Woeful Writers Extraordinaire: a W.W.E. Soap Opera - Episode 5
WOEFUL WRITERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
EPISODE 5
Where we last left off, Victoria and Jillian Hall were going to meet Wayne Brady.
VICTORIA: Oh my gawd, Wayne Brady! I loved you in Whose Line--
JILIAN: Wait a minute, you're not Wayne Brady!!!
"Wayne Brady" turns around, revealing the ECW Champion.
LASHLEY: Uh... uh... of course I am! Watch me do a Hoe Down!
I once was on a show that didn't make much sense!
I had no character development. I just sat on the fence!
I couldn't take it so I went someplace hardcore...
Now I'm just a champ with the charisma of a door!!
JILIAN: (whispering to Victoria) Maybe he IS Wayne Brady.
VICTORIA: Jillian's right. You're not fooling anyone, Bobby. Stop tricking all of these fans and tell them the truth!
LASHLEY: No! I earn some good money with this side job! Do you know what Vince pays me???
VICTORIA: But you're ECW Champ.
LASHLEY: Yeah, but I'm still ECW. We make about $8 and hour! And since our TV show is only an hour, that means we only make $8!!! Once a week!!! I mean, this belt isn't even real!! It's chocolate!!
JILIAN: (taking a bite) Mmmm... I LOVE milk chocolate!!
LASHLEY: STOP EATING MY BELT WOMAN!! Is Bobby Lashley--I mean Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
JILIAN:
Sorrrrrry!
VICTORIA: C'mon, Jil. Since this isn't really Wayne Brady, lets go do something better with our time. Like clubbing.
JILIAN: Okay, I'll be right there. I'm getting a call I have to take. Go on without me. I'll catch up.
Victoria leaves as Jilian shuffles over to a more private area to take the call. Once she makes sure no one is paying attention, she takes her phone out.
JILIAN: (in a whisper) I told you not to call me when I'm out here!
JBL: (on the other side of the line) Jilian! My old image consultant! How're ya doing?
JILIAN: I was having a good time until you decided to call me! Do you know how much trouble I can get into if people found out you and I have been....
JBL: Bangin' the stock market? Squeezing shares? Being bullish?
JILIAN: Can you stop with the sexual innuendo!!
JBL: Aw, c'mon. All the boys know!
JILIAN: They WHAT??
JBL: Yeah. Told them about it weeks ago. They think I'm luckier than than Terry Bolea was when he was chosen to get the Hulk Hogan gimmick.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flashback
VINCE: I need a talentless, simple-minded hack who can do three things over and over again with a lot of enthusiasm, but can't actually wrestle. Hmmmm.....
BOLEA: HEYA MISTER MCMAHON!! I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT I ACCIDENTALLY TORE YOUR NEWLY DRYCLEANED SUIT IN HALF AND CRUSHED YOUR PET POODLE WITH MY CALF WHEN I SLIPPED AND FELL ON IT. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT MAD!!
VINCE: You're kidding.
BOLEA: (cupping his ear in a curiously swirly manner) WHAT'S THAT YOU SAID? TELL ME AGAIN BECAUSE I'M HARD OF HEARING, WHICH PAT PATTERSON SAYS IS WHY I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BESIDES A MILITARY PRESS SLAM!!!
VINCE: (lightbulb)
JILIAN: Dammit, I told you to keep this a secret. Now people will think I'm a slut!
JBL: Don't worry. They already thought that before I was making you suck--I mean pay-- your dues.
JILIAN: Arrrrghh.
JBL: Cya later snookums.
JBL gets off of the phone, no doubt leaving Jilian frustrated. He looks at Triple H and grins.
JBL: She's mad now, but she won't be when I'm plowing her ass tonight.
HHH: You da man, Bradshaw!
FLAIR: (appearing from behind them) WOOOO!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! BANG THE NEW BITCHES AND SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS!!! SPACE MOUNTAIN, BABY!! WOO WOO!!!!
JBL:
HHH:
FLAIR: What?
HHH: Ric! You're dead! I saw it happen when Brock Lesnar accidentally killed you!
FLAIR: SILLY HUNTER BOY! DON'T YOU KNOW THE NATURE BOY CAN'T DIE? JUST SO LONG AS A HOT CHICK SUCKS HIS DICK WHEN HE DOES DIE, HE'LL COME BACK TO LIFE. WOOO!!!! NOW WHO WAS THE HOT CHICK WHO BLEW ME BACK TO CONSCIOUSNESS???
HHH: Uhhhh.... it was Kev--Candace. Candace did it.
FLAIR: OH YEAAA!!!! GO DADDY!!! GO DAD--
All of a sudden, the Great Khali walks by.
KHALI: GWWWAAARRRRGGHHHHRRRARRRHHH!!!! ** CHOP! **
Ric Flair goes down.
HHH: OH MY GAWD! YOU KILLED NAITCHY! YOU BASTARD!!
KHALI: GWWWAAARRRRGGHHHHRRRARRRHHH!!!!
Great Khali wanders away.
JBL: ************, Hunter, you'd better call the cops or something.
HHH: ************ that. They'll think I did it. Lets get outta here!
JBL and Triple H rush down the hallway, failing to notice Kevin Thorn lurking around the corner. After they pass, he glances out toward the lifeless Ric Flair and smirks.
THORN: It's feeding time. I enjoy eating out...
Meanwhile, HHH and JBL, in their haste, practically run over the the SmackDOWN Tag Champs as they walk out of their lockerroom.
HHH: Watch where you're going!
JBL: Yeah! Be more careful, you stupid catering crew schmuck!!
LONDON: But we're the tag team cha--
He thinks better of it.
LONDON: Nevermind.
JBL: (muttering to Triple H as they continue on their way) Damn primadonas act like they're champs or something. Good thing they bring good food.
London turns to his tag team partner after the big shots disappear out of sight.
LONDON: Man, what jerks. If they weren't total politickers, I'd totally beat their asses.
KENDRICK: Yeah, well, keep your temper in check. You almost let them know we were tag champs. We came this close getting a match against Undertaker and Batista next week.
LONDON: Yeah. Well, it's better they think we're nobodies, I guess. Say, what're you doing tonight?
KENDRICK: I got a hot date at 6.
LONDON: Really? Awesome! I got one too, but it's at 8.
KENDRICK: Congrats man! I tell ya. Life hasn't been the same since my girl and I started going out. She's awesome.
LONDON: Yeah, so's mine. She's a total moaner too. If you know what I mean.
KENDRICK: Haha, oh yeah! Mine too! She says it's part of that whole punk thing.
LONDON: Your girl likes punk? So does mine!
KENDRICK: Get out! See man, that's why we're a great team. We think alike, we work alike, and we have the same good taste in girls.
LONDON: Oh yeah. Frankly, the only weird thing about my gal is that she'll only go out with me on Mondays, Tuesdays Wednesdays, and Fridays.
KENDRICK: Really? That's weird. My girl only likes to go out on Satrudays, Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
LONDON: Ha! Small world.
KENDRICK: Yeah. Well, better get going. Ashley's gonna get mad if I'm late--
LONDON:
KENDRICK:
LONDON:
KENDRICK: Um.... awk... ward...
LONDON:
KENDRICK: Look, man, I meant to tell you earlier. I know we're not supposed to date co-workers or anything, but I've been dating Ashley for the past few months.
LONDON: No. I'VE been dating Ashley for the past few months.
KENDRICK: There's that whole ethics thing about dating a co-worker, and how it's not really right, and you don't want to cross boundaries--YOU'VE WHAT?????
LONDON: C'mon, man. She's hot.
KENDRICK: I know... but... but... she said I was her main man!!!
LONDON: That's what she called me.
KENDRICK: I'll kill you!!
LONDON: ************ YOU!!!
The two begin grappling with rage and roll along the wall, knocking various things around for several moments, before they separate.
LONDON: Wait, wait, hold on. Why are we fighting? She totally played both of us. We should be mad at HER instead!
KENDRICK: You know, you're right! This is probably what she wants us to do. Instead of ************ing each other, we should go ************ her.
LONDON: Yeah! Hey, lets act normal, like nothing's wrong. We'll go to our practice later and go through our match stuff, and when she doesn't expect it... BOOM!!! Sandwich rape.
KENDRICK: I like the way you think, Paul!
LONDON: That's why we're best buds, man!
KENDRICK: Sometimes I think that if you were a girl, I'd totally date you.
LONDON: Dude. Totally crossing the line there.
KENDRICK: Sorry. Say, where IS Ashley anyway? She's supposed to be here by now.
Cut to a janitor's closet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Some Closet
CENA: Oh yeah, Ashley, take that up your ass!
ASHLEY: Yes, John, give me m-m-m-more!!
CENA: Oh yeah!
ASHLEY: Yes!!
CENA: OH YEAH!
ASHLEY YES!!
CENA: OH YEAAHH!!!
ASHLEY: YESSSS!!!!
CENA: Chain bang, motha ************a!!!!!
Cut back to Kendrick and London.
LONDON: Forget about it. Hey, lets go get high with Rob Van Dam.
KENDRICK: Sounds like a date!!
LONDON:
KENDRICK: I mean a plan.
London and Kendrick head off in search of the ECW lockerroom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned for next week's shocking season finale!!!!
WOEFUL WRITERS EXTRAORDINAIRE
EPISODE 5
Where we last left off, Victoria and Jillian Hall were going to meet Wayne Brady.
VICTORIA: Oh my gawd, Wayne Brady! I loved you in Whose Line--
JILIAN: Wait a minute, you're not Wayne Brady!!!
"Wayne Brady" turns around, revealing the ECW Champion.
LASHLEY: Uh... uh... of course I am! Watch me do a Hoe Down!
I once was on a show that didn't make much sense!
I had no character development. I just sat on the fence!
I couldn't take it so I went someplace hardcore...
Now I'm just a champ with the charisma of a door!!
JILIAN: (whispering to Victoria) Maybe he IS Wayne Brady.
VICTORIA: Jillian's right. You're not fooling anyone, Bobby. Stop tricking all of these fans and tell them the truth!
LASHLEY: No! I earn some good money with this side job! Do you know what Vince pays me???
VICTORIA: But you're ECW Champ.
LASHLEY: Yeah, but I'm still ECW. We make about $8 and hour! And since our TV show is only an hour, that means we only make $8!!! Once a week!!! I mean, this belt isn't even real!! It's chocolate!!
JILIAN: (taking a bite) Mmmm... I LOVE milk chocolate!!
LASHLEY: STOP EATING MY BELT WOMAN!! Is Bobby Lashley--I mean Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?
JILIAN:
VICTORIA: C'mon, Jil. Since this isn't really Wayne Brady, lets go do something better with our time. Like clubbing.
JILIAN: Okay, I'll be right there. I'm getting a call I have to take. Go on without me. I'll catch up.
Victoria leaves as Jilian shuffles over to a more private area to take the call. Once she makes sure no one is paying attention, she takes her phone out.
JILIAN: (in a whisper) I told you not to call me when I'm out here!
JBL: (on the other side of the line) Jilian! My old image consultant! How're ya doing?
JILIAN: I was having a good time until you decided to call me! Do you know how much trouble I can get into if people found out you and I have been....
JBL: Bangin' the stock market? Squeezing shares? Being bullish?
JILIAN: Can you stop with the sexual innuendo!!
JBL: Aw, c'mon. All the boys know!
JILIAN: They WHAT??
JBL: Yeah. Told them about it weeks ago. They think I'm luckier than than Terry Bolea was when he was chosen to get the Hulk Hogan gimmick.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flashback
VINCE: I need a talentless, simple-minded hack who can do three things over and over again with a lot of enthusiasm, but can't actually wrestle. Hmmmm.....
BOLEA: HEYA MISTER MCMAHON!! I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT I ACCIDENTALLY TORE YOUR NEWLY DRYCLEANED SUIT IN HALF AND CRUSHED YOUR PET POODLE WITH MY CALF WHEN I SLIPPED AND FELL ON IT. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT MAD!!
VINCE: You're kidding.
BOLEA: (cupping his ear in a curiously swirly manner) WHAT'S THAT YOU SAID? TELL ME AGAIN BECAUSE I'M HARD OF HEARING, WHICH PAT PATTERSON SAYS IS WHY I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BESIDES A MILITARY PRESS SLAM!!!
VINCE: (lightbulb)
JILIAN: Dammit, I told you to keep this a secret. Now people will think I'm a slut!
JBL: Don't worry. They already thought that before I was making you suck--I mean pay-- your dues.
JILIAN: Arrrrghh.
JBL: Cya later snookums.
JBL gets off of the phone, no doubt leaving Jilian frustrated. He looks at Triple H and grins.
JBL: She's mad now, but she won't be when I'm plowing her ass tonight.
HHH: You da man, Bradshaw!
FLAIR: (appearing from behind them) WOOOO!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! BANG THE NEW BITCHES AND SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS!!! SPACE MOUNTAIN, BABY!! WOO WOO!!!!
JBL:
HHH:
FLAIR: What?
HHH: Ric! You're dead! I saw it happen when Brock Lesnar accidentally killed you!
FLAIR: SILLY HUNTER BOY! DON'T YOU KNOW THE NATURE BOY CAN'T DIE? JUST SO LONG AS A HOT CHICK SUCKS HIS DICK WHEN HE DOES DIE, HE'LL COME BACK TO LIFE. WOOO!!!! NOW WHO WAS THE HOT CHICK WHO BLEW ME BACK TO CONSCIOUSNESS???
HHH: Uhhhh.... it was Kev--Candace. Candace did it.
FLAIR: OH YEAAA!!!! GO DADDY!!! GO DAD--
All of a sudden, the Great Khali walks by.
KHALI: GWWWAAARRRRGGHHHHRRRARRRHHH!!!! ** CHOP! **
Ric Flair goes down.
HHH: OH MY GAWD! YOU KILLED NAITCHY! YOU BASTARD!!
KHALI: GWWWAAARRRRGGHHHHRRRARRRHHH!!!!
Great Khali wanders away.
JBL: ************, Hunter, you'd better call the cops or something.
HHH: ************ that. They'll think I did it. Lets get outta here!
JBL and Triple H rush down the hallway, failing to notice Kevin Thorn lurking around the corner. After they pass, he glances out toward the lifeless Ric Flair and smirks.
THORN: It's feeding time. I enjoy eating out...
Meanwhile, HHH and JBL, in their haste, practically run over the the SmackDOWN Tag Champs as they walk out of their lockerroom.
HHH: Watch where you're going!
JBL: Yeah! Be more careful, you stupid catering crew schmuck!!
LONDON: But we're the tag team cha--
He thinks better of it.
LONDON: Nevermind.
JBL: (muttering to Triple H as they continue on their way) Damn primadonas act like they're champs or something. Good thing they bring good food.
London turns to his tag team partner after the big shots disappear out of sight.
LONDON: Man, what jerks. If they weren't total politickers, I'd totally beat their asses.
KENDRICK: Yeah, well, keep your temper in check. You almost let them know we were tag champs. We came this close getting a match against Undertaker and Batista next week.
LONDON: Yeah. Well, it's better they think we're nobodies, I guess. Say, what're you doing tonight?
KENDRICK: I got a hot date at 6.
LONDON: Really? Awesome! I got one too, but it's at 8.
KENDRICK: Congrats man! I tell ya. Life hasn't been the same since my girl and I started going out. She's awesome.
LONDON: Yeah, so's mine. She's a total moaner too. If you know what I mean.
KENDRICK: Haha, oh yeah! Mine too! She says it's part of that whole punk thing.
LONDON: Your girl likes punk? So does mine!
KENDRICK: Get out! See man, that's why we're a great team. We think alike, we work alike, and we have the same good taste in girls.
LONDON: Oh yeah. Frankly, the only weird thing about my gal is that she'll only go out with me on Mondays, Tuesdays Wednesdays, and Fridays.
KENDRICK: Really? That's weird. My girl only likes to go out on Satrudays, Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
LONDON: Ha! Small world.
KENDRICK: Yeah. Well, better get going. Ashley's gonna get mad if I'm late--
LONDON:
KENDRICK:
LONDON:
KENDRICK: Um.... awk... ward...
LONDON:
KENDRICK: Look, man, I meant to tell you earlier. I know we're not supposed to date co-workers or anything, but I've been dating Ashley for the past few months.
LONDON: No. I'VE been dating Ashley for the past few months.
KENDRICK: There's that whole ethics thing about dating a co-worker, and how it's not really right, and you don't want to cross boundaries--YOU'VE WHAT?????
LONDON: C'mon, man. She's hot.
KENDRICK: I know... but... but... she said I was her main man!!!
LONDON: That's what she called me.
KENDRICK: I'll kill you!!
LONDON: ************ YOU!!!
The two begin grappling with rage and roll along the wall, knocking various things around for several moments, before they separate.
LONDON: Wait, wait, hold on. Why are we fighting? She totally played both of us. We should be mad at HER instead!
KENDRICK: You know, you're right! This is probably what she wants us to do. Instead of ************ing each other, we should go ************ her.
LONDON: Yeah! Hey, lets act normal, like nothing's wrong. We'll go to our practice later and go through our match stuff, and when she doesn't expect it... BOOM!!! Sandwich rape.
KENDRICK: I like the way you think, Paul!
LONDON: That's why we're best buds, man!
KENDRICK: Sometimes I think that if you were a girl, I'd totally date you.
LONDON: Dude. Totally crossing the line there.
KENDRICK: Sorry. Say, where IS Ashley anyway? She's supposed to be here by now.
Cut to a janitor's closet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Some Closet
CENA: Oh yeah, Ashley, take that up your ass!
ASHLEY: Yes, John, give me m-m-m-more!!
CENA: Oh yeah!
ASHLEY: Yes!!
CENA: OH YEAH!
ASHLEY YES!!
CENA: OH YEAAHH!!!
ASHLEY: YESSSS!!!!
CENA: Chain bang, motha ************a!!!!!
Cut back to Kendrick and London.
LONDON: Forget about it. Hey, lets go get high with Rob Van Dam.
KENDRICK: Sounds like a date!!
LONDON:
KENDRICK: I mean a plan.
London and Kendrick head off in search of the ECW lockerroom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned for next week's shocking season finale!!!!
