WWE RAW RANT: (07/30/07) By Cameron Burge
Normally I'd have something clever to day here. And by clever, I mean something completely insulting and nonsensical that only made sense when I was drunk. However, I've been spending way too much time playing with my Wii (HA HA! That rhymes with Wee! It's a penis! I'm so clever!) swing my arms like a lunatic at my television in the vague hopes that this would somehow help me save the president's daughter faster. Because of this, I have absolutely nothing, other than with the new Smackdown Vs. Raw (What the fuck is ECW?) coming to Wii, you too can look like an idiot in your own home like never before! Now you can actually learn how it FEELS to be completely squashed by Triple H's GOD-LIKE AI while you desperately try to fight to victory with your horrible Spiderman CAW.
Raw 07.30.07
The show opens with a recap of who is the number one contender. Because boots to the head KILL.as long as you are Randy Orton. Cena hits the ring to cut a promo on Orton. He breaks the fourth wall by talking about how every Number One contender does the same damn thing like pre-written robots. He goes to spout a catchphrase and Carlito interrupts saying tonight it's the new and improved Carlito's Cabana with John Cena as a guest. He calls out some scrubs to build the set. Carlito says Cena is a liar because he doesn't win all of his Championship matches saying he beat Cena for the US belt on his debut. HOLY SHIT CONTINUITY RUN AWAY. Cena hits us with a machine gun barrage of pop culture references. Carlito claims he should be the number one contender and then Kennedy comes down to differ. They argue and Cena finally tells them Orton deserves his spot. Cena says Kennedy doesn't become Number one contender by a microphone falling from the ceiling..or by falling from the ceiling yourself. Cena asks Carlito what the hell he's done since three years ago. Cena decides to put Kennedy in a match against Lashley and himself against Carlito because the champion can just do crap like that as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Hot Fuzz comes out of my drier every day.
Back to the show. Where the six Woman Diva tag match is going to happen whether we want it to or not after a recap of Morella helping Maria win last week. (One Man Diva). Me and JR are equally confused which is Beth and which is Jillian.
Maria, Mickie James & Women's Champion Candice Michelle vs. Melina, Jillian Hall & Beth Phoenix (Six Diva Tag Match)
Maria starts off with Jillian Hall, dodging a charge in the corner and trying to roll her up. Maria tags out to Mickie who gets rammed by Jillian to the heel corner (HAHA Rammed..). Mickie takes on Melina and starts to take over with clotheslines. Candice tags in and nails a flip over hair pull on Melina. Beth Phoenix knees Candice in the back, allowing Melina o scoop slam her and tag in Phoenix. Phoenix cartwheels into some sort of elbow drop for two. Knocking Candice back down Beth knocks Mickie to the floor and goes back to Candice but she escapes and both tag. Maria crushes Melina with clotheslines and a clusterfuck commences (my personal favorite type of Diva interaction.oh wait). Somewhere along the line a double team on Maria by Beth and Melina as a Facebuster/flapjack (I call it Chlamydia Johnson) gets the win.
Winners: Phoenix, Jillian & Melina
Random Commercial Thought: Hot Rod. Another movie from people who brought you the same crap over..and over..
Back to the show where Santino is arguing with the ref. Morella says he's disgusted with all the cheating, like the NBA and it's the ref's fault. He says the ref should have seen what happened. But damnit Santino it was in the script give him a break. Santino is interrupted by Umaga and asks someone to get him away from him, saying he wants to talk about Maria not this guy. The ref takes Santino's microphone from him and tells them to ring the bell for a match. HAHAHAHA.
Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. Santino Morella (Non Title Match?)
Umaga super kicks Santino in the face and crushes him with an Ass Crash. Best. Face. Ever. Umaga follows with a slam and the spike for three.
Winner: Umaga
Well, I'm sure glad anyone can make any damn match they want now. Who the fuck needs Coach? Cena and the ref got it covered.
Random Commercial Thought: I'M BRET RATNER! Whoo! Coolest man in Hollywood! Look at me I'm Bret Radner!
Back to the show. Coach is on the phone talking about the main event when Cody Rhodes comes in. Coach says he was shocked by what happened last week. He shows Cody the footage of his and Orton's feud in a replay. If by feud you mean, one sided ass kicking. Cody is told he needs to win a match tonight or hit the showers. Elsewhere, Orton says he hates to be redundant (why start now?) but he's killed Michaels RVD and Dusty. SGT Slaughter randomly appears (Wild Slaughter Appear! What Will You Do?) and says everyone knows he hates maggots (And Knowing is half the battle. The other half is a gun). So he's going to take on Orton tonight as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: CHICKEN!
Back to the show where Daivari magically exists again (although with 100% less hair). Cody comes out to cut off Daivari's foreign promo (He was just saying Eat at Joe's assholes). You know, you can really tell Cody is Dusty's son, especially since he's got that similar constant double blackeye syndrome like he decided to give the wrong prostitute an Angry Pirate last night.
Cody Rhodes vs. Daivari
Cody unleashes with hard rights and lays into Daivari but Daivari catches him with a slam for two. Cody rebounds and manages a cross body for two of his own. Daivari begs on the ground and goes for a cheap shot, but Cody catches the foot. Cody hit's a hard power slam and fires up (fortunately someone pours sand on him) and finishes things off with a DDT.
Winner: Cody
Random Commercial Thought: I'm not even really sure what the hell some of these commercials are for. But apparently I could have been a manager for TNA wrestling tonight if someone had let me know about the contest sooner. I could have managed some random jackass!
Back to the show where Kennedy is out to announce himself as the REAL (slim shady) Number one contender. He goes to do the echo, but Bobby interrupts with his music to get us underway.
Bobby Lashley vs. Ken Kennedy (KENNEDY)
Lashley starts off strong with rights on Kennedy, but Ken fights back. Lashley powers through it and catches Kennedy in the corner when he tries to float over. Lashley decks him with a right, hitting a clothesline in the corner. Lashley uses his torture rack drop and sets up for the spear but Kennedy rolls to the floor before he actually SAW AN OBVIOUS SET UP. Kennedy rams Lashley shoulder first into the steel steps when he follows out, crawling back into the ring for the ref to begin his count. What is Kennedy king of the count out finish or something? Lashley crawls in and Kennedy puts on an arm bar. IF only Kennedy knew the more he stacks up the odds against Lashley the more his odds of winning exponentially increase. Lashley lifts him up but Kennedy comes down on the arm again for two. The ref checks on Lashley and Kennedy goes back to the work, hammering the shoulder and putting on a half nelson.
Lashley throws Kennedy off and tosses him from one side of the ring to the other. Lashley hit's a back body drop and sets up the spear but he runs right into a kick to the shoulder. Kennedy rolls him over into a pin for three! Holy shit!
Winner: Kennedy
After the match, Kennedy announces himself while the ref checks on Lashley and we check out some commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Year of the Three-quel.
Back to the show. Snitsky says our pain is his pleasure. He jacks off every time we watch a Khali match. They replay what happened to Bobby before JR recaps what's going on with the Kings. (Look out Burger King). JR calls the show down a royal Rumble (with significantly fewer participants) as booker arrives and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I have Balls of Fury but every time I use them I get arrested.
Back to the show where we get a King of Kings promo. Jerry arrives and I'm happy to see they had the class to color coordinate.
Jerry Lawler vs. King Booker w/ Queen Sharmell (King of Over the Hill Match)
Jerry and Booker tie up and Jerry disintegrates into a fine powder. Seriously. King (which one?! HA!) gets pissed with all the dancing around and socks Booker in the face. They tie up again and Booker forces Jerry to the corner and takes a cheap shot. Jerry fights out with right hands, sending Booker to the corner himself. Booker gets whipped to the corner, catching Lawler with a reverse elbow and heel kick for two. Booker starts pounding away at his fellow king. This is kind of like a chess match. With a white and black king and a big square playing field..and body odor.
Booker sets up the Scissors kick and Lawler dodges, lighting up with right and lefts, punching Booker into the mat, removing his strap. Lawler hits an elbow drop for two, thinking her had three when Booker got his feet on the rope. Lawler tries a clothesline and eats a super kick. Booker starts stomping into Jerry and puts hi in the corner for a beat down until the ref finally calls for the bell because he won't break it. Winner: Lawler
After the match Booker pounds Lawler into the match (kind of like prison!) and celebrates down the ramp before Jerry rushes down to beat the hell out of him as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Why the hell does HSN need to rain fucking dots on all of their products?
Back to Heat. I mean, uh Raw. Well it's hard to tell. Cryme Tyme is here to face some jobbers.
Cryme Tyme vs. Random Schmucks
JTG hit's a sliding uppercut on Jobber number one, before Jobber number two tags in. Shad tags in and crushed him with a couple of clotheslines. Shad hit's a power slam and knocks Jobber number one completely out with a right hand when he runs in. JTG comes in with the tag and they hit the Joint Roller for three. Winners: Cryme Tyme
JTG and Shad write a song consisting of one line. Hey didn't have much time to prepare. They auction off the Jobber's White boots with black soul (HA) as the "I just got beat by Cryme Tyme" boots for money. They drop the price from 1000 dollars to twenty after signing them. This segment itself stretches on into infinity as we go on to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: A sexy Hamburger would need some big titties for me to care.
Back to the show. Orton is out to face Sgt. Slaughter proving that Transformers isn't the only part of the 80's that can be dredged back up.
Slaughter pretty much gets slaughtered right away, Orton kicking his tiny legs out from under him. The Sergeant rolls around on the ground beneath Orton's stalking stomps. Orton puts Slaughter in a headlock (take a shot) that looks a lot more like a choke. Slaughter rallies out eventually and fights out, catching Orton in the cobra clutch (HAIL COBRA). Orton manages to make it to eh ropes and head butts his way out of the hold. After that, it's just an RKO to the end.
Winner: Orton
Post match, Slaughter gets hit with a kick to the head that does more damage than even that one evil ninja from GI Joe.
Random Commercial Thought: I'll burn YOUR notice.
Back to the show where they replay the tragedy of Slaughter. I'm guessing by now the nondescript WWE Hospital should be freaking packed.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
Cena taunts Carlito into a corner and backs off before Carlito comes back in. Cena puts a headlock on (take a shot) and gives Carlito a noogie (He then of course follows up with a wedgie and puts Daivari in a locker). Carlito gets tripped right into an STFU which Cena just ends by messing his hair to tease him. Carlito gets a shot to the gut in and starts punching Cena into the corner. Cena hits a bulldog. Orton apparently never left ringside and taunts standing up when Cena chases Carlito outside. Carlito takes a back body drop. Cena punches Carlito to the corner and catches him with a fisherman's suplex. Cena and Orton stare down before Cena goes back to Carlito. Carlito nails him in the gut and Cena whips him into a sidewalk slam. Carlito manages to catch Cena with a neck breaker for two. Her lays in with some punches for two more.
Carlito goes to a chin lock (take a shot). Cena fights free with strength and hit's the flashback into the generic offense that we haven't seen in a while. Protobomb goes into the You Can't See Me but Orton tries to get in. Cena tries to grab him and Carlito takes the opportunity to hit the Apple Jack for the win.
Winner: Carlito
Carlito spits his apple in Cena's face. The ref hold Orton back at ringside while Cena gets up and stares at Carlito on the ramp all pissed at the apple. Cena smirks as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Carlito gets the pin over John fucking Cena. Cena and Lashley BOTH LOSE ON THE SAME NIGHT. It's a sign of the Apocalypse.
Lowlight of the Night: Cryme Tyme selling boots for so long I felt like I actually WAS watching the HSN.
Eugene Award: Sgt Slaughter jobbed out for seemingly no reason. How many times can you do this match before people stop caring? Once.
lol pretty funny, I saw it on another forum and thought you guys would enjoy it
