THE Brian Kendrick's Biceps
Guest
Welcome one and all to THE BKB's review of THE TNA iMPACT! Tonight, we should see Jeff Jarrett. That’s what they’re advertising at least. I hope that’s what they deliver.
We start off with JB backstage, and he’s talking to Sting. Sting promises two words: Jeff Jarrett.
We go to ringside, and DW and Tenay advertise the show we have coming up. I didn’t pay much attention, because it was DW and Tenay talking. Here comes Joe! He comes out and said he doesn’t care. He’s turning emo. He says he wants Sting’s head on a platter. Here’s Nash! Joe tells Sting YOU’RE NEXT! I bet Goldberg is fuming. Nash craps on about how he smokes and drinks. He tells Joe he’s World Champ. Because you know, Joe may not have noticed. Nash calls Joe dude. LOL! Nash says he has three people for Joe to beat tonight. Something tells me we will see the Rock n Rave Infection vs Joe later. Joe tells Nash he’s after Sting, and this promo is done.
Backstage, and Lauren is with the Beautiful People. My God, they are good on the mic. Take note divas: this is how you cut a promo. Angelina said ‘aboot’ a few times. Silly Canuckers.
AD BREAK
Abyss Open Challenge
Abyss vs Christian Cage
Wow, high standard match being thrown away here. Of course, it will probably end with 3D running in and beating down both men. We start off with a lock up, with Abyss just shoving Cage onto his ass. Cage hits rights and lefts on Abyss. Abyss then sends him running off. Cage ducks elbows and Walker’s, only to receive a should tackle. Chops from Cage, but he get Walker’ed. Cage sits in the corner, and Abyss Umaga’s him. Two count. Abyss hits some right hands. Cage comes back with some chops, only for Abyss to cut him off with a chop. Abyss goes for a back body drop, but Cage boots him. Cage then runs off, only for Abyss to throw him up in the air and let him land hard. Abyss goes for another Umaga, but Cage ducks, then hits a few Walker’s. Cage hits an elbow, then goes up and hits a corkscrew elbow for two, with Abyss throwing Cage off. Low dropkick to the knees from Cage. He goes for the Frog Splash, but Abyss gets him by the throat. Chokeslam attempt, Cage goes behind. Unprettier fails, and Abyss goes for a back suplex, but Cage flips over and lands on his feet. Abyss then scores with the Chokeslam for the two. Abyss picks Cage up, then gets him in the torture rack position. Cage slips out and hits the Unprettier. Cage goes for the pin, but Angle runs in and breaks it up.
Winner: Cage via DQ (I assume)
Rating: *1/2
Comments: That was shit for the talent in the ring.
Booker T runs in, and they double team Cage. They grab a chair, then give it to Abyss. Abyss looks scared, then decks Booker and Angle. Angle and Booker use the numbers to take over, when Morgan runs in, and the baddies run. Morgan sets out a challenge for later. Big Guys vs Booker and Angle. Angle supposedly accepts (this is coming from DW, so who knows?).
AD BREAK
We’re in the ring with JB. Beauty Contest time apparently. Angelina vs Taylor ... why can’t we have Velvet? JB introduces the judges .... THE SUPERQUEEROS!
Beauty Contest
Fall #1
Evening Gown Contest
Angelina Love w/ Velvet Sky and Kip James vs Taylor Wilde w/ a referee lulz
DW pus THE SUPERQUEEROS over. The two Knockout’s walk around the ring. Taylor’s tan is quite ugly. Looks very fake. Velvet is ftw. Screw the rest (wait ... just screw her >_>). Judging time-
Curry Man: Angelina Love
Shark Boy: Taylor Wilde
Super Eric: Taylor Wilde
Winner (of Fall #1): Taylor Wilde
Rating: ½*
Comments: Taylor was U G L Y
AJ video.
We then go backstage to Lauren with Sonjay Dutt. Dutt sounds like a rapist. He’s breathing heavily. This was really boring to me. I really didn’t listen.
AD BREAK
Karen’s Angle with Sting. If this is all they are doing with Karen, then why don’t they just do nothing at all with her? Sting talks about how old he is. WE GET IT STING, YOU’RE VERY OLD!
AJ Styles comes out to the ring. He calls out Frank Trigg.
AD BREAK
Trigg is out in the ring with AJ. Trigg asks AJ if they will fight at No Surrender. Then tells him they are. And how they are. MMA style. AJ accepts. Trigg sucks on the mic. AJ slaps Trigg, and they brawl. Here comes security.
Lauren is backstage with Christian Cage. He tells her it’s real basic. Fight or flight. Cage says he is going to make it to No Surrender. I should hope so. You are advertised after all for the main event. He keeps talking about his hometown.
AD BREAK
Beauty Contest
Fall #2
Bikini Contest
Angelina Love w/ Kip James and Velvet Sky vs Taylor Wilde
Taylor is up first, and I don’t find her overly hot for a women’s wrestler. Nice ass though. Angelina is up next. She leaves the ring, and goes to strip right in front of the judges. Curry Man and Sharky seem very happy. She shoves her ass in Curry’s crotch. She looks a bit skinny for me. Why couldn’t it be Velvet?
Eric Young: Taylor Wilde
Curry Man: Angelina Love
Shark Boy: Angelina Love
Winner(of Fall #2): Angelina Love
Rating: **
Comments: Both were decent
Awesome Kong and ODB hype video.
Silicon Street Fight
Awesome Kong vs Roxxi
That’s right, I changed the gimmick matches name. Anyway, Kong goes out as Roxxi is coming down the ramp, and smashes her around ringside. Kong throws Roxxi into the crowd. Chop. Chokebomb into the wall. Nice move. Kong throws Roxxi back over the crowd barrier. Roxxi comes back with rights, before dropping her face first across the steel steps.
AD BREAK
We’re back, and Kong is ninjaring with a pole. Kong just charges at her and boots her. Roxxi then hits some shots with the garbage can lid. Big boot for two. Roxxi sits the chair up, then drop toe holds Kong into it, before bulldogging her into it for two. Roxxi picks Kong up, only to get a Walker. Kong throws the chair down, then scoop slams Roxxi on it. Kong heads up to the second rope for a splash, only for Roxxi to move, leaving Kong to hit the chair. Roxxi gets two. She argues with the referee, and Kong gets up with the chair. Kong hits Roxxi with the chair, opening her up the hard way. Awesome Bomb ftw.
Winner: Awesome Kong
Rating: **1/2
Comments: A good match, but nothing too good.
Saeed sets up the two chairs, and then tells Kong to Awesome Bomb Roxxi onto them. ODB runs in for the save. ODB hits Mark ‘Slick’ Johnson with the chair. PWNT
We see Joe walking backstage. He’s preparing for his three opponents. I still say Rock n Rave Infection.
AD BREAK
Samoa Joe vs Johnny Devine
So it’s not a three on one handicap match? Oh well, I’m still willing to bet the other two will Rock and Rave. Devine starts off beating Joe with right hands. Death Valley Driver from Joe. Three.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Rating: DUD
Comments: Wow, what a squash
Samoa Joe vs Lance Rock w/ Jimmy Rave and Christy Hemme
AWW YEAH! BKB is looking good now. RnR in the house. DW says that Nash has chosen different styles of wrestlers. No DW, I’m sure they’re all jobbers. Rock starts off with rights. Joe hits rights. Joe sends Rock to the opposite corner. Rock hits an elbow. Goes for an elbow. Misses. Joe knocks Rave off the apron, jumping big boot, Rear Naked Choke, done.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Rating: DUD
Comments: LOL
Samoa Joe vs TOMKO?!?!?!
Wait ... what? I thought he was gone from TNA. He gets a small Tomko chant upon entering. Tomko and Joe face off, and the Tomko chant is pretty loud. Exchange of rights. They go into the corner, and Joe hits chops. Tomko gets out of the corner, and Joe hits a big running forearm. Tomko comes back with a big running WALKER! Tomko gets a chinlock. Joe fights out of it, and gets a superkick. Joe sets Tomko up for the Muscle Buster, but Tomko fights out with some rights. Tomko chops at Joe, only for an inverted atomic drop. Jumping big boot, senton, two. Snap powerslam, two. Tomko suddenly hits the Chokebomb, for the two. Tomko picks Joe up, then calls for the Jacknife lol. Back body drop from Joe. Tomko goes into the corner, and Joe charges in, only for Tomko to dodge. Joe goes into the turnbuckle. Tomko charges in, but gets the ST-Joe. Muscle Buster. Three.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Rating: *1/2
Comments: TOMKO?!?!?!?!?
Joe celebrates in the ring, and Nash comes in with a mic. He says Joe’s ready. Because you know, he beat two jobbers and a guy who isn’t even supposed to be in the company. Nash says he taught Joe all he knows, so now Joe’s on his own. They hug, and Joe cries like a little fat Samoan baby. Joe will have to do the backstage politics all alone now. UH OH!
AD BREAK
Beauty Contest
Fall #3
Talent Contest
Angelina Love w/ Kip James and Velvet Sky vs Taylor Wilde
Velvet makes a lame joke. Angelina makes a lame joke. Lol @ them stealing Jillian’s gimmick. They sing awfully. Taylor plays the drums.
Curry Man: Angelina Love
Shark Boy: Taylor Wilde
Super Eric: Taylor Wilde
Winner: Taylor Wilde
Rating: *
Comments: How predictable could it be?
Taylor slaps Kip, and the Beautiful People mug Taylor, while Kip holds the SUPER QUEEROS off. Rhino runs in and makes the save.
Cross The Line hype (cue chessarmy marking out).
Kurt Angle and Booker T vs Abyss and Matt Morgan
Angle takes a waist lock, but can’t do anything to Morgan. Morgan then squashes Angle in the corner. Sidewalk slam for two. Morgan tags in Abyss, who clubs Angle in the back. Abyss then hits rights on Angle. Angle rakes the eyes of Abyss, then nails a Euro uppercut. Angle runs off, but then catches a big boot from Abyss. Cover, only one though due to Booker breaking up the pin. Morgan comes in, and the faces clean house.
AD BREAK
We’re back, and Angle is hitting Morgan. Morgan tells him to bring it on, before scooping him up and slamming him down. Angle then hits a drop toe hold. Morgan crawls over to the ropes, and Booker hits some rights. Angle then tags him in, and Booker hits some more rights. Angle comes back in, and he kicks away at Morgan. Angle then lifts Morgan up, and goes for a suplex. Morgan counters though, and hits a suplex of his own. Morgan makes the tag, and Abyss cleans house with rights. He goes for a double chokeslam, but Angle and Booker escape and run off. Abyss hits a double clothesline. Abyss tries to chokeslam Booker, but Angle intercepts. Morgan bicycle kicks him out of the ring. Booker goes for the Scissors Kick in the ring, but Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam. The referee is out with Morgan, and Abyss can’t capitalise. 3D run in, and Devon hits Abyss with a chair. Angle gets the three.
Winners: Booker T and Kurt Angle
Rating: **
Comments: 3D were always coming
Sting is coming out ... NEXT!
AD BREAK
Back from le break (with le frog legs), and here comes Sting. He spells Jarrett’s name, and calls him out. He then calls Joe out. Joe is in the rafters. Ooooooo mind games. He talks trash, and says he isn’t going alone to No Surrender. Jarrett’s music plays. He is on top of the titan tron, with his guitar. Pyro goes off, as we end the show.
Overall Thoughts: It was better than last week’s, but that isn’t saying much. The finish wasn’t as good as last week’s with Jarrett, but this show seemed to be a lot more productive in terms of selling No Surrender. Still, not a great show.
Anyway, check out Soulpower’s Raw Review, TJ’s ECW Review, and Kaedon’s SmackDown! Review, as well as his NSZ. That’s me done for another week.
We start off with JB backstage, and he’s talking to Sting. Sting promises two words: Jeff Jarrett.
We go to ringside, and DW and Tenay advertise the show we have coming up. I didn’t pay much attention, because it was DW and Tenay talking. Here comes Joe! He comes out and said he doesn’t care. He’s turning emo. He says he wants Sting’s head on a platter. Here’s Nash! Joe tells Sting YOU’RE NEXT! I bet Goldberg is fuming. Nash craps on about how he smokes and drinks. He tells Joe he’s World Champ. Because you know, Joe may not have noticed. Nash calls Joe dude. LOL! Nash says he has three people for Joe to beat tonight. Something tells me we will see the Rock n Rave Infection vs Joe later. Joe tells Nash he’s after Sting, and this promo is done.
Backstage, and Lauren is with the Beautiful People. My God, they are good on the mic. Take note divas: this is how you cut a promo. Angelina said ‘aboot’ a few times. Silly Canuckers.
AD BREAK
Abyss Open Challenge
Abyss vs Christian Cage
Wow, high standard match being thrown away here. Of course, it will probably end with 3D running in and beating down both men. We start off with a lock up, with Abyss just shoving Cage onto his ass. Cage hits rights and lefts on Abyss. Abyss then sends him running off. Cage ducks elbows and Walker’s, only to receive a should tackle. Chops from Cage, but he get Walker’ed. Cage sits in the corner, and Abyss Umaga’s him. Two count. Abyss hits some right hands. Cage comes back with some chops, only for Abyss to cut him off with a chop. Abyss goes for a back body drop, but Cage boots him. Cage then runs off, only for Abyss to throw him up in the air and let him land hard. Abyss goes for another Umaga, but Cage ducks, then hits a few Walker’s. Cage hits an elbow, then goes up and hits a corkscrew elbow for two, with Abyss throwing Cage off. Low dropkick to the knees from Cage. He goes for the Frog Splash, but Abyss gets him by the throat. Chokeslam attempt, Cage goes behind. Unprettier fails, and Abyss goes for a back suplex, but Cage flips over and lands on his feet. Abyss then scores with the Chokeslam for the two. Abyss picks Cage up, then gets him in the torture rack position. Cage slips out and hits the Unprettier. Cage goes for the pin, but Angle runs in and breaks it up.
Winner: Cage via DQ (I assume)
Rating: *1/2
Comments: That was shit for the talent in the ring.
Booker T runs in, and they double team Cage. They grab a chair, then give it to Abyss. Abyss looks scared, then decks Booker and Angle. Angle and Booker use the numbers to take over, when Morgan runs in, and the baddies run. Morgan sets out a challenge for later. Big Guys vs Booker and Angle. Angle supposedly accepts (this is coming from DW, so who knows?).
AD BREAK
We’re in the ring with JB. Beauty Contest time apparently. Angelina vs Taylor ... why can’t we have Velvet? JB introduces the judges .... THE SUPERQUEEROS!
Beauty Contest
Fall #1
Evening Gown Contest
Angelina Love w/ Velvet Sky and Kip James vs Taylor Wilde w/ a referee lulz
DW pus THE SUPERQUEEROS over. The two Knockout’s walk around the ring. Taylor’s tan is quite ugly. Looks very fake. Velvet is ftw. Screw the rest (wait ... just screw her >_>). Judging time-
Curry Man: Angelina Love
Shark Boy: Taylor Wilde
Super Eric: Taylor Wilde
Winner (of Fall #1): Taylor Wilde
Rating: ½*
Comments: Taylor was U G L Y
AJ video.
We then go backstage to Lauren with Sonjay Dutt. Dutt sounds like a rapist. He’s breathing heavily. This was really boring to me. I really didn’t listen.
AD BREAK
Karen’s Angle with Sting. If this is all they are doing with Karen, then why don’t they just do nothing at all with her? Sting talks about how old he is. WE GET IT STING, YOU’RE VERY OLD!
AJ Styles comes out to the ring. He calls out Frank Trigg.
AD BREAK
Trigg is out in the ring with AJ. Trigg asks AJ if they will fight at No Surrender. Then tells him they are. And how they are. MMA style. AJ accepts. Trigg sucks on the mic. AJ slaps Trigg, and they brawl. Here comes security.
Lauren is backstage with Christian Cage. He tells her it’s real basic. Fight or flight. Cage says he is going to make it to No Surrender. I should hope so. You are advertised after all for the main event. He keeps talking about his hometown.
AD BREAK
Beauty Contest
Fall #2
Bikini Contest
Angelina Love w/ Kip James and Velvet Sky vs Taylor Wilde
Taylor is up first, and I don’t find her overly hot for a women’s wrestler. Nice ass though. Angelina is up next. She leaves the ring, and goes to strip right in front of the judges. Curry Man and Sharky seem very happy. She shoves her ass in Curry’s crotch. She looks a bit skinny for me. Why couldn’t it be Velvet?
Eric Young: Taylor Wilde
Curry Man: Angelina Love
Shark Boy: Angelina Love
Winner(of Fall #2): Angelina Love
Rating: **
Comments: Both were decent
Awesome Kong and ODB hype video.
Silicon Street Fight
Awesome Kong vs Roxxi
That’s right, I changed the gimmick matches name. Anyway, Kong goes out as Roxxi is coming down the ramp, and smashes her around ringside. Kong throws Roxxi into the crowd. Chop. Chokebomb into the wall. Nice move. Kong throws Roxxi back over the crowd barrier. Roxxi comes back with rights, before dropping her face first across the steel steps.
AD BREAK
We’re back, and Kong is ninjaring with a pole. Kong just charges at her and boots her. Roxxi then hits some shots with the garbage can lid. Big boot for two. Roxxi sits the chair up, then drop toe holds Kong into it, before bulldogging her into it for two. Roxxi picks Kong up, only to get a Walker. Kong throws the chair down, then scoop slams Roxxi on it. Kong heads up to the second rope for a splash, only for Roxxi to move, leaving Kong to hit the chair. Roxxi gets two. She argues with the referee, and Kong gets up with the chair. Kong hits Roxxi with the chair, opening her up the hard way. Awesome Bomb ftw.
Winner: Awesome Kong
Rating: **1/2
Comments: A good match, but nothing too good.
Saeed sets up the two chairs, and then tells Kong to Awesome Bomb Roxxi onto them. ODB runs in for the save. ODB hits Mark ‘Slick’ Johnson with the chair. PWNT
We see Joe walking backstage. He’s preparing for his three opponents. I still say Rock n Rave Infection.
AD BREAK
Samoa Joe vs Johnny Devine
So it’s not a three on one handicap match? Oh well, I’m still willing to bet the other two will Rock and Rave. Devine starts off beating Joe with right hands. Death Valley Driver from Joe. Three.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Rating: DUD
Comments: Wow, what a squash
Samoa Joe vs Lance Rock w/ Jimmy Rave and Christy Hemme
AWW YEAH! BKB is looking good now. RnR in the house. DW says that Nash has chosen different styles of wrestlers. No DW, I’m sure they’re all jobbers. Rock starts off with rights. Joe hits rights. Joe sends Rock to the opposite corner. Rock hits an elbow. Goes for an elbow. Misses. Joe knocks Rave off the apron, jumping big boot, Rear Naked Choke, done.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Rating: DUD
Comments: LOL
Samoa Joe vs TOMKO?!?!?!
Wait ... what? I thought he was gone from TNA. He gets a small Tomko chant upon entering. Tomko and Joe face off, and the Tomko chant is pretty loud. Exchange of rights. They go into the corner, and Joe hits chops. Tomko gets out of the corner, and Joe hits a big running forearm. Tomko comes back with a big running WALKER! Tomko gets a chinlock. Joe fights out of it, and gets a superkick. Joe sets Tomko up for the Muscle Buster, but Tomko fights out with some rights. Tomko chops at Joe, only for an inverted atomic drop. Jumping big boot, senton, two. Snap powerslam, two. Tomko suddenly hits the Chokebomb, for the two. Tomko picks Joe up, then calls for the Jacknife lol. Back body drop from Joe. Tomko goes into the corner, and Joe charges in, only for Tomko to dodge. Joe goes into the turnbuckle. Tomko charges in, but gets the ST-Joe. Muscle Buster. Three.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Rating: *1/2
Comments: TOMKO?!?!?!?!?
Joe celebrates in the ring, and Nash comes in with a mic. He says Joe’s ready. Because you know, he beat two jobbers and a guy who isn’t even supposed to be in the company. Nash says he taught Joe all he knows, so now Joe’s on his own. They hug, and Joe cries like a little fat Samoan baby. Joe will have to do the backstage politics all alone now. UH OH!
AD BREAK
Beauty Contest
Fall #3
Talent Contest
Angelina Love w/ Kip James and Velvet Sky vs Taylor Wilde
Velvet makes a lame joke. Angelina makes a lame joke. Lol @ them stealing Jillian’s gimmick. They sing awfully. Taylor plays the drums.
Curry Man: Angelina Love
Shark Boy: Taylor Wilde
Super Eric: Taylor Wilde
Winner: Taylor Wilde
Rating: *
Comments: How predictable could it be?
Taylor slaps Kip, and the Beautiful People mug Taylor, while Kip holds the SUPER QUEEROS off. Rhino runs in and makes the save.
Cross The Line hype (cue chessarmy marking out).
Kurt Angle and Booker T vs Abyss and Matt Morgan
Angle takes a waist lock, but can’t do anything to Morgan. Morgan then squashes Angle in the corner. Sidewalk slam for two. Morgan tags in Abyss, who clubs Angle in the back. Abyss then hits rights on Angle. Angle rakes the eyes of Abyss, then nails a Euro uppercut. Angle runs off, but then catches a big boot from Abyss. Cover, only one though due to Booker breaking up the pin. Morgan comes in, and the faces clean house.
AD BREAK
We’re back, and Angle is hitting Morgan. Morgan tells him to bring it on, before scooping him up and slamming him down. Angle then hits a drop toe hold. Morgan crawls over to the ropes, and Booker hits some rights. Angle then tags him in, and Booker hits some more rights. Angle comes back in, and he kicks away at Morgan. Angle then lifts Morgan up, and goes for a suplex. Morgan counters though, and hits a suplex of his own. Morgan makes the tag, and Abyss cleans house with rights. He goes for a double chokeslam, but Angle and Booker escape and run off. Abyss hits a double clothesline. Abyss tries to chokeslam Booker, but Angle intercepts. Morgan bicycle kicks him out of the ring. Booker goes for the Scissors Kick in the ring, but Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam. The referee is out with Morgan, and Abyss can’t capitalise. 3D run in, and Devon hits Abyss with a chair. Angle gets the three.
Winners: Booker T and Kurt Angle
Rating: **
Comments: 3D were always coming
Sting is coming out ... NEXT!
AD BREAK
Back from le break (with le frog legs), and here comes Sting. He spells Jarrett’s name, and calls him out. He then calls Joe out. Joe is in the rafters. Ooooooo mind games. He talks trash, and says he isn’t going alone to No Surrender. Jarrett’s music plays. He is on top of the titan tron, with his guitar. Pyro goes off, as we end the show.
Overall Thoughts: It was better than last week’s, but that isn’t saying much. The finish wasn’t as good as last week’s with Jarrett, but this show seemed to be a lot more productive in terms of selling No Surrender. Still, not a great show.
Anyway, check out Soulpower’s Raw Review, TJ’s ECW Review, and Kaedon’s SmackDown! Review, as well as his NSZ. That’s me done for another week.