I only need 2 more names and this Rumble lineup will be set

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the 2nd (perhaps annual?) Royal WrestlingSmarks Rumble Match! The rules are simple…”

Just then, an audience member throws a can of beer at the ring announcer's head and knocks him out. Shit. How are they supposed to know the rules now? Oh well, just figure it as we go along I guess. Its time for entrant number one to make his way out!

Entrant #1: Ernest “The Cat” Miller

“I'M THE GREATEST!” The tune of “The Cat” plays through the arena. He does a little number in the middle of the ring to the tune of his entrance music before it turns off and the music of Number 2 starts to play.

Entrant #2: Rikishi

“You look flyyy 2 day.” Number 2 in the Rumble is Rikishi. Him and Ernest look each other over. They get real close. Rikishi pulls out a pair of shades, never taking his eyes away from Miller. Miller looks at the shades, takes them and puts them on. The music starts playing again and they do the Too Cool dance in the middle of the ring because why not. Rikishi ends the dance with a superkick. Bell rings and our Rumble is underway. Rikishi throws his weight around, but Ernest thrust kicks Rikishi off his feet and poses, ready to fuck big man Keesh up.

Entrant #3: King Kong Bundy

Humpty dumpty himself makes his way to the ring, and he tries to bully Ernest, but he gets fucked up too because he knows KA-RA-TE! Bundy and Rikishi run at each other with Miller in between them, squashing the Karate master between them before they start to fight.

Entrant #4: Shannon Moore

Moore comes in at a real awkward time. He springboards inside and double dropkicks the big men, but he gets annihilated by Bundy.

Entrant #5: Jimmy Wang Yang

But never fear, here comes Jimmy Wang Yang! Him and Shannon Moore team up cause they were tag partners which I didn't know until they were suggested for this match. They double dropkick Rikishi before hitting Bundy with a couple. Bundy stumbles back on the ropes, allowing Ernest Miller to thrust kick Bundy over the ropes and on the floor.

Entrant #6: Will Ospreay

“ELEVATED! EL-ELEVAT-” oh sorry. Anyway, Ospreay comes in and he pulls off some sweet flippy shit against Moore and Yang while Miller desperately tries to lift Rikishi's big ass out the ring. I think if they were able to pull off a double standing Spanish Fly, that'd look sick as hell.

Entrant #7: Lance Storm

Remember when Ospreay called Canadians assholes? Well Lance Storm took that seriously. Storm comes in and him and Ospreay have a nice mini-match. Shannon Moore tries to get between them and is eliminated by Ospreay.

Entrant #8: Booker T

Booker comes in the ring and he tosses Jimmy out. He comes face to face with Ernest Miller, who tries to KA-RA-TE Booker. But Booker ducks under a kick and thrust kicks Miller over the ropes. The Cat is out.

Entrant #9: Bam Neely

I'm gonna be upfront with you. I have never seen this man wrestle. Like… what does he even do? I imagine its typical big guy stuff. But anyway, he throws his weight around and is eliminated quick by Rikishi. But not until after he's gotten THE STANKFACE!

Entrant #10: Zach Gowen

One of only 2 people to be in last year's Rumble and I have a feeling I know the reason why. Shame on you… anyway, he chucks his prosthetic leg at Lance Storm and comes off the top rope on Ospreay with a crossbody.

Entrant #11: Paul Roma

Roma runs to the ring and does… Paul Roma things. All the while flexing his muscles. He tries to muscle Rikishi over but nah son, he ain't getting him over. Meanwhile, Ospreay is hanging on by a thread as Booker and Storm try to throw him out.

Entrant #12: Adam Bomb

The diet Kevin Nash makes his way out and he starts bullying Zach Gowen because why not. And then he starts fighting with Roma. But thankfully for Roma, he has a friend coming.

Entrant #13: Hercules

Herc comes out, his muscles bulging in the sun or something. Him and Roma start working together, they overpower Adam, before they go after Booker and then Ospreay. They're about to throw Adam out when the countdown starts and out comes…

Entrant #14: Crush

Crush runs in, he saves Adam by throwing Herc and Roma out at the same time. Adam manages to hang on. Him and Crush look like they're about to fight. But then they start teaming up. Its KroniK forming before our eyes! They start double teaming guys, Ospreay, Booker, poor Zach Gowen. They double Chokeslam Rikishi before working together to lift him up and over the ropes. Big man Keesh is gone. They catch Ospreay out of a springboard and drop him back first over their knees. Kronik is looking good. As the countdown starts, they await who number 15 is.

Entrant #15: The Undertaker

Undertaker gets in, remembers that really bad Kronik match at Unforgiven and says “hell no.” He gets in and Kronik try to work together against him. But Undertaker fights back rather easily. Must have used up their energy lifting Rikishi and his huge ass over the ropes. Undertaker hits both men with a double Chokeslam. Undertaker goes buck wild on the rest of the field and Zach Gowen out. Buuuuut… only one foot touched the… I made this joke last time. Taker tosses his prosthetic out with him. Gowen is gone. Undertaker comes face to face with Will Ospreay who tries for an Oscutter, only for Undertaker to counter it into a Tombstone position, but Ospreay is saved by a Superkick from Lance Storm. Then the countdown starts.

Entrant #16: Tyson Tomko

Big man Tomko runs down and targets Booker T. Eh, he don't add much to the field. Crush and Adam Bomb double team Undertaker while Ospreay and Storm are back at each other's necks. Enough time passes for the next entrant.

Entrant #17: Rhea Ripley

Like Zach Gowen, Rhea was also in last year's Rumble and made it all the way to the final 2. Ripley deflects a superkick from Storm and hits a step-up knee before she lifts him up and throws him out. Kronik try to double chokeslam her, but she's saved by Taker, who eliminates Adam. Rhea gives Undertaker a grin and shrugs her shoulders before putting her fists up. Undertaker turns around as if he's not taking this seriously. Which pisses Ripley off, so she turns him around gives him a forearm to the face. So he Chokeslams her for her troubles.

Entrant #18: Max Moon

When I see this man, all I can think of is a toilet. But its appropriate his name is Max Moon because he's getting pushed to the MOON BROTHER! Max bulldozes the competition, he goes ape shit. He makes the entire field tremble before him…! Nah. But his outfit does get Booker T to make one of his famous faces.

Entrant #19: Hardcore Holly

Alabama’s Robert Holly. He gets in the ring, he dukes it out with Crush while Booker T throws Max out of the ring, all while still making a flabbergasted face.

Entrant #20: DDP

The people's champion makes his way in and instead of jobbing out to Undertaker, he runs into Tomko and drops him with a Diamond Cutter after ducking a big boot. He clotheslines Tomko out of the ring. Then runs into Undertaker, who grabs him by the throat, but Ripley low blows him from behind, allowing DDP to drop Taker with a Diamond Cutter.

Entrant #21: Big Boss Man

Which Boss Man is it? Obviously its Attitude Era Boss Man with the shades and the cool theme song. He runs in and immediately uses his nightstick on DDP. Then Ospreay, then Booker. Because why not. Might as well put the No DQ stip to use. This man don't even hesitate when he gets to Rhea.

Entrant #22: Shaquille O'Neal

The Shaq himself is here! He comes down, dribbling a basketball. Boss Man charges him with the nightstick and Shaq just chucks the basketball at his face. Crush squares up to Shaq. Shaq grabs Crush by the face, just pie faces him over the ropes to the floor. Undertaker comes face to face with Shaq. Undertaker grabs Shaq and just Chokeslams him, spoiling the fun.

Entrant #23: Julia Hart

The 2nd woman to compete in the Rumble. Julia stands before Undertaker and smiles before bowing her head. Julia grabs the nearby nightstick and begins beating Rhea with it. Undertaker eliminates Shaq in the meantime. Julia is confronted by Boss Man, so she takes his knees out from under him with the stick.

Entrant #24: Matt Cardona

Cardona comes in with a head of steam. He goes after everyone, including Julia. He gives a Radio Silence to Ospreay, Booker, Holly. He grabs the nightstick uses it on Boss Man before throwing him out.

Entrant #25: Bad News Brown

Bad News comes in and he targets Booker T, DDP, basically anyone who gets in his way. But meanwhile, Julia and Rhea make eye contact with each other from across the ring and spot the nightstick in the middle of the ring. They each grab it and begin a tug-o-war. But Rhea wins that and starts beating Julia with it as payback. Rhea picks her up for the Riptide, but Julia manages to reverse that into Heartless.

Entrant #26: D'Lo Brown

“YOU LOOKIN’ AT THE REAL DEAL NOW!” D'Lo head bobs his way down to the ring and goes at it with the other Brown in the ring (that doesn't sound racist at all). There can only be one Brown. (I have got to stop). Bad News and D'Lo fight while Rhea gets out of Heartless and drops Julia with a Riptide.

Entrant #27: Jeff Jarrett

Which version of Jeff Jarrett? Lets go with “MY WORLD!” Jeff, of course doesn't come alone. He's got a guitar with him. He gets in without it and goes after Booker, who's been in the match a while at this point. Booker fights back for a bit before he's thrown over by Jarrett, who flashes a double peace sign. He turns to get a Radio Silence by Cardona. Also within this time. Rhea is about to throw Julia out. But Julia hangs on like a spider monkey. Undertaker is trying to dump DDP out, but is having no luck as we come down to the wire.

Entrant #28: Randy Orton

Orton is 3rd from last and immediately starts laying people out with RKOs. He throws Holly out. DDP goes for a Diamond Cutter, but Orton reverses that into an RKO. Undertaker goes to Chokeslam him, but Orton reverses it into an RKO.

Entrant #29: Sycho Sid

Sid is out next and as Bad News charges him, Sid grabs him by the throat, he throws him over the ropes, taking him out before he drops D'Lo with a Powerbomb and throws him out. Sid Chokeslams Orton and Julia goes up for a Moonsault, but Orton catches her with an RKO. Orton dumps Julia out. Rhea turns him around and he drops her with an RKO too because he is not above it. And then the countdown starts and number 30 is about to come out…

Entrant #30: Specifically 2022 Royal Rumble Shane McMahon.

The audience starts booing and throwing garbage at spray tan McMahon and of course, he's gotta have a good showing. So he eliminates DDP first, taking out the people’s champ. Shane hits some horrible punches here and there. With DDP's elimination, we are down to the final 8. And boy does it rule. In this time we get some confrontations. Jeff Jarrett hits Sid over the head with his guitar. Allowing Cardona to clothesline him out to the floor. Final 7. Rhea hits Jarrett with a Riptide before throwing him out. Final 6. Cardona takes on Undertaker and nearly gets him out. But Undertaker takes him out. Final 5.

Orton and Will Ospreay have a mini match in the middle of the ring. Ospreay goes for the standing 450, corkscrew combo, but Orton gets up and preps an RKO. But Ospreay fakes Randy out and lands on his feet. Ospreay shoves Orton off an RKO attempt, and hits an Oscutter before throwing him out. Final 4.

Undertaker goes to Last Ride Ospreay, but Ospreay lands on his feet behind him and superkicks Taker from behind, while Rhea comes in and superkicks him from the front at the exact same time. Together, they eliminate Taker. Final 3.

Shane McMahon DDTs Rhea and back body drops Ospreay over the top rope. Only one of Will's feet hits the floor. Ospreay gets back in and throws Shane out.

And like that, we're down to 2. Will Ospreay and Rhea Ripley, which is a match I'd actually pay to see. So they have a final 2 where they hold nothing back. Will hits her, she hits back just as hard. She goes for a German suplex, but Ospreay lands on his feet and elbows her in the back of the head. She seems to be out but as he's about to take to throw her over, she throws him over. He lands on the apron and she knocks headbutts him off to the floor.

Your winner is Rhea “Bloody” Ripley!