THE Brian Kendrick's Biceps
Guest
And we’re back! Welcome everyone to the BKB TNA iMPACT! Review. What do we have on tap for tonight? Cage vs AJ is all I know. Sting may choose to pop up, and no doubt we will see a guitar.
We start off with Sting mouthing off from last week. They portray Sting as the bad guy.
We start off iMPACT! with Kurt Angle coming out to his gangsta rap yo. HE BE SOOOO DOOOOPPPPPPEEEE!~ m i rit Famou$? Before Angle even starts talking here comes KING BOOKAH! heels unite, right TSS? Angle says he and Bookah look like real World Champions! Everything Sting said was directed at Joe. OMG ANGLE SAID M I RIT! Booker tells us Sting spoke the truth. His English accent slips in and out. At least he doesn’t sound Mexican this week. Wait a minute .... didn’t Angle wanna bone Sharmell before? He raped her or something. Why are they in the ring together? And why is Kurt Angle complaining about Karen cheating on him when he raped Sharmell? I’m lost. I’m not even paying attention to the promo at this point. Here comes Christian Cage, bringing me back into things. Lol, three former WWE guys. Had to point it out, sorry. Christian Cage: he always brings the promo goodness! Until he pisses Bookah off that is. Cage is a pooputtfairytaledreamin something. I couldn’t actually understand what Bookah said after that. Bookah then tells Cage to join him and Kurt. Cage calls Bookah Whoopi Goldberg. I swear Sharmell was saying, “O NO YOU DID NT!†Angle goes after Cage on the ramp. Cage moves it into the ring, and dominates until the numbers take over. AJ Styles comes in and cleans house. Kurt says neither Cage nor AJ will make it to No Surrender. Cornette comes out and tells Angle and Bookah to gtfo.
JB is backstage with Samoa Joe. Samoa Joe says he will discombobulate Big Sexy ... and Sting.
AD BREAK
Creed hype.
Sheik Abdul Bashir is backstage with Lauren. He speaks some random language, then speaks English. He slips in and out. They try to make him seem like a terrorist as much as possible.
Number One Contender Match for the X Title
Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Consequences Creed
Creed takes the arm of Bashir early, and just pulls on it. Bashir comes back by slamming Creed down by the hair, before brutalising him with rights. Back suplex for two. Bashir slaps on a chinlock. Creed fights up and hits some elbows. Creed runs off but gets caught in a sleeper. He turns the tables and gets his own sleeper. Bashir pushes Creed off and they hit heads. Creed comes back with right hands, elbows, jabs, and a big right. Two count. Big jumping Walker for two. Bashir goes to the corner and Creed charges across, going for a stinger splash. Bashir sidesteps it, then rolls him into a pin and puts his feet on the ropes ftfakew.
Fake Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir
And ... the referee restarts it. Creed goes for a sunset flip, but Bashir holds the ropes. The referee kicks his arms, and Creed gets the three.
Winner (and Number One Contender for the X Title): Consequences Creed
Rating: *
Comments: That sucked dick. These guys can do much better.
Bashir slaps the referee. What the hell, the referee unloads! Right hands! Chops. Back body drop! Walker over the top rope! Wait ... so a referee can outwrestle a wrestler?
JB is backstage with NASH!~ Nash says Sting is right, and he hopes Joe will listen to him.
AD BREAK
Beer Money Inc are backstage with Lauren. They are in the TNA game! JAMES STORM! They’re going to make money of the game! It will sell millions! Here come the Super Queeros! They’re saving the kids. Roode: Screw the kids! Mat: HELL YEAH! Curry Man has some pwnage comedy. I love this character. Shark Boy starts to mouth off, and we get a brawl!
Over to ringside! Hype for the rest of the show.
Abyss hype.
TNA show a Slammiversary video package. Lol @ the wedding. Oh how awful it was.
AD BREAK
We’re back with the Beautiful People. Kip is being super fabulous. He even put the lisp on. I really like the way Velvet and Angeline go about their promos. Angelina vs Taylor in a Beauty Pageant? Can’t it be Velvet? =/
TNA Knockout’s hype.
Beer Money Inc vs Super Queeros
Forty five minutes in, and we are getting our second match. The first one only went for five minutes. It’s Shark Boy and Super Eric ... no Curry Man. Dammit! He’s having sex with Christy Hemme backstage! I’d tap it. Sharky starts off like a house on fire, until Storm hits some sort of move I have no name for. He tags in Roode, who just tees off with right hands. Face first into the mat for two from Roode. Sharky comes back, and hits a knee to the jaw. Sharky makes the tag, but the ref doesn’t see. Double suplex!~ Rock and Rave Infection are pwning Curry backstage. Eric Young comes in and cleans house. Shark Boy gets the Last Call while the referee is with Young. Payoff ftw!
Winners: Beer Money Inc
Rating: *
Comments: WE WANT CURRY MAN!
Hernandez comes out and Beer Money run. Homicide is behind them, and he throws both men in the ring. LAX dominate Beer Money. Ace Crusher to finish from Cide.
AD BREAK
Abyss Open Challenge
Hardcore Match
Abyss vs Johnny Devine
Team 3D and Johnny Devine come out with weapons. Ray mouths off, and volunteers Devine. Hardcore rules. Devine uses a street sign to no affect. Right hand downs him. Ray distracts Abyss and hits him with the trash can. Abyss just stands through it, before throwing Devine over the top rope. Ray distracts Abyss and Devine grabs a steel chair. It causes Abyss to stagger, but he then punches it into Devine’s head. Chokeslam. Abyss grabs the chair and starts to go crazy. He starts to swing, then stops. Low blow from Ray, and Team 3D start to stomp on Abyss. The referee gets thrown out by Devine, as the beatdown continues. Matt Morgan runs down and cleans house. Rights for all! Kicks Devine off the apron. Morgan hands Abyss the chair, and Abyss throws it down.
Winner: Funaki
Rating: ½*
Comments: Gay
Promo ... ODB taking a shit. Lame fat sounds in the background. This isn’t a joke. She took a thirty second power drive, then left.
AD BREAK
Raisha Saeed vs ODB
Apparently, Kong is barred from ringside, as decided by Cornette. Wasn’t Traci in charge of the women? ODB pulls Saeed out of the ring and brutalises her. Saeed comes back and slams her into the crowd barrier. ODB comes back and throws Saeed apron. ODB climbs up on the apron after rolling Saeed into the ring, only for Saeed to dropkick her off and into the crowd barrier. Saeed goes and gets ODB from ringside, then rolls her in for a two. Chinlock, then some pulling of the hair and squashing of face. Saeed with a right, then some stomps. Saeed hits a scoop slam, then goes up top slowly. Moonsault, but ODB rolls out of the way. ODB hits some Walker’s. Fallaway slam. Kip up. She goes and gets her flask, before boozing. ODB gets Saeed up, Powerslam, three.
Winner: ODB
Rating: *1/2
Comments: Wow, another boring match.
ODB tries to unmask Saeed, which is really anti muslim. Saeed rolls out of the ring, but ODB keeps going. Saeed slips off to the back, and ODB follows. ODB comes back out and has the mask. Kong assaults her suddenly from behind. Kong scoops ODB up and slams her into the ringpost.
AD BREAK
Implant buster from Kong on ODB. Saeed (masked) brings her some chairs. Roxxi comes in and grabs a chair. They have a Star Wars battle. Roxxi wins, knocking Kong’s light saber away. Saeed jumps her from behind, and Kong takes over. Kong places the chair down, before hitting the Awesome Bomb on the chair.
AD BREAK
We get some No Surrender advertising.
JB is backstage with AJ. And ... the promo isn’t about Cage. It’s about Sting. AJ is pissed. He says he shouldn’t have listened to Sting. He then says he will beat Cage and win the title.
AD BREAK
Four Way To Glory Qualifier
Christian Cage vs AJ Styles
Lock up. AJ takes a waist lock on Cage. Cage gets a drop toe hold, then a front face lock. AJ takes the arm of Cage, then takes a headlock. Cage pushes AJ off but gets taken down with a tackle. Lock up, headlock from Cage, shoulder tackle, one before AJ kicks out. Kick from Cage. Inside cradle for two from AJ. A whole bunch of two counts. Kick from AJ and a chop. Headlock. Cage comes back. Backflip from AJ. AJ sets up the dropkick, but Cage holds the ropes. AJ runs over and sends him over with an elbow. AJ goes to jump on Cage, but Cage slides into the ring, leaving AJ to land on the apron. Cage goes at AJ only to catch a shoulder block. Cage sends AJ out to the floor. Cage then jumps at AJ, but crashes and burns when AJ slides into the ring. AJ hits a hurrancanrana on the outside.
AD BREAK
Cage hits a neckbreaker as we come back for two. AJ goes for some chops, but Cage tales back over. Snapmare and kick to the back. AJ gets up and Cage starts chopping away. AJ reverses and starts with his own chops. Cage comes back with a kick. He sends AJ into the corner, but AJ scores an elbow. AJ comes for the moonsault into a reverse DDT. Cage counters with rights. AJ comes back and goes for the move again, and scores for two. Both get yup and exchange rights. Cage runs at AJ, leapfrog, drop down, dropkick. Walker! Elbow. Cage gets up in the corner, and AJ charges in, with Cage dodging, leaving AJ to hit the buckle. Cage comes back and hits a Walker. Missed frog splash. Styles Clash countered. Unprettier countered. Back suplex countered. Pele! AJ goes to the apron and springboards in, missing. AJ rolls through and comes at Cage, catching a corkscrew elbow for two. Cage goes up top, but AJ goes after him. Superplex attempt, but Cage pushes AJ off and goes straight for the frog splash. Two! Cage pulls AJ up, when AJ sends Cage out of the ring. Cage goes up top. AJ turns around and gets him with a right. AJ goes up and both men exchange right. Back body drop off the top from AJ. Spiral Tap ... MISSES! Unprettier? Pushed off into the ref. He’s down. Here comes Frank Trigg. AJ gets hit with the kendo stick. Cage gets up and sees AJ groggy. Unprettier. Three.
Winner: Christian Cage
Rating: ***1/2
Comments: Finally, something worth watching. This was awesome, despite the screwy finish.
Jeff Jarrett hype.
Sting talks ... next!
AD BREAK
Sting hype.
Sting comes out and plays to the crowd like a face. OK .... Sting plays this up like a face. He sucks up to the crowd. Sting has the crowd behind him over Joe lulz. Here comes Joe. He says he’s going to fuck Sting up. Sting tells Joe to hit him with the baseball bat. Joe says he doesn’t need his bat, nor does he need his respect. Sting has a ... nightstick? It’s weaker than the baseball bat. Jeez. NASH!~ He says it ain’t gotta be like this man. Nash says no weapons, and suddenly Sting hits Joe with the baseball bat and hits the Scorpion Death Drop. Jarrett’s music hits, and Sting calls him out for next week. With that we go out.
Overall Thoughts: This was shit. Absolute shit. One worthwhile match. The rest weren’t even worth two stars. Joe did shit all with his actual challengers, instead he’s worrying about Sting. That won’t sell No Surrender. If you’re thinking about dl’ing ... watch some porn instead.
Alright everyone, you know the drill. Check out Soulpower’s Raw Review, and Kaedon’s NSZ. No other reviews up this week. That’s me done for another week.
We start off with Sting mouthing off from last week. They portray Sting as the bad guy.
We start off iMPACT! with Kurt Angle coming out to his gangsta rap yo. HE BE SOOOO DOOOOPPPPPPEEEE!~ m i rit Famou$? Before Angle even starts talking here comes KING BOOKAH! heels unite, right TSS? Angle says he and Bookah look like real World Champions! Everything Sting said was directed at Joe. OMG ANGLE SAID M I RIT! Booker tells us Sting spoke the truth. His English accent slips in and out. At least he doesn’t sound Mexican this week. Wait a minute .... didn’t Angle wanna bone Sharmell before? He raped her or something. Why are they in the ring together? And why is Kurt Angle complaining about Karen cheating on him when he raped Sharmell? I’m lost. I’m not even paying attention to the promo at this point. Here comes Christian Cage, bringing me back into things. Lol, three former WWE guys. Had to point it out, sorry. Christian Cage: he always brings the promo goodness! Until he pisses Bookah off that is. Cage is a pooputtfairytaledreamin something. I couldn’t actually understand what Bookah said after that. Bookah then tells Cage to join him and Kurt. Cage calls Bookah Whoopi Goldberg. I swear Sharmell was saying, “O NO YOU DID NT!†Angle goes after Cage on the ramp. Cage moves it into the ring, and dominates until the numbers take over. AJ Styles comes in and cleans house. Kurt says neither Cage nor AJ will make it to No Surrender. Cornette comes out and tells Angle and Bookah to gtfo.
JB is backstage with Samoa Joe. Samoa Joe says he will discombobulate Big Sexy ... and Sting.
AD BREAK
Creed hype.
Sheik Abdul Bashir is backstage with Lauren. He speaks some random language, then speaks English. He slips in and out. They try to make him seem like a terrorist as much as possible.
Number One Contender Match for the X Title
Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Consequences Creed
Creed takes the arm of Bashir early, and just pulls on it. Bashir comes back by slamming Creed down by the hair, before brutalising him with rights. Back suplex for two. Bashir slaps on a chinlock. Creed fights up and hits some elbows. Creed runs off but gets caught in a sleeper. He turns the tables and gets his own sleeper. Bashir pushes Creed off and they hit heads. Creed comes back with right hands, elbows, jabs, and a big right. Two count. Big jumping Walker for two. Bashir goes to the corner and Creed charges across, going for a stinger splash. Bashir sidesteps it, then rolls him into a pin and puts his feet on the ropes ftfakew.
Fake Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir
And ... the referee restarts it. Creed goes for a sunset flip, but Bashir holds the ropes. The referee kicks his arms, and Creed gets the three.
Winner (and Number One Contender for the X Title): Consequences Creed
Rating: *
Comments: That sucked dick. These guys can do much better.
Bashir slaps the referee. What the hell, the referee unloads! Right hands! Chops. Back body drop! Walker over the top rope! Wait ... so a referee can outwrestle a wrestler?
JB is backstage with NASH!~ Nash says Sting is right, and he hopes Joe will listen to him.
AD BREAK
Beer Money Inc are backstage with Lauren. They are in the TNA game! JAMES STORM! They’re going to make money of the game! It will sell millions! Here come the Super Queeros! They’re saving the kids. Roode: Screw the kids! Mat: HELL YEAH! Curry Man has some pwnage comedy. I love this character. Shark Boy starts to mouth off, and we get a brawl!
Over to ringside! Hype for the rest of the show.
Abyss hype.
TNA show a Slammiversary video package. Lol @ the wedding. Oh how awful it was.
AD BREAK
We’re back with the Beautiful People. Kip is being super fabulous. He even put the lisp on. I really like the way Velvet and Angeline go about their promos. Angelina vs Taylor in a Beauty Pageant? Can’t it be Velvet? =/
TNA Knockout’s hype.
Beer Money Inc vs Super Queeros
Forty five minutes in, and we are getting our second match. The first one only went for five minutes. It’s Shark Boy and Super Eric ... no Curry Man. Dammit! He’s having sex with Christy Hemme backstage! I’d tap it. Sharky starts off like a house on fire, until Storm hits some sort of move I have no name for. He tags in Roode, who just tees off with right hands. Face first into the mat for two from Roode. Sharky comes back, and hits a knee to the jaw. Sharky makes the tag, but the ref doesn’t see. Double suplex!~ Rock and Rave Infection are pwning Curry backstage. Eric Young comes in and cleans house. Shark Boy gets the Last Call while the referee is with Young. Payoff ftw!
Winners: Beer Money Inc
Rating: *
Comments: WE WANT CURRY MAN!
Hernandez comes out and Beer Money run. Homicide is behind them, and he throws both men in the ring. LAX dominate Beer Money. Ace Crusher to finish from Cide.
AD BREAK
Abyss Open Challenge
Hardcore Match
Abyss vs Johnny Devine
Team 3D and Johnny Devine come out with weapons. Ray mouths off, and volunteers Devine. Hardcore rules. Devine uses a street sign to no affect. Right hand downs him. Ray distracts Abyss and hits him with the trash can. Abyss just stands through it, before throwing Devine over the top rope. Ray distracts Abyss and Devine grabs a steel chair. It causes Abyss to stagger, but he then punches it into Devine’s head. Chokeslam. Abyss grabs the chair and starts to go crazy. He starts to swing, then stops. Low blow from Ray, and Team 3D start to stomp on Abyss. The referee gets thrown out by Devine, as the beatdown continues. Matt Morgan runs down and cleans house. Rights for all! Kicks Devine off the apron. Morgan hands Abyss the chair, and Abyss throws it down.
Winner: Funaki
Rating: ½*
Comments: Gay
Promo ... ODB taking a shit. Lame fat sounds in the background. This isn’t a joke. She took a thirty second power drive, then left.
AD BREAK
Raisha Saeed vs ODB
Apparently, Kong is barred from ringside, as decided by Cornette. Wasn’t Traci in charge of the women? ODB pulls Saeed out of the ring and brutalises her. Saeed comes back and slams her into the crowd barrier. ODB comes back and throws Saeed apron. ODB climbs up on the apron after rolling Saeed into the ring, only for Saeed to dropkick her off and into the crowd barrier. Saeed goes and gets ODB from ringside, then rolls her in for a two. Chinlock, then some pulling of the hair and squashing of face. Saeed with a right, then some stomps. Saeed hits a scoop slam, then goes up top slowly. Moonsault, but ODB rolls out of the way. ODB hits some Walker’s. Fallaway slam. Kip up. She goes and gets her flask, before boozing. ODB gets Saeed up, Powerslam, three.
Winner: ODB
Rating: *1/2
Comments: Wow, another boring match.
ODB tries to unmask Saeed, which is really anti muslim. Saeed rolls out of the ring, but ODB keeps going. Saeed slips off to the back, and ODB follows. ODB comes back out and has the mask. Kong assaults her suddenly from behind. Kong scoops ODB up and slams her into the ringpost.
AD BREAK
Implant buster from Kong on ODB. Saeed (masked) brings her some chairs. Roxxi comes in and grabs a chair. They have a Star Wars battle. Roxxi wins, knocking Kong’s light saber away. Saeed jumps her from behind, and Kong takes over. Kong places the chair down, before hitting the Awesome Bomb on the chair.
AD BREAK
We get some No Surrender advertising.
JB is backstage with AJ. And ... the promo isn’t about Cage. It’s about Sting. AJ is pissed. He says he shouldn’t have listened to Sting. He then says he will beat Cage and win the title.
AD BREAK
Four Way To Glory Qualifier
Christian Cage vs AJ Styles
Lock up. AJ takes a waist lock on Cage. Cage gets a drop toe hold, then a front face lock. AJ takes the arm of Cage, then takes a headlock. Cage pushes AJ off but gets taken down with a tackle. Lock up, headlock from Cage, shoulder tackle, one before AJ kicks out. Kick from Cage. Inside cradle for two from AJ. A whole bunch of two counts. Kick from AJ and a chop. Headlock. Cage comes back. Backflip from AJ. AJ sets up the dropkick, but Cage holds the ropes. AJ runs over and sends him over with an elbow. AJ goes to jump on Cage, but Cage slides into the ring, leaving AJ to land on the apron. Cage goes at AJ only to catch a shoulder block. Cage sends AJ out to the floor. Cage then jumps at AJ, but crashes and burns when AJ slides into the ring. AJ hits a hurrancanrana on the outside.
AD BREAK
Cage hits a neckbreaker as we come back for two. AJ goes for some chops, but Cage tales back over. Snapmare and kick to the back. AJ gets up and Cage starts chopping away. AJ reverses and starts with his own chops. Cage comes back with a kick. He sends AJ into the corner, but AJ scores an elbow. AJ comes for the moonsault into a reverse DDT. Cage counters with rights. AJ comes back and goes for the move again, and scores for two. Both get yup and exchange rights. Cage runs at AJ, leapfrog, drop down, dropkick. Walker! Elbow. Cage gets up in the corner, and AJ charges in, with Cage dodging, leaving AJ to hit the buckle. Cage comes back and hits a Walker. Missed frog splash. Styles Clash countered. Unprettier countered. Back suplex countered. Pele! AJ goes to the apron and springboards in, missing. AJ rolls through and comes at Cage, catching a corkscrew elbow for two. Cage goes up top, but AJ goes after him. Superplex attempt, but Cage pushes AJ off and goes straight for the frog splash. Two! Cage pulls AJ up, when AJ sends Cage out of the ring. Cage goes up top. AJ turns around and gets him with a right. AJ goes up and both men exchange right. Back body drop off the top from AJ. Spiral Tap ... MISSES! Unprettier? Pushed off into the ref. He’s down. Here comes Frank Trigg. AJ gets hit with the kendo stick. Cage gets up and sees AJ groggy. Unprettier. Three.
Winner: Christian Cage
Rating: ***1/2
Comments: Finally, something worth watching. This was awesome, despite the screwy finish.
Jeff Jarrett hype.
Sting talks ... next!
AD BREAK
Sting hype.
Sting comes out and plays to the crowd like a face. OK .... Sting plays this up like a face. He sucks up to the crowd. Sting has the crowd behind him over Joe lulz. Here comes Joe. He says he’s going to fuck Sting up. Sting tells Joe to hit him with the baseball bat. Joe says he doesn’t need his bat, nor does he need his respect. Sting has a ... nightstick? It’s weaker than the baseball bat. Jeez. NASH!~ He says it ain’t gotta be like this man. Nash says no weapons, and suddenly Sting hits Joe with the baseball bat and hits the Scorpion Death Drop. Jarrett’s music hits, and Sting calls him out for next week. With that we go out.
Overall Thoughts: This was shit. Absolute shit. One worthwhile match. The rest weren’t even worth two stars. Joe did shit all with his actual challengers, instead he’s worrying about Sting. That won’t sell No Surrender. If you’re thinking about dl’ing ... watch some porn instead.
Alright everyone, you know the drill. Check out Soulpower’s Raw Review, and Kaedon’s NSZ. No other reviews up this week. That’s me done for another week.
no: I just watched. The matches were so bad it made me laugh. Great review anyhow. I have to say i agree with most things so well done.