8/28 TNA iMPACT! Review

  • Thread starter THE Brian Kendrick's Biceps
  • Start date
  • Welcome to "The New" Wrestling Smarks Forum!

    I see that you are not currently registered on our forum. It only takes a second, and you can even login with your Facebook! If you would like to register now, pease click here: Register

    Once registered please introduce yourself in our introduction thread which can be found here: Introduction Board


THE Brian Kendrick's Biceps

Guest
Hey all, time for another review of TNA iMPACT! On tap for tonight, is apparently Sting. Although I doubt it.

We get our usual recap, before Sting drives in. He says tonight’s the night. We then have the card ran down by Tenay. Nash vs Angle? I can already tell this will suck tonight.

Awesome Kong vs Jobber

Jobber comes out attacking with some forearms. An dropkick and some shots, before being ran through. Jobber falls to the outside, and Kong goes after her, before throwing her around ringside. Crowd barrier, steel steps, Kong doesn’t discriminate. Kong rolls jobber back in, then takes her time while getting some good heat. Jobber comes back by kicking her from the mat. Jobber then goes up top and jumps off, only to be Walkered! Kong picks Kong up and goes for her slaps. Jobber ducks one and hits some slaps before Kong ducks and hits a pimp slap. Kong then lifts Jobber up and drills her with the Awesome Bomb.

Winner: Awesome Kong
Rating: *1/2
Comments: At least it was an entertaining squash.

Post-match, Saeed grabs Kong a couple of chairs. She then sits them up. An Awesome Bomb through them would be pretty sweet. The crowd egg her on. ODB runs in and throws Saeed off. ODB and Kong then ‘brawl’. Tornado DDT from ODB and she then mounts Kong and hits some of the weakest punches ever. She keeps going. SHE IS THROWING HAYMAKERS! A WOMAN POSSESED! The commentators are overselling this assault ridiculously. Kong is too. If she saw ODB’s punches I’m sure she wouldn’t have sold like that.

JB is backstage with AJ Styles. He will battle Christian Cage next week. He’s on hype central!~ AJ puts Cage over, as well as himself. AJ says he will let Sting talk, before shoving his right hand down his throat.

AD BREAK

TNA put themselves over with a video.

Creed hype.

Sheik Abdul Bashir and Petey Williams vs Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal

We start with Lethal and Bashir. Bashir nearly punches Williams. Williams tells him to fuck off. Lethal hits a few Walker, before a double axe handle from the top for two. In comes Creed and some double team jabs, into a double right for the two. Creed picks Bashir up, but Bashir comes back and just brawls, before tagging in Petey. Creed comes back with a jumping corner Walker. Creed goes out to the apron, and Khan brings him to the floor, his face hitting the apron. Petey goes out and grabs Creed being him back to the ring for a two. Petey hits the mule kick, jawbreaker spin kick combo, before tagging Bashir back in. Bashir stomps on Lethal, following up with chops. Creed tries to come back with rights of his own, but Bashir whips him into the turnbuckle hard for two. In comes Petey. Petey hits a scoop slam, then goes for a hilo. He misses, and Creed tags in Lethal, who comes in with some Walker’s. Hip toss, cartwheel dropkick, pin broken up. Both men try to double team Lethal, but he hits a LETHAL Combination DDT combo. Lethal goes up top, and Bashir pushes him off. Bashir then heads up top, but Petey grabs Lethal for the Canadian Destroyer. Creed pushes Bashir into Williams. Miss-communication, roll up from Lethal, three.

Winners: Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed
Rating: **
Comments: Solid match with psychology. Good.

The heels argue.

TNA hype promo.

ODB cuts a promo and sounds like some amateur slut. I’d rather not tap that.

AD BREAK

Karen’s Angle with Abyss. Who says he is Chris Parks. He then gets up, throws the table, and laughs. Wow. Abyss talks about how important the mental institute was. He says Abyss is an awesome monster. Abyss comes onto Karen by stroking her leg ... kind of >_>. Apparently Chris is the better person. Chris and Abyss are one though. He challenges anyone to wrestle him before laughing semi evilly. Now Abyss comes onto Karen for real. She tries to look scared, but fails. ABYSS WROTE A POEM?! HEIDENREICH WANNABE! Wow, never thought I’d say those two words next to each other. Abyss pulls out some of his hair and Karen pretends to be scared. Instead she sounds like she’s choking on cock. Experience perhaps? I don’t know.

Now we’re off to Lauren, where we have the MEGASTAR Kip James, giving Lauren a makeover. Velvet cuts a rather awesome promo. Angelina follows up by looking really ugly. Angelina says she has a tight waist. Somehow, I doubt that.

AD BREAK

We are back, and we have more promos. Gay. JB backstage with Kurt Angle and Frank Trigg. Angle: You stole my medal AJ you bitch! Trigg looks like a dopey piece of shit. Cheap dig at Tomko, saying he left Angle for Japan! WOWZA! That was big of TNA.

Jimmy Rave w/ Christy Hemme vs Curry Man

Epic lulz here with both entrances. I love Rave’s lines. He said thank you to somewhere in Texas tonight. And Daniels has amazing charisma here. He launches over the ropes suddenly onto Rave. Hemme then distracts him on the apron. Curry moves her, only to get an apron STO. We move into the ring, and Rave gets a two. Rave then stomps away on Curry with a few Walker’s in there. Curry Man comes back though with a spin kick, before some jabs and a back body drop. Walker! Springboard cross body for two. Rave hits a knee to the running Curry before an elbow drop for two. Rane runs in at Curry in the corner, but Curry gets the elbow up. Backbreaker, Spice Rack, three.

Winner: Curry Man
Rating: *1/2
Comments: Why didn’t Rave win :(

Hemme comes in and slaps Curry. Lance Rock then runs down, and we have a random beatdown. STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! Super Eric and Shark Boy make the save.

Lauren is now backstage with Jim Cornette. Cornette announces a gay six man match. Super queeros vs Rockstars. Traci comes in, and Cornette tells her she has her offer accepted. Traci orgasms over Cornette (Jimmy lost his virginity there). Traci is now Knockout’s GM apparently. Cornette gives her a business speech. Little dig at WWE in releasing people and wishing people well in their future endeavours. Traci says we might see Lauren in a match.

AD BREAK

And we’re back now. Booker has special guests in his locker room to listen to Sting. They are Team 3D, who look hilarious messing around with their robes. They fight over them. ROFL. I love 3D promos. Booker’s accent slips in and out. He sounded really English in some bits, and really African in some bits for some reason. Mexican? Cuban? What the hell is this accent meant to be? Ray spills stuff over Sharmell, to try to end with comedy. It was funnier before that, weak finish.

No Surrender hype.

JB is with Nash. Nash calls Joe his kid. That’s one fat Samoan kid you got there Nash. Nash says he may win the title. And pigs may fly Kev.

AD BREAK (sidenote: one of the ads included someone saying tickle your balls in your own time. Just thought you’d want to know)

Samoa Joe comes out to ringside, as he goes to join DW and Tenay. It can only improve the commentary. Eugene could do a better job than those two morons.

Kurt Angle vs Kevin Nash

We circle around the ring very slowly. Very. Until Angle leaves the ring and eyes off Joe. Angle gets back in the ring, and Nash knees him in the gut, then hits some right while Joe pwns Tenay. Nash hits a scoop slam, then misses the elbow drop. Angle gets Angle up and hits some Euro uppercuts with some right. He tries to send Nash to the opposite corner, but Nash reverses then hits a corner clothesline Nash gets Angle up and scores a backbreaker, holding it for awhile looking for a submission. He can’t get it, so he drops him down and gets two two counts. Nash picks Angle up and hits some knees and elbows in the corner. Nash poses ‘sexily’. He then goes back and hammers Angle. Nash uses more slow boring moves as he chokes him with the boot

AD BREAK

We’re back, and Angle is kicking at the knee of Nash. He then bends the leg awkwardly, before pulling out the old Figure Four Leglock. Nash is practically no selling. Nash finally starts to show some pain now. Finally! Nash starts selling again, before reversing the pressure, and grabbing the ropes. Angle gets back up and kicks the knees of Nash a few times, before running off. Angle bounces back from the ropes, before getting slammed with the big sidewalk slam. We get up and see some rights exchanged. Nash takes over, and hits snake eyes. Nash puts Angle over the second rope and hobbles around the ring, before trying to look like he jumped on the back of Angle. Instead he looked like a blueberry. Angle gets up and runs off, only for Nash to score a diving shoulder block. Angle rolls to the outside and Nash follows, before slapping Joe. Joe gets angry as they move back to the ring. Nash hits a big boot, and Joe then distracts him when he sets up for the Jacknife. The referee turns to Joe, as does Nash, finding himself getting a low blow and Olympic slam ftw to Angle.

Result: Kurt Angle
Rating: **
Comments: Joe and Nash disagreeing. NEVER!

Nash leaves the ring, and Joe mouths off.

AD BREAK

We see a hype video for ... THE GUITAR! I wish I was joking. And the morons at TNA say people are asking who is behind the guitar. This is just stupid.

Jarrett promo. At least this is logical. We see some pretty heavy stuff. If you don’t feel sympathetic for Jeff after this you’re a terrible person.

AD BREAK

We’re back, and we see Val with Lauren. She has a terrible makeup job on for her black eye. ZOMG RING ON A POLE MATCH! TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA!

Knockout’s promo. They actually say they are better than the divas. Which they are.

Beautiful People w/ Their Super Fabulous Consultant vs Taylor Wilde and Roxxi

Love and Roxxi start out, with Roxxi shoving Love onto her ass. Love goes for a Walker, but Roxxi ducks it then throws her down, before a front face lock. Roxxi takes the arm of Love and tags in Wilde. Love quickly runs and goes to the outside with Kip. Love climbs into the ring and tags in Sky. Sky climbs in and Wilde takes her down then hits rights. Sky tries to come back until Wilde hits a Thesz press and rights. Wilde tries to get Love on the apron but she ducks down. Wilde then goes back after Sky, backing her into the corner and starting with some punches, looking for ten. Kip distracts the referee though, and Love uses the makeup kit. Sky kicks Wilde around and chokes her before sending Love in. Love brawls a bit before a nice low dropkick to the face. Love then throws Wilde around the mat by the hair.

AD BREAK

We’re back, and Roxxi and Love gets tags in. Roxxi comes in and pwns with Walker’s and scoop slams. Roxxi then dropkicks Sky out of the ring, before a spinebuster on Love. Sky comes in and breaks up the pin at two. Sky gets attacked by Wilde, who then goes for a moonsault, onto nothing. Roxxi sets up the Voodoo Drop on Sky, but Kip hands Sky the spray bottle. Love sprays Roxxi in the eyes, and the Beautiful People then hit a Russian legsweep, bicycle kick combo ftw.

Winners: The Beautiful People
Rating: **
Comments: Nice new double team finisher.

Wilde comes in and slaps Kip a few times. The Beautiful People jump her, and Kip then threatens to cut her hair. Rhino runs down for the save. This seems to be a common theme for the show.

We see Sting coming down from the rafters. He will talk ... NEXT!~

AD BREAK

Sting hype.

Sting comes out, and he looks like he doesn’t care. Is that his heel look? Sting says a few months ago, he talked about retirement with Tenay. Sting says he considered retirement. Sting says the future of TNA is terrible in the hands of the younger generation. He says they’d spit in the face of the company. Isn’t only agreeing to show up on a weekly broadcast if you are getting a new contract spitting in the face of the company? Sting puts over Booker. Sting then calls himself great basically. Joe has no respect. Sting sounds really old here. Sting goes on to mouth off to AJ, saying AJ owes him because he is old and AJ isn’t. Sting sounds like he wants a heel old guy stable. He calls the young guys brats, in a heelish manner. He is meant to be a heel, but the crowd are cheering all of his lines. AJ says tell me I’m wrong to my face. Here comes AJ.

AJ: You’re wrong! BKB: PWNT! AJ says he looked up to Sting, and that he never disrespected Sting. AJ points out that he is a TNA Original. Sting tells AJ at Hard Justice he should have left with the 1, 2, 3. It was a Last Man Standing Match Sting. Catch the fuck up. Sting tells AJ he has a problem with him. Sting gives AJ the bat and tells him to hit him. Sting shoves AJ. AJ looks around then goes to do it when Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop. Jarrett’s music then hits, and we’re done.

Overall Thoughts: Wow, this was pretty shitty. A drop on last week. Everything besides the Sting segment felt like boring filler. Nothing will happen at No Surrender that matters. At least this is how it feels with the current hype. Too many promos, random beatdowns and average matches don’t make a good show.

Alright, so thanks for reading folks. Remember all of the reviews to read. These are, in case you forgot: Soulpower’s Raw Review, TJ’s ECW Review, and Kaedon’s SmackDown! Review + NSZ (nothing new this week). And I’m ooooouuuuttttttaaaa hhhhheeeerrrrrreeeee.
 

McLovin

Active Member
Joined
Aug 12, 2007
Messages
1,159
Reaction score
0
Points
36
Age
40
Location
Eng-er-land!
Funny review BKB, have to catch up on TNA still have Hard Justice to finish watching.
 

chessarmy

Guest
Great review BKB, lol you are starting to get real good at this. I thought iMPACT! was decent this week, I really enjoyed the Sting segment but as you said, everything else felt like filler
 

Moonlight Drive

Guest
LAWL

I <3 BKB reviews. Rofl at the 'That's one fat samoan kid you got there Kev' and the 'Angelina says she has a tight waist. I doubt that'

Plus lots of other stuff and the tickling balls ad (can't believe I missed it >_>)

Great review, sounds like it was a good idea I watched the RUGBY instead of Impact