Fuji reviews Godzilla (1998) - Part One

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Fuji Vice

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Godzilla

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A Japanese fishing boat is attacked by an unseen force and eventually washes ashore. When the lone survivor of the attack is questioned, he only says the word “Gojira”. Meanwhile, the military and some select scientists are examining the wreckage when one of them, Niko “Nick” Tatopolous, determines that the damage seems to have been caused by a giant lizard, possibly a by-product of nuclear testing. Once the monster makes its way to the shores of New York, the entire city is threatened, and even the combined forces of the entire US Military complex may not be enough to save it.

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Man, has this movie received a lot of hate over the years or what? I swear, you cannot get into a discussion about Godzilla without having someone bring up how awful it was or how it “ruined” the character. Obviously to that I say, “Hey, it’s a remake of a crappy Japanese movie so what the fuck did you expect and how could it be ruined?” Believe it or not, I actually have those conversations from time to time and while I don’t always come out on the winning end, I often find that I’m able to get people to re-assess their opinions on this much maligned film. Godzilla isn’t perfect and…wait, scratch that, Godzilla IS perfect, a perfect turd that is! Yep, it’s beyond awful, but that’s what not only makes it a great (bad) movie but a real fun one as well. Sure it could have been serious (because all the Japanese ones before it were right?) or more well thought out (again, watch one of the originals to see how bizarre THEY can get) but hey, it’s not. Rather, it’s a hilarious look at how inept the military and crisis management in general can be, a poignant reflection on nuclear testing and yet more proof that the French are indeed the biggest douchebags on the planet. Oh and it’s got Ferris Bueller, Mr. Helen Hunt, Leon the Professional, the voice of both Ned Flanders and Principal Skinner, some really bad Siskel and Ebert impersonators and a shit ton of fish. So strap yourselves the fuck in folks, because it’s time for another Fuji special, a two-day mega-review of the one and only, Godzilla…from 1998…not the one with Perry Mason and the rubber suit….or the one with the three-headed monster where Mothra and Rodan have to unite with the rubber suit man to GAAAAAAKKKK!!!!

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”I will not be appearing in this film.”

We start off with a big bang…literally, as some French dude counts down while the French national anthem plays in the background. Gee, do you think the French might have something to do with this? Well there’s no time for thinking since we’re now treated to a nuclear explosion that looks a little something like this…

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Well, that’s not actually the explosion used in the movie, but it might as well have been since they used a stock one too. I mean what the fuck guys; you couldn’t even fire off your own nuke for filming purposes? No wonder people hate this movie. You know who else hates this part? The lizards who were sitting on the island that got nuked, that’s who. In fact, they’re so pissed that they decide to lie dormant for years and years until a Japanese (no coincidence there) fishing boat happens along. One of these now mutated lizards decides to fuck the boat’s shit up and does so in glorious fashion before kicking it to the curb like his last four bitches. Apparently only one of the crew is left alive and he quickly snaps to attention when this French fucker waves a lighter in his face.

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”WAKE THE FUCK UP HOMIE!!!”

Well, actually he’s not a fucker; he’s Jean Reno, action star extraordinaire and one hell of a sharp dresser. He gets the Japanese dude to say “Gojira” and that’s all she wrote as we’re off to sunny Chernobyl, Russia where it’s not sunny at all. In fact, it’s pouring rain, which allows us to get a funny introduction to Matthew Broderick’s main character Niko as he busts out a pretty decent rendition of the classic tune “Singin’ in the Rain.” He’s an NRC (Nerdy Reclusive Cunt …just kidding, it’s Nuclear Regulatory Commission) scientist who does experiments with worms. Yes, worms. These experiments involve putting jumper cables into the ground and electrifying it, thereby pissing the fuck out of said worms and driving them out of their natural habitat and to the surface where he then grabs them and shoves them in jars. What an asshole this guy is, but then again, take a look for yourselves and tell me he isn’t actually a Nerdy Reclusive Cunt after all.

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”NERDY…RECLUSIVE…CUNT”

Anyhow, poor Nick (his “nick”name, ha ha, I slay myself sometimes) doesn’t get a chance to fuck with too many worms because Aaron Pierce from 24 shows up to whisk him off to check out the wrecked ship. You know who else is checking out the wrecked ship? If you said Jean Reno (I would have accepted both Leon the Professional or Sharp Dresser) then award yourself one point and continue on with this review. If you said anything else I really don’t know what to say other than thanks for not really paying attention so far you fucking asshole! Alright, back to the movie as yes, Jean Reno (now calling himself Phillipe Roache) is checking out the boat, claiming to be an insurance investigator. This is actually a plausible cover since lord knows the first people on the scene of an accident are the insurance investigators. After all, who wants to pay out on a commercial marine policy that would clearly be into the millions of dollars range? Well one things for sure, Lloyd’s of London wouldn’t, and apparently neither would this guy’s company but hey, this movie isn’t about insurance, it’s about giant fucking monsters attacking big cities so let’s get back to that alright? The city Gojira’s going after here is New York, and how do I know that?

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Bingo, nothing like a World Trade Center shot and this one even has it getting hit by lightning…shocking to say the least. Over in the harbor, this little dude decides to go fishing and he’s hoping to catch the big one. Let’s just say he gets a tad more than he bargained for when he sees this materialize in front of him….

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I’m not sure about you, but that would be enough to get me to shit my pants at least twice before I even noticed I’d done it. Anyhow, we’re not discussing my bowels here, because an entire city is getting the crap kicked out of it by good old Gojira. In the meantime, we meet Audrey Timmonds, played by Maria Pitillo, who is quite possibly both the worst character and actress of all time.

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No, seriously, she is fucking pathetic and it’s painfully obvious that she was blowing the producers, director and probably the goddamn catering staff to get this job. Audrey is not exactly a self-starter and so she constantly gets stepped on by the assholes in New York. Speaking of getting stepped on, some of the assholes in New York are having that happen to them right now, as Gojira continues to demolish the city. After he heads past the window of a restaurant that Audrey and her friends Lucy and Victor “Animal” Palotti are in, Animal decides he needs to film the bastard and so tears off after him throwing caution to the wind and generally coming across as a total badass. Or he would if you didn’t realize he was Helen Hunt’s husband, Hank Azaria, also known as Helen Hunt’s ex-husband less than a year after they were married AND the man she forgot to thank after winning Best Actress at the Academy Awards (guess the writing was on the wall there eh?). Amazingly enough, Matthew Broderick’s wife, Sarah Jessice Horseface Parker also forgot to thank him after winning an Emmy. Coincidence? I think not. So yeah, Animal’s trying to get some footage of this bad motherfucker but his damn tape won’t pop into the camera, thereby dating this movie horribly and proving that something good did come out of the digital age.

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"If you're over 30, you remember how annoying this was!"

He finally gets the tape in just in time to see Gojira’s giant foot coming towards him but since he took some lessons from that kid in Jurassic Park that gets the crap kicked out of him over and over again, he survives to laugh another day. In fact, Azaria has this hilarious shit-eating grin on his face after the monster leaves and to be honest, I probably would too. Believe it or not, this is actually the best moment in the film and we’ve still got nearly an hour and a half to go! Meanwhile, Nick and the military have landed in New York and are working their asses off to find the creature before it can damage the city further. Nick comes up with an amazing leap in logic and tells them that the creature is most likely hungry so if they provide it with food it should come to them. This is actually incredibly basic which leads me to believe that every one of Broderick’s colleagues have been lobotomized and forced to watch the Sean Connery flops Meteor and Zardoz over and over again in some sort of perverse form of torture. It’s really the only viable explanation as to why they’re so inept. Speaking of inept, the military is about to prove how inept they are but first a quick break in the action, brought to you by our sponsor…fish.

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If you’re wondering why those fish look so fake you needn’t wonder any longer…they ARE fake. Yep, apparently the smell of that many fish was too overpowering for the film crew and so they made fake ones instead. What a rip off! Apparently Gojira doesn’t really mind that much though, as evidenced by his willingness to perform silly pet tricks while on his way to a fantastically fishy feast. Don’t believe me? Well check it out then.

[video=youtube;AAW4Bd7V0eo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAW4Bd7V0eo[/video]

If you watched until the end of that awesome video you’d have seen the military decide to be themselves by immediately trying to shoot the shit out of Gojira even though he’s probably just misunderstood. It doesn’t really matter though, because Gojira is a FUCKING NINJA and can dodge out of the way of bullets and SAM missiles. In a hilarious bit of irony that was not missed by this reviewer, the military actually does more damage to New York than the monster itself, destroying numerous landmarks including the Chrysler building before finally giving up and admitting defeat. Of course, Gojira responds to this by doing the only thing he knows how; he humps the shit out of a building!

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"Bow-chick-a-wow."

While all of this is going on, Nick grabs himself a pregnancy test and heads off to give it to old Horseface. Alright, just kidding, he’s checking the monster’s urine (or something else left over, they never explain) and he makes the bombshell discovery that “he’s” pregnant. Not Nick you idiots, the monster…oops, I mean Gojira! He tells this to Audrey, who has popped over for a quickie (information, not sex, though they did previously date so maybe the benefits are still there?) but she also decides to be tough and steal Nick’s top secret tape. She promptly uses this tape to shoot her own special but once again gets fucked over by this guy….

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Yes, that’s Principal Skinner/Ned Flanders/Kent Brockman himself, Harry Shearer, who is probably the best actor in this film not named Jean Reno. Shearer’s douchebag reporter character is actually really easy to hate and it’s only a shame that he didn’t eat it on a toilet like the douchebag lawyer from Jurassic Park did. Anyhow, the military is NONE TOO PLEASED at Nick for allowing his tape to be stolen and so they fire his ass from the project even though he’s the only fucking person there who seems to know what the hell he’s doing. Yep, it’s no surprise that the morons from FEMA who handled Hurricane Katrina watched this film as a primer on how to manage a crisis! So Nick leaves for the airport but the driver misses the exit. Wait, that’s not a taxi driver, it’s….

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JEAN FUCKING RENO!!! He’s no insurance investigator, he’s a secret agent man, and he needs Nick’s help to find the creature’s nest because apparently he’s also the only one who believes he’s right. On that note, it’s time to break for the day since we’re over 2000 words already and we’ve still got a lot of this movie left to go. Tomorrow we’ll be looking at more fish, Madison Square Garden, submarines and I’ll explain why I keep referencing Jurassic Park. Do you think you can handle MORE GOJIRA AWESOMENESS?!?!? Of course you can, so I’ll see you here tomorrow you lucky, lucky people!
 

Fuji Vice

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You did this one before, right?
Yeah, but I never posted it here. I'm just bringing it over now due to the Godzilla discussion heating up after the trailer was posted.
 

Postman Dave

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Cool cool, fair enough.

I don't think I've ever told my story surrounding this film. My parents rented it for me and my friends to watch on my Birthday (must have been 10) and by the end of the movie, only me and one other stuck around all the way through :lol:
 

Fuji Vice

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Cool cool, fair enough.

I don't think I've ever told my story surrounding this film. My parents rented it for me and my friends to watch on my Birthday (must have been 10) and by the end of the movie, only me and one other stuck around all the way through :lol:
So what you're saying is that really only one of you stuck around, since I'm assuming the birthday party was at your house and you weren't allowed to leave. :lol:
 

Wangman Page

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I spent a thanksgiving while in college at my apartment with this and couple other movies and two boxes of pizza

Destroying Sith with my Kindle Fire on Tapatalk
 

Postman Dave

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So what you're saying is that really only one of you stuck around, since I'm assuming the birthday party was at your house and you weren't allowed to leave. :lol:

Yep, pretty much :lol: