Dear 7-year-old Anthony,
O.K. — in 1999 Billy Gunn is going to leave DX and change his name to “Mr. Ass” Billy Gunn, which will start as this ironic play on the name “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn but will eventually become a gimmick about his literal ass. Twenty years later, a nice but evil demon will call Billy’s two sons “The Ass Boys” and you’ll (you’re a professional wrestler now) start referring to Billy (he’s 59 now) as “Daddy Ass.” After that, the three Gunns will partner with The Acclaimed, a tag team you’re in with Max Caster, this amazing rapper. You and Max will have a signature handshake where you’ll scissor each other’s fingers, which is a nod both to the “A” in Acclaimed and to your own queerness. One night on live TV, you’ll turn to Billy and scream, “SCISSOR ME, DADDY ASS!!!!” People will love it and your life will never be the same.
Good luck with everything, see you in 25 years.
—32-year-old Anthony
