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Today's NBA Stars vs. 80's Wrestlers-The Throwdown
Written by boyd
Wednesday, 11 February 2009 05:39
I loved 80's Wrestling. You probably did too unlbobby the brain heenaness you were brain dead. Nothing beat getting up on Saturday mornings and watching steroid-ridden monsters duke it out for wrestling supremacy while being called "the greatest athletes in the world" by the likes of Guerilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. Eventually, I grew up, wrestling got worse, and I lost interest. I moved on to other sports, specifically the NBA.
The truth about the NBA is that basically you have to be a gigantic, physical freak to even be considered a prospect for the league. There are a few exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, it's a fact: NBA players are freaking enormous. In this way, the NBA is not unlike wrestling. Well, time passed and wrestling was in the back of my mind. Then, something happened: Youtube. All the old clips, promos and matches were now in one place, to be enjoyed and looked back upon with the fondest of nostalgia. But I could never give up the NBA. This got me to thinking. What if the giants from the NBA faced off against the behemoths from Wrestling? Of course, I'm talking about on the wrestling mat. No Wrestler could gaurd LeBron James, but you don't think LeBron James could beat all kinds of turd out of the Million Dollar Man and Virgil? Of course he could.
I decided to imagine what would happen if the best NBA players from today faced the best wrestlers from my childhood, throwdown style. I put my top 5 NBA ballers and 80's Wrestler's name's into a hat, and randomly drew them out to see who would match up. Then I put serious thought into who would win that matchup. I know, I am insane. Here are the results:
Dwight Howard vs. Andre The Giant
Howard: 6'11" 265 lbs.
Andre The Giant: 7'4" 540 lbs.
It's a well known fact that wrestling heights and weights are overstated. The Giant was probably 6'11" in real life. The 540 lbs. I wouldn't doubt. Andre would definitely struggle with Howard's speed and athleticism, but you can't win a wrestling match by jumping the highest and wearing a lame Superman cape. andre the giantAt some point, you have to come face to face with your opponent, and grapple fiercely. Here is where Andre would have the big advantage. Howard may be all muscles, but Andre had a strength unmatched. Imagine getting a rib-cracking bear hug from Andre. That has to be one of the most unpleasant experiences that don't include a rectum in the world. Dwight would try to use his excellent conditioning to wear down The Giant, but in the end, couldn't hold up to the pounding the Giant would give him. The Giant may have looked flabby, but in his heyday he had a stamina you wouldn't have believed. I see this ending only one way: Dwight Howard's near lifeless body would be lifted to the sky, only to be body slammed with the force of 10 men, as Andre slowly pinned him for the 1,2,3 count.
Kobe Bryant vs. Ric Flair
Bryant: 6'6" 205 lbs.
The Nature Boy: 6'1" 242 lbs.
This would be better than Frazier-Ali. Can you even imagine the trash talking that would ensue before this match? It's a fact: Ric Flair has the greatest Mic skills of any wrestler ever:
Kobe is pretty well-spoken and seems like he has that nasty edge, that cockiness that comes with greatness. Given ample time, I'm sure he could come up with a Promo that would be legendary. Once in the circled square, this would be speed vs. speed, strength vs. strength. Flair would have the weight advantage, and he would know how to use it, but Kobe is decepitvely strong for his size and I'm sure Flair would struggle with his length and quickness. Kobe is tough for sure, but I just don't know how he would deal with the Nature Boy's knowledge of pressure points, holds, and grapples. Bruce Bowen may be tough and dirty, but nothing in the NBA would compare to getting put in the figure 4 leg lock by Flair. How do I see this ending? With Kobe lying on the mat with blood streaming down his face after getting his dome caved in by a folding chair wielded by Flair. Kobe, however, would be the victor as the Ref(who Flair thought was unconscious), would see the chair incident and would disqualify a squawking Flair and award Bryant with the victory. Wooo!
Dwayne Wade vs. Macho Man Randy Savage
D-Wade:6'4" 216 lbs.
Macho Man: 6'2" 270 lbs.
Fall seven times, get up eight. Oh wait, you can't because Macho Man just exploded your face with an elbow from the top row. There's no way this turns out any way but extremely ugly for Wade. Macho Man was like a savage beast in the ring, and he would give up little athleticism to Wade. Wade would be in a world of hurt when Macho Man wrapped his gigantic arms around his neck. I love Wade, and think he's a tough son-of-a-gun, but Macho Man is big, strong, fast, and dirty. He will use his vast array of pokes, pulls, and grabs to get any advantage. Believe me, Dwayne Wade, getting knocked to the floor by a 7 footer is nothing compared to having Macho Man jump from the top row and drive his elbow into your midsection. And don't even think about looking at Miss Elizabeth. Nothing could put Macho into a rage like someone looking at Elizabeth. Oooooh Yeah. By the way, I put Ric Flair as the top Mic Skills in Pro Wrestling History, but if he's 1, Macho Man is 1A:
Chris Paul vs. The Ultimate Warrior
CP-3: 6'0" 175 lbs.
Ultimate Warrior: 6'2" 275 lbs.
I feel bad even writing this one, but Paul is a top 5 player in the league, and thus was put into this discussion. Could you even imagine this going down? Paul would basically ultimate warriorhave one option: Get destroyed. As if the 100 pound weight advantage weren't enough, they are 100 pounds of muscle. And Paul wouldn't just be facing The Warrior, he would be facing the Warrior on the juice, as he probably was his whole wrestling career. My only hope would be that the Warrior didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or that Paul didn't cut a wicked promo, riling the Warrior up, because I don't think Paul could survive more than one Gorilla Press Slam without actually dying. I know Paul is tough, and dirty, and not immune to punching an opposing player in the nards, but even if he cheated he would lose to the Warrior, unless his cheating involved shooting the Warrior with a real gun. (and I'd still only give him 2-1 odds on winning the match.)
LeBron James vs. Hulk Hogan
King James: 6'8" 250 lbs.
Hulk Hogan: 6'7" 302 lbs.
No way LeBron is only 250. That dude is at least 270 right now. That makes a big difference. When picturing this epic clash of the Titans, you can't see Hulk as the balding, flabbier guy who wrestled in the 90's. You have to see him as he was in hulk the 80's. (click on his name if you forgot what that looked like.) These two are simply specimens. The funny thing is, they probably have roughly the same amount of wrestling skill, as I don't think Hogan ever bothered to learn any real moves, but this would be a battle Zeus himself would have to attend. And I'm not talking about the guy who played Deebo in Friday, who was also a short-lived wrestler named Zeus, I'm talking about the Greek God Zeus. I think LeBron would have the edge in athleticism and length, but Hogan would have the strength edge. It would be close on all accounts. I picture LeBron getting out to a big lead, and even getting Hulk on the verge of a couple of disputed 3 counts, but in the end, the Hulkamaniacs (one writing this article) would pull Hulk through, as he would "Hulk Up" and lay some wicked chops into the chest of LeBron, then drop him with the big leg. You may be King on the basketball court, LeBron, but no one beats Hulk Hogan in wrestling unless Hulk Hogan says so to enhance the script. Got it?
Ok. That was insane. Perhaps in the future, I'll do a Tag Team edition. Please, weigh in with your opinions/comments.
Today's NBA Stars vs. 80's Wrestlers-The Throwdown
Written by boyd
Wednesday, 11 February 2009 05:39
I loved 80's Wrestling. You probably did too unlbobby the brain heenaness you were brain dead. Nothing beat getting up on Saturday mornings and watching steroid-ridden monsters duke it out for wrestling supremacy while being called "the greatest athletes in the world" by the likes of Guerilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. Eventually, I grew up, wrestling got worse, and I lost interest. I moved on to other sports, specifically the NBA.
The truth about the NBA is that basically you have to be a gigantic, physical freak to even be considered a prospect for the league. There are a few exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, it's a fact: NBA players are freaking enormous. In this way, the NBA is not unlike wrestling. Well, time passed and wrestling was in the back of my mind. Then, something happened: Youtube. All the old clips, promos and matches were now in one place, to be enjoyed and looked back upon with the fondest of nostalgia. But I could never give up the NBA. This got me to thinking. What if the giants from the NBA faced off against the behemoths from Wrestling? Of course, I'm talking about on the wrestling mat. No Wrestler could gaurd LeBron James, but you don't think LeBron James could beat all kinds of turd out of the Million Dollar Man and Virgil? Of course he could.
I decided to imagine what would happen if the best NBA players from today faced the best wrestlers from my childhood, throwdown style. I put my top 5 NBA ballers and 80's Wrestler's name's into a hat, and randomly drew them out to see who would match up. Then I put serious thought into who would win that matchup. I know, I am insane. Here are the results:
Dwight Howard vs. Andre The Giant
Howard: 6'11" 265 lbs.
Andre The Giant: 7'4" 540 lbs.
It's a well known fact that wrestling heights and weights are overstated. The Giant was probably 6'11" in real life. The 540 lbs. I wouldn't doubt. Andre would definitely struggle with Howard's speed and athleticism, but you can't win a wrestling match by jumping the highest and wearing a lame Superman cape. andre the giantAt some point, you have to come face to face with your opponent, and grapple fiercely. Here is where Andre would have the big advantage. Howard may be all muscles, but Andre had a strength unmatched. Imagine getting a rib-cracking bear hug from Andre. That has to be one of the most unpleasant experiences that don't include a rectum in the world. Dwight would try to use his excellent conditioning to wear down The Giant, but in the end, couldn't hold up to the pounding the Giant would give him. The Giant may have looked flabby, but in his heyday he had a stamina you wouldn't have believed. I see this ending only one way: Dwight Howard's near lifeless body would be lifted to the sky, only to be body slammed with the force of 10 men, as Andre slowly pinned him for the 1,2,3 count.
Kobe Bryant vs. Ric Flair
Bryant: 6'6" 205 lbs.
The Nature Boy: 6'1" 242 lbs.
This would be better than Frazier-Ali. Can you even imagine the trash talking that would ensue before this match? It's a fact: Ric Flair has the greatest Mic skills of any wrestler ever:
Kobe is pretty well-spoken and seems like he has that nasty edge, that cockiness that comes with greatness. Given ample time, I'm sure he could come up with a Promo that would be legendary. Once in the circled square, this would be speed vs. speed, strength vs. strength. Flair would have the weight advantage, and he would know how to use it, but Kobe is decepitvely strong for his size and I'm sure Flair would struggle with his length and quickness. Kobe is tough for sure, but I just don't know how he would deal with the Nature Boy's knowledge of pressure points, holds, and grapples. Bruce Bowen may be tough and dirty, but nothing in the NBA would compare to getting put in the figure 4 leg lock by Flair. How do I see this ending? With Kobe lying on the mat with blood streaming down his face after getting his dome caved in by a folding chair wielded by Flair. Kobe, however, would be the victor as the Ref(who Flair thought was unconscious), would see the chair incident and would disqualify a squawking Flair and award Bryant with the victory. Wooo!
Dwayne Wade vs. Macho Man Randy Savage
D-Wade:6'4" 216 lbs.
Macho Man: 6'2" 270 lbs.
Fall seven times, get up eight. Oh wait, you can't because Macho Man just exploded your face with an elbow from the top row. There's no way this turns out any way but extremely ugly for Wade. Macho Man was like a savage beast in the ring, and he would give up little athleticism to Wade. Wade would be in a world of hurt when Macho Man wrapped his gigantic arms around his neck. I love Wade, and think he's a tough son-of-a-gun, but Macho Man is big, strong, fast, and dirty. He will use his vast array of pokes, pulls, and grabs to get any advantage. Believe me, Dwayne Wade, getting knocked to the floor by a 7 footer is nothing compared to having Macho Man jump from the top row and drive his elbow into your midsection. And don't even think about looking at Miss Elizabeth. Nothing could put Macho into a rage like someone looking at Elizabeth. Oooooh Yeah. By the way, I put Ric Flair as the top Mic Skills in Pro Wrestling History, but if he's 1, Macho Man is 1A:
Chris Paul vs. The Ultimate Warrior
CP-3: 6'0" 175 lbs.
Ultimate Warrior: 6'2" 275 lbs.
I feel bad even writing this one, but Paul is a top 5 player in the league, and thus was put into this discussion. Could you even imagine this going down? Paul would basically ultimate warriorhave one option: Get destroyed. As if the 100 pound weight advantage weren't enough, they are 100 pounds of muscle. And Paul wouldn't just be facing The Warrior, he would be facing the Warrior on the juice, as he probably was his whole wrestling career. My only hope would be that the Warrior didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or that Paul didn't cut a wicked promo, riling the Warrior up, because I don't think Paul could survive more than one Gorilla Press Slam without actually dying. I know Paul is tough, and dirty, and not immune to punching an opposing player in the nards, but even if he cheated he would lose to the Warrior, unless his cheating involved shooting the Warrior with a real gun. (and I'd still only give him 2-1 odds on winning the match.)
LeBron James vs. Hulk Hogan
King James: 6'8" 250 lbs.
Hulk Hogan: 6'7" 302 lbs.
No way LeBron is only 250. That dude is at least 270 right now. That makes a big difference. When picturing this epic clash of the Titans, you can't see Hulk as the balding, flabbier guy who wrestled in the 90's. You have to see him as he was in hulk the 80's. (click on his name if you forgot what that looked like.) These two are simply specimens. The funny thing is, they probably have roughly the same amount of wrestling skill, as I don't think Hogan ever bothered to learn any real moves, but this would be a battle Zeus himself would have to attend. And I'm not talking about the guy who played Deebo in Friday, who was also a short-lived wrestler named Zeus, I'm talking about the Greek God Zeus. I think LeBron would have the edge in athleticism and length, but Hogan would have the strength edge. It would be close on all accounts. I picture LeBron getting out to a big lead, and even getting Hulk on the verge of a couple of disputed 3 counts, but in the end, the Hulkamaniacs (one writing this article) would pull Hulk through, as he would "Hulk Up" and lay some wicked chops into the chest of LeBron, then drop him with the big leg. You may be King on the basketball court, LeBron, but no one beats Hulk Hogan in wrestling unless Hulk Hogan says so to enhance the script. Got it?
Ok. That was insane. Perhaps in the future, I'll do a Tag Team edition. Please, weigh in with your opinions/comments.
