This is going to be a short NSZ as I am having computer problems. This week we have Stu Finer, my professional handicapper, picking his winners and losers for Unforgiven. Some may shock you, some may not, but as long as you use these picks, you can become a rich man OVER NIGHT!
Pick #1: Michelle McCool over Maryse
Someone let the peroxide leak all over these two because Stuie guarantees you that the curtains don’t match the carpet here! AND WHO REALLY CARES!? Not me, I love fake stuff, especially my 19 yo girlfriends fake ta-tas. But onto the pick. If you look at it scientifically, Michelle really has the advantage in the match. And I’m not talking about her banging her way to the top, or her actually learning how to do moves from the same guy she banged to get to the top. No, I’m talking actual stats, Stu Finers patented and 100% GUARANTEED INFO. Come this Sunday, at Unforgiven, this will be Michelle McCools first big title defense ever. And this Sunday will be what? The FIRST Sunday of the month. Women champions in their first big title defense on the first Sabbath of the month are 542-9 all time in the WWE. Lay down your money on this one faster than Michelle lays down for big daddy Taker!
Pick # 2: Simply Priceless over Cryme Tyme
It’s going down! IT’S A RACE WAR IN THE WWE!! It’s The Bronx vs. Manhattan, Detroit vs. Grand Rapids, and Chicago vs…..well pretty much all of Illinois SUCKS but you catch my drift! This is class warfare in the WWE, black vs. white. Now recently, my brutha’s from different mutha’s in the WWE have been doing quite well for themselves. In fact, one could make the argument that this is the most prosperous time for people of color in the WWE. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER! Cody and Teddy have the advantage here because of one word, EXPERIENCE. I can hear all of you saying “well haven’t Cryme Tyme been around longer? In the wrestling world as well as the real world?†YEAH I KNOW ALL THAT! But wrestling is IN THEIR BLOOD! They were in the wombs of their mothers wrestling with little bursa sacks of placenta, THEY have the experience and THEY are winning it. Lay the money down on Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiasie Jr!
Pick #3: The ECW Championship Scramble
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said at the Crimera conference in 1945, “Never have so many people come together when most people could care less…†(old chap). But you know the best part about the fact that no one cares? YOU CAN MAKE A TON OF MONEY! That’s right, your man might not even know who is in this match and pick the big ape Mark Henry because he thinks Mark is a sure thing. Well let him do that. And then when you win a chunk of cash, you can invite him over to your house and say “Do you like this? Well, you paid for it!†That’s right, cook him up a big juicy steak and it will taste BITTER in his mouth. But first, you gotta play the odds right. Mark Henry is a paper champion who was nothing but in the right place at the right time. The only REAL contest he could win is an eating contest! And The Miz, that chump-monkey cant do anything but be an annoying Ryan Seacrest look-alike. Chavo Guerrero, who’s last name really doesn’t mean “warrior†(it actually means JOBBER) has as much a chance of winning as YOU have scoring with Sarah Palin. That leaves the fighting Irishman vs. the young stallion. Now I don’t want to come out and say that Finlay is old, fat, and useless, and that his son is the bastard offspring of Vern Troyer a midget porn actress, but, I just did! That’s right folks, Matt Hardy, mister V1, mister Mattitude, mister, don’t bang my girlfriend if you’re name is Adam, is ready to step up and win this one. And here’s why. Matt is coming off a huge victory. Not in the ring, no no. Matt Hardy has recently won the “Myspace’s Whiniest Douchebag†Award for 2008. Former winners of this include the newest WWE hire R-Truth. People who are whiny douchebags on myspace have a 97.42% chance of winning their next title match. This trend started in 1975. A little known wrestler named Ric Flair was on the precurser to myspace called “The Bathroom Wall†when he gave out the number of a woman who gave him syphilis. THE NEXT DAY, he became USWJPWFA Champion! And THAT is a stone cold fact! So pony up the cash, Matt Hardy takes this one DEEEEEEP.
Now for pick 4. This one is my ***** Meltzerfied LOCK of the week! If you do not get down on this pick, you will be ripping your own eyeballs out, and shoving them in your back pockets, so you can watch yourself kick your own ass! Shawn Michaels is on the verge of becoming the broken horse after a horse race. He is ONE MATCH away from having Arn Anderson come out from the back and put a slug into his head after he loses. It’s just one thing after another. Concussions, leg injuries, back injuries, and LOSING HIS SMILE. HBK is a train wreck waiting to happen. And that locomotive’s name? CHRIS JERICHO! That’s right baby, the REAL Canadian Destoryer, and we all know how Shawn feels about Canadians don’t we?! Plus, do not forget how Shawn does in these “mirror matchesâ€, IE facing guys of similar build, look, and moveset, he is an abysmal 3,901-2. Look, the bottom line is, you cant…argue….logic. And that’s it right there. Chris Jericho will put this pony down at Unforgiven!
Pick #5: The Smackdown Scramble
When a man named Levesque is involved in a match, you do not bet against him, that is a cardinal rule of this game. WELL GUESS WHAT, Stu Finer doesn’t follow rules. That’s right, I defy the “rules†of gambling to stick it right in your mans face. Right now, HHH is the heavy favorite on the board right now in Vegas. But as soon as this gem hits, that is going to change! My number one researcher, Vinnie the Nose told me he knows a guy who heard it from another guy who used to be the cousin of the girl friend of Paul’s steroid supplier, who was recently killed by a sledgehammer. He told me HHH is out of steroids and is primed and ready to drop that belt! Now granted, he doesn’t have the stiffest competition, but there is one man who has the best chance of being him, and that man, Shelton Benjamin. That’s right, the black Sinead O’Conor is in a prime position to kick ass and take names. MVP is in the doghouse for wagging his wang in front of Linda McMahon, Jeff Hardy cant score anything but drugs, and “The Brian Kendrick†is just a loser. REALLY? YOUR NAME IS “The?†Guess what, you arent a crappy mainstream/semicollege rock band from the early 2000s. Adding T-H-E to your name doesn’t do anything but make you look like an asshat! Shelton has everything it takes to win, including blonde hair. Black men, with blonde hair coming into events against a reigning champ named Paul are an astounding 438-4. If you want gold, BET ON BENJAMIN!
Pick #6: The Raw Scramble
This one is a little bit difficult for Stu to get into. This is because, its like a convergence of astronomical events. All of these guys are heavies, all of these guys are contenders, and all of these guys are championship material. This is a clash of titans that hasn’t been seen since Packman Jones got into a fight with Vince Young over whose bling was the biggest. But fear not, you have the Stuie index. Forget the SP 500 and forget the NASDAC, STU has got what you need! He has the inside scoop. Let me tell you about CM Punk, CM Punk is not as straight edge as he’d have you believe. In a rare photo, so rare that I cant even show you, CM Punk was shown injecting something into himself after Summerslam when he got himself busted open by the New York redneck JBL. My sources tell me that it was NOT a painkiller, it was NOT children’s Tylenol, it was HEROIN, from the high quality stash of the Reid family. And here is the inside stat, fake straight edgers, with more than 10 tattoos, who receive drugs from the sons of an NFL coach have won 837 matches IN A ROW. That’s right, IN A ROW. And that’s what CM Punk has going on his side. He’s sucking them in, like you suck your man in, and come this Sunday, HE IS GONNA POUNCE!!! WOOO WOOO WOOO!!! So there you have it, take those picks, take them to your man, and then take your man to the gutter and DROP HIM DOWN THERE FACE FIRST!!!
Pick #1: Michelle McCool over Maryse
Someone let the peroxide leak all over these two because Stuie guarantees you that the curtains don’t match the carpet here! AND WHO REALLY CARES!? Not me, I love fake stuff, especially my 19 yo girlfriends fake ta-tas. But onto the pick. If you look at it scientifically, Michelle really has the advantage in the match. And I’m not talking about her banging her way to the top, or her actually learning how to do moves from the same guy she banged to get to the top. No, I’m talking actual stats, Stu Finers patented and 100% GUARANTEED INFO. Come this Sunday, at Unforgiven, this will be Michelle McCools first big title defense ever. And this Sunday will be what? The FIRST Sunday of the month. Women champions in their first big title defense on the first Sabbath of the month are 542-9 all time in the WWE. Lay down your money on this one faster than Michelle lays down for big daddy Taker!
Pick # 2: Simply Priceless over Cryme Tyme
It’s going down! IT’S A RACE WAR IN THE WWE!! It’s The Bronx vs. Manhattan, Detroit vs. Grand Rapids, and Chicago vs…..well pretty much all of Illinois SUCKS but you catch my drift! This is class warfare in the WWE, black vs. white. Now recently, my brutha’s from different mutha’s in the WWE have been doing quite well for themselves. In fact, one could make the argument that this is the most prosperous time for people of color in the WWE. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER! Cody and Teddy have the advantage here because of one word, EXPERIENCE. I can hear all of you saying “well haven’t Cryme Tyme been around longer? In the wrestling world as well as the real world?†YEAH I KNOW ALL THAT! But wrestling is IN THEIR BLOOD! They were in the wombs of their mothers wrestling with little bursa sacks of placenta, THEY have the experience and THEY are winning it. Lay the money down on Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiasie Jr!
Pick #3: The ECW Championship Scramble
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said at the Crimera conference in 1945, “Never have so many people come together when most people could care less…†(old chap). But you know the best part about the fact that no one cares? YOU CAN MAKE A TON OF MONEY! That’s right, your man might not even know who is in this match and pick the big ape Mark Henry because he thinks Mark is a sure thing. Well let him do that. And then when you win a chunk of cash, you can invite him over to your house and say “Do you like this? Well, you paid for it!†That’s right, cook him up a big juicy steak and it will taste BITTER in his mouth. But first, you gotta play the odds right. Mark Henry is a paper champion who was nothing but in the right place at the right time. The only REAL contest he could win is an eating contest! And The Miz, that chump-monkey cant do anything but be an annoying Ryan Seacrest look-alike. Chavo Guerrero, who’s last name really doesn’t mean “warrior†(it actually means JOBBER) has as much a chance of winning as YOU have scoring with Sarah Palin. That leaves the fighting Irishman vs. the young stallion. Now I don’t want to come out and say that Finlay is old, fat, and useless, and that his son is the bastard offspring of Vern Troyer a midget porn actress, but, I just did! That’s right folks, Matt Hardy, mister V1, mister Mattitude, mister, don’t bang my girlfriend if you’re name is Adam, is ready to step up and win this one. And here’s why. Matt is coming off a huge victory. Not in the ring, no no. Matt Hardy has recently won the “Myspace’s Whiniest Douchebag†Award for 2008. Former winners of this include the newest WWE hire R-Truth. People who are whiny douchebags on myspace have a 97.42% chance of winning their next title match. This trend started in 1975. A little known wrestler named Ric Flair was on the precurser to myspace called “The Bathroom Wall†when he gave out the number of a woman who gave him syphilis. THE NEXT DAY, he became USWJPWFA Champion! And THAT is a stone cold fact! So pony up the cash, Matt Hardy takes this one DEEEEEEP.
Now for pick 4. This one is my ***** Meltzerfied LOCK of the week! If you do not get down on this pick, you will be ripping your own eyeballs out, and shoving them in your back pockets, so you can watch yourself kick your own ass! Shawn Michaels is on the verge of becoming the broken horse after a horse race. He is ONE MATCH away from having Arn Anderson come out from the back and put a slug into his head after he loses. It’s just one thing after another. Concussions, leg injuries, back injuries, and LOSING HIS SMILE. HBK is a train wreck waiting to happen. And that locomotive’s name? CHRIS JERICHO! That’s right baby, the REAL Canadian Destoryer, and we all know how Shawn feels about Canadians don’t we?! Plus, do not forget how Shawn does in these “mirror matchesâ€, IE facing guys of similar build, look, and moveset, he is an abysmal 3,901-2. Look, the bottom line is, you cant…argue….logic. And that’s it right there. Chris Jericho will put this pony down at Unforgiven!
Pick #5: The Smackdown Scramble
When a man named Levesque is involved in a match, you do not bet against him, that is a cardinal rule of this game. WELL GUESS WHAT, Stu Finer doesn’t follow rules. That’s right, I defy the “rules†of gambling to stick it right in your mans face. Right now, HHH is the heavy favorite on the board right now in Vegas. But as soon as this gem hits, that is going to change! My number one researcher, Vinnie the Nose told me he knows a guy who heard it from another guy who used to be the cousin of the girl friend of Paul’s steroid supplier, who was recently killed by a sledgehammer. He told me HHH is out of steroids and is primed and ready to drop that belt! Now granted, he doesn’t have the stiffest competition, but there is one man who has the best chance of being him, and that man, Shelton Benjamin. That’s right, the black Sinead O’Conor is in a prime position to kick ass and take names. MVP is in the doghouse for wagging his wang in front of Linda McMahon, Jeff Hardy cant score anything but drugs, and “The Brian Kendrick†is just a loser. REALLY? YOUR NAME IS “The?†Guess what, you arent a crappy mainstream/semicollege rock band from the early 2000s. Adding T-H-E to your name doesn’t do anything but make you look like an asshat! Shelton has everything it takes to win, including blonde hair. Black men, with blonde hair coming into events against a reigning champ named Paul are an astounding 438-4. If you want gold, BET ON BENJAMIN!
Pick #6: The Raw Scramble
This one is a little bit difficult for Stu to get into. This is because, its like a convergence of astronomical events. All of these guys are heavies, all of these guys are contenders, and all of these guys are championship material. This is a clash of titans that hasn’t been seen since Packman Jones got into a fight with Vince Young over whose bling was the biggest. But fear not, you have the Stuie index. Forget the SP 500 and forget the NASDAC, STU has got what you need! He has the inside scoop. Let me tell you about CM Punk, CM Punk is not as straight edge as he’d have you believe. In a rare photo, so rare that I cant even show you, CM Punk was shown injecting something into himself after Summerslam when he got himself busted open by the New York redneck JBL. My sources tell me that it was NOT a painkiller, it was NOT children’s Tylenol, it was HEROIN, from the high quality stash of the Reid family. And here is the inside stat, fake straight edgers, with more than 10 tattoos, who receive drugs from the sons of an NFL coach have won 837 matches IN A ROW. That’s right, IN A ROW. And that’s what CM Punk has going on his side. He’s sucking them in, like you suck your man in, and come this Sunday, HE IS GONNA POUNCE!!! WOOO WOOO WOOO!!! So there you have it, take those picks, take them to your man, and then take your man to the gutter and DROP HIM DOWN THERE FACE FIRST!!!
