The Hoov Is Cookin': 3-Hour WWE Monday Night RAW 6/11/12 Edition

[The Hoov]

Hello Ladies and Germs and welcome to a special edition of “The Hoov Is Cookin'”. Now, I know what you might be thinking, “It seems a little over-zealous to call the second edition special.” Well, to that I say this: “AAAAAAHHHHHH SHADDAP!” So, with that said, it's special because it's a special 3-hour RAW I'm reviewing this week which I'm sure is to be a doozy. Take that however you wish. So, let's not waste any time and let's get right down to the nitty gritty.


So, we start the show off with “Mr. Excitement” John Laryngitis rolling down on his rascal. He stumbles into the ring and, before he can get any kind of point across, The Chairman of the Board, The Man with Grapefruit-Sized Testicles, VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON makes his way out to ringside. Now, I know the 'E wants me to mark out but, my reaction was more along the lines of this:


[video=youtube;gmlR5eG9zP4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmlR5eG9zP4[/video]


Vince starts running down Big Johnny, blaming the Brock Lesnar situation on him and even throwing a jab at Big Show not being worth a damn since 1999 and Johnny signing the wrong one-legged wrestler. Damn, Vince is becoming even more epic in my eyes. Then, as Vince looses steam, out comes out our resident “FELLA” World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus to add in his two cents.

I love Sheamus' theme song


Sheamus lets us know he's speaking for the entire locker room, or just the babyfaces.....he wasn't specific, but he said that everybody wants Laryngitis gone. He takes exception to Sheamus' remarks and is bound and determined to find Sheamus an opponent to make him sorry. Vince tells him he better be impressed. I swear to God if it is who I think it is. Johnny leaves sans rascal, leaving Vince to play with it and throw it off the stage very daintily.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


We come back from commercial to find out Sheamus' opponent is.....

Fuck.....Me......


Yes folks, it's the match no one ever wanted to see ever: Sheamus vs. Albert. This match was nothing special. Sheamus, surprisingly, held the match together and made it work. Seriously, this guy was a big deal in Japan? I commented on “Tensai” in another thread here on the forum and I was shocked to get negative feedback. Seriously, can anyone explain to me what makes Albert special? Anyways, Sheamus wins with a Brogue Kick. After the match we go backstage to Vince, Johnny and Teddy as Vince asks Johnny boy what he plans to do about Alberto Del Rio's replacement at No Way Out. He has no clue but, thanks to him, he has employed the greatest multi-man match maker in history Teddy Long who comes up with a fatal 4-way idea between 4 former World Champions: Christian, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler and The Great Khali.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


We come back from break as Albert is beating the holy Hell out of Mr. Miyagi.....oh wait.....he's not the guy from The Karate Kid? Oh, well never mind. After some hype for RAW's 1000th episode, we go backstage where R-Truth is being interviewed about his attack by Big Show 2 weeks ago. He then starts talking to “Lil Jimmy” halfway through the interview. I believe this calls for my inner most thoughts about this segment:


[video=youtube;RFZrzg62Zj0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFZrzg62Zj0&feature=related[/video]


Thankfully, R-Truth is put out of his misery by a ULTIMATE DEATH PUNCH from The Big Show. Afterwards, ANOTHER COMMERCIAL? Hell, that's how they stretch this show into 3 hours. A million commercial breaks.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


Back from the break we have Intergender Tag Team Action as US Champion Santino Marella teams up with Divas Champion Layla to take on Beth Phoenix and.....Ricardo Rodriguez. People Power indeed. The match was nothing. The champs won. Moving on. Next out is Daniel Bryan. Ok, you know what's coming next. Take it away, M. Bison!


[video=youtube;jPmb0F00YPE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPmb0F00YPE&feature=related[/video]


Bryan cuts a promo saying that he is nothing like his opponents and that they both have a weakness in the form of AJ. Bryan claims Punk is trying to get with AJ because he wants to make Bryan as jealous of him as Punk is of Bryan. He also claims Kane thinks that a girl looking at him without vomiting is like second base to Kane. Burn! No pun intended but it's welcome. The only thing he's concerned with is winning the WWE Championship. This brings out current WWE Champion CM Punk to retort. Punk says AJ is out of Bryan's league and in the ring Bryan is out of Punk's league and then plugs his newest t-shirt by saying he digs crazy chicks. Both of them call each other sellouts with, in my opinion, Bryan having the best case. Punk mentions his shoot promo which just makes me think of how tamed Punk has gotten over the past year while Bryan gets a babyface reaction for being a heel. Punk calls Bryan a “Goat Face” and gets it trending. This bring out Kane and he reminds us of how awesome he used to be.

We Miss You....


Next out is AJ who starts to play all of them like a fiddle and says “The best man will win at No Way Out”. Interesting. Then, like nails on a chalkboard, we hear the monotone vocal chords of Big Johnny on the titantron announcing our main event for the evening: Daniel Bryan and Kane vs. CM Punk and AJ. Oh, you cheeky bastard, you!


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


Next is the fatal 4-way to determine the number one contender to the World Heavyweight Championship. Easily match of the night but that's not saying much. First out, as expected, is Khali. That leaves the 3 people who can wrestle to have a decent match. Second eliminated, as expected again, is Swagger. Christian was being booked strong as Hell in this match which shocked me that Ziggler won clean without having interference from Cody Rhodes but yes, Dolph Ziggler won and is facing Sheamus for the World Heavyweight Championship at No Way Out. They face off until we fade into the next segment with Natalya speaking to Vince. She is trying to convince him to bring back the Hart family like they did at WrestleMania 26 because it “meant so much to them, it was so much fun, it meant so much, it was great to be apart of....”


[video=youtube;CEgh8TUlpQc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEgh8TUlpQc&feature=related[/video]


Vince walks away and runs into the Funkadactyls and he decides to bust a move. Like Cole in his underwear last week, I could've gone without seeing that. Thankfully, the segment is saved by a cameo appearance by the “Long Island Iced Z” Zack Ryder. Only time I marked out for Vince was when he fist pumped and said “Woo Woo Woo! You Know It!” I love Zack Ryder. Don't judge me.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


We come back from commercial and it's time for Ryback to run over some jobbers. I don't think Ryback is too bad but, like the crowd here in Hartford, CT, I see a Goldberg wannabe and I don't know why anybody would want to be him. Ryback destroys one guy and then the other one tries to run. Ryback cuts him off however.


[video=youtube;5CfNarCjSHM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CfNarCjSHM&feature=related[/video]


Of course Ryback wins and then we are off to the next segment where Vince is talking to Hornswoggle. Hey, remember when Hornswoggle was Vince's illegitimate son? Anyways, Vince sees a black cowboy hat and just can't resist taking a jab at Good Ole' JR. Seriously, Vince is such an asshole. David Otunga interrupts and throws his name in the hat to become the new GM. Vince says he doesn't respect ass-kissers. Pan the camera to William Regal, the charter member of the “Mr. McMahon Kiss My Ass Club”.


[video=youtube;t6Txg3_UvD4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6Txg3_UvD4[/video]


Next up is Kofi Kingston vs The Big Show in a steel cage, a match Kofi demanded earlier in the night to gain retribution for R-Truth. This match was a glorified squash match as Big Show just dominated him. Say, do you remember when Kofi Kingston mattered? Yeah, me neither.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


Up next is Curt Hawkins vs Sin Cara. I really like Sin Cara but I might be a bit biased since I'm partial to the Lucha Libre style. Good match. Hawkins worked well with Cara. As expected, Sin Cara got the win but I think this is the most Hawkins has been on RAW in his entire career. Afterwards, hype for No Way Out. Honestly, I'm not thrilled. The WWE, however, expects us to love it.


[video=youtube;8QfSzgV1q5g]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QfSzgV1q5g&feature=related[/video]


We then go to Daniel Bryan who is warming up backstage. Vince approaches and uses that opportunity to point out Bryan's short-comings as a WWE Superstar. There was no point in this segment other than to bury Bryan a little bit. Have I mentioned Vince is an asshole? After the commercial break we are going to find out what former main eventer Johnny Ace has brought back to celebrate the RAW 1000th episode.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


After the break, Heath Slater is in the ring in all of his Wendy's glory attempting to cut a promo. Thank God he's interrupted by the guest opponent.

Officially marked out


Vader makes his way out and completely destroys Slater while the crowd chants “YOU STILL GOT IT!” Seriously, I wouldn't mind it one bit if he had one more run. He deserved to be World Champ in WWE. After a crappy video documenting David Otunga's B.A. Star appearance (which I refuse to believe the kids were excited to see him), we see AJ and Punk getting ready for their match. Punk tells AJ not to worry and she kisses him on the cheek. Commercial time yet?


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


We come back and it's time for the main event. First out is Kane, then Bryan and then Punk and AJ. Pretty good match for a handicapped match I would say. Seriously, can Punk have a bad match? I don't think so. Punk and Bryan go at it for a while, which is what we all want to see anyway, before Kane tags in. AJ then tags herself in and hops all over Kane and starts making out with him.

“And I'M supposed to be the Hoeski?”


The distraction works and Kane leaves the ring, letting Bryan be beat by Punk and AJ. After the match, we are being hyped at Vince's decision before going to break.


*COMMERCIAL BREAK*


After the last commercial break, Vince comes out with security guards and calls out Big Johnny. He limps out towards the ring and tries to plead for his job but just before Vince can fire his ass, out comes Big Show. Show says he can say and do whatever he wants so he decides to cut a really good promo about how, for 14 years he's done what Vince wanted and became a goof and dressed in costumes and jobbed to celebrities instead of being the giant he should've been all along.

Sounds like you should've stayed in WCW


This brings out Cena who does his best to call Show out for his bullshit and does a pretty good job and says Show will lose what he has built up for himself when he gets beat at No Way Out. This leads to Vince announcing that, if Show loses, Laryngitis will be fired. This spurs a brawl between Cena and Show resulting in Vince being knocked out by Show. Ace and Show leave the ring as Cena checks on Vince to end the show.


FINAL VERDICT: RAW was definitely better than last week's show. Having said that, was it perfect? No. Was it amazing? No. It was enjoyable, however. Vince doesn't make much of a difference. However, Vader does. That was awesome.


So, there you have it folks. Another week and another RAW reviewed by Yours Truly. Thanks for reading and tune in next week if you wanna smell what “The Hoov Is Cookin'”!​