The No Smark Zone 27: Kaedon gives Christmas gifts to the WWE Superstars and the debut of my gambling expert!
A merry, merry and a happy, happy to everyone out there. I just recently got into a debate with my cousin about raising a kid not to believe in Santa Clause. He is of the belief that Christmas is “too commercial†and “it should be about Jesus.†He thinks it’s deceiving kids, because it’s a lie. I find this funny coming from a guy who believes in perfect proof that God exists. I wouldn’t say this, however, in a room full of highly religious folks. Anyway, I have decided to play the role of Santa this year, and I am going to give some WWE Superstars some gifts this year.
To: Shelton Benjamin
Gift: A New Gimmick
I have something you have sorely needed for a long time. Shelton, take the dye out of your hair because you are getting a new gimmick. Shelton needs a gimmick that can work around his obvious lack of mic skills. Generally when you wanted to do this back in the day, you made someone the strong silent type like Undertaker or you simply just gave them a manager. Shelton is too small and nowhere near intense enough to be a Benoit kinda strong and silent type, and we’ve already tried giving him a manager, so what to do? Shelton, you are now the next member of the new Nation of Domination. Along with Elijah Burke, Mark Henry, and Big Daddy V, you are now surrounded by guys who are good at promoing or who have been doing them for 10+ years. You can now step up at certain times, try new things, and then step back and let someone else take the lead reigns until you are comfortable. While I do think that you should be much better than you are right now, this is the best option young man. Merry Christmas.
To: John Cena
Gift: A Heel Turn
I think this is something he has been needing for a while. And unfortunately on Raw, that wasn’t really possible. But when he comes back, presumably, we will have DX, Bobby Lashley, Jeff Hardy, and Chris Jericho. Conversely, you will have only Kennedy, Orton, JBL and maybe Umaga. 5 top line heels and 5 top line faces would make for a VERY interesting Raw. Most of Cena’s best matches have been against the top 5 faces on Raw. HBK, HHH, Jericho, and to a certain extent, even Lashley. Now, I’m not saying do it right away. But do it as soon as you get as many fans behind him as possible. It’s a lot easier to turn someone if he is extremely loved and/or hated. See The Rock/Vince McMahon at Survivor Series. The people were begging for Rock to become a face and instead, Rock said FUCK YOU and stayed heel and the crowd ate it up. This is what I think could happen with Cena, just not to that degree. And when Cena finally does turn heel, I’d like to see him start a stable of his own. Finally, FINALLY, we get to see “Tha Chain Gangâ€. Something I have been wanting to see since Cena’s CD came out 2 years ago. That song is so heel stable music its not even funny. It’s like he was saying “I WANT TO GO HEEL RIGHT NOW!!†Anyway, enjoy it Cena, because the fans might hate you more than Vince McMahon!
To: TNA Production Crew
Gift: Duct Tape
Seriously guys, you guys have more technical problems than ECW had back in the day. Directors taking the cameras at the wrong times, and really it shouldn’t matter because even if they do live to tape, there should be computers recording EVERYTHING for post, to SHIT FALLING FROM THE CEILING, you guys need some help. And you know what fixes everything? That’s right, duct tape. Tripod leg is broken? Duct tape. The top of the camera is coming off? Duct tape. Your kid has cancer? Well shit, get yourself some DUCT TAPE! Seriously guys, duct tape the fucking X so it doesn’t god damn fall, and DUCT TAPE THE GOD DAMN CONTRACT TO THE CLIP BOARD!
To: The WWE Writers/Bookers
Gift: Some New Ideas
Now there really are no new ideas under the sun. The Elimination Chamber isn’t new. The Punjabi Prison, isn’t new. Ultimate X isn’t new, Elevation X isn’t new. What they are, however, are modern twists on old favorites. The EC is basically War Games, the Punjabi Prison is pretty much a double cage match, etc. However, I do believe the WWE need some new ideas when it comes to booking. It starts with the guys they have to book. A lot of them look the same. But I think the big thing they need, is someone in their ears who is younger, like DX did for them in the 1990’s/ HBK told Vince he shouldn’t be in the position of trying to give the people “cool†when he’s 50 and now 60. I’m not saying let the fans book shit, I am saying let a younger wrestler have some input. CM Punk or Edge perhaps. Something that they know so it’s something that they can feel, so it’s something that all of us can feel. Currently, I think the best storyline defies that convention. Ric Flair and his thing is really looking good. I also think that before the internet fucking spoiled it, Jericho’s comeback was the most interesting thing the WWE did since Vince blew himself up. It had everyone talking. They were watching the show, downloading the commercials, analyzing the videos. It was great! But yes, there is Santa’s gift to you, enjoy it!
To: TNA’s X-Division
Gift: ROH’s Secrets Of The Ring Tapes
Here is the thing I don’t get about TNA. They have, at their disposal, two of the most brilliant minds in the wrestling industry in Raven and Jim Cornette, and they don’t fucking listen to them. I have listened to hours upon hours of Cornette, Raven, and so many others go through the basics of working, promos, booking, etc. and almost none of the people who work for TNA listen to them. All of them, from what I have heard and seen, still set up everything in the back and are unwilling to learn how to work on the fly. That’s when you get shit like Ultimate X and Christian Ladder Match fiascos. And I know Raven talks to all of them because he isn’t like Hulk Hogan who locked himself in his own dressing room because no one who has ever talked about Raven has ever indicated that. So these idiots aren’t taking it on themselves to learn and then they wonder why their company is in the shitter. And then we have the booking committee. Jesus Christ. PICK PEOPLE TO BE HEELS AND FACES PEOPLE!! What the fuck is going on!? Is Angle a face or a heel? Anyone who says heel, tell me why he goes out and gives the fans what they want, acting like a face, and then seconds later acting like a chicken shit, back fighting heel? Exactly. So you guys, go buy, download, watch, and listen and make your product 100 times better than it is right now.
To: The Hardy Boyz
Gift: Main Event Pushes
These two have been very good boys for the past 10 years or so. And now, they will finally get what has been coming to them. Jeff Hardy is getting a legit world title push and Matt Hardy, I believe, will get one when he comes back. After he dispatches with MVP, probably after Mania, he will set his sights on Edge and they will renew their rivalry. And I must say, its about effing time. But do you want to know why this is such a great thing? Because these pushes have/will come, not when there is a lack of depth on the rosters, a la the Finaly and Hardcore Holly pushes on SD. No no, these will come because these two men are genuinely two of the best the WWE has at the moment. That, and there are so many potential matches for them if they become champion. Bobby vs. Jeff, HBK vs. Jeff, Matt vs. Undertaker, Matt vs. Batista, Jeff vs. Orton and so on. Boys, I am making you the wrestlers of the 21st Century.
I hope you kids enjoy your presents. And if you’re all good boys, you will get even more and better gifts next year.
With the upcoming Royal Rumble I have decided to add a new feature in the No Smark Zone. I know a lot of you out there, like me, are degenerate gamblers. Whether it’s the ponies, the pigskin, or little Pete’s pop-warner football game, you gotta find some action, and you gotta lay down the cash. I have found a man to help you make the most money out from each PPV. His name….Stu Finer.
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLADIES AND GENTLEMAN, BOYS, GIRLS, AND GAMBLAHOLICS, Stu Finer is here to make you money with just a simple phone call and a trip to your local watering hole. That’s right folks! Stu Finer is going to make your man poorer than Ric Flair after his second divorce! Me and my team of wrestling research specialists are going to give you the inside info you need to know to take your bookie to the bank. And the next time you pull up to make it bet, you can pull up in a Lamborghini instead of that shitty Festiva!
Pick number one…Randy Orton over Jeff Hardy for the WWE Championship
Now I know what you’re gonna say..â€Stu, Jeff is fresh off a win over The Gameâ€, “Stu, Jeff Hardy is in revenge modeâ€, “Stu, Jeff Hardy has had Randy Orton’s number for the past 3 weeks†YEAH I KNOW ALL THAT! But here is what you didn’t know. Jeff Hardy CHOKES at the Royal Rumble. Since his RR debut in 2001, he is an abysmal 2-6 at the second biggest PPV of the year. And let us not forget who he is facing. Randy Orton. A man who has been getting, beat, bruised, and humiliated for the past 4 weeks. This mans pissed, this man is angry, THIS MAN WANTS THE HARDY MONKEY OFF HIS BACK so he can focus on the biggest match of his career at Wrestlemania. But now, here is where the “Finer Research†pays off. Look at the names, Jeff H-A-R-D-Y and Randy O-R-T-O-N. That’s 5 letters in both last names. Guys who have 5 letters in their last name and whose first letter of their first and last name begins with a letter in the second half of the alphabet are an astonishing 135-2 all time RR history! You want to start off the new year with a bang? TAKE RANDY ORTON over JEFF HARDY!
Pick number 2…Edge over Rey Mysterio for the World Heavyweight Championship
Folks, yhis is a no brainer. I’m surprised that Vegas is even taking action on his one. But never underestimate the power of stupid people who like the underdog. And folks, Rey Mysterio isn’t even an underdog, HE’S AN UNDER SNAKE! He is so far under that table, he can see up the skirt HHH makes HBK wear! He is so far under, he could be main eventing for TNA! And make no mistake about it, Rey has almost no chance of winning this match. They say “well it only takes 3 seconds†HA! It only takes 3 seconds for Edge to turn the ref and his lackeys can hit Rey with some double team maneuver and that will be it! Now before you say “Stu, that’s all conjecture, what about the stats?†You want stats, Stu’s got stats up the ying yang for you! How’s this for a stat….Hispanic wrestlers, who wear a mask and have more than 3 tattoo’s ANNNNNNNNNNND who have a 3 letter name on their left leg along with a mask are a criminal 98-4 all time at the Royal Rumble! TAKE THE EDGE-A-NATOR over REY MYSTERIO!
And now, for pick number 3, where if there was a point spread you would probably want the points, you would need the points, and in 50 states plus that one leper state off the coast of Florida, legally, youd get the points, but you wont need them….JBL IN A STONE COLD UPSET OVER THE NEWLY RETURNED CHRIS JERICHO! This is where the time tested “Finer Research†comes in. John Bradshaw Layfield is also known as what? JBL. Chris Jericho is also known as what? Y2J. Hmmm….interesting is it not? How’s this for interesting…guys named John who have 3 letter initials in their name and who have moved from Texas to New York city taking on guys named Chris who moved from Canada to New York and who have 2 letters and a NUMBER in their name are an amazing 145-9 all time at the Royal Rumble!! TAKE JBL OVER KYJ!
THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! RANDY ORTON OVER JEFF HARDY, EDGE OVER REY MYSTERIO, AND JBL OVER CHRIS JERICHO! Stu Finer is telling you, if you make these picks, you will have enough money to buy your girlfriend those big fake ta-ta’s she’s been bugging you for! STU IS ON FIRE, STU IS GONNA BE 3-0. AND STU IS OUT OF HERE! Remember folks, its only gambling, IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOURE DOING!!
Well that’s it for this edition of the no Smark Zone. Next week I am going to do some more fact or fiction, so if you want to be in it, let me know. As always, I appreciate any and all feedback. Thanks for reading, see ya next week!
A merry, merry and a happy, happy to everyone out there. I just recently got into a debate with my cousin about raising a kid not to believe in Santa Clause. He is of the belief that Christmas is “too commercial†and “it should be about Jesus.†He thinks it’s deceiving kids, because it’s a lie. I find this funny coming from a guy who believes in perfect proof that God exists. I wouldn’t say this, however, in a room full of highly religious folks. Anyway, I have decided to play the role of Santa this year, and I am going to give some WWE Superstars some gifts this year.
To: Shelton Benjamin
Gift: A New Gimmick
I have something you have sorely needed for a long time. Shelton, take the dye out of your hair because you are getting a new gimmick. Shelton needs a gimmick that can work around his obvious lack of mic skills. Generally when you wanted to do this back in the day, you made someone the strong silent type like Undertaker or you simply just gave them a manager. Shelton is too small and nowhere near intense enough to be a Benoit kinda strong and silent type, and we’ve already tried giving him a manager, so what to do? Shelton, you are now the next member of the new Nation of Domination. Along with Elijah Burke, Mark Henry, and Big Daddy V, you are now surrounded by guys who are good at promoing or who have been doing them for 10+ years. You can now step up at certain times, try new things, and then step back and let someone else take the lead reigns until you are comfortable. While I do think that you should be much better than you are right now, this is the best option young man. Merry Christmas.
To: John Cena
Gift: A Heel Turn
I think this is something he has been needing for a while. And unfortunately on Raw, that wasn’t really possible. But when he comes back, presumably, we will have DX, Bobby Lashley, Jeff Hardy, and Chris Jericho. Conversely, you will have only Kennedy, Orton, JBL and maybe Umaga. 5 top line heels and 5 top line faces would make for a VERY interesting Raw. Most of Cena’s best matches have been against the top 5 faces on Raw. HBK, HHH, Jericho, and to a certain extent, even Lashley. Now, I’m not saying do it right away. But do it as soon as you get as many fans behind him as possible. It’s a lot easier to turn someone if he is extremely loved and/or hated. See The Rock/Vince McMahon at Survivor Series. The people were begging for Rock to become a face and instead, Rock said FUCK YOU and stayed heel and the crowd ate it up. This is what I think could happen with Cena, just not to that degree. And when Cena finally does turn heel, I’d like to see him start a stable of his own. Finally, FINALLY, we get to see “Tha Chain Gangâ€. Something I have been wanting to see since Cena’s CD came out 2 years ago. That song is so heel stable music its not even funny. It’s like he was saying “I WANT TO GO HEEL RIGHT NOW!!†Anyway, enjoy it Cena, because the fans might hate you more than Vince McMahon!
To: TNA Production Crew
Gift: Duct Tape
Seriously guys, you guys have more technical problems than ECW had back in the day. Directors taking the cameras at the wrong times, and really it shouldn’t matter because even if they do live to tape, there should be computers recording EVERYTHING for post, to SHIT FALLING FROM THE CEILING, you guys need some help. And you know what fixes everything? That’s right, duct tape. Tripod leg is broken? Duct tape. The top of the camera is coming off? Duct tape. Your kid has cancer? Well shit, get yourself some DUCT TAPE! Seriously guys, duct tape the fucking X so it doesn’t god damn fall, and DUCT TAPE THE GOD DAMN CONTRACT TO THE CLIP BOARD!
To: The WWE Writers/Bookers
Gift: Some New Ideas
Now there really are no new ideas under the sun. The Elimination Chamber isn’t new. The Punjabi Prison, isn’t new. Ultimate X isn’t new, Elevation X isn’t new. What they are, however, are modern twists on old favorites. The EC is basically War Games, the Punjabi Prison is pretty much a double cage match, etc. However, I do believe the WWE need some new ideas when it comes to booking. It starts with the guys they have to book. A lot of them look the same. But I think the big thing they need, is someone in their ears who is younger, like DX did for them in the 1990’s/ HBK told Vince he shouldn’t be in the position of trying to give the people “cool†when he’s 50 and now 60. I’m not saying let the fans book shit, I am saying let a younger wrestler have some input. CM Punk or Edge perhaps. Something that they know so it’s something that they can feel, so it’s something that all of us can feel. Currently, I think the best storyline defies that convention. Ric Flair and his thing is really looking good. I also think that before the internet fucking spoiled it, Jericho’s comeback was the most interesting thing the WWE did since Vince blew himself up. It had everyone talking. They were watching the show, downloading the commercials, analyzing the videos. It was great! But yes, there is Santa’s gift to you, enjoy it!
To: TNA’s X-Division
Gift: ROH’s Secrets Of The Ring Tapes
Here is the thing I don’t get about TNA. They have, at their disposal, two of the most brilliant minds in the wrestling industry in Raven and Jim Cornette, and they don’t fucking listen to them. I have listened to hours upon hours of Cornette, Raven, and so many others go through the basics of working, promos, booking, etc. and almost none of the people who work for TNA listen to them. All of them, from what I have heard and seen, still set up everything in the back and are unwilling to learn how to work on the fly. That’s when you get shit like Ultimate X and Christian Ladder Match fiascos. And I know Raven talks to all of them because he isn’t like Hulk Hogan who locked himself in his own dressing room because no one who has ever talked about Raven has ever indicated that. So these idiots aren’t taking it on themselves to learn and then they wonder why their company is in the shitter. And then we have the booking committee. Jesus Christ. PICK PEOPLE TO BE HEELS AND FACES PEOPLE!! What the fuck is going on!? Is Angle a face or a heel? Anyone who says heel, tell me why he goes out and gives the fans what they want, acting like a face, and then seconds later acting like a chicken shit, back fighting heel? Exactly. So you guys, go buy, download, watch, and listen and make your product 100 times better than it is right now.
To: The Hardy Boyz
Gift: Main Event Pushes
These two have been very good boys for the past 10 years or so. And now, they will finally get what has been coming to them. Jeff Hardy is getting a legit world title push and Matt Hardy, I believe, will get one when he comes back. After he dispatches with MVP, probably after Mania, he will set his sights on Edge and they will renew their rivalry. And I must say, its about effing time. But do you want to know why this is such a great thing? Because these pushes have/will come, not when there is a lack of depth on the rosters, a la the Finaly and Hardcore Holly pushes on SD. No no, these will come because these two men are genuinely two of the best the WWE has at the moment. That, and there are so many potential matches for them if they become champion. Bobby vs. Jeff, HBK vs. Jeff, Matt vs. Undertaker, Matt vs. Batista, Jeff vs. Orton and so on. Boys, I am making you the wrestlers of the 21st Century.
I hope you kids enjoy your presents. And if you’re all good boys, you will get even more and better gifts next year.
With the upcoming Royal Rumble I have decided to add a new feature in the No Smark Zone. I know a lot of you out there, like me, are degenerate gamblers. Whether it’s the ponies, the pigskin, or little Pete’s pop-warner football game, you gotta find some action, and you gotta lay down the cash. I have found a man to help you make the most money out from each PPV. His name….Stu Finer.
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLADIES AND GENTLEMAN, BOYS, GIRLS, AND GAMBLAHOLICS, Stu Finer is here to make you money with just a simple phone call and a trip to your local watering hole. That’s right folks! Stu Finer is going to make your man poorer than Ric Flair after his second divorce! Me and my team of wrestling research specialists are going to give you the inside info you need to know to take your bookie to the bank. And the next time you pull up to make it bet, you can pull up in a Lamborghini instead of that shitty Festiva!
Pick number one…Randy Orton over Jeff Hardy for the WWE Championship
Now I know what you’re gonna say..â€Stu, Jeff is fresh off a win over The Gameâ€, “Stu, Jeff Hardy is in revenge modeâ€, “Stu, Jeff Hardy has had Randy Orton’s number for the past 3 weeks†YEAH I KNOW ALL THAT! But here is what you didn’t know. Jeff Hardy CHOKES at the Royal Rumble. Since his RR debut in 2001, he is an abysmal 2-6 at the second biggest PPV of the year. And let us not forget who he is facing. Randy Orton. A man who has been getting, beat, bruised, and humiliated for the past 4 weeks. This mans pissed, this man is angry, THIS MAN WANTS THE HARDY MONKEY OFF HIS BACK so he can focus on the biggest match of his career at Wrestlemania. But now, here is where the “Finer Research†pays off. Look at the names, Jeff H-A-R-D-Y and Randy O-R-T-O-N. That’s 5 letters in both last names. Guys who have 5 letters in their last name and whose first letter of their first and last name begins with a letter in the second half of the alphabet are an astonishing 135-2 all time RR history! You want to start off the new year with a bang? TAKE RANDY ORTON over JEFF HARDY!
Pick number 2…Edge over Rey Mysterio for the World Heavyweight Championship
Folks, yhis is a no brainer. I’m surprised that Vegas is even taking action on his one. But never underestimate the power of stupid people who like the underdog. And folks, Rey Mysterio isn’t even an underdog, HE’S AN UNDER SNAKE! He is so far under that table, he can see up the skirt HHH makes HBK wear! He is so far under, he could be main eventing for TNA! And make no mistake about it, Rey has almost no chance of winning this match. They say “well it only takes 3 seconds†HA! It only takes 3 seconds for Edge to turn the ref and his lackeys can hit Rey with some double team maneuver and that will be it! Now before you say “Stu, that’s all conjecture, what about the stats?†You want stats, Stu’s got stats up the ying yang for you! How’s this for a stat….Hispanic wrestlers, who wear a mask and have more than 3 tattoo’s ANNNNNNNNNNND who have a 3 letter name on their left leg along with a mask are a criminal 98-4 all time at the Royal Rumble! TAKE THE EDGE-A-NATOR over REY MYSTERIO!
And now, for pick number 3, where if there was a point spread you would probably want the points, you would need the points, and in 50 states plus that one leper state off the coast of Florida, legally, youd get the points, but you wont need them….JBL IN A STONE COLD UPSET OVER THE NEWLY RETURNED CHRIS JERICHO! This is where the time tested “Finer Research†comes in. John Bradshaw Layfield is also known as what? JBL. Chris Jericho is also known as what? Y2J. Hmmm….interesting is it not? How’s this for interesting…guys named John who have 3 letter initials in their name and who have moved from Texas to New York city taking on guys named Chris who moved from Canada to New York and who have 2 letters and a NUMBER in their name are an amazing 145-9 all time at the Royal Rumble!! TAKE JBL OVER KYJ!
THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! RANDY ORTON OVER JEFF HARDY, EDGE OVER REY MYSTERIO, AND JBL OVER CHRIS JERICHO! Stu Finer is telling you, if you make these picks, you will have enough money to buy your girlfriend those big fake ta-ta’s she’s been bugging you for! STU IS ON FIRE, STU IS GONNA BE 3-0. AND STU IS OUT OF HERE! Remember folks, its only gambling, IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOURE DOING!!
Well that’s it for this edition of the no Smark Zone. Next week I am going to do some more fact or fiction, so if you want to be in it, let me know. As always, I appreciate any and all feedback. Thanks for reading, see ya next week!
