Fuji reviews X-Ray

[Fuji Vice]

X-Ray


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Susan Jeremy goes to a local Los Angeles hospital for a routine exam and through a series of circumstances finds herself stranded there. At the same time, a maniac wearing a doctor's mask begins killing people around the hospital and soon he sets his sights on Susan. Is it possible that this is a childhood friend of Susan's who never forgave her for a Valentine's Day snub? If so, how will she know who and more importantly where he is?

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X-Ray, also known as Hospital Massacre and my personal favourite, Be My Valentine or Else, is a slasher released in 1982, right at the tail end of the first boom period for those types of films. It’s full of all the elements, though none of them ever seem to come together cohesively, which result in a film that feels more than a bit disjointed at the best of times. However, while it may be a little bit awkward, it is also one of the most bizarre slashers ever released; with so many crazy moments that LSD should be prescribed before viewing just to give the audience a better shot at making sense of it. I’m not even joking, there’s just one bit of insanity after another and it all culminates in one of the more absurd endings in slasher history. I can’t give too much away because you’ve really got to see this one for yourselves, but I will say that if you’re looking for a good movie to smoke a joint to, X-Ray is sure as hell the ticket to your toking nirvana.

"Hey, that's not a hat!"
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Written and directed by Boaz Davidson (who also did The Last American Virgin the same year) from a story by Marc Behm (writer of Beatles film Help! and the excellent Charade), the film seems to be mainly designed as a vehicle for its star, former Playboy Playmate of the Year Barbi Benton. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that provided Benton was going to spend the ENTIRE movie in various states of undress. Unfortunately the script called for her to be clothed more often than not and therein lays the first problem with the film. Fortunately it appears that Davidson and Behm were also interested in messing around with the audience’s mind by adding in a multitude of creepy characters, nonsensical plot developments and even a preamble that literally makes no sense in the grand scheme of things. Add to this some top notch “chant†music from composer Arlon Ober (Eating Raoul, Child's Play) that’s reminiscent of The Omen and you’ve got the stage set for something that will definitely leave you scratching your head; albeit in a good way.

"Bow-chick-a-wow."
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Barbi Benton never really managed to parlay her Playboy success into a film career (go figure) and it’s not hard to see why. Based on her performance here I’d say she was just below the level of your average turnip in terms of both intelligence and acting ability. However, who gives a crap about her brains when her boobs are on full display for all of us to see right? Well, they’re really on display once and only for a few fleetingly beautiful moments. What the fuck? I call major bullshit on that one and am really pissed that Davidson felt the need to be so tame in his portrayal of her incredible body. I mean, it’s not like she was shy or anything, she’d been in Playboy a bunch of times, so I really don’t see why the nudity had to be trimmed. Aside from that garbage, the rest of the performances here range from wooden (most of the hospital staff) to downright outrageous (Lanny Duncan as a creepy patient) to cringe-worthy (Jon Van Ness as Benton’s ex-husband). In all honesty, I didn’t go into a movie called X-Ray about a killer on the loose in a hospital expecting great performances, so I’m willing to look past them for the most part. I just can’t let that lack of nudity go damn it!

"He's SO theatrical."
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The one thing that I’ll say X-Ray really has going for it is Davidson’s innate ability to provide some seriously creepy atmosphere. I mean, hospitals themselves are creepy enough, but they’re even creepier when used as settings for horror films. Halloween II and Visiting Hours are just two of the other hospital-based slashers that saw decent success in the early 80’s for this very reason. Unfortunately the atmosphere is also overruled by the same bizarre stuff that I’ve talked about already, including a floor of cockroach fumigators, a room with a bunch of patients in body casts that jerk about uncontrollably, a decided lack of lights in all the major hallways and creepy drunk people who don’t seem all that sick to me. Yep, one thing’s for sure, this is NOT the hospital you want to be going to if you’re feeling a little under the weather. As well, there’s a totally idiotic plot device that stops Susan from leaving the hospital even though it would be illegal to hold her there against her will! This all pales in comparison to the grand revelation at the end, but again I want you to see that one for yourselves because it’s just the icing on top of this particular cake of crap. Anyhow, it’s definitely weird but you may find X-Ray just the prescription you need if you’re looking for a bad movie to laugh at for 90 minutes of your life. 4/10.

"Next time....Kelli Maroney's got a gun!"
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