"Just got caught jacking off. Weird thing is, think mother was aroused... #TrailerParkProblems",
"Lol I just ran over someone while opening my phone... Dropped my phone n nearly broke it #fml",
"Giggled in front of my Mum, went to try and explain the joke and all I got was \"Ugh, wrestling\". #StfuBitch",
"Just had loads of pasta; still hungry. #fml",
"my mum n dad just bought me a new phone, I ALREADY HAVE A GOOD PHONE FUCK U PARENTS #mylifesucks",
"@Barack_Obama lol u should just like rent some hoes n have a pool party. I'd totes go. #whitehousebash",
"fuckin dog just ran up to me while i was walkin n expected me to pet it . LOOK AFTER UR ANIMALS BAD OWNERZ. #badpetowners",
"wrestling isn't even real, y u ppl even watch it ????? lyk omgosh new season of #glee TOTES BEST SHOW ON TV.",
"In such a short frame am I expected to mention words meaningful enough to be read? uh i mean LOL cant even say anyfin in lyk 313 words, u crzy #wweforums",
"If an African child stepped on a land-mine, would it be triggered? #FoodForThought",
"Girlfriend wanted kittens for valentines day, I guess wrapping them up in a box wasn't such a good idea. #fml",
"Got some wine and a film ready for valentines day. Still not sure how to keep wine-glass steady with left hand preoccupied.",
"\"Valentines Day\" is just a made up holiday by organizations in order to weedle out any bit of money from consumers, but if it gets me laid, care.",
"@Emma Roses are red, Violets are blue; I slept with your sister. Sorry. #ForgiveMe",
"What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no really, stop, PLEASE, DON'T, I PROMISE I WONT TALK TO HIM AGAIN STOP PLE",
"#BestLuckEver Just found pile of flowers lying in street. Thought GF would flip if I forgot valentines. Tire marks near flowers left a mark on my pants though. #FML",
"Jewish gf took me to meet parents for valentines. #mfw I accidentally told them my job was installing steam showers.",
"Black gf took me to meet parents for valentines and power went out. Had to make them laugh so I didn't end up walking into them.",
"Austrian gf took me to meet parents for valentines. #mfw they told me the table was set in the basement.",
"Asian gf took me to meet parents for valentines. She said they liked food, so I brought my cat.",
"Italian gf took me to meet parents for valentines. In hindsight, dressing as mario wasn't such a great idea.",
"Jewish gf took me to meet parents (and grandparents) for valentines. Note to self: get rid of the emo hairstyle.",
"Arabic gf took me to meet parents for valentines. I upset her father; got new pair of shoes.",
"Scottish gf took me to meet parents for valentines at bar, had to wear kilt. Couldn't decide which toilet to choose.",
"Irish gf took me to meet parents for valentines. POTATO.",
"Indian gf took me to meet parents for valentines. Turns out they don't actually like it when you put on an indian accent.",
"Asian gf said she was hungry, took her to a pet store.",
"Scottish gf said she was hungry, fried a box of Celebrations for dinner.",
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