Greeting jabronis,
Just two tiny weeks after the shockingly unpredictable Night of Champions PPV (my brain is still throbbing from trying to absorb the sight of Mark Henry as champion), WWE is thrusting another PPV down our red raw throats with the Hell in a Cell extravaganza. Hey… “hell in a cellâ€â€¦ Ha ha! That rhymes! Excellent work, WWE!
I’m not particularly keen on a night dedicated to Hell in a Cell as I don’t believe it’s a strong enough concept to base an entire PPV upon. It’s just a cage match with a slightly bigger cage than normal. And a roof. As a gimmick, it just doesn’t have the necessary ingredients to give us an unforgettable spectacle as, say, a TLC or a Last Man Standing match might. I think the only truly memorable Hell in a Cell match we’ve ever seen is the Mankind v Undertaker stuntfest… and we certainly won’t be seeing another one similar to that whilst the PG era is in full swing. Another thing that always troubles me about these matches is that the wire mesh of the cell walls makes it slightly difficult to see what’s going on inside. Sure, the TV audience are served well enough by the cameramen who will be positioned inside the structure – but what about all the kiddies in attendance? Won’t somebody please think of the children?
But hey, regular readers will know that I truly hate to be negative towards a PPV before it’s even occurred, so I’ll write this column with an optimistic grin plastered across my face, and maybe – just maybe – WWE can pull out all the stops and make this a PPV worth watching. Stranger things have happened. Sexual frikking Chocolate being world champion for one.
Here lie my predicitions….
Beth Phoenix v Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly
Do we really need to see this match again? Take the belt off Kelly Kelly already and, as I wrote last month, have Beth Phoenix (along with Natalya) dominate the diva’s division for the next 10/12 months until Kharma makes her return. Then the diva’s division might once again have an iota of intrigue about it.
Kelly Kelly is fine, nay, mighty fine to look at – but she’s no wrestler. And despite what WWE bigwigs may think, she is not winning over the masses. She is simply boring them.
If Beth loses again on the night, the diva’s division will transgress beyond the worthless mess that it already it is. Do the right thing, WWE.
Pick: Beth Phoenix
Sin Cara v Sin Cara
Is this match going ahead?! It seems very likely indeed… and I’ve decided to include it in this pretty column of mine regardless as confirmed matches are pretty thin on the ground as I type this.
Sin Cara has gotten over fast with his flashy and aesthetically pleasing wrestling style, but fans already seem to be growing a little tiresome of him. Are his crowd pops getting smaller or am I just watching my TV on a lower volume setting? In truth, it’s hard for an audience to engage with a character who rarely speaks… And on the odd occasion when he does speak, he does so in Spanish (or Mexican, or jibberish – whatever it might be).
I’m not a big fan of this Cara v Cara angle (for no other reason than it’s a bit stupid), but I admit I’m mildly intrigued as to where WWE will go with it beyond their feud. Will the loser be banished from the roster, or will two Sin Caras be a permanent fixture on WWE programming for the foreseeable future? If so, they should totally form a tag team and be repackaged as The New Conquistadors, says I.
As for this match, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Sin Cara gets the win here. I know several of you will disagree with me, but I’ve really got a gut feeling about this one.
Pick: Sin Cara
Christian v Sheamus
I make no secret of the fact that I’m a huge Christian mark, and I’ve dug the hell out of him since his long overdue heel turn came into play. The fact that he’s recently tried to make a catchphrase out of “one more match†has genuinely cracked me up, and I hope to see it on a T-shirt mighty soon.
But, realistically, I don’t see Christian getting “one more match†for the world title for a long while yet. He’s had his time in the main event spotlight, and now it’s time to step aside. As much as it saddens me, I think WWE sees Christian as more of a “feeder†guy – someone who can selflessly put over other performers so they can elevate to the next level of wrestling stardom.
But, with that said, I think the booking team will be looking to get a couple of PPV matches out of this feud, so I anticipate Captain Charisma winning the battle here, but Sheamus will inevitably emerge victorious from the war further down the line.
Nobody ever has a bad match with Christian, and Sheamus is a very able worker too – so I fully anticipate seeign some stellar bouts throughout this feud.
Pick: Christian
Mark Henry v Randy Orton
So, thanks to Mark Henry’s win over Orton at Night of Champions, I now have to name my first born child “Sexual Chocolateâ€. Sure, they’re gonna be in for a hard life, but a promise is a promise and my kid will learn that the hard way.
Can WWE’s*#2 poster child really lose on PPV cleanly twice in a row? (because, presumably, all victories are “clean†in Hell in a Cell seeing as there are no rules). I don’t see it. History has taught us that Orton will always be booked strong – and one clean loss is/was plenty enough to give us all a shock, but now normality must be restored.
You’d think I would have learned my lesson in betting so highly against Mark Henry last month… but evidently not. My money is on Orton to avoid the misfortune of Jerry Lawler-esque anal bleeding and emerge from the cell with the strap back around his waist and his anus intact. When Cena and Orton are both champs, the balance of the world is in harmony. Or at least that’s what Vince would have us believe.
Pick: Randy Orton
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John Cena v CM Punk v Alberto Del Rio
I was flabbergasted that Del Rio dropped the title at Night of Champions just 5 weeks afer winning it – not quite as flabbergasted as The Kool Aid guy becoming world heavyweight champion – but flabbergasted nonetheless. It was short-sighted booking and has damaged the perception of The Mexican aristocrat as a genuine main eventer. Instead, we’re once again treated to the default setting ofJohn Cena as champ I don’t care how much merchandise Cena shifts, the staleness and sheer tediousness of his act is becoming too much to bear. His domination is already easily comparable to the Hogan led 80’s era… And sadly there seems to be no end in sight.
Of course, the majority of the IWC would prefer to see CM Punk emerge as champion here, and I guess it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility. I’m even willing to believe that underdog Del Rio could emerge once again as champion, with this victory giving him the blessing to rightfully boast about his climb to the top this time – unlike his opportunistic money in the bank cash-in.
But, although I haven’t yet learned to not bet against Mark Henry, I have learned (many, many times) to never bet against Super Cena.
The way I see it is this: If you’ve got a two sided coin that features John Cena on one side and anything you can imagine on the other – you flip that coin a hundred times, and about ninety-eight of those flips will result in the coin landing with Cena’s face up. He’s always the safe bet.
I think that everyone’s new favourite rapping double act, The Miz and R-Truth, may well be a significant factor in how this one plays out… But that’s based on nothing but a hunch. Or it could be a boil. I should get a doctor to take a look.
Pick: Super Cena
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Well those are my picks folks, as ever – please leave your own thoughts below. I love it when you do.
I won’t get a chance to watch the PPV (legally or illegally!) as I am setting off on holiday shortly after I’ve published this. So I will be visiting wrestling-edge.com (yeah, shameless plug, that’ll teach other websites for stealing this article… That’ll teach them good) to get my fill on the results. Maybe I’ll try to recreate the live WWE experience by wearing my Christian T-Shirt whilst listening to R-Truth’s “What’s up†and enduring some anal bleeding as I read the results.
Yeah… In fact, I’m definitely gonna do that.
Over and out.