The Fed Zone: Reviewing Every WWF/E PPV

[ChristianCaged]

WrestleMania

Date: 31 March 1985
Location: Madison Square Garden; New York City, NY
Commentary: Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse Ventura

Gene Okerlund kicks us off with a spirited (but let's face it, crap) rendition of Star Spangled Banner. Vince would quickly drop that for future WMs, as he decided "America the Beautiful" was a better song.

Tito Santana def. The Executioner (4:49)

The very first match at WrestleMania pits Tito Santana, who will stick around in WWF until 1993 and basically serve the role of the ultimate utility guy, against an outgoing Buddy Rose, who would wrestle his last WWF match here until 1990, under a very uncomfortable-looking mask. Don't worry though, he's going after Tito's leg! This is pretty much just a routine squash for Tito, who was very much in the Intercontinental Championship shake-up and arguably the company's biggest up-and-coming babyface at the time. A shame he never really made it, but he was always great in his role. Rose looked poor here as the Executioner, so fortunately they got through this quickly. *

King Kong Bundy def. SD Jones (0:24)

The longest nine seconds in WWF history! Or maybe the history of time? To quote David Brent, this was a "squaaash". Bundy hits a big Avalanche in the corner, kills Jones with a splash, and that's all she wrote. N/R

Ricky Steamboat def. Matt Borne (4:39)

Dick Blood vs. Doink! You'll have to wake up pretty early to find a rotten Ricky Steamboat match and, unsurprisingly, this is the best thing on the show so far. It's still an extended squash, basically, but Borne was always a solid worker and he bumps around the ring like a pro for Steamboat, who was still pretty new to the promotion as I recall and clearly earmarked for a midcard push. Steamboat hits a lovely cross-body to finish the job. **1/4

Brutus Beefcake vs. David Sammartino was fought to a Double DQ (11:43)

Someone decided that this would be the second longest match of the show. Terrible, take a lap. Sammartino was just a horrible shadow of his father in the ring and, as we'll document through these reviews, Brutus never had any talent as a worker, so this was predictably rough. The first 10 minutes is just basic wrestling with almost no heat or energy, and then our reward for sitting through that is a complete non-finish, which is pretty much designed to let Bruno get physical. Given that Bruno was still wrestling at the time (just about), I have no idea why this couldn't have been a tag match or something. At least the crowd would have cared! 1/4*

Intercontinental Championship: Junkyard Dog def. Greg Valentine (c) via count out (6:55)

These first few years in the company were pretty much Valentine's height in the WWF, and I wish he was given a better opponent here than a washed-up JYD. The match vs. Tito was right there! JYD's offense is all headbutts and punches here, and Valentine never gets to dip into his technical wrestling bag in any significant way. Then we get another screwy finish, after Tito rats on Hammer for cheating, which only serves to remind us of the Hammer/Tito match we should have got and make this feel like a huge waste of time. 1/2*

World Tag Team Championships: The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff def. The U.S. Express (c) (6:55)

This would have been a lot worse without Barry Windham, one of the best workers in the world around this time (as he would prove in JCP after this WWF run). As it is, this is a perfectly functional, template tag match that pits your evil foreign heels (plus turncoat manager) against a popular, All-American team. It's classic stuff, but we're in 1985 here and that stuff works. Blassie is not so classy and hands Sheik his walking stick, which he beats Windham over the head with to give Sheik and Volkoff a big victory. The U.S. Express would win the titles back later in the year, before finally dropping them to The Dream Team on their way out of the company. We'll see both of these guys again, individually. Decent match. **1/2

Andre the Giant def. Big John Studd in the Career vs. $15,000 Bodyslam Challenge (5:53)

Pretty diabolical match here, although Andre and Heenan's skirmishes and the interviews leading into this made me smile. They were such good foils for one another. The story here was that Studd bet Andre $15,000 dollars that he couldn't slam him, and Andre put up his career to say he could. Seems like Andre puts a pretty low value on his career! Most of the match is spent in corners, as these bears seem more intent on hugging each other and doing the bare minimum, although neither were in the best shape. No bumps allowed! Andre ends up getting the slam for one of your first WrestleMania "moments" and then Bobby manages to grab his money before Andre gives it all away. DUD

Women's Championship: Wendi Richter def. Lelaini Kai (c) (6:14)

Apart from Toni Storm keeping Richter's name alive, the only reason anyone remembers this match is because of Cyndi Lauper (or for you youngsters, Chappell Roan's mum). Women's wrestling was pretty basic in the States around this time, so this isn't anything special, but the celebrity bells and whistles attached to this gives it some extra juice. I genuinely think Lauper was ready to kick Moolah's ass at ringside: it's still real to her, dammit! 3/4*

Hulk Hogan & Mr. T def. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff (13:34)

Your first WrestleMania main event has Muhammad Ali as a special guest enforcer, which is easily the biggest sports crossover WWF pulls off for at least another 14 years. This is what I would call well-managed chaos, as there were a lot of combustible elements here that could have gone wrong (about 15 people at ringside, two referees and a green-as-peas Mr. T) but ultimately came together to make for an entertaining spectacle, which is all this needed to be. In some ways, it's the closest thing we get to an all-out brawl on WWF PPV until the advent of gimmicks like Falls Count Anywhere and Ladder Matches. Fair play to Orndorff here too, as he was quite obviously the only man here willing to get jobbed out (he'd be rewarded with a feud vs. Hogan in 1986). They've had a lot of worse WM main events! ***

Overall

The very first "WrestleMania" is a historic show, if not because of the quality of the card. It's quite interesting how different the presentation feels just two years later at WrestleMania III. At this point in time, WWF feels a lot like any other territory in the NWA, unlike the national sensation it would become when it started elevating the wrestlers' personae, introducing a wider array of gimmicks and generally becoming more colourful and slick in its production.

The production value of this show is actually quite poor, with Lord Alfred Hayes awkwardly connecting different matches and promos together. As for the wrestling, this is quite a basic show. The best match is probably the main event between Hogan / Mr.T and Piper / Orndorff, which feels like a glimmer of the spectacle this show would quickly become. I also enjoyed Ricky Steamboat's performance against Matt Borne and the Tag Team Championship match between Sheik / Volkoff and the U.S. Express. Barry Windham looked like a real star in that bout. If the show rides off the back of its historical significance, that's okay. It lit the fuse that would become WWF's golden generation.

My rating is a balance between the quality of the card and its importance to the industry. It's also not a long show, so passes by fairly quickly and harmlessly. 5/10.

 

[ChristianCaged]

The Wrestling Classic

Date: 7 November 1985
Location: Rosemont Horizon; Rosemont, IL
Commentary: Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse Ventura

There's a lot of stopping between matches so that Vince, Alfred and a deer-in-headlights female celebrity can check the tournament chart and waffle, so you'll forgive me if I eschew those parts and focus on the in-ring action!

Round 1: Adrian Adonis def. Corporal Kirchner (3:21)

Here's Adrian Adonis in his singular WWF PPV appearance before a gimmick more well-known to modern fans. Kirchner was basically a poor version of the Slaughter gimmick (which is still the only wrestling soldier character that ever worked) and basically sucked in the ring. Adonis dispatches him pretty quickly to advance to the quarters. 1/2*

Round 1: The Dynamite Kid def. Nikolai Volkoff (0:08)

Ah, the old banana peel finish, as Nikolai gets distracted belting out the Soviet anthem and Kid takes advantage to win this one double sharp. N/R

Round 1: Randy Savage def. Ivan Putski (2:48)

God damn, Putski is the most jacked grandpa I've ever seen! Savage does his usual routine from this heel era, flaunting and escaping before bumping like a hero whenever he gets the opportunity. Putski was like a sore thumb though, even in the mid-eighties. Fine enough for a sub-three-minute match. *

Round 1: Ricky Steamboat def. Davey Boy Smith via stoppage (2:55)

Vince keeps referring to this as a "scientific match" in the build-up, which is true enough for Steamboat I guess. These guys were actually rolling here early on, as Steamboat's speed complemented Davey's power, but this is cut short by some weird injury angle where Davey hits the ropes and then somehow gets blown up? I guess there were 146 other matches on this show to squeeze in. Dave rated this 3.75 stars (the rating system was new, to be fair)! 3/4*

Round 1: Junkyard Dog def. The Iron Sheik (3:26)

To my great surprise, this wasn't terrible. Sheik actually gets some pretty respectable heat on JYD, applying a camel clutch to earn the vociferous boos of the Chicago crowd, before JYD makes the comeback and finishes with a headbutt. Probably the only match in this round that works better in three minutes. *1/4

Round 1: Moondog Spot def. Terry Funk via count out (0:27)

Ah god damn it, we could have had a sick Terry Funk run in this tournament. Monumentally dumb finish that makes Funk, one of your best heels on the roster at this time, look like a jackass. DUD

Round 1: Tito Santana def. Magnificent Muraco (4:19)

Best match of the tourney so far, as Tito and Muraco had reasonable chemistry with another and this got four whole minutes to actually build to a finish. Muraco thought he had it won with his feet on the ropes, only for Tito to reverse into a small package and move on. Now Tito should have got the babyface run on the night! Oh well. *1/2

Round 1: Paul Orndorff def. Bob Orton via DQ (6:30)

Now this match actually has some import beyond the tournament, as Orndorff turned babyface (for a little while, at least) against Piper and Orton following WrestleMania. As such, this is the best match of the first round, even with Orton's classic non-finish with the cast. Orton was a sneaky underrated heel actually, doing a lot of the simple stuff really well. *3/4

Quarter Final: The Dynamite Kid def. Adrian Adonis (5:27)

Hell yeah, a Dynamite run in the Wrestling Classic! Okay, it was another dopey heel finish with Adonis colliding with Jimmy Hart to lead to a flukey win for the underdog, but this match was pretty good and Adonis was a great bumper, even for a smaller guy. As far as pure athleticism was concerned, nobody could touch Dynamite in this era. **1/4

Quarter Final: Randy Savage def. Ricky Steamboat (3:19)

This is like a cool trailer for their absolute classic a few years later (more on that in another review) and oh boy, these boys were working. As usual, Savage bumps like a madman for Steamboat's high-speed offense and the match becomes this amazing flurry of chaos for a little bit. Then Savage pulls gets the brass knuckles (not a finish I know him for that well) and cheats Steamboat out of the tournament. About as good as you're going to get in this length of time. **1/2

Quarter Final: Junkyard Dog def. Moondog Spot (0:45)

In a bizarre twist, the referee forgets to show up for this one and JYD has to count the fall himself after a headbutt. Two DUDs in two for Spot, by the way! DUD

Quarter Final: Paul Orndorff vs. Tito Santana was fought to a double count out (8:06)

Face vs. face battle, baby! This wasn't too awful, but Orndorff was a bit of a stiff and this lacked the riotous energy of Tito's best matches around this time. There's also no way they were having either of the guys beat either, given their respective positions in 1985, so a shitty count out finish it is to eliminate both men from the tournament. *1/4

WWF Championship: Hulk Hogan (c) def. Roddy Piper via DQ (7:14)

To think, WCW played this back as a main event over a decade later. And then they sort of feuded again in 2003! This is pretty typical of the house show matches they had, where Piper wouldn't job and they had to come up with some non-finish to protect both guys. In this case it's Bob Orton getting involved, following a broadly chaotic match with a big ref bump. The crowd was eating this up like hot chips though. **1/2

Post-match, Orndorff makes the save, as his brotherhood with Hogan strengthens. Oh Hulk, you never learn do you.

Semi-Final: Randy Savage def. The Dynamite Kid (4:52)

This whole show is like a prophecy of WWE Speed, isn't it. Easy match of the night here, as your most athletic, underdog babyface takes on your most athletic heat-seeking coward, which makes for a great dynamic. We even finish with a high spot, as Kid gets the top-rope suplex on Savage, only to get rolled up for a three-count. See, they no sold big moves back in the day too! What I'd have given for five more minutes of this. ***

Someone wins a car. Cool!

Final: Junkyard Dog def. Randy Savage via count out (9:44)

I know everyone loved him, and this was a better option than putting a belt on him or something, but man did JYD *not need* this tournament win. Not that it really mattered Savage lost, anyway. Randy just about drags an acceptable match out of JYD, and even takes a sick bump to the floor for his trouble, but that leads to the count out and JYD takes home the tournament in the most uneventful final I've ever seen. *3/4

Overall

A forerunner, of sorts, to the King of the Ring PPV that would be introduced eight years later, The Wrestling Classic is one-of-a-kind in the sense that it only happened, you know, once. Unlike the next major tournament show WWF would run, which was interminably long and boring, this at least had the grace to move by relatively quickly and had a higher standard of performances overall (even if most of the tournament matches are very short).

The pick of the bunch is Randy Savage vs. Dynamite Kid, which is about as good of a five-minute match as you can probably imagine. Hogan vs. Piper was also decent enough, despite the inevitable the non-finish. This is not a good show overall, to be clear, but I didn't hate it. 4/10.

 

[ChristianCaged]

WrestleMania 2

Date: 7 April 1986
Locations: Nassau Coliseum; Uniondale, NY / Rosemont Horizon; Rosemont, IL / LA Memorial Sports Arena; Los Angeles, CA
Commentary: Vince McMahon & Susan St. James / Gorilla Monsoon, Gene Okerlund & Cathy Lee Crosby / Jesse Ventura, Alfred Hayes & Elvira

Okay, just typing out the locations and commentators for this show has tired me out! WrestleMania was, quite obviously, a successful event, lighting the touchpaper for what would quickly become the WWF's golden era of mainstream success and cultural cache, much of which still exists to this day. Like plenty of movie sequels though, bigger doesn't mean better (if anything, it means worse).

We kick this three-location car crash off in New York, where Vince is joined by Susan St. James. She's an actress, apparently. In her defence, she's comfortably the best of the mostly uniformed celebrities they have commentating across this show, and actually seems pretty into the action. So there's one positive, I guess?

Ray Charles kicks us off with a stirring version of America the Beautiful, its debut at the granddaddy of them all.

Paul Orndorff fought Magnificent Muraco to a double count out (4:10)

My version of this show (Netflix) cuts out Orndorff being at least two flavours of racist before the match, in case you were wondering. I'm not sure what's worse, that or this opener. Without thinking about it too much, I feel pretty certain this is a contender for the worst WM opener of all time. Not that I would expect these guys to have a classic or anything, but this was egregiously awful. To make it even more embarrassing, both guys get counted out, but they cut backstage before the finish can even be announced so nobody (including Vince) has an idea what happened. Nice! DUD

In

tercontinental Championship: Randy Savage (c) def. George Steele (5:10)

Savage is being particularly mean to Elizabeth before this one. I don't think a domestic abuse dynamic would fly these days, as iconic as the Savage/Liz story and relationship from 1985-91 is. George Steele chases Savage around for a lot of this match, so it's not the most action-packed affair. We even get some tomfoolery from Macho, who goes as far as hiding under the ring to get away from the big ape. He even sells for some flowers! In the end, he outsmarts Steele, using the ropes to pin him. A watchable soap opera. *1/2

Don't feel too bad for George, as he treats himself to a second(!) turnbuckle post-match and then terrifies a referee. It's a hard life.

Jake Roberts def. George Wells (3:15)

This is practically a Superstars match on WrestleMania (Wells was a complete jobber), which feels a little cheeky, but the goal here is to get Roberts over as a heel and make him seem all kinds of dangerous. I'm not sure it really achieves that goal, as Wells arguably gets too much in (head-scissors!), but it's a pretty good enhancement match otherwise, and of course George gets to meet Damian after the bell. **

Duelling promos now from Piper and Mr. T, as they prepare to settle the score!

Mr. T def. Roddy Piper via DQ (R4) in a Boxing Match (13:14)

Where to even begin with this. First round goes to Mr. T, but Piper rallies in the second and even knocks T down, giving him a kick for good measure (hey, it's not a *real* boxing match). The most exciting moment comes in the third round, when Piper gets fully yeet-ed out of the ring (although a replay makes this worked punch look a little shitty). Round four is just pure chaos, with a stall being thrown, unprotected punches and a bodyslam from Piper which leads to the DQ. My review makes it sound somewhat interesting, but I promise you, it wasn't. Can't really rate this as it doesn't look anything like a wrestling match until the end. N/R

That's it for New York, and what a shit-sandwich they were served. I genuinely wouldn't open my curtains to watch this portion of the show.

We head to suburban Chicago now for part two, where Gorilla and Gene are joined by another minor celebrity in Cathy Lee Crosby. Fun fact, she once dated Richard Roundtree! Yes, Shaft!

Women's Championship: The Fabulous Moolah (c) def. Velvet McIntyre (1:25)

Moolah briefly came out of retirement around this time. I guess she needed a break from exploiting people. Anyway, this is really bad. Moolah basically eviscerates poor Velvet and then lies on top of her to win the match. Barely a contest. N/R

Corporal Kirchner def. Nikolai Volkoff in a Flag Match (2:05)

So the flags are basically irrelevant here, it's just a normal match. They somehow manage to squeeze a ref bump into two minutes here, which is kind of beast. Kirchner uses Blassie's cane against Niko and that brings us the pin. Well, this is a good start. 1/4*

Andre the Giant won a 20-Man WWF/NFL Battle Royal (9:13)

This is treated like some iconic match (Refrigerator got a HOF induction out of it!) but it's really just an average battle royal with some NFL players. I have to say though, it's not the worst use of celebrities on this show. To be fair to Perry, him pulling Studd over the top rope out of pure pettiness is the type of shithousery I love to see. This is also Bret's WM debut, as he gets the honour of the being the last guy Andre hurls out (literally) to win yet another Battle Royal. N/R

World Tag Team Championships: The British Bulldogs def. The Dream Team (c) (13:03)

Here comes the Bulldogs, with Matilda, Captain Lou and Ozzy Osbourne. Nice! The Dream Team were Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake of course, perhaps the most mismatched team in terms of talent ever. Fortunately for us, Valentine works like 80% of the match for the heel team. No wonder they lost! This is a good, not great, formula tag, with Valentine doing most of the bumping around (when he's not hitting sick piledrivers), and Brutus stepping in occasionally to even the odds. The Bulldogs get the win though through a neat little finish, with Davey battering Valentine's head into Dynamite's to earn a pin fall. Of course Brutus didn't job. ***1/4

At last, something worth watching!

With that, we head over to LA for the final part of the show. Ventura was heeling it up at this point and is joined by Lord Alfred (who he bullies for most of the hour) and Elvira (who is bad but in an almost entertaining way).

Ricky Steamboat def. Hercules Hernandez (7:27)

WM debut here for Herc, who still had his last name at this point. He would go on to be the quintessential monster heel who most of the babyfaces could overcome to make themselves look better. Funnily enough, that's exactly the role he plays here. This is actually a really solid big vs. little man match, as Steamboat is all fire and energy, while Hercules shows off his strength with some pretty impressive power moves. In the end, this was going Steamboat's way as he had all the momentum in the midcard, while Herc was only ever going to be a gatekeeper. A flying crossbody finishes it. **1/2

"Adorable" Adrian Adonis def. Uncle Elmer (3:01)

So Adonis is now decked in pink with blonde hair, as his short-lived, but arguably most famous gimmick, comes to life. He's up against one of the resident hillbilly faces at the time, Uncle Elmer, a wrestler with almost no discernible features beyond being fat. Adonis does his best to bump around and make this guy look good, before getting a surprisingly clean win after taking advantage of Elmer's clumsiness. 1/2*

Terry Funk & Hoss Funk def. Junkyard Dog and Tito Santana (11:42)

The Funk Brothers teaming up in my glorious Fed! In all seriousness, this is a pretty good match, if only because Terry is one of the best agents of chaos in wrestling ever and manages to turn this regular contest into a total brawl wherever he possibly can. This mode suits JYD way more than any match that keeps him between the ropes. We even get a slam on a table outside the ring! As usual around this time, Funk wasn't one to stick around for long, but there was so much potential in his mid-eighties WWF run that they left on the table. Terry bashes JYD over the head with the megaphone and that seals it. ***

We then get a flashback to one of the very first big in-ring angles on Saturday Night's Main Event, as King Kong Bundy and Muraco combine to destroy Hogan, Bundy sending him to the hospital with a series of avalanches and splashes. Heat!

WWF Championship: Hulk Hogan (c) def. King Kong Bundy in a Steel Cage Match (11:00)

Fun fact, this is the last cage match on WWF PPV until 1990! Hogan comes out all taped up around his ribs, which Bundy promptly tears off as we launch into the usual Hogan vs. monster formula. It wasn't totally run into the ground at this point, I suppose. This isn't a great WM main event (it's lower tier for sure), but there's been far worse. Bundy even gets some nice colour after a collision with the cage, which gives Hogan the impetus to get back into the match. Then Bundy takes control again and hits the avalanche, but it's time to HULK UP and go home as Hogan slams him and promptly escapes (despite Heenan's meddling) to retain the belt. Not too bad. **1/4

Before we get the first classic Hulk celebration, Heenan gets his just desserts as Hogan launches him around the ring, before hurling him out the cage to receive the adulation of the fans. I hate Hogan as much as the next guy, but there's still a thrill to hearing the song play and the fans go wild for him.

Overall

On paper, this card isn't any worse than WrestleMania the previous year (in fact, it's probably slightly better), but the three-act structure, and the fact that the first half of the show is so terrible, just totals it. There's also the fragmented commentary and a lot of production flubs to put up with. Most importantly though, this doesn't have the luxury of being the first WrestleMania, so it doesn't get any points for historical value.
2/10.

 

[Sky]

Just a heads up, black text breaks this thread for people like me who use dark mode. If you want to remove text colour you have to use the little eraser in the bottom right here