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I'm taking Intro to Screenwriting this semester and I've never really written a script aside from the WWEF Movie thread, which is really just a joke. So I wanted to get some opinions on my first real one. It's an assignment, so the "stuck in an elevator" scenario is what I had to work with, not what I chose. Anyway here it is. I'm really interested in feedback, since I'm a terrible writer. I aimed for comedy
FADE IN:
INT. ELEVATOR/IRS BUILDING - DAY
JANET, 37, walks into an old elevator with a load of folders. She carefully pushes the button for the top floor without dropping her papers. Just before the doors close DUNCAN, 23, sticks his hands through the door and pushes them as he were moving them, although the doors have a censor.
DUNCAN
Score one for “The D”, zero for the elevator.
Janet give Duncan a confused stare, but stares away from him and looks at her folders.
Duncan takes his place to the left of Janet and glances to see if she had taken notice. When he glances he makes a disgusted expression at her semi wrinkled face
DUNCAN (CONT’D)
Eww.
JANET
What did you say?
DUNCAN
I didn’t say anything.
Duncan pushes the button for the top button even though it’s already been pushed. The elevator doors close as DUNCAN and JANET now stand in an awkward silence.
As the elevator starts moves up DUNCAN begins to stare at his reflection in the shiny metal doors, making alluring faces at it. Janet sees this and take a few slow steps away from Duncan.
The lights in elevator flicker on and off, until the power cuts off. Duncan who was in the middle of admiring himself is stopped by sudden darkness
DUNCAN (CONT’D)
Hey!
The elevator comes to an immediate halt. JANET stumbles and all of her paperwork falls to the floor.
JANET
Aww darn!
DUNCAN
You okay?
JANET
Yeah I’m alright.
JANET reaches blindly for her scattered papers across the elevator floor.
JANET (CONT’D)
Do you have a light?
DUNCAN
You’re not suppose to smoke in an elevator.
Duncan shakes his head in disappointment at the woman.
JANET
That’s not what I- never mind.
Janet reaches inside of her pocket and pulls out her cell phone. Janet turns on the phone to reveal a Justin Beiber background that lights up the elevator floor She picks up her scattered papers and places them back in their folders.
Janet shines the light on Duncan to get a look at him, but the phone’s backlight is to dim for Janet to make out his appearance. She pushes the phone close to Duncan to make out his face.
DUNCAN
Get that pussy away from me! What the hell’s wrong with you?
Duncan, bothered at the sight of a shirtless Justin Beiber background, slaps the phone out of Janet’s hand and it breaks on the floor.
JANET
My phone! Why’d you have to be a dum- a big poopy head!
DUNCAN
Poopy head?
Duncan laughs at the woman as they now both stand in darkness.
JANET
It’s not funny! Justin Beiber was our only light and you killed him!
DUNCAN
Relax babe, when we get out of this I’ll let you take a picture with The D.
JANET
One, what the flapjack is “The D”? Two, my phone is broken, so I won’t be taking any pictures and three, now I can’t call someone to get us out of this box
DUNCAN
Oh yeah... Don’t worry, The D got this.
Janet flails her arms around in anger as she struggles to find the words to say to Duncan
JANET
What the franken flying flooburger is “The D”?!
DUNCAN
I’m The D, duh! Duncan Watts in the house! Yeah!
Duncan pumps his arms in the air and then waves them like he doesn’t care.
DUNCAN (CONT’D)
I bet you’re pleased to meet me. Can’t blame ya.
Janet slaps her forehead with her hand. Duncan begins to climb on top of the railing.
JANET
What are you doing?
DUNCAN
I’m sure there’s like a hatch or something in here. Then I’ll just get out and climb the rope to the top floor, no sweat.
JANET
Are you serious?
DUNCAN
Yeah.
Duncan now stand on the railing, balancing himself as he searches for a hatch.
JANET
That’s stupid.
Janet begins to search for the emergency button.
DUNCAN
You don’t know what you’re talking about I’ve seen this in “Mission Impossible” a billion times... or was that “The Mighty Ducks”
A sudden sharp ringing noise fills the elevator as Janet finds the emergency button. Duncan is startled and loses his balance on the railing, falling to the floor.
Duncan’s weight causes the elevator to fall. Janet loses her balance, but stays up by holding the railing and dropping her folders again.
The elevator hits the first floor from a distance of three feet from where it was.
DUNCAN (CONT’D)
Ow, my ass!
JANET
You see what you did!
DUNCAN
It wasn’t my fault, it was probably that button you pushed!
JANET
Jeez! I couldn’t have gotten stuck in an elevator with anyone else?! Hell I would’ve settled for Bruno Mars.
Duncan hammers the floor with his fist and gets up.
DUNCAN
Fuck Bruno Mars, I’m a man!
Duncan pries open the elevator doors. Bystanders in the first floor lobby look at him oddly as he exits the elevator, leaving Janet with a mess of papers and a broken phone.
INT. ELEVATOR/IRS BUILDING - DAY
JANET, 37, walks into an old elevator with a load of folders. She carefully pushes the button for the top floor without dropping her papers. Just before the doors close DUNCAN, 23, sticks his hands through the door and pushes them as he were moving them, although the doors have a censor.
DUNCAN
Score one for “The D”, zero for the elevator.
Janet give Duncan a confused stare, but stares away from him and looks at her folders.
Duncan takes his place to the left of Janet and glances to see if she had taken notice. When he glances he makes a disgusted expression at her semi wrinkled face
DUNCAN (CONT’D)
Eww.
JANET
What did you say?
DUNCAN
I didn’t say anything.
Duncan pushes the button for the top button even though it’s already been pushed. The elevator doors close as DUNCAN and JANET now stand in an awkward silence.
As the elevator starts moves up DUNCAN begins to stare at his reflection in the shiny metal doors, making alluring faces at it. Janet sees this and take a few slow steps away from Duncan.
The lights in elevator flicker on and off, until the power cuts off. Duncan who was in the middle of admiring himself is stopped by sudden darkness
DUNCAN (CONT’D)
Hey!
The elevator comes to an immediate halt. JANET stumbles and all of her paperwork falls to the floor.
JANET
Aww darn!
DUNCAN
You okay?
JANET
Yeah I’m alright.
JANET reaches blindly for her scattered papers across the elevator floor.
JANET (CONT’D)
Do you have a light?
DUNCAN
You’re not suppose to smoke in an elevator.
Duncan shakes his head in disappointment at the woman.
JANET
That’s not what I- never mind.
Janet reaches inside of her pocket and pulls out her cell phone. Janet turns on the phone to reveal a Justin Beiber background that lights up the elevator floor She picks up her scattered papers and places them back in their folders.
Janet shines the light on Duncan to get a look at him, but the phone’s backlight is to dim for Janet to make out his appearance. She pushes the phone close to Duncan to make out his face.
DUNCAN
Get that pussy away from me! What the hell’s wrong with you?
Duncan, bothered at the sight of a shirtless Justin Beiber background, slaps the phone out of Janet’s hand and it breaks on the floor.
JANET
My phone! Why’d you have to be a dum- a big poopy head!
DUNCAN
Poopy head?
Duncan laughs at the woman as they now both stand in darkness.
JANET
It’s not funny! Justin Beiber was our only light and you killed him!
DUNCAN
Relax babe, when we get out of this I’ll let you take a picture with The D.
JANET
One, what the flapjack is “The D”? Two, my phone is broken, so I won’t be taking any pictures and three, now I can’t call someone to get us out of this box
DUNCAN
Oh yeah... Don’t worry, The D got this.
Janet flails her arms around in anger as she struggles to find the words to say to Duncan
JANET
What the franken flying flooburger is “The D”?!
DUNCAN
I’m The D, duh! Duncan Watts in the house! Yeah!
Duncan pumps his arms in the air and then waves them like he doesn’t care.
DUNCAN (CONT’D)
I bet you’re pleased to meet me. Can’t blame ya.
Janet slaps her forehead with her hand. Duncan begins to climb on top of the railing.
JANET
What are you doing?
DUNCAN
I’m sure there’s like a hatch or something in here. Then I’ll just get out and climb the rope to the top floor, no sweat.
JANET
Are you serious?
DUNCAN
Yeah.
Duncan now stand on the railing, balancing himself as he searches for a hatch.
JANET
That’s stupid.
Janet begins to search for the emergency button.
DUNCAN
You don’t know what you’re talking about I’ve seen this in “Mission Impossible” a billion times... or was that “The Mighty Ducks”
A sudden sharp ringing noise fills the elevator as Janet finds the emergency button. Duncan is startled and loses his balance on the railing, falling to the floor.
Duncan’s weight causes the elevator to fall. Janet loses her balance, but stays up by holding the railing and dropping her folders again.
The elevator hits the first floor from a distance of three feet from where it was.
DUNCAN (CONT’D)
Ow, my ass!
JANET
You see what you did!
DUNCAN
It wasn’t my fault, it was probably that button you pushed!
JANET
Jeez! I couldn’t have gotten stuck in an elevator with anyone else?! Hell I would’ve settled for Bruno Mars.
Duncan hammers the floor with his fist and gets up.
DUNCAN
Fuck Bruno Mars, I’m a man!
Duncan pries open the elevator doors. Bystanders in the first floor lobby look at him oddly as he exits the elevator, leaving Janet with a mess of papers and a broken phone.
