Ever since I was a kid, I have always loved wrestling. But something that drew me in was when I saw Wrestlemania 4. When I was really young, I wanted to soak up as much wrestling as I could so I begged my mom and my gramma to rent or buy me as many wrestling tapes as possible. (That’s right kiddies, we used to have these things called video tapes. A long since forgotten technology that has gone the way of Lazer Disc) The first time I saw WM 4, I was hooked on tournaments. And ever since then, I have loved whenever I got to see one. That is why I am very in favor of, for no particular reason, having this King Of The Ring tournament on Raw. I mean, lets face it, there has been no build up. Usually there is even a month worth of something. But this year its “Next week, the KOTR returns.†But like I said, I am in favor of it for a few reasons. For one, it’s a tournament. Wooooooo! Two, it’s a good way to keep things fresh on the way into Backlash. I mean lets face it, a lot of the PPV is a rehash of WM, so we’d be getting the same shit for the weeks coming. The KOTR is a way to spice things up. Though, I don’t really think a guy who is involved in a major feud ie, HBK, HHH, Cena, JBL, Orton or whoever is going to win, it’s still a way to get some fresh matches. We could see Taker vs. JBL, Batista vs. Big Show, Cena vs. Kane, MVP vs. HHH, Kofi Kingston vs. CM Punk, HBK vs. Matt Hardy or Orton vs. Big Show (And really, who wouldn’t want to see that fucking smurf get his ass SQUASHED by Show?). The possibilities are literally endless and that’s why I like it.
Now there are some downsides. For one, who the fuck is in it? I mean those matches I mentioned are possibilities but only until we find out who is in it. And its only an 8 man tourney. On a three hour show. Even if every match went 20 min, which you know they WONT, it still wouldn’t full the three hours. So methinks something is up, but I don’t know what. How will they go about picking entrants? Will it be a random drawing? A battle royal and letting the last 8 go at it? How about a 16 man tag and then the winning team enters into the tourney. Also, I don’t really like the fact that only the big stars are going to be in it. I mean does anyone really fucking think that Undertaker, Randy Orton, or Kane are going to win this thing? If it comes down to HHH vs. CM Punk, really who is gonna win? The guy who logically needs the push or HHH? I mean come on. I really think the only “names†that have a chance to win it are Big Show, Jericho, MVP, Khali, Punk and, the man who I think will win it. Now, this guy really has had nothing to do for a while. He has been in feuds that produced solid to great matches with even better intensity, but all in all, he has been being relatively misused IMO. That’s why I feel that the winner of this years King Of The Ring will be…….JBL. That’s right. I believe it would be the best thing for him right now. He has no chance right now to get the WWE Title because I don’t think Orton is dropping it anytime soon. The IC belt is out because he’s already feuded with Jericho. And he already think’s he’s gods gift to shit. So why not have him win the King Of The Ring? I mean my god, I bet the character would hold that as HIGH as winning a world title. He’s be fucking royalty! And I really don’t think he’d adopt the royalty gimmick per se, but he would defiantly use parts of it to enhance his character. I think Jericho might actually go the full royal gimmick if he wins but as a rocked out king. If Punk wins, sad to say, unless he turns heel, he’ll just be like “yeah, I won it†which is really effing boring. So as much as I like Punk, I hope a heel wins. Id actually get a kick out of Khali winning it and him become “King Khaliâ€. Just imagine him being carried out every week. A 7ft4in, 400lb Punjabi King on that thing that Savage used to be carried out on. It would take 6 men just for the 245lb Macho King, It would have to take double that for Khali. Id just like to see the developmental guys and their faces “God damn it, I don’t think 500 dollars a week is worth it to carry this walking turd out to the ring.â€
News Odds n Ends
This is really due to a lack of anything better to write about. It’s the equivelant of JBL vs. Finlay at Mania. It’s filler. But I am going to do my bestest to make it entertaining as hell.
So it seems the whole net is up in arms about Joey Styles leaving the ECW announcing team. I don’t really care. And all in all, it wont affect the show because in reality, unless the announcer is the drizzling shits, it wont matter. You know what people watch wrestling shows for? It’s not announcers, I can tell you that. He’s better than the Coach, he’s better than Don West, and he seems to have a genuine enthusiasm about it, so give him a chance or better yet, mute your fucking TV and quit whining. And I’m talking to you PAUL HEYMAN.
Awesome Kong was rushed to the hospital a few hours before Lockdown, and there was some fear that she wasn’t going to be able to go. When I first read the story I thought her fat ass had a heart attack but apparently it wasn’t the case as she said it was “a personal issue†that she was embarrassed about. Now I don’t think she was steadily hemorrhaging from her vagina (which is what a lot of women say when they have a “personal issueâ€) so I bet someone close to her, a friend or a family member, was acting a fool and maybe she got into a fight. Really, who’d pick a fight with Kong unless they knew who she was. You know what they say about family, you can pick your ass, but you cant pick your family.
Roddy Piper said he wasn’t given enough notice to make it to Flair’s 3 day weekend. He said it is one of the low points of his life as he and Flair are very close friends. I think, if its true, that the WWE only gave him two days notice, that’s bullshit. Then again, I don’t think it would have been too much effort on his part to tune into Raw or SD once the month before Mania and see that Flair was retiring.
The WWE is on the look out for “ethnic†Diva’s. Now, I’m all for getting colors to add to the WWE’s pail rainbow, but I personally am not a fan of the dark meat, so to speak. But that’s personal choice and there are exceptions. This black actress who used to be on La Vegas, FUCKING HOT! Here is what the WWE is looking for
Must be between the ages of 18-27 years old and fit the following:
- Beautiful
- Speaks and understands Portuguese
- Speaks and understands English
- Physically fit/ Athletic
- Great personality
Perhaps we can add knowledge or ability of the product in there? Pretty please?
Drew McEntyre and Kevin Throne have been taken off the WWE main roster. I really feel bad for Kevin as he really hasn’t been able to find his footing. I really liked both of the gimmicks he had, Mordecai moreso than the vampire. But for some reason, it wasn’t getting over with the fans so, back he goes. I hope he is able to find something that works because I think he is a tremendous hand in the ring. Drew, well, he was brought up too soon. That is obvious. And the WWE are in the habit of doing that. I hope they aren’t rushing Ted’s kid when he comes up to SD, which is the rumor right now. I’ve seen him and the guy is a BEAST.
And speaking of new stars, the WWE have signed the son of WWE Legend and HOFer Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig. Now, we’ve seen that a kid cant always follow in his fathers footsteps (see David Flair) but from what I understand the kid is a natural athlete so it should be all good. This means the WWE has a DiBiasie, a Rhodes, a Smith, an Orton, a Neidhart, a Flair, and now a Hennig on their roster at some place. They have the spawn of some of the greatest workers of all time. I really hope this works out because I’d love to see them renew the rivalries their fathers carried out.
Backlash Predictions
And now its tiiiiiiiime for the maaaaaaaaaaaaain event of the evening, your Backlash predictions. And to help is out, we have the winningest, richest, most intelligent handicapper in the history of betting, STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU FHINNNNNNNNNNERRRR!
THAT’S RIGHT BABY STU FINER IS BACK TO MAKE YOUR MAN HIS BITCH. I categorically guarantee with these picks, you will have your bookie crying as he hands you his mortgage money! Backlash is just around the corner. And I know all of you are thinking your winning when you get your tax money back but guess what, I will be the one to single-handedly save the American economy as I will give you more expendable income than that monkey in the White House ever could!
Matt Hardy vs. MVP for the United States Title
The man who is money and the man who cost him money in the bank. Matt Hardy is back baby and he is out for blood! Matt has been on the shelf for months, waiting, hoping and training for this. And now it’s his time to shine. Also, did you all know that the M in MVP stands for Montell? Do you know who else has the name Montell? One of the sickest, evilest monsters in the history of the virtual world, Monty Burns. That man is a true heel. Now I know some of you are saying “that’s only his middle name†YEAH I KNOW THAT! But I also know this….heel champions, whose first name is the same as a supervillians middle name are a atrocious 1-7,042 all time in the WWE. That’s why I am picking Matt Hardy not only to win the match, but win the US Title! Bank on Hardy winning this like you can bank on his brother shooting smack while he watches the PPV from his brothers house!
Kane vs. Chavo Guerrero for the ECW Title
Who remembers what happened at Mania? Anyone? ILL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED, STU FINER CAME THROUGH WITH THE MEGA PICK OF THE YEAR! Kane won the battle royal, Kane won the title, Kane simply dominated. And since he won the BR like I said he would, technically that is 28 correct predictions for me, that’s right. Add that to the match after and STU FINER IS ON FIRE! You really want to listen to me on this one. Chavo Guerrero has everything going his way. He has been owning Kane of TV all week AND he has a new bodyguard. But that matters not as he is going up against the big red machine. The man who ran through his monkey ass at Mania in EIGHT SECONDS! Chavo cant hang! Chavo is going down! Load the boat on Kane over Chavo!
Batista vs. Shawn Michaels
Now I want you all to forget that I predicted Ric Flair to win at WM. Because in reality, he won in the end and that’s all that matters right? No one is doing this to make money are they? HBK and the Animal are two grown men who just flat out want to kill each other. And in Stu’s opinion, it is not looking good for Shawn. I know he has slayed the biggest giants the world has ever seen but this Animal is a zebra of a different color. Batista is mad, Batista is hungry, and he is out for revenge. But let me tell you this, while HBK is probably going to win, there is no way in hell he is going to walk out of the show on his own power.
The Great Khali vs. The Big Show
Boy talk about two tanker trucks going at it. If Stu could be so arrogant as to quote a long dead man this is the “irresistible force vs. the immovable objectâ€. And after a failed peace offering and numerous back offs, Khali came out on Smackdown this week and sent Show a message by picking up the 400lb giant and dropped him like no one ever has, even Kevin Nash. On the surface this looks like a hard match to call, but thanks to the patented “Finer Research Instituteâ€, or Fri, we have this one amazing piece of inside info. The Great Khali is from where? India! And there has only been one other wrestler from India to ever make it to the bigs. The homicidal, suicidal, genocidal, death defying Sabu! In fact, being from India isnt all they have in common. Neither of them can cut a promo and their ring skills are limited at best. But did you know that foreign born superstars, who have 4 or more letters in their name, are a historic 4-1,034,871 all time at PPVs in the month of April! Make sure you lay down BIG money on the BIG Show!
Edge vs. The Undertaker for the World Heavyweight Championship
Ok, back to serious mode. Stu is gone but I am going to give you his pick with a little more anlysis and commentary. Backlash, by its very nature is going to look like dogass when compared to the show that came the month before. So let it be known, don’t expect this show or any of the matches on this show to be WM quality. That being said, I am looking for this match to be better than their last one. For a few reasons. One, there aren’t many guys who can go out their first time and tear it down. These guys never went at each other one on one before so their first match was bound to have some bumps and it did. I think this match is going to be greater than the Mania match because they aren’t under as much pressure. As for the outcome, I really don’t think Taker is going to win the title at Mania and drop it at Backlash.
Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. HHH vs. JBL for the WWE Title
This is the second year the WWE has given us a fatal 4 way at Backlash. I know they want to have as big a card as possible, but would it have been so bad to have Cena vs. HHH or JBL in a number one contenders match and leave the main event to be one on one? Not that I am complaining too much as I love 4 ways and 3 ways, but it was the same last year and really, does anyone expect Orton to lose the belt here? JBL has absolutely ZERO chance of winning, and Cena and HHH have about a 30% chance of winning each. But I really don’t think that either of them are going to win. I really don’t like the predictability of the show and this match in particular, but if they can make it entertaining, it shouldn’t matter. Just don’t give us a worked MMA match, PLEASE!
Well that’s it for this No Smark Zone. Thanks for reading and don’t forget to read SP’s ECW and Raw reviews and my SD Review here weekly on the IWF! Also, get your ass over to DM and check out my vids if you havent seen them! See ya next week!
