Master reviews and reacts to movies

[The Gipper]

PART ONE: EMOJI MOVIE​

Ladies and Gentleman, my name is The Reagmaster/Nicole Haze/Geek772/Just Kevin/stonecoldsamadams/TheFrostyBlur/Reag Master Yoda/The Lokimaster/The Wellsmaster/the guy that literally copied these names from my profile. WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY NAMES/Mc’Lovin. Because turns out I look like the guy? I don’t know…. introduction went nicely only 41 words to say my own freaking name. Got it anyway so because I don’t have enough projects to work on with RWK. And doing reviews for wrestling shows when Jacob falls asleep or is very heavily drunk or just doesn’t want to because…. *shrugs* And being a GFX guy. And Cat-hater. And Impersonator. I feel like this entire first paragraph is just me listing basic stuff about me. huh.

So I thought why not add another one to that list? So this is gonna be a kinda movie review thing. I will add notes while I’m watching it of course. Hence there’s “reaction” in the title. Y’know what? Don’t want to do the explanation so deal with it. You’ll find out as I go along with the first movie which is the Emoji Movie.

Synopsis: This animated comedy takes place in Textopolis, a world inside a smartphone that's inhabited by various emojis. There, an emoji named Gene (voiced by T.J. Miller) is ashamed that he has multiple facial expressions while his colleagues only have one each, and he embarks on a quest to be like everyone else. James Corden, Anna Faris, Jennifer Coolidge, Patrick Stewart, and Maya Rudolph also lend their voices to this film from Sony Pictures Animation.

Emoji Movie. The movie I swore to myself I wasn’t gonna see because of the fact that it’s just a film so Sony Entertainment can get money. But I am because… Jacksfilms got me into the hype dammit. So as much as its been said as the worst movie ever which I will never agree with as long as the birdemic movies are a thing, I will still watch it and the worst thing that can happen is I might laugh at how bad this film is. Okay….please help me, lets do this.

Spoiler: THE REACTION

T

Ah shit, I didn’t realise this was a hotel Transylvania short before this. Is that what’s it called? Don’t know. I didn’t even know the daughter of the vampire & the hipster kid had a baby….So Vampires still now have a dog. A massive dog. And a family of skeletons check into the hotel. I like this. That’s good.

Anyway onto the actual movie.

Okay, so theres the kid….who has a crush on a girl. Who texts him. This never happened to me in high school. Never. Hell, phones weren’t even allowed during breaks unless you were staff or 6th form. There was also the rule about you can’t wear coats inside. They don’t care that it’s pouring down with rain, you had to take your coat off BEFORE you got inside. It was very strict.

Another thing, I don’t understand why people get way too nervous infront of their crush in school in tvs. I never had that problem. I just talked to them like they were any other normal friend. But then again, probably explains why I’ve been friendzoned way too much. Probably. I’m talking too much about my high school in this, I feel like.

Okay as we get introduced to the world of the emoji, I have to say that this animation is great. It’s very vibrant.

Oh and there’s Patrick Stewart voicing Poop…..He went from Logan to this. Okie dokie.

Why does this smiler character remind me of the unicorn from the Lego Movie? I dislike that.

I forgot James Corden was in this movie. I love League of Their Own and Corden’s talk show so atleast he’s getting some movie roles. Don’t talk to me about that stupid musical into the woods!

Already can tell those parents are gonna be very annoying to me..

This kid is on his phone infront of class with the book down? How is he not getting caught before he sends the text message? And how is a meh emoji a good thing to send to a girl for the first text message to her! The Thumbs up part atleast made sense!

And of course, he messes up the emoji and now the entire cube…..why would you not jump off onto a person again?

It’s bad when you find out what’s gonna be the lesson at the start of the movie. Oh. Be different! Don’t be the same as everyone else. Not the first time this has happened in a movie, gotta say.

Okay Gene’s dad is a dick.

Yea…the Smiller is like the unicorn but the villain version. Cranked to 20.

Did we just find wild style of the emoji movie in highfive.

Textopolis…..could be worse.

“Talk to the hand, red wagon.” “But…I am talking to the hand” Okay that got me. dammit. I'm ashamed.

Wechat? I never heard of this app. And I don’t like it

And there’s a facebook app. Which you could get confused with for the tumblr app. Because popularity is “key”

Is it bad that this is the first time that I’ve heard of a skin? I was taught this by the emoji movie. Wow.

….Okay we found the Wild Style! She’s called jailbreak and what are the odds that shes gonna end up being the princess that they keep talking about?

Well atleast the trolls got obliterated by the bots in this movie. I like it.

And we’re in the candy crush saga. As a person who played Candy Crazy Saga once. I am slightly entertained.

And meanwhile the kid continues to be awkward to the girl and the candy crush app makes noises which messes up the poor kid’s game completely. Get it? Game? Ha.

And Greg dies again. I mean Gene. One of them two. Okay, this is the second time this movie has disappointed me by almost killing Gene but not actually killing him. I feel robbed.

OMG He’s fat! Oh now, nope, just squished against the glass. Funny. Not.

…We were given the map and I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE JUST DANCE APP! PLEASE NO! I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! I WILL KICK AND SCREAM DAMMIT! Nooooooooooooooooooo!

We’re 40 minutes in….half way through. I can do this.

Oooh a yotube app. And we’re treated to Pen Pineapple Apple Pen. I hate this. Also I don’t think that’s the name. Also we’re doing a break up then getting back together story. With Gene's parents. Why is this a thing? WHY?

OH NO WE’VE GOT THE JUST DANCE APP! I DON’T LIKE THIS! AHHHHHH! AS A STREET DANCEER I DON’T LIKE THIS! Wait…the song is Wake me up? I love that song and it’s ruined now. WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO. DONT LEAVE ME HANGING ON LIKE A YOYO. Awh...too bad i can't sing that now.

No the break dancing part! As the experienced dancer, me no like it.

ALSO I GOT IT PERFECTLY! Of course she’s the princess.

Well atleast the kid deletes the Just Dance app… that’s good. We also lose High Five. Well James Corden gets peace.

So….the dropbox app is right there. And they go to get the guy who they’ve known for how long?! REASONS PLEASE?!

Oh no….we’re going into the spotify app. Save me.

So the mega robot is created…or the frankenbot. I’m calling it now.

Too many overrated songs in these scene. From cheerleader to watch me whip. ALL OF THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

….Hate the fact that the Emoji movies are teaching me stuff about phones. Truly hate it.

Trolls are almost set free but Highfive pulls a dickmove.

Instragram…. which must have a 360 feature according to this film. Nobody told me that. Why did nobody tell me that?

Also turns out…the dad has many emoticans like gene. Okay then, I guess that was very much needed. Would have had more impact if he said it to gene but whatever.

FRANKENBOT ATTACKS! WOOOO! KILL EM!

And they escape into the dropbox….So many apps. I don’t keep track.

And we get to the Firewall which Wild Style can’t get through, So it starts a “hilarious” montage of Gene messing up and he can’t get through until highfive brings up the name of The boy’s crush who is revealed to be Abbie because of a message that Highfive found in the trash that literally quotes the lyrics of the chorus….of you’ll never guess what, Rihanna’s song which is called Diamonds. I mean atleast they didn’t sing it?

So they get through into the Cloud. It’s clear that the meh emoji ain’t gonna become a meh emoji though. Meh

Also Jailbreak friendzones Gene! Because she a sassy emoji who don’t need another emoji! Mhmmmmmmmmmmm! *snaps fingers* Also Gene gets kidnapped by the Frankenbot. So that happens.

Also side note all of the character development done by Jailbreak is conquered by the fact that she does literally whistle and a twitter bird comes and picks them all. She's hated on the stereotypes on princess that they can supposedly do that But they can. *sigh*

So Jail break, Hand and Gene’s parents return and save Gene! But it’s too late as literally everything is getting deleted. But they can send one more text and instead of the dad who can also do every expression, everyone forgets that because Gene’s the main character but he’s now stuck on meh because….friendzones are painful. So now everyones getting deleted but now Gene sends the last text as everything as a emoji. And everything gets restored because unplug phones….well then.

So now kid is supposed to forget all of the glitches? For real? I want this movie to end please. And wildstyle gets the scanner person because why not? Highfives suddenly on the top block because movie ending. And everyones happy as we roll to credits.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Ironically, the dominant emotion one feels watching The Emoji Movie really would be ‘Meh.’ While for some reason my niece and nephew loved this movie, because they like bright things. And very creepy yellow faces.

That is literally only a face, a mother could love. Or a mother could meh about. It’s scary once you stare at it.

But yeah, It is a bad movie and will turn children’s brains into Patrick Stewart’s character. Yea, I bet ya I'm not the first reviewer to do that joke and I won't be the last. Nothing stands out in The Emoji Movie as particularly creative, imaginative or interesting. The plot is formulaic and predictable, and the script is not funny enough to hold one's attention. Run from it.

Anyway.....suggest movies, I should do next. Yea.

 

[Solid Snake]

Do "Pledge This!" next.

 

[The Gipper]

Do "Pledge This!" next.

*watches trailer*

.....Do you really hate me this much?

 

[Solid Snake]

*watches trailer*

.....Do you really hate me this much?

I googled worst movies, and picked it from a list when I seen Paris Hilton on the cover. Never heard of it in my life.

 

[The Gipper]

I googled worst movies, and picked it from a list when I seen Paris Hilton on the cover. Never heard of it in my life.

....its this,

 

[Solid Snake]

....its this,

If I mute it, I can almost mistake it for an STD commercial.

 

[Solid Snake]

Okay... Then what about Warcraft (the movie)?

 

[Mike Thunder]

Do Superbad next.

 

[The Gipper]

Do Superbad next.

I'll do Superbad in like two weeks. Promise.

PART TWO: Warcraft: The Beginning
​

So I was actually planning to do the Pledge this movie because reasons. Then Snake quickly changed her mind and wanted me to do Warcraft….I escaped the bullet. Into another bullet. Ouch. So I am here with my Warcraft on the tv and sausage rolls on my plate. I’ve realised that I might do this weekly. Maybe. Depends. On whether I want to or not. Hmmmmm. But also I will be away and only have moderate dvds on me so I do have three choices for you to choose from of what to pick for the movie, I review next week. Dark Knight, Wreck It Ralph or Avengers: Age Of Ultron. You can still suggest whatever movies you want me to watch and I’ll add it to the mighty list to do after Thunder’s superbad….plz no pledge this. Plz.

SYNOPSIS: As an Orc horde invades the planet Azeroth using a magic portal, a few human heroes and dissenting Orcs must attempt to stop the true evil behind this war. Also inspired by the game “World of Warcraft

As a person who has never played world of Warcraft…this is gonna be interesting.

Spoiler: THE REACTION

AND IT STARTS OFF WITH DRAMATIC MUSIC AND I LIKE IT

And it stops and we get dessert followed by a expository monologue. Feel like this small orc versus human battle would have been better with dramatic music then afterwards we go into the monologue.

Wow, this is great CGI. They actually look real. Feel like the starting notion of every movie I do, will be “good special effects” or “good animation” so get ready for that

Okay, we found the villain! That was quick. And he didn’t save a kid. Ouch. So now the magic villain guy suddenly kills every single jailor they have to bring the most powerful warriors over to the humans, I’m presuming? Okay then.

So there’s a woman who’s pregnant who goes through the portal thing. And now evil guy delievers a baby. Well then. So now there’s a random baby among warriors. Interesting intro to say the least.Very intreresting.

So the human is introduced to a boomstick which is some kind of exploding gun.Then they find out that someone’s town has been attacked by someone. Doesn't say who.

We cut to some barracks…oh boy this is gonna be confusing. So the boy presses his fingers into the deadmans mouth in a very very unsexual way. Very unsexual.

The woman in the flower dress from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D is in this?! Wooo! And she’s the Queen of a place, not bad.

And we have a horse-llama with wings as a vehicle. That probably means something in World Of Warcraft. It doesn’t to me.

SO we back to killing people and It’s been 15 minutes and I can’t keep up because we’ve went to 4 different places. This feels very Games Of Thrones-ish. Not gonna lie.

This mage guy even looks like Jon Snow. Nevermind, he’s gonna die. He’s getting squished against walls because magic. Or not. He's just somehow alive. Got it.

This movie is so confusing. People have just teleported inside the centre of the king’s castle. Just like that. Really?

AND WE KEEP TELEPORTING! There’s so much explanation is needed for me. So people are walking through woods when orcs attack them suddenly. There’s swords and decapitation. AND I THINK I HEARD A WILLHELM SCREAM! YES! So the mage does magic stuff and nearly all of the orcs die. Wow. And we’re back to being confused.

Sorry, Nicole confused me in the chat for a second and I forgot to pause so when we return. One of the orcs die and the humans take his female slave (….Not even gonna say it.) I think she’s called Krona or something.

So the evil villain has a go at the main character for running from the battle field after nearly everyone died. Even though that's literally what everyone else in that situation would do. Baddie stuff. So now we have the main orc talking to his kid, cute stuff. That baby might be growing up too quickly though.

Is this review confusing ya? Guess what this movie is confusing me too!

So the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D brings Krona carpets, food and drink and reveals that Negga's city of birth was destroyed. Feel like we missed that scene.

More drama with people wanting humans and orcs to work together. On both sides. No idea why there’s a bald orc here.

There’s a couple of pointless scene in this. Including this one where it’s Krona and the major army guy and it’s only purpose is saying that “Krona can fight for herself” Then there’s two of theses scenes back together. Also she looks like Vixen from Legends Of Tomorrow but with lots of cgi. And we get a very clear boob shot. Really clear, they don’t want you to look at the thing around her neck, that's for sure. Also there’s some backstory there aswell.

Also one of these places are called Stonewind and I find this very funny. Out of everything they could have called it! They call it Stonewind! Don't understand why you would call it stonewind?! There’s some moments tho where the humans are very clearly in front of a green screen. Very.

So turns out theres a father and a son in this?! Didn’t realise that.

That king is Damien Sandow. I have just connected the dots.

ITS SO FREAKING DAMIEN SANDOW

Also senior guru finds junior guru’s notes and burns it all! Because screw it. But I’m starting to like the junior guru tbf

So now there’s a showdown! Good Orcs vs King,Vixen, Random Soldier who has development but I still don’t care enough about and soldiers! This is where I point out that I accidently messed up and had to fast forward through the movie to find where I was. That’s very frustrating. And now there’s random zombie ogres showing up. When was this a thing? Feel like this was just to have a battlescene for the trailer tbh

More magic stuff happens and you’ll never guess what? The man becomes Raiden! Lightning everywhere. And the father and son are separated by the lightning which leads to the son’s demise as he is killed by a villain ogre. Good ogre, bad ogre, knights. This strange.

Raiden passes out and is thrown into some kind of pool. Guess this is what happens when you die in WoW and you respawn in that pool? Is that it?

the old mage gives a blue flower with power to Krona and she disappears…what?

It’s a hour through…halfway through.

Also I just realised they’re trying to do a love angle with Krona and the pointless guy I do not care about. Great.

Als now it’s a raid of the Ogre village because why not? The best friend of the ogre enters the wife and the kid’s house and lets her go.

WAIT WHAT? Theres a council of mages?! They mentioned the council like once! Who are you people!? Hi!

So the junior guru walks into the cosmic cube because questions and answers mean nothing. this was literally the conversation that happened when the cube opened up.

Junior: What? Do I go on there?

Mage: I don't know, it's never responded like that.

AND THERE'S YOUR CONVERSATION. The guy just walks in, leaving the mage behind! you're gonna get eaten

And inside he meets a old woman in a black cloak who gives him advice about...trusting his friends. Except the old guru who has turned evil. When was this?!

Oh it's now.....oh. The pool randomly turns green and the senior guru takes a soul out of a man. Turns out I was supposed to know who that man was but I feel like that scene was ripped out.Then the mageblames the son’s death on the father which provokes the man into almost killing the wizard. Like what a classic villain would do. get someone angry for no reason except everyone thinks he’s a God, great. Meanwhile I feel like father is supposed to be a main character but I don’t care about him. And this love angle does not help things!

So the junior comes back and breaks free the father by turning the guard into a literal sheep. K.

Also the wife ogre sends the kid away down the river before getting killed by a bone? She eat the zombie ogre’s neck off before being stabbed by one of the zombie’s bones, I’m guessing? So that’s a thing. Huh? WHAT?! WHY IS SHE GETTING STABBED BY LITERAL BONES!? WHY IS THIS A THING?! WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST LET A EXTRA ZOMBIE OGRE SHOW UP AND ATTACK! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A BATTLE WARRIOR! AND SHE GETS STABBED BY ONE OF THE ZOMBIE'S BONES! COME ON!

So theres now two battles. Main Character ogre vs villain mage who’s bad and Junior Mage & Main Character that I don’t care about vs Human Evil Mage. The villain mages cheats by using magic and taking souls out of the opposition while he literally kills the main orc and his mates. Just like that. They put more dramaticness into the freaking son dying. Not only that but he then puts it in his right hand man and the man who killed the son becomes super op. So now it’s the king’s army versus Lots of orcs. Meanwhile the evil mage makes a literal clay monster, evening the odds as it’s powerhouse versus person me no care about and Mage vs Mage. ITS TORNADO TAG TEAM ACTION FOLKS.

And the gate slowly opens which allows a lot of orcs to come through the gate. It’s chaos and I don’t know how I’m describing this in written form. I just don’t know. The me no care about talks to the mage but it’s no point as the villain mage proper powers up just in time for the clay monster to teleport and fall onto the mage.

Which allows new mage to pull some true Dragon Ball Z stuff and it’s very weird. The good guys win that battle. The evil guardian suddenly becomes nice again. We found the big show of this movie because this guy keeps turning! The old one turns the gate into a entrance way to Stormwind and that name is still hilarious.

People who are captured go to the Stormwind as the gurus have a nice talk before the old guardians dies. That’s nice. But it closes the gate so now the ogres are taking control of battle. So the king wants Throna to literally kill him to bring peace to the war. And she does it. With a stab to the back of the neck. Damn. So now she’s on the villains side reluctantly. I will now wait for the turn. As the lover of Throna comes along! Yay. And he gets knocked out. Just like that. He wakes up to a showdown. As every ogre crowds around. Person I still don’t care about against super op man who killed the son. And it’s over as I wrote that last sentence. It was literally two hits. And he’s dead. The person I don’t care about rides away on a eagle carrying the king. Throna stays on the bad side but everyone’s against the bad mage…..but nobody kills him because Sequels. That will never happen. Another thing is that the good mage and the lover boy thinks Throna’s bad. Oh and the person I don’t care about suddenly becomes king. OH COME ON! THE GOOD MAGE SHOULD HAVE GOT IT, MAN! I LIKED THAT GUY!

So we cut back to the kid in the final scene as he goes down the river to be collected by someone. Okie dokie.

Also I read this afterwards so I'm just gonna put this here

"“This first film is about establishing the world, and showing Durotan helping his son escape a dying planet. So to me the idea over the course of three films would be for Thrall to fulfill that vision of Durotan to create a new homeland for the Orcs. So in [the sequel] it would be the adolescent years of that baby, and anyone who does know their Warcraft stories would know it’s very much a Spartacus story that goes on with that character. I would basically follow that through. And with the human side of it, which is a little less clear of how that would follow, but basically there is an aftermath to this film which would need to be completed. And on the Orc side you’re very much following that baby, Go’el, known as Thrall in the universe, and how he eventually creates the Orc homeland."

....So he had no idea what to do on the human side and that baby was supposed to become the major character. Is it just me or is this a adapted version of Captain Sparkles' music videos? in that the person who dies in the first video, well that kid's son suddenly grows up and becomes a badass as he takes out the person the first person couldn't beat.Just sayin.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

It’s surprisingly better than I thought it would be. Great effects for the most part, especially with the orcs because they looked Amazing and surprisingly, life-like. And there were times where it was literally all over the place and you get confused where exactly you were. I know the places was probably fan service to the World Of Warcraft, but there were so many places you had to remember at the same time.Could have just done it so one half of the land is orc. other land is human. We don't have to adapt everything perfectly. I found the head orc and wizard arc alright but the people I related to the most was surprisingly, the mages. They were the most memorable to me. Did not care about Sandow and the other human knight. Needs more Ruth Negga tho. She was wasted in the queen role. As far as I remember, she had three scenes. And one of them was at the end. Welp.

Spoiler: THE LIST

1. Warcraft: The Beginning
2. Emoji Movie

​

 

[Solid Snake]

Well, at least we know what happened to Damien Sandow...

Spoiler

 

[The Gipper]

PART THREE: AVENGERS AGE OF ULTRON​

Okay we’re back. With another review, I did a little thing at the start of my last review where I gave you guys three options. And nobody picked any of them. So rude.Only Mike realised that there was even a list! And he chose Age Of Ultron....He also suggested a shit ton of movies to review. A lot of movies. This is the list I have right now

List of Movies that I’ll review eventually:
Superbad
Memento
Hot Fuzz
21 Jump Street
The Matrix
Pulp Fiction
The Wrestler
Spiderman

Keep in mind, these probably isn’t in order of when I will do them, hell someone might suggest a movie I want to see and I insert it at the top of the list because reasons. But I will watch Superbad next week. I promise.

Anyway onto Avengers.

Spoiler: The Reaction

MARVEL LOGO! I AM ALREADY HYPED! I actually prefer this intro to the new one

And we’ve went straight into the action scene and what is happening! This is very fast paced!

Iron Man says Shit and Captain America says Language…..and the meme was born.

When did Jarvis control stuff from a satellite!? When was this a thing? What?

Since I’ve watched all the seasons of Agents Of Shield, I know what this Avengers are trying to get and how they found it. So this is pretty cool. Also explosions! Black Widow snapping necks for reasons! AHHHHH!

Strucker? I’m guessing he’s probably a major villain in the comic but he’s just thrown in at the start to cause some kind of conflict. So kinda like Crossbones from Civil War. Actually now that I think about it, it’s exactly like Crossbones from Civil War. huh.

Fire at explosions!

Hold up! Hold da Devil up! They have a Iron Legion!? That raises too many questions! When did Tony make these?! Didn’t he explode all of the suits in the last movie?! How is he suddenly back?! And suddenly has 10 new suits?! Is Iron Man 3 now erased from existence or something like that! Plus why was he attacking the building alone if he could have just brought the suits in to aid?! Why are the legion telling people to evacuate in english when they are in sokovia!? Nobodys gonna understand them! This is the first scene and it’s annoying me.

Also the civilians are attacking the iron man bots? Why? How? Huh? I thought the entire world loved the Avengers! Turns out not!

Oh hey QuickSilver. How are you doing? Doesn’t Fox have you?

Dang it Hawkeye! Why are you injured that easy!? Come on man…

Iron Man breaks into the base and wrecks shit up.

What. Is. This. Black Widow singing a song to the freaking hulk in order to get him to calm down…...and turn back. I’m gonna hate this, aren’t I?

Von Strucker was taken out easily wasn’t he? One shield throw and he’s out. Plus Witch didn’t exactly help….force him back a couple of steps then disappear behind a door.

Iron Man finds the sceptre and Scarlet Witch shows up and plays mind games which results to a vision of everyone being dead. Sounds like fun. The shield is even broken in half. OMG. Comic book nerds probably marked out over this. What I mean by Comic book nerds is I’m marked out over this!

They not gonna kill them? What? Huh?

AHHHH CLASSICAL MUSIC STUFF! I don’t like this! I CANT UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S SAYING!

Wait was Hulk not supposed to be out there in battle? Why was Banner even there then if that wasn’t the plan? And what caused it? Did he just see a bunch of army people and just go “Well I think this is a good time to go mad”?

I will always wonder how they make that stark tower look so realistic like it’s a actual building...and don’t tell me it’s a actual building because I don’t think it is!

Artificial Intelligence? That always goes right in these things.

Bruce Banner and Tony Stark working together! And nobody from the team that bothers them. Nobody.

Oh snap Ultrons alive. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! AHHHHHHH!

No Jarvis nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. HOW COULD YOU KILL JARVIS!? HOW?!

Jane Foster vs Pepper Potts debate eh? I take pepper.’s side.

Boom you looking for this!?
And there’s a obligational Stan Lee cameo. And he gets drunk. Well that was quick.

….Not paying attention to this romance. I just don’t believe it, nope. Not one bit.

Hawkeye fails lifting up the hammer and fails.
Iron Man fails
Iron Man & War Machine fails
Hulk fails
Captain America does it? Oh, nevermind. He fails.
Black Widow just doesn’t do it.
And then Thor comes in and gives everyone the middle finger because he’s thor. Personal favourite of mine is Thor.

And then Ultron shows up. And he’s ….looking terrible tbh. But then you again what would you expect from lots of spare parts thrown together. Strings stuff. Really villain like stuff.

Then shit goes down. I’ll be honest, I forgot to write notes down about this...sorry. Anyway in summary, Ultron retreats after battle. Avengers like what do we do, thor threatens Stark. Tony Stark states how he’s better than everyone because he fired a missile into a black hole and saw some creepy stuff. That was pretty much the monologue tbh. Then Ultron shows up in Wakanda to set up Black Panther’s movie. He chops the arm off a man who will probably end up being the main villain against Black Panther and then avengers show up. Simple.

Ultron recruits Scarlett Witch and Quicksilver at some point. Also can I point out that Elizabeth Olsen is the hottest Olsen to me. Just want to point that out.

More dialog stuff. I’m kinda liking Ultron as a villain tbh.

And we go into battle because Ultron wanted that Vibrainum.

So Scar….Don’t think that’s the name. Is that the name? Is it Scar or Claw? I don’t know. But he sends in people just for all of them to get knocked out by Black Widow. WHERE’S THAT STAPLES BUTTON THAT SAYS THAT WAS EASY! WE NEED A EMOJI OF THAT PRONTO!

Hawkeye shoots everyone. When is he gonna run out of arrows, I wonder.

OH COME ON! Quicksilver in slow motion! We just had that in X-men and this version has made it less cool!

And he tries to grab the hammer but

Quicksilver fails.

Good teamwork stuff by Chris and Chris. Actor’s names are confusing. Can’t wait for infinity war when there’s three of them oh boy.

Thor gets mind controlled and goes….somewhere. There’s dancing.

Captain America gets mind-controlled

So does Black Widow.

So does Hawk- oh no wait. Nevermind. He shoved a shock thingy into her forehead. Thank God, that wasn’t a arrow.

And I realise there’s one hour and a half left….oh boy this is gonna be a long one.

Black Widow is in some kind of weird ballet, choir, assasination thing.

Cap’s in a WW2 Bar and stuff. And oh damn there’s Peggy! Peggy!

People are still dancing in Thor’s dream. And now there’s Heimdall I like that guy! Would have been better if this was loki but still..

I’m so confused! Now he has Lightning. Also there’s a weird red guy. Vision.

Black Widow now has surgery and stuff. Nevermind.

Scarlet literally says “I want the big one.” Just gonna throw that out there.

Also grey Hulk happens and Black Widow is nowhere near him to give lullabys! Come on Natasha! Establish that romantic connection!

Wait…...who’s Veronica! What?

….Is this where we’re sending Hulk to mars or something? He’s trapped. Okay nevermind to that trapped thing.

And we have the Hulkbuster! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Boy!

Hulk vs Hulk Buster! Woooo!

It’s Superman vs Batman but better…..way better. And Marvel.

Lol at the “go to sleep go to sleep go to sleep” line.

Hulk took a elevator to the back and is not happy!

Y’know looking at this Hulk vs Iron Man fight...you can really side with Iron Man in Civil war because wow, the government should kinda intervene on this. It’s hero vs hero. And what was Ross’ reaction to this? Confusion.

So The Avengers are brooding. Great.

…..We’re on a farm. Smallville? Is that you?

And Hawkeye has a family…..That’s why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He has a wife. I see it now. I approve of those random throwaway lines now.

So more expositional scenes that set up Hawkeye to die except he won’t.

When does Hawkeye have time to see his wife and make this baby again? Also this goes against Hawkeye’s reason to appear in the Civil War.

This Helen girl is very unnecessarily to this movie. And she gets mind controlled! She’s like Hawkeye from the first avengers!

“The world saw the real hulk for the first time” Hold up….so did The Incredible Hulk happen? Is that movie in the MCU? Confusion!

Wait they were expecting the fact that Natasha can’t have kids to be a surprise? What? But then again, this can’t be worse than when that Iron Man Anime, I watched a while ago….Her high school boyfriend ended up being the villain of the anime. Black Widow’s High School boyfriend. What?!

Also Thor disappears. Because reasons.

Civil War buildup scene!

Sup Nick Fury. You’re here. Because Reasons.

Oh boy, is he just here to give a inspirational speech? Is that the only reason he’s in these movies at this point. Inspirational speeches and Exposition?

We see the first sighting of Vision in his not born yet stage. This is weird. But a infinity gem is in there now. So there’s that.

Now we’re at a pool with Thor and Erik….was Erik needed for this? I don’t think he was needed for this film. There’s a lot of people who weren’t needed for this.

So Thor needs to enter a pool to go back to his dream….got it.

Also I think this scene might be DVD Exclusive but Iron Man shows up in the Nexus and does techo stuff about finding someone...I don’t remember who this person is tbh.

How do you find a needle in a haystack? You bring a magnet. That line is genius. And I love it.

We’re back to watching Vision slowly being born. Okie dokie.

Scarlet looks into the mind of Vision who is supposed to be her husband in the comics and sees the world being destroyed…..could do many jokes about how Vision just rocked her world. But he’s still being created so he’s a baby so it’s weird. Very Weird. Gonna move away now.

Scarlet Witch can erase the Sceptre’s power?! Hold the phone! What?! Scarlet! Witch can control one of the infinity stones! Don’t just drop that casually! Dayum!

Oh, and Helens dead. Lol get rekt.

How is Helen Cho still alive?! How?! Questions!

Captain America really likes to fight on roads doesn’t he? Winter Soldier, Age Of Ultron, he fought Panther on the road in Civil War!

Cap also loves flips of Cars.

Did Widow just say beep beep as she drove through on her motorbike?

That motorbike is dead.

BLACK WIDOW BELIEVES SHE AND THE TRUCK CAN FLY! SHE BELIEVES THEY WILL TOUCH THE SKY! I don’t remember this.

….So Scarlet and Pietro are on the Avenger’s side now. Interesting.

That train’s killin fools.

More civil war build up dialog between Cpt America & Witch & Silver.

They’re suggesting to put J.A.R.V.I.S into a robot...Why does Jarvis have to be sacrificed? How about Veronica? Or F.R.I.D.A.Y?

ULTRON JUST KILLED ULTRON! And made Widow the damsel in distress

Bruce Banner likes to kill people without being hulk. So there’s a thing.

Cap vs Iron Man! THIS IS CIVIL WAR!

Oh wait Thor shows up to create Vision.

OH WAIT THOR VS VISION! Oh wait Vision is staring into the world. What?

Vision is God. We are told this, pretty much.

And of course, Cap is the person who wants to kill Vision. This movie makes me wanna side with Iron Man when it comes to Civil war, tbh.

Hold up, 3 Minutes to prepare for battle?! What is this?! Come on now!

Ultron is right. You people are monsters, Stark literally said it himself.

Of course they send the nonpowered Banner to save Black Widow. What?

IT’S AN ALL OUT WAR! AVENGERS VS ROBOTS! VISION VS ULTRON! THOR VS…. UNDERGROUND STUFF!

“Sokovia is going for a ride” Well now we know why he didn’t put F.R.I.D.A.Y into Vision. She says dramatic and totally evil like that.

Black Widow just pushed Bruce Banner down a hole. What? And he reemerges the Hulk. K.

“Global Extinction” That’s something you don’t want to hear everyday.

“If you get killed, walk it off” DON’T TELL QUICKSILVER THAT!

This is my favourite pat of the movie, Hawkeye’s speech to Witch. It’s great.

EXPLOSIONS!

Thor’s the one bothering you? For real?

Scarlet’s killin fools! Ripping them in half and everything!

Hawkeye and Quicksilver’s banter tho.I like it.

Dude, they said hold your fire! And you still shoot him in the arm! And Quicksilver no sells it!

Oh…..and S.H.I.E.L.D shows up. Where’s the galaga worker? He’s my favourite S.H.I.E.L.D Member!

Oh and War Machines here. What happened to Falcon? Shouldn’t he be here also!? HE JUST SHOWED UP!

SHIELD JUST HAD THAT THING REPAIRED ULTRON! COME ON MAN!

Also Vision just hit Ultron with Thor’s hammer….Couldn’t Thor just summon the hammer to his hand tho? Feel like that would have been more efficient.

Of course someone says is that the best you can do…..ULTRON HAS MORE ROBOTS DAMMIT

“Like the old man said….together” AND WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER! ONCE WE KNOW THAT WE ARE AND SOMETHING AND WE SEE THAT! Guess that movie reference,

ANOTHER FREE FOR ALL BATTLE INSIDE A...CHURCH I THINK? ACTION SHOTS FOR THAT TRAILER! AHHHHH! VISION VS ULTRON. OH WAIT NOW THOR, IRON MAN AND VISION ALL AGAINST ULTRON! AND WITH A HULK PUNCH AT THE END! WOOOO NERD STUFF!

Oh look at that...War Machine visits Vision. Huh?

Is Quicksilver older than Witch?! WE NEED RESEARCH ON THAT.

AND WE GET MORE WIDOW/HULK STUFF! Excellent. BLACK WIDOWS DEAD. ULTRON JUST SHOT HER EASILY.

ULTRON’S BULLETS VS HAWKEYE!

Hold up….Quick Silver is definitely slower that Flash then. Flash would have planted a car infront of Hawkeye and had a tea party in the time that Quicksilver had.

AND HULK PUNCHES ULTRON OFF THE SHIP AND WITCH JUST TORE OUT ULTRON’S HEART! DAYUM!

THEY DONE MESSED UP! THE SKY IS FALLING! SOKOVIA IS FALLING DOWN! That debry gonna kill people falling!

HULK DON’T WANT PUNY WIDOW HELP! HULK RIDE PLANE TO ASGUARD BECAUSE REASONS.

And now Vision vs Ultron….this is a terrible ending to a ultron bot.

And hes dead. STILL NEED A THAT WAS EASY BUTTON!

HELEN CHO IS STILL ALIVE? STILL CONFUSED HOW?!

….So Hawkeye has another kid. Hawkeye is the Heath Slater of the MCU?!

And thor disappears into somewhere, somewhen.

And the new avengers show up. Which ain’t gonna last. They ain’t even gonna last a movie. Shame.

AND THE CREDITS COME UP….NOW THE POST CREDITS SCENE…...Oh sup Thanos. How you doing? Aren’t you Cable now?

Although there are imperfections, Age of Ultron is a worthy successor to Avengers Assemble. It gives us all the first movie did and more. Some action fans might be disappointed by the heroes' downtime but it was time for valuable character development, particularly for Black Widow and Hawkeye, two of the less interesting characters in the franchise. There were a few bizarre changes of direction in characterisation - I was not entirely convinced by the out of left field romance storyline for the Widow and the Hulk - but nevertheless to see our heroes more vulnerable and human was a welcome change. There were still wisecracks aplenty and lots of action, enough to please everyone in my opinion, but the development of the backstory was very welcome. But it does require you to watch a bit like Agents of Shield, CA: TWS, Thor 2 and Iron Man 1 to enjoy it fully but you can still enjoy it regardless

 

[Solid Snake]

Do Cats & Dogs next! :kitler: