phantomgerald
Guest
We need an official joke thread, but here are some of mine
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
...... Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the
back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
****Longer Pause****
Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ...... Is this 0208 257 9213?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bear hunting
Kevin was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Kevin decides to accept the latter alternative.
So the big black bear has his way with Kevin. Even though he feels sore for two weeks, Kevin soon recovers and vows revenge.
He heads out on another trip back to Alaska where he finds the big black bear and shoots it dead. Right afterwards, there's another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear is standing right next to him.
The Grizzly says, "That was a big mistake, Kevin. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again Kevin decides it's better to cooperate with the grizzly than to be mauled to death... so the grizzly has his way with Kevin.
Although Kevin survives, it takes him several months to fully recover. Now Kevin is outraged, so he heads back to Alaska to track down the huge grizzly bear.
He finds it and shoots it dead. He's feeling sweet revenge, but seconds later there is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looks at him and says,"Admit it Kevin, you
don't come here for the hunting do you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
...... Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the
back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
****Longer Pause****
Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ...... Is this 0208 257 9213?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bear hunting
Kevin was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Kevin decides to accept the latter alternative.
So the big black bear has his way with Kevin. Even though he feels sore for two weeks, Kevin soon recovers and vows revenge.
He heads out on another trip back to Alaska where he finds the big black bear and shoots it dead. Right afterwards, there's another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear is standing right next to him.
The Grizzly says, "That was a big mistake, Kevin. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again Kevin decides it's better to cooperate with the grizzly than to be mauled to death... so the grizzly has his way with Kevin.
Although Kevin survives, it takes him several months to fully recover. Now Kevin is outraged, so he heads back to Alaska to track down the huge grizzly bear.
He finds it and shoots it dead. He's feeling sweet revenge, but seconds later there is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looks at him and says,"Admit it Kevin, you
don't come here for the hunting do you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
