“The Distant Future”/"Follow Your Heart"
August 9th 10020
Super 8010 Year Spectacular
The Future Super Special Awesome Future Dome in Future Ryan, Future Oklahoma, Future Earth and broadcasted across the future globe in 159,999,999,976,554,234,560,193,291 future languages and future American dialects.
“He is a man of JUSTICE, and the righteous defender of our great planet,”
“He loves future flowers, especially future tulips,”
“He is a man of INTEGRITY, and has never roped a woman even at her most defenseless,”
“He loves future children, platonically,”
“He is a man of ZANKUSTILITY, and can do no wrong,”
“He loves FUTURE EARTH our great planet,”
“He is a man of ZEUSRION, and treats our great creator with respect, unlike our enemies,”
“And, Bua, he’s coming to the ring now, please the welcome, “J.I.Z.Z” Tri Bute,”
JUSTICE
INTEGRITY
ZANKUSTILITY
ZEUSRION
TRI BUTE IS HERE
TRI BUTE IS HERE
HE’S POWERFUL
LIKE NO OTHER
HE’S MASTERFUL
LIKE NO OTHER
HE’S DISATORFUL
LIKE NO OTHER
HE’S SUPER POWERFUL
TRIIIIIIIII YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI
YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
BUTE!
Tri Bute lowers from the ceiling in a coffin covered with blood and topped with several purple skulls. The fans chant “Tri Bute” as he steps out of the coffin, then he picks it up and hits it with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam).
“The coffin activated his trap card!”
“That can’t be good, Gol,”
Tri Bute picks up a microphone, “This is it guys, it’s time for me to make my great-granddad proud and all of you as well. This is it, THIS IS THE END OF OUR WAR! The Zondian Truth Bots, well, they put up a fight, but we won’t let them take full control. This is the only building left out of their control, but don’t worry, I’M TAKING A STAND TONIGHT! So, Zondians bring out your best truth bot, if you want one of your guys to become the 1st ever SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion, well then, you have TO GO THROUGH ME FIRST!”
“I have no doubt in my future mind that Tri Bute will rock him and sock him!” shouts Gol D.
WE ARE
ZONDIAN TRUTH BOTS
WE ARE
AUTOMATONS
WE ARE
ROBOTIC AND AWESOME
AUTOOOOMATONS!
Several robots beam down onto the stage, they all have microphones!
“Hello,”
“HUMAN,”
“We,”
“Accept,”
“YOUR CHALLENGE!”
The Zondian Truth Bots all combine together, to form an incredibly large Zondian Truth Bot with an even larger microphone.
“Puny Human, I AM ZON DIAN, THE ULTIMATE TRUTH BOT!” shouts the super truth bot as it shoots lasers out of it’s eyes, however before the lasers hit Butey he makes a force field with his hands and stops the lasers.
“You may be big, but there are a bunch of clichés that mean you aren’t better than me. So why don’t we just settle this in a KEY OF DESTINY MATCH!” says “J.I.Z.Z” Tri Bute.
“Bua, did he just say what I think he said?” asked Gol
“No way! That’s the most legendary match type ever, a KEY OF DESTINY match has never been completed before since in the part eight appearances both competitors died before completing the Ancient Riddle of Zorc, no earthling has even seen the Box of Truth either!”
“Tri Bute’s insane! I want to adopt children with that man! He just challenged a Zondian Truth Bot to his own game! ”
“FOOLISH HUMAN! Chance is you have not; I am smarter in every possible way! The riddle will be CAKE!” the super robot then laughs robotically!
“I hope I don’t get enslaved, but there’s just no way Tri Bute can beat five robots mixed into one! Especially in a KEY OF DESTINY MATCH! How will he solve the riddle faster than robots that have the answer programmed into them?”
“They only kind of know the answer already, first they must know the question!” says Bua Ckson.
“Bua, how exactly does the KEY OF DESTINY MATCH work? I actually haven’t been around to see one yet,” asks Gol D.
“Well the match operates on many stages, the two competitors compete in various contests, after each contest the winner will receive a letter, once a competitor receives all their letters they must try to form the Ancient Riddle of Zorc using all their letters then answer it correctly. The wrestler who solves the Ancient Riddle of Zorc will receive the KEY OF DESTINY and can use it to unlock the Box of Truth and obtain the greatest championship in our time, the SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Championship,” explains Bua.
“Sounds pretty simple,”
“Yeah, I don’t really understand all the hype either,”
“I saw this one match on Zerby 5 where the wrestlers had to bodyslam there opponents through various objects and got points from judges,”
“I remember that one, it sure was Unc Onventional, eh Gol?”
“I thought it was pretty Bod Yslamrific actually, get it we said the names of the wrestlers in the match!”
The robotic chuckle comes to a grandiose end with a mighty robotic cough. Tri Bute’s hand began to shake with a new feeling he had never quite felt before, however, with great sangfroid Butey stopped his trembling and looked Zon Dian in his cold lifeless robot face, “Then let’s start the match RoboFrag,”
“He just called Zon Dian gee!”
“He’ll pay for that! Probably!”
Referee Ref Eree started the match by signaling to the timekeeper to ring the bell, as the bell tolled the ring began to open up and both competitors rolled out of the ring to avoid being hit by it. The ring parts fell underground and a ball pit rose from the floor. Ring Announcer Mas Onryan took to the microphone.
“Stage 1 will be a BALL PIT OF JINGLING MATCH,” shouts Onryan!
The crowd pops because this is one of the coolest match types ever. “The judges for this contest will be, Mr. Gol D, Mr. Bua Ckson, and wrestling legend Terry Funk!” The commentator’s move from the commentary desks to the judge’s table right beside them and Terry Funk takes a seat next to them.
“For those of you living under a rock for the past twenty years, a BALL PIT OF JINGLING MATCH is a match where competitors search the BALL PIT OF PROMISCUITY for five balls with bells in them, called ‘ringers’. The first competitor to find a ringer will receive five bonus points, the first competitor to find two ringers will receive four bonus points, the first competitor to find three ringers will receive three bonus points, the first competitor to find four ringers will receive nine bonus points, and, finally, the first competitor to get five ringers will receive eleven bonus points.”
“At that point the BALL PIT OF PROMISCUITY will lower and the ring will reform, the competitors will do their ten minute future juggling routine. During the routine, the other competitor may call out future juggling moves for the future juggler to perform; if they perform them correctly they will receive fifty bonus points, however a smart future juggler knows their limits and can choose to decline a future juggling move at no penalty.”
“Hold on Gol, then why would you call out juggling moves in the first place if your opponent is going to get bonus points if they do them and take no penalty if they don’t?”
“The term is “future juggling”, and they are trying to trick them into dropping their ringers. The goal is to give your opponent a deceptively difficult challenge and have them accept it and fail.”
“What are bonus points for anyway?”
“I was getting to that, shut the flip up. At the end of each routine, the judges, you, Terry Funk, and I will score the routine out of 100. Then each of our scores will be added together and any bonus points will be tacked on to that. The performer with the highest score will win the match, and receive one letter of the Ancient Riddle of Zorc. Any more questions, stupid face?”
“Yeah, so the first competitor gets his fifth ringer and the pit lowers, right? Well, does the other wrestler have to future juggle with less balls or what?” asks Bua.
“Good question, no, the competitor just misses out on the eleven bonus points, after the first wrestler’s routine the other competitor can use some of his opponent’s ringers with a ten point reduction for each one they need to get to five, anymore good questions, ace plug?”
“Nope, those are all the noticeable flaws in this match’s original description that I caught, Terry did you catch any?”
“Why are the points for finding ringers so jumbled up?” asks Terry.
“If you make the same logic jumps as whoever made it up, it totally makes sense,”
“Thanks Gol,”
Zon Dian and “J.I.Z.Z.” Tri Bute dive into the ball pit and immediately start their search for ringers. Both competitors grab as many balls as they can and start shaking them, listening intently for the sweet bombilation.
“No luck yet!”
“I love their technique! After a ball fails to ring it just gets tossed at the wrestler’s opponent causing confusion!”
“It also makes the search harder since you have to wave through your opponents worthless balls as well,”
Zon Dian shakes another set of balls, but it proves futile. After tossing the worthless balls at Tri Bute, Dian pointed his left arm at Butey and prepares his laser!
“Tri Bute! Move out of the way!”
Tri Bute gets hit with a laser knocking him out of the ring! Zon Dian starts shaking balls at an even faster speed tossing worthless balls out of the ring until finally finding the first ringer!
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 0
Butey quickly returns to the ball pit and hits Zon with a spear before he can find a second ringer. Then he picks up Dian and hits the super robot with a Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). After some more rummaging Tri Bute finds his first ringer, however the score remains since Zon found his first, first.
“Even if Tri Bute finds his second ringer first, he will still be behind!”
“Oh no!”
The wrestlers continue to wade through the ball pit, shaking balls, listening for that pleasant ringing, but they keep hearing NOTHING! Which should be expected in this type match.
“This match is kind of like trying to find future needles in future hay-stacks right?” asks Gol.
“I’d say so, well more like trying to find 5 ringers in a ball pit,”
“For our blind fans; THE BALL PIT IS HUGE!”
“Obviously, just look at it.”
“Um,”
“Oh right,”
“Yeah,”
Tri Bute and Zon Dian continue through the ball pit, finally, Butey finds his second ringer!
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 4
“Don’t you think it’s a little boring to watch a couple of guys play with balls?” asks Bua.
“Actually, I buy pay-per-views just to see that,”
Then, Tri Bute takes a look to his left because something caught his eye! Slowly his arm dips into the ball pit, STRAIGHT TOWARDS A RINGER! HOW COULD HE TELL IT WAS DIFFERENT? He lifts the ringer out of the ball pit and the crowd cheers at the sound of its sweet bombilation!
“Wow! I think we just saw evolution take place!”
“Doesn’t that take thousands of years?”
“How else do you explain him being able to just pull the ringer out of the pile like that?”
“Science?”
“Exactly!”
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 7
“And with the power of science, Tri Bute takes the lead, he only needs two more ringers to get to the future juggling part!”
Tri Bute let’s out a big laugh and points at Zon Dian, “The next one is worth nine RoboFrag, and I’ve just become more powerful than you could possibly imagine!”
Zon Dian gets visibly upset which is difficult for a future robot to pull off. In a fit of robotic rage Dian began to spray a fusillade of psy-bullets at our great hero, but using future force fields Butey is able to deflect the psy-bullets, and ricocheting into countless plastic balls, incinerating them on contact!
“How stupid of Tri Bute! What if he hit ringers?”
“Ringers are indestructible, acebrain.”
Due to his artificial intelligence, Zon Dian continues to fire shooting the force field and incinerating more of the balls, it really doesn’t do anything for him. Butey uses this to his advantage and begins to pick up balls that are still intact and shake them while keeping the future force field up to evade the fusillades. This gets Butey his 4th ringer!
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 16
“Hopefully Tri Bute can keep this up and get the fifth ringer before getting Super Smash Bros. Force Field Damage.”
“Super Smash Bros. Force Field Damage?”
“One of the drawbacks of Force Fielding,”
“AGHH,” screams Tri Bute!
“And there it is,”
Tri Bute’s shields go down and he finds himself face down in the balls with his hands on his stomach.
“Butey looks like a total rookie; he should learn how to balance his shield time,”
“Was that the Super Smash Bros. Force Field Damage?”
“Yes, although it is a lot more hefty than it is in the game,”
“Ouch,”
Luckily, at the same time his shields go down, Zon Dian runs out of psy-bullets. However his onslaught is not finished, just temporarily put on hold.
“How long do you think Butey will be down for?”
“Super Smash Bros. Force Field Damage hurts a lot, so probably enough time for Zon Dian to find a few ringers,”
And that he does, the many incinerated balls leave few to wade through, without much effort Zon Dian finds four more bringing his total up to four, while Tri Bute remains at four.
Since there are only a few balls left in the ball pit at all, Dian tosses a few psy-grenades and blows up some non-ringers. A ball escapes one of the explosions and rolls right in front of Tri Bute, both competitors hear the sweet ringing sound. Tri Bute tries to crawl to it, but Zon Dian beats him too it, before he picks it up Butey leaps to his feet and does a back flip taking him away from the ringer and Zon Dian, he is careful not to make the same mistake as his grandfather. THEN SOMETHING EXPLODES! PIECES OF ZON DIAN FLY INTO THE CROWD! Butey dives and picks up the fifth ringer!
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 27
“Hold on why did Zon Dian explode?” asks Gol D.
“Let’s do an instant replay with the microscopic future cameras!” shouts Bua, “I think I know what Butey might’ve done!”
A slow-motion re-play is shown on the future titan tron. It shows Butey crawling towards the ringer as Dian rolls over to it, then jumping back, Ckson has them rewind it the zoom in on Butey’s hands, you can see a really small explosive future device in his hand and him tossing it at the ringer before doing a back flip and escaping it’s explosion!
“Just as I thought! “J.I.Z.Z” Tri Bute is a seasoned professional! Not only did he use the microsuperfuture bomb to its full effectiveness, with strategy and all that, but also he totally totaled his opponent! He may even be awarded the fall if Zon Dian can’t continue after that,”
“But even then he’ll have all the other challenges to face, remember this is only for one letter! And no one has even lived to read the Ancient Riddle of Zorc.”
Tri Bute picks up a microphone while Zon Dian lies in pieces, “So Zonny Boy, is that all you got? I’m not even considered an elite human and I just dismantled the ship out of you, mo’suckra, I only have five fingers on each hand and guess what I can do? Too slow, I can beat the best Truth Bot you got! I’m saving the galaxy, and you can put that on your robot scum ace while I give it the “J.I.Z.Z” treatment!”
The crowd starts chanting, “Justice, Integrity, Zankustility, Zeusrion” as the scene fades to black. To be continued?
Dear Diary,
That’s what I capable of, I can evolve on the spot, who cares if I only have ten fingers! Nobodies going to call me “Five Finger Frag” here because that’s the norm here and it makes me sick. So, a future specimen like me and my trusty slave versus two inbred cow flippers? Guess who wins that? Spoiler Alert! ME! TRI BUTE “THE FUTURE WARRIOR!”
I have skills, I know what to do with tables, and I know how to make things work out my way. Vio Lent and I will TAKE THE PAST!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”
Dear Diary,
That hardcore tag match last week was quite the rodeo! Lawry and I sure tried our best, but I guess it wasn’t good enough. No harm done, I still have a few title shots to cash in from winning the SUPER #1 Contender match about a year back, so I’ll be facing Andy Ridge for the SSAW World Lightweight Championship, tonight. Hopefully this one gets to start! YEHAW! I like Ridge, this’ll be a fun match!
Okay bye!,
“Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett
Dear Diary,
So I meant Jonathon’s wife, Seraphina, the other day. It’s really weird, I feel like we have a much deeper connection than “Beach that stole my man”. She even kind of looks like that baby would of if we didn’t get that abortion. We were so young and naïve then, we’d probably even name her something hipsterific, like Seraphina or Champagne.
She was nice, she even called me father a few times for some reason, but she’s going to die just like Champagne. Terry’s right, it’s not Grievous’ way, but gosh Damon it’s the only way to get to him.
I’ll make it fun. Only a few months left. August 4th. Seraphina’s last glass.
It’s what Terry Funk would do,
Jonathon Gold
Dear Diary,
I’m turning over a new leaf. No more running in at the wrong times, no more falling asleep when I’m suppose to be helping Lenty and Butey win. The time I was hand cuffed took a toll on me, I even had to start a Hulu Plus subscription to watch the episodes of Glee I missed. I need to regain Tri Bute’s trust. He has the power to make my life a living heck at the snap of his fingers, and, well, if you can’t beat them, join them. I’ll make sure Taking The Past walks out with the prestigious SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships. I’ll put one through a table myself!
Sincerely,
“The Submission Warrior” Exe Cution
Maximum Pain 3
May 5th 2024
The Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 687 languages and American dialects!
“Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac and “The Murder Tank” Vance Turner defeated “Weird Way To Spell Jeff” Geoffzxs Pine and El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan went Zodiac hit Rest in Pieses (Tombstone Piledriver) to Pine to get the three in the dark match.
POWERS THAT BE
GIVE US YOUR POWER
SO WE CAN USE THAT POWER
FOR GOOD
HEALING POWERS
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
HEALNG POWERS
TO SAVE HUMANITY
HEALING POWERS
LIKE HOGAN AND SAVAGE WOULD
THE HEALING POWERS
Doctor Pring and Doctor Wood roll into the ring after high-fiving the front row fans. They quickly set their stethoscopes down and prepare to face off against Lightning In The Jungle, the team of Holden Ross and Ryan Flanders. However, instead of entering from the back like a normal team would, Lighting In The Jungle roll out from under the ring and sneakily hit The Healing Powers with synchronized Springboard Double Foot Stomps to the back of the head! Holden Ross takes Doctor Wood out of the ring so the match can begin!
“Jumping crickets! This match sure started with a bang!” says Buackson.
“Is it 9/11? Because I’ll never forget that mo’suckra!” shouts Jonathon Gold.
Flanders immediately starts putting the hurt on Pring, working the neck and back mostly, since those were the areas Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) affected last week. Little did he know, Doctor Pring, by using medicine, healed those wounds and walked into the match at 100% physical condition. Flanders’ attempts at making him humble were made futile when Pring easily grabbed the bottom rope causing Elder Justice to break the hold.
“Good strategy by Pring; I had forgotten all about the rule where if you get the ropes the hold is broken,”
“Yeah, I totally thought he was done for!”
Noticing Pring’s apparent ring smarts Flanders goes for the more fast-paced style we see from him anyway, instead of trying to get a submission victory. Flanders attempts a ROLLING CROSSBODY, but Pring moves out of the way and hits a ROLLING ENZIGURI! Pring continues off of this momentum and springboards off the top turnbuckle and hits an Inward 450 Degree Splash into a pin!
1…
2…
“ROSS KICKS HIM IN THE HEAD!”
“What a cheapo!”
Wood enters the ring with a Springboard Double Foot Stomp to the back of the head onto Ross, giving him a prescription of his own medicine. Wood rolls Ross onto the floor and hits him with a Springboard Legdrop to the outside. Meanwhile, Flanders rolls over onto Pring who is still selling the kick to the head; he is able to kick out at two.
“This match is an intense one!”
“You know, The Healing Powers kind of remind me of a younger, faster, stronger, edgier version of The Mega Powers!”
Doctor Pring and Ryan Flanders exchange punches and jumping leg kicks, until Pring catches Flanders by surprise with a ROLLING CROSSBODY. Pring quickly stumbles to his feet and hits Flanders with a Standing Moonsault followed by a Standing Shooting Star Press, then climbs to the top rope and hits the Super Kneecolepsy (Double Knee Moonsault From The Top Rope) to get the win for his team.
“The Healing Powers receive their first win in SSAW!”
“I’m happy for them!” says Johnny Buackson.
“Okay, let’s not waste anymore time, onto our next contest!”
“What’s the hurry?”
“Well the shorter this show is, the shorter we have to wait until the Super 14 Year Spectacular event! That’s when I’m going to kill your w-,” Gold stops himself.
“What Gold?”
“That’s when I’m at my best, I feel like I do my best commentating at our anniversary events,”
“Oh, there’s still two more shows after this one Gold.”
“I have a countdown thing going, I am really excited!”
Mike Submission and Neil Furious entered the ring for our next contest. Submission took an early advantage by locking in several different submission moves and cycling between several different holds, but Furious responded with some submission moves of his own! Submission was able to lock in an armbar but Neil Furious quickly stacked him. Mike rolled his shoulder over before the referee started the three count.
“They are doing submission moves in this match!”
“Yep!”
Submission’s submission move assault quickly comes to an end when Neil reverses a Boston Crab and kicks him sending him into the corner. Neil Furious stumble to his feet and hits Mike Submission with a quick ROLLING ELBOW! Mike stumbles forward allowing Furious to easily put him on his shoulders. He is about halfway through hitting Submission with a F-5 but Submission turns it into X-Factor in midair and immediately pins him!
“This could be it!”
1…
“SubX! Submission just hit this move for the first time!”
2…
“NO FLIPPING WAY! WHAT THE FLIP, SHIP!”
“Furious! Kicked! Out! GREIVOUS CRISP!”
Submission quickly locks in a Camel Clutch, but the crowd quickly gets behind Neil allowing him to elbow his way out of the hold and hit a Jawbuster to Submission, breaking his clutch. Neil hammers Submission with several punches before hitting a really ugly looking Hurricanrana into a pin!
1…
2…
Submission rolls through and grabs the ropes, the referee is so excited that he misses the rope grabbing and simply counts the pin!
“SUBMISSION JUST CHEATED TO WIN!”
“I HOPE HE GOES TO HECK AND DIES!”
“Sir Sleeperhold” Mike Submission quickly heads to the back as our next contest begins.
“The following contest is scheduled for one fall and it is for the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship! Entering first, sometimes he goes by “Mr. Yakuza Kick”, the champion, Andy RIIIIIIIIIIDGGGGGE!!!!!!1” announces ring announcer Troy Stone.
KICK IT
Andy Ridge runs down the ramp and high-fives some of his fans.
I AM A COWBOY
I LOVE DA RODEO
I AM COWBOY
MILKIN’ DEM COWS IS ALLS I NOSE
YEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW!
YEEEEEEEEEE-
JBC’s music is cut off when Flanders and Satriani attack him with nail chairs on the ramp. They bring him down with a Nail-Chair Con-Chair-Toe! Flanders and Satriani immediately hit him with more chair shots as he sells it. The referee throws the match out giving JBC the win via disqualification, at least it wasn’t the main event this time. Andy Ridge runs towards The Hardcore Express as they hit JBC with a lethal barrage of chair shots, but when he enters the ramp-side of the ring he is quickly attacked by a debuting mega star who rolled out form under the ring.
The mystery superstar hits Andy Ridge over the head with a pipe knocking him out cold. “Who is this mystery man?” ponders Jonathon Gold aloud, but only our live crowd knew the answer to that as he wrestled in the dark match earlier. “Flip you Zodiac” clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, “Flip you Zodiac,” cheered the crowd while the mystery man grabbed a microphone.
“Yes, it is I, “The Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac. And, it looks like Ridge here didn’t check his horoscope for today!” Zodiac pulls Ridge to his feet and immediately hits him with Sweet Cancer Music (Sweet Chin Music (Superkick)), Zodiac then vertical leaps onto the apron and climbs to the top rope and hits Ridge with Ophiuchus Heart Surgery (Open Hart Surgery (630 Degree Splash)). Zodiac stumbles to his feet and pulls some dirt out of his tights; he puts the dirt on the floor and kicks onto Ridge.
“This is just blatant disrespect,” says Buackson.
“This Zodiac price has done nothing to win me over; he is such a dock,”
“Speaking of his dock, look what he’s doing to the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship!”
Zodiac picks up the belt and stuffs it in his tights, then he pulls it out and sets it on Ridge’s lifeless body. Zodiac hocks a loogy into the ring and blows this taco stand, while Flanders and Satriani continue to beat down John Boy Corbett with nail chairs, however their lengthy onslaught soon comes to an end when Lawrence Alamo runs down to the ring with a cowbell; he quickly knocks out Satriani with the bell and trades punches with Flanders.
Alamo and Flanders brawl their way to the ring and the referee begins their first round bout in the 2nd Great American Tournament! The 2nd Great American Tournament is for the vacant SSAW Global Warrior Championship and the final will take place at the Super 14 Year Spectacular in three months time!
“Okay, I lied,” says Gold, just out of the blue.
“What?”
“You asked me why I just want the Anniversary Show to get here.”
“I did.”
“And, I just made up some bullcrop about being EXITED ab-,”
“You left out a c,”
“Excited about the greatest spectacle of them all, a year removed from Tri Bute’s interesting tale, but I don’t really care about any of that. In fact I won’t even be here in Ryan, I’ll be at your baby shower!”
“My baby shower?”
“Seraphina’s pregnant!” says Gold! “That flipping slot,” he whispers under his breath.
“Oh right,” sighs Buackson, “I don’t know why that had to be on the same day as the Anniversary, and planned out so far in advance or why we are talking about it now, but yeah, it’s good that you are excited.”
The two wrestlers fight each other in the match; Flanders even hits Alamo with a Drop Toe Hold sending him face-first into Zodiac’s loogy! Alamo and Flanders traded Suplexes and other badace moves, but when Flanders hit his first piledriver it sent a shiver up the spines of our guides in this wonderful world of edginess.
1…
2…
“ALAMO IS RESILENT!”
Flanders slaps the mat and prepares to hit Alamo with another piledriver, but Alamo reverses it with a Hurricanrana and sends him into the corner. Alamo rushes at Flanders, going for his signature Alamoer Splash (Stinger Splash), but Cactus ducks down and dodges the splash. Flanders grabs his legs as they float over him and he hits Alamo with a Parts Unknown Slam (Alabama Slam (Double Leg Slam)).
“Taking a page out of the wrestling legend’s playbook!”
“Extreme Hailey was the best.”
Instead of pinning Alamo, Flanders sends several elbow to his face and climbs to the top rope. Flanders prays then leaps off for a Senton Bomb but Alamo rolls out of the way at the last second. Alamo crawls onto Flanders and pins him, but he kicks out at two.
“What does it take to put down Cactus Flanders?”
“Flanders is one tough ace motherflipper,” says Gold, “He especially enjoys flipping analogy Virginias,”
“We don’t need to talk about sodomy, Gold,”
“You call it sodomy, I CALL IT LOVE!” Jonathon shows shades of Triple H and slams his fist into the table.
Alamo and Flanders trade punches while outside of the ring, on the ramp, Master Satriani comes to and continues to beat our great hero John Boy Corbett with a nail chair. He drives the nail into his hand and then stomps on the chair repeatedly before laying him down on a Bamboo Table (since he is Asian). Master Satriani sets up a ladder and climbs up it with his back to JBC. He calls out “Hey Lawrence you are gee,” causing Alamo to break his concentration from the punch exchange. Satriani then lets go of the ladder and falls backward putting JBC through the Bamboo Table.
“EDGY!”
“John Boy Corbett has been murdered right in front of us!”
Alamo drops everything and stares at the metaphorical corpse of his best friend, a single tear rolls down his cowboy face as Cactus Flanders spins him around and then hits Alamo with The Cactus Prickle (ROLLING SAMOAN SPIKE).
1…
2…
“HOLY SHIP ALAMO KICKED OUT?”
“That move has killed people before and he just kicks out at two?”
Flanders gets to his feet and begins to argue with the referee, distracting him momentarily while “The Agent” Mild Walsh enters through the crowd and rolls into the ring.
“What’s Mild Walsh doing here? He’s Kyle O’Reilly’s manager!”
“O’Reilly is gone, Gold, he’s Kyle Greenwood now. But it looks like “The Agent” has found new clients!”
Walsh throws a Fireball at Alamo and quickly hides, at this point Flanders pulls Alamo up and hits him with 3 Cactus Prickles (ROLLING SAMOAN SPIKE) with the third finally taking him down. Flanders falls onto Alamo and pins him.
1…
2…
3! Cactus Flanders joins Francis Barbecue, Tri Bute and whoever wins the other round 1 match at a later date in the Semi-Finals of the 2nd Great American Tournament for the Vacant SSAW Global Warrior Championship. Master Satriani, Mild Walsh and Cactus Flanders share a hug in the ring before Satriani slips a nail chair under Alamo’s face and hands Flanders another nail chair. Flanders smirks as he hits Alamo with a One-man Nail-Con-Chair-To. Walsh picks up a Nail Chair of his own and the trio pulls Alamo to his feet and hit him with a Three-man Nail-Con-Chair-To. Walsh raises Satriani’s and Flanders’ arms as we head backstage.
“We have to follow that?” says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) to his friends “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute and Vio Lent (Tyler Black).
“Yup,” says Tri Bute, “We have to prove that we are the real top heels, not those two Hardcore Express losers. We’ll win our tag match and become the new SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions.”
“You and I, Butey,” says Lent as he holds Bute’s left hand with his, “It’s our destiny,”
Tri Bute pulls his hand away. He looks down at the floor, and then begins to speak. “I wish it were true, Lent, I sure do, but, I don’t think I know anything I thought I knew. It was my destiny to win the SSAW Global Warrior title at Super Baker’s Dozen Spectacular, but it didn’t happen. And that was something that was meant to happen something that did happen when you looked at the history books in the time I once lived.
Destiny doesn’t flipping mean anything anymore. I’ve been clinging to an alternate reality for the past nine months, something that obviously wasn’t right any more just pretending I could fix it by winning it later. I tried stacking the odds against JBC, but that did nothing. He found a way to best me, in this timeline John Boy Corbett is even stronger than he was, or worse I’m just weaker.
I’ve been flipping with time and it flipped me back, but I need to get back on top. I need to show time that the real man is, but it’s too late, I missed my window. Now I just need to make sure that I end up being born at all in this timeline.
I doubt I’ve even won those 8000 titles now, because when I woke up this morning, well,”
“What?”
“My dock was smaller, and I checked my spearmint count it was higher than it was the night before right after I flipped after two-thousands pounds of chicks.” says Tri Bute.
“Flipping animals is wrong, Tri Bute, that’s disgusting.”
“And do I pride myself on being a clean-cut rule follower? No I don’t. I pride myself on being an animal-abusing murderer out for revenge. I’m not a misunderstood protagonist; I’m an unmistakably horrible terrible antagonist with no redeeming qualities whatsoever; I hate the music everyone else likes, except Darren Criss songs, and I enslave people. My only friends are you two and I treat you like ship. I treat you like cronies that I can control with my mind. But, as I was saying after that much flipping my spearmint count should have been significantly lower with just a night’s rest, but it seems our timeline changed. That wild night with literally a ton of chicks just didn’t happen or maybe it was only a half-ton.
Don’t tell me it’s our destiny to win; the other timeline’s Tri Bute never even won the tag belts, but if we do or don’t win, well, what if that leads to me not existing at all as well? This time travel thing is probably something you should just think long and hard about the repercussions of it happening first before you do it. It was just me being arrogant and angry thinking I’d go back and just do the things the other timeline’s Tri Bute did, but he was a beast with a bigger dock than me and I have a small dock, less chicks, and probably less title reigns when I’m actually born.”
Tri Bute’s eyes fill with tears as he realizes everything he knew was a lie. Exe Cution puts his arms around Tri Bute and embraces him tightly.
“Tri Bute, just don’t think about your past and everything you were meant to do. Forget it. It worthless trivia on a topic no one is going to host a trivia game about. Stop the self-glorification and just focus on the relationships and friends you’ve made in this timeline. You disappear or cease to exist if you follow your heart.”
“Follow my heart?” asks Butey.
“Yes, if you listen to your heart Butey it will never lead you astray or to a point of certain dang-nation it will only lead you to happiness and love, beautiful unconditional love!”
“And, how do I do that, Exe?”
“Let me try,” Cution puts his head to Butey’s chest. Butey tries to move away but Cution holds him still and hushes his opposition. “I think I hear it,” shouts Cution, then he sings Tri Bute’s heart’s message.
“Teamwork and honestly swiftly breakdown
A murderous make-up complete with a gown
As a betrayer threatens my boyhood home
As capitalism strives with the strength of a comb
I’ve been petered or broken for most of my days
Lemmings are worthless as are blue jays
My loved ones are deadbeats who love to fart
Disarray of at the base of my soothing rampart
Zeusrion waiting in plain sight
Zondian victory and the wave of a kite
But an answer lies deeply inside me, you see
Just not exactly something that fills me with glee
I’m sorry if I sound mega angsty
As blankets of lust cover me, sweetie
The death of an angel provides sacred wings
But the vicious murder of hope in me sings
It sings for justice and hatred, wrong doing of course
A bloody eternal stomping dead horse
The forgotten village in S.F. C.A.
Where freedom meets integrity down by the bay
A line sown so suddenly into dead flesh
A fortunate camp-site all covered with mesh
A blasphemous Celtic surrounded by kelp
A long-dead horizon just waiting for help
A Barbecue’s cooking with Zankustility
The SSAW tag belts are my destiny
The Distant Future is in front of me
I’ve been blind for so long, now it’s time to see
Lawless abandonment have turned over my cart
Fiendish embraces have swallowed my art
Thick-skinned glory is falling apart
If only you follow your heart”
“Even your heart knows you should follow your heart, Butey,”
“Exe, that’s beautiful, that’s, that’s exactly what the songs in the future sounded like difficult compositions with breathtaking darrencriss lyrics! Vio Lent and my heart are correct; winning the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships is our destiny. If what you said is true Cution, then winning them tonight won’t change the future in this timeline.”
“So, then we must win tonight Butey, your very existence may very well depend on it,” says Lent.
“Well, it’s time to face my destiny, men, and we just need to put one of those Barbecue boys through a table to do it,” says Tri Bute as the three of them leave the scene and we head to the ring for our main event.
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
I JUST GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU LED TO THE WATER
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
LET THE BODIES HIT THE
FLOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!11
Three caskets decorated with purple skulls and seal blood lower from the rafters attached to a black chain, when the caskets hit the ground the chains detach from the rafters and fall onto the caskets. The two caskets on the outside slowly open and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) step out of them.
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
Exe Cution and Vio Lent open up the middle casket and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute rises out of it with a microphone in hand. HE BEGINS TO SING!
“Honey came in and she caught me red-handed, creeping with the girl next door. Picture this we were both butt naked; banging on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there; she never took her eyes off me.”
“Ew. No,” comments Exe Cution.
“My sentiments exactly, Exe, THE NATURAL BORN GRILLERS WERE LISTINING TO CLASSIC RAP!” announces Tri Bute.
“That’s just wrong!” says Lent.
“Exactly! Songs about adultery are disgusting, and in the 10000s, they’re extinct everyone knows them for what they are. DIRTY SONGS THAT ENCOURAGE NASTY BEHAVIOR!”
“That’s right Butey. If the Grillers listen to music like THAT, well, it just makes me wonder how they treat their girlfriends.”
“Like animals, I’d guess, lock them in the basement, only let them out to urinate or defecate, and watch as they do. Maybe even slowly masticate as they do their business, stroke up and down their hard as rock cook. Before they flush they grab the woman by the head and force her face first into the toilet, not enough to drown her, but at the same time just enough to get the thrill.
They undue their pants and force the mouth, making sure they know what happens if they bite. And, if they do, well, there’s a shotgun on the shelf to put them down with,” says Butey.
“It’s our destiny to win the title from the Grillers tonight. We can’t let HUMAN TRAFFICKING PEOPLE who listen to CLASSIC RAP plague those belts anymore,” says Lenty.
“We will win for the sake of JUSTICE, INTEGRITY, ZANKUSTILITY, and ZEUSRION, or J.I.Z.Z. for short. The Grillers are horrible people who represent everything wrong with this time. Allow me to list all the ‘artists’ they like and I don’t and I’m sure you’ll agree with me: Shaggy, Cast of High School Musical, Dolly Parton, Taylor Swi-,”
I LOVE STEAK
I LOVE SAUCE
OH SHIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!
STEAK IS GOOD
SAUCE IS GOOD
OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD
SHAGGY IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
T-SWIZZ IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
BARBEQ IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
ME AND YOU R ROCKIN’ TO NIEY YITE
YOU AND ME ARE FUNKIN’ TO NITE
Gene Barbecue wheels out his brother Francis Barbecue who is still in a full-body cast from last month’s assault by Vio Lent. They both have the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships draped across their shoulders, but Gene has a microphone. Tears pour down his face as he talks slowly into it.
“My brother, Francis, is in no condition to compete tonight; he isn’t medically cleared. He can’t walk on his own, but after speaking with The Rock, I’ve been told that the titles must be defended tonight! The show must go on! The Rock said he didn’t care if I had to wrestle a handicap table match. So here we are, Rock! You can be a total dock to us, make us defy the doctor’s orders, and we just have to take it.
Something’s gotten into you, Rock, and I don’t know if you are just mad with power, or just a flipping sick piece of ship, but, I know this. If I fight, I’ll fight as much as I can. If Francis fights, he’ll fight as hard as he can. And, we will do what needs to be done! Even if that means breaking the mold that time sets on us, even if it means crossing Father Time and changing once set in stone events.
I bring the steak and he brings the sauce. AND TABLES? WELL THAT’S FAIR GAME!”
Gene wipes some sweat off of his forehead. “Rock, you can play your games, you can do your little ‘self-important inept authority figure who finishes angles awkwardly’ routine, but when it involves my family and I, you are crossing a line. So after we’re done here beating up these future thugs, we’re going back to your office and having ourselves a BARBECUE! WE ARE GOING TO BURN YOU AT THE STAKE! Then we’re gonna eat you. Daddy says it’s okay to eat after matches and you’ll be the only piece of meat left on the table. We are serving up fried Rock, a foreign delicacy, but it always tastes like chicken.
Get it? Chicken? ‘Cause yous afraid of us. You think that just because we still let our daddy beat us that we’re afraid to rise up to authority? Is that what you think Rock? Well, as Lent, Bute, and Cution said, I listen to CLASSIC RAP. Little Wayne, Shaggy, and Weird Al, but Eminem taught me the most. He was Hip-Hop’s Elvis after all, he taught me to never be afraid to take a stand and that sometimes it’s alright to lose myself.
BUT I’M DOING THAT FIRST THING! I’m taking a stand and like I said, you better board up your office because you’re going through a table next, Rock. MOAR SAUCE FOR YOUR STEAK WILL BE YOUR FATE!”
Gene pulls the Francis’ gurney to the ring and leaps inside hitting Tri Bute, Vio Lent, Exe Cution with a SPRINGBOARD ROLLING TRIPLE CLOSELINE as the bells rings. The strike sends Exe Cution and Lent out of the ring and knocks Butey against the ropes. Gene runs at him and tries to hit a Cactus Closeline, but Butey dodges it and immediately hits him with a Release German Suplex. “Steaky” Gene Barbecue rolls to his feet immediately with determination driving him and he hits Butey with the Steakbreaker (Codebreaker (Double Knee Facebuster)) it doesn’t take him down so Gene follows up with a superkick to force Tri Bute to the ground.
“Gene is a home on fire!”
“Someone call 911!”
Exe Cution enters the ring and goes for a Springboard Armdrag, but Gene dodges it and allows him to fall on the ground, then as Cution gets to his feet he superkicks him as well. Lent, thinking he is hidden, goes for a Double Axe Handle, but Gene senses his presence and hits him with a superkick using his other foot.
“Gene has superkicked everyone!” shouts Gold as Gene superkicks the referee, Johnny Buackson, Jonathon Gold, his own partner, and then himself.
Gene then springs to his feet no selling the vicious superkick to himself. Gene pulls his two opponents and Exe Cution to their feet and goes for a ROLLING TRIPLE SUPERKICK, but it’s only a ROLLING SUPERKICK as Butey and Lenty move out of the way in time and only Exe Cution takes the blow. Cution flies out of the ring but Gene doesn’t get too much time to celebrate. Lent and Tri Bute immediately hit him with a ROLLING DOUBLE SUPLEX! Lent locks in a ROLLING REST HOLD while Tri Bute picks up Gene’s SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championship.
Lent’s rest hold may be pointless in this match, but no more pointless than in any other match, it is merely locked in to keep Gene in place while Tri Bute takes out a singular piece of masking tape from his tights and sticks it to the belt.
“NO! THE TAPE!”
“Tri Bute has just extended his mind control powers so now he has Lent, Cution and now Gene’s half of the SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championship under his control.”
“Will it work? Our title belts are edgy and awesome, but they don’t have brains. Brains are necessary for mind control, right? THIS IS JUST SYMBOLIC, RIGHT?”
Tri Bute tosses the belt onto the mat, “Crucio!” bellows Butey as he starts up the torture setting of his mind control powers from the future. The belt sits frozen in pain as Gene watches on all locked up with Lent’s rest hold. Tears fall from his as he slowly fades out. Then the crowd starts clapping rhythmically for him.
“The crowd is getting behind Gina!”
Gene is able to fight to his feet, elbow out of Lent’s rest hold and hit Lent with a Powerbomb to the outside of the ring. Gene then turns to Butey, who is still focusing on torturing the championship belt, and hits him with a ROLLINIG GRILLDIRT (ROLLING PAYDIRT (ROLLING LEAPING REVERSE STO)).
“Grilldirt! This has never been kicked out of!”
“It’s a tables match so it will remain that way!”
Gene rolls to the outside and gets a table then he rolls in and sets it up in the corner. “I’m going to put one of my opponents through this!” shouts Gene before he runs over to Tri Bute and whips him into the table. Gene charges, however, Lenty cuts him off with a ROLLING SPEAR possibly knocking him unconscious. Exe Cution rolls into the ring and Tri Bute steps away from the table. They all turn their attention to Francis Barbecue who is lying on the gurney in a full-body cast on the outside.
“NO HE’S PRETTY MUCH ALREADY DEAD!” shouts Gold, concerned for Barbecue’s well being.
“What do you think they’re going to do, Gold?” asks Buackson but his question is answered when Lent climbs up to the top rope and dives onto Francis; hitting him with a Spiral Tap. Cution follows after him hitting a Leg Drop by jumping off the apron. Butey finishes the sequence of hatred by hitting Francis with a Springboard Tri Bute To The Doomed (Springboard Leg-Clap Frogsplash) putting Francis through the stretcher. Tri Bute gets to his feet and brushes himself off. Then once satisfied by his appearance, he snaps his fingers giving Cution and Lent the signal to pick up “A1” Francis Barbecue and slide him into the ring.
Once all three of them and Francis get into the ring though they are not alone, Gene tries to get some more offence in, but after hitting the gang with several bodyslams the numbers game catches up to him and he is pounded and stomped into the mat by Taking The Past’s hands and feet. Vio Lent hits Gene with a ROLLING PEOPLE’S ELBOW while Cution hits a ROLLING FIVE KUCKLE SHUFFLE!
“Wow! That’s the ultimate tag team move!”
Cution them locks in the Future Submission Lock (Sharpshooter) while Vio Lent pulls a feather out of his tights and initiates Tickle Torture (Tickling With A Feather). “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”, looked on and laughed before putting Francis Barbecue onto his shoulders and hits him with Tri Bute Doll (Blu-Ray (Death Valley Driver Into The Corner)) and through the table to win the match.
“This is disgusting, I can’t believe The Rock made The Grillers defend the belts under such circumstances.”
“I’d believe it, Rock is a price,”
“A small one at that.”
The referee hands Tri Bute and Vio Lent the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships, Lent releases the hold and poses for a swarm of photographers.
“That’s a lot of photographers, why are there so many?”
“FOR THE BENEFIT OF THOSE WITH FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY”
Tri Bute and Vio Lent turn around to see who said that and eat a Double Spear from none other than “The Ultimate Opportunist” EDGE! Christian rolls into the ring and hits Exe Cution with a Killswitch (Unprettier (Inverted Double Underhook Facebuster)), E & C pose over the new SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions with the belts held high over their heads and cameras flashing everywhere.
“OH MY GOSH IT’S LIKE WE JUST STEPPED INTO ONE OF MY WET DREAMS!” shouts Gold.
“Those guys are attitude era LEGENDS! Now they’re here in the EDGY ERA! What will happen now?” asks Buackson!
THE ROCK IS A GREAT MAN
DUH NA NA
HE’S SO FLIPPING AWESOME
YEAAAAAAAAA YEAAAAAAAA
THE ROCK SAYS
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock enters and stands on the ramp with a microphone.
“I’d like you all to give a warm SSAW welcome to the next challengers for the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championship, Edge and Christian!”
Gene Barbecue slowly makes his way out of the ring carrying his borther Francis Barbecue on his back while the SSAW Universe is on their feet welcoming the two WRESTLING LEGENDS OF WRESTLING for the first time ever.
Gene carries his brother up the ramp while The Rock, Edge, and Christian talk about memories on the road, how much they all like each other, and all that other ship, but Gene doesn’t hear any of it. He just watches The Rock’s lips move up and down. His dumb eyebrows rise!
“Now trending of MYSPACE!” shouts The Rock referring to some two-word phrase he said a second ago.
Gene walks by The Rock on the stage but before he takes his brother to the back Rock stops him.
“Don’t take him to far, Gene, I have another announcement. The main event of next month’s show along with Taking The Past vs. E & C will be Cactus Flanders versus your brother in a second round match in The 2nd Great American Tournament. Hopefully he heals up by then, but honestly I couldn’t care less about his candy ace.”
Gene Barbecue sets down his brother and jumps at The Rock. The Rock dodges a closeline from Gene and runs to the back while armed security guards swoop in and swarm Gene. The scene fades to black as Gene shouts, “This isn’t over Rock,” over the chaos and rumbling of the security guards as they struggle to keep him away.
5/6/24
Edge and Christian debuted on SSAW. They will be wrestling a match on the next show. There seemed to be some confusion about whether Edge could or not backstage at the event, but it turned out Edge never received any injury or anything like that, that would stop him from competing. Many got it confused with an alternate reality or something.
The song Exe Cution sang to Tri Bute was kind of like ‘Follow Your Heart’ from Urinetown: The Musical, just speculation but I think Jonathon Gold might have something to do with that since he is gee and that is a musical.
5/16/24
The Rock’s latest catchphrase is apparently sexist. On The SSAW PPV about a week ago The Rock proved he was a sexist piece of ship when he uttered the phrase “Girls suck”. The NWPFKS (National Women’s Party For Killing Sexists) put out a hit on The Rock and all of those who made the disgusting phrase trend on Myspace.
Michael Elgin was the first from SSAW to speak about this important incident when he tweeted, “Grils sux”.
SSAW spoke officially on this an hour ago, “Feminists matter a lot we are really sorry.”
A minute later it was deleted and replaced with, “Get back in the kitchen now,” it wasn’t a very original response.
5/79/24
SSAW’s next show is gonna be swag dudes, and it’s only two days away! THERE’S TWO HUGE MATCHES ANNOUNCED!
Great American Tournament 2 Round 2 Match
“A-1” “Saucey” Francis Barbecue vs. “Murder, Kill, Death” Cactus Flanders
SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute © and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) © vs. Edge and Christian
They are saying the show will be available in 711 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
“The Distant Futureâ€/"Follow Your Heart"
August 9th 10020
Super 8010 Year Spectacular
The Future Super Special Awesome Future Dome in Future Ryan, Future Oklahoma, Future Earth and broadcasted across the future globe in 159,999,999,976,554,234,560,193,291 future languages and future American dialects.
“He is a man of JUSTICE, and the righteous defender of our great planet,â€
“He loves future flowers, especially future tulips,â€
“He is a man of INTEGRITY, and has never roped a woman even at her most defenseless,â€
“He loves future children, platonically,â€
“He is a man of ZANKUSTILITY, and can do no wrong,â€
“He loves FUTURE EARTH our great planet,â€
“He is a man of ZEUSRION, and treats our great creator with respect, unlike our enemies,â€
“And, Bua, he’s coming to the ring now, please the welcome, “J.I.Z.Z†Tri Bute,â€
JUSTICE
INTEGRITY
ZANKUSTILITY
ZEUSRION
TRI BUTE IS HERE
TRI BUTE IS HERE
HE’S POWERFUL
LIKE NO OTHER
HE’S MASTERFUL
LIKE NO OTHER
HE’S DISATORFUL
LIKE NO OTHER
HE’S SUPER POWERFUL
TRIIIIIIIII YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI
YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
BUTE!
Tri Bute lowers from the ceiling in a coffin covered with blood and topped with several purple skulls. The fans chant “Tri Bute†as he steps out of the coffin, then he picks it up and hits it with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam).
“The coffin activated his trap card!â€
“That can’t be good, Gol,â€
Tri Bute picks up a microphone, “This is it guys, it’s time for me to make my great-granddad proud and all of you as well. This is it, THIS IS THE END OF OUR WAR! The Zondian Truth Bots, well, they put up a fight, but we won’t let them take full control. This is the only building left out of their control, but don’t worry, I’M TAKING A STAND TONIGHT! So, Zondians bring out your best truth bot, if you want one of your guys to become the 1st ever SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion, well then, you have TO GO THROUGH ME FIRST!â€
“I have no doubt in my future mind that Tri Bute will rock him and sock him!†shouts Gol D.
WE ARE
ZONDIAN TRUTH BOTS
WE ARE
AUTOMATONS
WE ARE
ROBOTIC AND AWESOME
AUTOOOOMATONS!
Several robots beam down onto the stage, they all have microphones!
“Hello,â€
“HUMAN,â€
“We,â€
“Accept,â€
“YOUR CHALLENGE!â€
The Zondian Truth Bots all combine together, to form an incredibly large Zondian Truth Bot with an even larger microphone.
“Puny Human, I AM ZON DIAN, THE ULTIMATE TRUTH BOT!†shouts the super truth bot as it shoots lasers out of it’s eyes, however before the lasers hit Butey he makes a force field with his hands and stops the lasers.
“You may be big, but there are a bunch of clichés that mean you aren’t better than me. So why don’t we just settle this in a KEY OF DESTINY MATCH!†says “J.I.Z.Z†Tri Bute.
“Bua, did he just say what I think he said?†asked Gol
“No way! That’s the most legendary match type ever, a KEY OF DESTINY match has never been completed before since in the part eight appearances both competitors died before completing the Ancient Riddle of Zorc, no earthling has even seen the Box of Truth either!â€
“Tri Bute’s insane! I want to adopt children with that man! He just challenged a Zondian Truth Bot to his own game! â€
“FOOLISH HUMAN! Chance is you have not; I am smarter in every possible way! The riddle will be CAKE!†the super robot then laughs robotically!
“I hope I don’t get enslaved, but there’s just no way Tri Bute can beat five robots mixed into one! Especially in a KEY OF DESTINY MATCH! How will he solve the riddle faster than robots that have the answer programmed into them?â€
“They only kind of know the answer already, first they must know the question!†says Bua Ckson.
“Bua, how exactly does the KEY OF DESTINY MATCH work? I actually haven’t been around to see one yet,†asks Gol D.
“Well the match operates on many stages, the two competitors compete in various contests, after each contest the winner will receive a letter, once a competitor receives all their letters they must try to form the Ancient Riddle of Zorc using all their letters then answer it correctly. The wrestler who solves the Ancient Riddle of Zorc will receive the KEY OF DESTINY and can use it to unlock the Box of Truth and obtain the greatest championship in our time, the SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Championship,†explains Bua.
“Sounds pretty simple,â€
“Yeah, I don’t really understand all the hype either,â€
“I saw this one match on Zerby 5 where the wrestlers had to bodyslam there opponents through various objects and got points from judges,â€
“I remember that one, it sure was Unc Onventional, eh Gol?â€
“I thought it was pretty Bod Yslamrific actually, get it we said the names of the wrestlers in the match!â€
The robotic chuckle comes to a grandiose end with a mighty robotic cough. Tri Bute’s hand began to shake with a new feeling he had never quite felt before, however, with great sangfroid Butey stopped his trembling and looked Zon Dian in his cold lifeless robot face, “Then let’s start the match RoboFrag,â€
“He just called Zon Dian gee!â€
“He’ll pay for that! Probably!â€
Referee Ref Eree started the match by signaling to the timekeeper to ring the bell, as the bell tolled the ring began to open up and both competitors rolled out of the ring to avoid being hit by it. The ring parts fell underground and a ball pit rose from the floor. Ring Announcer Mas Onryan took to the microphone.
“Stage 1 will be a BALL PIT OF JINGLING MATCH,†shouts Onryan!
The crowd pops because this is one of the coolest match types ever. “The judges for this contest will be, Mr. Gol D, Mr. Bua Ckson, and wrestling legend Terry Funk!†The commentator’s move from the commentary desks to the judge’s table right beside them and Terry Funk takes a seat next to them.
“For those of you living under a rock for the past twenty years, a BALL PIT OF JINGLING MATCH is a match where competitors search the BALL PIT OF PROMISCUITY for five balls with bells in them, called ‘ringers’. The first competitor to find a ringer will receive five bonus points, the first competitor to find two ringers will receive four bonus points, the first competitor to find three ringers will receive three bonus points, the first competitor to find four ringers will receive nine bonus points, and, finally, the first competitor to get five ringers will receive eleven bonus points.â€
“At that point the BALL PIT OF PROMISCUITY will lower and the ring will reform, the competitors will do their ten minute future juggling routine. During the routine, the other competitor may call out future juggling moves for the future juggler to perform; if they perform them correctly they will receive fifty bonus points, however a smart future juggler knows their limits and can choose to decline a future juggling move at no penalty.â€
“Hold on Gol, then why would you call out juggling moves in the first place if your opponent is going to get bonus points if they do them and take no penalty if they don’t?â€
“The term is “future jugglingâ€, and they are trying to trick them into dropping their ringers. The goal is to give your opponent a deceptively difficult challenge and have them accept it and fail.â€
“What are bonus points for anyway?â€
“I was getting to that, shut the flip up. At the end of each routine, the judges, you, Terry Funk, and I will score the routine out of 100. Then each of our scores will be added together and any bonus points will be tacked on to that. The performer with the highest score will win the match, and receive one letter of the Ancient Riddle of Zorc. Any more questions, stupid face?â€
“Yeah, so the first competitor gets his fifth ringer and the pit lowers, right? Well, does the other wrestler have to future juggle with less balls or what?†asks Bua.
“Good question, no, the competitor just misses out on the eleven bonus points, after the first wrestler’s routine the other competitor can use some of his opponent’s ringers with a ten point reduction for each one they need to get to five, anymore good questions, ace plug?â€
“Nope, those are all the noticeable flaws in this match’s original description that I caught, Terry did you catch any?â€
“Why are the points for finding ringers so jumbled up?†asks Terry.
“If you make the same logic jumps as whoever made it up, it totally makes sense,â€
“Thanks Gol,â€
Zon Dian and “J.I.Z.Z.†Tri Bute dive into the ball pit and immediately start their search for ringers. Both competitors grab as many balls as they can and start shaking them, listening intently for the sweet bombilation.
“No luck yet!â€
“I love their technique! After a ball fails to ring it just gets tossed at the wrestler’s opponent causing confusion!â€
“It also makes the search harder since you have to wave through your opponents worthless balls as well,â€
Zon Dian shakes another set of balls, but it proves futile. After tossing the worthless balls at Tri Bute, Dian pointed his left arm at Butey and prepares his laser!
“Tri Bute! Move out of the way!â€
Tri Bute gets hit with a laser knocking him out of the ring! Zon Dian starts shaking balls at an even faster speed tossing worthless balls out of the ring until finally finding the first ringer!
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 0
Butey quickly returns to the ball pit and hits Zon with a spear before he can find a second ringer. Then he picks up Dian and hits the super robot with a Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam). After some more rummaging Tri Bute finds his first ringer, however the score remains since Zon found his first, first.
“Even if Tri Bute finds his second ringer first, he will still be behind!â€
“Oh no!â€
The wrestlers continue to wade through the ball pit, shaking balls, listening for that pleasant ringing, but they keep hearing NOTHING! Which should be expected in this type match.
“This match is kind of like trying to find future needles in future hay-stacks right?†asks Gol.
“I’d say so, well more like trying to find 5 ringers in a ball pit,â€
“For our blind fans; THE BALL PIT IS HUGE!â€
“Obviously, just look at it.â€
“Um,â€
“Oh right,â€
“Yeah,â€
Tri Bute and Zon Dian continue through the ball pit, finally, Butey finds his second ringer!
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 4
“Don’t you think it’s a little boring to watch a couple of guys play with balls?†asks Bua.
“Actually, I buy pay-per-views just to see that,â€
Then, Tri Bute takes a look to his left because something caught his eye! Slowly his arm dips into the ball pit, STRAIGHT TOWARDS A RINGER! HOW COULD HE TELL IT WAS DIFFERENT? He lifts the ringer out of the ball pit and the crowd cheers at the sound of its sweet bombilation!
“Wow! I think we just saw evolution take place!â€
“Doesn’t that take thousands of years?â€
“How else do you explain him being able to just pull the ringer out of the pile like that?â€
“Science?â€
“Exactly!â€
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 7
“And with the power of science, Tri Bute takes the lead, he only needs two more ringers to get to the future juggling part!â€
Tri Bute let’s out a big laugh and points at Zon Dian, “The next one is worth nine RoboFrag, and I’ve just become more powerful than you could possibly imagine!â€
Zon Dian gets visibly upset which is difficult for a future robot to pull off. In a fit of robotic rage Dian began to spray a fusillade of psy-bullets at our great hero, but using future force fields Butey is able to deflect the psy-bullets, and ricocheting into countless plastic balls, incinerating them on contact!
“How stupid of Tri Bute! What if he hit ringers?â€
“Ringers are indestructible, acebrain.â€
Due to his artificial intelligence, Zon Dian continues to fire shooting the force field and incinerating more of the balls, it really doesn’t do anything for him. Butey uses this to his advantage and begins to pick up balls that are still intact and shake them while keeping the future force field up to evade the fusillades. This gets Butey his 4th ringer!
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 16
“Hopefully Tri Bute can keep this up and get the fifth ringer before getting Super Smash Bros. Force Field Damage.â€
“Super Smash Bros. Force Field Damage?â€
“One of the drawbacks of Force Fielding,â€
“AGHH,†screams Tri Bute!
“And there it is,â€
Tri Bute’s shields go down and he finds himself face down in the balls with his hands on his stomach.
“Butey looks like a total rookie; he should learn how to balance his shield time,â€
“Was that the Super Smash Bros. Force Field Damage?â€
“Yes, although it is a lot more hefty than it is in the game,â€
“Ouch,â€
Luckily, at the same time his shields go down, Zon Dian runs out of psy-bullets. However his onslaught is not finished, just temporarily put on hold.
“How long do you think Butey will be down for?â€
“Super Smash Bros. Force Field Damage hurts a lot, so probably enough time for Zon Dian to find a few ringers,â€
And that he does, the many incinerated balls leave few to wade through, without much effort Zon Dian finds four more bringing his total up to four, while Tri Bute remains at four.
Since there are only a few balls left in the ball pit at all, Dian tosses a few psy-grenades and blows up some non-ringers. A ball escapes one of the explosions and rolls right in front of Tri Bute, both competitors hear the sweet ringing sound. Tri Bute tries to crawl to it, but Zon Dian beats him too it, before he picks it up Butey leaps to his feet and does a back flip taking him away from the ringer and Zon Dian, he is careful not to make the same mistake as his grandfather. THEN SOMETHING EXPLODES! PIECES OF ZON DIAN FLY INTO THE CROWD! Butey dives and picks up the fifth ringer!
Zon Dian: 5
Tri Bute: 27
“Hold on why did Zon Dian explode?†asks Gol D.
“Let’s do an instant replay with the microscopic future cameras!†shouts Bua, “I think I know what Butey might’ve done!â€
A slow-motion re-play is shown on the future titan tron. It shows Butey crawling towards the ringer as Dian rolls over to it, then jumping back, Ckson has them rewind it the zoom in on Butey’s hands, you can see a really small explosive future device in his hand and him tossing it at the ringer before doing a back flip and escaping it’s explosion!
“Just as I thought! “J.I.Z.Z†Tri Bute is a seasoned professional! Not only did he use the microsuperfuture bomb to its full effectiveness, with strategy and all that, but also he totally totaled his opponent! He may even be awarded the fall if Zon Dian can’t continue after that,â€
“But even then he’ll have all the other challenges to face, remember this is only for one letter! And no one has even lived to read the Ancient Riddle of Zorc.â€
Tri Bute picks up a microphone while Zon Dian lies in pieces, “So Zonny Boy, is that all you got? I’m not even considered an elite human and I just dismantled the ship out of you, mo’suckra, I only have five fingers on each hand and guess what I can do? Too slow, I can beat the best Truth Bot you got! I’m saving the galaxy, and you can put that on your robot scum ace while I give it the “J.I.Z.Z†treatment!â€
The crowd starts chanting, “Justice, Integrity, Zankustility, Zeusrion†as the scene fades to black. To be continued?
Dear Diary,
That’s what I capable of, I can evolve on the spot, who cares if I only have ten fingers! Nobodies going to call me “Five Finger Frag†here because that’s the norm here and it makes me sick. So, a future specimen like me and my trusty slave versus two inbred cow flippers? Guess who wins that? Spoiler Alert! ME! TRI BUTE “THE FUTURE WARRIOR!â€
I have skills, I know what to do with tables, and I know how to make things work out my way. Vio Lent and I will TAKE THE PAST!
Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion†Tri Bute “The Future Warriorâ€
Dear Diary,
That hardcore tag match last week was quite the rodeo! Lawry and I sure tried our best, but I guess it wasn’t good enough. No harm done, I still have a few title shots to cash in from winning the SUPER #1 Contender match about a year back, so I’ll be facing Andy Ridge for the SSAW World Lightweight Championship, tonight. Hopefully this one gets to start! YEHAW! I like Ridge, this’ll be a fun match!
Okay bye!,
“Bear Skin†John Boy Corbett
Dear Diary,
So I meant Jonathon’s wife, Seraphina, the other day. It’s really weird, I feel like we have a much deeper connection than “Beach that stole my manâ€. She even kind of looks like that baby would of if we didn’t get that abortion. We were so young and naïve then, we’d probably even name her something hipsterific, like Seraphina or Champagne.
She was nice, she even called me father a few times for some reason, but she’s going to die just like Champagne. Terry’s right, it’s not Grievous’ way, but gosh Damon it’s the only way to get to him.
I’ll make it fun. Only a few months left. August 4th. Seraphina’s last glass.
It’s what Terry Funk would do,
Jonathon Gold
Dear Diary,
I’m turning over a new leaf. No more running in at the wrong times, no more falling asleep when I’m suppose to be helping Lenty and Butey win. The time I was hand cuffed took a toll on me, I even had to start a Hulu Plus subscription to watch the episodes of Glee I missed. I need to regain Tri Bute’s trust. He has the power to make my life a living heck at the snap of his fingers, and, well, if you can’t beat them, join them. I’ll make sure Taking The Past walks out with the prestigious SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships. I’ll put one through a table myself!
Sincerely,
“The Submission Warrior†Exe Cution
Maximum Pain 3
May 5th 2024
The Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 687 languages and American dialects!
“Sign of Wisdom†Zak Zodiac and “The Murder Tank†Vance Turner defeated “Weird Way To Spell Jeff†Geoffzxs Pine and El Hijo Del Pirata Morgan went Zodiac hit Rest in Pieses (Tombstone Piledriver) to Pine to get the three in the dark match.
POWERS THAT BE
GIVE US YOUR POWER
SO WE CAN USE THAT POWER
FOR GOOD
HEALING POWERS
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
HEALNG POWERS
TO SAVE HUMANITY
HEALING POWERS
LIKE HOGAN AND SAVAGE WOULD
THE HEALING POWERS
Doctor Pring and Doctor Wood roll into the ring after high-fiving the front row fans. They quickly set their stethoscopes down and prepare to face off against Lightning In The Jungle, the team of Holden Ross and Ryan Flanders. However, instead of entering from the back like a normal team would, Lighting In The Jungle roll out from under the ring and sneakily hit The Healing Powers with synchronized Springboard Double Foot Stomps to the back of the head! Holden Ross takes Doctor Wood out of the ring so the match can begin!
“Jumping crickets! This match sure started with a bang!†says Buackson.
“Is it 9/11? Because I’ll never forget that mo’suckra!†shouts Jonathon Gold.
Flanders immediately starts putting the hurt on Pring, working the neck and back mostly, since those were the areas Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) affected last week. Little did he know, Doctor Pring, by using medicine, healed those wounds and walked into the match at 100% physical condition. Flanders’ attempts at making him humble were made futile when Pring easily grabbed the bottom rope causing Elder Justice to break the hold.
“Good strategy by Pring; I had forgotten all about the rule where if you get the ropes the hold is broken,â€
“Yeah, I totally thought he was done for!â€
Noticing Pring’s apparent ring smarts Flanders goes for the more fast-paced style we see from him anyway, instead of trying to get a submission victory. Flanders attempts a ROLLING CROSSBODY, but Pring moves out of the way and hits a ROLLING ENZIGURI! Pring continues off of this momentum and springboards off the top turnbuckle and hits an Inward 450 Degree Splash into a pin!
1…
2…
“ROSS KICKS HIM IN THE HEAD!â€
“What a cheapo!â€
Wood enters the ring with a Springboard Double Foot Stomp to the back of the head onto Ross, giving him a prescription of his own medicine. Wood rolls Ross onto the floor and hits him with a Springboard Legdrop to the outside. Meanwhile, Flanders rolls over onto Pring who is still selling the kick to the head; he is able to kick out at two.
“This match is an intense one!â€
“You know, The Healing Powers kind of remind me of a younger, faster, stronger, edgier version of The Mega Powers!â€
Doctor Pring and Ryan Flanders exchange punches and jumping leg kicks, until Pring catches Flanders by surprise with a ROLLING CROSSBODY. Pring quickly stumbles to his feet and hits Flanders with a Standing Moonsault followed by a Standing Shooting Star Press, then climbs to the top rope and hits the Super Kneecolepsy (Double Knee Moonsault From The Top Rope) to get the win for his team.
“The Healing Powers receive their first win in SSAW!â€
“I’m happy for them!†says Johnny Buackson.
“Okay, let’s not waste anymore time, onto our next contest!â€
“What’s the hurry?â€
“Well the shorter this show is, the shorter we have to wait until the Super 14 Year Spectacular event! That’s when I’m going to kill your w-,†Gold stops himself.
“What Gold?â€
“That’s when I’m at my best, I feel like I do my best commentating at our anniversary events,â€
“Oh, there’s still two more shows after this one Gold.â€
“I have a countdown thing going, I am really excited!â€
Mike Submission and Neil Furious entered the ring for our next contest. Submission took an early advantage by locking in several different submission moves and cycling between several different holds, but Furious responded with some submission moves of his own! Submission was able to lock in an armbar but Neil Furious quickly stacked him. Mike rolled his shoulder over before the referee started the three count.
“They are doing submission moves in this match!â€
“Yep!â€
Submission’s submission move assault quickly comes to an end when Neil reverses a Boston Crab and kicks him sending him into the corner. Neil Furious stumble to his feet and hits Mike Submission with a quick ROLLING ELBOW! Mike stumbles forward allowing Furious to easily put him on his shoulders. He is about halfway through hitting Submission with a F-5 but Submission turns it into X-Factor in midair and immediately pins him!
“This could be it!â€
1…
“SubX! Submission just hit this move for the first time!â€
2…
“NO FLIPPING WAY! WHAT THE FLIP, SHIP!â€
“Furious! Kicked! Out! GREIVOUS CRISP!â€
Submission quickly locks in a Camel Clutch, but the crowd quickly gets behind Neil allowing him to elbow his way out of the hold and hit a Jawbuster to Submission, breaking his clutch. Neil hammers Submission with several punches before hitting a really ugly looking Hurricanrana into a pin!
1…
2…
Submission rolls through and grabs the ropes, the referee is so excited that he misses the rope grabbing and simply counts the pin!
“SUBMISSION JUST CHEATED TO WIN!â€
“I HOPE HE GOES TO HECK AND DIES!â€
“Sir Sleeperhold†Mike Submission quickly heads to the back as our next contest begins.
“The following contest is scheduled for one fall and it is for the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship! Entering first, sometimes he goes by “Mr. Yakuza Kickâ€, the champion, Andy RIIIIIIIIIIDGGGGGE!!!!!!1†announces ring announcer Troy Stone.
KICK IT
Andy Ridge runs down the ramp and high-fives some of his fans.
I AM A COWBOY
I LOVE DA RODEO
I AM COWBOY
MILKIN’ DEM COWS IS ALLS I NOSE
YEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAW!
YEEEEEEEEEE-
JBC’s music is cut off when Flanders and Satriani attack him with nail chairs on the ramp. They bring him down with a Nail-Chair Con-Chair-Toe! Flanders and Satriani immediately hit him with more chair shots as he sells it. The referee throws the match out giving JBC the win via disqualification, at least it wasn’t the main event this time. Andy Ridge runs towards The Hardcore Express as they hit JBC with a lethal barrage of chair shots, but when he enters the ramp-side of the ring he is quickly attacked by a debuting mega star who rolled out form under the ring.
The mystery superstar hits Andy Ridge over the head with a pipe knocking him out cold. “Who is this mystery man?†ponders Jonathon Gold aloud, but only our live crowd knew the answer to that as he wrestled in the dark match earlier. “Flip you Zodiac†clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, “Flip you Zodiac,†cheered the crowd while the mystery man grabbed a microphone.
“Yes, it is I, “The Sign of Wisdom†Zak Zodiac. And, it looks like Ridge here didn’t check his horoscope for today!†Zodiac pulls Ridge to his feet and immediately hits him with Sweet Cancer Music (Sweet Chin Music (Superkick)), Zodiac then vertical leaps onto the apron and climbs to the top rope and hits Ridge with Ophiuchus Heart Surgery (Open Hart Surgery (630 Degree Splash)). Zodiac stumbles to his feet and pulls some dirt out of his tights; he puts the dirt on the floor and kicks onto Ridge.
“This is just blatant disrespect,†says Buackson.
“This Zodiac price has done nothing to win me over; he is such a dock,â€
“Speaking of his dock, look what he’s doing to the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship!â€
Zodiac picks up the belt and stuffs it in his tights, then he pulls it out and sets it on Ridge’s lifeless body. Zodiac hocks a loogy into the ring and blows this taco stand, while Flanders and Satriani continue to beat down John Boy Corbett with nail chairs, however their lengthy onslaught soon comes to an end when Lawrence Alamo runs down to the ring with a cowbell; he quickly knocks out Satriani with the bell and trades punches with Flanders.
Alamo and Flanders brawl their way to the ring and the referee begins their first round bout in the 2nd Great American Tournament! The 2nd Great American Tournament is for the vacant SSAW Global Warrior Championship and the final will take place at the Super 14 Year Spectacular in three months time!
“Okay, I lied,†says Gold, just out of the blue.
“What?â€
“You asked me why I just want the Anniversary Show to get here.â€
“I did.â€
“And, I just made up some bullcrop about being EXITED ab-,â€
“You left out a c,â€
“Excited about the greatest spectacle of them all, a year removed from Tri Bute’s interesting tale, but I don’t really care about any of that. In fact I won’t even be here in Ryan, I’ll be at your baby shower!â€
“My baby shower?â€
“Seraphina’s pregnant!†says Gold! “That flipping slot,†he whispers under his breath.
“Oh right,†sighs Buackson, “I don’t know why that had to be on the same day as the Anniversary, and planned out so far in advance or why we are talking about it now, but yeah, it’s good that you are excited.â€
The two wrestlers fight each other in the match; Flanders even hits Alamo with a Drop Toe Hold sending him face-first into Zodiac’s loogy! Alamo and Flanders traded Suplexes and other badace moves, but when Flanders hit his first piledriver it sent a shiver up the spines of our guides in this wonderful world of edginess.
1…
2…
“ALAMO IS RESILENT!â€
Flanders slaps the mat and prepares to hit Alamo with another piledriver, but Alamo reverses it with a Hurricanrana and sends him into the corner. Alamo rushes at Flanders, going for his signature Alamoer Splash (Stinger Splash), but Cactus ducks down and dodges the splash. Flanders grabs his legs as they float over him and he hits Alamo with a Parts Unknown Slam (Alabama Slam (Double Leg Slam)).
“Taking a page out of the wrestling legend’s playbook!â€
“Extreme Hailey was the best.â€
Instead of pinning Alamo, Flanders sends several elbow to his face and climbs to the top rope. Flanders prays then leaps off for a Senton Bomb but Alamo rolls out of the way at the last second. Alamo crawls onto Flanders and pins him, but he kicks out at two.
“What does it take to put down Cactus Flanders?â€
“Flanders is one tough ace motherflipper,†says Gold, “He especially enjoys flipping analogy Virginias,â€
“We don’t need to talk about sodomy, Gold,â€
“You call it sodomy, I CALL IT LOVE!†Jonathon shows shades of Triple H and slams his fist into the table.
Alamo and Flanders trade punches while outside of the ring, on the ramp, Master Satriani comes to and continues to beat our great hero John Boy Corbett with a nail chair. He drives the nail into his hand and then stomps on the chair repeatedly before laying him down on a Bamboo Table (since he is Asian). Master Satriani sets up a ladder and climbs up it with his back to JBC. He calls out “Hey Lawrence you are gee,†causing Alamo to break his concentration from the punch exchange. Satriani then lets go of the ladder and falls backward putting JBC through the Bamboo Table.
“EDGY!â€
“John Boy Corbett has been murdered right in front of us!â€
Alamo drops everything and stares at the metaphorical corpse of his best friend, a single tear rolls down his cowboy face as Cactus Flanders spins him around and then hits Alamo with The Cactus Prickle (ROLLING SAMOAN SPIKE).
1…
2…
“HOLY SHIP ALAMO KICKED OUT?â€
“That move has killed people before and he just kicks out at two?â€
Flanders gets to his feet and begins to argue with the referee, distracting him momentarily while “The Agent†Mild Walsh enters through the crowd and rolls into the ring.
“What’s Mild Walsh doing here? He’s Kyle O’Reilly’s manager!â€
“O’Reilly is gone, Gold, he’s Kyle Greenwood now. But it looks like “The Agent†has found new clients!â€
Walsh throws a Fireball at Alamo and quickly hides, at this point Flanders pulls Alamo up and hits him with 3 Cactus Prickles (ROLLING SAMOAN SPIKE) with the third finally taking him down. Flanders falls onto Alamo and pins him.
1…
2…
3! Cactus Flanders joins Francis Barbecue, Tri Bute and whoever wins the other round 1 match at a later date in the Semi-Finals of the 2nd Great American Tournament for the Vacant SSAW Global Warrior Championship. Master Satriani, Mild Walsh and Cactus Flanders share a hug in the ring before Satriani slips a nail chair under Alamo’s face and hands Flanders another nail chair. Flanders smirks as he hits Alamo with a One-man Nail-Con-Chair-To. Walsh picks up a Nail Chair of his own and the trio pulls Alamo to his feet and hit him with a Three-man Nail-Con-Chair-To. Walsh raises Satriani’s and Flanders’ arms as we head backstage.
“We have to follow that?†says Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) to his friends “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion†Tri Bute and Vio Lent (Tyler Black).
“Yup,†says Tri Bute, “We have to prove that we are the real top heels, not those two Hardcore Express losers. We’ll win our tag match and become the new SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions.â€
“You and I, Butey,†says Lent as he holds Bute’s left hand with his, “It’s our destiny,â€
Tri Bute pulls his hand away. He looks down at the floor, and then begins to speak. “I wish it were true, Lent, I sure do, but, I don’t think I know anything I thought I knew. It was my destiny to win the SSAW Global Warrior title at Super Baker’s Dozen Spectacular, but it didn’t happen. And that was something that was meant to happen something that did happen when you looked at the history books in the time I once lived.
Destiny doesn’t flipping mean anything anymore. I’ve been clinging to an alternate reality for the past nine months, something that obviously wasn’t right any more just pretending I could fix it by winning it later. I tried stacking the odds against JBC, but that did nothing. He found a way to best me, in this timeline John Boy Corbett is even stronger than he was, or worse I’m just weaker.
I’ve been flipping with time and it flipped me back, but I need to get back on top. I need to show time that the real man is, but it’s too late, I missed my window. Now I just need to make sure that I end up being born at all in this timeline.
I doubt I’ve even won those 8000 titles now, because when I woke up this morning, well,â€
“What?â€
“My dock was smaller, and I checked my spearmint count it was higher than it was the night before right after I flipped after two-thousands pounds of chicks.†says Tri Bute.
“Flipping animals is wrong, Tri Bute, that’s disgusting.â€
“And do I pride myself on being a clean-cut rule follower? No I don’t. I pride myself on being an animal-abusing murderer out for revenge. I’m not a misunderstood protagonist; I’m an unmistakably horrible terrible antagonist with no redeeming qualities whatsoever; I hate the music everyone else likes, except Darren Criss songs, and I enslave people. My only friends are you two and I treat you like ship. I treat you like cronies that I can control with my mind. But, as I was saying after that much flipping my spearmint count should have been significantly lower with just a night’s rest, but it seems our timeline changed. That wild night with literally a ton of chicks just didn’t happen or maybe it was only a half-ton.
Don’t tell me it’s our destiny to win; the other timeline’s Tri Bute never even won the tag belts, but if we do or don’t win, well, what if that leads to me not existing at all as well? This time travel thing is probably something you should just think long and hard about the repercussions of it happening first before you do it. It was just me being arrogant and angry thinking I’d go back and just do the things the other timeline’s Tri Bute did, but he was a beast with a bigger dock than me and I have a small dock, less chicks, and probably less title reigns when I’m actually born.â€
Tri Bute’s eyes fill with tears as he realizes everything he knew was a lie. Exe Cution puts his arms around Tri Bute and embraces him tightly.
“Tri Bute, just don’t think about your past and everything you were meant to do. Forget it. It worthless trivia on a topic no one is going to host a trivia game about. Stop the self-glorification and just focus on the relationships and friends you’ve made in this timeline. You disappear or cease to exist if you follow your heart.â€
“Follow my heart?†asks Butey.
“Yes, if you listen to your heart Butey it will never lead you astray or to a point of certain dang-nation it will only lead you to happiness and love, beautiful unconditional love!â€
“And, how do I do that, Exe?â€
“Let me try,†Cution puts his head to Butey’s chest. Butey tries to move away but Cution holds him still and hushes his opposition. “I think I hear it,†shouts Cution, then he sings Tri Bute’s heart’s message.
“Teamwork and honestly swiftly breakdown
A murderous make-up complete with a gown
As a betrayer threatens my boyhood home
As capitalism strives with the strength of a comb
I’ve been petered or broken for most of my days
Lemmings are worthless as are blue jays
My loved ones are deadbeats who love to fart
Disarray of at the base of my soothing rampart
Zeusrion waiting in plain sight
Zondian victory and the wave of a kite
But an answer lies deeply inside me, you see
Just not exactly something that fills me with glee
I’m sorry if I sound mega angsty
As blankets of lust cover me, sweetie
The death of an angel provides sacred wings
But the vicious murder of hope in me sings
It sings for justice and hatred, wrong doing of course
A bloody eternal stomping dead horse
The forgotten village in S.F. C.A.
Where freedom meets integrity down by the bay
A line sown so suddenly into dead flesh
A fortunate camp-site all covered with mesh
A blasphemous Celtic surrounded by kelp
A long-dead horizon just waiting for help
A Barbecue’s cooking with Zankustility
The SSAW tag belts are my destiny
The Distant Future is in front of me
I’ve been blind for so long, now it’s time to see
Lawless abandonment have turned over my cart
Fiendish embraces have swallowed my art
Thick-skinned glory is falling apart
If only you follow your heartâ€
“Even your heart knows you should follow your heart, Butey,â€
“Exe, that’s beautiful, that’s, that’s exactly what the songs in the future sounded like difficult compositions with breathtaking darrencriss lyrics! Vio Lent and my heart are correct; winning the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships is our destiny. If what you said is true Cution, then winning them tonight won’t change the future in this timeline.â€
“So, then we must win tonight Butey, your very existence may very well depend on it,†says Lent.
“Well, it’s time to face my destiny, men, and we just need to put one of those Barbecue boys through a table to do it,†says Tri Bute as the three of them leave the scene and we head to the ring for our main event.
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
I JUST GO BY EXE CUTION NOW
LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU LED TO THE WATER
I’M DAVID HART SMITH
LET THE BODIES HIT THE
FLOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!11
Three caskets decorated with purple skulls and seal blood lower from the rafters attached to a black chain, when the caskets hit the ground the chains detach from the rafters and fall onto the caskets. The two caskets on the outside slowly open and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) step out of them.
TAKE MY LOVE
TAKE MY LAND
TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND
I DON’T CARE
I’M STILL FREE
YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME
Exe Cution and Vio Lent open up the middle casket and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion†Tri Bute rises out of it with a microphone in hand. HE BEGINS TO SING!
“Honey came in and she caught me red-handed, creeping with the girl next door. Picture this we were both butt naked; banging on the bathroom floor. How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? All this time she was standing there; she never took her eyes off me.â€
“Ew. No,†comments Exe Cution.
“My sentiments exactly, Exe, THE NATURAL BORN GRILLERS WERE LISTINING TO CLASSIC RAP!†announces Tri Bute.
“That’s just wrong!†says Lent.
“Exactly! Songs about adultery are disgusting, and in the 10000s, they’re extinct everyone knows them for what they are. DIRTY SONGS THAT ENCOURAGE NASTY BEHAVIOR!â€
“That’s right Butey. If the Grillers listen to music like THAT, well, it just makes me wonder how they treat their girlfriends.â€
“Like animals, I’d guess, lock them in the basement, only let them out to urinate or defecate, and watch as they do. Maybe even slowly masticate as they do their business, stroke up and down their hard as rock cook. Before they flush they grab the woman by the head and force her face first into the toilet, not enough to drown her, but at the same time just enough to get the thrill.
They undue their pants and force the mouth, making sure they know what happens if they bite. And, if they do, well, there’s a shotgun on the shelf to put them down with,†says Butey.
“It’s our destiny to win the title from the Grillers tonight. We can’t let HUMAN TRAFFICKING PEOPLE who listen to CLASSIC RAP plague those belts anymore,†says Lenty.
“We will win for the sake of JUSTICE, INTEGRITY, ZANKUSTILITY, and ZEUSRION, or J.I.Z.Z. for short. The Grillers are horrible people who represent everything wrong with this time. Allow me to list all the ‘artists’ they like and I don’t and I’m sure you’ll agree with me: Shaggy, Cast of High School Musical, Dolly Parton, Taylor Swi-,â€
I LOVE STEAK
I LOVE SAUCE
OH SHIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS!
STEAK IS GOOD
SAUCE IS GOOD
OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD
SHAGGY IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
T-SWIZZ IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
BARBEQ IS ROCKIN’ TO NITE
ME AND YOU R ROCKIN’ TO NIEY YITE
YOU AND ME ARE FUNKIN’ TO NITE
Gene Barbecue wheels out his brother Francis Barbecue who is still in a full-body cast from last month’s assault by Vio Lent. They both have the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships draped across their shoulders, but Gene has a microphone. Tears pour down his face as he talks slowly into it.
“My brother, Francis, is in no condition to compete tonight; he isn’t medically cleared. He can’t walk on his own, but after speaking with The Rock, I’ve been told that the titles must be defended tonight! The show must go on! The Rock said he didn’t care if I had to wrestle a handicap table match. So here we are, Rock! You can be a total dock to us, make us defy the doctor’s orders, and we just have to take it.
Something’s gotten into you, Rock, and I don’t know if you are just mad with power, or just a flipping sick piece of ship, but, I know this. If I fight, I’ll fight as much as I can. If Francis fights, he’ll fight as hard as he can. And, we will do what needs to be done! Even if that means breaking the mold that time sets on us, even if it means crossing Father Time and changing once set in stone events.
I bring the steak and he brings the sauce. AND TABLES? WELL THAT’S FAIR GAME!â€
Gene wipes some sweat off of his forehead. “Rock, you can play your games, you can do your little ‘self-important inept authority figure who finishes angles awkwardly’ routine, but when it involves my family and I, you are crossing a line. So after we’re done here beating up these future thugs, we’re going back to your office and having ourselves a BARBECUE! WE ARE GOING TO BURN YOU AT THE STAKE! Then we’re gonna eat you. Daddy says it’s okay to eat after matches and you’ll be the only piece of meat left on the table. We are serving up fried Rock, a foreign delicacy, but it always tastes like chicken.
Get it? Chicken? ‘Cause yous afraid of us. You think that just because we still let our daddy beat us that we’re afraid to rise up to authority? Is that what you think Rock? Well, as Lent, Bute, and Cution said, I listen to CLASSIC RAP. Little Wayne, Shaggy, and Weird Al, but Eminem taught me the most. He was Hip-Hop’s Elvis after all, he taught me to never be afraid to take a stand and that sometimes it’s alright to lose myself.
BUT I’M DOING THAT FIRST THING! I’m taking a stand and like I said, you better board up your office because you’re going through a table next, Rock. MOAR SAUCE FOR YOUR STEAK WILL BE YOUR FATE!â€
Gene pulls the Francis’ gurney to the ring and leaps inside hitting Tri Bute, Vio Lent, Exe Cution with a SPRINGBOARD ROLLING TRIPLE CLOSELINE as the bells rings. The strike sends Exe Cution and Lent out of the ring and knocks Butey against the ropes. Gene runs at him and tries to hit a Cactus Closeline, but Butey dodges it and immediately hits him with a Release German Suplex. “Steaky†Gene Barbecue rolls to his feet immediately with determination driving him and he hits Butey with the Steakbreaker (Codebreaker (Double Knee Facebuster)) it doesn’t take him down so Gene follows up with a superkick to force Tri Bute to the ground.
“Gene is a home on fire!â€
“Someone call 911!â€
Exe Cution enters the ring and goes for a Springboard Armdrag, but Gene dodges it and allows him to fall on the ground, then as Cution gets to his feet he superkicks him as well. Lent, thinking he is hidden, goes for a Double Axe Handle, but Gene senses his presence and hits him with a superkick using his other foot.
“Gene has superkicked everyone!†shouts Gold as Gene superkicks the referee, Johnny Buackson, Jonathon Gold, his own partner, and then himself.
Gene then springs to his feet no selling the vicious superkick to himself. Gene pulls his two opponents and Exe Cution to their feet and goes for a ROLLING TRIPLE SUPERKICK, but it’s only a ROLLING SUPERKICK as Butey and Lenty move out of the way in time and only Exe Cution takes the blow. Cution flies out of the ring but Gene doesn’t get too much time to celebrate. Lent and Tri Bute immediately hit him with a ROLLING DOUBLE SUPLEX! Lent locks in a ROLLING REST HOLD while Tri Bute picks up Gene’s SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championship.
Lent’s rest hold may be pointless in this match, but no more pointless than in any other match, it is merely locked in to keep Gene in place while Tri Bute takes out a singular piece of masking tape from his tights and sticks it to the belt.
“NO! THE TAPE!â€
“Tri Bute has just extended his mind control powers so now he has Lent, Cution and now Gene’s half of the SSAW Double Bed Warrior Championship under his control.â€
“Will it work? Our title belts are edgy and awesome, but they don’t have brains. Brains are necessary for mind control, right? THIS IS JUST SYMBOLIC, RIGHT?â€
Tri Bute tosses the belt onto the mat, “Crucio!†bellows Butey as he starts up the torture setting of his mind control powers from the future. The belt sits frozen in pain as Gene watches on all locked up with Lent’s rest hold. Tears fall from his as he slowly fades out. Then the crowd starts clapping rhythmically for him.
“The crowd is getting behind Gina!â€
Gene is able to fight to his feet, elbow out of Lent’s rest hold and hit Lent with a Powerbomb to the outside of the ring. Gene then turns to Butey, who is still focusing on torturing the championship belt, and hits him with a ROLLINIG GRILLDIRT (ROLLING PAYDIRT (ROLLING LEAPING REVERSE STO)).
“Grilldirt! This has never been kicked out of!â€
“It’s a tables match so it will remain that way!â€
Gene rolls to the outside and gets a table then he rolls in and sets it up in the corner. “I’m going to put one of my opponents through this!†shouts Gene before he runs over to Tri Bute and whips him into the table. Gene charges, however, Lenty cuts him off with a ROLLING SPEAR possibly knocking him unconscious. Exe Cution rolls into the ring and Tri Bute steps away from the table. They all turn their attention to Francis Barbecue who is lying on the gurney in a full-body cast on the outside.
“NO HE’S PRETTY MUCH ALREADY DEAD!†shouts Gold, concerned for Barbecue’s well being.
“What do you think they’re going to do, Gold?†asks Buackson but his question is answered when Lent climbs up to the top rope and dives onto Francis; hitting him with a Spiral Tap. Cution follows after him hitting a Leg Drop by jumping off the apron. Butey finishes the sequence of hatred by hitting Francis with a Springboard Tri Bute To The Doomed (Springboard Leg-Clap Frogsplash) putting Francis through the stretcher. Tri Bute gets to his feet and brushes himself off. Then once satisfied by his appearance, he snaps his fingers giving Cution and Lent the signal to pick up “A1†Francis Barbecue and slide him into the ring.
Once all three of them and Francis get into the ring though they are not alone, Gene tries to get some more offence in, but after hitting the gang with several bodyslams the numbers game catches up to him and he is pounded and stomped into the mat by Taking The Past’s hands and feet. Vio Lent hits Gene with a ROLLING PEOPLE’S ELBOW while Cution hits a ROLLING FIVE KUCKLE SHUFFLE!
“Wow! That’s the ultimate tag team move!â€
Cution them locks in the Future Submission Lock (Sharpshooter) while Vio Lent pulls a feather out of his tights and initiates Tickle Torture (Tickling With A Feather). “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion†Tri Bute “The Future Warriorâ€, looked on and laughed before putting Francis Barbecue onto his shoulders and hits him with Tri Bute Doll (Blu-Ray (Death Valley Driver Into The Corner)) and through the table to win the match.
“This is disgusting, I can’t believe The Rock made The Grillers defend the belts under such circumstances.â€
“I’d believe it, Rock is a price,â€
“A small one at that.â€
The referee hands Tri Bute and Vio Lent the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships, Lent releases the hold and poses for a swarm of photographers.
“That’s a lot of photographers, why are there so many?â€
“FOR THE BENEFIT OF THOSE WITH FLASH PHOTOGRAPHYâ€
Tri Bute and Vio Lent turn around to see who said that and eat a Double Spear from none other than “The Ultimate Opportunist†EDGE! Christian rolls into the ring and hits Exe Cution with a Killswitch (Unprettier (Inverted Double Underhook Facebuster)), E & C pose over the new SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions with the belts held high over their heads and cameras flashing everywhere.
“OH MY GOSH IT’S LIKE WE JUST STEPPED INTO ONE OF MY WET DREAMS!†shouts Gold.
“Those guys are attitude era LEGENDS! Now they’re here in the EDGY ERA! What will happen now?†asks Buackson!
THE ROCK IS A GREAT MAN
DUH NA NA
HE’S SO FLIPPING AWESOME
YEAAAAAAAAA YEAAAAAAAA
THE ROCK SAYS
“The People’s Super Awesome Comish†The Rock enters and stands on the ramp with a microphone.
“I’d like you all to give a warm SSAW welcome to the next challengers for the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championship, Edge and Christian!â€
Gene Barbecue slowly makes his way out of the ring carrying his borther Francis Barbecue on his back while the SSAW Universe is on their feet welcoming the two WRESTLING LEGENDS OF WRESTLING for the first time ever.
Gene carries his brother up the ramp while The Rock, Edge, and Christian talk about memories on the road, how much they all like each other, and all that other ship, but Gene doesn’t hear any of it. He just watches The Rock’s lips move up and down. His dumb eyebrows rise!
“Now trending of MYSPACE!†shouts The Rock referring to some two-word phrase he said a second ago.
Gene walks by The Rock on the stage but before he takes his brother to the back Rock stops him.
“Don’t take him to far, Gene, I have another announcement. The main event of next month’s show along with Taking The Past vs. E & C will be Cactus Flanders versus your brother in a second round match in The 2nd Great American Tournament. Hopefully he heals up by then, but honestly I couldn’t care less about his candy ace.â€
Gene Barbecue sets down his brother and jumps at The Rock. The Rock dodges a closeline from Gene and runs to the back while armed security guards swoop in and swarm Gene. The scene fades to black as Gene shouts, “This isn’t over Rock,†over the chaos and rumbling of the security guards as they struggle to keep him away.
5/6/24
Edge and Christian debuted on SSAW. They will be wrestling a match on the next show. There seemed to be some confusion about whether Edge could or not backstage at the event, but it turned out Edge never received any injury or anything like that, that would stop him from competing. Many got it confused with an alternate reality or something.
The song Exe Cution sang to Tri Bute was kind of like ‘Follow Your Heart’ from Urinetown: The Musical, just speculation but I think Jonathon Gold might have something to do with that since he is gee and that is a musical.
5/16/24
The Rock’s latest catchphrase is apparently sexist. On The SSAW PPV about a week ago The Rock proved he was a sexist piece of ship when he uttered the phrase “Girls suckâ€. The NWPFKS (National Women’s Party For Killing Sexists) put out a hit on The Rock and all of those who made the disgusting phrase trend on Myspace.
Michael Elgin was the first from SSAW to speak about this important incident when he tweeted, “Grils suxâ€.
SSAW spoke officially on this an hour ago, “Feminists matter a lot we are really sorry.â€
A minute later it was deleted and replaced with, “Get back in the kitchen now,†it wasn’t a very original response.
5/79/24
SSAW’s next show is gonna be swag dudes, and it’s only two days away! THERE’S TWO HUGE MATCHES ANNOUNCED!
Great American Tournament 2 Round 2 Match
“A-1†“Saucey†Francis Barbecue vs. “Murder, Kill, Death†Cactus Flanders
SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion†Tri Bute © and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) © vs. Edge and Christian
They are saying the show will be available in 711 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
