Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, the state of Wisconsin, proudly brings to you tonight you’re IWF BEST COLUMNIST IN THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD; The Road Dogg Jesse James….wait……Welcome to the latest and greatest edition of the No Smark
Zone. This week we will go through current events in the WWE, primarily the KOTR and the fallout, as well as the new direction the WWE is going in. But first, my Backlash Review.
M.V.P. vs. Matt Hardy for the WWE United States Title
A very bitter rivalry comes to a head here. I don’t think they did the best job with the build up since Matt returned at Wrestlemania, but none the less, its still a hot feud. As expected, Matt tries to come on like a house of fire, and MVP tries to control the pace. MVP tries to go after the bad wheel of Matt but Hardy has a counter for everything. Matt goes for a rarely seen moonsault and MVP blocks it and takes over. Matt fights his way back into it and gets a few near falls with 2 side-effects. MVP gets one of his KO big boots in on Matt and that’s it. NO! Its not! MVP goes for it again and hits a twist of fate.
Winner: Matt “FREAKING†Hardy
Match Rating: **3/4
Comments: This was the best choice for the opener, so good job there. I think it was a little short but that didn’t hurt the match at all.
Kane vs. Chavo Guerrero w/Bam Neeley for the ECW Title
Kane starts off shoving the little guy around a bit as Chavo tries to go for the knee but Kane gets in some great moves. Kane is on the top rope but gets shoved off and Chavito takes over. He takes a very old school, Anderson like, approach to working over Kane’s leg. It wasn’t fancy, but it was effective. Kan finally gets back into it but cant control the match out right. Chavo sets him up for a frog splash but Kane grabs his throat in mid ribbit and gets the chokeslam for the win.
Winner: Kane
Match Rating: **1/2
Comments: What the fuck is the point of having a bodyguard if he isn’t going to be used. The guy was basically a statue out there. I think his involvement could have made the match a little better.
The Big Show vs. The Great Khali
The battle of the beasts is up next. As the two staredown, Kevin Dunn (I presume) tells one of the handhelds around the ring to put his camera in the ring and get the low angle “God†view of the two men. I fucking love that! Well, I love it when its used right. A few times they gave the “God†angle to guys like Coach and I was like “What the fuck!?†Oh, yeah, the match. The guy come out throwing haymakers, and chops. We also get a headbutt battle, which while boring to most, is HILARIOUS to me. Khali gains control and keeps it for a while trying his best and failing miserably. A few scant BOOOOOOOORING chant ring out. I have to tell you about the stories I’ve heard about when old timers would hear “booooooringâ€. Oh hell, I do it hurr. When Johnny Valentine would get that chant he’d look at the crowd like “Oh yeah? You think that’s boring? Well lets just take it down a notch.†Start off slow, and then taper off. Even now I am laughing my ass off at the idea of someone doing that. Show gets a side slam in and then reverses a Khali Bomb into a Chokeslam for the win.
Winner: The Big Show
Match Rating: *3/4
Comments: Yeah, the match was pretty bad, but I don’t think it was wall their fault. They barely had 10 minutes to work with, for one. But its all over now as Show has moved on after this victory.
Shawn Michaels vs. Batista (with special guest ref Chris Jericho)
Batista uses his power to start off and gets the better of his mentorish guy. HBK gets the advantage by sticking and moving. GET EM ROCK! THE BODY, THE BODY, THE BODY! HBK then holds onto the advantage by working over a body part, but unlike Chavo earlier on, he works on big Dave’s arm. HBK locks in pretty much every hold he knows on Batista’s arm but it isn’t enough as the Animal starts to get back into it. The crowd wakes up when Batista drills Michaels with a spear and the two engage in some pretty exciting back and forth action. Batista hits the spinebuster and goes for the Batista Bomb but HBK gets out of it and “hurts his kneeâ€. As soon as it happened, I semi-drunkenly yelled out “AHH HE’S GOLDBRICKIN†and I was right, I think, as WHAM Shawn hits Dave with some SCM for the win.
Winner: Shawn Michaels
Match Rating: ***
Comments: Why the fuck was Jericho there if not to do anything? Anyway, I hope HBK is ok and if he is, he has just become the greatest seller in the history of wrestling.
Beth Pheonix, Melina, Victoria, Nattie Neidhart,Layla, and Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James, Cherry, Michelle McCool, Maria, Ashley, and Kelly Kelly in a 12 Diva Tag
That was a mouthful, and I wouldn’t mind getting a mouthful of any of these ladies :jerk: TBH I really didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to this match. As much as I like big tags, this one really didn’t hold my interest all that much. Not to say it was a bad match, but it just didn’t hold my interest. Every Diva got a chance to showcase their talents and in the end Beth gets the win with her Perfect-Plex Buster on Ashley.
Winners: Beth Pheonix, Melina, Victoria, Nattie Neidhart,Layla, and Jillian Hall
Match Rating: **
The Undertaker vs. Edge for the World Heavyweight Title
Taker tells Edge “I am going to hurt you†and he does so for the first 5 minutes or so. He even takes Edge out of the ring and whoops his ass out there for a while. Edge gets back into it and targets a body part (I really this is a sign of WWE booking and not just individual efforts). Edge locks in the dreaded Camel Clutch but adds a grapevine to add some more punishment to Undertakers back. The dead man works his way back into the match and we get two men slugging it out. For some reason, Taker goes to the top rope, and not like he usually does. He did it for no god damned reason, and he, of course misses. Edge heads upstairs but he fails as well as we get a SD vs. Raw-esque top rope chokeslam. The ref sees Hawkins try to interfere but Ryder comes in from behind and drills Taker with the title belt leading to a 2.99999999999999999999999999999. Taker goes for a Last Ride that gets reversed by Edge that gets reversed by Taker into that…..that……that submission that Taker refuses to let go of. Edge looks really fucked up when Taker finally releases it.
Winner: The Undertaker
Match Rating: ***1/2
John Cena vs.JBL vs. Randy Orton vs. HHH in a Fatal 4 Way Elimination Match for the WWE Title
Randy tries to start off the match like he did at Mania, by grabbing the belt and drilling someone but he gets drilled right in the fucking head by JBL. We get almost a video game kind of action back and forth with guys paring off or having some three way action. Randy gets locked in the STFU and JBL goes to save him but backs off. Then JBL gets locked in it and Randy does the same to him. We get a rather obvious SPOT, which is something I don’t like but here it was well placed. JBL is about to superplex Orton but HHH and Cena both grab him and give him a powerbomb simultaneously. John Cena locks in the STFU on JBL and the Texican is gone. BOOOOOOOOO. Before Cena can get up, Orton punts his head and Cena is eliminated! WHAT THE FUCK!? HHH and Orton go toe to toe for a while. The action spills out of the ring and HHH gets catapulted into the guard rail. Back in the ring and “Resthold Randy†locks in his chinlock as well as working over the midsection of HHH. The crowd REALLY comes alive when HHH blocks and RKO and fights his way back into the match. The action goes outside again and Orton tries to piledrive H on the steel stairs but gets countered into a spinebuster that looked really fucking painful. Back in the ring, we get a series of at least 4 counters that ends in a pedigree and HHH winning the WWE Title.
Winner: Triple H
Match Rating: ***3/4
Comments: Why did HHH win the title here? Anyway, this was a damn good match. Solid through and through. I didn’t like the fast eliminations but other than that, It was damn good.
So there you have it, my Backlash review. For Judgment Day, I am going to let one of YOU, the readers review it, but more on that later.
King Of The Ring Thoughts
Now, I love these things. Tournaments I mean, and I went into that in my last column. So to say I was kind of disappointed initially is fairly accurate. MVP vs. Jericho was very bleh. I mean its still kind of fresh but we’d seen it already. Still it was a damn good match. CM Punk vs. Matt Hardy was a nice surprise and it was also fucking good. Then we get to Finlay vs. Khali. Now, I don’t mind Khali being in it, and I don’t mind Finlay being in it but why FINLAY VS KAHLI! Christ, how many times have we seen that match!? And then Hornswaggle vs. Regal. Shit. Now I don’t mind Regal getting heat, and this was a great way to do it but meh. Ugh. There were so many other guys they could have used to get the same purpose done. I just really would have liked to see a lot more variety in the matches. Kofi, Shelton, Elijah, Carlito, MnM2k8, any one of these guys could have been in the tourney. Anyway the ending was good and bad. It was good because it was a fucking shock. No one, and I mean NO ONE, thought Regal was gonna win, and that is always a good thing. It made sense, and it was shocking. The bad part is, Punk has been jobbed out, yet again. Seriously, whats the point of giving him the MITB if you aren’t gonna build him?
The WWE’s New Direction
Now maybe I miscategorized this. I don’t think it’s a new direction per sae, but I think its them trying something new. And make no mistake, the endings of Raw and Smackdown this week are related. They didn’t happen separately and I think they are part of an arcing story. That being said, I want to point out that I am fucking pissed about both of them. We had a great WWE title match going and fucking Regal cuts it off. I respect the booking but god damn it, I want to see that limey HANG! The rumor is that this is all setting up a HHH/Regal feud. Man, I seriously hope he gets his fucking ass beat! And then we have Vickie Guerrero. This fucking old hag strips the Undertaker of his WHC. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? I said it in my SD review and I will say it here….wrijhewriuheriuhriuee8hwrv98ergv98hegybvuefhdbvoiufhvyuhvovijbduivndsbvgbsdyiuhvnuifgdvbiusdhgvyuhdshbviufgvyuhihdsbviugdiuvhdsbuivgbjoivbhgfygvbiudfhe! That’s how I feel about it. I literally wanted to reach through the screen and jack that old bitch in her jaw! God damn it! Though it is good to see the WWE taking a rule from the past, no chokes, and applying it to now. I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s a refreshing change. I have to wonder where in the hell this is going exactly. I mean if they truly do intend to keep Taker away from the belt, what the fuck was the point of him winning it in the first god damned place!? It’s all very convoluted, but all still very exciting.
Well that does it for this short edition of the No Smark Zone. Next week, we comes everyones favorite Fact Or Fiction. If you want to be involved, drop me a PM. As always go read SPs reviews because he is the hardest working Mexirican since Speedy Gonzalez. >_> See ya next time!
Zone. This week we will go through current events in the WWE, primarily the KOTR and the fallout, as well as the new direction the WWE is going in. But first, my Backlash Review.
M.V.P. vs. Matt Hardy for the WWE United States Title
A very bitter rivalry comes to a head here. I don’t think they did the best job with the build up since Matt returned at Wrestlemania, but none the less, its still a hot feud. As expected, Matt tries to come on like a house of fire, and MVP tries to control the pace. MVP tries to go after the bad wheel of Matt but Hardy has a counter for everything. Matt goes for a rarely seen moonsault and MVP blocks it and takes over. Matt fights his way back into it and gets a few near falls with 2 side-effects. MVP gets one of his KO big boots in on Matt and that’s it. NO! Its not! MVP goes for it again and hits a twist of fate.
Winner: Matt “FREAKING†Hardy
Match Rating: **3/4
Comments: This was the best choice for the opener, so good job there. I think it was a little short but that didn’t hurt the match at all.
Kane vs. Chavo Guerrero w/Bam Neeley for the ECW Title
Kane starts off shoving the little guy around a bit as Chavo tries to go for the knee but Kane gets in some great moves. Kane is on the top rope but gets shoved off and Chavito takes over. He takes a very old school, Anderson like, approach to working over Kane’s leg. It wasn’t fancy, but it was effective. Kan finally gets back into it but cant control the match out right. Chavo sets him up for a frog splash but Kane grabs his throat in mid ribbit and gets the chokeslam for the win.
Winner: Kane
Match Rating: **1/2
Comments: What the fuck is the point of having a bodyguard if he isn’t going to be used. The guy was basically a statue out there. I think his involvement could have made the match a little better.
The Big Show vs. The Great Khali
The battle of the beasts is up next. As the two staredown, Kevin Dunn (I presume) tells one of the handhelds around the ring to put his camera in the ring and get the low angle “God†view of the two men. I fucking love that! Well, I love it when its used right. A few times they gave the “God†angle to guys like Coach and I was like “What the fuck!?†Oh, yeah, the match. The guy come out throwing haymakers, and chops. We also get a headbutt battle, which while boring to most, is HILARIOUS to me. Khali gains control and keeps it for a while trying his best and failing miserably. A few scant BOOOOOOOORING chant ring out. I have to tell you about the stories I’ve heard about when old timers would hear “booooooringâ€. Oh hell, I do it hurr. When Johnny Valentine would get that chant he’d look at the crowd like “Oh yeah? You think that’s boring? Well lets just take it down a notch.†Start off slow, and then taper off. Even now I am laughing my ass off at the idea of someone doing that. Show gets a side slam in and then reverses a Khali Bomb into a Chokeslam for the win.
Winner: The Big Show
Match Rating: *3/4
Comments: Yeah, the match was pretty bad, but I don’t think it was wall their fault. They barely had 10 minutes to work with, for one. But its all over now as Show has moved on after this victory.
Shawn Michaels vs. Batista (with special guest ref Chris Jericho)
Batista uses his power to start off and gets the better of his mentorish guy. HBK gets the advantage by sticking and moving. GET EM ROCK! THE BODY, THE BODY, THE BODY! HBK then holds onto the advantage by working over a body part, but unlike Chavo earlier on, he works on big Dave’s arm. HBK locks in pretty much every hold he knows on Batista’s arm but it isn’t enough as the Animal starts to get back into it. The crowd wakes up when Batista drills Michaels with a spear and the two engage in some pretty exciting back and forth action. Batista hits the spinebuster and goes for the Batista Bomb but HBK gets out of it and “hurts his kneeâ€. As soon as it happened, I semi-drunkenly yelled out “AHH HE’S GOLDBRICKIN†and I was right, I think, as WHAM Shawn hits Dave with some SCM for the win.
Winner: Shawn Michaels
Match Rating: ***
Comments: Why the fuck was Jericho there if not to do anything? Anyway, I hope HBK is ok and if he is, he has just become the greatest seller in the history of wrestling.
Beth Pheonix, Melina, Victoria, Nattie Neidhart,Layla, and Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James, Cherry, Michelle McCool, Maria, Ashley, and Kelly Kelly in a 12 Diva Tag
That was a mouthful, and I wouldn’t mind getting a mouthful of any of these ladies :jerk: TBH I really didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to this match. As much as I like big tags, this one really didn’t hold my interest all that much. Not to say it was a bad match, but it just didn’t hold my interest. Every Diva got a chance to showcase their talents and in the end Beth gets the win with her Perfect-Plex Buster on Ashley.
Winners: Beth Pheonix, Melina, Victoria, Nattie Neidhart,Layla, and Jillian Hall
Match Rating: **
The Undertaker vs. Edge for the World Heavyweight Title
Taker tells Edge “I am going to hurt you†and he does so for the first 5 minutes or so. He even takes Edge out of the ring and whoops his ass out there for a while. Edge gets back into it and targets a body part (I really this is a sign of WWE booking and not just individual efforts). Edge locks in the dreaded Camel Clutch but adds a grapevine to add some more punishment to Undertakers back. The dead man works his way back into the match and we get two men slugging it out. For some reason, Taker goes to the top rope, and not like he usually does. He did it for no god damned reason, and he, of course misses. Edge heads upstairs but he fails as well as we get a SD vs. Raw-esque top rope chokeslam. The ref sees Hawkins try to interfere but Ryder comes in from behind and drills Taker with the title belt leading to a 2.99999999999999999999999999999. Taker goes for a Last Ride that gets reversed by Edge that gets reversed by Taker into that…..that……that submission that Taker refuses to let go of. Edge looks really fucked up when Taker finally releases it.
Winner: The Undertaker
Match Rating: ***1/2
John Cena vs.JBL vs. Randy Orton vs. HHH in a Fatal 4 Way Elimination Match for the WWE Title
Randy tries to start off the match like he did at Mania, by grabbing the belt and drilling someone but he gets drilled right in the fucking head by JBL. We get almost a video game kind of action back and forth with guys paring off or having some three way action. Randy gets locked in the STFU and JBL goes to save him but backs off. Then JBL gets locked in it and Randy does the same to him. We get a rather obvious SPOT, which is something I don’t like but here it was well placed. JBL is about to superplex Orton but HHH and Cena both grab him and give him a powerbomb simultaneously. John Cena locks in the STFU on JBL and the Texican is gone. BOOOOOOOOO. Before Cena can get up, Orton punts his head and Cena is eliminated! WHAT THE FUCK!? HHH and Orton go toe to toe for a while. The action spills out of the ring and HHH gets catapulted into the guard rail. Back in the ring and “Resthold Randy†locks in his chinlock as well as working over the midsection of HHH. The crowd REALLY comes alive when HHH blocks and RKO and fights his way back into the match. The action goes outside again and Orton tries to piledrive H on the steel stairs but gets countered into a spinebuster that looked really fucking painful. Back in the ring, we get a series of at least 4 counters that ends in a pedigree and HHH winning the WWE Title.
Winner: Triple H
Match Rating: ***3/4
Comments: Why did HHH win the title here? Anyway, this was a damn good match. Solid through and through. I didn’t like the fast eliminations but other than that, It was damn good.
So there you have it, my Backlash review. For Judgment Day, I am going to let one of YOU, the readers review it, but more on that later.
King Of The Ring Thoughts
Now, I love these things. Tournaments I mean, and I went into that in my last column. So to say I was kind of disappointed initially is fairly accurate. MVP vs. Jericho was very bleh. I mean its still kind of fresh but we’d seen it already. Still it was a damn good match. CM Punk vs. Matt Hardy was a nice surprise and it was also fucking good. Then we get to Finlay vs. Khali. Now, I don’t mind Khali being in it, and I don’t mind Finlay being in it but why FINLAY VS KAHLI! Christ, how many times have we seen that match!? And then Hornswaggle vs. Regal. Shit. Now I don’t mind Regal getting heat, and this was a great way to do it but meh. Ugh. There were so many other guys they could have used to get the same purpose done. I just really would have liked to see a lot more variety in the matches. Kofi, Shelton, Elijah, Carlito, MnM2k8, any one of these guys could have been in the tourney. Anyway the ending was good and bad. It was good because it was a fucking shock. No one, and I mean NO ONE, thought Regal was gonna win, and that is always a good thing. It made sense, and it was shocking. The bad part is, Punk has been jobbed out, yet again. Seriously, whats the point of giving him the MITB if you aren’t gonna build him?
The WWE’s New Direction
Now maybe I miscategorized this. I don’t think it’s a new direction per sae, but I think its them trying something new. And make no mistake, the endings of Raw and Smackdown this week are related. They didn’t happen separately and I think they are part of an arcing story. That being said, I want to point out that I am fucking pissed about both of them. We had a great WWE title match going and fucking Regal cuts it off. I respect the booking but god damn it, I want to see that limey HANG! The rumor is that this is all setting up a HHH/Regal feud. Man, I seriously hope he gets his fucking ass beat! And then we have Vickie Guerrero. This fucking old hag strips the Undertaker of his WHC. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? I said it in my SD review and I will say it here….wrijhewriuheriuhriuee8hwrv98ergv98hegybvuefhdbvoiufhvyuhvovijbduivndsbvgbsdyiuhvnuifgdvbiusdhgvyuhdshbviufgvyuhihdsbviugdiuvhdsbuivgbjoivbhgfygvbiudfhe! That’s how I feel about it. I literally wanted to reach through the screen and jack that old bitch in her jaw! God damn it! Though it is good to see the WWE taking a rule from the past, no chokes, and applying it to now. I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s a refreshing change. I have to wonder where in the hell this is going exactly. I mean if they truly do intend to keep Taker away from the belt, what the fuck was the point of him winning it in the first god damned place!? It’s all very convoluted, but all still very exciting.
Well that does it for this short edition of the No Smark Zone. Next week, we comes everyones favorite Fact Or Fiction. If you want to be involved, drop me a PM. As always go read SPs reviews because he is the hardest working Mexirican since Speedy Gonzalez. >_> See ya next time!
.